Latest / IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective / #1 Reason Parents Struggle with Teens!

Transcript

#1 Reason Parents Struggle with Teens! · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  ben: I'm Ben Pugh, and you're listening to Impact Parenting with Perspective, episode 220.
• 0:09
  ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens, so they can focus on what's most important, building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:26
  ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and And your team turns struggles into strengths.
• 0:35
  Hello, welcome back to the podcast today.
• 0:38
  We are going to be talking about the number one reason parents struggle with their teens.
• 0:46
  And if you're like a lot of the parents that I know from all over the world, by the way.
• 0:52
  You might be struggling with your teen.
• 0:55
  So buckle up and get ready because you're going to learn.
• 1:00
  That there's one thing that really contributes to a negative relationship with your teen.
• 1:08
  And when you can not only understand what that one thing is, but really address it, that will help you start connecting with your teen.
• 1:18
  Almost overnight like it happens actually really really fast before we get into what that one Thing is that is making you struggle with your teen I do want to just give you a little piece and I want you to understand that parents all over the world are struggling And if you're parenting a teenager and you feel like you're on the struggle bus almost every day, know that you are not alone.
• 1:47
  Parents all over the country are struggling.
• 1:50
  And what's more is that parents all over the world are struggling.
• 1:55
  Over the past few years, I've had clients in the U S in Canada, in Europe, in Australia, as far as Africa.
• 2:06
  And also in South America.
• 2:09
  And they all had one thing in common.
• 2:11
  They felt like they were struggling with their teen and they knew things could be better.
• 2:17
  They just didn't know how to make them better.
• 2:19
  So if you're struggling with your teen, which if you're listening to this podcast, I'm guessing things aren't perfect, or you would at least like to improve some things.
• 2:31
  And maybe that's not you, but you might know someone who is struggling with their teen.
• 2:37
  And I just want you to know, and I want you to help other people know you're not alone, we're in this together and understand that.
• 2:46
  There are parents all over the world, just like you looking to improve things with their teenagers.
• 2:54
  And also when I look at like who listens to the podcast, I can't see like you, like your name and, but I can see where people live when they download and we get downloads all over the world.
• 3:06
  So you're not alone.
• 3:09
  And if you're like me, and if you're like most parents, the number one reason that you're struggling with your teen is because you have a lack of identity.
• 3:22
  Now, if you've been listening for any period of time, you've probably noticed I am not like you.
• 3:31
  Most other parenting experts.
• 3:33
  In fact, I'm often like the exact opposite of a lot of parenting experts.
• 3:40
  It seems like.
• 3:42
  When I say something, most parenting experts say the exact opposite and I'll see a parenting expert on like Instagram or something be like, hey You gotta limit your teen screen time.
• 3:54
  That's what's wrong with kids these days They're on their screens too much and I tend to be the exact opposite where I'm like, hey you Are worried about something outside of your control and there's a better way to do this.
• 4:09
  So most parenting experts in my experience, they would have you focus on your teen and they would have you focus on identifying everything that your teen is doing wrong.
• 4:21
  And let's.
• 4:22
  Stick the blame there and let's identify that, you know, they're not following the rules or maybe they're not giving their best effort in school or gosh, darn it.
• 4:32
  They're spending way too much time on their phone or on video games.
• 4:37
  The problem is none of these things that I mentioned above are the root of the problem.
• 4:43
  And oftentimes they're not within your control, which means that you don't have power to change them.
• 4:49
  Uh, funny story.
• 4:50
  I remember when I was a kid, Not being allowed to play video games, but I could go hang out with my friends and be at my friend's house.
• 5:01
  Anyways, I couldn't play video games.
• 5:03
  So I'd go to my friend's house and I would play video games.
• 5:06
  Oftentimes what we think we can control as parents, we actually can't control.
• 5:11
  And any effort trying to change things outside of your control is just wasted effort.
• 5:17
  And this is effort that could have been applied to being the change that you want to be.
• 5:23
  And this effort to change things outside of your control.
• 5:28
  This is the number one reason parents struggle with their teens.
• 5:32
  And if you're like most parents of teenagers, you might be guilty of this from time to time.
• 5:37
  You might be guilty of focusing all of your energy on your teen and trying to get them to change.
• 5:44
  And I get it.
• 5:45
  It's not your fault.
• 5:47
  I'm not blaming you at all.
• 5:49
  It makes sense that you would have tried to fix your teen, or to change them, or to control them, because that's what you've been taught.
• 5:56
  That's what we've all been taught.
• 5:58
  That's the example that's been modeled to us in the past by our parents, by school, by social media.
• 6:05
  But, there is a better way.
• 6:07
  And the better way is for you, To identify who it is that you want to be.
• 6:13
  I like to call it defining your identity.
• 6:17
  And fortunately, this is way better when it comes to connecting with your teen, then trying to change them.
• 6:24
  And this will help you stop struggling with your teen and finally connect with them and start enjoying each other.
• 6:33
  And it'll also help you seriously level up your parenting at the same time, which is always awesome.
• 6:40
  And.
• 6:41
  This better way of knowing your identity and defining your parenting identity.
• 6:48
  A lot of times I hear people say, well, it's too easy.
• 6:52
  I know it sounds simple, right?
• 6:54
  But it is powerful.
• 6:57
  When I talk about like, Hey, one of the most powerful things you can do is to define your identity, really explore who you want to be.
• 7:07
  A lot of people think something along the lines of, well, duh, I know my parenting identity.
• 7:12
  I'm a mom or I'm a dad, or I'm fun, or I'm this.
• 7:16
  That's a good start, but you can do better.
• 7:20
  If all you know is that you're a mom or that you're a dad or that you don't like yelling, that's a good start, but it's not enough to really guide you in tough times.
• 7:34
  Parenting moments.
• 7:35
  You see, most parents have no clue what their parenting identity is.
• 7:41
  And with this lack of parenting identity, they have no idea how they want to behave from moment to moment and in the thick of things.
• 7:52
  When parenting gets really tough, you will usually just rely on old habits and old programming.
• 8:01
  So, this is one of those secret hacks.
• 8:04
  It sounds simple, but it is super powerful.
• 8:07
  Another thing that I often see when parents lack their own personal identity, and they try to adopt an identity that someone else has for them.
• 8:20
  Now, here's an example from my own life.
• 8:22
  I know I've talked about this before, but my mom has told me many times that.
• 8:26
  She thinks I should buy a milk cow and have my teenage sons milk the cow so they can learn how to work, be responsible.
• 8:36
  And my mom is convinced that this will work because this is what my parents did for me and my brothers.
• 8:42
  And she's like, well, it worked for you guys.
• 8:44
  You guys learned how to work hard.
• 8:46
  You're responsible.
• 8:47
  You turned into good people.
• 8:49
  This is exactly what your teens need.
• 8:52
  Now there's one problem.
• 8:53
  That would be me trying to live according to her identity for me.
• 9:00
  And that wouldn't be in line with my own identity and who I want to be.
• 9:06
  And some of the problems that come with a lack of parenting identity is that, number one, you're lost.
• 9:13
  You just, you have no guidance, no direction in tough parenting moments, because you don't know who you are and who you want to be.
• 9:22
  And then some of the other problems are with a lack of parenting identity is you might be wishy washy.
• 9:27
  You might try and parent one way, one week, and then a completely other way.
• 9:31
  And then maybe even a new way, all dependent upon like, Oh, well, my mom thinks I should do this, but you know what?
• 9:38
  My neighbors think I should do this.
• 9:39
  And my church leader says I should do this.
• 9:43
  And the thing is you need to define.
• 9:45
  Your own parenting identity.
• 9:48
  Now in the book, Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, there's a conversation between Alice and the Cheshire cat.
• 9:57
  And the conversation goes like this.
• 9:59
  Alice says, would you tell me please, which way.
• 10:03
  I ought to go from here.
• 10:05
  And the Cheshire cat says, that depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
• 10:11
  And Alice says, I don't much care where, and the Cheshire cat says, then it doesn't matter which way you go.
• 10:19
  That's the problem with not having your parenting identity.
• 10:22
  Because Alice had no clear vision for her purpose, for her final destination.
• 10:28
  She didn't care where she ended up.
• 10:30
  It didn't really matter which direction she took.
• 10:34
  And the same is true for parents.
• 10:37
  If you have no purpose, no clear identity, no vision, it really doesn't matter how you parent moment to moment because you don't know what you're working towards, but.
• 10:50
  If you know who you want to be as a parent, this identity will act as a guide or as a compass or as a parenting GPS, I like to call it.
• 11:04
  Any parenting moment, your identity will help guide you, it will help direct you as to where you should go, how you should behave based on who it is that you want to be.
• 11:17
  And this is especially important during tough parenting moments.
• 11:23
  Parents of teens struggle connecting with their teens, not because of who their teen is being or how their teen is behaving.
• 11:34
  You struggle connecting with your teen because you, the parent, Because of who you're being and how you're behaving.
• 11:43
  And if you haven't taken the time to define your parenting identity, you've probably gotten stuck in the lost and confused parent trap.
• 11:54
  Those of you who have taken my parent trap quiz, you know, that there's three different traps that you can get stuck in the lost and confused parent trap, the controlling parent trap, and the doormat parent trap.
• 12:08
  And a lack of identity most often is an indicator that you are trapped in the lost and confused parenting trap.
• 12:17
  So let's talk about defining your parenting identity.
• 12:22
  I have a specific process For doing this and you can find this specific process inside my membership, but I also want to tell you, I will be offering a free training on Friday, September 13th.
• 12:40
  Oh, this is going to be awesome guys.
• 12:42
  Friday the 13th in September at 10 AM mountain time.
• 12:49
  And I want to give you the basic idea about what it takes to define your identity as a parent.
• 12:57
  You need to take the time to define your identity.
• 13:01
  You get to define it.
• 13:03
  A lot of people talk about like finding their purpose, finding their identity.
• 13:08
  Define means that you get to determine.
• 13:12
  Who you are, your dreams and what your goals are, what your standards are and what you're working towards.
• 13:20
  And this is important because that helps you know who you want to be.
• 13:27
  The power of defining your parenting identity puts you in the driver's seat.
• 13:34
  It puts you in charge of you.
• 13:37
  Now, like I said, I'll be doing a free parenting class on Friday, the 13th, September 13th at 10 AM, and you'll get to choose what you want the parenting class to be on, you can choose between defining your parenting identity.
• 14:01
  You can choose between that and building better boundaries.
• 14:05
  I'll also have a place where you can write other, where if you're like, you know what, I got my boundaries locked down.
• 14:12
  I'm already being the parent of my dreams, but you know what, this is what I'd really like help with.
• 14:18
  And you can just.
• 14:20
  Come up with your own answer.
• 14:22
  When I take parents through the process of defining their identity, they're often shocked by just how far out of integrity they're living with the version of themselves that they'd like to be.
• 14:36
  They're like, man, I want to be fun.
• 14:38
  I want to be curious, but instead I'm like boring and mad all the time.
• 14:43
  During the process of defining your identity.
• 14:49
  It's important to take the time to identify times when you've felt at your best as a parent, times when you've felt excited, confident.
• 14:59
  When you felt loved and when you felt like parenting was easy and like, it just came naturally to you.
• 15:06
  Once you can do that and identify those moments, you can start to understand who you were being in those moments.
• 15:15
  Now, if you choose the identity training, the identity class for parents, this is what I'll teach you guys.
• 15:25
  I'll take you step by step through my process of really.
• 15:30
  Defining your parenting identity, really understanding who you are, who you want to be, and how to live in integrity with that.
• 15:40
  If you choose that you want to learn about building better boundaries, that's what we're going to talk about on next week's podcast.
• 15:50
  And that's going to be a great podcast.
• 15:52
  Either one of these trainings are going to be amazing.
• 15:56
  And I can see how both of them could be very important.
• 16:01
  Um, just go pick the one that you want first, and I'll make sure that you also get access to the other one when I do it, but with the.
• 16:09
  Identity one, you'll learn everything that we talked about today, but we'll go deeper in next week's podcast.
• 16:16
  We'll talk about the other option, which is building better boundaries.
• 16:19
  And we'll talk about the difference in different consequences, positive and negative consequences, natural and logical or enforced consequences.
• 16:31
  We'll also talk about rights versus privileges and how to have empowering conversations.
• 16:37
  Anyways, if you would like to choose.
• 16:40
  This is like one of those fun books from way back in the day.
• 16:44
  When you got to choose your own adventure, you get to choose your own adventure.
• 16:50
  You can go to benpughcoaching.com/parentingclass, and you can tell me exactly what you want the parenting class to be on, whether it be defining your own parenting identity, building better boundaries or other, and you can just let me know what.
• 17:08
  You want to learn.
• 17:10
  And if you want a better relationship with your teen, this free parenting class is going to help you do that.
• 17:19
  And building a better relationship with your teen is as easy as number one, signing up for this free parenting class by simply telling me what you want to learn.
• 17:30
  And again, you can go to benpughcoaching.com/parentingclass, and you can fill out the survey.
• 17:37
  It'll be super easy.
• 17:38
  You can either say, Hey, I want to learn how to define my parenting identity, or click the button that's like, no, I want to learn how to build better boundaries, or click other and just tell me exactly what you want.
• 17:51
  And step two is block out Friday, September 13th at 10am mountain time on your calendars.
• 17:59
  And step three, start empowering yourself to be the parent you Of your dreams.
• 18:06
  You've got this go.
• 18:08
  Tell me what you want to learn about at benpughcoaching.com/parentingclass, and I'll see you next week.
• 18:16
  Make sure you tune in because we will be talking about building better boundaries with your teen.
• 18:23
  I'll see you soon.