Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Doing our Family Road Trip - Season 3 Teens (Pt. 1) | Ep. 74

Transcript

Doing our Family Road Trip - Season 3 Teens (Pt. 1) | Ep. 74 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:07
  Cheryl: I am your host, she Lang, and I'd like to welcome you to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:12
  Cheryl: Well, we've been going through a series about looking at our parenting with a big picture of a family road trip, and on this episode we drive onto a little bit more curvy, bumpy roads as we begin to process and think about our season with our teens.
• 0:30
  Cheryl: I want to make it clear up front though.
• 0:33
  Cheryl: But this is not something to be feared or a big negative, but it is a lot more complicated because of all of the change.
• 0:41
  Cheryl: We want our burgeoning, growing, releasing teams to take over the driver's seat for their lives.
• 0:48
  Cheryl: That's part of what makes this portion of our road ship a little more challenging.
• 0:54
  Cheryl: Listen in as Christie and Ellen join me and hear how a teen speeding ticket can be a pivotal point in our parenting.
• 1:10
  Christie: Well, we have crossed a, um, milestone at the gunk house.
• 1:16
  Christie: What?
• 1:16
  Christie: Our last child got her driver's license.
• 1:20
  Christie: Oh, it feels like a bit of a finish line.
• 1:24
  Christie: Yeah, little bit.
• 1:26
  Christie: I I didn't do the teaching of driving at our house.
• 1:29
  Christie: Tim did.
• 1:30
  Christie: His areas were driving and swimming.
• 1:32
  Christie: Tim, bring them to me when they're complete and they're safe.
• 1:35
  Christie: But yeah, it's been kind of, A pretty momentous thing to think, wow, all of our children now drive Yeah.
• 1:43
  Christie: It, I mean, in my mind, once they're driving and get a job, it's like the downhill stretch.
• 1:47
  Christie: It's just, you know,
• 1:48
  Cheryl: it is, it certainly is a milestone.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: Uh, Ellen okay.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: What about you,
• 1:53
  Ellen: Emily?
• 1:53
  Ellen: Oh, no.
• 1:54
  Ellen: Didn't even, I did not even get into the car until after they'd been driving for six months.
• 2:00
  Ellen: Cause I'm not a good person if you're making me nervous.
• 2:03
  Ellen: Right.
• 2:03
  Ellen: And I'll just make them nervous.
• 2:04
  Ellen: It was mutual.
• 2:05
  Ellen: That it, you know, so Mike did all the training and teaching and, um, then, then when they were, you know, someone.
• 2:13
  Ellen: there, then I felt a little more
• 2:15
  Christie: relaxed, but Wow.
• 2:16
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:16
  Christie: What about you, Cheryl?
• 2:18
  Christie: No, I
• 2:18
  Cheryl: did most of all.
• 2:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:19
  Cheryl: But it was so funny.
• 2:20
  Cheryl: I remember, um, particularly all of them, but I remember specifically with Alex.
• 2:27
  Cheryl: we would go to practice, you know, you're nervous.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: Everyone feels a lot of stress.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: And uh, after about 20 minutes, he would just say, mom, I can't do it anymore.
• 2:38
  Cheryl: we can't do this.
• 2:39
  Cheryl: And I'm not a screamer or yeller.
• 2:42
  Cheryl: It's just that stress Yes.
• 2:44
  Cheryl: Of wanting to do it and how scary it is.
• 2:46
  Cheryl: And
• 2:47
  Christie: everyone's lives are in this one team's hands.
• 2:49
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: So then we would switch and I'd drive home.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: Because just, that intensity, he was done Right.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: And then of course the younger brothers and sisters enjoyed harassing their older ones.
• 3:02
  Cheryl: When they Uhhuh, would start being the one to drive and they'd go, oh no.
• 3:06
  Cheryl: And they'd run from a car, you know?
• 3:09
  Cheryl: So it was a family ordeal.
• 3:11
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: Uh, specifically I remember one of the things that was hardest there was.
• 3:16
  Cheryl: law about how many hours they had to drive and you had to sign Right.
• 3:20
  Cheryl: Thing saying, as the parents who would let them drive this many hours.
• 3:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:23
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:23
  Cheryl: Before they could get their license.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:26
  Cheryl: And.
• 3:26
  Cheryl: The night hours were the hard ones.
• 3:29
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: Because I didn't want to go hours and hours out at night driving around the town.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: I found that
• 3:34
  Christie: really hard, right.
• 3:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:36
  Christie: Well, even harder.
• 3:37
  Christie: I mean, I'm glad that she had to do it or my girls had to do it, but because now it's even harder to let her go places at night because you know, it's a little.
• 3:46
  Christie: Different driving at night than in the name.
• 3:48
  Christie: Really different.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: Well it's really funny because my oldest Rebecca said, oh no, you're teaching another one to drive.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: And I go, what do you mean by that?
• 3:56
  Cheryl: She said, I can always tell because when.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: are doing that and I'm driving as an adult.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:05
  Cheryl: you keep saying, oh honey, remember look over here, watch out.
• 4:08
  Christie: There's a turn lane.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: I go, oh, I'm so sorry.
• 4:11
  Cheryl: Yes, yes.
• 4:12
  Cheryl: it just floods over.
• 4:13
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:14
  Ellen: And my favorite story is I am driving down the street and all of a sudden this car comes flying by me probably doing 20 over the speed limit.
• 4:23
  Ellen: And I went, ah, that's my daughter.
• 4:25
  Ellen: Oh.
• 4:27
  Christie: She beat me home.
• 4:28
  Christie: Oh my goodness.
• 4:29
  Christie: Well, yeah, driving with my adult children now is, it's a whole nother story cuz you know, they can drive however they want.
• 4:36
  Christie: I'm right, like, uh, I'll just drive my car and meet you there, Yeah.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: And I will tell you one thing, I learned it from Alex because that thing of when the phone rings and it's dark at night.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: And bad weather.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:50
  Cheryl: Pick up the phone and say, mom, I've had a wreck.
• 4:52
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:52
  Cheryl: Oh gosh.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: And in this case, he was in college and he had slid on some ice.
• 4:59
  Cheryl: Oh, wow.
• 4:59
  Cheryl: And there was nothing he could do.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: It was this tiniest little bit of ice.
• 5:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:03
  Cheryl: But he just started going sideways and he couldn't stop.
• 5:06
  Cheryl: So it's kind of a deserted area with all these trees and overgrowth.
• 5:10
  Cheryl: And literally the car flipped in over in twice.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: Oh, Cheryl.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: And then finished with the nose down and the tail up off the side of the road, leaning against a fence that was there.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: Oh my word.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: And so when he called first, it's dark at night.
• 5:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:28
  Cheryl: And bad weather He said, oh, just a sec.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: No, it's okay.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: No, there's nobody else in there.
• 5:35
  Cheryl: No.
• 5:35
  Cheryl: No.
• 5:35
  Cheryl: I'm not, and so my heart's not.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: Meaning all of right.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: he was okay God really protected him.
• 5:42
  Cheryl: But subsequently I go, here's what you do.
• 5:44
  Cheryl: Hi mom.
• 5:45
  Cheryl: I'm okay.
• 5:45
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: Start there and then you can tell me anything.
• 5:48
  Cheryl: So from then on, part of your training as a driver is, let's practice that.
• 5:53
  Cheryl: Hi mom.
• 5:54
  Cheryl: I'm okay.
• 5:54
  Cheryl: Yes, yes.
• 5:55
  Christie: And then the rest of that's a great thing.
• 5:57
  Christie: Nothing else matters after that statement.
• 5:58
  Christie: That's a great thing
• 5:58
  Ellen: to tell.
• 6:00
  Ellen: Soon to be driving child.
• 6:01
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:01
  Ellen: You know, this is how you call me when you've wrecked
• 6:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:05
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:05
  Cheryl: So we are on this road trip of talking about road trips Yes.
• 6:09
  Cheryl: Through, our parenting years.
• 6:12
  Cheryl: And so now we're into teamed.
• 6:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: And that's the last segment.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: Active, road trip that we're gonna take because we're gonna go ahead and have an addendum to the road trip.
• 6:23
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:23
  Cheryl: Because we wanna stay in a relationship mm-hmm.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: with our grown kids.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: But first, let's, uh, Encapsulize, what would you say to remind everybody on this road trip what are we coming out of?
• 6:34
  Cheryl: What we call the middle ages.
• 6:36
  Cheryl: sort of flyover states mm-hmm.
• 6:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: The elementary years.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:40
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:40
  Cheryl: how would you describe in general this season,
• 6:44
  Christie: you say flyover states.
• 6:45
  Christie: I mean, it's a good parallel because I think for a lot of these middle years, it's kind of the, um, smoother part of the road trip.
• 6:53
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 6:53
  Christie: A little bit of coasting happens.
• 6:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:55
  Christie: maybe a few pit stops along the way, but.
• 6:58
  Christie: You know, for the most part it's a smoother
• 7:01
  Cheryl: ride.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:02
  Ellen: You know, it's relatively.
• 7:04
  Ellen: Less complicated than it was when they were younger and you just had to provide so many things,
• 7:10
  Christie: right?
• 7:10
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:10
  Christie: A little more predictable maybe.
• 7:12
  Christie: Oh, that's a good
• 7:12
  Cheryl: one.
• 7:12
  Cheryl: Yeah, right.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: I would use the word simpler.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: Not without flat tires and not without challenges.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:20
  Cheryl: Okay good But today,, as we focus on this, teens season, what characterizes, what do y'all think when you reflect as the parents mm-hmm.
• 7:30
  Cheryl: of having teens on the road trip.
• 7:33
  Cheryl: What do y'all think of?
• 7:33
  Christie: Well, when I was thinking about the road trip analogy, I was thinking Driving through rain or storm, everything starts feeling a little bit more ominous, a little bit more risky, and the stakes are higher.
• 7:46
  Christie: Yes.
• 7:46
  Christie: You're right And potholes, you didn't see Uhhuh, lots of unexpected twists and turns.
• 7:51
  Christie: Yeah, that's, yeah,
• 7:52
  Cheryl: I think if I could characterize it, I would say change.
• 7:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:56
  Cheryl: because, two thirds have been fairly similar.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:01
  Cheryl: In a lot of the different approaches, but it changes and I was kind of thinking, well, if we're gonna go with the road trip analogy, sort of maybe we've been on interstate Yes.
• 8:11
  Cheryl: And just kind of going 70 miles an hour and stopping when we want to and turning off and doing that.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: But just kind of breezing through sort of mm-hmm.
• 8:21
  Cheryl: and.
• 8:22
  Cheryl: Off the interstate on those old state roads.
• 8:25
  Cheryl: Side roads.
• 8:26
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:26
  Cheryl: The state roads where you have to really watch the speed limit because suddenly you're going through all these little towns and they're not as well
• 8:33
  Ellen: maintained as the interstate.
• 8:35
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:35
  Cheryl: You might get behind, you know, someone carrying chickens it's just very different and you have to be aware of other things.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: than when it was kind of a little more auto drive.
• 8:47
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 8:47
  Christie: I agree.
• 8:48
  Christie: Yeah, that's good.
• 8:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:49
  Christie: Well, and it gets your attention, you know, if you're the sleeping passenger and the things change and you start waking up and saying what's going on out there, there's a lot of things in this season that start getting your attention.
• 8:58
  Christie: Okay.
• 8:59
  Christie: So
• 8:59
  Cheryl: If it is a season of change, what are some of the things of change I think the level of cooperation.
• 9:06
  Ellen: Okay, explain that.
• 9:07
  Ellen: Um, I think when they're younger, Just by nature being younger, they're more cooperative.
• 9:14
  Ellen: Hey, let's go do this.
• 9:16
  Ellen: As they're entering their teen years and in their teen years, they have their own opinions about stuff.
• 9:20
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:21
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:21
  Ellen: And they're really forming those, whether they make sense or not sometimes, and they can get really stubborn about, no, this is how I feel.
• 9:28
  Ellen: Even if to everyone else it's illogical or it's inconvenient.
• 9:33
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:33
  Ellen: And so you wind up having more.
• 9:35
  Ellen: Conflict.
• 9:36
  Ellen: That's true.
• 9:37
  Ellen: And, um, you know, I can remember saying, what happened to my kid?
• 9:43
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:44
  Ellen: you know, all of a sudden.
• 9:45
  Ellen: I'm not this wonderful mom anymore.
• 9:47
  Ellen: I'm like the enemy.
• 9:48
  Ellen: Right.
• 9:49
  Ellen: And I just
• 9:49
  Christie: woke up Well, I think that's because one of the changes, and we've talked about this a little bit along the way, that their values are becoming their values.
• 9:58
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 9:59
  Christie: Yes.
• 9:59
  Christie: Rather than our values driving the ship.
• 10:01
  Christie: Yes.
• 10:01
  Christie: It's now that they're becoming more aware of the independence they're going to have in increasing amounts.
• 10:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:07
  Christie: And so they're starting to decide what their values are.
• 10:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:11
  Christie: And what they wanna live by,
• 10:12
  Cheryl: which actually.
• 10:14
  Cheryl: That's not as simple, so maybe I would say complex.
• 10:19
  Cheryl: I mean, there's change, but it's the complexity because what you're describing, Ellen, is a very healthy process, right?
• 10:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:25
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:25
  Cheryl: Because we're transitioning, mm-hmm.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: right from child into young adult, and we want them thinking about what they wanted and making choices and.
• 10:35
  Cheryl: Separating from us, but it makes
• 10:38
  Ellen: our lives more complicated as parents because you're like, oh, yesterday you used to like this Right?
• 10:45
  Ellen: What
• 10:45
  Christie: happened?
• 10:46
  Christie: Well, it's healthy, but it's clumsy.
• 10:49
  Christie: It true.
• 10:49
  Christie: But that's good.
• 10:50
  Christie: That's a good word.
• 10:50
  Christie: It it's a, like when they're toddlers, it's healthy for them to learn to walk, but it's clumsy.
• 10:55
  Christie: They fall a lot.
• 10:56
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:56
  Christie: And so they are struggling.
• 10:58
  Christie: You're struggling to sort it all out.
• 11:00
  Christie: Out.
• 11:00
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: And I made a mistake because I kind of.
• 11:03
  Cheryl: didn't understand this.
• 11:04
  Cheryl: So again, I was surprised by it, like the lack of cooperation.
• 11:08
  Cheryl: I just thought we would do more of what we'd been doing, right?
• 11:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:12
  Cheryl: And so I was ignorant.
• 11:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:15
  Cheryl: I didn't know and.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: I had To change.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: So I saw this as a positive instead of seeing them pushing back all the time, that they're trying to transition and figure it out themselves.
• 11:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:28
  Ellen: And sometimes they're just pushing back.
• 11:30
  Ellen: Yes That's right.
• 11:31
  Ellen: You know, and, and I think that's where it's weary.
• 11:33
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 11:34
  Ellen: You know, especially if you weren't quite ready for that.
• 11:36
  Ellen: Yes.
• 11:37
  Ellen: and especially if you have a couple of teenagers in your house and you know, it's sort of like, I remember telling one of my kids the reason I always picked you to do something that nobody else would do because you gave me the least resistance.
• 11:49
  Ellen: Right.
• 11:49
  Ellen: I would honestly think that, right.
• 11:51
  Ellen: What kid will give me the least resistance on having to clean the kitchen right
• 11:55
  Christie: now?
• 11:55
  Christie: Well, yeah.
• 11:55
  Christie: Especially if you have some kids still in the seasons before.
• 11:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:00
  Christie: At this age or if you have kids on the other side of it that are more enjoyable.
• 12:04
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:05
  Christie: I'll be honest.
• 12:06
  Christie: Sometimes I'm just annoyed that we have to go through this season.
• 12:09
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:09
  Christie: Can you just get this outta your system so we can have fun again?
• 12:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:12
  Christie: You know, because it.
• 12:14
  Christie: Cycle through.
• 12:15
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:15
  Christie: Once they come to a place of Yes.
• 12:17
  Christie: Asserting and, and obtaining the independence, yes.
• 12:20
  Christie: They're, they are more enjoyable eventually.
• 12:21
  Christie: And
• 12:22
  Ellen: also something that I had to recognize.
• 12:24
  Ellen: A lot of times when you have your teenagers, you are also going through changes.
• 12:30
  Ellen: Yes, yes.
• 12:30
  Ellen: mom Probably going through menopause or other changes at that point in your life.
• 12:35
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:35
  Ellen: I knew I had a lot of emotions because that's what I was going through and my teens were having a lot of emotions, so it was just like a simmering pot.
• 12:44
  Ellen: I'm surprised my husband would come home some night.
• 12:46
  Ellen: Absolutely.
• 12:47
  Cheryl: I will say emotions do run high.
• 12:49
  Cheryl: But just when you were talking, I have to learn to be mature.
• 12:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:55
  Cheryl: not take it personally.
• 12:56
  Cheryl: Right?
• 12:56
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 12:57
  Cheryl: And really think about them, what is really best for them.
• 13:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:01
  Cheryl: instead of taking it.
• 13:02
  Cheryl: Personally when they push
• 13:04
  Ellen: back.
• 13:04
  Ellen: And that's the hardest thing, Cheryl.
• 13:06
  Ellen: I mean, it does feel really personal and many times it is personal.
• 13:10
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:10
  Ellen: And you just have to go, okay, they're just, they're being a mouthy teen right now.
• 13:14
  Ellen: Right.
• 13:14
  Ellen: I'm gonna put this over here and maybe deal with it later on.
• 13:18
  Ellen: But it's, it's hard sometimes.
• 13:20
  Ellen: Well,
• 13:20
  Christie: and we've talked before about the change not being linear, that it's more circular.
• 13:25
  Christie: And I think that can be by the day, by the hour, by the week.
• 13:29
  Christie: You know, and they don't even.
• 13:31
  Christie: Feel it all the time.
• 13:33
  Christie: I had a situation with one of mine once where I had asked if she wanted my involvement in something and she said no, so I didn't get involved.
• 13:42
  Christie: And then after the facting, she said, well, You, you didn't even care.
• 13:47
  Christie: You weren't even there.
• 13:49
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:49
  Christie: And I thought I asked you, but she didn't know what her feelings were gonna be the next day.
• 13:55
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:55
  Christie: You know, at this event.
• 13:56
  Christie: And so they don't even know it.
• 13:59
  Christie: And I don't say that to talk down about them.
• 14:01
  Christie: It's just a very cloudy time.
• 14:03
  Christie: It is.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: It really is.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: Cuz I had exactly the same thing.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: I was trying to release you.
• 14:08
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:08
  Cheryl: And not hover.
• 14:09
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:10
  Christie: Right.
• 14:10
  Christie: And then now I didn't care.
• 14:12
  Christie: Now
• 14:13
  Cheryl: you see, I don't care.
• 14:14
  Cheryl: Or I'm investing because I think that shows I care and they feel like
• 14:19
  I'm
• 14:20
  Christie: suffer suffocating.
• 14:20
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:21
  Christie: or.
• 14:22
  Christie: They have a friend
• 14:23
  Ellen: who they're really upset with at that time, and you agree why they're upset and you simplifies with them.
• 14:29
  Ellen: And then you might say something, maybe a little snarky about the friend, and then it's mom, how can you say that they're my best friend, right?
• 14:36
  Ellen: And I'm like,
• 14:37
  Christie: okay, nevermind.
• 14:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:38
  Christie: It's my, my girls will.
• 14:39
  Christie: Say, oh, you know, and so-and-so we love so-and-so.
• 14:42
  Christie: I'm like, oh, do we?
• 14:43
  Christie: Okay, good.
• 14:44
  Christie: You know, cause it's a team effort here.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 14:46
  Cheryl: And we may have mentioned this aspect before, but do you know literally in the back of their brain back here, and I don't know what it's called, but it's sort of called a loyalty gland or whatever of the brain and it fires off during this Yes.
• 15:04
  Cheryl: That's in adolescence.
• 15:04
  Cheryl: So true.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: So that.
• 15:07
  Cheryl: They would kind of throw you and everything else under the bus.
• 15:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:10
  Cheryl: to be loyal to whatever it is.
• 15:12
  Christie: Fiercely loyal.
• 15:13
  Christie: And it probably has a lot to do with their identity.
• 15:16
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:16
  Christie: You know, the, whatever they're identifying themselves with mm-hmm.
• 15:19
  Christie: in that moment, what they're gonna be loyal to,
• 15:21
  Cheryl: whether it's a friend or a movement or a style of clothes.
• 15:24
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:25
  Cheryl: Or music.
• 15:25
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:26
  Cheryl: So, I would say listeners, if you're on this, um, segment of the trip that you'd.
• 15:33
  Cheryl: cautious with your opinions, particularly negative.
• 15:37
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:38
  Cheryl: You know, because they do take it all personally.
• 15:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:42
  Cheryl: they don't want you to take it personally, but it is this loyalty to something because they're trying to formulate their identity.
• 15:49
  Cheryl: in a way they didn't previously.
• 15:51
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:51
  Cheryl: And
• 15:51
  Ellen: they will defend it even if they know when they're defending it.
• 15:54
  Ellen: It's stupid.
• 15:55
  Ellen: Stupid.
• 15:55
  Ellen: Right.
• 15:55
  Ellen: But they're going to defend it.
• 15:57
  Ellen: yes.
• 15:58
  Ellen: I've had principal, right.
• 15:59
  Ellen: I've had teens defend stuff and then come later on and go, sorry mom, that was dumb, but Right,
• 16:04
  Christie: right.
• 16:04
  Christie: Yes, I've moved
• 16:05
  Cheryl: on.
• 16:06
  Cheryl: Yes, exactly.
• 16:07
  Cheryl: I think one of the things that would help me, if I'm using the roadmap mm-hmm.
• 16:11
  Cheryl: to realize San Francisco is at the end of this road.
• 16:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:14
  Cheryl: and I don't have all of Tennessee and Kansas and all of this, but we're quickly approaching, San Francisco right.
• 16:22
  Cheryl: A definitive end to this age of active parenting.
• 16:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:27
  Cheryl: And once we get over the Rockies, Yeah.
• 16:30
  Cheryl: But to really that almost there, but not even that.
• 16:32
  Cheryl: Not, oh, I'm gonna get through this and I'll be done with it.
• 16:36
  Cheryl: There's that aspect.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:38
  Cheryl: But I really meant realize this period is the end I have, yeah.
• 16:43
  Cheryl: I want to make the most out of it.
• 16:45
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:45
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: And I blew it so much not understanding all of this.
• 16:50
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:51
  Cheryl: One of the things, I think what you're talking about, and you've alluded to, are conversations.
• 16:56
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 16:57
  Cheryl: and the difference in conversations here is we've exited the training years.
• 17:04
  Cheryl: Really?
• 17:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:05
  Cheryl: which is why we say be sure and use that portion.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: So I can't do all the training in my conversations.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:12
  Cheryl: I have to actually like, Really have conversations and I think if I would go back and change one thing, I would've asked a whole lot more.
• 17:23
  Cheryl: Hey, what do you think about that?
• 17:25
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 17:25
  Cheryl: I think, well,
• 17:26
  Christie: we were talking a lot about how this is a season of change for them, but I think with this, we're talking about how this is a season of change for us in the way that we approach parenting our teens.
• 17:37
  Cheryl: Absolutely
• 17:38
  Christie: It is shifting from that control that we had for so long.
• 17:42
  Christie: and now it's becoming more of a side-by-side, not in a, in a peer way, but side-by-side.
• 17:49
  Christie: Walking along together.
• 17:50
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:51
  Christie: Of Tell me more about why you feel that way.
• 17:53
  Christie: Tell me what you think about that.
• 17:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:55
  Christie: You know, oh, I heard about this news story.
• 17:57
  Christie: What are your thoughts on that?
• 17:58
  Christie: And just.
• 17:59
  Christie: Hearing where they're coming from.
• 18:01
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:02
  Ellen: and then not always to have an answer for them.
• 18:04
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:05
  Ellen: Absolutely.
• 18:05
  Ellen: Because they may share with you what they feel, and then you just cut it to the quick when you go.
• 18:10
  Ellen: But you know Right.
• 18:11
  Ellen: You know better.
• 18:12
  Ellen: You know that's a wrong thing that your friend's doing.
• 18:15
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:15
  Ellen: Or you're thinking about, and that's it.
• 18:17
  Ellen: That ruins everything.
• 18:19
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:20
  Ellen: Because.
• 18:21
  Ellen: You've already taught them.
• 18:22
  Ellen: They've heard it all.
• 18:23
  Ellen: Yes.
• 18:23
  Ellen: And you know, you'll hear your teen go, I know, I know.
• 18:26
  Ellen: You told me that a million times, mom.
• 18:27
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:28
  Ellen: you know, and that's, that's a negative.
• 18:30
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:31
  Cheryl: Ellen That's bad parenting.
• 18:33
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 18:33
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 18:33
  Cheryl: Now there are places where we're supposed to speak.
• 18:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:36
  Cheryl: but in general, exactly what you said, that mistake of always coming back, pointing out the moral issue or the wisdom because what we want to be is the safe place where they will open up.
• 18:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:51
  Cheryl: Yeah,.
• 18:52
  Cheryl: And we can have an opportunity maybe to speak into that, but a lot of that there coming, maybe they were in the back of the U v previously and now they have moved up on the front seat.
• 19:04
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: You're like, you're saying stuff and they wanna drive.
• 19:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:08
  Cheryl: And you know, for example, actually, you started out talking about their driving.
• 19:14
  Cheryl: So they come home and go, oh great, I just got a ticket for speeding.
• 19:19
  Cheryl: Boy is at a place where my parenting will pivot.
• 19:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:23
  Cheryl: exactly the way I handle that, right?
• 19:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: and um, I've learned from y'all and others now to say, oh man, that stinks.
• 19:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:36
  Cheryl: Instead of, eh.
• 19:37
  Christie: Yes.
• 19:38
  Christie: The lecture, right?
• 19:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:39
  Christie: Now's the time for compassion.
• 19:41
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 19:42
  Christie: and relatability.
• 19:44
  Christie: And if you can't
• 19:44
  Ellen: do that, you just go, bummer.
• 19:46
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:46
  Ellen: You know,
• 19:47
  Christie: walk your tongue.
• 19:48
  Christie: Exactly.
• 19:49
  Christie: You know, I'm thinking about the road trip and thinking, you know, when my girls were little and we were going somewhere that maybe they needed to be, on their best behavior and we were almost there.
• 19:59
  Christie: I might turn and say, okay, hey, I turned the radio down and say, Hey, we're almost there.
• 20:03
  Christie: I need to talk to you about some things.
• 20:04
  Christie: And that was where I wanted to have some conversations, but I think in this season, we're almost there.
• 20:10
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:10
  Christie: But the things that I need to say and and do are investing in the relationship and the, the emotional needs that they have.
• 20:17
  Christie: Like, Hey, you're almost too.
• 20:19
  Christie: Adulthood.
• 20:20
  Christie: And the things I care about is I want us to have this ongoing relationship as we arrive to San Francisco.
• 20:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:28
  Christie: And so I think that's where that has to move to the front seat, so to speak.
• 20:32
  Christie: And it's so
• 20:32
  Ellen: hard not to wanna tell them Oh yeah.
• 20:35
  Ellen: You know, tell them what they did wrong or how they could have done it better.
• 20:38
  Ellen: And one thing I.
• 20:41
  Ellen: you know, towards the end of five children.
• 20:42
  Ellen: So my first couple of kids didn't get the benefit of it.
• 20:45
  Ellen: I started going, um, do you want my opinion?
• 20:50
  Ellen: Hmm.
• 20:51
  Ellen: And asking, or do you want my advice?
• 20:53
  Ellen: Asking them and give them a choice?
• 20:55
  Ellen: And sometimes they would say yes, and a lot of times they go, no.
• 20:58
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:58
  Ellen: And then
• 20:59
  Christie: go.
• 20:59
  Christie: Okay.
• 21:00
  Christie: Right.
• 21:00
  Ellen: because that's kind of what you do with your friends.
• 21:02
  Ellen: Yes.
• 21:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:03
  Ellen: you know, I wouldn't just say, I think you should do these five things.
• 21:06
  Ellen: I go, well, I was thinking, what do you think if I tell you this?
• 21:09
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:09
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:10
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:10
  Ellen: tell me what you think.
• 21:11
  Ellen: So just sometimes asking our
• 21:12
  Christie: kids, I agree.
• 21:14
  Christie: Just
• 21:14
  Cheryl: a respect.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: That plays out differently Yeah.
• 21:17
  Cheryl: Than it did through the others.
• 21:19
  Cheryl: season, And this is not neglectful, uncaring, you're on your own and I don't care.
• 21:24
  Christie: Right.
• 21:25
  Christie: Or you just throw'em to the wolves and they can do anything they want.
• 21:28
  Cheryl: Not this is trying to be the most possibly engaged mm-hmm.
• 21:35
  Cheryl: parent in this season of all this transition.
• 21:38
  Cheryl: And you're
• 21:39
  Ellen: saying I'm there for you.
• 21:40
  Cheryl: Oh, that's so good.
• 21:41
  Christie: Yeah, I love that.
• 21:43
  Oh, sorry.
• 21:44
  I have to push the pause button here on this conversation.
• 21:48
  As I think you can hear, we all were really engaged in talking about the complexity and challenges and opportunities for growth for each of us in navigating this teen season with our children.
• 22:02
  So we'll pick this back up on our next episode.
• 22:06
  Remember, parents, hang in there.
• 22:09
  Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 22:20
  Cheryl: You know, thinking about all we just heard and emotionally engaging with it myself, it was a season of just so much change and I wasn't prepared for all of it.
• 22:33
  Cheryl: It's really hard cuz you just don't know where the change is coming from or who's gonna be doing it.
• 22:41
  Cheryl: But if I could pull one single phrase that I wish would've characterized my parenting during this season.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: It would be what Ellen said that my children would've heard from what I said and I did.
• 22:58
  Cheryl: Hey, I'm here for you.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: Would love to hear your thoughtfulness teen season.
• 23:05
  Cheryl: You can easily contact us on our website, social media, or by texting.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: contact@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 23:14
  Cheryl: Be sure you're following us on your podcasting app because you're going to want to listen in to the next episode and hear the rest of this conversation on the Parenting podcast.