Latest / The Love Drive with Shaun Galanos / Should your friends unfollow your ex?
Transcript
- 0:00We had such a beautiful life. There is like I can't wish any
- 0:04more time with him because it was perfect just the way it was.
- 0:19OK everybody welcome to the Love Drive podcast.
- 0:23My name is Sean Galinos, I am recording from Thailand.
- 0:28I'm currently on Cofayam, not to be confused with Copenam, and
- 0:35this is a tiny little island that has no cars, only scooters
- 0:39and tuk tuks. And I am here celebrating my
- 0:42friend Casima's 50th birthday. We're doing a week on the beach
- 0:48and then we're doing about a week in Bangkok celebrating his
- 0:51birthday and also Songcran, which is Thai New Year's and a
- 0:56big like water fight festival in Bangkok.
- 0:59Going to be super fun. This past week has been sort of
- 1:03like very relaxed sitting on the beach.
- 1:06I have a beachfront bungalow, which is OK.
- 1:09This is funny as a single person, and I think some of you
- 1:12are going to be able to relate to this.
- 1:15I almost always get screwed in the group accommodations.
- 1:19Like I get the worst room. I get the room that's like a
- 1:22closet that has a curtain as a door or it's a trundle bed, or
- 1:27it's like, sorry, you could sleep on the couch, right?
- 1:30Like it because in the Airbnb's, whenever there's like a group
- 1:33thing, the couples always get the better rooms.
- 1:36That's just what happens. And it's also unfair that we,
- 1:39for the most part, have to pay the same price as everybody.
- 1:42And so when I got to this resort, I was like, oh, I'm of
- 1:45course going to get the worst room.
- 1:46And something happened. Everything has been righted in
- 1:50the world in which I got the best room with there was only
- 1:55two bungalows that have an ocean view, and Bungalow 4 is one of
- 1:59them. And so I'm currently sitting at
- 2:02the desk in this room looking at the ocean, recording this for
- 2:06you. And so I feel very grateful
- 2:09currently in this moment. So I'm here as the 33rd wheel,
- 2:14like I'm used to being like a third wheel, a fifth wheel and
- 2:169th wheel. I'm now the 33rd wheel.
- 2:19I am one of only two single people on this group.
- 2:23I'm surrounded by my friends and their kids, which is
- 2:28interesting. Like, I love my friends.
- 2:30Their kids are great, obviously, But spending time with a lot of
- 2:33families, you just sort of realize how distracted people
- 2:37get, right? Because their priority is their
- 2:39children. Which makes a lot of sense.
- 2:40But it can be a little frustrating as a single person
- 2:43hanging around kids or your friends and their kids.
- 2:46Because at any point in your conversation with them, they
- 2:50will just stop talking and deal with whatever little child need
- 2:55happens to pop up. Which is fine, it makes sense,
- 2:57it is just a little. I guess frustrating is the word.
- 3:02But it's also been really sweet to see my friend's parent and
- 3:06they are all doing it really well it seems.
- 3:09So that's been really sweet and it's been fun to kind of spend a
- 3:13little bit more solo time and just like a lot of rest.
- 3:17So that's the update on where I am.
- 3:20Today is also day 24 of no nicotine.
- 3:22Let's go. I'm feeling super pumped about
- 3:25that. I don't know what has changed
- 3:28because usually travel is when I love to use nicotine.
- 3:32It's not a trigger, but it's like an opportunity to like,
- 3:35hey, this is fun. What?
- 3:36You know what would make it even more fun?
- 3:39A vape, which is like silly if you think about it, But as an
- 3:42addict, it makes a lot of sense, right?
- 3:45Like take your drug of choice and add it to anything.
- 3:49And the idea is that it's supposed to make it better.
- 3:51The reality is that it often doesn't.
- 3:54So day 24 feeling pretty good. Haven't had any like real
- 3:58triggers pop up. My mango sticky rice consumption
- 4:03is severely elevated and I think that makes sense.
- 4:06I am definitely am using sugar a little bit to compensate for
- 4:10that, but I'm feeling really good.
- 4:12I feel like being in Bangkok was going to be the most challenging
- 4:15part of this trip just because it, I don't know, Bangkok feels
- 4:19like big hot city and I don't know a time in which I would
- 4:24want to use nicotine. So I'm grateful that that I'm
- 4:26not. Another little weird update is
- 4:28that after Thailand, I was going to head to Europe and I didn't
- 4:32buy any tickets because as a single person, I have a lot of
- 4:34flexibility. And as somebody who works for
- 4:37themselves, I have a lot of flexibility in when I travel and
- 4:40when I fly. And I generally fly sort of last
- 4:42minute booking on points because I have a good amount of points.
- 4:47But unfortunately I wasn't factoring in war in the Middle
- 4:51East, and so all direct flights from Asia to Europe are pretty
- 4:56much full. And if they're not, they're like
- 4:58$5000 for a direct economy ticket, which I'm unwilling to
- 5:03pay. Or they're cheaptickets that
- 5:05transit through Abu Dhabi or Dubai or or Oman or a plethora
- 5:10of other Middle Eastern airports, which I'm also not
- 5:13willing to travel through because it feels like maybe not
- 5:16the safest thing to do instead of going West to Europe, Which
- 5:20is a bummer because I had plans to see a bunch of friends in
- 5:23both Berlin and France. I am going east, I think E to
- 5:28Korea. I've never been to Seoul.
- 5:31I love Korean food, I love Korean culture, I love Koreans.
- 5:36I used to play with a bunch of Koreans.
- 5:37I used to play badminton with a bunch of Koreans in LA and just
- 5:42excited to explore a different culture.
- 5:46It also feels like I'm already in Asia.
- 5:48Let's stay in Asia. Let's like continue to explore
- 5:50Asia. So I'm going to Seoul probably
- 5:53for like 5 days and then maybe I'll go to Busan.
- 5:55If you've some of you have heard of the movie Train to Busan, I'm
- 5:59probably going to take a train to Busan, which is more of a
- 6:02like fishing village vibes, I think.
- 6:06And Seoul is like a, you know, big, huge modern city.
- 6:09So if you are in Korea and you want to show me around, if you
- 6:13want to show me around Seoul, you want to show me around
- 6:15Busan, DM me, e-mail me. Let's make that happen.
- 6:19I'm going to be there April 20. No, sorry, April like 19th to
- 6:23the 25th or thereabouts. Again, it's flexible.
- 6:26So anyways, going to Korea, pretty excited about it.
- 6:29Shout out to Melanie from Copper Lodge.
- 6:33You know who you are. You are Iran's friend.
- 6:37Iran is one of my friends, and this is just a weird little
- 6:41shout out out of nowhere. I know you listen to the
- 6:43podcast. You were incredulous when you
- 6:46found out that I was going to be in Thailand at the same time as
- 6:50Iran. I was at your lodge, by the way,
- 6:52for Iran's wedding. And I swam naked in your Creek.
- 6:55Thank you for the hospitality and just the lovely location and
- 7:00for helping put together really, really, really great, great
- 7:02wedding. So thank you.
- 7:05OK, What else? What's going on?
- 7:07I have a couple stories for you and then I have a couple of
- 7:10Q&A's slash messages and I received a message from a woman
- 7:17this morning. And I don't normally respond to
- 7:20like messages out of the blue on my in my DMS, but I did because
- 7:25this woman's dog was just diagnosed with cataracts in
- 7:29which this dog will be blind in one eye, is blind in one eye,
- 7:33and will be blind in the other eye very shortly.
- 7:35And this woman was a little distraught and looking for
- 7:38advice because I had a blind dog for six years.
- 7:42So Roger, my dog who passed away in October, October 9th.
- 7:46Bless his whole his soul, bless his whole and rest in peace
- 7:52Roger. Sweet Angel Baby at some point
- 7:55in his life developed lenticular sclerosis and or progressive
- 8:00retinal atrophy. Basically his eyes just stopped
- 8:03working when he was like 5 or 6 and it was progressive.
- 8:07But my friends, I didn't notice it.
- 8:09My friends made a few comments like, Hey, I think your dog is
- 8:13like hard of he's like having a hard time seeing and I was like,
- 8:16no, there's no way. We fetch.
- 8:18He gets he like grabs the ball out of midair.
- 8:20Like, how is that possible? And it's sort of like when a
- 8:23teacher tells you that your child is like, a little slow and
- 8:27you're like, no, not Jimmy. Jimmy's not slow.
- 8:31He's different. And then after a while, you
- 8:32start looking at Jimmy a little bit differently and you go, oh,
- 8:35maybe he is slow. And I started realizing that
- 8:37Roger was going blind because he would, like, kind of bunk into
- 8:40things or he would, like, miss a step.
- 8:43And eventually it was just confirmed when I went to the
- 8:45doggy ophthalmologist and he said, yeah, your dog has
- 8:50lenticular sclerosis. And this was probably about when
- 8:53he was six or something. And there's just like nothing
- 8:55you can do about that. And I said, OK, well, what do I
- 8:58do? And the the doctor said, well,
- 9:01whatever you do, don't change his environment, you know, don't
- 9:04like, start moving furniture around, blah, blah, blah.
- 9:07And I go, oh, we're actually moving.
- 9:10OK, hold on. Sorry, someone's coming to clean
- 9:12my room and I don't need it. Thank you.
- 9:18OK side tangent. I love getting my room made-up
- 9:23at hotels and I wasn't expecting it.
- 9:26It's like it's almost like something that kind of went away
- 9:27after COVID for a few years and now I think it's back.
- 9:30But like a a room refresh everyday please swap the towels,
- 9:36make the bed, tidy up my belongings.
- 9:38I die for that. Like it's just so good.
- 9:42Anyways, I, you see the sacrifices they're making for
- 9:44you. I had to say no thank you to a
- 9:47room refresh, but it's OK because I'm leaving tomorrow.
- 9:48And and I tidied, funnily enough, I tidied up the room for
- 9:53this podcast for you because we're friends.
- 9:57OK, So Roger, the, the doctor says don't, don't change his
- 10:01environment. And I go, oh, we're actually
- 10:04moving and we're going to be on the road for a year and I don't
- 10:07know where I'm going to land. And the guy goes, you know, he's
- 10:10going to be fine. And ultimately he was right.
- 10:13Roger was fine. Dogs are very resilient.
- 10:16They also don't know that they're going blind or that
- 10:19like, that's a problem. They don't know that.
- 10:22They don't know that that's not what's supposed to happen.
- 10:24They're not talking to other dogs going like, hey, are you
- 10:26guys? Is everything like dim all of a
- 10:29sudden? No, it's just that's their life.
- 10:31They live in the moment. And I always had a pretty
- 10:34cavalier attitude towards Rodger.
- 10:37Like he's a very independent dog.
- 10:39I left him with people, you know, I sort of just trusted
- 10:42that he was going to be OK. I mean, obviously I left him
- 10:44with good people, but we had a trusting relationship.
- 10:47And so I, I knew that he was going to be OK.
- 10:50And So what happened when he became blind is I didn't really
- 10:52do anything differently. We still played fetch everyday.
- 10:56He just had to use his nose to like, figure out where the ball
- 10:59was. He still jumped in and out of
- 11:01the car on his own up until like maybe two or three months before
- 11:06he passed where like, I think he was just a little too old.
- 11:08And so I would help him up and down.
- 11:10I still walked him off leash wherever I went because he knows
- 11:14how sidewalks work. You know, like he's not, he
- 11:16wasn't a dumb dog. But what changed was that I
- 11:19talked to him constantly, you know, I'd be like, come here.
- 11:21No, not here. Oops, stop there.
- 11:23You know, I would like direct his life basically.
- 11:26And other than him bonking into walls like multiple times a day,
- 11:31nothing really changed. And even the bonking, I don't
- 11:33think it really bothered him. Like he was just like, oh, I
- 11:37just hit something. Let me, you know, let me change
- 11:40courses. It didn't upset him.
- 11:43And so I think what happens with people, humans, is they really
- 11:46like to anthropomorphize their dogs.
- 11:50They're like, oh, my God, my dog's so sad.
- 11:52My dog must be bored. My dog must be acting out.
- 11:54And like, for the most part, none of that is happening.
- 11:57Dogs don't operate that way. They live in the present moment.
- 12:00And as long as they're not, like, abused for the most part,
- 12:03as long as you take care of them, you know, you, like, meet
- 12:06their needs for play, obedience, exercise, food, rest, like all
- 12:12that stuff. Like, they're fine.
- 12:14They're fine. So Rodger was fine.
- 12:16Your blind dog is going to be fine.
- 12:18You don't have to baby them. I mean, to be fair, Roger was a
- 12:21very robust dog. Like I got him for $20.00 at the
- 12:25pound. He'd never really needed to go
- 12:28to the vet except for an annual check up if that.
- 12:31He, I never had his teeth cleaned.
- 12:33He never went under. He ate chocolate once and he was
- 12:37fine. We went to the vet, but like
- 12:38he's just been like a very robust dog.
- 12:40I think I'm a, you know, like owner, like dog or whatever.
- 12:43I think I'm quite robust as well.
- 12:45So enjoy your new blind dog. He's going to be fine.
- 12:49He's going to make friends. You just have to watch him more
- 12:52like you're his eyes now. You are the seeing eye human to
- 12:56your blind dog, which is pretty funny if you think about it.
- 12:59OK, so that's a little story about Roger the blind dog.
- 13:02How do I feel about Roger being dead?
- 13:05I love him so much. I loved him so much.
- 13:08We had such a beautiful life. There is like, I can't wish any
- 13:12more time with him because it was perfect just the way it was.
- 13:15He's not resting, he's not in pain.
- 13:17Our goodbye was beautiful. I told him everything I needed
- 13:20to tell him before he died. I am enjoying the new found
- 13:24freedom. Like I can be in Thailand and
- 13:26Korea for a month and I don't have to worry about him.
- 13:30I don't have to, you know, make sure that his whatever, that
- 13:34he's well taken care of while I'm gone.
- 13:36And so there's a lot of freedom that I am enjoying.
- 13:38Someone asked me if I would be getting another dog.
- 13:40The answer is no. The answer is fuck no.
- 13:44Not for a long time and not until I'm like probably have
- 13:48like a family. And we're like, you know, we're
- 13:50like settled and rooted. And I am not settled and rooted
- 13:53at this point. And that's OK.
- 13:56I'm finding a home within myself.
- 13:59So that's Roger's story. Bless his heart.
- 14:03Bless all of your pets, cats and dogs, reptiles, fishies.
- 14:08I had a really dumb moment last week where I asked someone are
- 14:12fish animals to me. I didn't think they were.
- 14:15I don't know why. And someone was like, yeah, for
- 14:18sure. And I go, I'm going to need a
- 14:20second opinion. And then someone else said,
- 14:22yeah, definitely they go, I'm in a third opinion.
- 14:24And then three people were like, yes, Sean, we're all animals,
- 14:28fish, reptiles, mammals, humans. And that was just just wanted to
- 14:34share a dumb moment with you. I want to play something for
- 14:38you. Hope you like it.
- 14:41So I listened to the podcast the other day and then later on in
- 14:45the evening when I was very stoned and in the shower, too
- 14:48stoned to get out of the shower to change it, YouTube started
- 14:51playing the same episode of your podcast again.
- 14:54So I just let it play. And this time I was able to
- 14:57listen to the podcast and think about why I enjoy it so much
- 15:01because I had already taken in the information earlier in the
- 15:04day. And the reason why I enjoy it so
- 15:07much is because of your energy. Whether you're talking about
- 15:10life being messy or extremely sexually graphic subject matter,
- 15:15it doesn't matter. You have a very, a very
- 15:18grounding energy. And the days that I start my day
- 15:21with listening to your podcast versus like a higher energy
- 15:24comedy interview podcast, I start my day softer.
- 15:29I'm gentler with myself. You know, I'm not like rushing
- 15:32to get out the door. I'm just like taking the time to
- 15:34take in the information and kind of be at ease instead of like
- 15:40starting my day with a, you know, kind of high octane
- 15:43conversation fuel. And it's and that's a testament
- 15:47to you. And I'm sure I'm not the only
- 15:48listener that feels that way or watcher on YouTube.
- 15:51And I think that's something to be really proud of.
- 15:52That's something that you are contributing to a lot of people
- 15:57and it's really lovely. So keep up the good work cutie.
- 16:01Really big, really, really big fan of podcast.
- 16:04Thanks, Cutie, really sweet to hear that message.
- 16:06Thanks. It does mean a lot, man.
- 16:09I just, I do struggle taking that stuff in sometimes.
- 16:12And lately I've been feeling OK about what I'm doing with my
- 16:17life. And I know that I'm impacting
- 16:19people in a really positive way and that through my grounded
- 16:27presence, which sometimes in my life feels very, very
- 16:30ungrounded. But somehow in this podcast
- 16:33comes across as as fairly grounded.
- 16:35I know that I'm impacting people and I'm sharing a way of being
- 16:39that is helpful, that is loving, that is rooted in presence and
- 16:43authenticity. And and that does feel good.
- 16:45And so thank you. Thank you for the reminder.
- 16:48I need to be reminded of that. And I love to hear from you all.
- 16:51I love to hear how my work impacts you.
- 16:54It does make a pretty big difference, hard to admit, but I
- 16:58want my work to both be impactful emotionally and also
- 17:03impactful financially. And right now it's one and not
- 17:07the other. And my hopes is that I can grow
- 17:09this podcast to a level where I have advertisers that are
- 17:14compensating my work fairly and effectively.
- 17:19And that is not the case currently because we need to get
- 17:22the numbers up. And there's really no good way
- 17:25of getting the numbers up other than two things.
- 17:27One, create a good podcast that is value driven, that people
- 17:32enjoy. That's on me #2 is grow the
- 17:36podcast to a level in which advertisers go, OK, now it makes
- 17:39sense for us to distribute ads on this podcast.
- 17:43And you're not used to having ads on this podcast.
- 17:46I know because it's 160 episodes of an ad free podcast.
- 17:49And I hope you enjoy that gift because at some point that is
- 17:51going to stop because I need ads to continue making this podcast
- 17:56so I can try to create the best podcast that I can.
- 18:00And then in the hopes that people like you share it with
- 18:05loved ones in their lives. So here's my little pitch to
- 18:08you. Please share this podcast.
- 18:10You're always welcome to leave a question or a comment at
- 18:14415-494-5995. You can also e-mail me at
- 18:18podcast@thelovedrive.com. So thank you all for your
- 18:22support. It really means the world to me.
- 18:25Thank you. Thank you.
- 18:26Thank you. Now a kind of interesting
- 18:31question from a therapist to a love coach.
- 18:37Hey, Sean, my name is Nick. Pronouns are he him from
- 18:41Phoenix, AZ and I'm a licensed therapist.
- 18:46And you know, as somebody else who is in the, you know, I, I, I
- 18:51would consider you in the mental health space.
- 18:53Just wanted to hear your thoughts on dating as somebody
- 18:57who has a, a mental health or you know, I know in your case
- 19:01specifically romantic relationships background and how
- 19:04that's shown up in your dating life.
- 19:06I, I know for me, I can sometimes experience this sense
- 19:12of like an expectation about how I'm supposed to show up, whether
- 19:16that's actually communicated or whether that's just imagine on
- 19:19my part. I've gotten feedback like, hey,
- 19:22you're not being yourself with me, Like you're being such a
- 19:25therapist, you know, just be real.
- 19:27And I found it can be kind of confusing sometimes.
- 19:30And, and so, yeah, just wanted to hear your thoughts on
- 19:34somebody else who can probably relate.
- 19:36Thanks. Hey, Nick, thanks for the
- 19:39question. Really sweet to hear from you.
- 19:41Great question. It's interesting because some
- 19:46people are going to have higher expectations about how I show up
- 19:52in a relationship, but the reality is that like I'm a love
- 19:54coach at work but not really in my personal life.
- 20:00Like sure, I'm curious about what's going on with my friends
- 20:03relationships and we will talk about that kind of stuff, but
- 20:06for the most part I'm just like a friend and that's kind of how
- 20:09I want to be in a relationship as well.
- 20:10I don't want to be a love coach, although interestingly enough,
- 20:14I've been dating somebody. Who I like asked a question in a
- 20:18very like coachy kind of way. I just said something like, huh,
- 20:21I wonder if there was a different way to say that.
- 20:24And she goes, oh, don't do that, don't don't like coach me.
- 20:27And I was like, oh, shit, that's challenging because that's how I
- 20:31normally talk now, right? Like I try to talk in a non
- 20:34judgmental way. And so her preference is that I
- 20:38don't do that. And so now I have to like,
- 20:40challenge myself to talk in a much more blunt way where I'm
- 20:44just like a little less careful and I'm a little bit more human.
- 20:48So that's an interesting sort of data point.
- 20:50I was also talking to my friend recently who's a therapist, and
- 20:54she said something a little, it was like a little direct, little
- 20:57blunt. And I was a little surprised.
- 20:59And they go, wow, that's not a very like therapist thing to
- 21:01say. And she was like, Sean, I'm not
- 21:03your therapist, I'm your friend. And so I think we need to like,
- 21:07we sort of do need to drop the therapist role or the healer or
- 21:12the helper sometimes, even though it's tricky because it's
- 21:16kind of for a lot of us healers or helpers, it's part of who we
- 21:20are. It's like kind of why we get
- 21:22into it in the first place. But is there a way for you to
- 21:25soften or for us to soften our helper role a little bit and
- 21:30just like show up a little bit more authentically messy and
- 21:34human? I think it's probably a good
- 21:37thing to do. We also really can't control the
- 21:41expectations that people show up with, right?
- 21:44And they're like, oh, I'm, I'm actually a little bit
- 21:45disappointed. You know, if people show up and
- 21:47they go, oh, I'm a little disappointed in how, you know,
- 21:50you're showing up in this relationship.
- 21:51You're it's just very unlike a therapist.
- 21:54You can go and that's OK because I'm not a therapist in this, in
- 21:57this instance, I'm just a human. I'm a person who's like
- 22:00struggling. And I think it's hard to show up
- 22:03like that. I think it requires some real
- 22:05vulnerability. Also, there are some people that
- 22:08will just see you for who you are.
- 22:09Like they're not going to show up with all of these loaded
- 22:12expectations of you to show up in any particular way.
- 22:16They're going to understand that like being a therapist is your
- 22:19job and you are much more than your training.
- 22:22That's all I really have to say about that is just like, don't
- 22:25worry about it too much. Interestingly enough, I've never
- 22:29dated a therapist. It's so funny.
- 22:33Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.
- 22:35I I have a lot of therapists, friends, but but I don't, I've
- 22:37never dated a therapist. I think that might be
- 22:38interesting. Actually.
- 22:39It's just a side note, little tangent.
- 22:41So enjoy yourself. Don't take it too seriously.
- 22:45You know, people are going to project onto you and as a
- 22:47therapist, you're probably going to be able to figure out when
- 22:49that's happening. Projection is like when people
- 22:51kind of put their stuff onto you and hopefully you, you know
- 22:55yourself enough to be like, oh, that's actually not mine, that's
- 22:59yours, right? And that being said, you
- 23:02probably have like extra tools in your tool belt that your
- 23:05events that you are at times going to employ and that's OK.
- 23:11So glad you're here, Nick, thanks for the question.
- 23:15OK, I'm going to attempt to answer this question.
- 23:19Hey, Sean, it's Jacob's phoning from Toronto.
- 23:24Hope you're doing well. I'm excited to listen to your
- 23:28podcast again. I have one question actually.
- 23:32So my boyfriend and I, we broke up in August of last year.
- 23:38And after the breakup, I struggled with whether it was
- 23:41fair to expect my close friends to unfollow my ex on social
- 23:47media or even really have any contact with him, especially
- 23:52since they only really knew him through me, that they didn't
- 23:55really have relationships with him outside of me.
- 23:59I was feeling kind of insecure about, you know, whether they
- 24:02would want to continue that relationship with him even
- 24:05though we broke up. And it was not a very nice one
- 24:08either. But yeah, I did not really feel
- 24:10comfortable asking my friends directly to make, you know, cut
- 24:15ties with him or unfollow him on social media.
- 24:19But at the same time, I just feel a bit hurt when most of
- 24:23them did not actually do it on their own, but also not really.
- 24:29I don't know if that was really fair for me to feel that either.
- 24:33So I guess like my question is, what boundaries can we leave and
- 24:36be expect some friends after we break up with our with our
- 24:41partners? Yeah, Hope that makes sense and
- 24:43hope to hear the answer soon and looking forward to podcast.
- 24:47Thanks. Bye.
- 24:48Jacob, thank you so much for your question.
- 24:52Yeah, there's a lot in here. The first thing that kind of
- 24:55strikes me is this idea of whether it's even fair for you
- 24:59to feel hurt. And I get questions, a lot of
- 25:03people saying, well, this person did this, how should I feel
- 25:06about it? And what I'm more interested in
- 25:09you exploring is like, how do you actually feel about it?
- 25:13It's totally valid for you to feel hurt and feel disrespected
- 25:18and feel sad that your friends didn't automatically unfollow
- 25:22your ex-boyfriend. And that is just separate from
- 25:26what are appropriate expectations that you have of
- 25:30your friends. So can you separate those two?
- 25:31Can you just feel sad that your friends didn't automatically
- 25:35take your side or support you in the way that you feel like you
- 25:39needed to be supported? Right, So it's OK for you to
- 25:42feel hurt even if you didn't ask them directly?
- 25:45It seems to me like the hurt comes from you wanting to feel
- 25:49considered and prioritized by your friends after a painful
- 25:51breakup, and that makes all the sense of the world.
- 25:55That being said, I don't think you can reasonably expect
- 25:57friends to cut ties automatically without asking
- 26:01them, even if you know they weren't friends with your ex
- 26:05before you guys were together, right?
- 26:08And that being said, the fact that none of them did it
- 26:11unprompted still stings. And that's, that's fair, right?
- 26:14I also think there's probably some element of like in gay
- 26:18social circles. Like the friend groups kind of
- 26:21overlap even more than they do in heterosexual ones, I can
- 26:24imagine. And so it does make things a
- 26:27little bit trickier. So all that being said, like you
- 26:30can 100% ask or you could have asked, I don't know if you even
- 26:34still want to at this point, your friends to unfollow them
- 26:38and they are allowed to say no. And both of those things are OK.
- 26:41And when they say no, you can then feel hurt or disappointed.
- 26:46And you could even have a conversation about, oh, what are
- 26:50you getting out of this friendship, right?
- 26:52And you can even have a little bit more understanding about how
- 26:55they feel about your ex-boyfriend.
- 26:57I can also imagine that some of your friends will be happy to
- 27:00unfollow and unfriend, and others might feel a little less
- 27:04comfortable doing that. All that being said, trying to
- 27:09manage your pain by controlling other people's behaviors is a
- 27:14losing game. Right like that.
- 27:16That's why we asked for these things.
- 27:18And I'm not saying don't ask for your needs to be met, but I
- 27:20think for the most part, sometimes we ask for things from
- 27:25people, modifications to their behaviors because we don't want
- 27:29to feel whatever we would feel if they did that thing that we
- 27:33don't want them to do. Probably easier for you to adopt
- 27:37A live and let live attitude around some things that we want
- 27:43to control. And it's, it's a, it's tricky
- 27:46because there are some ways in which you will want to ask for
- 27:50your needs to be met. And there are ways in which
- 27:51maybe we just sort of let go and wear life like a loose fitting
- 27:55sweater is what my, a, a sponsor used to say.
- 27:58As in, can I just not control things as much and sort of feel
- 28:02what needs to be felt as things develop or as things come up?
- 28:07And then something for you to ask yourself is like, what does
- 28:10their response right? They're they're not unfollowing
- 28:13your ex. What does their response tell
- 28:15you about how supported you feel in these friendships?
- 28:19And are there ways in which they can support you through this
- 28:24breakup and while holding all of your emotions without asking
- 28:28them to unfollow your ex? And you can also just say like,
- 28:33hey, I would really, it would really mean a lot to me if you
- 28:35guys unfollowed him or weren't as friendly to him as you were
- 28:40when we were together. And here are the reasons.
- 28:43So I hope that helps. Good luck, Take care of your
- 28:47heart. All right, today's a short one
- 28:49because I'm in Thailand and I'm looking at the beach and it's
- 28:52time for me to go swimming next week.
- 28:55Really, really, really, really, really, really, really really
- 28:58special episode with my friend Laura Griffiths.
- 29:02Laura is a somatic therapist. She's a sex in relationship
- 29:06coach and she is one of one of she's a really close friend that
- 29:12I've gotten really close to in this last year that live in
- 29:15Montreal. And we have a deeply personal
- 29:19conversation that begins with how we met and then spirals into
- 29:22something much more rich. We talk about why and how
- 29:28powerful embodied women can be intimidating to men, including
- 29:31myself. The cost of wearing a mask, of
- 29:34charm and performance, what it really means to be seen.
- 29:39We also dive into a little bit of my emotional rock bottom last
- 29:42fall, my father's death, The Peter Pan archetype, the
- 29:46manosphere, the surprising relationship between grief and
- 29:50Eroticism. And Laura Griffith is Griffiths
- 29:55with an S is just a really lovely, deep, richly loving
- 30:01present woman. She's incredible, incredible,
- 30:04incredible. And I'm really, really, really,
- 30:06really excited to bring you this conversation.
- 30:08So that's next week and then June 5th, 6th and 7th.
- 30:11If you want to experience magic in your life, come to Love Camp.
- 30:15Love Camp is a three day retreat that I am hosting with another
- 30:19one of my besties, Kristen Poole, who I've known for over a
- 30:22decade now. We have done this retreat 6 or 7
- 30:25times. It is playful, it is connected.
- 30:28It is loving. It is an opportunity for you to
- 30:30get to know yourself and to connect with other loving
- 30:32people. It's great for solo people.
- 30:35It's great for couples. It's not a singles retreat.
- 30:37It's not a couples retreat. It's an adult summer camp on
- 30:41love at Kripalu in Western Massachusetts.
- 30:44Get yourself out there. You can fly into Boston.
- 30:48You can, you know, is it the most convenient place in the
- 30:51world? No Will I have more convenient
- 30:54locations for future retreats? I don't know.
- 30:56This is the the next upcoming retreat.
- 30:58There are no future retreats planned after that, except for
- 31:01maybe Valentine's Day 2027 in California.
- 31:05But if you're looking for an opportunity to do something a
- 31:08little different, if you're looking to step outside of your
- 31:11comfort zone lightly, then consider whether Love Camp is
- 31:15right for you. Leave a comment, subscribe to
- 31:17the podcast, leave me a question.
- 31:20Thank you so much for your time and your attention and your
- 31:23presence and have a beautiful week.