Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep26: White Side Adventures/ Funniest Stories 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep26: White Side Adventures/ Funniest Stories 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If I would have knew all y'all white people was gonna be here, I would have worn my interview clothes.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't be out here like this.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I know how to act.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: At my job, I'm the only black person that worked there.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I work for a hyperbarics doctor.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody even knows what that is.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I act so white at work.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: So convincingly white.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, you should see me.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: In the morning, I know all the greetings.
• 0:28
  unknown: Good morning.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't do all three of them, you ain't said shit.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I go get my coffee from Starbucks.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A pumpkin latte with foam, cinnamon sprinkle.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Brad wrote my name on the side.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I have my pinky in the air.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then I go into the break room and do some white shit, like cut a donut in half.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what that is.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all do it.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: When I get back to my office, I got four halves of donuts.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because I wanted two donuts, okay?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what that is.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so engrossed in the white culture.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I've stopped using spices.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: All I use is cheese.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so convincingly white at work that for Christmas they bought me a Stanley cup.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I know I'm acclimated now.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know I've been inducted.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: But then I did some black shit.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: I wrote my name on the side of the cup.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Shut up.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I live in a black neighborhood in Atlanta.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm from Atlanta, if y'all didn't hear this accent.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And um it's being gentrified now.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And y'all know what gentrification is.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's when white people and gays moving to your neighborhood.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: They get two potted plants, three wind chimes, they take the fuck over.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what wind chimes do, but they're essential.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't know.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: But they don't realize that it's still hood over there.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like it is hood over there.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I live off of Bankhead.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: They talk about it in rap songs, like Bankhead is hard.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And what they do in Atlanta, they'll change the name of the street to a black activist that don't know black people know.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Our street name is now Donald Lee Hollowell.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Who the fuck is that?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: They change the name of the street, but they don't get rid of the element.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's still crackheads out there.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's just prostitutes out there.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: They just changed the name of the street like the prostitute gonna forget where she was working.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna come outside.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: My street gone.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I can't work today.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: That is absolutely not what happens.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Still black over there.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: The kids even play little black games.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, listen, I didn't know what was going on, but I seen a little girl and she was chasing this little boy.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: She grabbed him, she put his hands behind his back.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: She said, You're going to jail.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought it was cute.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: They're playing cops and robbers.
• 3:23
  unknown: Okay.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I said, hey, little girl, what did he do?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: She said, he lies to suspend it.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I said, hell no.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Already.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: But white people don't care.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all just come in like a flood.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all just get in and y'all don't care.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all just, y'all there.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew it was serious one day when I seen a white woman jogging down banking.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't understand it.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: It looked like a shampoo commercial.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And she was jogging.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: She had the messy bun.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: She had on the uh jogging suit like Olivia from Scandal with the thumbs out.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: She was jogging away.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I rolled up beside her and I rolled my window down and I said, bitch, run.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Jogging ain't fast enough.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: You better get your ass out of here before they kill you.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Then I rolled my window back up because it's not safe.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm over the HOA in my neighborhood.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Can't let no white people down my watch.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: They'll blame me.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not understanding what's going on now.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm seeing a lot of white homeless people.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all, we need to have a meeting, white people.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lot of white homeless people, but they don't be homeless by themselves.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: They always got a dog.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Why the fuck?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: You homeless with this dog.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: This dog didn't want this shit.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: This dog was at the shelter, living his best life, eating every day.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now he's out here on the hard streets of Atlanta in this hot ass sun with you all day.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't give white homeless people money.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm not racist.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't give white homeless people money.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because if Sebastian just apologized to his father, he can go back home.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: He don't need my damn money.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: He got a trust fund.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: This dollar ain't shit to him.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: You hear me?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not giving him my money.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Not at all.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I want y'all to know I'm not a racist.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give black homeless people money.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give black homeless people money because they always sound like they go to school to be homeless.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like they have they learn a talk off of something.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's all the same talk-off.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all know it.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, a brother down on his look.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you can help me out with a dollar change or anything, God bless.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all know it.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all know it.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's the talk-off.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Same thing every time.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's a guy, he had my one that he's doing talk-off.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: He said, you know, he down his luck.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: He ain't ate nothing all day.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And he got a cup to retrieve his money.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I turn and look at the cup and see that the cup came from Burger King.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: I say, Yo ass done ate.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: That cup came with a combo meal.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: You better get your ass out of here.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: But the worst time is when you get trapped with the homeless person.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And this is trap.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: You're at the red light.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: They right there in your peripheral.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: They right there, you can see them.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: They holding a little sign with all they might.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: The sign say, please give if you can't.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's why nobody ain't giving you shit.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: But when I get to the light, I'm ready.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I pull up to the light, turn my music all the way up.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm in my car dancing.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then I pass it to him.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I can't give him shit, so I ask for it back.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're welcome, ma'am.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I see we're on the same page.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm living my best life.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm almost white.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling y'all.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I did the whitest thing ever.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Most white people haven't done this.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's the whitest shit ever.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I went to the Kentucky Derby.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing's whiter than that.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God, I was killing it.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I was on it.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I had on a canary yellow dress with a canary yellow hat with the feathers out.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I was killing them.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Then I was speaking out southern.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Then I was drinking mint juleps till I was white girl wasted.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was drunk as fuck.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm out here fussing because I lost my life savings betting on this raggedy ass horse.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: $20 down the drain.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: You hear me?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Gone.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Whole$20.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: So now me and this older white lady, we're engrossed in conversation.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking, and then she turns and looks at me.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, Can I give you a hug?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I said, yeah, because I like hugs.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: But when this white lady hugged me, I've never been hugged like this before.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I come from a two-parent home and neither one of their asses hugged me like this.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: This woman hug was everything.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: It was absolutely an apology for slavery.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it was everything.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: She she took me in her bosom.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: She rocked me back and forth real gentile.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I leaned down by her ear and said, I forgive you.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna let that racial tension go, ma'am.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's over.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: I said it.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's done.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I'm in Atlanta.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually from South Carolina.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm from Spartanburg, South Carolina.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And my hometown is about this big.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And since I slept with everybody down there, I had to relocate to Atlanta, Georgia to turn my life over to Christ.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all, I'm sweet baby Kita, and I'm out of