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Narcissists love people pleasers · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people Today we're talking about
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  the person that narcissists seem to attract the most people.
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  Blazers. I know nobody.
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  Look, that body hit some of y'all right there did it.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I am a clinically diagnosed narcissist and welcome to
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  another episode of the Narcissist Code.
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  So welcome back folks, welcome back, welcome back, welcome
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  back. Yes people pleasers y'all?
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  So y'all if y'all don't know, I read a lot of books right?
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  To help improve my own, like my mental health, help increase my
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  knowledge base and whatnot. I actually wrote a book too.
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  Remember, it's not your fault. It's a kids book that's
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  available on Amazon. It's a conversation starter for
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  your kids, your young kids, 10 and under to talk about toxic
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  relationships, narcissistic family systems, telling the
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  truth, being honest, loving yourself and things like that.
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  Scott, remember, it's not your fault.
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  It is on Amazon. Link is in the bio in the
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  description everywhere. But yes, also I'm reading a book
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  myself, reading a book by Jackson McKenzie called I came
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  thinking the name of the book. My mind just literally went
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  blank just now. Y'all, I can't be whole again by
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  Jackson McKenzie. This is what it looks like on on
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  audible whole again. He was talking about how
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  narcissist the relationship between narcissists and people
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  pleasers. And I was like, Dang, you know
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  what, that makes a lot of Dang on sense because narcissistic
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  people, although you can't like you can't tell somebody the
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  people pleasers like by their by looking at them, right?
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  You have to get to know them a little bit.
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  You can't just like I can tell about those, those those dancing
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  clogs you got on, but you're a people pleaser.
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  Like, you know, tap dancing shoes.
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  You're a people pleaser, right? You dance to the side, you dance
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  to the beating somebody else's drum.
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  I can tell. No, it does.
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  It doesn't work that way, y'all? They have to get to know you a
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  little bit. And narcissistic people tend to
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  kind of, for lack of a better word, look up and find people
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  pleasing because that's the type of person that narciss that ends
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  up with a narcissist a lot y'all.
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  And people pleasing can be a reaction from your childhood,
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  right? You just trying to like this.
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  It's a survival mechanism, right?
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  If you've been described as a people pleaser or you are a
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  self-proclaimed people pleaser or a codependent person, right,
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  you've been, you know, I mean, it might be the survival
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  mechanism that you might have had to learn how to be a people
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  pleaser to your parents in order to survive, right?
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  You might like, in order to not get chastised or abused or
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  whatever, you might have had to learn how to survive by people
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  pleasing by just doing things that other people want, right?
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  That's, that happens quite a bit.
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  So I would say this like, if you're a people pleaser, you
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  might end up with a narcissist and narcissist and narcissists
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  absolutely love people pleases y'all?
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  Because narcissistic people are all about validation, getting
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  validation from other people. That's why it's typically
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  referred to as narcissistic supply.
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  It's how a lot of narcissists survive, right?
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  It's how a lot of us, you know, get up in the morning and keep,
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  keep it moving and things of that nature, right?
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  That's how a lot of narcissists just make, make, make do, for
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  lack of a better word. That's how narcissists make do.
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  And that happens quite a bit. So people pleasers like I guess
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  you get from what Jackson McKenzie was saying, people
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  pleasers kind of get their feel from making other people happy,
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  from validating other people. So it's like the a match made
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  and a match made and narcissistic relationship haven
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  or hell, whatever you want to call it.
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  I want to say heaven, but that's the way it goes is like if you
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  are here, you get validation from pleasing other people and
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  narcissists get validation from other people pleasing them.
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  You see how that can be an extremely, you know, it can
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  start off good. It starts off as a, you know,
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  the high, it starts off as a high, super high narcissist.
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  Like I love it. Like you're pleasing me.
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  I'm getting the validation because I'm getting that
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  validation from you. I'm giving it back to you.
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  Like you're making me feel good about myself, that I need to
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  make you feel good about yourself, right?
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  Like you're making me feel so wonderful, so internally good
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  about myself that I have to reciprocate.
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  I have to make you feel good about yourself, right?
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  We're, we're balancing each other out.
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  So we're doing this, I'm doing it, I'm doing this like I'm
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  trying to make you feel good because I feel good, right?
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  But it runs out when, when that narcissistic person, like when
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  they fall out of love with you, right?
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  When they, when they, when that, that I call it a light switch,
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  when that light switch goes off and they stop loving you and
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  stop giving you the validation that you're pleasing them.
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  It it can change you if you're a people pleaser, it can change
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  you because now you pleasing them, you validating them
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  doesn't work. The narcissist doesn't get the
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  same amount of narcissistic supply or the same type of
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  narcissistic supply that they originally got from you.
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  So now they're like, so now they're treating you differently
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  and now you as a people pleaser. You might be trying different
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  things to make them happy. You go above and beyond to try
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  to make them happy and a narcissistic person, they thrive
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  on you going above and beyond. But when you are dealing with a
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  narcissist, and this is speaking for a lot of narcissists, not
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  every single narcissist, but when you deal with a narcissist,
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  no matter what you do, y'all to try to please that person, it
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  just won't be enough, right? It just it just really won't be
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  enough in that type of situation right there.
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  Like narcissistic people tend to do things like that.
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  They tend to like thrive when people are when people are going
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  above people are going above and beyond to deal with them.
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  They tend to thrive on that. Y'all, they love it.
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  They absolutely love it. So that's why I'm just telling
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  you like, if you're a people pleaser, you got to, you got to
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  roll it in. That's why I tell people if you
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  feel like you're a people pleaser and you're in a touchy
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  relationship, it's hard. Like the harder you try to make
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  that person happy, the more you will lose yourself.
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  The more you lose yourself and the crazy about it is, the
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  harder you try to make a narcissist happy, the more you
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  will lose yourself, right? And the more you lose yourself,
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  the more you start to act differently, the less they care
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  about you. So it's a vicious cycle.
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  The harder you try, the further you push away from you get
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  pushed away from them. Can you make them happy and
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  validate them in spurts? Yes you can.
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  Even after the love bombing phase ends, you can make them
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  happy and validate them in spurts, but it still will go
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  back to them withdrawing the love from you.
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  It still will go back to that right there because they won't
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  look. They don't look at you the same
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  anymore. Even when I tell people that,
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  when I tell people that it does hurt their feelings, it really
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  does. And it's understandable that it
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  does. And that's why I tell people
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  it's like this is going to be hard to hurt yourself when you
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  hear me say this type of stuff. But like the harder you try, the
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  further you push them away. And I know it sounds, it sounds
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  backwards, like believe that doesn't make any sense.
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  Like the harder we try, the further they get away.
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  Yes, because you're trying so hard that they just like they
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  feel like that now, they don't recognize you even more, even
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  from the beginning, like you trying so hard, you doing
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  whatever it takes, and it's just not enough.
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  And that can drive you crazy. That can make you feel, yeah,
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  I'm just telling you, I've seen this happen in real life.
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  Like that can drive you crazy when you're trying hard as hell
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  to get somebody to love you, to get somebody to validate you, to
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  get somebody to just say, hey, look, I see.
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  I see all the hard work you're doing and it's super
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  appreciated. I appreciate every single thing
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  you're doing for me. I appreciate the love that
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  you're showing to me. I appreciate appreciate the
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  effort you're putting into this relationship.
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  I appreciate every single bit of you.
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  You want that. They're not going to give it to
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  you. And this is not be trying to say
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  leaders, leaders wants everybody to throw their relationship
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  away. Look, I'm not telling you to
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  throw your relationship away. I'm just telling you this.
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  As good as it's going to get, it's already got.
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  It's already gotten as good as it's going to get because it
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  doesn't, it typically doesn't get better in a relationship
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  with a narcissist because like it, it just does.
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  It just doesn't go back to the beginning.
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  It never will go back to the same it used to be.
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  So if you can accept how things are now because they like it
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  does, it doesn't go back to the same because they don't go get
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  the help that they need. They don't go get the help.
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  They don't work on themselves. They don't like go above and
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  like and they just, they just flounder.
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  And I know when I tell people that narcissist, if they don't
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  go get help, this, this is how they'll be.
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  It makes some people sad. It makes some people, some
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  people pleasers want to try harder.
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  It's like, I just need to try a little bit harder.
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  All right, look, it's your life. You get one of them to live.
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  By all means, if you want to try as hard as you can to please
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  this person that's damn near unpleasable, By all means,
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  you're going to wake up one day, four years, one year down the
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  road, two, 5-10 years down the road 2025 and realize you're
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  like, damn, I don't get this person 25 years in my life and
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  they don't even appreciate nothing I've done for them.
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  They don't even acknowledge it anymore.
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  They just because this is the thing about narcissists, they
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  feel like at first, the stuff that you do, they super
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  appreciate it. They're grateful for it, they
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  love it. They get the narcissistic
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  supply. But after a while, when the love
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  bombing phase ends, they just look at it as stuff that you're
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  supposed to do. It's no longer a special, it's
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  no longer a different, it's no longer the narcissistic supply.
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  That was just like, you know, just regular fuel.
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  It's just like you're supposed you're, you're my husband,
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  you're supposed to congratulate me.
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  You're my wife. You're supposed to say this to
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  me. You're my mom, you're my dad,
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  you're my, my sibling, whoever it is, you're supposed to say
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  this stuff to me. You're supposed to do this stuff
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  to me. That's where you that's where
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  you get the entitled narcissist that comes into play right here,
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  right? You get the narcissist that's
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  extremely entitled and how they do and how they act and how they
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  behave and the and the stuff that they're going to keep doing
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  and are you can, can you handle that?
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  Can you deal with that? Hey, I'm not saying that you
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  can't, but I'm just telling you in the mind of a narcissist,
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  this is the type of stuff that you're going to be dealing with.
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  This is the type of stuff you're going to be putting up with for
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  the rest of your existence. As long as this relationship is
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  continue to move forward. Again, this is not me just
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  trying to say, get away, get away.
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  This is me trying to say like, if you don't work on your people
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  pleasing and just just beat it, go to therapy or read some books
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  and turn down that knob a little bit, you're going to just, I'm
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  just, I'm just telling you, I've seen so many people, I've seen
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  it hurt in people's faces. I've hugged people that have
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  been in some of my workshops in the past that have been crying.
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  Just feel like they wasted so much time.
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  But now they've they've gotten out of it.
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  They're free now. I'm not telling you to leave.
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  I'm telling you to get free, whatever free looks like to you,
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  because sometimes freedom can be just emotional freedom.
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  You feel like you don't have to try to please this person.
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  If you're not going to appreciate what I do for you,
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  I'm just not going to do it anymore.
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  If you're not going to appreciate me going above and
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  beyond, making you breakfast, dinner, we both working, right?
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  We both work. We both take care of the kids.
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  I mean, we're both working. It's a 5050 household, right?
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  But you don't appreciate me making you breakfast, dinner,
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  lunch, getting you all the stuff ready, going above and beyond,
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  getting up early in the morning, doing all this other stuff.
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  Stop doing it. Hey, I noticed you haven't
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  making me breakfast in the last few mornings.
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  Is something going on? What's wrong with you?
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  What the hell is going on with you?
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  Does this sound like the type of person that appreciates what you
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  do for him? It doesn't sound like it to me.
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  But anyway, y'all, thank you all for tuning into another episode.
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  Y'all know? As always, I truly appreciate
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  every single one of y'all. Subscribe to the channel, check
• 11:32
  out the kids book, remember it's not your fault.
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  And as always y'all, that's what it messes up.
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  Peace. Thank you so much for making it
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  to the end of my video. I am extremely grateful for you.
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  Have no idea. If you haven't already, make
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  sure you go ahead and subscribe to the channel helps reach more
• 11:46
  people and click on the screen to watch another video or to
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  browse through another playlist. There's also a link on the
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  screen to check out my courses and my support groups to help
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  you heal and understand what you've been through.
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  Thank you so much again. I will see you in the next
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  video. Peace.