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What Gets You Up In The Morning with Jason Reid · The Trauma Therapist

0:00
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Trauma Therapist podcast. My name is Gamiferson.
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Speaker 1: I interview incredible people who've dedicated their lives to helping
0:07
Speaker 1: those who've been impacted by trauma. A big thank you
0:11
Speaker 1: to our sponsors and our guests for supporting this shell
0:14
Speaker 1: free two in one our folks spoke back to the podcast.
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Speaker 1: I'm very excited to have back. Jason Reed. Jason welcome,
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Speaker 1: Thank you guys, Good to see you again. Awesome. Jason
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Speaker 1: is the founder of Tellmystory dot org, a nonprofit he
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Speaker 1: launched after the suicide of his fourteen year old son
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Speaker 1: in twenty eighteen. The foundation is dedicated to educating and
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Speaker 1: empowering parents with practical, up to date resources to better
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Speaker 1: recognized and support their children's mental health struggles. Through its
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Speaker 1: sister organization, Mental Wellness Media, Jason produces documentary films and
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Speaker 1: educational programs that spark honest conversations between parents and kids
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Speaker 1: and encourage families to share their stories. He's spoken openly
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Speaker 1: about his experience and two ted X to and through
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Speaker 1: the documentaries Tell My Story and What I Wish My
1:03
Speaker 1: Parents Knew. All right, Jason, obviously, just a little bit
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Speaker 1: about you before we get going share with all listeners
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Speaker 1: where you're from originally and where you are currently.
1:13
Speaker 2: So I grew up in Canada, in Toronto, Montreal, and
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Speaker 2: I arrived down here in California on my twenty second birthday,
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Speaker 2: which was gosh, fifty six years ago and thirty six
1:24
Speaker 2: street ago. Sorry, I was fifty Yeah, thirty six years ago.
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Speaker 2: I'm fifty eight now. So yeah, so I've been in California.
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Speaker 2: I live in to Mechila, California, and I lived my
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Speaker 2: wife thirty three years and my son, who's twenty nine now,
1:41
Speaker 2: lives right around the corner with his daughter and my
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Speaker 2: daughter in law and my daughter and another granddaughter and
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Speaker 2: granddaughter and another granddaughter to be. My daughter lives on
1:50
Speaker 2: the property with her husband and which is great. And
1:54
Speaker 2: my son Kyle lives up in Portland. And of course
1:56
Speaker 2: Ryan passed away almost eight years ago.
2:00
Speaker 1: All right, for our listeners who haven't heard your first episode,
2:06
Speaker 1: and that's episode seven hundred and ninety three, they can
2:10
Speaker 1: access that give us give our listeners kind of a
2:13
Speaker 1: brief overview of how all this started, and then we're
2:15
Speaker 1: going to talk about your film.
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Speaker 3: Right.
2:18
Speaker 2: So, it was March twenty eighteen when my wife and
2:22
Speaker 2: I were away celebrating your birthday, and that night we
2:26
Speaker 2: got a text message from our son Ryan saying goodbye,
2:31
Speaker 2: and he took his life that night while we were
2:33
Speaker 2: in Mexico because he knew.
2:37
Speaker 3: There's nothing I could do to stop him because I
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Speaker 3: wasn't there.
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Speaker 2: And when that happened, you know, we got back as
2:46
Speaker 2: soon as we can, because you know, the unfortunate thing
2:49
Speaker 2: about being in Mexico of Portaviro at eleven o'clock at night.
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Speaker 2: No matter how much money you have and how many
2:55
Speaker 2: friends you have, you're not getting out of that country
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Speaker 2: at eleven o'clock at night and get to go home
3:00
Speaker 2: till the next day. Ryan was in the hospital for
3:04
Speaker 2: about five days before we took them off life support,
3:07
Speaker 2: and grateful, I guess as it could be that we
3:15
Speaker 2: have those last five days together, even though he probably.
3:19
Speaker 3: Moved on from that point.
3:20
Speaker 2: But so after that happened, I decided, you know, you
3:25
Speaker 2: can There's a couple of things you can do. I
3:26
Speaker 2: guess you can crawl into a bottle, you can well, you.
3:30
Speaker 3: Know how you know all the things you can do,
3:31
Speaker 3: that's what you deal with every day.
3:34
Speaker 2: And you can stop talking to people. You can you
3:38
Speaker 2: can do a whole bunch of different things. Your full
3:39
Speaker 2: family can fall apart, you can get divorced. Eighty five
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Speaker 2: percent of people can get divorced. In that situation, Families
3:45
Speaker 2: fall apart, and people's lives kind of stop. And my
3:50
Speaker 2: wife and I made a conscious decision to make sure
3:52
Speaker 2: we stay together and stay together for ourselves, for the kids,
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Speaker 2: and do our best to have the life we could have.
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Speaker 2: She's very private, so she doesn't talk about openly what
4:03
Speaker 2: happened with Ryan as I do. But I decided to
4:08
Speaker 2: go out and help parents understand what happened to Ryan
4:11
Speaker 2: because I didn't see it coming. I didn't know the science,
4:13
Speaker 2: didn't think it was something I had to even deal with. Ever,
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Speaker 2: Ryan didn't show the signs of having any issues besides
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Speaker 2: being a little quiet and a grumpy teenager, which is
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Speaker 2: all I thought he was.
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Speaker 1: But't isn't that so many teenagers are quiet and grumpy?
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Speaker 3: Right? Yeah?
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Speaker 1: I mean this is not this is I mean, you
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Speaker 1: tell me, correct me if I'm wrong. This is people
4:37
Speaker 1: aren't walking around with a sign on their back.
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Speaker 3: They're not. And that's the challenge, right is that?
4:42
Speaker 1: Yeah?
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Speaker 2: I think it's the kid who's quiet and grumpy and
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Speaker 2: sad and talks about it. That's actually not the kid
4:50
Speaker 2: who's generally going to be the problem, because they're at
4:52
Speaker 2: least talking about how they feel. It's the cheerleader, it's
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Speaker 2: the quarterback, it's the class clown like Ryan was. It's Ryan,
5:01
Speaker 2: it's you know, Robin Williams, who you don't see it
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Speaker 2: coming because you don't know.
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Speaker 3: Then that's how they really feel.
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Speaker 2: It's the kid who has everything going for them or
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Speaker 2: her but doesn't see it that way in their minds.
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Speaker 2: They don't have any friends in their mind. Everybody picks
5:17
Speaker 2: on them in their mind they have They're not beautiful,
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Speaker 2: they're not handsome, they're nothing, and they don't see themselves the.
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Speaker 3: Way everybody else sees themselves or sees them. And that
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Speaker 3: was the case with Ryan.
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Speaker 1: As we kind of get into this conversation, first of all,
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Speaker 1: thank you again for being here and and sharing your story.
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Speaker 1: I just want to be respectful if I'm if I
5:42
Speaker 1: ask you a question you don't want answer, Okay, I
5:46
Speaker 1: just want to I just want to be respectful of
5:50
Speaker 1: you and and your son. You said, you know, when
5:58
Speaker 1: things like this happen, people can do many things. Yeah,
6:04
Speaker 1: and I don't know. I don't know if anyone could
6:08
Speaker 1: blame anyone for doing anything. What did you do?
6:15
Speaker 3: I went back to work. I went back to work
6:19
Speaker 3: right away because.
6:23
Speaker 2: I probably worked even more, to be honest, because the
6:30
Speaker 2: time where I wasn't busy.
6:33
Speaker 3: What's the worst. So I dove into my business. I
6:38
Speaker 3: started more businesses, I started more. I was busy, busy still.
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Speaker 2: Am and and I spent more time with my family.
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Speaker 3: And I decided I'm going to make a difference. So
6:49
Speaker 3: I did you know.
6:50
Speaker 2: I did two ten X talks, I did a gold cast.
6:52
Speaker 2: We did the movie tell My Story, which you can
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Speaker 2: see up on Amazon Prime. You see all the stuff
6:56
Speaker 2: on tellmystory dot org. And then we did another movie
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Speaker 2: called What I Wish My Parents to try and help
7:01
Speaker 2: parents understand what their kids were thinking.
7:04
Speaker 3: We put that into schools. We just finished another movie called.
7:07
Speaker 2: Shift, where we talk about the importance of having hobbies
7:11
Speaker 2: and interests and passions outside of just your normal day
7:14
Speaker 2: to day and that resonates for parents and kids. And
7:18
Speaker 2: we put these movies into schools as programs to help
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Speaker 2: people understand the mental health better. And we really focus
7:25
Speaker 2: in on helping parents understand how to communicate with their
7:28
Speaker 2: kids and talk about their mental health. We've got a
7:31
Speaker 2: card deck game here which it gets a lot of
7:33
Speaker 2: play where you can sit down and it's a wonderful
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Speaker 2: game where you sit down with your kids and you go, Okay,
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Speaker 2: there's a card that says, you know, for example, what
7:41
Speaker 2: are you most proud of that I don't know about?
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Speaker 1: Well, what a great question that is.
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Speaker 3: So you know, we've done a lot. We've done.
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Speaker 2: You know, two albums we did with BMG Music called
7:59
Speaker 2: Songs for the Dry at Home and take a Long
8:02
Speaker 2: Way Back. What's your songs that you can listen to
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Speaker 2: in your car with your kids. They had mental health songs.
8:07
Speaker 2: So you'll be driving along with your kids, put the
8:09
Speaker 2: song on and they might spark a conversation about their
8:12
Speaker 2: mental health because you just never know.
8:15
Speaker 3: M hm, you never know?
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Speaker 1: Is I mean obviously every case is different. But is
8:23
Speaker 1: this a about lack of communication? How do that?
8:34
Speaker 3: How do we get here?
8:35
Speaker 1: But how do we? Yeah?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, well I am not a therapist, I'm not a doctor,
8:40
Speaker 2: but I have some definite opinions on and excuse me.
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Speaker 3: Okay, when I did a tax talk called the Hot
8:51
Speaker 3: Lava Talk, the Lava Talk, and.
8:54
Speaker 2: You can google that and it's it's basically compares life
8:59
Speaker 2: when I grew up to life when Ryan grew up.
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Speaker 2: And this is where I think things have gone off
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Speaker 2: the rails. Like I'm fifty eight and we didn't talk
9:08
Speaker 2: about mental health and I didn't know of anybody who
9:10
Speaker 2: ever died of suicide, and it wasn't really a thing, right.
9:14
Speaker 2: But if you go fast forward to where we are today,
9:16
Speaker 2: let's leave the suicide alone, because that's, you know, that's
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Speaker 2: a tough subject for people to talk about and hopefully
9:23
Speaker 2: it never happens to you and you're not touched by it.
9:25
Speaker 2: But what you're probably more than likely going to have
9:27
Speaker 2: some experience within your life is depression. Because forty percent
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Speaker 2: of kids and adults suffer from depression at one point
9:34
Speaker 2: in another in a period of year. So that's a
9:37
Speaker 2: good chance that's going to touch you or your family, right,
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Speaker 2: And that's not a great way to live, and we
9:43
Speaker 2: need to help those people before it actually goes into
9:46
Speaker 2: a worse spot. So, but let's talk about how we
9:49
Speaker 2: got here, because that wasn't the way when I grew up.
9:51
Speaker 2: That wasn't the thing, right, And I don't think it
9:54
Speaker 2: was because we just didn't talk about it. It just wasn't
9:56
Speaker 2: the thing. But if you take a look at it.
9:59
Speaker 2: When I grew up in the phone rang and I
10:01
Speaker 2: was fourteen. It was attached to the wall, right, and
10:05
Speaker 2: my father would answer it and he'd hold it to
10:08
Speaker 2: my ear and I'd say, yeah, can we just talk
10:10
Speaker 2: at school tomorrow? And that would be the extent of
10:12
Speaker 2: the phone, as opposed to this thing that they have twenty.
10:16
Speaker 3: Four a day access to everything.
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Speaker 2: My bullies stayed at school, and I had lots of bullies,
10:22
Speaker 2: but they were big.
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Speaker 3: And they were mean. But when I came home, I
10:26
Speaker 3: was safe.
10:28
Speaker 2: Now the bullies says, we all know all this stuff, right,
10:30
Speaker 2: I'm not telling you you don't know, but the bullies follow.
10:32
Speaker 3: Them home because of this thing. Right.
10:36
Speaker 2: When I was growing up, I didn't watch the news.
10:41
Speaker 2: I didn't know what was going on in the world.
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Speaker 2: My father me. There was before CNN and twenty four
10:44
Speaker 2: hour day news. My dad watched the news at six
10:47
Speaker 2: or seven o'clock at night. Why would I watched the news.
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Speaker 3: I don't care. I didn't read the newspaper.
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Speaker 2: If the newspaper came, I'd we have the comics because
10:54
Speaker 2: I'd have silly Putty and I'd be trying to make
10:56
Speaker 2: the comics go on to the silly putty, right and.
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Speaker 3: Then stretch them because that's what we did. I don't
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Speaker 3: know what was going on in the world.
11:04
Speaker 2: I know you fastward to where we are today, and
11:06
Speaker 2: you've got seven and eight year old kids who are younger.
11:10
Speaker 2: We're concerned about the war in the Ukraine in Russia.
11:13
Speaker 2: They're concerned about where China's going to be a timewan
11:16
Speaker 2: on what that means. They're worried about, you know, us
11:21
Speaker 2: taking a leader out of Venezuela and if we're gonna
11:23
Speaker 2: go in World War three, and if that's not enough,
11:26
Speaker 2: then they can go, well, it doesn't matter, right because
11:27
Speaker 2: in ten years global warming is going to destroy the
11:30
Speaker 2: earth and we don't have a place to live anyway.
11:32
Speaker 2: And that's before they start thinking about AI. So in
11:35
Speaker 2: their little brains, which is the same as my little brain,
11:38
Speaker 2: where my little brain was only thinking about who am
11:40
Speaker 2: I going to be? The dummy who sits under the
11:43
Speaker 2: ramp when I ride my bike and we jump it over,
11:45
Speaker 2: It's gonna be the dummy goes down there. Right, That's
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Speaker 2: the only thing I was concerned about for the weekend.
11:51
Speaker 2: But that's not what they're concerned about, right, And then
11:52
Speaker 2: they got again, and then everybody went to college who
11:56
Speaker 2: wanted to go to college because he was cheap and
11:58
Speaker 2: it was easy to get into. But now it's seventy
12:04
Speaker 2: eighty ninety thousand dollars and you've got to have a
12:07
Speaker 2: four point five to get into a really good school,
12:09
Speaker 2: and your parents don't have the money. And then so
12:12
Speaker 2: you got to get the scholarships. You gotta work that
12:13
Speaker 2: extra harder or you're gonna have loans, And then do
12:16
Speaker 2: you really want to go to college with what's second?
12:17
Speaker 1: Even?
12:17
Speaker 2: Do like the amount of pressure on these kids compared
12:22
Speaker 2: the way when we grew up is completely different. M
12:26
Speaker 2: And let's face it, our parents may not have been
12:29
Speaker 2: the best. They had their issues, but for the most part,
12:34
Speaker 2: they were present, right, They were there, probably being more
12:39
Speaker 2: present than we wanted to be because they didn't have
12:42
Speaker 2: anything else to do. They came home from work, they
12:44
Speaker 2: turned on wheel of fortune, and then they gave us
12:46
Speaker 2: a hard time about something.
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Speaker 1: All right, So we have this one collection of ingredients
12:53
Speaker 1: here that are seemingly causal factors. This is the soup
12:58
Speaker 1: kids are swimming in. Yeah, what else is in that equation?
13:09
Speaker 2: Well, parents are a lot less present. They're on their phones.
13:16
Speaker 2: It's very easy for us to say, how are you doing?
13:19
Speaker 3: I'm fine?
13:19
Speaker 2: Oh great, thank god you're fine, because I'm not. But
13:22
Speaker 2: we're doing the same stuff, we're looking at the same world.
13:25
Speaker 2: Is hey, I going to take our jobs? Can I
13:28
Speaker 2: afford the rent and the more agenda by a stake?
13:30
Speaker 2: The a stakes so expensive, Like the pressure on all
13:34
Speaker 2: of us is so much more intense, and we can't
13:37
Speaker 2: all deal with them.
13:38
Speaker 3: The same way.
13:39
Speaker 2: Some people are really wired to deal with pressure and
13:41
Speaker 2: stress personally. That's what I do all day, right, I
13:45
Speaker 2: own businesses. I'm wired for it. My wife not so much.
13:48
Speaker 2: There's no way she'd be able to function with the
13:50
Speaker 2: world I live in, right, She's just not wired that way.
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Speaker 3: My son is, my daughter's not.
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Speaker 2: Everybody's different, right, And and people get depressed, and look
14:04
Speaker 2: at we just the problem is when people get depressed,
14:07
Speaker 2: a lot.
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Speaker 3: Of us don't understand what it means, right.
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Speaker 2: Like, they literally do not see the world the way
14:12
Speaker 2: we see the world. And there's nothing you can say
14:15
Speaker 2: that's going to change that mm hm, But we keep trying.
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Speaker 1: To change it, right and and oftentimes too, depression can
14:25
Speaker 1: look different in different people. Absolutely well, right, I mean
14:29
Speaker 1: it can look for especially you know kids, it can
14:32
Speaker 1: look like anger or or isolation. So what is your thesis?
14:40
Speaker 1: What do you asking what people to do?
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Speaker 3: Well, here's how I look at it.
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Speaker 2: There's not enough doctors, great therapists like yourself, psychologists, psychiatrists,
14:57
Speaker 2: therapy centers, hospitals to deal with all of.
15:02
Speaker 3: The people who are hurting.
15:05
Speaker 2: So what I tell parents is that we need to
15:08
Speaker 2: own our kids' mental health the way we own their
15:12
Speaker 2: physical health, which means that we have to be the
15:15
Speaker 2: one who's going to be there checking.
15:16
Speaker 3: In on them.
15:18
Speaker 2: We have to spend more time deeply asking them how
15:20
Speaker 2: they're doing and how they're feeling, and listen for words
15:24
Speaker 2: that might go, oh, I should dive in there a
15:25
Speaker 2: little bit more, because you know this better than I do.
15:32
Speaker 2: There's therapists, So there's lots of therapists. Well it's not
15:35
Speaker 2: as many as we need, but then there's not as
15:37
Speaker 2: many as you hope. Be amazing, and then they got
15:39
Speaker 2: to be able to connect with that one individual person, right,
15:42
Speaker 2: because I'm not gonna I'm not everybody's cup of tea,
15:45
Speaker 2: every therapist and everybody's cup of tea.
15:48
Speaker 3: You might be but like, it's not.
15:50
Speaker 2: That easy, right, right, But as a parent, you've got
15:53
Speaker 2: to be there for each other, and we've got to
15:55
Speaker 2: all be there for each other and be there willing
15:57
Speaker 2: to have the conversation and sit and listen and not
16:00
Speaker 2: try to fix people. I always use this analogy, and
16:05
Speaker 2: I might have used it last time I was on
16:06
Speaker 2: your show. Is that I live in southern California, guy,
16:09
Speaker 2: and I can look up.
16:11
Speaker 3: The sky most days and it's blue like your background.
16:13
Speaker 3: There's not a cloud in the sky.
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Speaker 2: If I was sitting with somebody who's depressed, they may
16:18
Speaker 2: only see clouds, and there's nothing I can do to
16:22
Speaker 2: change their mind that those clouds don't exist. The only
16:25
Speaker 2: thing I can do is ask them about their clouds.
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Speaker 2: Tell me what they look like, tell me how they
16:30
Speaker 2: make you feel. Do do they come and go? Are
16:33
Speaker 2: the good clouds and bad clouds? But if you try
16:37
Speaker 2: to tell them their clouds don't exist and what they're
16:39
Speaker 2: seeing in their mind's eye doesn't exist and isn't real,
16:42
Speaker 2: they will stop talking to you. And the minute they
16:45
Speaker 2: stop talking to you, that's the danger point.
16:50
Speaker 1: So if I'm hearing you correctly, it's about, in part,
16:56
Speaker 1: parents being more engaged, being willing to be more engaged,
17:01
Speaker 1: being willing to be engaged in their children's mental health.
17:08
Speaker 3: Yes, having just.
17:10
Speaker 2: Physical health, not to physical health, just and understanding that
17:14
Speaker 2: it is real and taking it seriously and saying you
17:17
Speaker 2: know what I mean. A lot of people say, well,
17:20
Speaker 2: they're just looking for attention. Maybe they are, and maybe
17:25
Speaker 2: they need some attention, right right, And maybe it's more
17:30
Speaker 2: to it. But do you really want to take the
17:32
Speaker 2: chance that it's just a fake cry for help? Do
17:36
Speaker 2: you not want to check that out? Do you know
17:38
Speaker 2: to get them to a therapist? Do you want to
17:40
Speaker 2: maybe get to the hospital they go to the hospital.
17:43
Speaker 2: I'll tell you if they're faking it and they tell
17:47
Speaker 2: you they die a suicide and you take them to
17:49
Speaker 2: the hospital and they get put in the hospital for
17:51
Speaker 2: three days, if they were faking it, they're not going
17:54
Speaker 2: to fake it again, right. I can guarantee you that
17:57
Speaker 2: I've seen that happen multiple times. Like I'm not going
18:00
Speaker 2: back there again. But it was serious. They're like, oh
18:04
Speaker 2: my gosh, thank god we got in there.
18:07
Speaker 1: When you in your work, when you talk to parents,
18:13
Speaker 1: what are some of the things you hear from them?
18:16
Speaker 1: Parents who've these kids have committed suicide.
18:21
Speaker 3: Well, I mean the ones who died of suicide.
18:24
Speaker 2: You know, they're lost, they're shocked, They're guilty, they feel guilty.
18:31
Speaker 2: They shouldn't feel guilty. It's very hard, but the majority
18:38
Speaker 2: of parents don't go at this the way I've gone
18:41
Speaker 2: at it.
18:43
Speaker 3: They they clam up, they.
18:46
Speaker 2: Wallow in it, and it's it's I wish I could
18:51
Speaker 2: get them to try and live their life still and
18:55
Speaker 2: understand that they're child or friend is likely looking down
19:02
Speaker 2: on them right now, wishing it didn't happen and wishing
19:07
Speaker 2: they could go on with their lives. It's not what
19:10
Speaker 2: they wanted. They didn't do this to ruin your life,
19:13
Speaker 2: and they wish they didn't ruin your life.
19:19
Speaker 3: If that makes any sense, Yeah, it.
19:21
Speaker 1: Makes a lot of sense. I mean, I can't imagine
19:27
Speaker 1: a parent not feeling guilty.
19:30
Speaker 3: Yeah, totally feel guilty.
19:35
Speaker 2: But feeling guilty and understanding what you can do about
19:40
Speaker 2: it are two different things.
19:44
Speaker 3: You have to.
19:48
Speaker 2: You don't have to have You can feel guilty to
19:51
Speaker 2: a point, and I and I probably still do, but
19:55
Speaker 2: at a certain point you have to forgive yourself and
19:57
Speaker 2: understand that there's only so much you can do and
20:01
Speaker 2: if you missed it. You missed it, but that doesn't
20:03
Speaker 2: mean your whole life has to be around.
20:06
Speaker 1: So for the for the parents, listening is your is
20:13
Speaker 1: your message? In short, put down the phone and talk
20:18
Speaker 1: to your kids when they come home tonight. And like
20:21
Speaker 1: my kid, I have a seventeen year old who's in
20:24
Speaker 1: eleventh grade. You know, how's it going good?
20:28
Speaker 3: Yeah?
20:31
Speaker 1: What do we say?
20:32
Speaker 2: Well, I'll tell you what not to say the start.
20:35
Speaker 2: Do not run into their room tonight and say we
20:39
Speaker 2: need to talk. I just listened to this podcast because
20:44
Speaker 2: they're gonna scream at.
20:45
Speaker 3: You like they usually do.
20:47
Speaker 2: Right, you have to find the time when they want
20:50
Speaker 2: to talk to you, like what I. You know, it's
20:52
Speaker 2: and I And it's all different for everybody.
20:54
Speaker 3: Right, there's a guy.
20:55
Speaker 2: There's probably times when your son just opens up and
20:57
Speaker 2: wants to talk.
20:59
Speaker 1: Yep.
20:59
Speaker 3: And it's probably really inconvenient most times. Right, you're ready
21:03
Speaker 3: to go to bed and you sit he's like, hey dad, you.
21:06
Speaker 1: Know exactly, shit exactly.
21:11
Speaker 2: It's on their terms. It's on their terms, and it's
21:14
Speaker 2: never when you want to have this. One like where
21:16
Speaker 2: parents mess up in my mind is that they go, Okay,
21:19
Speaker 2: we're going to talk and they stare them in the eyes,
21:22
Speaker 2: because that's how adults communicate, and they think they're doing
21:24
Speaker 2: the right thing, and that scares the crap out of
21:27
Speaker 2: your kids, and they they just don't want to do that.
21:30
Speaker 2: They don't want to look you in the eyes when
21:31
Speaker 2: they're talking to you, especially over something that's uncomfortable, which
21:35
Speaker 2: is why they generally talk to you in the car, right,
21:36
Speaker 2: because they know in the car you've got to look,
21:38
Speaker 2: so if they say something, you can look for a second,
21:41
Speaker 2: but you can't give your eyes on the road.
21:44
Speaker 1: How did you learn this?
21:46
Speaker 3: How did I learn this?
21:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've spent unfortunate the last eight years digging into it,
21:53
Speaker 2: talking to therapists, psychologists, people work in the space, parents,
22:00
Speaker 2: And I think when you spend eight years in the space,
22:02
Speaker 2: you start coming up with theories, and you test your
22:06
Speaker 2: theories out and you talk to more people, and you
22:08
Speaker 2: realize that, you know, I have my things, I have
22:12
Speaker 2: the things I tell parents to go do right, and
22:16
Speaker 2: they resonate with parents, and I hear back from parents saying.
22:18
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're right, that actually worked.
22:20
Speaker 2: But it's also I've raised four kids, right, so I've
22:24
Speaker 2: had my experience raising kids and talking to kids, and
22:26
Speaker 2: I know for a fact that you know they talk
22:29
Speaker 2: to you only when they want to and it's inconvenient.
22:32
Speaker 1: You'll be ready to listen.
22:35
Speaker 2: Yeah, and don't judge, and they should feel like and
22:39
Speaker 2: this is a hard thing, right. I always tell my kids,
22:43
Speaker 2: if you tell me what happened, I'm not going to
22:46
Speaker 2: punish you.
22:48
Speaker 3: If I find out about.
22:49
Speaker 2: It without you telling me about it, it might be
22:53
Speaker 2: a different story.
22:55
Speaker 3: Right.
22:56
Speaker 2: So if you go out and you're sixteen, and my parents,
22:57
Speaker 2: my kids are all older now, But I was like,
22:59
Speaker 2: you're sixteen and you go and you go to party
23:01
Speaker 2: and you have a drink, and you've got the car.
23:05
Speaker 2: If you drive home, you're in a world to hurt.
23:10
Speaker 2: If you call me and tell me, can you come
23:12
Speaker 2: get me, I'll come get you.
23:16
Speaker 1: Yeah.
23:18
Speaker 2: Right, you got to have if you can have them open.
23:22
Speaker 2: And I guess I didn't have it with Ryan, right,
23:23
Speaker 2: I thought I did. We had a great relationship as
23:26
Speaker 2: far as I could tell, and even in his notes
23:29
Speaker 2: he left, apparently we did, but he was he was
23:33
Speaker 2: hurting and he was hiding it.
23:36
Speaker 3: And we didn't get to have the conversation.
23:39
Speaker 4: I didn't know, So it's not I mean, that's yours
23:46
Speaker 4: is an example, it's not then is easy.
23:52
Speaker 1: It's not easy as plug and play. Well, I'm gonna
23:55
Speaker 1: talk to my kids and I'm gonna listen and I'm
23:56
Speaker 1: gonna judge. That doesn't mean that it's all going to
24:01
Speaker 1: be okay on their end, that they're even going to
24:03
Speaker 1: tell you what's going on.
24:04
Speaker 3: No.
24:04
Speaker 2: But but what I didn't do is sit down with
24:08
Speaker 2: the Ryan and say, buddy, just tell me. I'm curious, like,
24:11
Speaker 2: how how do you feel about life? Like this card
24:16
Speaker 2: game is great because it starts the conversation since it's
24:19
Speaker 2: game and the kids like it.
24:21
Speaker 3: But I mean a question.
24:23
Speaker 2: I always wish I had to ask Ryan because I
24:26
Speaker 2: always said I love you, he always say loved me.
24:33
Speaker 3: I wonder what would happen if I asked him if
24:35
Speaker 3: he loved himself.
24:36
Speaker 1: Hmm.
24:44
Speaker 2: I don't think he would have said yes, all right,
24:50
Speaker 2: So I didn't have those conversations. We hung out all
24:54
Speaker 2: the time. We talked all the time we'd have when
24:58
Speaker 2: I was I travel a lot for business. When I
25:00
Speaker 2: was home, you know, we watched movies, we hang out.
25:04
Speaker 2: But he had a secret, and I didn't think about
25:07
Speaker 2: asking him how he was. So there's no there's no
25:10
Speaker 2: guarantee if you go in and ask them how they're
25:12
Speaker 2: doing and really try to have open conversations, that does
25:15
Speaker 2: going to happen.
25:15
Speaker 3: But I can tell you right now I had an
25:20
Speaker 3: incident in listen.
25:21
Speaker 2: I was speaking in Puerto Rico for a buddy's event
25:25
Speaker 2: in two hundred and fifty people and asked me, can now.
25:26
Speaker 1: Speak for whose event?
25:29
Speaker 2: A friend A friend's event for a company event, and
25:32
Speaker 2: he asked me to do the keynote at the end,
25:33
Speaker 2: to go talk about mental health. And I said sure,
25:35
Speaker 2: I hadn't talked him about six years, and I did.
25:38
Speaker 2: I did the thing, and he came up to me
25:39
Speaker 2: after he goes, gee, I just want to tell you
25:41
Speaker 2: some Remember when after Ryan passed, I called you.
25:45
Speaker 3: And told you I was worried about my daughter.
25:48
Speaker 2: I said, I kind of do Yeah, he says, remember
25:50
Speaker 2: what you told me to do, Michael, tell me. He goes,
25:53
Speaker 2: You told me to watch your text talk and then
25:56
Speaker 2: go ask her how she was doing and asked her
26:00
Speaker 2: if she wasn't doing well, to ask her if she was.
26:04
Speaker 2: I thought about hurting herself and it took me a
26:07
Speaker 2: month to get the energy to go do it because
26:08
Speaker 2: I was scared, and then I did it. And she
26:14
Speaker 2: said she wasn't doing well and she was thinking about
26:16
Speaker 2: hurting herself. And then here's a video for dancing now
26:23
Speaker 2: and she's fine now. But if I didn't ask you
26:26
Speaker 2: the question, well you have to ask the question, Jason.
26:34
Speaker 1: Let shift a little. Tell me about your films. How
26:38
Speaker 1: did you how did you start? How'd you come up
26:41
Speaker 1: with this? I'm gonna do films well.
26:45
Speaker 2: So when Ryan passed, I was going through his drawers
26:52
Speaker 2: looking for notes, looking for something, and I found a
26:55
Speaker 2: note that said, here's my user name of passwords, and
26:58
Speaker 2: next to it was a note that said tell my Story.
27:10
Speaker 3: So that's what I do.
27:15
Speaker 1: And in terms of films, what is the documentary tell
27:20
Speaker 1: my Story about?
27:22
Speaker 2: Well, Tell my Story is on Amazon Prime and some
27:26
Speaker 2: of you and watch it with your kids. Honestly, watch
27:29
Speaker 2: it with your kids, and it'll start a conversation about
27:31
Speaker 2: mental health.
27:32
Speaker 3: It's a good place to start.
27:34
Speaker 2: And it's me going around talking to different parents and
27:36
Speaker 2: different groups about what's going on.
27:39
Speaker 3: I traveled up and down the West Coast.
27:43
Speaker 2: Our other film was What I Wish My Parents Knew
27:46
Speaker 2: For parents, it's a school program.
27:48
Speaker 3: Our latest pro our.
27:50
Speaker 2: Latest program or movie is called Shift, and we're really
27:53
Speaker 2: proud of this one because what I wish my parents
27:55
Speaker 2: knew kind of grabs parents shakes them, going, this could
27:58
Speaker 2: be your kid. You see kids going, here's what I
28:01
Speaker 2: went through. But in Shift, what we did we said
28:04
Speaker 2: took kids who had mental health issues, but then they
28:07
Speaker 2: lean into a hobby or an interest or a passion
28:09
Speaker 2: of theirs to help bring them out. And this is,
28:12
Speaker 2: you know, a theory that we've come up with and
28:13
Speaker 2: you know it proves out pretty well. Is that you
28:16
Speaker 2: know you can't when all you have in life is school, parents, family,
28:23
Speaker 2: and a couple of friends. Okay, it's nice, but what
28:27
Speaker 2: are you doing for yourself? What are you passionate about?
28:30
Speaker 2: What do you accept? What gets you up in the
28:32
Speaker 2: morning to go, I want to go do this right,
28:34
Speaker 2: because it's not going to be school. There's not even
28:37
Speaker 2: your parents, right, But what is the hobby, the interest,
28:40
Speaker 2: the thing that you like to do, Like I like
28:42
Speaker 2: to tell people, and you ought to be great at it, right,
28:44
Speaker 2: And these people in the movie happen to be really
28:46
Speaker 2: good at it, but we just shows them doing different things,
28:49
Speaker 2: like they're they're skating, you know, number one skateboard in
28:51
Speaker 2: the country.
28:51
Speaker 3: Okay, great, she's awesome about it.
28:53
Speaker 2: But there's a girl who does poetry, and there's the
28:55
Speaker 2: girl makes cookies and she said the passion that it
28:58
Speaker 2: helped their own mental health. And what I like to
29:00
Speaker 2: tell people is that everybody needs this. Like, guy, if
29:04
Speaker 2: you think about it, what is the thing and maybe
29:08
Speaker 2: you're completely.
29:09
Speaker 3: Well balanced, but what is the thing you used.
29:10
Speaker 2: To do that you love, that you wish you know,
29:14
Speaker 2: there's a hobby and the interesting thing that was that
29:16
Speaker 2: you got used to be so excited about it, Like
29:18
Speaker 2: you used to play piano when you were a kid.
29:19
Speaker 3: You used to go, Yes, that's it.
29:22
Speaker 1: That's that's what I thought of, right, And why did
29:25
Speaker 1: you stop? You know? Because I went to school, I
29:32
Speaker 1: went to college. Yeah, I just yeah, I couldn't fit
29:36
Speaker 1: it in.
29:36
Speaker 3: But did you enjoy it?
29:38
Speaker 1: I loved it?
29:39
Speaker 3: Why are you playing now?
29:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're asking me these good questions, Jason, I don't
29:46
Speaker 1: have an answer for you. Lazy.
29:49
Speaker 5: Well, I mean, it's but that happens with people, right don't. Yeah,
29:52
Speaker 5: I'm not yeah about it, but I don't know in
29:55
Speaker 5: my own life. It's those things in life that keep
29:58
Speaker 5: me going. Like I played guitar since I was fourteen.
30:04
Speaker 5: I'm not any good at playing guitar, guy, I'm really not.
30:08
Speaker 3: There's guitars all over this house. And if you ask
30:10
Speaker 3: me to play you a song right now, I don't
30:11
Speaker 3: have anything memorized. I get nothing. But I love to
30:15
Speaker 3: be able to play guitar for twenty minutes after work
30:17
Speaker 3: before dinner.
30:18
Speaker 2: I had to take ten years of singing lessons so
30:20
Speaker 2: my wife wouldn't kick me out of the house because
30:21
Speaker 2: she's the only one that plays.
30:22
Speaker 3: I play for right, but I just do. I'm doing
30:25
Speaker 3: it for anything else. I do for me, I do
30:27
Speaker 3: if he's I enjoy it.
30:29
Speaker 2: I tell you, look, I've written seven books, guy, I
30:32
Speaker 2: tell people this all the time. I've written seven books
30:34
Speaker 2: and I've sold eight because no one buys my books,
30:38
Speaker 2: and I don't care, because the the experience of reading
30:42
Speaker 2: a book that start the whole part of like how
30:46
Speaker 2: you get your mind has to think about how you
30:47
Speaker 2: organize this thing and what's gonna come out, and like
30:50
Speaker 2: it's such an amazing experience that I don't regret any
30:53
Speaker 2: of it, even though nobody buys the books.
30:55
Speaker 3: I don't really care. Right, That's the kind of stuff,
30:58
Speaker 3: like what do you do that you just do for yourself?
31:01
Speaker 2: Like all these little figures behind me, all these things,
31:05
Speaker 2: these are you know, if this one's a fine one,
31:08
Speaker 2: these are molds I buy on eBay and they're old
31:11
Speaker 2: wolves from the thirties and forties that that, you know,
31:14
Speaker 2: I make pure toys out of Why because.
31:18
Speaker 3: I like it?
31:18
Speaker 1: No? Wow?
31:20
Speaker 3: I one more thing. This is an iron Man symbol, right, yeah, yeah, yeah,
31:24
Speaker 3: I'm an iron Man.
31:24
Speaker 2: Guy, which means that I've done two full Iron Mine
31:28
Speaker 2: races in seven halfs wow, ten years ago. But I didn't, right,
31:32
Speaker 2: I came in virtually last every single race.
31:36
Speaker 3: Guy. I'm terrible at it. I'm not good at it
31:41
Speaker 3: at all, and I never want to do it again. Right,
31:44
Speaker 3: But at that point in my life, that's what got
31:46
Speaker 3: me passionate. That's what got me excited. Right. And I
31:50
Speaker 3: go through phases.
31:50
Speaker 2: I do different things and I get excited about it,
31:52
Speaker 2: but that I can't imagine not having something in my
31:55
Speaker 2: life that keeps me excited.
31:57
Speaker 3: And that's where we came off this movie. Shift is going.
32:00
Speaker 3: That's what people keep. The people who have something in
32:02
Speaker 3: their life outside of work and spouse and the basic
32:06
Speaker 3: crap we go through every day, something that's just for
32:09
Speaker 3: them that they love, are better off. Of those people don't.
32:14
Speaker 1: M M, yeah, that sounds. This sounds to me like
32:24
Speaker 1: what we need to give our kids, right this realization,
32:27
Speaker 1: this space, to have that, to prioritize that in their lives.
32:34
Speaker 3: That's that's just encourage them.
32:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, And just like you said, school parents coming home,
32:42
Speaker 1: a couple of friends. There's almost no room for that.
32:45
Speaker 1: You can make room for it, but right we a
32:49
Speaker 1: lot of times we our culture doesn't make room for
32:52
Speaker 1: that for these young kids. But we have to.
32:54
Speaker 3: Yeah.
32:56
Speaker 2: I spoke to a group of fifteen hundred kids in
32:58
Speaker 2: the high school two weeks ago, or we can have film,
33:01
Speaker 2: and I said to them, I showed the trailer the Shift,
33:03
Speaker 2: and I talked about how they should all find something passionate.
33:06
Speaker 3: I said, And here's what I want you to do.
33:08
Speaker 2: I want you to go home this weekend and tell
33:10
Speaker 2: your parents to take you to hobby lobby and walk
33:13
Speaker 2: around the aisles and just find something that grabs you
33:16
Speaker 2: and make them buy it for you.
33:20
Speaker 3: And try something new, because keeping.
33:25
Speaker 2: Your creative side of your brain going has some kind
33:29
Speaker 2: of interesting effect on how you feel view about life.
33:31
Speaker 2: I do believe that I can't prove it because I'm
33:33
Speaker 2: not a scientist. But I really feel that's important.
33:39
Speaker 1: Jason. I love having you on here, man. I appreciate you,
33:47
Speaker 1: I admire what you're doing, and you're welcome back on
33:53
Speaker 1: this podcast anytime.
33:54
Speaker 3: Thank you. Guys.
33:56
Speaker 2: We're working on a new film for colleges and college
33:59
Speaker 2: kids in May and probably be a great thing to
34:03
Speaker 2: talk about his college kids.
34:04
Speaker 3: They have a lot of struggles when we get away,
34:06
Speaker 3: so we're gonna.
34:07
Speaker 1: As we as we close out. What would you say
34:11
Speaker 1: to the parents listening.
34:15
Speaker 3: I would say, take care of yourself. Find what you're
34:20
Speaker 3: passionate about.
34:21
Speaker 2: Find go play piano if that's what you used to do,
34:25
Speaker 2: Start that hobby back up again, because you have to
34:28
Speaker 2: put your own oxygen masks on first. Lead by example
34:32
Speaker 2: with your kids and show them how having a passion
34:34
Speaker 2: and a hobby and something interesting is fantastic. And video
34:37
Speaker 2: games don't count, television doesn't count. Do something for yourself
34:44
Speaker 2: and do something your kids. And I don't want you
34:47
Speaker 2: to be I don't want you to live in fear
34:50
Speaker 2: of how your kids feel. I just want you to
34:53
Speaker 2: be aware and have the conversations and understand if they're
34:55
Speaker 2: talking about it, that's a good thing.
35:00
Speaker 3: Right, awesome?
35:03
Speaker 1: Or Jason, how do people learn more about you and
35:05
Speaker 1: what you're doing.
35:06
Speaker 3: If you go to tell Mystory dot org, you got
35:09
Speaker 3: all my stuff is up there. If you want to
35:11
Speaker 3: host a screening in your school, your your your your.
35:13
Speaker 2: Organization, whatever you want for a shift, we're doing that now.
35:17
Speaker 2: We are just we're flooded right now. It's kind of crazy.
35:19
Speaker 2: We've gotten we started advertising on meta. We have three
35:23
Speaker 2: hundred and fifty people wanting to have screenings just left.
35:25
Speaker 1: Wow.
35:26
Speaker 2: Now, whether we all hurt or not, but I think
35:28
Speaker 2: we'll put this into five hundred to seven hundred schools
35:31
Speaker 2: this year in organization, So I'm very excited about that, reaching.
35:36
Speaker 3: Out to as many people as we possibly can.
35:38
Speaker 1: Love it. We'll have all that linked up here at
35:40
Speaker 1: the show notes page at the Trauma Therapist podcast dot com. Jason,
35:44
Speaker 1: thank you love it. Thanks, got all right