Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 445. You Don’t Have Multiple Priorities In Marriage, You Have One... And It Should Be Each Other

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445. You Don’t Have Multiple Priorities In Marriage, You Have One... And It Should Be Each Other · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's just another episode of your favorite podcast, the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's another Friday.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: So we're back with Austin, and we told Austin this week, we're giving you a clean slate, uh, whatever you want to talk about.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: So we don't know what Austin's gonna talk about this episode.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: Cool.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um we'll have to we'll have to title it after.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: We have a lot of faith in you.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Might have to edit a bunch, I guess.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: We'll see.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, I mean, so so much of my my work, not just with clients, but but outside of the clients, is how do we make this more effective?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: How do we how do we have people not in therapy for forever or whatever, right?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, some of my background is um directing clinics clinics and training other therapists and in some really complex scenarios and trying to figure out like one of our problems uh was we have too many clients coming in and we need to serve them better.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so I spent a lot of time on like what are the kind of the baseline things that if we put those in place, it helps more couples more.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because what what happens traditionally in in a you know in a marriage that then gets brought to therapy is something in life hits a you know, a wound, a couple does their dance, their you know, their spiral, they navigate through it, oftentimes they don't resolve it, they just mend and then it happens again, right?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so what we start to look at is what can we put in place positive that's kind of like a buffer to those things that might need to get healed, and and the idea in some ways is like, hey, if you put these things in place, like the the boundary conversation we had last time, um, but we're also putting these positive things in, then hypothetically, and and what we see therapeutically is couples don't have to spend a ton of time on their like childhood and past relationships and all their trauma because their marriage isn't activating any of that.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, this is great, me too, cool.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, um, and so one of the things, and I think this is an important conversation um I I would say for every couple is making your marriage the priority.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: I learned this several years ago.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: I've looked it up to make sure I'm not sharing something that's not accurate, but the the initial like root concept of priority is there's only one.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: We talk about priorities, right?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: And they're always in competition.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: And and I believe from a from a spiritual godly perspective, I believe marriage is the priority in the relational context.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: I think we obviously include God in our lives and our relationship, but in in the marital dynamic, work is not the priority, friends are not the priority, your parents are not the priority, and this is really hard for a lot of people.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Your your children aren't the priority, the marriage is intact to serve the and help the children, but the priority is the marriage, and so um truthfully, like so.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just take this a step further.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so much of my work um at times does end up being the impact of childhood.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I think you guys had this conversation a little bit ago.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: People don't learn certain things in marriage that ideally they come out of their childhood with, and then they're like, hey, you learn how to do marriage, me too.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Cool, let's do this.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times it's what they didn't develop, and unfortunately it's the damage that they also endured, right?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, for the couples listening to this this episode, I think when you got married, there's a good chance that you were the priority of your spouse, or you might not have gotten married, is is typically the thing there.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: And you knew that your spouse, you know, they might have been in school and like, yeah, you gotta go to school and you have jobs, but those things served the marriage.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: And unfortunately, so many couples they get married and they and they put all their attention into the the career or the school with good intentions.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: I want to help, but they neglect them the actual bond, the relationship.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Same thing with kids, right?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: And we have to be real, like let's say kids, for example, they do probably require more time.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but if the marriage is working well and you're getting that kind of dose of love from each other consistently, it doesn't have to be endless hours, it just has to be fulfilling, then husband and wife have more energy to pour into all the other things.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so I see this often where it's like couples come in with any, you know, we we call it the identified problem, right?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, sometimes it's they're pointing at each other, and we call that finding the bad guy.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, hey therapist, which one of us is the bad guy?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you that.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Right, yeah, right.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: My job is to flip it all around and say, hey, I know these things are happening.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: We can we can address each of these, or we can fix the thing that's not working that allows all these to work well.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: So when we help couples reunite on their marital bond, mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual, working well, we parent together, we've balancing, you know, individual needs.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Now you're better able to go be successful at work and to be successful with the kids and to set some boundaries with family.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, right, like all these things when you're prioritizing the relationship, it becomes more clear of how do we how do we spend this time and energy kind of building off of our last our last episode.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, you two get a lot of messages from people that want ultimate intimacy, obviously.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but so often what they're coming in with is my spouse doesn't seem to want to do this thing, right?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: And and I think for that person, I would say be in tune with your value as a marriage as the priority for you.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: And then a lot of your effort is how do I influence my spouse to see that there's actually something really great available?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: The often oftentimes the the approach is, hey, why do you suck so bad?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Why are you terrible at marriage?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to be married to me and connect?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: That equation doesn't work.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you can approach it and go, hey, like I know we're disconnected, I you know, I hurt you, I whatever the thing is, this invitation.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: I've talked about this in the past.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I want to I want to meet your needs, I want you to feel loved and cared for here.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you you are my priority.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: This marriage is my priority.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I want you to feel that.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: Can we imagine if couples said that to each other more often?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that would change a lot.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: Like just those sentences that you just said, I I want you to feel like your needs are met, I want you to feel loved, I want you to feel prioritized.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: And then right, if you if you add the actions to the words, right?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: The the words do for sure matter and make a difference.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you're seeing that spouse actually do the things, right, that's where it works so well.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: And and that builds this like energy of like, hey, I'm in this with a partner and we're we're doing something amazing, and we we like it today.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: And this is something I really try to help couples with.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Me and my wife did therapy that it was kind of this like way down the road, you're gonna maybe enjoy this marriage after all this work.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, and I was like, wait, we're like, we're actually married today, and we would like to enjoy it, like help us start enjoying the day, yeah.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so I try to get couples, and it's interesting because a lot of couples are like, Wait, you're gonna try to help us connect right now.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I mean, yeah, when you reconnect and you're in this together, and you feel that this is the priority, all these things you're coming to, you're approaching together, and it's way easier to resolve.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm I'm talking the most complex, painful things.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: I see couples heal honestly fairly rapidly, and it's not about a quick fix, it's about a consistent repair because they both want the end result of that repair, which is we're living in a safe, loving, like intimate, playful, fun marriage.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, let's get that done.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, let's do that, right?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Thoughts on that?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: Is that what everyone wants, right?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_02: Playful and fun.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think you brought up a great point too.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us think, oh, it's gonna take so much time, but really just the attitude of like asking your spouse those things and seeing that you truly do want to have things change can cause a connection to happen really quickly, right?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh my heck, like he's trying, she's trying.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's gonna that alone is gonna connect you pretty quickly for a lot of couples.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: I I think a lot of couples look at us and I'm like, Well, do you have such a great marriage?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: Like, why don't your kids come first?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_02: And they just don't understand it.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I spend a lot of time with my kids, like a ton of time.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_02: That's nice.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm with the kids all the time.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_02: We have a daughter that's always home because she's a senior now, she's in and out and in and out.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_02: We spend a lot of time together, she's getting ready to move out.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: My kids are a really big deal in my life.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: But if I say, Hey, Nick, when the kids are asleep at 9:30, 10 o'clock tonight, do you want to climb into bed and be intimate or watch a movie or snuggle with me, or let's go hunt up just the two of us for an hour?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: And he says, Hey, I got a romantic date night plan for Friday night, that's two hours.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_02: Those two things show him that he's part he's my priority and that I'm his priority.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_02: That's just a couple of hours a week.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: If I send him a text during the day, which I'm not very good at because we're together all day long.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_02: But if a wife sends her husband a text during the day or vice versa, and says, I'm just thinking about you right now.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_02: I love you so much.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_02: Is prioritizing your marriage in a day full of chaos, work schedules, and kids.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_02: It's just that simple.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: It's the intention behind everybody.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: It really is so easy to make your marriage.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_02: I can imagine if couples were texting each other like that, which is why we created the private channel and the ultimate intimacy or some of the some of the games where like, honey, I just want to turn, let's turn our phones up tonight and just spend two hours cuddling and talking tonight.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: You know how lump a wife is gonna feel if he picks his him, her over his phone, or vice versa.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people think that prioritizing means time.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: It really has nothing to do with it.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: It really doesn't.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: She could spend 99% of the time with the kids and only give me 1%, but there's so many things in between, like she's talking about, like, hey, tonight, would you like to be in tonight or send a text or just things that are letting you know that she cares about you?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_02: Like, let me share just one example really quick.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_02: We were having a really, really busy day.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_02: I knew the work day was a load.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_02: I knew I was gonna be all gone all night with something, I was gonna get home late.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_02: I probably would be too tired.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_02: And more in the morning, I'm like, I just want to connect with you intimately this morning.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_02: Let's let's make it a quickie.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_02: Really?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_02: He's like the most loved man on the face of the freaking planet.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_02: I can promise you that.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: It was a quickie, and that's fine.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: It like those kind of things, or if he, like I just sent a simple text, like go stop on the way home, say, Hey, I'm gonna be 10 minutes late from work.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_02: Grab your wife a bouquet of flowers or her favorite drink, show up at home.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: That is prioritizing your marriage, and it's just that easy, guys.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: It's just that easy.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's it's not about it's not about the thing, it's not about the orgasm or the flowers or the sex or the right, it's about you matter to me enough for me to think about you for 30 seconds and then to want to spend time with you.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: And this is what it's like we somehow something happens in marriage where we go from like, I want to spend all this time with you, and then some marriages are like, ah, like stay back, right?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so that becomes confusing for the partner that's we could typically call the pursuer.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, wait a second, I thought we were best friends.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: This is where people do have some work to look at, like, what's causing me to be so panicky or so avoidant?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: That typically is a perception of something dangerous in the relationship.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Uh you counteract that best by being caring, being thoughtful.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so the the language we use, and I I like to keep this language with couples, is I often say, How are you being uh engaged in their well-being?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like create a pattern for yourself, like put reminders in your phone.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I yeah, I'm busy with work or kids or whatever.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, I should send that text, or oh yeah, I let me think about intimacy tonight and how do I get myself in that place when I've been stressed out or whatever.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like putting forth that effort that need is an attachment need, having a partner that's engaged in your well-being.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: If the partner's engaged in your well-being, the need is already met.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Then what you do next is the benefit, the fun.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I I tell people all the time like if you are proactively even thinking about showing your spouse love, they will feel that in the marriage.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then it it also provides the other two automatically.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: The other primary two attachment needs are are you available?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: Well, yeah, I'm anxiously engaged, and are you responsive to my needs?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm here.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like you you told me what you needed, I I'm doing it.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I love what you're saying.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it is not that challenging to create a healthy marriage.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: It is prioritizing and then asking yourself two things.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm not prioritizing it, why, right?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Or if my value is, yeah, I agree.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like my marriage is my priority.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: Well, now it's getting in the way, right?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so let me share this.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: This is really valuable.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: This is from uh this is from like the seven habits of highly affected people, and it's often related to business, but I found it really helpful in marriage.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: It talks about the way we use time, time and and energy, and it says, oftentimes we do things that are either important, uh, they're important and urgent.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so this is like this is really important, and I got a deadline, like I gotta get it done, right?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: The next one is gonna be this is important, but it's not that urgent, like it doesn't have to be done right now.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: So that's something you schedule.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the next one is this is urgent but not that important, okay.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: This is where people spend a lot of time.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: They're doing things that are pressing.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta answer the phone because it's ringing.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know if it's important.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna I'm gonna answer this important thing, or excuse me, this urgent thing while I'm doing something that actually is important, talking to my spouse, for example, right?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: And and those urgent things we feel a little like, oh I gotta I gotta answer the notification, I gotta look at my phone, right?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so well, I'll talk about shifting that, but then the fourth one is this is not urgent and not important.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's a waste, right?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so the fourth one you want to delete, like these things don't matter to us.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, in the big scheme of things, how much does scrolling through Instagram matter?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that doesn't matter, right?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the things that are important that are not urgent, like schedule those, plan ahead.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: This is like the date night stuff.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: This is scheduling into your life.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: When am I gonna think about date night, right?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right and planning date night.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if we can get to a place where we're doing the important things, um, not in an urgent space, that's gonna be the most valuable.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so I want to go back to the third one.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: This is urgent, okay?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: It needs to get done.
• 16:57
  unknown: Okay.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's not important, okay.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: This is a place, as I mentioned, a lot of couples end up there.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: And um my suggestion there is find us or create a system where it makes it not urgent anymore.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: It shifts to that second one because you're planning ahead, or or delegate some of it, right?
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: I see a lot of people doing other important things that have now become urgent, and the marriage suffers.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's where it's really tricky.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, well, I'm doing something really good for our family, for our for our children, for our church.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like, awesome.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: But the marriage is the priority, and when the marriage suffers, the kids suffer.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and you might get the thing done, whatever it is, but at what expense?
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: And this is where I I see a lot of couples really then they're spending an hour wrestling with the hurt instead of what if you just had to spend the hour connecting and then doing the thing right in a non-urgent time frame.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I think when couples will look at that um out of that panic, uh, kind of panic emotion, it becomes so much more clear.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: The problem is we keep hitting these deadline, deadline, deadline.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: We're running around crazy, and we're also, you know, the marriage suffering.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think so many of our us are task-oriented, and we don't, like you said, determine what's important or what's not important.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: We just see a task that needs to get done or something we're doing, and just try to do it.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_02: And and I think we're not really like thinking about what it's gonna do to our spouse.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I think we do a lot of things in our day, not really thinking how does this affect our spouse, right?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_02: And I think if we we just talked about what was it last week, I think, about the weekly marriage meeting.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_02: Um like important that is to sit down like Sunday night, Monday morning, Monday night, whatever it's kind of the beginning of your week and be like, how do we get on the same page with our week, right?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like how key that is.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_02: And I think if you were to sit down and do that and plan out your week and and and talk about your schedules and everything that's coming up, the kids' schedules, your schedules, work schedules, whatever, whatever it is, and then say us time in.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_02: How do we save us time in?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_02: But like what you just said, put those in those boxes.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what is mandatory?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what can be like put aside?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_02: How do we put our marriage before this, even if it's 20 seconds of time, right?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: I that that I call it a couples counsel.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: I often try to get couples like if you can start to implement that, it reduces our therapy time together immensely.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's simple, and I often tell couples this isn't a scheduling meeting, that's a part of it, but it is a creating your life meeting, right?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, we're counseling together on what we want this week, we're co-creating what's coming up, and and and what do we want?
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I have a you know, several things I have people start with that we can share.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: What you know, I always suggest start with a prayer, start with appreciation, like specific appreciation that's relevant, um, and then express love.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: That that creates that buffer.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: But uh, and then you go into this planning, and what I suggest couples do is have you I'm sure you've seen this like this idea of like you get a jar and you put the sand in first, and then you try to put the pebbles, and then the it doesn't work, right?
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, this is what couples do with their marriage, right?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: They go, hey, our marriage is a priority, let's let's make some time.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if you prioritize it, you look at the schedule and you go let's put the marriage in first, then let's and you might have to cut some stuff out.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: But I see couples where it's like, and no no shame here, right?
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: But it's like you had seven hours a day on your phone, but you couldn't go on a walk together, right?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: And couples don't do that intentionally, they just do it you know neglectfully or whatever, right?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_02: I I want to add something, and maybe it's a little off topic, but but I want to talk about like day night or just when you're sitting in your bed or you're the dinner table table or whatever, wherever you're at.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_02: Um, when we choose to pick up our phone, I I just want to say like I have to remember not to be a hypocrite in some of these areas.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_02: Because if he picks up his phone to answer like a work message, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like he's picking another work message in the middle of our date.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_02: And a lot of women have said, like, this hurts, or just picking up your phone in general when we're trying to have a discussion or just whenever it is, like I can't be doing that and picking up a text from my kids that aren't isn't urgent too.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_02: It's no different.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_02: Like, if someone texts you and he's working with something on a work issue and I'm dealing with a kid issue, it like it doesn't matter.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_02: Like, we have to be more aware that like we need to be doing what we expect our spouse to do.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_02: I'm on the topic, but I'm like, we have to be hypocrites too, like you can't even Your husband and be like, oh my gosh, he's on his phone again watching the news.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, Well, I was swiping social media five minutes ago.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_02: Like, we have to be very mindful, like to just be open about it, aware.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_02: And I think all these things fall into place when you start being more awake aware of what it's doing to your spouse, right?
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because the I mean, these things are really built to take your attention.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: Facebook, Instagram, Netflix, they want your attention.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's how they make money.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: And and so I tell couples, especially in like if we're in a like repair type phase of their relationship, I'm like, take everything off your phone.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: Take email.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: People are like, email?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, yeah.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_01: If you need to email, go and like this is I don't love email.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: I don't there's several things I don't, and I'm like, I'm gonna do email that that time of day.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: And if I don't see the new email, it's I'll see it tomorrow kind of thing, right?
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: Same thing with like planning intentionally, when am I gonna go on TikTok or Instagram or whatever?
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: Going with that intention for the purpose of I'm not being dragged out of my marriage or my attention from my kids to this thing, I don't even know what it is.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: So, interestingly, in school, not as part of like marketing your therapy practice, we talked about marketing principles because they know how to get attention.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: And and one of the things that we talk about is that's what couples are trying to do with each other, like those bids that's like, hey, can I get your attention?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: Can I get your involvement?
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: And so we talked about what marketers have learned that husbands and wives typically don't know, right?
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: And uh it's like this this captivating, capturing attention, and and you can learn that from your spouse.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: Uh like I tell people all the time, I'm like, if I ask the right questions, your wife will tell me what's really important to her in five minutes.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: I can very easily give you those questions, but if you're curious, even if you ask the wrong question, if you're curious and you care, they will share.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely you have the roadmap kind of thing, right?
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so, real quick, going back to the marketing thing, one of the things they said is there was like a first ad on, or it was like a first commercial in like I don't know, 30s or 20s or whatever.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: And it was the first time something was presented in front of people that they didn't need.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: It was a it was a Rolex, a Rolex watch, nobody knew what a Rolex was.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: They're watching a television program as a family, and all of a sudden this new thing is introduced, and it's like Rolex knows you don't need a Rolex, so they captured your attention when it was already in something, and they they call it interrupting marketing.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, your cell phone is 100% interruption marketing in 700 ways.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: Instagram, Facebook, notifications, the game, the porn, the all the stuff is just trying to take your marriage or your attention from the things that matter most.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: And the notifications go ding, this is urgent, ding, this is urgent, it's not important, right?
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so for couples to know if we go back to priority, like if your marriage is the priority, being able to shut out this is boundaries, right?
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: The stuff that doesn't serve you, there can be a time and a place, like you know, cool, spend 15 or 30 minutes or an hour, whatever, a day or a week, but do it intentionally on you know entertainment, which is what you know these things are.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but you you both know this, you talk about this.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, this is the whole point of ultimate intimacy.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_01: The the best entertainment is great intimacy, like that's nothing better than great intimacy.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not talking just sex, as you know, right?
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's this this we are together, we're going on dates, we're going on a walk, like that's so much better than watching people you don't know.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I was just thinking like if if you feel like you're not getting the dopamine out of your marriage and out of your relationship, so you're turning to other things.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_02: I I always think of like three things like there's either resentment or something, a barrier in your marriage that's keeping you from wanting to get that from your spouse instead.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_02: Or you've just become lazy and have just kind of stopped caring and need kind of a little subtle reminder, like, hey, your marriage could still be amazing if you made it amazing, right?
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_02: Or lazy, or you're just blown like we've been talking about distracted.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_02: And so I think there's always some kind of barrier to why am I turning to this when I have this, and trying to figure that out for yourself and for your marriage and have that conversation in your marriage, right?
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_02: Like, do you feel like this?
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_02: Do I feel like this?
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_02: How do we what's going on?
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_02: What's the disconnect?
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_02: Why do we feel like this is more exciting?
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_02: How do we make this more exciting?
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_02: Like those two conversations are gonna fix these.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_02: And then, like you said, it's not that hard.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_02: Like, even though put a time limit on your phone, I have them on my social media.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_02: Babe, it's been 30 minutes, perfect.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_02: I'm done.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_02: This is a time waster now, right?
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_02: We do it for our kids.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think adults are any better.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_02: In fact, I think the older people are worse.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: I think you're right.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_02: And a lot of times, and it sucks when you're like at a family dinner, even the adults are jumping on their phone, and you're just like, Are you serious right now?
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_02: Not one hour?
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_02: You can't give one hour.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: There's a like if you got on my phone, you'd be like, Oh, this is the dumbest thing, right?
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I don't have any social media, I don't have Netflix, I don't have any of it on there, I don't have email on there.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um I have a few kid games, I have some, you know, like audible, whatever.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: But um because I don't, there's times where I go, and it's not a judgment thing, I just observe it.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like I go to places and what I notice is just human connection is vulnerable.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not uncommon to go somewhere with a room of people like right next to each other, and like 20 of them are all like this.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, it's insane.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's it it it keeps us from connection because connection is vulnerable.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: So you can hide in a phone.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't have that, like this is back in the day, it was weirder to be by someone and not be like acknowledge them, right?
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, I think if we if we highlight this this concept of you know prioritizing what matters most, I think it's really important to recognize I I think a lot of people don't realize this.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, marriage is not just a commitment, it's something bigger, like it's a covenant.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_01: That that's I mean, there's value in us talking about that.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people make vows, they intentionally do it in a sacred way, like this is a full-on, I am all in on this thing, and then they don't be all in on this marriage, on this relationship, on this person.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think there's value in reviewing individually and as a couple, like what did I promise you?
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, what did I and not doing it out of obligation?
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I wanted to do this because I was so close to you.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: How do I recreate that?
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: You do that together.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: So many people are trying to recreate that alone to pour in to awaken the other.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_01: But I think for each of us looking at like how am I like doing my portion of this that I made a real real covenant with and how do I course correct?
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people don't necessarily love this this language, but like this idea of how do you repent in your relationship?
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's not an apology, I'm sorry for it's a course correction.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: I was off track, I'm course correcting you matter the most, this matters the most.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_01: As we pour into one another, it's gonna bless everything around us.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_01: I I promise I see that all the time.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: Couples go from the worst to not mediocre, that's not the goal, to let's make it the best.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_02: That's awesome.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's possible for sure.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_02: That is awesome.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I love it.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I think I think for hopefully most of you out there listening, um, you've heard that number one, you can get to the marriage you want very, very quickly.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, number two, um, it's as simple as prioritizing your spouse, which again isn't a time thing.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's uh, hey, you're on my mind, I'm thinking of you, right?
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: And again, you know, I can't tell you how many couples we hear from that.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't have time to prioritize them.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: I got this, this, this, and this.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it's not a time thing.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's sending them a text, letting them know you're thinking about them, or picking something up on the way home, or, you know, like Amy talked about as well, hey, let's let's be intimate tonight.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: Just the small and simple things will completely transform your relationship, no matter what season you're at in life, or how busy things are, or what you're doing with the kids.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's just a simple thing like that.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: So we uh we appreciate you being on, Austin.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: What a great conversation.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we'll look forward to being on with you again here in the next week.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: So we appreciate everyone listening to the podcast, and until next time.