Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Does Your Child Mirror Your Worst Habits?

Transcript

Does Your Child Mirror Your Worst Habits? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. It's another Friday.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: It's been a big week. I've been in regional New
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  Speaker 1: South Wales all week, Narrow Mind, Can Doblin, Parks, Forbes,
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  Speaker 1: the whole lot, and finally we get to sit down
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  Speaker 1: and talk about all the parenting that I haven't done
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  Speaker 1: and that Kylie has done this week so that we
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  Speaker 1: can learn how to be better parents. I have actually
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  Speaker 1: got a couple of really really big stories to share though,
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  Speaker 1: about how we can get things right when things are
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  Speaker 1: emotionally charged at home, based on something that happened last
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  Speaker 1: week when I was at home with the whole family. Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: You've got something lined up for us as well.
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  Speaker 2: And today I'm going to share how sometimes our kids
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  Speaker 2: are the mirror to our own souls.
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  Speaker 1: We'll find out what Kylie means right after the break
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  Speaker 1: on the Happy Family's podcasts. Welcome to the Happy Families
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Podcast Friday edition. It's I'll Do Better Tomorrow, where we
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  Speaker 1: review the week that was, work out what worked, what didn't,
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  Speaker 1: and try to give you some inspose so that you
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  Speaker 1: can make your family happier. My name's Doc Justin Colsonan
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  Speaker 1: here with Kylie Mum to our six kids, my wife
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  Speaker 1: of you know what we're coming up to hang on
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  Speaker 1: twenty eight years, twenty eight years of marriage in just
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  Speaker 1: a couple of weeks time. Very excited for this. Are
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  Speaker 1: you looking after it this year? Am I the wedding anniversary?
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  Speaker 1: Have you got that? Or have I got it?
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  Speaker 2: Maybe I've got it, maybe you've got it.
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  Speaker 1: That's not filling me with any sense of conference at all.
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  Speaker 1: We need to do better than this. We'll work it
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  Speaker 1: out at some point, Kylie. You have said something cryptic
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  Speaker 1: about what you're going to share, Mirrors to souls for
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  Speaker 1: our children. Just before we go there, received an email
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  Speaker 1: we love your emails, we love your voice notes podcasts
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  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot you. That's podcasts with
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  Speaker 1: an s at happy families dot com dot you. I
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  Speaker 1: just want to read this out. A GP, a co
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  Speaker 1: owner of medical practice and a GP in the northern
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  Speaker 1: suburbs of Brisbane, got in touch mum to a couple
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  Speaker 1: of teenagers. Felt compelled, she says to send an email
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  Speaker 1: to you to share my thoughts. Here's the background. I
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  Speaker 1: work with lots of young families and adolescents and support
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  Speaker 1: them through lots of challenges. Recently I've been feeling uneasiness
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  Speaker 1: with the way mental health treatment has been progressing. So
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  Speaker 1: much money spent, so many psychologists and psychiatrists, and overall,
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  Speaker 1: so so so many medications for these people without much improvement.
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  Speaker 1: And on top of the depression anxiety epidemic, I've been
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  Speaker 1: overwhelmed every week with adults wanting referrals for ADHD diagnosis. Then,
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  Speaker 1: she says the Queensland government came out with the news
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  Speaker 1: in December allowing gps in Queensland to diagnose and prescribe
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  Speaker 1: medications for ADHD without further training. Couldn't believe this decision.
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  Speaker 1: It seemed crazy to me. Why would the solution be
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  Speaker 1: more doctors and easier to prescribe. We are in health
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  Speaker 1: economic crisis, huge money spent on these subsidized medications, sending
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  Speaker 1: PBS Medicare into debt. Yes, no one can get into
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  Speaker 1: see a psychiatrist, but that at least was keeping the
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  Speaker 1: epidemic at bay. Now there will be no stopping this epidemic.
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  Speaker 1: Why people so wanting of this diagnosis. I have very
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  Speaker 1: accomplished professionals seeing me requesting referrals. The world seems to
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  Speaker 1: have gone mad over ADHD diagnosis. Then, she says the following.
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  Speaker 1: A few weeks after hearing your recommendation on your book
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  Speaker 1: review episode of Happy Families, I ordered Searching for Normal
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  Speaker 1: from book Topia that arrived last weekend. I can't tell
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  Speaker 1: you the visceral reaction I have had to reading this book.
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  Speaker 1: I only started two days ago. I'm halfway through reading it,
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  Speaker 1: but the authorites so articularly about what I've been feeling
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  Speaker 1: in my gut for years. I've been reading sitting up
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  Speaker 1: next to my husband in bed, and nearly every few
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  Speaker 1: pages I dig him in the ribs and say, see, yes,
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  Speaker 1: I agree, this is exactly how I feel. This is
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  Speaker 1: my exact patient, and what the lack of evidence for
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  Speaker 1: our treatment guidelines is so absent. Anyway, she goes on
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  Speaker 1: to say, I feel so emotional and passion about this,
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  Speaker 1: and I don't know where to turn. I feel like
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  Speaker 1: I need to start yelling this from the mountaintops. I
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  Speaker 1: started to discussing our tea room at work yesterday, asking
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  Speaker 1: if anyone read the book. Nobody had. I feel like
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  Speaker 1: I just can't keep seeing these families and agreeing to
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  Speaker 1: the distortion of truth. And she goes on to say
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  Speaker 1: a few things about mental health care plans for psychologists
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  Speaker 1: and just how messed it all up. I wanted to
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  Speaker 1: share that because we made a pretty big deal about
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  Speaker 1: searching for Normal by Sammy to Mimi on the podcast
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  Speaker 1: last year, and I've come under rode a fire from
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  Speaker 1: people who are not professionals, but who are just desperate
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  Speaker 1: because their kids are driving them crazy or because they're
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  Speaker 1: being driven crazy. And I keep on getting this kind
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  Speaker 1: of feedback highly because we are not dealing with the
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  Speaker 1: mental health challenges that we've got in this country properly
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  Speaker 1: and giving gps who are not trained the authorization to
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  Speaker 1: start writing more scripts for more diagnosis, which they're also
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  Speaker 1: not qualified to be giving. It's beyond the pale. It's
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  Speaker 1: completely inappropriate. It's absolutely wrong that the government's doing it,
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  Speaker 1: and that the doctors are doing it, pediatricians are doing it.
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  Speaker 1: They're not actually the people who should be doing this,
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  Speaker 1: and we've got massive problems. So there you go. There's
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  Speaker 1: my bright ray of sunshine to start off our Friday.
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  Speaker 1: I'll do better tomorrow. Do you want to add anything
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  Speaker 1: for that or do you just want to tell us
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  Speaker 1: your happy story?
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  Speaker 2: I feel so saddened by the idea that the answer
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  Speaker 2: to our problems is just another drug or just another label.
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  Speaker 2: And I look at individual people in my own life
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  Speaker 2: that are very close to me and watch how the
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  Speaker 2: medical profession has literally slowly eaten away at any chance
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  Speaker 2: of enjoyment in life, because as soon as there's a problem,
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  Speaker 2: there's just another drug added to the cocktail.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, So it's offer skills. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And I remember when you and I first got married,
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  Speaker 2: and I used to come to you with my challenges
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  Speaker 2: and you would be so burdened by it because you
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  Speaker 2: thought your job was to fix them. And I kind
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  Speaker 2: of feel like gps play that role. We come in,
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  Speaker 2: we tell them we've got a problem and their job
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  Speaker 2: is to fix it, instead of us looking at them
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  Speaker 2: as almost a sounding board and an opportunity to get
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  Speaker 2: curious and try and kind of understand and look.
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  Speaker 1: At the options the best ones do. The best ones say, well,
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  Speaker 1: let's talk more about that, and let's see if we
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  Speaker 1: In fact, I've read about some very unique gps who
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  Speaker 1: are prescribing exercise and prescribing food as medicine.
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  Speaker 2: Or green space or meditation.
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  Speaker 1: They're actually prescribing and they literally they're writing it on
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  Speaker 1: not and go home and do this, and when adherence
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  Speaker 1: occurs well, being follows. We just do not have enough
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  Speaker 1: people who are willing to step away from that medical model.
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  Speaker 1: The other thing that makes it really hard is that
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  Speaker 1: we've lost confidence in our ability to get through things.
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  Speaker 1: We feel like we need to always be getting an expert,
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  Speaker 1: getting somebody into helpers. I know I'm doing myself out
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  Speaker 1: of a job by saying this, but we've got to
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  Speaker 1: back ourselves a little bit more and just go, Okay,
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  Speaker 1: I can actually do this, It's okay. The number of
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  Speaker 1: parents who want me to give them permission to say
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  Speaker 1: no to their children, I'm like, I don't need to
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  Speaker 1: give you permission. You can you can do that anyway.
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  Speaker 1: That was the emailt that came through. We get plenty
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  Speaker 1: like that, but that one just struck me, I guess
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  Speaker 1: because it's somebody who is really working out the cold
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  Speaker 1: face dealing with this and is literally doing the work
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  Speaker 1: and saying, why are we doing this? It's not right.
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  Speaker 1: We just need more people who are brave enough to
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  Speaker 1: do it rather than just go with the flow. What's
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  Speaker 1: your old about? It's morrow, Kylie.
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  Speaker 2: Well, this week's been a little bit challenging, and I
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  Speaker 2: did find myself in a bit of an altercation with
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  Speaker 2: one of our children, and as we were talking, she
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  Speaker 2: was very emotionally heightened and was really struggling to, I guess,
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  Speaker 2: take accountability for the part that she was playing in
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  Speaker 2: this challenge.
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  Speaker 1: So we've got a saying at home. If you can't
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  Speaker 1: take accountability and owner and be responsible, that's using your
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  Speaker 1: or right r ownership, accountability, responsibility, that you're in bed, blame, excuse,
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  Speaker 1: and denial. And you're saying she was in bed.
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  Speaker 2: And I've heard the saying before that children's behavior is
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  Speaker 2: often a mirror to our own behavior and challenge. And
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  Speaker 2: as I was sitting there watching her falling apart and
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  Speaker 2: getting more and more frustrated by the whole, it occurred
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  Speaker 2: to me that there's been plenty times in our relationship
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  Speaker 2: where you have come and made a suggestion or queried
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  Speaker 2: me on something, and I have taken offense or suggested
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  Speaker 2: any number of reasons why you were incorrect or anything.
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  Speaker 2: And it's not pretty watching your child act in such
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  Speaker 2: a way that reflects behavior you recognize in your own life.
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  Speaker 2: Hence the merit to your soul.
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  Speaker 1: Right, Okay, you do get a bit defensive if I
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  Speaker 1: offer a suggestion that is not requested from time to time,
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  Speaker 1: maybe as much as I try not to. I grew
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  Speaker 1: up in a home where suggestions were fluent and fast coming.
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  Speaker 1: Like my parents or my mum especially, always had suggestions
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  Speaker 1: for how we could do things better.
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  Speaker 2: And I grew up in a home where it was
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  Speaker 2: everybody else's problem.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so funny, isn't it. How you get together
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  Speaker 1: and you're supposed to just figure this stuff out. Here
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  Speaker 1: we are thirty years in almost, and we're kind of going,
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  Speaker 1: we're just learning stuff about this.
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  Speaker 2: But a short time after that experience, you rang me
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  Speaker 2: and I may have jumped down your throat through the
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  Speaker 2: phone yep about something. And I got off the phone.
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  Speaker 2: You were so good. You just said okay, i'll talk
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  Speaker 2: to you soon, and you hung up, and I rang
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  Speaker 2: you back.
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  Speaker 1: I said nicer things than that. I'm just saying. I
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  Speaker 1: think I told you that I love you even when
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  Speaker 1: you're mad at me. No, you didn't, I'm pretty sure
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  Speaker 1: say any of that. You just I always say things
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  Speaker 1: like that. Let me go O all right.
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  Speaker 2: And about three or four minutes, as I sat with it,
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  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, wow, that was really harsh. He
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  Speaker 2: didn't deserve that. And I rang you back and I apologized.
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  Speaker 2: But the thing that stood out to me the most
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  Speaker 2: in that small interaction was number One, you could have
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  Speaker 2: been seething for those three minutes because I had treated
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  Speaker 2: you poorly in that moment, But when you answered the phone,
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  Speaker 2: it was like you were so excited to talk to me.
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  Speaker 2: And I apologized and you just said, I love you
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  Speaker 2: no matter what. And I'm really grateful that in spite
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  Speaker 2: of both of our upbringings, that there is this deep
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  Speaker 2: desire to find middle ground and to love no matter what,
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  Speaker 2: And in spite of the challenges we had with this
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  Speaker 2: particular child, on this day, I think that we came
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  Speaker 2: around to all of us sitting in the room understanding
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  Speaker 2: and knowing that no matter what, there is just deep
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  Speaker 2: love and appreciation for the abundantly good lives we get
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  Speaker 2: to live and we get to share together.
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  Speaker 1: That's the whole box and Dice, That's the entirety of
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  Speaker 1: what it's about. Can we stop doing dumb things? But
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  Speaker 1: if we do, can we forgive each other? And can
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  Speaker 1: we move on and be better as a result of it?
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  Speaker 1: That's literally all that matters. It's the whole thing. Holding
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  Speaker 1: onto grudges doesn't serve anyone. Being upset and seething doesn't
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  Speaker 1: serve anyone.
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  Speaker 2: I think the challenge for many people is that if
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  Speaker 2: I take accountability for the part that I've played, then
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  Speaker 2: I'm actually giving the other person permission to not take accountability.
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  Speaker 2: That's what it feels like. It feels like if I'm saying, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: that was my fault, then I'm taking the responsibility of
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  Speaker 2: the whole situation on board. But that's not what accountability
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  Speaker 2: is about. It's about acknowledging that I've played a role
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  Speaker 2: in this. I don't need to take your stuff on,
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  Speaker 2: but I can acknowledge mine.
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  Speaker 1: Family life is sometimes but my goodness, it's so rich,
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  Speaker 1: so worth it. So I was going to share my
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: awesome story and it's an absolute banger, but times up,
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  Speaker 1: we need to wrap it up there. So I really
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: really hope that you've enjoyed this conversation. Thank you so
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: much for listen to the Happy Families Podcast. We will
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: get into the nitty gritty of the other stuff that
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: we deal with and the just the huge challenges that
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: being a parent can bring into our lives on an
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: upcoming episode. Great Weekend. Happy Families podcast is produced by
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Justin Roland from Bridge Media, and Mimhammond provides all of
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: our additional support. More details are available at happy families
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: dot com dot u