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Keeping your relationship alive · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, Doc David here.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: We're going to talk about some ideas to keep your relationship strong.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Your answers to life, relationships, and daily living.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Hey listeners, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc., and yes, I'm still alive.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm still here.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm still around.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: I've just been crazy busy with things, and um and so haven't have had found have not found time to let my creative juices flow.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I found some time today, and I'm gonna be here and talk about some things that you can incorporate into your relationships, not just not just your um significant other relationships, but even relationships that you have with friends or family members to keep those things fresh and and going.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: I am recording to you today recording today from my office, and so I don't know if you can hear it, but listen for a second.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: In the background, there is white noise machines because our walls are thin, and so sometimes you can hear like if a person gets loud in my office, um the the therapist next door can maybe hear what's going on.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: So we use sound machines to mask out the sounds.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: So hopefully that's not an issue here.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um so as many of you know, I have kids and I've been married for about not for about, so I should say I was telling people I couldn't remember, but no, I've been married for 23 years.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: So that is a long time to be married.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Love my wife.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's you know, like any kind of relationships, it's ebbs has its ebbs and flows.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so what I've found is I've met with people is there's certain things that you can do, um, kind of themes that I've come up with that you know, they're general.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, other people are gonna come up with them, but but here's some eight different ideas on how to keep a relationship um positive and habitable, so to speak.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um one of the things, so let's start off with number one.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: So uh kindness.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Kindness is definitely a thing that it's hard to do because we live in a society right now, at least, um, where it seems there's a lot of divisiveness that's going on, relationship to politics and what people believe and what people think you shouldn't believe, and the mainstream media is definitely uh a culprit in bringing a lot of that divisiveness to the forefront.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so what I have been trying to do and what I encourage people to do is just in your daily interactions with one another, even with strangers, is just show kindness to them.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um there's a lot of times that we treat people that we work with in business or in the world, um, just even strangers, much better than the people we live with.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think it has consequences.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're not kind to the people that you live with, your kids, your partner, um, then that takes a toll on relationships and usually takes a negative toll on relationships, and people enter into my office because they uh are just not being kind to one another, saying hurtful things and being mean with their words.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um a second thing that I think is often overlooked in relationships is that this person that you're in relationship is important.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's hard at times to consider their needs over yours, but I think this consideration is the is the very thing that lets this other person know that you care about them.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's also the right thing to do when you care about somebody.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um sometimes people, when they say, Well, I care, so I'm controlling their behavior or I'm controlling what they're doing to stop them because I love them.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: I I get that.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: I can understand that if it's related to you're stopping someone from walking out into traffic.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: But um, if you're stopping somebody from buying a car that they really want um simply because you don't like it, that's a that's not placing importance on the other person.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I bring that up as a specific example because that that's a something specific that's come up in the past in a couple that I've worked with, where the husband was like, hey, get a car, and then the wife found this car that she really wanted, and he was like, Oh, I don't want you to have that car, right?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so I don't know, it just be aware of the other person's wants and desires, and that they are important, just as important as yours are as well.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, excuse me.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: So let's get back to the basics.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's number three.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, remember the things that brought you together, right?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: There was something that when you first started dating that you thought, wow, this is great about this person.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, whether it's the beauty in their eyes, the way that they laughed, the things that you guys had in common with one another.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I think what happens over time is that just life gets in the way, careers happen, kids happen, um, financial issues happen.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so then you lose uh this idea or you lose this vision of what you had of this person in the very beginning.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I encourage people to always often go back to the basics of okay, what were the things that drew you to one another, right?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: So if we're talking friend relationships, um what are the things that you enjoyed doing?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: What's the first couple things that you did as a friend and you thought, this is a this is one of my best friends?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's easy, I think it's easier to get back to the basics or or see what the basics were in a relationship with a significant other because that's that's a much more intimate relationship, usually.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um flirting, you used to flirt with this person, um, you used to compliment them for the tiniest things.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: These are the things that you should consistently be doing over the years, right?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think that at some point we take people for granted and we forget that we should be flirting with them or that we should be interacting with them as you know, in a more intimate way.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now, now hear me clearly.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's not friends or that's not family.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's your significant other.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um another thing I think that spouses often forget is you know, we we want when we first are in a relationship with somebody, we're wanting to impress them.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: We're wanting to have our hair be perfect and smell beautiful, smell nice, look beautiful, um, act appropriate.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: And over time, that kind of fades away.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so the picture I get is, you know, the dad bot of a guy who, like, when he's in his twenties, he's working out every day and eating well and has this fine physique, but then he has kids and he's married for a long time, and he starts to get a gut on him, or he's drinking beer every night and getting that gut and sitting around and being uh not being um energetic anymore, or the wife who shuffles around and just wears sweats and a hoodie around the house all the time.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is not uh for both sides of the coin, this is not attractive.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: This is something that um your spouse doesn't necessarily want to see.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: They want to see you with gussied up, I guess.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: They want to see, they want to smell you smelling good.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: They want to see you with your teeth brushed.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I would encourage you, like if you're not doing that, maybe to start doing that just and see what happens in your relationship.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: See if there's some kind of spark that is that shows up, or even a compliment that you may get, like, wow, you look really good.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And like, oh, okay, I forgot that I can look good because I'm used to wearing uh sweatpants and hoodie hoodies.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um another thing, uh, this is number one, two, three, four, five.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: We got three more after this.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Another thing, uh another thing that I think um often gets lost is tactfulness.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um usually when couples are first married, they choose their words carefully because they don't want to be offensive.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: But over time, people get comfortable with one another and they don't choose their words carefully.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um and and I've seen it over and over again where couples talk to each other in a way that I think, whoa, um that's not helping your marriage, or even friends again is a little bit different.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Family members do that to one another.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: They often will talk poorly to each other and say, Oh, well, we're just family.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's how we talk in our family.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't have to be how you talk in your family.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, you can change things up if you want, and probably should, especially if there's this pattern of hurting people with words.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: So tactfulness is something I think it's important.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now, this goes to um what what for couples, but also it could work with friends and family members.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Alone time is super important.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um if you have kids, it's really hard because you know, when when you have kids, they take up a lot of your time, but alone time with somebody that you value is really important.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and because just because you had kids doesn't mean that you can't ever have alone time now.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Now, there might be a season of your life where that's going to be very limited.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: I just worked with a couple that um they have not really a support network around here uh where I live, and so they're really limited on their options on who can watch their young child.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: That can change eventually as you get to know people, as maybe you move back to where your family is, or as your child just gets older and becomes more responsible.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's a season of life, and if you just grow accustomed to not having alone time, you're gonna be miserable when your kids leave the nest and it's just you and your wife, and you don't know what you have in common anymore.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so my encouragement to you is to try to get alone time, and if that means seeking out a uh a babysitter that you can trust and vet and do background checks on to watch your kid for two hours a week, I mean, do it.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: I think it would be well worth the investment of time and finances to do that for your marriage.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um one of the last things is compliment.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: People often forget about complimenting one another.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's easy to go to your significant other or um friend or family member and tell them what they're doing wrong, what things they're doing that are offensive to you, what things they need to change in their life.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's super easy.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think honestly, I think that's just human nature.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Human nature tends to go towards the negative.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: And we don't often go towards the compliments.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so those things that you think, well, they should just do this because they're in a relationship with me, you should compliment those things, right?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: I really appreciate how you made dinner for me, or I really appreciate how you take care of our kids, or I really appreciate the work that you did on this project, or what what have you.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh complimenting people is a great way to get out of a rut.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's a great way to let people know how you appreciate them, um, and it's a great way to practice mindfulness because if you decide I am going to pay attention to this person and compliment them, you're practicing mindfulness right there.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um and that's a biggie.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a biggie where a lot of people that I interact with in my office, they're not complimenting one another.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's always a lot of, I shouldn't say always, it's often a lot of negativity and blaming that's happening there.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: And finally, physical touch.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: So so there's numerous studies that show that positive physical touch releases chemicals called oxytocin in the brain, and these chemicals are good for you.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's also called the cuddle hormone, sometimes promotes feelings of devotion, trust, and bonding.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're not engaging in physical touch at a minimum with your partner, then you've got to be.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I have, again, I I it's just because of what I do for a living, I have people coming here that just are not doing the physical touch thing.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I've a lot of it's because men start out with this physical touch and there's an avenue that it leads to having sexual interaction.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so then for a woman who who just wants physical touch but no sexual interaction, they they're at an impasse there.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so the woman often will say, Well, I don't want physical touch because it's gonna lead to sex.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then the husband jokingly says, Well, why not?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Of course it's gonna lead to sex, right?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: So then there's a misunderstanding, and then people then just physical touch doesn't happen.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so my encouragement to people is just do physical touch just for physical touch sake.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't need to lead to sex, it just lets the other person know that, again, you care about them and they're the focus of your attention.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I mean, possibly it could lead to sex, but I mean, there's all these other things that are facets of the sexual relationship that need to be in place oftentimes for it to happen.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so just because you do physical touch doesn't mean that, okay, we're gonna have sex now.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: If you have a relationship like that, you need to have a better conversation about what's going on.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because physical touch shouldn't just automatically lead to a sexual interaction.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: There's lots of other things that you could probably do in your relationship to cultivate it and to grow it and to make it stronger and make you more compatible with one another.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: But these are just eight things that I've seen as I've interacted with people and that I've seen as I've talked with families and with um individuals about the things that they want in their relationships and the things that they don't get in their relationships.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so what I'd encourage you to do is take some time out and think about these things and implement two of them into your life.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you speak horribly significant other.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't you start complimenting them and saying things that need to be said in a tactful way?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you don't spend any time with your significant other.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't you work hard to find somebody to watch a kid so you can go spend um time with your significant other?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: These are easy things to do, and if you don't do them, then it's totally on you that if your marriage fails, because or your relationship with your significant other fails.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's so many, there's so much information out there on how you can uh shore up your relationship, the things that you can do to make it better, and if you don't take advantage of those things, that's completely on you.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so my encouragement to you is that if there's any of these that you think, oh, I should try this, then do it.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: Don't just think about it, put it into practice and do it.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: I hope to uh be a little bit more consistent.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: We're in the winter months, and again, life is busy.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm working a lot, seeing a lot of people, trying to get those streams of revenue coming in.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so hopefully we'll uh talk some more.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: If you have any comments, love to hear from you at headshrinkinc at gmail.com or go to my Facebook page, docdavid.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on instant, I'm on Instagram as well, and you can come follow me there, ask me questions there.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, have a great week and happy Thanksgiving.