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Jorge Guerra - Vida en inglaterra · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast. You heard my name is Jorge Guerra. If there'
• 0:16
  s anyone who hasn' t found out I' m a deaf mute,
• 0:19
  something you can read here. In addition, the first with j has written
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  it well the second with g is seen that this rock ended FP and such
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  when I present myself I usually go to the point and say that I am
• 0:31
  metro asexual, that here many people stay like this thinking and I know that
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  it is curious a guy that reproduces by geming, not even by spores more
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  than I am metro asexual. It' s just that I give up my
• 0:44
  hair, but I don' t fuck and where' s the fun.
• 0:45
  You know. I' ve come to think that it' s because of
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  me that I have something to do with it. I also think that living
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  in Valladolid, because look bad boy of many. You know or if you
• 0:55
  know the fame that girls have in Valladolid, I see that there is not
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  a group on Facebook that says I once said hello to a girl from Valladolid
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  and I almost took a host. I mean, I mean, if I
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  get the fuck out of here without fucking saying hello, you know what?
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  Another day I spend an aunt, I say later I throw myself out,
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  I get a shit. I say Maribel, I' m your fucking brother
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  to see that. You go to Valladolid, you meet an aunt, you
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  give her two kisses and she makes you the cobra. I mean, it
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  ' s not normal. You put a computer on the Internet in Valladolid.
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  When you get the typical banner this of looking sluts in your area. I
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  always give to the one who does and I leave the circle to this looking,
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  searching, searching and in the end you send me alamanca. You know
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  that' s not a dick. I also told you I was waxing.
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  This isn' t about hobby. I' m saying it' s not
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  about hobby and there are guys who wax more and more. I know because
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  you don' t see hair in your urinals anymore, but mine is out
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  of necessity. You know, I was going for a man. I stayed
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  in a fucking monkey. Go say the human body seventy percent water. I
• 2:01
  must be dry. You know, I don' t see my feet,
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  I mean fuck if I' m a hobbit. You know I can'
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  t go out in summer for a walk in my flip flops without being laughed
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  at I' m told where you' re going. That' s where
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  the bite is on the other side, so then they tell me the human
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  body is the perfect machine of shit. That' s why I' m
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  getting bald and I have hairs on my shoulders, so start using the gel
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  for my head. Shampoo to the rest of the body pussy. Then you
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  know the champuache that head and shoulders, if the only guy who used champu
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  with a criterion. I' m much more concerned about the hair that comes
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  out in places where I shouldn' t have hairs on my back, which
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  is that I look like a kiwi. All I mean, I sweat and
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  he turns his back on me like he' s cool with the quick watering
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  lawn. You know, it' s mud, because seriously, my ass
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  has hairs. You know, they call him bald a lot. I can
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  ' t, you know. I crouch here, you think you' re
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  seeing an iwak with mumps. You know. It' s very frustrating when
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  I go with the coleras with the car. We do the typical thing that
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  guys do about pulling their asses out the window, that we do. You
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  don' t know how frustrating it is to get ahead of you with a
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  car and far from offending, it' s funny, look at a doggy,
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  look out and I' m going to throw it away. But now
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  that you know my name, you know where I' m from. You
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  know I' m padded. I' m gonna be more serious. I
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  ' m going to talk about my real profession, and I' m a
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  veterinarian. Right, I took the race a long time ago. I think
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  the money had something to do with all this, and I' m glad
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  it' s already a professor. You know all that that by the laughs
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  I reduce that there is more than one graduate around here, because it is
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  curious, like everyone assumes that, by the fact of being a veterinarian,
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  I have to know everything about all the animals on earth. I mean,
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  they' ve come to ask me, I promise you, I hear Jorge
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  seen in a documentary that the furry Argentine armadillo, in long periods of starvation,
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  can become scavengers. That' s true. I' m so fucking
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  sorry, so go fucking vet. I don' t know if you think
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  there are armadillo- type subjects in the race, not for citizenship. They
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  don' t give you credit. No, fuck you, you know it
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  happens to me. It happens a lot when they know I' m a
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  veterinarian, they tell me ah vet, because my pussy has a cat MM
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  and there' s a pause. Not like waiting for my reaction, like
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  I gave a shit about the cat and the wedge. It' s like
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  I see a fucking computer, because my father has a mac but a half.
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  How you stayed there, but I fice uh, you fuck, I
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  worked at a veterinary clinic. I remember that the typical sign came with his
• 5:00
  pet, a dog or a cat, because you know that people are not
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  dogs or cats. Then they tell me you' re a sea of dogs
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  or a cat. I mean, don' t call it weird, but
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  I' ve had beef chops. You know, the typical lady came to
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  me with her dog, a little dog, an ugly thing. I didn
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  ' t know if a dog, a pendriife that shit and for her he
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  ' s a gorgeous dog and he' s the smartest thing in the world.
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  He tells me if my animal is smart I put my shoes on,
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  I put on my coat, I take the leash and you know we go
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  to the street and I say smell it eh who it will have gone out
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  to. But deep down, that sincere lady, because imagine of the lady
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  who puts on her shoes, puts on her coat, grabs the leash,
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  goes to the door of the street sorry, goes the sofa and lies down.
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  You know, you have to be a lying bitch to make an anime.
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  That' s not done. Those like when you hook up a dick
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  and it' s got a tail. Those things aren' t done.
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  But I want to ask you one thing as a vet, and it'
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  s to leave and ask us stupid questions. You know, I understand that
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  if you have a professional friend, ask questions about respect, especially if computer
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  science complains a lot about questions. I have a professional friend, the Civil
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  Guard. I recognize that I ask you a lot of questions, guy where
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  are you going to put control tonight from how many grams is jail? It
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  ' s true that you don' t pay in the putis things like that,
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  no, but the vets. Thanks to veterinarians you ask us a lot
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  of absurd questions and I' ve made a list of real questions that I
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  ' ve been asked throughout my life. I tell you, Jorge, Jorge,
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  because they talk like that when I get pre- George, listen to
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  the dots that my bitch has in her belly. They' re bad,
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  I can cut them off. They' re nipples, Jorge, animals fart.
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  I say clearly they fart, but they don' t always have to
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  be blamed. Asume, Jorge, I have one or something that doesn'
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  t eat me anything. I tried thinking, I tried cans. I'
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  ve taken him to eat eggnogs and I don' t know what. You
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  recommend that by giving him ten euros and you want to buy him you know,
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  Jorge, I could put my freshwater fish in a saltwater aquarium I don
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  ' t know why you can, but they would cook their eyes. Effect,
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  after Jorge, why dogs' hives smell of feet. Like this,
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  I don' t know. This is one of those things you have to
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  believe. It' s not like the sperm you' re winged about telling
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  me and continuing. Jorge, it' s true that if you give chocolate
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  to dogs they become blind. This is completely true. But, like people,
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  it' s not right to give them joints. And Jorge, it
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  ' s true that drug dogs get drugs. That' s true. Uh,
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  and the best- kept secret is that the agents are all there,
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  too. But, well, I finished the race to get on with my
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  life and I decided to go to work abroad, to England, and I
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  say I decided to mark it because it was my choice. Not like now
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  that a lot of people are gonna have to throw' cause they' re
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  really bad. I ate in the feeling the poor is true is fatal.
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  You put work on Google. You don' t even get the lucky button,
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  you know. You hit the whole thing there and it comes out looking
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  for you, searching and I' m going to be sent to Salamanca looking.
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  You don' t get that, I mean. Maybe he meant downstairs,
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  maybe he meant it' s going well. Then he redirects you to
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  Google Maps and sends the fuck straight to you. Well. I saw they
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  needed vets in Yort and I went there. I didn' t know much
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  about that town, but the basics aren' t ham and they have a
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  duchess. I mean, if I get paid in black, they' ll
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  embroider it. I say there to the office receives me boss hallow Hor Yo
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  and Gover we the King hor YouTube i e at last things hout youdo and
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  you didn' t just ask me this already because they are very polite.
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  The English are like very correct, a roll in reverse of what happens in
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  Spain. Not that the rock falls on you, you fall for it,
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  but you get drunk and you fall for it. You don' t in
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  the English fall from fucking mothers to drunks and say fuck what' s miserable.
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  You know who educates them. The truth is that they educate you very
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  well in the sorry, but that they are small all sorrys want something,
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  sorry you want a bad Shorry beer. Here they educate us more at the
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  Please, you want something and the mother tells you and how they say it.
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  You say please and you take it away not what happens that they maintain
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  this education until they are older, we lose it and if you don'
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  t realize like when we ask for time on the street, no, I
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  mean, what ways are those that come to you a fact, I have
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  time. No, man, you don' t know. I have the
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  dilemma that I say if I tell him I' m not taking a shit,
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  I' m gonna freak him out. If I tell you if you
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  ' re going to take my watch off, I mean, my solution is
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  that you say it. Hey, what do you say? That' s
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  how the Spaniards have no idea what England is at a geographical level. I
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  mean, I lived in a city called Stocon Trent, which probably doesn'
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  t sound like it. Don' t worry about the English either, I
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  mean it' s not serious, those in Terue, the British no,
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  but I was this with trend is famous because yesterday Robbie Williams and the captain
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  of the Titanic, a certain john Smith, who I say looks capped that
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  the same ton of a boat that makes you a pair of slippers. You
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  know, I mean, don' t look at the East guy from Italy,
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  the Concordia Coast guy. That frame a jones made me in full swing.
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  I didn' t fuck with you on a boat and then the bastard
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  got his ass kicked out, because I remember he was in this thing with
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  a train that, I repeat, is north and calls me a bird.
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  My mother picked up the phone. Jorge told me, you' re okay,
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  something happened to you. He' s here. I say thank you
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  for calling Mom, but it happened. You know it' s so serious
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  and tell me it says nothing that they' ve planted bombs in London.
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  I' m saying you' re worried about the blast wave, so they
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  put shrapnel on it or something so you can see that we have no idea
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  what England is at the geographic level. Notice as everyone who leaves in England
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  and no matter where, no matter what. The north of the south,
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  the east, the west becomes that of London. That' s right.
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  I' ve been London' s colleague. For my mother, he was
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  the son of London. You had to see your proud friends by now.
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  There is, then, a son who is in London and I am not
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  a mother. I saw well this with trend that is near Manchester. So
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  that' s why I have a son who' s doing a Manchester in
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  London. Sometimes, and before I say goodbye to you, I want to
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  make a reminder to an English woman who already left us, but well,
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  it was pretty important. Not Margaret Ttcher, and I want to remember her
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  to reassure all those monarchists here in the room who watch TV because I guess
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  they' re worried, because they think that if this woman being the iron
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  lady, then in the end it didn' t go so well. No
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  and of course, we king with so much operation, so much fall,
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  well, but I want to reassure you because he will not be of iron.
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  But fuck our titanium kings, that holds much longer. So, thank
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  you so much for your attention. Thank you very much.