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The Emotional Side of Men’s Health With Pervis Taylor | The Eye Believe Podcast · The Eye Believe Podcast

0:03
hey everyone
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welcome back to the Eye Believe Podcast
0:05
I'm Megan and we have an amazing guest today
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we have Pervis Taylor he's a mental health practitioner
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welcome Pervis
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thank you for having me Megan
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it's such a pleasure to be here
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well we are so excited
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so
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tell us a little bit about who you are and what you do
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and how you got into this
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oh wow
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um so I'm a mental health practitioner
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and what that means is like I
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I teach on mental health in
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in the collegiate system
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I do corporate trainings around mental health
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and emotional intelligence
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I write books around emotional intelligence
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I do some coaching I do one on one coaching
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but really everything is
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you know encapsulated in mental health
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I have a master's degree in clinical psychology
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from Columbia University
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and I've been doing this work for 15 years
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and I absolutely love what I do
0:53
I guess how did I get into this
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I used to work in the music industry
0:58
I worked at Def Jam Records
1:00
I was signed to Wilhemina Models
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and very very quick story
1:04
so my father calls me one day
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I was 24 years old I'll never forget this
1:09
and he says you know son
1:10
I know you're doing all this modeling
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and you're working at a record label
1:14
but I feel like you're gonna write books
1:16
I feel like you're gonna help people
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you're gonna help men in particular
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and he's telling me all these crazy things
1:21
and I'm like oh okay dad
1:23
okay not knowing that
1:24
that was the last conversation I would have with him
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he he passed like
1:28
the next week and so
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I always say that
1:30
I arrived at this place through prophecy
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and I you know
1:34
obviously losing a parent
1:35
you kind of go through all these emotions
1:37
I went through like
1:38
a deep deep depression
1:40
and I I asked myself
1:41
I said what brings you joy
1:44
and I thought about Megan
1:45
I'm so serious I thought about childhood
1:49
I was always the person that people came to for safety
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like people would share their secrets with me
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people would come to me for encouragement
1:57
and I said oh
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that's what it is that's who I'm supposed to be
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and so you know
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you know studied
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got my coaching certification
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went to grad school study clinical psychology
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and here we are
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that's an amazing story and I'm
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I'm so sorry about the loss of your father
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but what an inspirational way to get to where you are
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that's amazing yeah yeah
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I tell people that
2:20
people are like you're lying
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I'm like no
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I'm dead serious that's exactly how it happened
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wow that
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that is really cool thank you
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thank you yeah
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I love what I do I really do
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that's fantastic and
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we're so appreciative that you're taking the time
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to bring this information to us
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and just help us educate and spread
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the word and get this information out there
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so thank you so much for being here
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it's my pleasure
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Pervis
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why do you think so many men still feel uncomfortable
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talking about mental and emotional health
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well you know I
2:55
you know I was thinking about that
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I was thinking about my own life right
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you know I had two wonderful parents
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but the way young boys and young girls are socialized
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is very different I remember I couldn't cry
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my father was like suck it up
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or I would get in trouble
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I would get on punishment if I cried
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or if I was emotional in any way
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and I remember my sister could have all these meltdowns
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and it was like it was fine
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and it was fine and so like
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I learned like
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my emotional world doesn't matter
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and then you add culture to it
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you know I grew up in the south
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and if you were emotional or sensitive
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you know you got called names
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and so like
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you learn quickly to suppress and perform
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I was awarded and rewarded for my performance
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never for just my being and so like
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I learned like
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that was the way to be
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and I think a lot of men learned the same way
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I think our fathers learned the same way
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and I think our grandfathers learned the same way
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we never had an opportunity
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or the space to negotiate our emotions
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or regulate and so
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I think it's a generational curse
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if you will it's something that's
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passed down from generation to generation
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I teach a course at York College in Queens
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New York on emotional intelligence
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and I asked a young man
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he was showing up to two sessions
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and he stopped coming and I asked him
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I said why did you stop coming
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he said yeah
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my girlfriend said I was sassy for attending
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you know this emotional intelligence uh
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workshop and I
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and I saw his girlfriend I said
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do you know that young black men
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have the fastest growing suicide rate in the country
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and she was like
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I said yeah
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you wanna be careful about what you say to
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to your boyfriend to say to other men in your life
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I said it's important
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I said this is a real serious situation
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I said suicides are led by men
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that's across the board you know
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so I think
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I just think that a lot of men
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haven't had the permission
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or the space or even the
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know how to deal with their emotions
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so they they just suppress
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absolutely I think you hit that right on the head
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I mean absolutely
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it's really sad actually
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yeah no it
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it definitely is
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and I think a lot of people can relate to that
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men and women but you're right
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especially men but even women out there
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I think can relate to that of like
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suck it up yeah
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suck it up and put on a show and be happy
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and you know
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I think this hits housewives really hard too
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that because you choose to stay home with your kids
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you should always be happy and loving
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every minute of it and you don't get to be stressed out
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and have a meltdown
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so I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling
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yeah and it's
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and even women are rewarded for performance right
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like you just said being a housewife performing
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being happy so I
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I think it's something that we both share
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but I think in general
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men are just not communal
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when it comes to expressing our emotions
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in our emotional world whereas women tend to be more
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which is why women tend to heal quicker in
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you know giving those situations more than men
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and a fun fact
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I don't know if it's true now
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but at one point it was true
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women on average speak 30,000 words a day
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men on average
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speak 10,000 words a day and if you think about therapy
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therapy is an exchange of words
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we heal through our words right
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so the more descriptive the more you can name something
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the more you can be truthful
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the more you can explore something
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the greater your healing will be
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and if you think that men only speak 10,000 words a day
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that tells you a lot about why we're not healed
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in the way that we should be
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you know yeah
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I totally believe that and I think it's a comfort level
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that you're not gonna talk and open up
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if you're not comfortable
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and so it goes right back to what you said about
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if being vulnerable is not okay
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then you can't go there
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absolutely and I think
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you know one of the things that I teach um
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Megan to men not even just young men
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and to people
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is that vulnerability is really a superpower
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it's a strength right
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and I think that we don't view it that way
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cause when we think about vulnerability
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we think about risk but we never think about reward
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you know think about this
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in order to be in love right
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you're risking getting your heart broken
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in order to have success you're risking having
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you know failure right
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but you concentrate on reward in those aspects
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we never think about that
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when it comes to our mental health
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or our emotional health the reward
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that we can actually get the help that we need
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you know yeah
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I think that's a great way to look at it
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I mean it's one of those things
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that you just don't really think about
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until someone points it out
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and then you're like oh yeah
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like that makes sense with everything in life
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yeah it does
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and I understand why men and
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and humans in general
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why we are afraid of vulnerability
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cause we've been hurt right
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we've been betrayed we've been
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you know what I mean we
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in spaces that we thought were safe
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and we found out they weren't safe
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so I understand it but you have to ask yourself
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does staying the way I am
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am I okay with staying in this pain
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in this turmoil or is it worth potentially
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I cannot feel this way anymore
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yeah
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and do you feel like the ego plays into that as well
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absolutely
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absolutely the ego
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you know
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and that's why a lot of times people don't get help
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a lot of men don't get help
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cause our ego like what
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there's nothing wrong with me
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and I often tell it's funny
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I tell you know
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wives I said like
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you know
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don't ever tell a man he needs this
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because it makes it seem like he's broken
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and that you're perfect and he's
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and everything's wrong with him
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and I you know
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I just think that it's important for us to
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you know come to a space of understanding
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that we're all struggling
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we're all going through we all need help
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we all want the same things
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you know what I'm saying like
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if you really think about it Megan
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we all want the same thing right
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okay so
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you often talk about
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unlearning unhealthy ideas about masculinity
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what does that mean and what does that look like
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oh gosh
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you know it you know
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I always remember growing up
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I would watch TV I watch the
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you know Golden Girls right
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and they always like
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I like the strong silent type right
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and now now that you're older
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you realize that the silence is what's killing us
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and so unlearning that we can't be verbal or vocal
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about what we're we're feeling
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is something that absolutely needs to be unlearned
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because I always say
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only what you confess can be healed
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and so as men we have to unlearn that
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we just gotta suck it up and keep it moving
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now there is a time and place
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and I think that's for everybody
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where you have to like
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kind of like put
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tuck your emotions away for a little bit
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so that you can get through
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what you need to get through
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but don't leave it tucked away
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address them experience them
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feel them process them
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and so like
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that's the one I mean
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there's many things
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but the first thing that came to mind is like silence
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no we need to talk about what we're feeling
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and that's the most important thing
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like
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I try to teach men how to develop an emotional lexicon
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because we're more than just mad happy sad
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there's so many ranges of emotions and feelings
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and experiences within that
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and so I think the biggest thing is for us
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as men to unlearn being silent
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yeah
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I know that for me even though I'm a woman
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that's super hard
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because the more upset I am about something
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the less I want to talk about it
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and so
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it is like an uncomfortable thing that you have to
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like you said figure out
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is it is it worth it
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is it worth the reward of healing
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to go through this un uncomfortable
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icky conversation that I don't wanna have
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but you know Megan
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honestly and that is the result of trauma that's
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you know that's built up over time
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when we get to a space of just uncomfort
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right cause I'm the same way
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but when I realized when I said oh Pervis
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you have to really spend time with yourself
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that's another thing too like us being introspective
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teaching men how to be introspective
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like not check in with yourself
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like Megan
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I struggled for a long time
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with people not keeping their word
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now obviously
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nobody likes that right
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people who not keep keep the
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but for me it was
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it was like gut wrenching
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and once I really sat with myself and explored
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I said Pervis
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why is this such a big deal for you
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I thought about when I was five years old
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my father said he was gonna take me fishing
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and he said I had to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning
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so I'm 5 years old Megan
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getting myself up at 4 o'clock in the morning
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my father did not come home that night
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he he would do that
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he you know
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my father had a drug problem and
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you know functional drug addict
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and things like that so sometimes he would be like
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amazing
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and then sometimes he would be absent and just weird
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and this particular time he didn't show up
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and I said oh
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that's the origin story of why I take it so personally
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that's so cool that you could figure that out
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I mean I think you're completely right
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like when you can figure those triggers
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like for mine
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I figured out I get afraid of being in trouble
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I don't wanna have a conversation
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if I think someone's gonna be mad at me
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oh
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and so it did take a lot to figure that out for myself
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and working with someone else
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like I didn't figure it out on my own
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I had to work with someone else
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and they had to get me there
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of what exactly is this trigger
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and it is I don't wanna be in trouble
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and it not necessarily like
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I'm gonna be grounded but like
12:45
somebody will be mad at me or
12:46
or yell at me or there's gonna be a conflict
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I always say Megan
12:51
that people often times don't confront
12:53
or tell the truth or really confront a situation
12:56
because they're afraid of that right
12:58
but not realizing that it's at our expense
13:01
yeah
13:01
cause you hold it in and then it festers within you
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and it it definitely is worse
13:07
yes
13:07
I relate it to like
13:09
and this just happens to fit the situation
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but I relate this to anything in life
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it's like doing the dishes
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you don't wanna do it so you put it off
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and then all of a sudden
13:19
it gets worse and it gets worse and it gets worse
13:20
and you stress about it and then when you finally do it
13:22
it's horrible cause it's built up where
13:25
if you would have just done it in the first place
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you would have had a relaxing
13:28
enjoyable day
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because you wouldn't have had to worry about it
13:30
it would have been easy
13:31
it would have only been one round of dishes
13:33
instead of four days worth
13:34
and so I always relate that to doing the dishes with
13:37
I mean you can apply it to anything in life
13:40
yeah no I
13:41
I told people that and
13:42
you know it's public
13:43
so like
13:43
I'm not shaming him
13:45
but I look at Will Smith and what he did to Chris Rock
13:48
I often tell people like that wasn't that moment
13:51
that was years in the making
13:55
that was years of not doing dishes
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you know what I mean
13:59
that was years of not doing the dishes
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and then all of a sudden you have this
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a room stacked full of dirty dishes
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and of course you're gonna explode
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and so that's the thing is like
14:08
I don't want any of us men or women
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and it's it even though my program is for young men
14:14
women attend the sessions as
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as well cause I want everybody to be healthy
14:18
and whole like
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I don't want us to have those experiences where we just
14:21
lose it and we snap when it could have been prevented
14:24
if we just would have dealt with the issue
14:27
as it occurred instead of suppressing it
14:29
oh I love that
14:30
I think that's so important
14:31
I mean men
14:32
they explode
14:35
we explode when we don't I will never forget this Megan
14:39
one time I
14:39
my first job in New York was in music publishing
14:42
and I grew up being bullied
14:44
I was bullied I was emasculated
14:46
I dealt with you know
14:47
sexual abuse like I
14:49
a lot of things growing up
14:51
and I remember my coworker
14:55
she just triggered me Megan
14:57
and I went completely off
14:59
almost kind of like Will Smith
15:01
but it wasn't her she didn't deserve that
15:05
who deserved it were the bullies
15:07
were the people who abused me
15:09
the people who emasculated me
15:10
and I took that one moment to take liberty
15:14
and that poor girl I apologized to her later I
15:17
I deeply apologized but she didn't deserve that
15:20
she did deserve something
15:21
some of it but she didn't deserve all of what she got
15:25
and so like
15:26
I can attest as a man if we
15:29
I mean just anybody
15:30
if you don't deal with your emotions
15:31
you're gonna explode period
15:33
yeah no
15:33
that makes total sense
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15:54
another thing I wanted to ask you about
15:55
is emotional fitness
15:57
and I feel like that kind of segues right into this
16:00
is like okay
16:01
so we realize the problem and the triggers
16:04
how do we then get the emotional fitness
16:06
how do we get there
16:07
well
16:08
I think one of the biggest things is it literally takes
16:11
I think 90 seconds to
16:13
like two minutes to experience a full emotion
16:15
right but think about it
16:17
we never allow to sit in that emotion too long
16:20
we either react rather quickly
16:23
because we're uncomfortable sitting in
16:25
in our emotions so
16:26
I think the first step to emotional fitness
16:28
is being comfortable sitting in uncomfortable emotions
16:33
I often tell people emotions are not good or bad
16:36
they're just emotions
16:37
they just earmark where you are on your journey
16:39
and being able to experience them
16:42
they subside
16:43
the intensity subsides if you sit in it
16:47
often times we avoid it because we're uncomfortable
16:50
and so therefore you know what I mean
16:51
by the time we do sit in it
16:53
it's like
16:54
erupted into something completely different
16:56
so the beginning of emotional fitness
16:58
is sitting in those emotions
17:01
no matter how uncomfortable they are
17:03
and then I think
17:04
the next point is identifying what really is happening
17:08
what really pissed you off
17:09
what really got you to this space
17:11
because you know
17:12
emotions are tricky like
17:13
for example anger
17:15
anger is a secondary emotion
17:17
the primary emotion is hurt
17:19
but then underneath hurt is disappointment
17:22
and underneath disappointment is expectation
17:26
so
17:26
if you can trace what was the expectation that you had
17:32
then you can get to the root of it
17:34
and then all of a sudden it's not as
17:36
as big as it was so
17:38
part of emotional fitness
17:39
is learning how to sit in uncomfortable emotions
17:44
and then also identifying what is the expectation
17:48
and being able to articulate
17:49
what it is that you're experiencing
17:51
because I say the more you're able to articulate
17:53
what you're experiencing you're able to be located
17:56
think about it you
17:57
you said you work with somebody right
17:59
they were able to locate that you felt like
18:02
I don't like to confront
18:03
or I don't like to have uncomfortable conversations
18:05
cause I don't wanna get in
18:06
I don't wanna get in trouble
18:08
they helped you to identify where that was
18:10
because you were able to articulate
18:12
so they were able to locate you
18:14
yeah and I'll tell you what I told her in the beginning
18:17
I'm fine I'm
18:18
I'm great I have no issues
18:19
I'm good
18:21
right that was not in fact true
18:25
but you were
18:26
through the course of talking yes
18:29
you were able to be located
18:30
yes
18:32
so that's so that's part of fitness
18:34
emotional fitness is being able to talk
18:36
so that you can be located
18:37
and you know
18:39
a lot of young men
18:40
it breaks my heart but a lot of young men say to me
18:43
like Pervis
18:43
I don't know who I am
18:44
yeah you know
18:45
that's a tough one it like
18:47
I got a lump in my throat now just thinking about it
18:51
because they haven't had a chance to really
18:53
part of who you are
18:54
are the emotions that you experience
18:56
you know what I mean part of
18:58
you understand what I'm saying
18:59
so it's like it's important that we everybody
19:03
human beings that we learn emotional fitness
19:07
that we learn how um
19:09
to name and identify and then learn how to process
19:13
and then you know
19:13
I always say emotional intelligence is really about
19:16
yielding a positive outcome
19:18
and a positive outcome could be
19:19
that you didn't cuss somebody out
19:21
or that you didn't scream
19:22
you know what I'm saying yeah
19:24
like you know what I mean
19:25
that you learn how to say OK
19:27
I feel this way right now
19:29
I'm really pissed about it
19:31
but I'm not gonna react
19:32
yeah and I love the way that you talk about like
19:35
the root of the emotion how
19:37
you know going all the way down to expectation
19:39
because I think that's such a light bulb moment
19:41
for so many people including me of
19:44
yeah it's not just face value
19:46
that's the emotion
19:47
there's several steps to get down to the trigger
19:50
not just one underlying
19:51
so I love the way you broke that down
19:54
yeah no
19:54
like when I discovered that
19:56
I said you know
19:58
when I was mad
19:59
when I thought about five year old Pervis
20:01
I was like oh
20:02
your expectation was
20:04
your father was supposed to keep his word
20:06
and take you fishing
20:08
oh that's what it is
20:10
you had an expectation even at five years old
20:14
we all have expectations
20:17
you understand
20:19
yeah and so like
20:19
getting down to that was like okay
20:22
this is what it is and it made me
20:24
it kind of freed me honestly
20:26
cause I didn't it helped me to forgive my father
20:29
obviously you know
20:31
in time but it helped me to understand like okay
20:34
I'm not crazy
20:36
you know there's a
20:37
there's a root to this there's a root to this
20:40
yeah it's funny how it all
20:42
it all works out and comes together
20:44
and we're more predictable than we think we are
20:47
we all think we're crazy or we're different
20:49
or we're unique but we're really all the same
20:52
no we're really all the same
20:53
and I think I often tell
20:55
I say if you can get down to the space of expectation
20:58
that helps you to understand okay
21:00
is this expectation realistic
21:02
is it unrealistic you know
21:03
then it then it becomes a you thing
21:05
and you become more accountable and
21:07
and less victimized right
21:10
and I think it's OK and I think it's OK to have
21:12
it's important to have expectations right
21:14
cause we can't just settle for anything
21:16
but I also think it just it
21:18
you reclaim your power
21:19
when you're able to get to that space
21:21
OK so my expectation just wasn't met
21:24
that's why I'm so pissed and what do you think about
21:27
like
21:28
verbalizing what your expectation is
21:30
to the other person maybe to
21:34
to advocate for yourself
21:36
I think that's also part of emotional intelligence
21:39
that's also yields that agency right
21:41
to say like yo
21:42
this is what I actually was expecting
21:45
and I think often times think about this Maya
21:47
people been mad at you people been mad at me
21:48
for expectation
21:49
that you and I didn't know anything about
21:52
yeah absolutely
21:53
and you can't figure out why they're upset
21:55
and then when they finally tell you it
21:56
it a lot of times is a complete miscommunication
21:59
of they thought you were doing or vice versa
22:01
you expected something and they were like oh
22:03
I thought you were doing that
22:04
or you know
22:05
whatever the situation is
22:06
absolutely and I think
22:07
but again that goes to a space that
22:09
we actually
22:10
don't have real conversations with each other
22:13
cause think about it in safety right
22:15
if our relationships are
22:17
our great relationships are to be safe
22:18
we should be able to communicate our expectations
22:20
to one another and I think
22:22
and I often tell people it's not one of those things
22:24
like here are my expectations
22:25
I think you have those conversations through discourse
22:28
I always say you massage your way to the truth
22:31
you know there's some people who are just like
22:33
straight shooters this is what I expect
22:35
which is you know
22:36
cool I
22:36
I respect that but oftentimes
22:38
you learn each other
22:40
through massaging your way to the truth and
22:43
and having conversations and even just hearing
22:45
like you could say to me like yeah
22:48
my expectation of her was just to do this
22:50
you know I did this
22:51
now I'm understanding that that's your expectation
22:53
you understand like
22:54
it doesn't always have to be this uncomfortable way
22:56
that we think you massage your way to the truth
22:59
interesting I like that
23:00
since it's Men's Health Month
23:02
and we're talking about men
23:03
what is a small
23:05
daily action that can help men build resilience
23:09
something they could start with
23:10
that might be a little more actionable
23:12
I always say name how you feel right
23:17
identify how you feel and always say to yourself
23:21
I'm going to get through this
23:23
I love that you're putting out that positivity
23:27
that this is gonna work
23:29
yeah I think the thing is
23:31
I always say when you
23:32
when you're dealing with mental health
23:34
you have to be on the offense
23:35
not the defense
23:36
cause you know
23:37
think about this man
23:38
you know somebody's gonna piss you off at some point
23:40
some point somebody's gonna make you mad
23:42
somebody's gonna trigger you
23:43
you already know this is gonna happen
23:44
we don't know when
23:46
do you understand what I'm saying
23:47
we know that life is going to happen
23:50
it will and so I think it's
23:51
I think it's important to know what you're working with
23:53
I always tell I teach this
23:55
I said you know
23:56
we have shadow and light but we yes
23:58
all too often
23:59
we focus on shadow and we never strengthen the light
24:02
or
24:03
we're never even familiar with the light that we have
24:06
and in you saying I'm going to get through this
24:09
you're already saying that I'm resilient
24:12
love that
24:13
I think that's so important
24:14
yeah absolutely
24:15
it's so important
24:15
so a lot of our audience are cancer patients
24:20
and so mindset is something that we preach hugely that
24:24
you know
24:24
it's hard
24:25
and you're gonna have days where it doesn't work
24:28
but if you can have a baseline of hope and yes
24:33
you know I'm gonna beat this
24:34
I am gonna do this like that it
24:36
it really helps
24:38
absolutely and I always say
24:40
like when you're building your mental health journey
24:43
right I
24:44
I say if I offered you a skyscraper on sand
24:47
would you take it or would you take the one that's on
24:49
like concrete
24:50
like that's reinforced concrete
24:53
the reinforced concrete has to be the foundation
24:55
of knowing the light that you possess
24:58
and knowing your hope being your baseline
25:01
knowing that you have strength
25:02
knowing that you are resilient
25:04
knowing the light in you has to be your baseline
25:08
has to be your foundation
25:09
because mental you know life
25:11
life will life
25:13
yes haha
25:14
you know and it does
25:16
it does and so you have to know how to say like
25:20
I've gone through so many things in my life
25:22
and I I'm telling you man
25:23
I'll say like I'm gonna get through this
25:26
I don't know how but I'm gonna get through this
25:28
yes I always say that
25:30
yeah
25:30
it's so important just verbalizing it
25:32
you're putting it out to the universe
25:34
and that's the first step absolutely
25:37
your words can build worlds or they can tear them down
25:41
so your words are very powerful
25:43
so say I will
25:44
saying those are like
25:46
powerful statements I will get through this
25:49
yes 100%
25:51
I totally love that okay
25:53
so in line with that then if um
25:56
someone is hitting a breaking point stress
25:58
burnout loss
26:00
like I said we've got cancer patients
26:02
when they hit that hard thing
26:04
what's that first step
26:06
that they're gonna take towards the healing
26:08
when they're in that moment of despair
26:11
I think one of the biggest things I teach on
26:15
having a wellness toolkit right
26:17
I teach corporations to have a wellness toolkit
26:19
but we as individuals need to have a wellness toolkit
26:22
and part of the wellness toolkit
26:23
is identifying your lifelines
26:26
those are the people
26:26
that you can be your most authentic self around
26:29
they won't judge you
26:30
you feel safe identifying who those people are
26:33
immediately and share with them like Yo
26:35
I don't think i'mma make it through this today
26:36
I'm just having one of those days
26:38
I don't think i'mma pull through
26:39
even if you'cause the power of a secret
26:42
isn't keeping it it's not the secret itself
26:45
so if you feel like if you're feeling shame that day
26:48
if you feel you know
26:49
in keeping the shame that's the power of it
26:52
you know when you confess it
26:53
it lose it loses its power
26:56
and so like
26:56
I think the first step when a person is in despair
26:59
going through burnout is contacting a lifeline
27:04
I love that and say it
27:05
yeah
27:07
yeah yeah
27:08
I know who
27:09
who is your person who's your person
27:12
and you could have and you could
27:13
and I always say like
27:14
have several right
27:15
they could be your therapist
27:16
they could be your pastor
27:17
they could be your friend
27:19
cancer patient it could be the doctor
27:21
it could you know
27:21
but identify somebody where you feel safe to say like
27:24
this is what I'm feeling right now
27:26
it is so
27:27
there is so much power in just confessing
27:30
what you actually feel
27:31
yeah and get it off your chest
27:33
get it off your chest
27:35
so when men are in this place
27:36
and maybe they don't know how to ask for help
27:37
how can their friends
27:39
or their partners support them through that
27:43
you know one of the interesting things I tell people is
27:45
like when you yourself are on your healing journey
27:48
when you're healing you become attractive
27:51
and I don't mean it like sexually attractive
27:53
meaning like
27:54
people are drawn to you
27:55
and people get curious you know
27:57
man I notice you
27:59
you're not you're showing up a little bit differently
28:01
like there's something different about you
28:03
what's what's
28:04
what's going on what's happening
28:05
then you say yeah
28:06
I've been in therapy
28:08
yeah I've learned
28:09
you know I'm learning
28:10
so I always say
28:12
if you always be on your healing journey
28:14
while you're encouraging somebody else to be on theirs
28:17
yeah I mean
28:17
it makes sense they always say
28:19
you know confidence is
28:20
is attractive
28:21
and so I think when you are confident and
28:24
you feel healthy you feel good
28:25
you're happy you are gonna draw people in
28:28
and they are gonna notice
28:29
maybe you're standing up a little taller
28:31
yeah I always say
28:33
that is the most important thing
28:34
we could ever offer anybody
28:36
offer anyone is our healed
28:38
whole self our healing whole self
28:42
and so like
28:42
I always say stay on your healing journey
28:45
especially
28:45
while you're encouraging others to be on theirs
28:47
like my sister for example
28:48
I'm the oldest but my sister
28:50
she's been on her healing journey
28:51
and I've been like Yo
28:52
I noticed you show up a little bit differently
28:54
she's like yeah
28:54
I've been going to therapy
28:55
she's like yeah
28:56
I like she
28:57
I know she doesn't get mad about certain things
28:58
I noticed that she's very calm when we have like
29:01
discourse and we have disagreements
29:03
she's so much I was like
29:04
I called her I said Jocelyn
29:05
I'm so impressed that you didn't go off
29:08
she was like yeah
29:09
I learned that my anger issues...
29:11
I was like oh
29:13
you know yeah
29:15
well the first step is recognizing that you
29:18
that you have that trigger in the first place
29:19
and what it is you know
29:20
like we're talking about in the beginning
29:22
if you can see it then you can do something about it
29:25
but if we don't see it then we're just reacting
29:28
absolutely
29:29
I think just letting somebody know
29:31
that you'll be there for them
29:32
cause you know
29:34
we're fragile
29:36
men are fragile we're really fragile
29:39
and I
29:40
I know I'm probably gonna lose my man card
29:42
but we're really fragile and so you have to like
29:46
be very ginger about that
29:48
so if it's like Yo
29:49
I'm here for you just
29:51
I'm here
29:53
heal you know
29:53
go on your healing journey
29:54
I'm here when whenever you need me
29:56
that's it
29:56
yeah so it's so important
29:58
cause you're giving them that safe space of I'm
30:00
I'm just here so I think that's huge
30:03
I think knowing somebody's always there
30:07
it's something it's like
30:08
you know they
30:09
when we're children our parents right
30:11
not saying our parents are perfect
30:12
but we weren't as afraid to do certain things
30:14
cause we knew our parents would be there for us
30:16
yeah you know
30:17
it's the same thing definitely
30:19
it's your safety net it's your safety net
30:22
yeah I love that
30:23
okay
30:24
so we are an advocacy group
30:26
and one of the things that we really promote
30:27
is getting checks so a yearly dilated eye exam
30:31
or checking our physical body for cancers
30:34
things like that
30:35
how can men check in on their emotions in the same way
30:39
what can they check to kind of say hey
30:41
I'm I'm doing okay
30:43
or oh
30:43
maybe I need to talk to someone
30:45
introspection has to be intentional
30:47
it has to be intentional
30:49
and the thing about introspection
30:50
that makes it so amazing to me is like
30:53
it's a deep dive into your life experience
30:57
and I always compare it to an archaeological dig right
31:00
you know I love the History Channel
31:01
you know they
31:02
they're um
31:03
excavating uh
31:05
ancient ruins
31:06
and you find artifacts and you find treasures right
31:10
treasure is like the light
31:11
and artifacts are like
31:12
the information as to why you show up
31:14
the way you show up
31:16
if we as men do that more intentionally
31:20
we will know to say like Yo
31:21
I'm not good let me go get help about this
31:25
instead of what men often do
31:27
is we work ourselves to death
31:28
or we you know what I mean
31:30
or we yes uh
31:31
find unhealthy coping mechanisms that could be drinking
31:34
drugs sex
31:34
all type you know what I mean
31:35
just all types of craziness
31:37
um but
31:38
if we can be more intentional
31:39
about spending time with ourselves
31:41
because here's the thing
31:43
on this human plane the most important relationship
31:46
we have is with ourselves
31:49
yeah true
31:50
you understand do you understand what I'm saying
31:52
so I don't wanna
31:52
I don't wanna bump into a 43 year old man who's like
31:56
I don't know myself
31:57
cause he hasn't spent time with himself
31:59
so that's why I'm getting these young men at 17 18
32:02
19 years old like no
32:03
you need you need to know who you are
32:05
you need to spend time with yourself
32:06
so if men can be intentional and set aside time
32:09
even if it's like yo
32:10
how am I feeling
32:12
why do I feel this way and just sitting with yourself
32:15
and not being uncomfortable
32:17
normalize spending time with yourself
32:20
love that so
32:21
instead of self medicating and pushing everything down
32:24
we're gonna we're gonna dig it up
32:26
we're gonna dig it up we're gonna dig it up
32:29
and and here's the thing
32:30
here's the thing about it
32:32
this is the most important thing
32:33
you look you introspect
32:35
you engage in introspection
32:36
through the lens of curiosity
32:38
not through the lens of judgment and shame
32:42
I think that's the most important part right
32:44
there is no judgment no judgment
32:47
no shame cause we all done things that we're like ugh
32:50
I don't want nobody know about that
32:52
sure you you
32:54
you understand what I'm saying
32:55
so it's like the curious be curious about yourself
32:59
not judgmental or shameful about your experiences
33:02
yeah oh
33:03
so important very
33:04
very important because that
33:07
that's a spiral you don't wanna go down no
33:10
because when you stay in a cycle of shame
33:12
shame tends to become our identity
33:14
which is why it's so evil
33:17
you know because it
33:18
you tend to take it on as an identity
33:20
like I am this
33:21
no no no
33:22
that's something you experienced
33:23
or that may have been something that you did
33:27
we all have done things that we
33:29
we're not proud of right
33:30
but it's not the totality of your existence
33:33
and so that's why it's important to
33:35
to look at it through the lens of curiosity
33:37
and not shame yes
33:39
so my person that I work with calls that faulty beliefs
33:43
when you say I am this
33:44
I am that you're not
33:46
those are faulty beliefs they're not real
33:47
you're creating it yeah absolutely
33:51
I like that faulty beliefs
33:52
absolutely faulty beliefs yep
33:54
okay and
33:55
you know some of them come from
33:56
like you said when
33:57
when you're a child is maybe
33:59
and maybe it was
34:00
completely innocent on your parents part
34:01
maybe they just were busy working one day
34:03
and they didn't watch you dance in the living room
34:05
and you got super offended
34:07
that can trigger a faulty belief of
34:08
I'm not good enough in that one innocent moment
34:11
that nobody really did anything malicious
34:13
and it was you know
34:15
surface level nothing
34:16
that can trigger that faulty belief
34:18
that then when you're 40 you're trying to figure out
34:20
where where does this come from
34:21
why do I think I'm not deserving of attention
34:23
or whatever it is no absolutely
34:26
I had a conversation with my father
34:28
I had a conversation with my father that
34:29
I was so grateful that I was able to like
34:31
talk to him about certain things
34:32
even at 24 I was like
34:34
had the wherewithal to ask him
34:35
and I thought
34:37
I was like daddy
34:37
you know
34:37
I thought you didn't like me because you always like
34:40
suck it up don't cry
34:42
and he was like son
34:44
he said I wanted you to be yourself
34:46
he said but I recognize the world is cold
34:49
oh he said
34:50
I just wanted to prepare you for life
34:53
yeah and he said
34:53
I absolutely love you and I like you
34:56
and I said that was like
35:00
so to your point
35:01
I had a hidden belief I had a faulty belief
35:03
thinking that my father didn't necessarily like me
35:06
it wasn't that at all
35:07
he just wanted me to be prepared for life
35:10
in the way that he saw it
35:11
you know yeah absolutely
35:13
and that's kind of like what we're talking about
35:14
with the expectation and the miscommunication
35:17
yeah yeah
35:18
whoof tough stuff man
35:20
we are we are getting deep today over here
35:23
yes hahaha
35:25
okay
35:26
speaking of healing and strength
35:29
how do you define strength today
35:32
and how is it different from what you were taught
35:35
when you were growing up what are
35:36
what are we looking at as our strength
35:39
yeah I thought
35:40
you know strength
35:41
was suppressing and keeping it moving
35:44
that's what I thought strength was
35:46
but today strength is being vulnerable
35:49
to say like yo
35:50
I don't have it
35:52
I don't have it today like
35:54
I'm not I'm not
35:56
I don't have 100% today I
35:58
I'm tired I
35:59
I feel weak I feel broken
36:01
I think that's strength today
36:03
being able to be honest
36:04
about what it is that you're experiencing
36:06
and not having any shame attached to it
36:08
I love that and
36:09
I actually feel like
36:10
people are way more understanding and forgiving of you
36:14
when you do say that you know
36:15
when you drop the ball
36:16
and you've not let on anything's wrong
36:17
people are like what is up with you
36:19
why did why did you not do what you were supposed to
36:21
or why aren't you at 100%
36:23
but when you can tell people hey
36:25
I'm struggling right now
36:26
they're way more likely to give you that grace and say
36:29
it's okay I got it
36:30
let me help you
36:32
or they can even say man
36:34
I'm struggling too yeah
36:36
or that
36:37
thank you for being brave enough to say something
36:40
yeah yeah
36:40
thank you for validating what I'm going through too
36:43
yeah and I think
36:45
you know validation is a huge piece of this too
36:48
yeah
36:49
everybody in some way shape or form even
36:51
even the billionaires cause
36:53
you know I've coached millionaires
36:56
celebrities they all go through it
36:58
just looks different
37:00
yeah absolutely
37:01
cause like we said
37:01
before we're all the same
37:02
we all have these same basic emotions
37:05
and you know
37:06
if you boil it down you know
37:07
you've said shadow and light
37:08
it's fear and love those are
37:10
those are our bottom base rock
37:13
like that's where we all start
37:15
so yeah
37:16
we we are the same
37:17
and we are living the same experiences
37:19
even though they they do look different
37:21
but those emotions they're all the same yeah
37:25
ooh emotion I
37:26
you know I say
37:28
oftentimes that emotions are not evidence of the truth
37:31
but they are the truth of our experiences
37:34
oh I like that
37:37
because think of you know
37:38
what I just said about my father
37:39
emotionally I thought that my father didn't like me
37:43
but then the truth was
37:44
he just wanted me to be prepared for this world
37:47
right
37:49
but emotionally the truth
37:51
that's what it felt like that was your truth
37:54
that was my truth so there's felt truth
37:56
and then there's the truth yes
37:58
oh that's so interesting
38:00
and you know
38:01
again with the miscommunications yeah
38:03
if you can talk and
38:04
and say the uncomfortable thing and open the dialogue
38:06
maybe you can figure out
38:08
that the conflict you're having with someone
38:09
is really a miscommunication
38:11
and maybe it's not even a conflict in the first place
38:13
I can say I have had friends and family members who
38:16
I've been on the sidelines
38:18
watching them fight and saying like
38:21
you know you
38:21
you guys are not fighting over the same thing
38:23
right and yes
38:25
when you're on the outside
38:26
you're like you guys are ridiculous
38:28
you you
38:29
you're not even talking about the same thing
38:30
what is this but when you're in it
38:32
you can't see it sometimes
38:34
absolutely absolutely
38:36
that's why I said like the
38:37
and often times again
38:39
like you illustrated it perfectly
38:41
even with couples often times
38:43
the fight that they're having isn't about that
38:45
it's about whatever
38:46
unaddressed thing you ain't dealt with
38:48
unaddressed thing she ain't dealt with
38:50
and it's colliding into this one moment
38:52
so it's about the dirty dishes
38:54
yes it's about the dirty dishes
38:56
it's about the fact that you came home at 10:00
39:00
and you didn't tell me where you were
39:01
you know what I mean like it's
39:03
yeah yeah
39:04
letting those things fester and they're gonna bubble up
39:07
yeah I think and
39:08
and you know
39:09
there's a connection with
39:11
you know letting things fester in illness
39:13
yes and you know what I mean
39:14
the psychosoma connection and
39:16
and that's also really the reason why we should do this
39:20
cause I want us to be as healthy as possible
39:22
you know like
39:23
this generation
39:25
cause we have technology and things like that
39:27
we're so dependent on technology
39:28
we're not really taking care of our health
39:30
as much as we should be we're having
39:32
we're arguing with bots online where
39:35
you know what I mean it's all this craziness happened
39:37
and it's like all that's connected to our health
39:41
that psychosoma connection is very real
39:43
oh it is very real
39:45
and that we have talked about that
39:48
and we definitely believe that line of thinking
39:52
because they will tell you right off the bat
39:55
stress is bad for your health
39:56
so if an emotion can negatively affect your health
39:58
an emotion therefore
40:00
should positively affect your health
40:01
so it's it is all related
40:04
absolutely that's my
40:05
my personal belief
40:07
no it's true
40:08
disclaimer I'm not a doctor
40:09
hahaha no no
40:10
but you know you know what's interesting
40:12
when I was um
40:13
when I was uh
40:16
bullied as a child I would get stomach aches
40:19
and you know
40:19
they say for kids
40:20
that's where kids store their emotions in their bellies
40:24
right and so I would have stomach aches often as a
40:27
as a child so I know for a fact that it's connected
40:31
that it you know what I mean
40:32
that that's a real thing
40:34
and I didn't feel safe
40:36
and I didn't feel safe to tell my mom or my dad
40:38
cause I didn't want to look
40:39
be perceived a certain way by them
40:40
and I didn't really tell you know what I mean
40:42
so I just kept it in oh yeah
40:44
that's tough
40:45
so Pervis
40:46
what is one belief about manhood
40:50
or health that you wish every listener would challenge
40:54
what is like a big misconception
41:00
that men don't have feelings
41:03
and that we don't have an emotional world
41:06
we absolutely have an emotional world
41:09
absolutely we absolutely
41:10
we feel a lot of things we just don't share it
41:14
we feel a lot of things
41:16
and that men that
41:18
we are harder on ourselves than you can ever imagine
41:22
there's a lot of pressure on men
41:24
I mean on
41:25
on women too
41:26
but it's different men's pressure is
41:27
it's a different kind of pressure
41:29
yeah I remember during the pandemic
41:33
you know
41:33
a lot of people couldn't work during the pandemic
41:36
and I was on I was on a zoom with a bunch of fathers
41:40
and they were they were just devastated
41:42
that they couldn't provide for their families
41:43
financially and I said to them
41:45
I said but you get to provide
41:47
you know emotionally
41:48
and they were like this like
41:50
deer in headlights I was like
41:52
but you can provide something
41:53
you can provide safety for your children
41:55
you can provide
41:56
attention and presence for your children
41:58
allowing your children to process and bond with you
42:01
in ways that you never got a chance to do
42:03
when you were working
42:05
right and so like
42:07
that moment that moment
42:09
they were like at the end of the conversation
42:10
they were like wow
42:11
I never you know
42:12
it was never even crossed their minds
42:15
um you know we
42:17
we want to do we want to provide
42:20
we want to be a we want to be known as a
42:23
as a good man every man regardless
42:26
wants to be known as a good man
42:27
I I think that there's a
42:30
so much put on men in responsibility and yeah
42:33
providing and you know
42:34
being the head of the house and leading and
42:36
you know those are all
42:37
kind of the stereotypes that are put on men
42:39
and that that is
42:40
that's a that's a big role to fill
42:43
absolutely and it
42:44
even if even if you like
42:46
for me like
42:47
my family looks at me like the black sheep
42:49
like I'm like this free spirited
42:50
that's a lot of pressure on me because it's like
42:53
no Pervis you should be doing this
42:55
you should have a 9 to 5 and you should be doing...
42:58
and it's like
43:00
but I'm being my most authentic self
43:02
and it's like I'm not in some of my family's eyes
43:05
I'm not allowed to do that cause
43:07
you know only
43:08
only only uh
43:09
girls can be free spirits
43:11
boys can't be free spirits
43:12
you know so it's a lot
43:15
it is it is
43:16
and it's funny because um
43:17
I think you know
43:18
you said free spirit but also creatives
43:20
I think a lot of women are
43:22
are thought of as like artsy and creative
43:24
but there are some amazing men who are
43:28
you know artists
43:28
musicians all the things
43:30
and yeah
43:32
they need that room to be creative too
43:34
because I'll tell you what I
43:35
I am a creative person
43:37
and when you try to put a creative person in a
43:41
a role of someone who's not a creative person
43:43
we don't function well
43:44
and I I will tell you
43:45
I can attest to that because
43:48
and I you know
43:49
yeah and I actually
43:52
I didn't beat myself up but I stressed about
43:55
I'm not structured enough
43:57
I'm not this enough I need to be more responsible
44:00
I why am I so flaky
44:01
why am I all these things
44:03
and then I realized I'm a creative
44:05
and I'm just a little I'm a little out there
44:08
and that's I need to play to my strengths
44:10
instead of trying to fit myself in a box
44:13
that is somebody else's strengths
44:15
absolutely and I think that's healthy
44:18
and I'm happy that you arrived there
44:20
I just arrived there I just recently as well
44:24
for me too and I'll tell you what it was
44:26
it was funny not to get like
44:28
too into the crazy woo woo or anything but um
44:32
I uh
44:34
took an astrology class just for fun
44:35
I didn't even know if I believed in astrology
44:37
but I was like this will be fun
44:39
and um
44:40
you have three signs not one sign
44:42
which I did not know
44:43
so your normal sign is your sun sign
44:45
and I am a Sagittarius
44:48
I I fit Sagittarius slightly
44:50
not really I
44:51
which is why I kind of
44:51
never really put anything into it
44:53
well you also have a moon and a rising
44:55
and I'm Pisces in both of those
44:57
and your moon is your emotion
44:59
and if you read a Pisces it is me
45:01
to a tee I am way more Pisces
45:04
it's water it's flowy
45:06
it's creative it's dreamy
45:07
it's romantic it's all the things I've always been
45:11
and it just not that
45:13
not to justify it but to understand it and then use it
45:18
yeah it offers insight
45:19
and to use it to my benefit
45:21
but
45:21
to have something that backed up why I'm the way I am
45:25
in a positive light was kind of huge for me
45:28
and again I didn't realize this until I was 40
45:31
but I was like oh
45:32
my gosh instead of just
45:34
you know looking at myself in a negative way of
45:36
I'm flaky and I'm not you know
45:38
structured enough and I can't remember things
45:40
look at it as I am very artistic
45:43
I'm you know
45:43
a free spirit I'm very you know
45:47
all these other all these other positive things
45:49
and so that was I think
45:51
just allowing myself to see myself differently and
45:55
and the the strength of what I could do
45:59
absolutely not and
46:00
and the same for me
46:02
I had somebody prophesied to me
46:03
and she said she said
46:05
you're a bird she said
46:06
you just she said
46:07
you just fly she said
46:08
people do not understand it
46:10
she said but you understand it
46:11
and I was like I do
46:13
she says you gotta stop beating yourself up
46:15
because you need to embrace that you're a bird
46:16
you just fly you fly
46:18
and she said it's not like you don't have success
46:21
and you don't have you know
46:22
all these receipts of success
46:24
and all these things you've done
46:26
but for you it's about the freedom
46:29
and I was like oh
46:31
my gosh you're right I
46:33
she said you'd rather
46:34
she said you structure
46:37
she said you
46:37
you crumble in structure that's me
46:40
I can't do structure I cannot do it
46:42
and you're a bird I'm a fish
46:45
I'm all water signs and flow
46:47
and I'm I'm a fish
46:47
I need to be just flowing in the tide and
46:50
and I and I thrive
46:51
and I can do amazing things
46:53
but you put me in a box with structure
46:55
and I like
46:56
I think I'm stupid and
46:57
you know it took me a lot of years to understand that
47:01
so anyone listening
47:05
please be inspired by what we're saying
47:07
of if you feel like you're just not measuring up
47:09
or you're just not enough
47:10
maybe you're just in the wrong box
47:12
maybe you're a bird or a fish or something else
47:14
yeah yeah
47:16
no absolute no
47:17
absolutely and I think
47:18
I think it's important that we
47:21
again know that we have shadow and light
47:23
you always learn to manage the shadow
47:26
but you learn to strengthen the light
47:30
and I think I think often times we're too
47:33
we're off we're too shadow focused
47:36
and we're not light focused
47:38
and I think when you when you are light focused
47:41
you discover more light
47:43
you discover more great things about you
47:46
you learn to manage that right
47:47
like yeah
47:47
I know I'm sensitive I know I have all these things
47:49
but all these things I have going over here
47:52
the light is so amazing and
47:53
you can achieve more from light
47:55
than you can from shadow
47:56
focus on the positive and what you can do
47:58
not all the things you can't do
48:00
and I think that that is huge
48:01
and allow yourself to find your strengths
48:05
and be who you are and not just
48:07
you know
48:08
society norms so yeah
48:10
from from two creative
48:11
crazy people over here not that you're crazy
48:13
but you know what I mean yeah absolutely
48:48
Pervis if you could give men one key message
48:51
for Men's Health Month what would it be
48:54
oh gosh
48:55
um
48:57
if I can give one message okay
49:00
this is something I often say to everybody
49:03
but I'll say to men
49:05
life happens to you but life happens from you
49:10
if you focus always on life happening to you
49:15
you become victimized
49:17
but if you focus on life happening from you
49:19
you become empowered
49:22
that's amazing so even though
49:23
so even though you may be struggling
49:25
and you may have real
49:26
legit issues and real legit diagnosis
49:30
there's so many people who have diagnosis
49:33
and they are thriving
49:35
you understand so what you tend to focus on matters
49:40
I've been through a lot of things
49:42
that I should be the world's biggest victim
49:46
but the things that have come from me
49:49
have overshadowed what I've experienced
49:51
yeah
49:52
it's up to you to take it and make something out of it
49:55
and you can you can have a victim complex
49:57
or you can make something great and help other people
50:00
and I love that you're doing that
50:03
and finding your way in that
50:04
and inspiring others to do that
50:07
thank you I
50:09
I don't want anybody to go through
50:10
what I've been through
50:12
up until a point right
50:13
life has been yeah
50:14
you know I've been okay
50:15
but you know
50:16
like just my my
50:17
my rearing my upbringing was so crazy
50:19
I don't want even if stuff if
50:22
even if you do experience
50:23
the things that I experienced are even worse
50:24
I want you to know that that's not the final
50:28
that's not the end all be all
50:30
there's more
50:31
if you continue to persist and become more resilient
50:35
things will open up for you I'm a witness
50:37
I love that yes
50:40
okay so where can listeners connect with your books
50:45
your coaching your upcoming projects
50:47
where can we follow you
50:49
I'm @PervisTaylor on all social media platforms
50:54
and PervisTaylor.com
50:56
P E R V I S T A Y L O R .com
51:00
and then before we close up
51:02
a couple more things
51:03
I'd like to ask you kind of quickly
51:05
um okay
51:06
what is one word that defines a healthy man
51:10
accountability oh
51:12
I love that um
51:13
that's great okay
51:15
and what is one daily habit that keeps you grounded
51:19
prayer
51:21
love that too
51:22
okay and what is a book or a mantra that you live by
51:26
what you focus on your body will follow
51:30
well you are just super inspirational
51:32
I love everything you've said
51:33
this has been so fantastic
51:36
so is there anything that you want to say
51:39
before we wrap up any final thoughts
51:41
this has been a wonderful conversation
51:44
I love what I do
51:45
healing is possible for all of us
51:48
healing is not a destination
51:50
it's a journey healing is
51:52
it isn't linear but it's continual
51:55
and I think that's important for people to know
51:57
like you heal for the rest of your life
52:00
and I just want people to know that
52:01
so it's not like you oh
52:03
I'm gonna I went to therapy for
52:05
for a month or six months
52:07
no you may be cool
52:08
but there'll be some more things
52:10
you know what I mean like
52:11
it's an ongoing process so it's not a
52:14
it's not a destination it's a journey
52:17
yes because as soon as you think you're good
52:18
something else will happen that'll trigger something
52:21
and then you'll realize either
52:23
you know yeah yeah
52:24
there's a whole another issue you weren't aware of
52:27
absolutely
52:28
oh I love that
52:29
alright well
52:30
thank you so much for being here
52:31
we really appreciate your time
52:33
and all of this wonderful knowledge
52:35
and we're just very very grateful for you
52:37
so thank you thank you for having me
52:39
I'm honored absolutely
52:42
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52:43
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52:45
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52:47
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52:49
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