Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / Getting A Divorce Lawyer To Protect Yourself? | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep496

Transcript

Getting A Divorce Lawyer To Protect Yourself? | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep496 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: When to get a divorce lawyer.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: The impact that impacts trust.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Carrying the load.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Manipulation boundaries and covert contracts.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: The emergency poop story.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Erectile dysfunction.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: When to get a divorce lawyer.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I have an exciting episode for you today.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm excited about that.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I get asked this all the time.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Most often, I'm actually being proactive, and then I find out that they got a lawyer, and I'm asking why they got a lawyer.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's the thing.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: By the time one of you is serving the other, you're done.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I think we can all agree, right?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's the that's the point.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't believe the changes are real, they're not gonna last.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's too little, too late.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so the other person wants to get a lawyer.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about each of you.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: The one who does the papers, does the paperwork and says, I'm actually done.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's over.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: That was me.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't go as far as paperwork, but I was I was the one that was on that path.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, that's right.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so here's the thing.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think that she was wrong.
• 1:02
  unknown: Okay?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because if we know sometimes you guys take me off the pedestal.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: If we know that you truly want to be with this person, you just feel hopeless, and therefore you're giving up.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're actually in the wrong against yourself.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I know some of you are gonna argue when it comes to abuse and all this shit, but then why are you listening to our podcast?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not saying stay where it's unsafe.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: What I am saying is most of you are making up the fucking abuse.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Go listen to some other episodes.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's nowhere near as bad as you think.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's just you're a fucking victim, and you just decide not to be the one being abandoned anymore because these changes aren't real, and so you decide to abandon first.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can protect yourself.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: That inserts in participation number two, second participant, who then wants to go get a lawyer.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Especially men.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: You fucking idiots.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: If your wife says, I don't trust you, your changes aren't real.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's what that means.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't trust you.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're not gonna last.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: That means I don't trust you.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then all you dumbasses go, fine, fine, you know what?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're right.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: I uh I should get a divorce.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: We should just do it.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're right.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's your nobility, you fucking idiot.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's not noble because you actually want to be with her.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you're a liar, she's not even noble, okay?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's all you pricks that are like, oh yeah, you know what?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: She that's just I can't, I can't get her, I gotta protect myself.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: How do you say, knowing she doesn't trust you, that I love you and I want to be with you, and say I'm getting a divorce lawyer or I got a lawyer?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: To protect me instead of us.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, forget that, but let's talk about that in just one sec.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: How do you say I want to be with you, but my actions say I don't want to be with you?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: You idiot, we already know she served you because she doesn't trust you.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: How if your actions and your your words don't align, how is that gonna get you what you want?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm calling you an idiot and a prick and a dumbass for a real reason.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I can't believe how many men I speak to on a phone call every week, deciding what can I do, what can I do, and you can't even draw your own conclusion that you're lying with one of them.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: One of them's one of them's the truth.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Which one is it?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be with you or the divorce papers are what I'm doing now?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Which one's the truth?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: How come men can't figure this out?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how do I have to point that out to like if I do 25 calls a week, it's a lot less now.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: If I do 25 calls a week and anybody in this situation, all needs to be taught that exact same lesson.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: You wonder why she doesn't believe your changes are real.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Doofus, go look at the last 10 years, 15 years, 25 years.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: How many times are you lying?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's the problem.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Whoever can count how many names Cass called in this episode and send them in will will win a prize.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: I can't tell you what that prize is gonna be.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead and count the names.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm serious because the ones that are in his mind too, count those.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: You guys act in desperation and fear.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: There's no such thing as protecting yourself.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: You have a fucking year in almost every state.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Did you even Google it?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Did you even try?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Did you waste a bunch of money to ask questions with a lawyer instead of just researching?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, literally, do what you say.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's the number one lesson of the day.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Victims be victim.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Victims be victim.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're just a dictum, because you're a dick.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're a victim.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: There's another name for you.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: I just think it's the dumbest thing.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: When to get divorce papers?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: What if you have to go because she's going all the way?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, can we talk about it when it's fucking time?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what are you doing to say to say and to show and to prove show not tell would be better that I want this life, that she's making a mistake.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, there is no perfect time to get divorce papers.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because you shouldn't be getting divorced.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: You should be taking responsibility for what you've done wrong.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I talked to a woman and a husband yesterday.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I love it when I talk to both of you guys.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's so awesome.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: The woman started to call with um, well, he said something and she yelled over him.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Why'd you tell the truth?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fucking done.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck you.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be fuck you until you stop cheating.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I met her.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not her name, nothing.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I met her.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And he'd been betraying her for like seven years in a row out of eight.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: I know why she's mad.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, listen.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: No kidding, I think everybody knows that.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think everybody understands that.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: But listen, you've literally allowed that to happen for eight years.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: So shouldn't you be mad at yourself?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: You have ended it a long time ago.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, especially if it started in the first year of your marriage or your relationship.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you think that the signs were there?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Flag after flag after flag, and now you're mad about porn because he's not fucking anybody?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like he's just going away.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: We never addressed the issue.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: A whole lot of problems here.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: A whole lot of problems.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: There's like 50 more I could give up.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like the call was wild.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what about this?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Connect this dot, connect that dot.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, granted, he needs to do the work first, I get it.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: But girl needs to understand, she allowed this to happen year over year over year, from physical betrayal to emotional betrayal.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I think that he needs to do the work first.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I think this is a prime example.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I'm not blaming for her for her husband being a shitty husband, but she could have done something differently a long time ago.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Correct.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Especially if they're following us.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like our story, I wish that I would have done it earlier, but I still did it.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: I still said, okay, I've been enabling this long enough.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want this behavior, I don't want this life, so you know who's gonna change it?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: I am.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I said.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: And and I took responsibility, and it's like it blew my mind.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: It blows everybody's mind.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's why you guys are following us.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I I disagree.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, he needs to make changes.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, his issues are the big ones that are on the forefront.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: They're the ones that we can blame for, they're the ones that we can get upset about.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: But if you allowed it to happen, saw it, swept it under the rug, forgave with no actual repair, no emotional intimacy, all kinds of things, get angry and make him afraid of consequences, push him into his coping mechanisms, which is exactly what he's doing now, by the way.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: He picked you.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't think he was gonna be cheating, he didn't think he was gonna be using porn, he didn't think he was gonna be betraying you.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: He thought that you were the one, and then it all fell apart.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: So is it your fault?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely not.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: But I disagree with he needs to be the one to change first.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we we're gonna fight because here's the thing he's on the call and wants change.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: She's on a call saying, fuck you.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: So he's the one that needs to change.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: So he's the one that's gonna have to change.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I really mean, okay?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: But if But maybe you should hold back on your fuck you's.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: I get that you're angry.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Your husband is acting like a POS.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: I get it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: But how long have you tolerated it and how long have you been acting like you acted on a public call with my husband?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: If you treat your husband that way in front of someone, how do you treat him and what are the shitty things you say to him?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so that doesn't help with healing, guys.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying that's it, it's I don't think it's either one of your faults.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: I think that all of these problems that we see in marriage, they grow from a tiny seed of whatever of your fucking own problems, your own issues, your own baggage, your own abandonment issues, your own bullshit.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So the real issue is you.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's the only thing that you can honestly.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: So the Because the moment that you start saying that the problem is the other person, you are destined to fail.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I mean, even on coaching calls, when we walk someone through a boundary and we are at the boundary stage for marriage, i.e.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: divorce, we still say, don't because you see people break down.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like break down if we see if we make that suggestion.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Whoa, whoa, we're not actually going for a divorce here.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it looks like.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: But we're gonna keep implementing what you've learned and we're gonna see if we can get them to realize it's time to take a step.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's all.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's uncommon, guys.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want that.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You never want a boundary, you never want to push divorce.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: You always want to take responsibility, but too many of you, I mean, I can't tell you how many uh I'm working with the women a lot more for Catherine.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And how many of the women, when they start to realize how much more responsibility they could take, just hearing from a different perspective, understanding what their husband might be thinking, and they're like, damn, I've been using Catherine's tools, but wow, if you're if my husband's feeling like that, then I haven't.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: We had one with the porn as well this week.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, wanting to, she did, she laid the boundary and then didn't leave.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: I just done a testimonial with her actually.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: And uh that was that this week?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was this call on Tuesday, but the week before I did a testimonial with her because this marriage is so great.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's this porn thing, this last thing that we can't fucking get him to stop.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And she does this on her own, she lays the boundary, says, I'm gonna go to my mom's house.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Wait a minute.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's the same background as when I was on a phone with you last week, which means you didn't go to your mom's house.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, No.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: She immediately knew where I was going.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: She broke down and started crying.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And she says, I didn't follow through.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: So this is exactly why it keeps going back to it.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, but the thing is, what we talked about was how we can repair the fact that she made a boundary when she doesn't need a boundary.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: She needs to love him, help him through it, lift him, support him.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I realize that the porn is hurting their marriage, that's his issue.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: But if you understand what Catherine teaches, she can lift him and not guilt him and shame him into going to hide behind porn or maybe pick the next one.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: And stop personalizing it.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: If your husband is using porn, it has nothing to do with you.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing to do with you.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: There might be a little bit where you know we can trace it back to disconnection, all those things, but it's still his problem.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing about that.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: When you start to really understand that it's not about you, that got several women breaking down on the call, actually.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're all starting to feel like they're carrying this burden.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Husbands, you do it too.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: You both are your own individual people.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a fucking divorce lawyer.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: You need to learn who you are with professionals who understand what you've gone through with the pain.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because otherwise, you're just like most of the people we talked on the phone who tried therapy, and you're literally tracing it back to childhood.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Who fucking cares?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want me to list, you know, I could do a week's worth of episodes and giving you everything my parents have ever done to me and how they hurt me.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Do you actually care or do you want the solutions?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So the solution is don't get a fucking divorce lawyer.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Follow through on you and lead your partner.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're either a better leader leading towards marriage, the new marriage that we talk about, or you're the follower and you're following them to divorce.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or you're leading them to divorce and you're a shitty fucking leader.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Grow up.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just fucking grow up.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Next.