Latest / The Parenting Podcast / The Parenting Tool You Can’t Ignore: Boundaries | Ep. 182

Transcript

The Parenting Tool You Can’t Ignore: Boundaries | Ep. 182 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Cheryl New: Boundaries.
• 0:08
  Cheryl New: We've hinted at them before, but today we're naming them and starting fresh.
• 0:14
  Cheryl New: Boundaries aren't about walls or saying no all the time.
• 0:20
  Cheryl New: They're about freedom.
• 0:22
  Cheryl New: Freedom to know what's mine to carry and what belongs to someone else.
• 0:29
  Cheryl New: In this first episode of our new series on Boundaries with Kids, Christie and I are laying the groundwork because the goal isn't perfect kids or perfect parenting.
• 0:41
  Cheryl New: Or perfect families.
• 0:44
  Cheryl New: It's healthy families that flourish.
• 0:55
  Cheryl New: There is something that I've been saying we want to get to.
• 0:58
  Cheryl New: And we've talked about it off mic and we've talked about it on Mike.
• 1:02
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 1:02
  Cheryl New: And I think it's sort of, it's the glue that kind of holds healthy parenting together and without it.
• 1:09
  Cheryl New: We're missing a critical component.
• 1:12
  Cheryl New: Oh, spill it Boundaries.
• 1:14
  Cheryl New: Yes.
• 1:15
  Cheryl New: And if you're a long-term listener, you know, we have referred to it, um, on a regular basis.
• 1:22
  Cheryl New: The core source is Dr.
• 1:24
  Cheryl New: Townsend and Dr.
• 1:24
  Cheryl New: Cloud's Gold Standard.
• 1:28
  Cheryl New: Work.
• 1:29
  0: Boundaries, boundaries, Uhhuh.
• 1:30
  0: And
• 1:31
  Cherylnew: over the years when I've met with people, when I've tried to figure my own life out, right?
• 1:35
  Cherylnew: I've talked to a number of counselors.
• 1:37
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 1:37
  Cherylnew: And I say, is there something better than this?
• 1:39
  Cherylnew: And they go, no, that's it.
• 1:40
  Cherylnew: Absolutely not.
• 1:40
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 1:41
  Cherylnew: And on my bookshelf at home, I have the old 1980s version.
• 1:45
  Cherylnew: Okay.
• 1:45
  Cherylnew: And, which was probably$5 or something, but it's the same truth.
• 1:50
  Cherylnew: They just updated it.
• 1:51
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 1:51
  Cherylnew: It's so good, Christie.
• 1:54
  Cherylnew: Mm.
• 1:54
  Cherylnew: And this is why I want us to take some time and do a couple of episodes on it.
• 2:00
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 2:00
  Cherylnew: Because like we say, we don't want a perfect family.
• 2:06
  Cherylnew: We don't want kids that turn out great.
• 2:09
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 2:10
  Cherylnew: We don't all that.
• 2:11
  Cherylnew: I would say the two words.
• 2:13
  Cherylnew: In my life for what I really want and what I'd like to promote here is that we have our, the beauty would be healthy families that flourish.
• 2:23
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 2:24
  Cherylnew: And so there's not this single answer, But actually I know in my life that.
• 2:30
  Cherylnew: When I really started to actually really start functioning mm-hmm.
• 2:36
  Cherylnew: In boundaries.
• 2:37
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 2:38
  Cherylnew: The healthiness of my own personal life.
• 2:40
  Cherylnew: The freedom that, that brought, skyrocketed.
• 2:43
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:44
  Christie: Well, and you say healthy families, flourishing, not perfect.
• 2:48
  Christie: Families flourishing.
• 2:49
  Christie: Absolutely, because I mean.
• 2:51
  Christie: The way that you see that you have good boundaries is in often in very hard circumstances, in areas of conflict or tension.
• 2:59
  Christie: So you know, we're not aiming for blissful, you know, perfect experiences with our kids.
• 3:06
  Christie: We're aiming to be healthy in those interactions, and in fact.
• 3:10
  Cherylnew: The reason I did not do boundaries for 95% of my life is kind of the opposite.
• 3:16
  Cherylnew: I didn't want to have conflict.
• 3:18
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 3:19
  Cherylnew: And I talk about it here.
• 3:20
  Cherylnew: I struggle with people pleasing.
• 3:22
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 3:23
  Cherylnew: And.
• 3:24
  Cherylnew: I wanted to be nice, right?
• 3:26
  Cherylnew: And so boundaries to me sounded like you have to do the mean thing.
• 3:31
  Cherylnew: You tell people, no, yeah, you don't help.
• 3:34
  Cherylnew: And it was all walls and saying no, right?
• 3:39
  Cherylnew: Instead of this beautiful life giving freedom, giving gift of what?
• 3:46
  Cherylnew: The doctors meant for boundaries to be.
• 3:48
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 3:49
  Christie (2): Yeah.
• 3:50
  Christie (2): And I, it's like you said, the gravy-glue of life that holds everything together.
• 3:54
  Christie (2): Proof of that is that they now have not just boundaries, but boundaries for marriage, boundaries for kids.
• 3:59
  Christie (2): Right.
• 3:59
  Christie (2): Boundaries for, you know, for work, all the different parts of life.
• 4:02
  Christie (2): And so it really is something that, um, we have to apply in our whole lives.
• 4:08
  Christie (2): And so it's focusing on us Yes.
• 4:10
  Christie (2): As the people that need the work.
• 4:12
  Christie (2): Not, this isn't necessarily a parenting technique.
• 4:15
  Christie (2): No.
• 4:15
  Christie (2): It's doing the inner work for ourselves so that we can be healthier people as parents.
• 4:21
  Christie (2): Exactly.
• 4:22
  Cheryl New: What I'd like to do is set, some,, groundwork here.
• 4:24
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 4:25
  Cheryl New: And then let's go through some of the things talked about in boundaries for kids.
• 4:29
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 4:30
  Cheryl New: And, then apply them in the subsequent.
• 4:32
  Cheryl New: Episodes.
• 4:33
  Cheryl New: Um, I, I wish I was articulate enough to explain the freedom mm-hmm.
• 4:39
  Cheryl New: That boundaries has brought me.
• 4:41
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 4:41
  Cheryl New: Because I, like I said, I didn't do it.
• 4:44
  Cheryl New: I did so much out of obligation.
• 4:46
  0: Yeah.
• 4:47
  Cherylnew: Because I thought I was supposed to.
• 4:49
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 4:49
  Cherylnew: This is what mom Guilt.
• 4:50
  Cherylnew: Mom Guilt or relation Friendship guilt.
• 4:53
  Cherylnew: Right.
• 4:53
  Cherylnew: Or daughter guilt.
• 4:53
  Cherylnew: People pleasing or friend guilt.
• 4:55
  Cherylnew: People pleasing and, well, that's what nice people do.
• 4:58
  Cherylnew: Right?
• 4:58
  Cherylnew: There was, uh, particularly an issue for me a few years ago with someone that I loved very much, and they made a choice and they weren't intentionally, they weren't even thinking about me, and they did something that made me feel very unloved.
• 5:13
  Cherylnew: Mm, very rejected.
• 5:15
  Cherylnew: And I was so hurt by it that I just said, well, I'm gonna build a big wall and I'll be real courteous and friendly, but.
• 5:23
  Cherylnew: They're never gonna get in to hurt my heart again.
• 5:26
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 5:26
  Cherylnew: Because this shows how much they don't care about me and they reject me.
• 5:30
  0: Yeah.
• 5:30
  0: And I
• 5:30
  Cherylnew: happened to have someone wise, who's happened to be there at the time and started processing this with me.
• 5:38
  Cherylnew: And said, uh, you have to understand this had nothing to do with you.
• 5:44
  Cherylnew: They were not considering you.
• 5:46
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 5:46
  Cherylnew: They were just making their own choices, living their own life, living out their own values.
• 5:51
  Cherylnew: And you took it personally?
• 5:52
  Cherylnew: Personally, yeah.
• 5:54
  Cherylnew: And the words that came to me at that point was, this is me.
• 5:57
  Cherylnew: This is not me.
• 5:58
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 5:59
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 5:59
  Cherylnew: And that's actually what boundaries sort of is Christie.
• 6:03
  Cherylnew: It sounds crazy to think I could be this old, and I'd never actually operated in this concept of the freedom to say, oh, you chose to have a birthday party and didn't invite me.
• 6:16
  Cherylnew: That isn't about our friendship.
• 6:17
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 6:17
  Cherylnew: But I don't take the rejection from it,
• 6:20
  0: right?
• 6:20
  Cherylnew: Because I'm not gonna get my identity from somebody else's choices, values, or, um.
• 6:28
  Cherylnew: Actions.
• 6:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:29
  Christie: Does that make sense?
• 6:29
  Christie: It does, it does.
• 6:31
  Christie: Well, before we get much further, you dabbled a little bit on what boundaries is not, but tell That's'cause I'm really used to that.
• 6:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:37
  Christie: Well, and so give us like a good concise definition of what we're gonna be talking.
• 6:43
  Christie: Like how, in the context of this topic do we define boundaries?
• 6:46
  Cherylnew: Okay.
• 6:47
  Cherylnew: When I talk about boundaries.
• 6:49
  Cherylnew: They're invisible lines.
• 6:51
  Cherylnew: These are not like property boundaries.
• 6:53
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 6:54
  Cherylnew: Uh, not like don't go in the street.
• 6:56
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 6:57
  Cherylnew: Those should be rules.
• 6:58
  Cherylnew: Yes.
• 6:58
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 6:58
  Cherylnew: That's rules.
• 6:59
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 6:59
  Cherylnew: Okay.
• 6:59
  Cherylnew: So it's invisible lines in relationships that let us know what belongs to us and what belongs to someone else.
• 7:08
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 7:08
  Cherylnew: Okay.
• 7:09
  Cherylnew: But again, we're not talking about, um.
• 7:12
  Cherylnew: My cup or your dog, right?
• 7:14
  Cherylnew: We're talking about our feelings, uh, choices, our responsibilities, and then the actions that go with all of those.
• 7:22
  Cherylnew: Um, and we have to be careful, like what I was going to do.
• 7:26
  Cherylnew: They're not walls that keep people out, but they're guides that help make our relationships healthier.
• 7:32
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 7:33
  Cherylnew: When we're functioning in boundaries, it lets me own what is mine without taking over what is yours.
• 7:40
  Cherylnew: Oh, that's good.
• 7:40
  Cherylnew: And, and then they create space where there's grace, It's space where love and responsibility can actually grow.
• 7:49
  Cherylnew: In our relationship.
• 7:51
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:51
  Christie: Does
• 7:52
  Cherylnew: that make sense?
• 7:52
  Christie: It does.
• 7:53
  Christie: And, and it's, you know, making me think that when we're carrying something that somebody else's, when we're taking that on for ourselves Yeah.
• 8:03
  Christie: Or we're putting our own emotions on someone else.
• 8:07
  Christie: That's not love.
• 8:09
  Christie: No.
• 8:09
  Christie: Like you said, it feels like, oh, you know, loving people do the nice thing and are always, always kind.
• 8:16
  Christie: But that, that does help so much to kind of start to separate those things a little bit.
• 8:22
  Christie: And
• 8:23
  Cherylnew: for example, you and I both have a car.
• 8:26
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 8:27
  Cherylnew: We have to take ownership of our car.
• 8:29
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 8:29
  Cheryl New: And so that means I have to change the oil.
• 8:31
  Cheryl New: I have to keep up and take care of it.
• 8:33
  Cheryl New: And in this case we're saying, let's take.
• 8:36
  Cheryl New: Ownership of ourselves.
• 8:39
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 8:39
  Cheryl New: Not just our physical bodies, but again, it's our emotions, our behavior, our choices and consequences.
• 8:46
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 8:46
  Cheryl New: So that you are taking ownership of yours and I'm taking ownership of mine.
• 8:52
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 8:53
  Cheryl New: And then we're free to love each other.
• 8:56
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 8:57
  Cheryl New: When I struggled with this so much and, and a situation came up recently, and.
• 9:04
  Cheryl New: I felt the burden of obligation.
• 9:06
  Cheryl New: Oh, and that's what I've carried around in relationships.
• 9:09
  Cheryl New: I'm naturally a very nurturing person.
• 9:13
  Cheryl New: relationships are huge.
• 9:15
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 9:15
  Cheryl New: Like you talked about values, relationship is a core key value for me.
• 9:20
  Cheryl New: But it was unhealthy because I did so much out of obligation.
• 9:25
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 9:26
  Cheryl New: And so I was in a situation, I was struggling with it when this,
• 9:29
  Cherylnew: boundaries
• 9:30
  Cheryl New: this is me, this is not me, had begun to be a part of my life.
• 9:33
  Cheryl New: And there was something I didn't feel like I wanted to do.
• 9:37
  Cheryl New: I didn't feel like I should.
• 9:38
  Cheryl New: I felt like it was, the other person should take ownership of it, but I felt so bad about myself.
• 9:44
  Cheryl New: What a terrible person.
• 9:45
  Cheryl New: That I'm gonna tell this person no.
• 9:48
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 9:48
  Cheryl New: And I had a wise person.
• 9:50
  Cheryl New: Again, this is why I say encircle yourself with wise people.
• 9:53
  Cheryl New: Yes.
• 9:54
  Cheryl New: I had a wise person listening to me and she said, Cheryl, do you realize the freedom it gives everybody else?
• 10:02
  Cheryl New: If they know you're gonna draw boundaries.
• 10:05
  Cheryl New: 'cause then they are free to say, Hey, could you do this for me?
• 10:08
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 10:09
  Cheryl New: And they don't think, oh, she's always gonna take, um, obligation.
• 10:13
  Cheryl New: She's always gonna do it.
• 10:14
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 10:15
  Cheryl New: We have so much freedom in our relationship.
• 10:17
  Cheryl New: It's grace that you could say, sure.
• 10:19
  Cheryl New: Cheryl, I'll do that for you.
• 10:21
  Cheryl New: Or no, I can't.
• 10:22
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 10:23
  Cheryl New: And so I know Christie, I can ask you things and you will tell me no if it doesn't work.
• 10:28
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 10:28
  Cheryl New: Instead of living this.
• 10:32
  Cheryl New: Tango of obligation and rejection or resentment.
• 10:36
  Cherylnew: right?
• 10:37
  Cheryl New: right?
• 10:37
  Cheryl New: We're free to have this open ownership of our own, uh, emotions and lives, choices, values.
• 10:44
  Cheryl New: I can be in a relationships with someone whose core values.
• 10:48
  Cheryl New: Are diametrically opposed or very much against what I hold true.
• 10:53
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 10:53
  Cheryl New: And valuable.
• 10:54
  Cheryl New: And I'm free.
• 10:55
  Cheryl New: Mm.
• 10:56
  Cheryl New: Because I don't have to take their values.
• 10:57
  Cheryl New: They don't have to take mine, but we can still be in a really open, great relationship.
• 11:02
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 11:03
  Cheryl New: So this is why I'm passionate about boundaries.
• 11:05
  Christie: That's so good.
• 11:06
  Christie: Can you give me like a, um, I'm, I'm a visual thinker, so I need like an illustration.
• 11:13
  Christie: So can you give me kind of a.
• 11:15
  Christie: A visual to take a word picture that could help illustrate this even more.
• 11:20
  Cheryl New: Well, I'm thinking of two.
• 11:22
  Cheryl New: Um, one would be, think of a really big donut.
• 11:27
  Cheryl New: and we could use these with kids.
• 11:28
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 11:29
  Cheryl New: And it has a really big hole on the inside.
• 11:31
  Cheryl New: Maybe more like an inner tube, like a truck, inner tubes.
• 11:34
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 11:34
  Cheryl New: Where they have a big hole on the inside, but it's a donut on the outside.
• 11:37
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 11:38
  Cheryl New: And so the.
• 11:39
  Cheryl New: Let's say, The donut on the outside is, uh, is blue, which is nice.
• 11:43
  Cheryl New: Blue's a nice color.
• 11:45
  Cheryl New: But the inside, let's paint it green because green is forgo.
• 11:49
  Cheryl New: Okay?
• 11:49
  Cheryl New: And so the inside is me.
• 11:53
  Cheryl New: What I should own.
• 11:55
  Cheryl New: my actions, my values, um.
• 11:58
  Cheryl New: My choices, behavior consequences, and that's mine.
• 12:04
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 12:05
  Cheryl New: And then, and there's a real thick line on the inside surrounding that.
• 12:11
  Cheryl New: And then on the outside, the outside donut is all yours.
• 12:14
  Cheryl New: Mm.
• 12:15
  Cheryl New: So for example.
• 12:19
  Cheryl New: A child has gone to school or they've gone to a meeting and they knew to take their backpack.
• 12:25
  Cheryl New: They had it, and it's a repeated problem in their life.
• 12:27
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 12:28
  Cheryl New: Let's say not just an off and.
• 12:30
  Cheryl New: They call, Mom, I didn't bring my notebook to school, or I didn't bring my backpack, would you go home and get it for me and bring it?
• 12:37
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 12:38
  Cheryl New: If I'm trying to teach them ownership of their choices and consequences, then I look at the inside my green and go, no, that's not for me to do.
• 12:49
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 12:49
  Cheryl New: And so, no, I'm sorry.
• 12:51
  Cheryl New: That's your responsibility you are to take ownership of that, not me.
• 12:55
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 12:56
  Cherylnew: See, see to the old me that goes, so that sounds so harsh and unkind, like you're not serving.
• 13:02
  0: Right.
• 13:02
  Cheryl New: But I'm saying I have a bigger picture than just serving and helping all the time
• 13:06
  Cherylnew: I wish I could articulate this the way Townsend and Cloud do.
• 13:10
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 13:10
  Cherylnew: I'm trying to, that's why they have multiple books on this.
• 13:12
  Cherylnew: That's why.
• 13:13
  Christie: And podcasts,
• 13:14
  Cherylnew: they have like an
• 13:15
  Christie: entire university or something that's on boundaries, right?
• 13:18
  Christie: Okay.
• 13:19
  Christie: I I, I think I have like a little bit of a silly thing that might be a good picture of it.
• 13:24
  Christie: Well, my silly brain goes to say, you, you had illness like food poisoning from pickles and somebody brings you, you know, a.
• 13:35
  Christie: A dish with pickles in it and offers it to you, and you're just repulsed by it.
• 13:40
  Christie: Well, you had a bad experience that you bring to the table.
• 13:44
  Christie: It has nothing to do with that woman in her dish that had pickles in it.
• 13:47
  0: That's right.
• 13:47
  0: And
• 13:48
  Christie: I mean, that's a silly one, but it's, it's like that emotionally where yes, you may respond to somebody's actions in a certain way because of your own.
• 13:56
  Christie: Um.
• 13:57
  Christie: Way of processing your own experiences, your own preferences and values.
• 14:02
  Christie: But that person, if that, I mean, that wasn't their intention.
• 14:05
  Christie: That's right.
• 14:06
  Christie: Is that kind of what you're saying?
• 14:07
  Christie: Well,
• 14:07
  Cheryl New: and for example, one of the mistakes I made is not wanting my children to have negative emotions.
• 14:15
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 14:16
  Cheryl New: Or me, because negative emotion are bad.
• 14:19
  Cheryl New: right.
• 14:19
  Cheryl New: And, our goal is to be happy people, Uhhuh and so.
• 14:23
  Cheryl New: when we would talk about things and if y'all listen, you know, we had all kinds, hours and hours of conversation, but in the end or towards the end, if they just said, Well, I don't think anybody loves me or I'm really sad about that, or that makes me feel rejected.
• 14:40
  Cheryl New: And then they're taking ownership.
• 14:42
  Cheryl New: That's their green feelings.
• 14:46
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 14:46
  Cheryl New: And then I would come in and go, no, don't feel that I love you.
• 14:52
  Cheryl New: Don't feel sad.
• 14:53
  Cheryl New: Don't feel unloved.
• 14:55
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 14:55
  Cheryl New: So I was coming in and saying, don't take ownership of how you really feel.
• 15:00
  Cheryl New: Let me come in and give you better emotions and you should feel this emotion.
• 15:03
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 15:04
  Christie: You're projecting your own That's right.
• 15:06
  Christie: Issue on them.
• 15:07
  Christie: Right.
• 15:07
  Christie: You know, don't feel that way because that makes you uncomfortable.
• 15:12
  Cherylnew: Yes.
• 15:12
  Cherylnew: And I wanted everything fixed and it doesn't fix everything.
• 15:15
  0: Right.
• 15:16
  Cheryl New: Taking ownership is powerful.
• 15:18
  Cheryl New: Like that relationship situation earlier, I felt rejection.
• 15:23
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 15:24
  Cheryl New: But then when I started going, wait, they weren't even thinking about me.
• 15:28
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 15:29
  Cheryl New: And instead of wallowing in the rejection or shutting it down, when I looked at it, I realized they weren't intending to reject me.
• 15:38
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 15:38
  Cheryl New: They were just living in their donut of what their choices and plans were.
• 15:42
  Cheryl New: And I cut a big hole in it, let it bleed all over me, it's just so much healthier.
• 15:48
  Cheryl New: When we can take ownership of our emotions, our choices, and so forth, and not project them on anybody.
• 15:54
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 15:54
  Cheryl New: Or not take them on ourselves.
• 15:56
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:57
  Christie: That really broadens my idea and perspective of what boundaries are.
• 16:02
  Christie: I think a lot of times when I, I've thought boundaries in the past, it's like just saying no to everything.
• 16:08
  Christie: Right.
• 16:08
  Christie: And and that was, you know, kind of my response a lot of times is I would just.
• 16:12
  Christie: Just say no, just no, we're not doing that.
• 16:14
  Christie: We're not doing this.
• 16:15
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:15
  Christie: That's too hard.
• 16:15
  Christie: That's too complicated.
• 16:16
  Christie: It's too messy.
• 16:17
  Christie: Um, or just being rude.
• 16:20
  Christie: You know, sometimes it feels like boundaries is just like never offering to help and never being there for people, and, and it feels.
• 16:28
  Christie: Unkind and insensitive.
• 16:30
  Christie: What, what other things do you think are misconceptions of boundaries?
• 16:34
  Christie: Like what are, what are boundaries?
• 16:35
  Christie: Not
• 16:37
  Cherylnew: what did I think they were all my life.
• 16:38
  Cherylnew: Uhhuh.
• 16:38
  Cherylnew: I like that last one you said.
• 16:40
  Cherylnew: I, I think about some people that I know that operate real well in boundaries.
• 16:44
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 16:45
  Cherylnew: And actually I've learned to realize how much freedom I have with them because they will actually say no.
• 16:51
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 16:51
  Cherylnew: Um, they're servant hearted, kind, giving people.
• 16:55
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 16:56
  Cherylnew: But when I say, oh, by the way, I couldn't get all that done, would you do that for me?
• 17:00
  Cherylnew: Right.
• 17:00
  Cherylnew: And they just go.
• 17:01
  Cherylnew: No.
• 17:02
  Cherylnew: Um, you know, right.
• 17:03
  Cherylnew: No, I'm not gonna do that and, and not rejecting, not my circus, not my monkeys.
• 17:07
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 17:08
  Cherylnew: But saying, no, that's your responsibility and I'm not supposed to step in and do it.
• 17:13
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 17:14
  Cherylnew: It makes me think
• 17:14
  Christie: of the Bible verse that says, God loves a cheerful giver.
• 17:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:17
  Christie: Like we should give out of, you know, the prompting that we want to.
• 17:21
  Christie: To do those nice things, not out of obligation.
• 17:24
  Christie: Like you said, obligation is the big thing.
• 17:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 17:26
  Christie: Okay.
• 17:26
  Christie: Or how like, oh, I've gotta take this meal to these people.
• 17:29
  Christie: They had a baby, you know, instead of, oh, how excited.
• 17:32
  Christie: I, I want to go bless them and be sweet to them because they're my friend and I care.
• 17:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:36
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:37
  Cherylnew: Um, also, um.
• 17:39
  Cherylnew: I think rules are a lot of it, a lot of people think boundaries are just thick lines of protection.
• 17:46
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 17:46
  Cherylnew: And lots of rules.
• 17:48
  Cherylnew: You can't do this, you can't do that, you can't do this, you have to do this.
• 17:51
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 17:52
  Cherylnew: And where I see it extremely nuanced because.
• 17:56
  Cherylnew: Like when I was given that list early about emotions and choices, consequences, a lot of that, that doesn't have to do with do this or don't do that, or physical things.
• 18:08
  Cherylnew: Mostly it's in relationships and how we interact with people.
• 18:12
  Cherylnew: That's where boundaries need to come.
• 18:15
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 18:15
  Cherylnew: Rather than, this was my doll that your doll or.
• 18:19
  Cherylnew: You know when we used to not have seat belts and our parents would draw invisible line right in the backseat and say, don't cross that line, Uhhuh, Hey, cross my line.
• 18:30
  Cherylnew: That's not what we're talking about here.
• 18:31
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 18:31
  Cherylnew: We're talking about relationship because if I could phrase anything, I would say healthy boundaries, make healthy relationships.
• 18:39
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 18:40
  Cherylnew: And for parents, it's not a power grab another way to really control.
• 18:45
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 18:46
  Cheryl New: Um, and it's not an excuse to withdraw from conflict because see, that's what I would do.
• 18:51
  Cheryl New: I would withdraw from conflict but not draw boundaries.
• 18:55
  Cheryl New: And so now I'm not withdrawing for conflict.
• 18:57
  Cheryl New: I just go, this is where the boundary is and I'm not crossing it into your donut.
• 19:03
  Cheryl New: And again, it's so nuanced.
• 19:05
  Cheryl New: One size doesn't fit all.
• 19:07
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 19:08
  Cheryl New: And what is a boundary between one person is not another because this is me.
• 19:13
  Cheryl New: This is not me.
• 19:14
  Cheryl New: Uh, fluctuates in life.
• 19:18
  Cheryl New: But I really think what I'm trying to say is if we can get the concept across and parents begin to grab onto it, then we can start kind of putting feet to it.
• 19:27
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 19:28
  Cheryl New: And then we can start having families that have boundaries in place.
• 19:34
  0: Yeah.
• 19:34
  Cherylnew: And that we're learning boundaries.
• 19:36
  Cherylnew: as of a way of life for example, I would now never tell my children don't feel that way.
• 19:43
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 19:43
  Cherylnew: Even angry.
• 19:44
  Cherylnew: Uh, not to tell a child no, don't feel angry.
• 19:49
  Cherylnew: I might say it's okay to feel angry.
• 19:51
  Cherylnew: I can understand you feel angry, but we're not gonna hit our sister.
• 19:54
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 19:55
  Cherylnew: See the hitting the sister, that's where the boundary goes.
• 19:57
  Cherylnew: That's the boundary.
• 19:58
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 19:58
  Cherylnew: You can't speak to the me that way.
• 20:01
  Cherylnew: You know, you can be really angry at me.
• 20:03
  Cherylnew: You don't like what I'm doing, you reject me, but.
• 20:07
  Cherylnew: I'm not gonna allow you to speak to me that way.
• 20:09
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 20:10
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 20:10
  Cherylnew: And that's what I'm talking about.
• 20:12
  Cherylnew: That's where the boundary is in the emotional relationship mostly, but it plays out in other things.
• 20:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:19
  Christie: This is really helpful.
• 20:20
  Christie: Um, I think it's,.
• 20:22
  Christie: Talking about taking ownership and responsibility for yourself, and it frees other people up to take responsibility for themselves.
• 20:30
  Christie: And that has to be one of the most responsible things we can do for our children, is to model that and and bring them up to grow into owning their own responsibilities and relationships.
• 20:42
  Cheryl New: Absolutely, and that's why I feel.
• 20:45
  Cheryl New: A little tongue tied trying to present this.
• 20:48
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 20:49
  Cheryl New: Because having read and looked at a lot of doctors Townsend and Clouds material and trying to live it out, it's such a big concept to explain well on the everyday level.
• 21:03
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 21:03
  Cheryl New: Um,
• 21:06
  Christie: This whole time, I've been thinking of this time that we had company coming over, so I'm asking my kids to help clean, you know, I gave them all tasks.
• 21:13
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:13
  Christie: And one of my daughters was tasked with the living room and it was just, I think they'd been making forts.
• 21:18
  Christie: So there's blankets and couch cushions and everything all over the place.
• 21:21
  Christie: I know it well.
• 21:22
  Christie: And I came back in thinking she should have been finished with her task and.
• 21:28
  Christie: I walk in and the room is still a mess.
• 21:29
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:30
  Christie: But I look over, she had spent that entire time Alphabet typing our whole bookshelf and putting them in nice, neat order and she was so proud of her work.
• 21:41
  Christie: Yet we're a few minutes away from company getting there and the living room is still a mess.
• 21:45
  Christie: And I'm thinking of that as a really pretty good picture of boundaries of when you're meddling in other people's emotions and carrying the weight of other people's things, you're not taking care of.
• 21:56
  Christie: Of your own self.
• 21:58
  0: Right.
• 21:58
  Christie: And then, you know, there could be another layer on that if, if the bookshelf was somebody else's responsibility.
• 22:03
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:04
  Christie: So the illustration could play out pretty well, but I'm just thinking of that in relationship.
• 22:09
  Christie: You know, if we're always meddling and everyone else's and we're taking on more, then we need to, then we're really not stewarding our own selves well at all, because something has to get neglected.
• 22:19
  Cherylnew: Oh, I like that word steward.
• 22:21
  Cherylnew: We use that word a lot here.
• 22:23
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 22:23
  Cherylnew: And that's exactly right.
• 22:25
  Cherylnew: I think.
• 22:26
  Cherylnew: Uh, I know I'm not overplaying the importance of it.
• 22:29
  Cherylnew: Yeah.
• 22:30
  Cherylnew: I've seen what it's been in my life and I see the healthiness that it brings to any relationship where I see it happening.
• 22:37
  0: Mm.
• 22:38
  Cherylnew: So listeners, you want to get the book Boundaries with Kids.
• 22:42
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 22:42
  Cherylnew: Because it'll be so much better than what we can articulate here.
• 22:46
  Cherylnew: Right.
• 22:47
  Cherylnew: But I thought what we can do is kind of lay some groundwork like this and then we could go through and kind of, he has I think like 10 principles and we could take some of the principles, talk about'em, and then see how it would play out.
• 22:59
  Cherylnew: So we can put feet to this.
• 23:01
  Cherylnew: So we go, yeah, Cheryl.
• 23:02
  Cherylnew: Okay.
• 23:03
  Cherylnew: We're kind of tracking with you all.
• 23:05
  Cherylnew: Mm-hmm.
• 23:05
  Cherylnew: But how do we.
• 23:06
  Cherylnew: Do it.
• 23:07
  Christie: Right.
• 23:08
  Christie: Okay.
• 23:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:09
  Christie: No little, little book club.
• 23:10
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:11
  Cherylnew: Okay.
• 23:11
  Cherylnew: Hey, thanks so much and thanks for having me.
• 23:15
  Cherylnew: Okay.
• 23:15
  Cherylnew: Parents, remember, hang in there.
• 23:18
  Cherylnew: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 23:23
  Cheryl New: Boundaries may sound like rules or restrictions, but remember, they're really about freedom.
• 23:30
  Cheryl New: Freedom to know what's mine to carry and what's not.
• 23:35
  Cheryl New: Freedom to love without resentment.
• 23:37
  Cheryl New: Freedom to teach our kids responsibility without shame.
• 23:42
  Cheryl New: So this week, ask yourself, where am I carrying something that isn't mine?
• 23:49
  Cheryl New: Where do I need to step back and say, this is me, this is not me.
• 23:56
  Cheryl New: And parents.
• 23:56
  Cheryl New: Remember, boundaries aren't harsh.
• 23:59
  Cheryl New: They create space where love can grow.
• 24:03
  Cheryl New: Every time you practice a small boundary, saying no without guilt, letting your child feel a consequence, naming your feelings, honestly, you're planting seeds of health in your home.
• 24:18
  Cheryl New: We're just beginning this series.
• 24:20
  Cheryl New: Next time we'll dive into the first principles from Boundaries with Kids and what it looks like to help our children own their feelings, choices, and actions.
• 24:31
  Cheryl New: Don't miss it.
• 24:33
  Cheryl New: Oh, and I'd love to hear from you.
• 24:35
  Cheryl New: You can reach me at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or connect with us through our website or social media.
• 24:44
  Cheryl New: Let's keep the conversation going.