Latest / Relationship Talk Thursday / I Must Be Perfect In Order to Be Loved

Transcript

I Must Be Perfect In Order to Be Loved · Relationship Talk Thursday

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad relationship expert Love Mix Pearson is here
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  Speaker 1: with me for Relationship Talk Thursday. It's like a reunion
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  Speaker 1: happening here in this space.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, I love this reunion.
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  Speaker 3: And it's Rachel Thurston. Reunite it. Okay, that's- She's back
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  Speaker 3: with that song again. I don't know. We got to
• 0:15
  Speaker 3: come up with another song, okay? Love Mix Pearson. Not
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  Speaker 3: on the playlist, huh?
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Train up a child, cutting to the core to heal
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  Speaker 1: your inner child.
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  Speaker 3: Brand new book from Love McPherson.
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  Speaker 1: She's been with me since the beginning of this month,
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  Speaker 1: and we will continue throughout the rest of this month
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  Speaker 1: talking about her brand new book. We want to talk
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  Speaker 1: about perfection, the perfect mate. And you said that this
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  Speaker 1: book really is about parenting yourself, not parenting a child,
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  Speaker 1: but parenting yourself as an adult. Yes, parenting your inner child.
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  Speaker 2: And it's so important that we go back and find
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  Speaker 2: out not just what we experienced in our childhood, but
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  Speaker 2: what we interpreted as those experiences to mean and the
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  Speaker 2: strategies and the responses that we have mastered in order
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  Speaker 2: to manage them. All three of those things are very important.
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  Speaker 2: And on this one, we are talking about perfectionism. We
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  Speaker 2: want to discover what kind of childhood created a perfectionist
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  Speaker 2: type of a person. And it's not always going to
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  Speaker 2: happen like this, but this is kind of some of
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  Speaker 2: the things that can create that. One of the things
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  Speaker 2: is if you had a childhood where, you know, I
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  Speaker 2: mentioned this, I think maybe on the first week I
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  Speaker 2: talked about how, uh, uh, Your experiences as a child
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  Speaker 2: does not always come from, oh, I was molested or
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  Speaker 2: abandonment or reject. It doesn't have to always be like that.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes it can be something really positive like praise. Sometimes
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  Speaker 2: it can be where your parents brag about you or
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  Speaker 2: they're living vicariously through you and putting the pressure on
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  Speaker 2: you like that.
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  Speaker 3: And you see the glow. Children see the glow sometimes.
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  Speaker 2: They see the smile that you have. And once they
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  Speaker 2: see that, because they're always looking for survival, they see that,
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  Speaker 2: they think, okay, if I just do things perfect, it'll
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  Speaker 2: make my mom happy. And maybe you're a hard worker,
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  Speaker 2: but you find joy in your child, what they're doing.
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  Speaker 2: So what ends up happening or now that's one thing
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  Speaker 2: that could also be a very critical parent who everything
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  Speaker 2: that happens, they're very.
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  Speaker 3: Critical about it.
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  Speaker 2: I've had kids who they said I would clean my
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  Speaker 2: room perfect and my mom would come in.
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  Speaker 3: It was perfect. Perfect.
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  Speaker 2: And she would scoop the lotion bottle two inches over
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  Speaker 2: on my dresser. She had to find something.
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  Speaker 3: Wow.
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  Speaker 2: And so what we find and we come to the conclusion,
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  Speaker 2: especially the child, is I'm not enough. I must be
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  Speaker 2: perfect in order to be loved. And if you feel
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  Speaker 2: like you have to be perfect in order to be loved,
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  Speaker 2: that is literally anti the total foundation of our spiritual.
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  Speaker 3: Walk because God's love is all about grace.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. And so what we find is we don't have
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  Speaker 2: the experience of giving grace. We don't give ourselves grace.
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  Speaker 2: We have graceless relationships in our marriages, in our friendships,
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  Speaker 2: in our jobs. And so to be in graceless relationships
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  Speaker 2: where you don't have the ability to look beyond somebody's
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  Speaker 2: fault and see their need, you don't have that ability
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  Speaker 2: to then what you find is there is conflict. So
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  Speaker 2: the people around you never feel like they measure up.
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  Speaker 2: And so you've got to go back and re-examine what
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  Speaker 2: that child, the interpretation of that child, what they came
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  Speaker 2: back with and say, is this truth? Because your little
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  Speaker 2: child will lie to you. Because the Bible says when
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  Speaker 2: I was a child, I spoke as a child.
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  Speaker 3: I thought as a child.
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  Speaker 2: I reasoned as a child. But when I became a man,
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  Speaker 2: I put away childish things. We have to put away
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  Speaker 2: childish things in order to have a healthy relationship. Otherwise,
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  Speaker 2: we are just immature in our relationships and led and
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  Speaker 2: guided by a six or seven year old. Wow.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: Relationship Talk Thursday.
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  Speaker 1: Love McPherson, relationship expert, is with me with a brand
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  Speaker 1: new book called Train Up a Child. Today's session or
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  Speaker 1: show is about that perfect mate. Maybe you grew up
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  Speaker 1: with your parents praising you, or maybe you grew up
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  Speaker 1: with your parents criticizing you and that spilled over into
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  Speaker 1: your adulthood and now you seek perfection and grace is
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  Speaker 1: out the window.
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  Speaker 3: In a sense.
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  Speaker 1: So how does this show up in a relationship, Love McPherson?
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  Speaker 2: What you'll find is that the spouse that you are
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  Speaker 2: in a relationship with, you will see that they never
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  Speaker 2: feel like they measure up. Why? Because what you focus
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  Speaker 2: on magnifies. So you will literally only see their faults.
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  Speaker 2: And what does the Bible say? Love keep no record
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  Speaker 2: of wrong. And so what you can't do is focus
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  Speaker 2: on the wrong of your mate. And so what you
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  Speaker 2: will see is defeated mates. But this is the trick
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  Speaker 2: to that. Because my mother always said marriage is a
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  Speaker 2: relationship building, a character building factory. What you'll find is
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  Speaker 2: people will attract themselves to people who speak.
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  Speaker 3: Their own inner voice to them.
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  Speaker 2: So literally, even though you have a mate who is
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  Speaker 2: constantly critical of you, pay attention to what you say
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  Speaker 2: to yourself.
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  Speaker 3: Pay attention to your own harsh voice towards yourself. Man, love,
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  Speaker 3: you stupid.
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  Speaker 2: Man, why did I do that? Are you able to
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  Speaker 2: forgive yourself? Are mistakes determined as what you did or
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  Speaker 2: who you are? Do you become a mistake when you
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  Speaker 2: make a mistake? Are you able to bounce back? Because
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  Speaker 2: if you don't, guess what? If somebody comes to you
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  Speaker 2: and they're telling you how special you are, oh, you
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  Speaker 2: are amazing. Let me tell you, that will not match
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  Speaker 2: the context of your heart. And therefore, you will look
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  Speaker 2: at them kind of sideways like, what's wrong with them?
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  Speaker 2: You know, They kind of weird. You'll make excuses to run. Why?
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  Speaker 2: Because you don't believe them. You have never taken the
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  Speaker 2: time to see who you are. So people will be
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  Speaker 2: able to see you better than you see yourself. God
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  Speaker 2: will see beyond you. God will see your potential. God
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  Speaker 2: will see who you are. And you won't see who
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  Speaker 2: you are. And therefore, you will live beneath who you are.
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  Speaker 2: So what happens is when both mates, that will help
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  Speaker 2: you to not deal with yourself.
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  Speaker 3: You know why?
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  Speaker 2: Because you'll be so busy dealing with your mate. They
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  Speaker 2: talk to me any kind of way. They don't believe it.
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  Speaker 2: They say this. And I say this. Are you asking...
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  Speaker 2: your mate to give you more than you give yourself?
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  Speaker 2: Are you asking them to fill in the gaps for
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  Speaker 2: the stuff that you won't even fill in? What do
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  Speaker 2: you say to you? Let's forget about what they see
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  Speaker 2: for a second. What do you say to you? What
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  Speaker 2: do you say to you when you make a mistake?
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  Speaker 2: How do you feel about yourself? What do you take
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  Speaker 2: home when you did the whole program correctly and you
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  Speaker 2: made one name incorrect?
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  Speaker 3: What do you take away?
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  Speaker 2: Do you take away the negativity bias of that one thing?
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  Speaker 2: When you post a whole thing on social media, everybody
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  Speaker 2: is saying, oh, this was so profound.
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  Speaker 3: I love it.
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  Speaker 2: And then one person gets on there and says something negative.
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  Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden you are down and
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  Speaker 2: out because one person criticized it because it wasn't perfection,
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  Speaker 2: because they pointed out something that they feel is a mistake.
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  Speaker 2: How are you able to bounce back? How are you
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  Speaker 2: able to do that? And then if your mate says, well,
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  Speaker 2: I guess that.
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  Speaker 3: See, you take it.
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  Speaker 2: No, you took their side because you decided to entertain
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  Speaker 2: the negativity.
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  Speaker 3: Because why? You've been entertaining it since childhood. Where can
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  Speaker 3: the healing start with this? Real quick, tell me that.
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  Speaker 2: The healing has to start immediately. As soon as you
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  Speaker 2: stop and pause and look at yourself. And sometimes you
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  Speaker 2: may not be able to see it.
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  Speaker 3: Why?
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  Speaker 2: Because it's been normalized. So you might have to seek
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  Speaker 2: some outside help. You might have to seek some therapy
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  Speaker 2: and some counseling in order for some.
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  Speaker 3: People to point it. But when you see it, don't
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  Speaker 3: be defensive. Don't push back.
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  Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: Receive what has been revealed to you and then move
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  Speaker 2: towards some of the steps in reparenting, which is this.
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  Speaker 2: Start nurturing yourself. Whatever you find is an area that
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  Speaker 2: needs developing, then take the time and patience. Because what
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  Speaker 2: has to happen with a child, a small child? They're
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  Speaker 2: learning to walk again. You've got to be patient.
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  Speaker 3: They're going to fall. But that's okay. You failed. One-year-old fallen.
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  Speaker 3: You don't beat them up.
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  Speaker 2: You don't badger them. You reparent them with patience and love. understanding, nurturing,
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  Speaker 2: and believe in them.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, good stuff here.
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  Speaker 1: You can read about it in the book, Train Up
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  Speaker 1: a Child, Love McPherson, her brand new book, Love Is
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  Speaker 1: With Me, every Thursday in October. Love McPherson, somebody wants
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  Speaker 1: this book.
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  Speaker 3: What do they need to do?
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  Speaker 2: Well, then what you do is you go to shoplovemcpherson.com. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: that's S-H-O-P, shoplovemcpherson.com.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: And if you miss any of the show, make sure
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: you follow Inspiration 1390. We're going to put it up
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: as a podcast so you can Hear everything that went
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: down inside Inspiration 1390 with Lud McPherson.