Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 81. Excruciatingly Beautiful: When Joy and Grief Collide in Motherhood

Transcript

81. Excruciatingly Beautiful: When Joy and Grief Collide in Motherhood · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart That Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: No judgment and certainly no perfection.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let's dive in.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, friends.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another week.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Grateful to have you here with us.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sitting on the floor in my bedroom today, not in our normal recording space.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: We have extra kiddos home today, some that got called off work, and just making things work.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: But sitting here in the light of the beautiful sunshine streaming through my window and just gonna come today with just a mom heart conversation.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't really have a script in front of me, a couple notes scribbled down about just a topic that I have been talking to quite a few other moms about in the last several weeks and have been walking through myself again, another time, another season.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And just feel like it's a conversation that we should be having more often and more transparently with one another.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I can say that walking into these specific stages that we're gonna talk about, I don't feel like I was well prepared.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like there had been great conversation with women before me that had gone through this.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like it was something we read a lot about and just feel like it's important enough just to have a heart-to-heart conversation about it.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I have to believe that there's a lot of listeners who are moms and potentially some dads that are feeling something very similarly for sure.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I know that dads also feel this, but specifically as women and as moms, I think it's a topic that we really should be addressing a little bit more.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it's this whole concept of this tension of joy and grief and the moments in motherhood that are both stunning and amazing and also really painful.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I think sometimes there's a lot of guilt associated when we feel that the grief or the pain part, we we feel like we can't talk about it because we should just be so happy.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Our kids are doing so well, they're launching, they're going into new things, and yet there's a part of us that has a definite sense or feeling of grief and pain.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember putting words to this for the first time, probably the strongest I have ever felt it as a parent was when we were sending our oldest off to college.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that we've talked about that here on the podcast, but I remember being somewhat paralyzed and in a real state of grief for about really started that final senior year of high school.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Our daughter was a junior during COVID.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so there was a lot of feelings just about things there that were being lost, then coming into senior year, knowing that everything was the last.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: You feel like you're in this pressure cooker of it's the last first day of school, it's the last holiday break, it's the last dance or sporting event or all these different things.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And everything feels like it's excitement, so much excitement and pride and joy for the things that your kid is experiencing and doing, and you're seeing with your own eyes, them growing up and maturing and becoming these young adults, but also sitting right on top of it is this grief and this pain.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember this for us now, this was almost six years ago, this stage of man, this feels a lot more uncomfortable for me than I thought it would, almost to the point of panic in some situations.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I recall a Sunday afternoon where we were probably a couple months out from her leaving to go to college.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And Sunday afternoon, I really wanted to take a nap, but something in me was like, don't sleep, because those are a couple of hours that you should be sitting with her or watching a movie with her.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And there's no time for you not to be soaking up every single second of awake time with her.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew in the moment that was also being a little bit ridiculous, but it was a true indicator of how my mom heart was feeling, knowing that this big letting go was right around the corner and trying to soak up every single moment.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I think there was also a little bit of shame and something that made me stay a little quieter or made me afraid to really vocalize.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I think some of that is the outside voices that come at us.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I had several people that said, oh, it's not that bad or it's not a big deal.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're making way too much of this.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Don't cry about it.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's time for them to leave.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's everything you've worked for, it's all good.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think sometimes these voices, too, they tell us you shouldn't be feeling this much emotion, or this is just exciting.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: There shouldn't be pain with it.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Get over it, move on.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is good.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is how life happens.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think some of that also made me go into my shell.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: We made it through.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: We took her to college.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: The day itself was all the things that you would expect, a lot of joy.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then walking away, she's crying, I'm crying, my husband's crying, the kids are crying.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: I cried the whole way home.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: I walked right into her room and did the whole recognize what was and what is now.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I sat on the back deck with a glass of wine and cried.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: My sister brought over dinner.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I cried.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: The next morning, I cried.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Then that next week, when my son was setting the table for dinner and he set five places out at the table and realized what he'd done and he broke down crying.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I cried.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was definitely a process.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, we made it through.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, beautiful things happened.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, she soared.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I adjusted.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, the family dynamics settled it and we figured it out.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, as time went on, it became a natural routine and it was fine.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was fine.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Just so many other times in parenting where we feel like this feels like I'm suffocating.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And we get through it and we're fine because that's ultimately how we know life works, right?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: We work through these difficult seasons, these difficult transitions, and we always make it to the other side, maybe not perfect, but we absolutely get through and we recognize within time it's all gonna be okay.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it was in this season where I was trying to explain to people what it was that I was feeling.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I just struggled.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I struggled to really put words to it.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember one day specifically, it hit me.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I finally have the words to explain what it is that I'm truly feeling in this moment right now as a parent, in this unbelievable pride of my daughter has done so well.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: She excelled in school, she excelled in sports, she's gone on to do the things that she wants to do.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: She's playing a college sport, she's thriving, she's making good friends, she has good morals, she's making good choices, all these things that there's so much to be proud of.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And also so much that I'm grieving.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And she's grieving when a kid goes to college, right?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of grief that happens there.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it was in this moment that I was hit with the phrase, and I just felt like it was the only thing that really explained what I was feeling.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it was this is excruciatingly beautiful.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: The time that I most in my parenting journey felt two emotions that so contradict each other: excruciating and beautiful, literally sitting side by side.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And in that moment, I had such a piece of going, you know what?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible for these tensions of these two things that are so different to literally sit side by side at the exact same time with equal parts playing into the everyday emotions.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And there are absolutely other times when we go through this.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can think about all of the different times where there have been seasons of your children growing up, and we'll go into this here in a minute, where you have felt this.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, that was the first time that I felt it as intensely as I did in that moment.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so just in accepting that and hearing that and feeling so validated just by that phrase that I believe the Lord put it into my head, that phrase of Nikki, this is excruciatingly beautiful.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's all of the things that you're feeling at the exact same time.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't need to feel bad about the ones that you're feeling.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to hide some of them.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to pretend through some of them.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to just push through and ignore some of them.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay for you to recognize that it is all of these things.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: I experienced it again this last week.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: My youngest, my baby, my boy, 16 years old, got his driver's license.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it was another one of those catch your breath and pit in your stomach, like a little bit, I don't want to say identity crisis because that feels so extreme.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: But again, we're gonna talk about some of the reasons why it makes us feel that in a second.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: But just that moment of the same way that the first going off to college a little bit took my breath away.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: These moments of my baby doing these things.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're all licensed drivers.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: There's no more kids that are totally dependent on me to get where they need to go.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's a season of releasing what once was the only thing I knew.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: So that sweet boy, he came home, he got his license.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: It was a Wednesday morning.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And Wednesday night, he wanted to drive to youth group.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And we caught some cute video.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I made a reel of it last week.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it's me like just holding on to him in the foyer.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're ready to go.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: I believe in you.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You are so capable.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're an amazing driver.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: You've shown us that you're responsible.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And yet everything in me wants to crawl into the car and drive you to youth group and pick you up from youth group because I'm just not ready to give up this season of what I have known now for 23 years of parenting, which is people who are dependent on me, that need me, that have me side by side in the car to have conversations with.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I know the things that this stage represents that I'm letting go of, that I'm releasing, that I'm moving on from.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then I was also on a girls' trip and just in talking with women in my same stage of life and talking about different decades and parenting and hearing this same tone of there are just seasons that are hard, that when we talk about them, they just they provoke us to tears, even just thinking back to when we were walking through those stage, or for some that are in it and processing that.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I just feel like it's a conversation that we need to do a better job just being honest and transparent about.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so I jotted down a couple of things why I think this happens, why I think we have this feeling as moms.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then a couple of things that I think we need to lean into as parents who are letting go or loosening the grip at all different stages of parenting.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so the first thing that I think it happens because of is because attachment is God's design, the way that he made mothers and fathers to care for and shepherd their children and that role and responsibility that is wrapped up in this close-knit family ideal that the Bible talks about.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Teaching and training up our children in the way they should go.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And teaching and training up isn't passive, it's very active, it's very involved, it's very hands-on.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's sitting next to, and it happens for years and years and with so much intention that this attachment that we have, again, specifically for the moms who are more in that interaction all day, every day with our children.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: When we have to start moving away from that or moving back from that, it's difficult because they always say the hardest goodbyes are the most precious goodbyes.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because when a goodbye is super, super hard, a college goodbye or any of these other goodbyes that we say throughout parenting, it's because love is deep.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Goodbyes that are not hard are goodbyes that don't have really tightly attached heartstrings and connections.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Those ones are easy.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Those are like, hey, see you later.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Good luck.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I know some parents probably feel like that's how they send their kids off to college.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: You have totally given me a run for my money.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Go with God and good luck.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that there's those situations, and everybody's experience is going to be a little bit different.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: And there doesn't need to be guilt in that situation, in the same way that there doesn't need to be guilt in a situation where somebody is really struggling and grieving what is.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's difficult because attachment is God designed and it's how He made us, specifically parent and children.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing is because I think that every single milestone that we go through when we're releasing a little bit of control, when we're letting go of the grip, when we're taking a step back, each one of those are a small goodbye to what we know is eventually coming.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you can look at the series of parenthood and you can look at all these different things that were really difficult for you.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: We, my husband and I work in the children's department at our church.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: One week out of the month, we oversee the children's ministry for a couple of services.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: And just recently, a dear friend of ours who has not left their baby much at all over the first year of their life, they decided that they were going to do this and they were gonna leave their baby.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: And as the mom handed me her son, who is just a gem, so special to us, she had tears in her eyes.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: And as she walked away, I knew she was in this place of maybe in that situation, a little bit more excruciating because it just felt so hard.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: But also the beauty of my kid is growing and they're capable and they're gonna learn and they need to be without me.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: But just this small goodbye of loosening the grip that starts with you are a hundred percent you and that baby when they come home from the hospital or when you give birth.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it's this slow release from that point forward.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so it could be the first time you're sending them to the nursery.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: It could be the first time they're going to school.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: And again, this cracks me up because I know there are two sides of this.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: There are moms who plan the mimosa brunch the day of kindergarten because they're like, thank God, I've got the house quiet for a couple hours.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then there are the moms that are like, I'm hiding my tears, I'm ducking behind my baseball cap why I pass the champagne moms, because I'm not experiencing it the same way.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having a really hard time releasing control and feeling like a part of my identity is walking away from me.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: We have it when we have the first sleepovers, when we have them get their driver's license and drive away, when they go off to college, when they get married.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many small things, so many small milestones that lead to what we ultimately know is this launching our children into independence, which is what we've worked our whole life for.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's what the whole goal of a parent is to raise a strong, capable, kind person of integrity and character that we have shaped and molded and hopefully led them towards the Lord and they're becoming more and more like Him and just an amazing human that naturally would want to leave our nest, would want to soar, and is so God orchestrated to happen that way.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: But yet it's still hard.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's hard because of the attachment is God designed.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard because every milestone is a step towards this goodbye.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Third, I think it's really difficult because our role is changing.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not just that we're losing something.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we are also becoming something new.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: And this again looks different for everybody in different seasons and depending on how many kids you have.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: But for me as a parent, I have only known being at home with my kids.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've worked from home all but a really all but a year of my children's existence.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so I have been in the home.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the one that wakes up every morning with them.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the one that's here putting them to bed.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm cooking the three meals a day.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: My identity, a huge part of my identity for the last 23 years, has been lead role in caring for the children in my home.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so every one of these things that is happening where we're loosening the grip, and all of a sudden, we're not just the protector, but we're more of a coach.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: And we're not just like managing the day-to-day stuff.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: We're more of a mentor that's maybe just offering some insight.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: And we're not in control.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: We're literally moving into a different role of I trust you to go and take a lot of the responsibility that I've had for your life into your own hands.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And as that's happening, we are watching our own identity kind of change and having to reassess, okay, this career, quote unquote, if you will, that I've had for the last 20, 25 years, I'm I'm working out of a position.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was talking with a girlfriend a year or so back, and she was struggling through this very exact same thing.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And her husband were sitting with their therapist that they meet with regularly, just as preventative counseling, not even as reactive.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's more just to keep a strong marriage.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And she said she was really struggling through this season of all of her children leaving the home and her having kind of an identity crisis.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: And the husband was struggling a little bit to understand it.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: And the therapist said, Imagine if, you know, today, after 25 years of having your career and building this really successful thing that you've done and you've gotten really good at it, and you've poured all of your time, your resources, your energy into mastering this role.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: And somebody walked up to you and said, Okay, in two years, that role is gonna be non-existent and you're gonna have to recreate yourself.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have to figure out where to put your time and your passions and your talents and how to organize your schedule.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: You would have a little bit of a, oh my goodness, this is the only thing I've ever known.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I think for us as moms specifically, as our kids are leaving the nest, as they're growing up, as they're getting more independence at all different stages.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: This happens once all your kids are in full-time school.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: You have this kind of realization of, oh my goodness, this is my days are looking different.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: When your kids start to leave for college, this is looking different.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: As your kids have all left, this is looking different.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's this constantly evolving and shaping of our own identity, our own role, and having to come to grips with that.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And also then pursuing and finding the other things, the other passions that we need to be chasing after.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't think it's once this job is done, my life is over.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want anybody to think that.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: That certainly is not what this is about.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's about recognizing the stage that we're in and allowing ourselves to give words and a voice to it and then figuring out how to move through it with grace and with love and compassion for yourself, compassion for your children.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then lastly, the fourth thing there that I think is why it happens is because culture doesn't give us a language for it.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: I will say, I feel like in the last handful of years, maybe it's algorithm or maybe it's more the access that we have to the inside lives of other people, other families through things like Instagram and reels.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: There is seeming to be a little bit more of a voice that's being put to these things on social media as women are being honest about what it feels like and they're talking about this letting go season.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: But ultimately, I don't feel like we have really talked about what this looks like, how to prepare for it.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: It is normal.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Here's some ways that you can navigate through it at all the different stages.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to be either super excited that your kids are leaving, and it's also okay to be super sad that your kids are leaving.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's not a manual that says this is exactly how it has to go, and that you are allowed to be absolutely proud and so amazed at how strong they are, and to recognize that this is the natural path that happens, but also not to feel like the outside world is saying to you, get over it.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is ridiculous, you're over-exaggerating, or pull yourself together.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I do feel like that's a little bit of the language that we often get, even at things like kindergarten drop-off.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: When it's go on, mom, they're good, and we have to turn and walk away.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: But then when we turn to walk away, to be able to appropriately deal with what we are feeling and recognize this conflict of excruciating and beautiful at the exact same time.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so the couple things that I really feel have helped me navigate this.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I will continue to navigate it every day.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: It looks a little different.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: We were just laughing the other day because I told you that our son got his license.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: He went off.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: I did life 360 track him the entire way.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's 15 minutes to youth group.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: The Lord probably worked it out just perfectly because he got his license on a Wednesday night.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: I let him go to youth group.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: I life 360 him the whole way there and back to make sure he was good, like that initial drive on his own.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: The next morning I flew out for a girls' trip and I was gone Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it was so funny because then Thursday he drove to school.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: He has to go on the highway.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Thursday, he came home from school.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: Thursday night he drove himself to practice.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Friday, he drove himself to school.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like he was totally Mr.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: Independent all weekend here with his dad, and life was great.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: I get home on Sunday.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: On Monday, he went to do a couple things.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I said to him, Hey, you need to text me when you're leaving point A to go to point B.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: So he leaves point A.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: I noticed that he's at point B and I never got a text.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I texted him and said, Hey, bud, remember, I told you that you needed to text me when you leave point B to come home.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: I just want you to shoot me a text and tell me that you're leaving.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe absolutely ridiculous, possibly.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: And some of you might think, okay, let him go already.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's fine.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm totally okay with everybody having different feelings on all of these things.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it was just more I could relax in the couple hours in between him driving if I knew that he was somewhere, because I knew that when he got back.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Back in the car, my anxiety was going to be a little bit more intense.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And not because he's a bad driver, but because my entire life and my heart is driving a vehicle on busy roads in a big city.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I just knew if I just know he's gonna text me, I'll be calm the rest of the time.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: I noticed that he's almost home.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: And my like response is I want to text him and be like, You didn't text me, you didn't call me.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, no, he's driving.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can't text or call him.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: So my husband comes up.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: He was working in his home office, and I was like, babe, I can't believe.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like I told him this and I told him this.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband is just standing there and I said, You think I'm ridiculous?
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And he just laughed and he's like, What's the point of him texting you?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I explained to him, I just know then that he's in the car.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: And we laughed.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I looked at my husband and I said, I promise you, I'm not gonna make him text me every single time he leaves point A to point B, but you got to give me a couple days.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: And he's got to give me a couple days to ease into this.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: I gave him a big hug the other day when he was leaving for school and I was like, Bud, you're my whole, you're my baby.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like no matter what, you're my baby.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: And when you get in a car to leave, it's an adjustment for me.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: It is excruciatingly beautiful.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so proud of you.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're so capable.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're the most amazing 16-year-old boy I've ever known.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm probably biased on that, but he's just amazing.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I know you're gonna do great, and I know you're gonna be responsible.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, it's painful for me.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's a painful goodbye.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so we've had a lot of good laughs, a lot of them at my expense.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now he texts anytime he's going anywhere, and it's a big old funny joke.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: But there's just these stages that are hard.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: So a couple of things that I have found that have really helped me in this season is one, give myself permission to feel all the things.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to apologize for it.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: It is good when you have somebody like a spouse to keep you in check and be like, I recognize what you're feeling, I see what you're doing, I think it's good.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is a good way that we can phase out of maybe you having a hard time totally releasing control so that he can have independence in the way that would be normal for his age.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it's it's important for us to have the permission to feel both, to not have to pretend that it's all exciting and just pure joy when there is some of this pain next to it.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I think permission to feel both things.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: Two safe places to talk about it.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Find your people, find your girlfriends, find the people that have gone before you that maybe can sympathize with how you're feeling and then speak some truth and some wisdom into the next beautiful stages because I can already do that.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: I can already speak into the heart of a mom who's sending her child away to college as someone who has now not only sent a college student away, but has had a college student graduate.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: We made it through and we're getting ready to send her away for another couple of years to go to PA school.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: And there's another part of me that's like, we're doing this again and it's gonna be difficult.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: But now I know from experience that it does become a new normal.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: It does bring a lot of beautiful things.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: You get to see them grow in ways that they could never grow if they stayed in the comfort of mom and dad's home and didn't have to go out and experience and even the hardships that they walk through, what a blessing they are because of the resilience that it teaches them and it grows them up quickly when they have to face real life stuff.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: So find those safe places to talk about it.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: Don't feel like what you're feeling isn't normal, that you have to hide it.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you send your kid to kindergarten and you are a crying mess, you don't have to pretend that you want to go have mimosas.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: You can go find a friend who's struggling and talk about it, have a cup of coffee and say, this is really hard for me and voice those things.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: And day by day, every day is gonna get a little bit easier.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be less and less excruciating and more and more beautiful.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the coolest part about this is these seasons that all start out pretty excruciatingly beautiful, very slowly and over time.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: The excruciating part lets go and it just becomes beautiful.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a process of getting to that.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing is I think you need to find healthy ways to walk through it, especially some of the bigger things where your role as a mom, specifically if you are mostly at home with your children, when maybe there's this little bit of an identity crisis.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times that also is happening when women are of menopausal, perimenopausal age.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: So you add in a whole nother gamut of emotions into that.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: But in these stages, I think you need to find ways to walk through it in a healthy way.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think you have to name it.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about that.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: When you name it, you're giving yourself permission to feel it.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think you have to be able to grieve what's changing.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: When your days start to look a lot different and you feel a little lost, I think it's okay to grieve.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like this was a season of my life where I had this role.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: And although the days weren't all roses and sunshine, there was hard days.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: I loved every bit of it.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually, I need to link in the show notes.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm totally gonna link in the show notes an addition from American Idol that came across my Instagram last night that I literally watched and wept in my kitchen, as did Carrie Underwood.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think Luke Bryant was almost ready to cry, of this mom who wrote a song and she was writing it in the depths of overwhelm and just feeling lost in this role of mom.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it was this aha moment for her where she realizes no, wait, this is everything I've ever wanted.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is the most holy calling I've been called to.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: And just the interview is amazing.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna link it in the show notes so that you guys can go pull it up because it's absolutely worth watching and worth listening to her song.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'll link the song as well.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: But anyhow, just being able to understand that these are things that are changing for us.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: Our roles are massively changing.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: And to be able to celebrate not only our children's growth, but also the growth that's gonna happen in us in this next stage.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can say now what I couldn't say five, six, seven years ago when I was just coming into this having adult children stage, where in that initial stage, I really felt like I don't know who I am.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I'm gonna do.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like, am I gonna have any value?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I know those are all ridiculous and crazy things to think, but it happens when you're in this massive transition.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now I can speak to that and say, there are phenomenal, absolutely phenomenal things that happen for you as a mom as you come into these stages, that even though it starts difficult and trying to navigate, I have been able to invest in myself, in my health and my nutrition and my exercise and some of my hobbies and friendships in ways that I absolutely could not invest time or energy when I had a lot of little kids at home, when I was running people everywhere, when I was the one driving them to every practice, to every school event, to every church event, to everything.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: I lived in my car.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so, as much as I'm so sad to give up some of those precious times, I'm able now, five, six years into this, coming to almost being completely empty nesters here in the next two years, to be able to say, wow, this is a really beautiful stage for me.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is a really beautiful stage for me and my spouse.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is a really beautiful stage to become more of friends with my children than mom.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm always gonna be their mom.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always gonna, that's gonna be my first and foremost.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: But you get to have a little bit of a different relationship where the reality is you're 23, you're 21, you make the decision.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're a big kid now.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: You get to suffer all of the consequences, all of the rewards.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I just get to be here to encourage you, to love you, to pray for you.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: But you get to go do you.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: And in the time of you doing you, I'm gonna not just lay down and die and think all my life is over.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to actively dig into what God's purpose is, not only for your life and where you're going to celebrate you and encourage you, but I'm gonna also pour into anchoring myself in what God's purpose is for me in this next decade or two decades or three decades, because I do now know what I didn't know six years ago is that these are beautiful years, that there are excruciatingly beautiful points in this releasing, but then there are beautiful stages in us as late 40, 50-year-old women being able to really pour into some of the giftings.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some of the more wisdom that we have that we didn't have in our 20s and 30s and 40s, even that God is giving us as we walk through these stages to do new and exciting things, to serve in new and exciting ways, to mentor and encourage younger moms in new and exciting ways, to pick up passions and talents that have always been in us, but maybe we weren't able to put them on a top of a priority list because in a season of life, they couldn't be there because our role and our obligation and our time was devoted to that most important role that we've ever been given is in our home, in our marriages, and then pouring into our children.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a whole new stage now where that gets lightened up.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just wanted to come today.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to talk about this.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to put voice to it, I wanted to share that concept of excruciatingly beautiful because in just talking to women at all different stages, I think that we all feel it and we don't know how to name it.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know what it is.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's a little bit of guilt of I should just be so happy that my kid is doing this thing well or that they're going to school or that they're healthy.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: When there's also this churning inside of you of loss and grief and letting go and fear and new seasons.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: And as moms, when we can come together and talk about these things, we just give ourselves a community.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: We give ourselves permission.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: We get to encourage one another.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think sometimes just knowing that you're not alone is all the encouragement that you need to say, yes, I identify with that.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: I understand what you're saying.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you for giving it some context and thank you for giving it some validity that it's allowed to be both excruciatingly painful and unbelievably beautiful at the exact same moment as a mom as we're walking our kids through these different stages.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is something that I'm excited just to keep learning about.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to go into this next decade of parenting that I know nothing about.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is a stage where I'm learning and I know my kids are learning.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: Very regularly, I will say to one of my children, hey, I know you're figuring out how to be a 16-year-old boy for the first time.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also figuring out how to parent a 16-year-old boy for the first time.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm going to give you grace.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: I need you to give me grace.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to know that we're on the same team and we're trying to figure this out.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: The same conversation with the 23-year-old.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I know you're a 23-year-old graduating college, working towards grad school, saving money, living at your parents' home for a year for the first time, and you're figuring that out.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also a mom of a 23-year-old living at home, working her first full-time job, trying to get into grad school.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing that for the first time.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've never done that before.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so I need you to give me grace.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I say the same thing with my 20-year-old.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: All the different, the things that we're all navigating through every day that are new and beautiful and hard, but we're doing them all together.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying to do them with grace.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying to give everybody permission to feel what they're feeling in a healthy boundary, in a good context, recognizing that life is messy and beautiful.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: And we walk through the stages.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: And as we walk through the excruciatingly beautiful, it more and more becomes just beautiful as we learn to navigate that new normal.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just wanted to share that with you guys today.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that encourages you in some way, whether you're in the earliest stages of parenting, I today had an ultrasound.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: The ultrasound tech came in and she had a ton of flowers in her office when she brought me into the ultrasound room.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Oh my gosh, is it your birthday?
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, actually, it's my first day back from maternity leave with my first child.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so for 15 minutes, as she did the ultrasound, we sat there and we just talked about these different seasons of parenting and how they're beautiful and they're exciting and they're painful all at the same time.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: We feel it when our babies are 12 weeks old and we go back to work.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: We feel it when our kids are 18 years old, 19 years old, and leaving for college.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's a journey on this parenting roller coaster of navigating all these new seasons.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm grateful that we get to do it together here.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that you're able to find your own voice as you navigate through this and that you would use that voice to encourage other moms around you that maybe feel like they're walking this journey alone.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: So until next week, friends, take care of it.