Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / How to Feel Like You Have More Time (Even When You Don’t)

Transcript

How to Feel Like You Have More Time (Even When You Don’t) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Do you
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: have enough time? Is time getting away from you? Is
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: it being wasted? Or are you just running faster than
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: you know? How to Term four is kick Well, it's
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: just kicked off in half the country. And if you're
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: anything like us, the routine that you were so sure
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: that you were going to get back into so simply
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: has been an absolute I was going to say disaster.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: I was going to say nightmare. I feel like they're
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: two big words, Kylie, but it's been tricky. Let's just
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: say that Today I'm the Happy Families Podcast. We're going
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: to look at creating time abundance. How do we find
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: the time to do it the stuff that matters when
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: it feels like all the stuff matters and there isn't
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: enough time. That's coming up next, Stay with us. Hello,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Real Pairing Solutions every Day.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: This is Australia's most downloaded paring podcast. We are justin
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: and Kylie Colson and we are into term four. It's
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: the home run the last Were.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: You trying to sound like Scooby Doo?
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: No, but my voice kind of went Really it was
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: meant to be a big wooho, and I changed my
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: mind halfway.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: Through it chickened out.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it didn't sound like it was a particularly hearty one,
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: did it. Hey, today we're talking about this thing called
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: time abundance. I'm really missing at the moment with this
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: really smart sub stack by Jackie NeSSI Jaqueline NeSSI is
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: a professor of psychology at Brown University in the United States.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Really thoughtful, really fun, really quirky, and it's called Techno Sapiens.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: And she wrote a piece about time abundance a while
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: back grabbed me like I couldn't let go of it,
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: and I've decided that we should chat about it today.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: Before we talk about time abundance, I wanted to ask you.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: I have my own list, but what have you done today?
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Because everyone always says that mums carried the cognitive load
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: have too much to do, Like it is a heavy
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: duty job being a mum. Walk me through your We're
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: recording this in the afternoon before the day that we
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: roll the podcast out. I made that really hard. What
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: have you done up until this point? At what is
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: it two fifteen in the afternoon.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: I got up at five point thirty this morning. We
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: rode forty k's. I then had a cold plunge, followed
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: by a hot soak in the bath. I did my
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: affirmations and oil reset. I got dressed, I made the bed,
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: I hung out a load of washing. I put on
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: another load of washing. I then cooked breakfast. We ate it.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: I tidied the kitchen. I talked to Baby number three
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: about insights from her personal study this morning. Then I
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: had to wake up Baby number four to discuss the
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: logistics of her day and work out how cars were
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: going to work. I facetied my grandbaby, who was having
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: to melt down because she wanted to swim in my pool,
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: not hers. And then I took Baby number three to
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: the Department of Transport so that we could organize a
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: replacement for her lost license. I then took a call
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: from Baby number one, who is organizing some upcoming babysitting
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: with me.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: So just a quick note, all of these babies that
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: you're engaging with at the moment or over the age
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: of eighteen most of them, ye, so anyone who oh,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: once they're eighteen, we're out of the woods. Our pairing
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: days done. Good luck with that, dropped off.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: Baby number six at friends for a playdate. I need
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: to bring some washing in so I could hang out
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: another load. Then I put another load on, I folded
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: the washing. Baby No One rang again because she wanted
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: to fill me in on what's going on with a day.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: I did some ironing. I took to Baby number five
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: about her day because she's volunteering in New South Wales
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: and it was nine degrees this morning. I had some lunch.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: That was about two o'clock in the afternoon. We're recording podcasts.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: But on my list, I still have to pick up
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: Baby number six, go to the post office and do
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: a drop off, have more washing, more rining to do.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: I have to build a freestanding wardrobe for baby number three,
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: pick up Baby number three from volunteering, organize dinner, cook
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: and eat it, clean up, reset the house, walk the dog,
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: and then maybe I'll get into bed about nine o'clock.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: Time, right right, okay, time abundance are you feeling? I mean,
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: I'm listening to that. And it's a lot of family
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: focused stuff. A lot of it is chores and running
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: around and rigmarole, but there's some really nice connections with family.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: There's some really nice chats. There's obviously the bike ride,
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: the cold plunge, the oils and that sort of stuff.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: When you think about a topic like this one, and
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: we have spent the entire podcast really just talking about
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: how busy your day has been. Do you feel time abundant?
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: There's a long pause.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, warranted.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: Not very often, not very often today today, No, I
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: do not feel abundant. I'm looking at my list and
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: thinking I'd actually really like to just curl up in
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: a ball and go and have a nan and napp.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if that's going to
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: make you feel more time abundant or not. But Jackie
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Nessi's newsletter certainly points to some things that will and
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: some things that won't. So I asked you, I don't
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: know what you've written down where you're going to go
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: with this, but I asked you to jop down your
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: three take home messages from the Techno Sapiens substack about
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: time abundance. What are the three things that you jotted down,
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: and let's talk about those for about a minute each.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: She talks about the fact that we actually undervalue our
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: own time, and I really related to that because when
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: I think about the way I utilize my time, I
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: actually do all of the least important things first, right,
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: They're usually the easiest ones to tick off the list.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Like, if I've got my
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: task lists and I look at everything that's there, I
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: do the easy stuff. I go for the quick wins.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because I want to be able to see that
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: I've progressed. Like if I've got ten things on my
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: list and half an hour, I can get four of
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: them ticked off, why would I not do that first?
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah? And that's an email For people who work in office,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: it's such a timesyck. But we think, oh, we're being
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: productive because we're clearing our inbox.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: And so from that point of view, what often ends
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: up happening is I get a whole heap of nothing
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: done in the day and I still haven't attacked the
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: one thing that was most important on my list.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: There is there a one thing today that should have
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: been on your list, but you didn't even get near it.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: It's building that wardrobe. It's not going to happen. I
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: just know it. Yeah, right, Okay, we've had baby number
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: four arrive home. She has no room to sleep, and
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: she has no wardrobe to place their clothes in and
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: we just need to make a freestanding wardrobe so at
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: least she can hang something and stick some shoes on
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: a shelf.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, what about your second take home message?
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: Let us stood out to you.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: We neglect taking steps to protect our time, so can I.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: I'm not telling you, sure I shouldn't. But all the
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: phone calls, all the backwards and forwards, all of the
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: other people prioritizing and wanting to connect with you. Is
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: that Is that one of those things like sometimes you've
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: just got to get stuff done and say I'm not
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: going to take any calls for the next half an hour.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: Like, yeah, I think I think that that's well within
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: I know.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: I don't protect my time well at all. When we
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: were wrapping up the writing of my book. When I
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: was wrapping up the writing of my book just before
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: the school holidays, I said to my team, I've got
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: one week where it's the last week of school. Nobody's
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: hired me to give any talks. I don't have any
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: keynotes at conferences or government or like, there's literally nothing
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: in my diary. I need to protect that week so
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: I can finish the book. And then I just slowly
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: as requests came in for going to a podcast, interview
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: over here, shop on the news over there, one thing
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: after another after another, and all of a sudden, every
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: single day I had at least one, if not two
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: things that took me out of the office, and I
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: didn't protect that time, and as a result, the book
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: deadline again, I blew it right out. I almost didn't
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: finish by the deadline, and it was so stressful. I
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm still fatigued talking about it several weeks later,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: because I just I didn't protect my time.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: I think the challenge that I have is when you
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: look at all those phone calls, they're our children, and.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: It's really hard to say just ignore the kids right well,
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: and nor should we.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: No, So the challenge is that you and I made
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: a really conscious decision that I would stay at home
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: so I was available for the kids. And I think
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: that there are definitely times where I have just said, hey,
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: I really need to stay focused today. But for the
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: most part, I love the fact that my kids want
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: to bring me and tell me how their day went,
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: or the insights that they've had as they've been you know,
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: attending a class or doing some personal study of their
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: own like, that's actually the highlights, that's the joy point
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: of my day. And so while it adds to the busyness,
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: it's actually what adds the richness to my experience.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: So there's this thing that I often say one of
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: my presentations, and that is that you don't build a
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: relationship watching the clock. And so today there's this discussion
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: that we're having about creating time abundance, and we're saying,
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: you've got to protect your time, but I think you've
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: got to be discerning in terms of what you protect
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: your time against.
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and today's a day where at the end of
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: the day, if the wardrobe doesn't get done, it's not
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: the end of the world. I can push it back.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: But there will be other times where it's like there's
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: actually there's no riggle room. This has to be done today,
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: and I'm just going to have to take this time.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: What was the third thing? We need to take a
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: break before we come back for the doctor's desk part
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: of this conversation.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: We've actually touched on it a little bit already, but
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: she says that we don't prioritize spending time on the
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: things that matter, and so when we look at our
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: to do list, Like we talked about at the beginning,
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: often we spend time doing the things that are easiest
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: just because we're going to get a quick win.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah for sure or after the break. The scientific
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: side of things, time abundance, how do we create it,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: what's necessary so that it feels like we have time.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: We'll discuss that next. Welcome back. This is the Happy
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: Family's Podcast. My name is doctor Justin Courson. I'm here
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: with my wife and Mundo, our six kids. Missus Happy Families, Kylie. So,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: there were three things that Jackie said in her Techno
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: Sapien's substack about this that I want to highlight. So
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: research shows that you can feel more abundant with your
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: time if you do these three things. The first one
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: is what she calls blocking time out. I've tried this
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: and it actually works, except when you don't get mindful
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: in the moment. So you might block out and say,
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: I'm going to make sure that I have this walk,
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: this massage, this for me, it'll be a surf, or
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: this time with my family. I'm going to block out
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: an hour here or half an hour there or fifteen
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: minutes there. I'm going to have the bath. I'm going
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: to do the thing, and I'm blocking it out so
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: that nothing else can intrude. It's my protected time. Research
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: shows that people who do that do, in fact, end
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: up with a sense of time abundance. They feel better
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: about their lives. It's generally associated with positive outcomes, but
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: there is a catch. A study showed that people who
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: improve their mindfulness skills through an eight week mindfulness intervention.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: Who's got time for an eight week mindfulness intervention?
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: But if you do that, you have increased feelings of
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: time influence because when you're spending that tiny little block
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: of time that I've just said to block out sometimes
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: like if I'm getting a message, for example, which I
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: haven't done in for years, because I don't enjoy the
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: massage because all I can do is think about all
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: the things that I should be doing other than getting
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: a massage.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So that's what happened with my art classes. I
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: was really really enjoying them in the beginning, but as
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: our life got a lot more complicated as the year progressed,
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: I just found that it actually was a chore to
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: go because there were so many other things pressing on
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: my mind that I couldn't be in the moment and
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: I couldn't tap into that beautiful creative flow that I
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: was experiencing previously.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: So that is a skill. It is something that you
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: can learn, but it requires intention, it requires focus, and
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: it means that you do need to be in the
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: moment while you're taking that moment to feel time abundant.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: And then when you get back in the car after
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: the massage or the art class or the surf, you know,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: I love to just go bond because and go I
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: can't believe I did that, Like it felt really good,
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: but now I'm in so much trouble. You've actually got
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: to let that be part of part of your wellbeing routine.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: The second one is quite counterintuitive. The research says. This
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: is a twenty twelve study called giving Time Gives You Time.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Researchers had people come into a lab assign them to
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: either go home a bit early to give themselves a
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: bit of time, or do something nice for someone else.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: In this case, they had to spend fifteen or twenty
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: minutes editing an essay for an at risk student at
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: a local high school. And even though going home early
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: objectively gives you more time, it was the people who
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: were assigned to help the student who felt less time constrained,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: they felt more time abundant. So the research shows number one,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: blockout time for yourself, be mindful in the moment, but
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: number two give time to others. It will actually help
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: you to feel like you have more time. The third
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: and final one is to buy yourself time. So researchers
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: gave participants forty bucks. This was a few years ago, Kylie,
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: it was back in twenty seventeen.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: Forty twenty bucks is not going to get you much.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: It goes further than it does now. But participans, we're
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: given the forty dollars to spend on either a material
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: purchase like books and clothes, and then on a separate week,
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: they were given another forty dollars, but they had to
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: spend on a time saving purchase like grocery delivery or
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: getting the lawns done, or a laundry service, or taking
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: an uber because it saves time looking for parking. So anyway,
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: on the weeks where people made a time saving purchase,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: they reported feeling happier and the reason was they felt
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: less time pressure. So I know that this does depend
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: on your financial situation. There's a certain level of privilege
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: that comes from being able to pay somebody to do
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: your lawns or to do your laundry or clean your
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: house or whatever it is. But to the degree that
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: you can do that, you do tend to feel more
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: time abundant. And there was one more thing that I
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: want to highlight here, and that is that if you
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: do use your spare time, or even you're not spare
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: time just in downtime, even if it's a few minutes
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: steering your phone, you're not going to get the sense
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: of time abundance that you get when you don't have
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: anything else on your mind. Like steering your phone scrolling
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: doom scrolling, or just checking out your TikTok or Instagram feed.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: It's not going to give you a sense of reprieve
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: and release. It's keeping your brain active, it's keeping your
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: brain going even though you're zoning out and it doesn't
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: feel like you're getting a break. So hopefully, Kylie, that
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: will help you feel more time abund at this afternoon,
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: pay somebody to do one of those jobs you've got
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: to do. No no, no, okay, block out some time
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: this evening. You're looking at me Strangely, you're not going
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: to block out some can you do?
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: It? Is walking the dog blocking out some time.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, let's go for a walk tonight like nine thirty
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: and we'll give we'll give time to the dog. Gosh,
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: the struggle is real. Good luck if I mean, I
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: really hope these ideas. We hope these ideas help you
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: to have a sense of time abundance. That was the
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: doctor's desk on the Happy Families podcast, which is produced
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds provides admin,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: research and other support, and Mim will link to the
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: Techno Sapiens article and the entire substack, which described to
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: it's a really good one in the show notes, have
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: a great afternoon, evening, morning, whatever it is when you're
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: listening at this pod, and we can't wait to be
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: with you again tomorrow as we unpack everything that happened
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: in the Queensland school holidays. Thanks for listening