Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #984 City vs Country

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#984 City vs Country · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just on answers. Now, Welcome to
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  Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast. My name is doctor Justin Colson.
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  Speaker 1: Every Tuesday on the podcast, I answer your questions about
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  Speaker 1: making your family happier. Just a bit of question. Go
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  Speaker 1: to happy families dot com dot you click on the
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  Speaker 1: podcast link and then push the record button. It's that simple.
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  Speaker 1: Here's our first question.
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  Speaker 2: Hi, Justin and Kylie, I would love to hear your
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  Speaker 2: opinion on regional schools versus urban schools, the pros and
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  Speaker 2: cons of less rushing community and family time versus better
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  Speaker 2: facilities and opportunities in the city schools. We live in
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  Speaker 2: a remote tourism town in Wa. The residential populations about
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  Speaker 2: three thy five hundred. We have one school offering KINDI
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  Speaker 2: to year twelve, with some subjects taught through distance education
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  Speaker 2: in year eleven and twelve. The discussion float around the
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  Speaker 2: parents of my son's year six class at the moment
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  Speaker 2: is whether we plan to stay for school, send our
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  Speaker 2: kids to board in school, or move to Perth or
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  Speaker 2: elsewhere for a better education. It just feels like such
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  Speaker 2: a big decision and we don't want to get it wrong.
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  Speaker 2: Thanks guys.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I love the way that you've said for
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  Speaker 1: a quote unquote better education. This is the big question,
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  Speaker 1: and it's such a tricky one. Kylie and I have
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  Speaker 1: had our kids in pretty much every school you can
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  Speaker 1: think of. There's been homeschool, there's been private school, there's
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  Speaker 1: been public school, there's been Christian school. And we've had
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  Speaker 1: mixed experiences with all of the above, which tells me
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  Speaker 1: that there cannot be a blanket answer. In fact, when
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  Speaker 1: we look at the research around this, there simply isn't
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  Speaker 1: a blanket answer, even looking at kids that come from
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  Speaker 1: regional versus city schools. Once again, there's so much variability,
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  Speaker 1: stability of family, stability of life, the subjects that they choose,
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  Speaker 1: the friends that they choose. Sometimes it's not really that
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  Speaker 1: much about the school as it is about the teachers.
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  Speaker 1: Here's the way I look at it. When choosing a school,
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  Speaker 1: I'm much more inclined to avoid focusing too heavily on resources, results,
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  Speaker 1: and reputation, and instead I want to focus on fun,
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  Speaker 1: fit friends, and philosophy. Well, philosophy a bit mad, because
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  Speaker 1: not every school actually does what they say they're going
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  Speaker 1: to do. Philosophically, so that one's a bit of a
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  Speaker 1: funny one. But I want to make sure that my
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  Speaker 1: kids are in a school environment where they're having fun,
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  Speaker 1: they're with people that they like. Research shows that if
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  Speaker 1: you can get those two, well, if they're with people
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  Speaker 1: that they like, they're going to have more fun. If
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  Speaker 1: they have more fun, they're going to be happy to
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  Speaker 1: be school. If they're happy to bit school, they're much
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  Speaker 1: more likely to feel like they fit and the learning
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  Speaker 1: is going to be that much better. Now, are these
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  Speaker 1: two categories or categorizations mutually exclusive, No, they're not. You
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  Speaker 1: can have kids that are in a school with wonderful results, reputation,
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  Speaker 1: and resources, who also happen to have all their friends
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  Speaker 1: there and have a lot of fun and really feel
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  Speaker 1: like they fit. But if it's a compare and contrast
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  Speaker 1: and you have to choose one over the other, I'm
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  Speaker 1: usually going to steer in the direction of friends and
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  Speaker 1: fun and fit. For me, that is going to make
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  Speaker 1: a bigger difference in your child's overall participation, in engagement
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  Speaker 1: with and success at school. There are a few other
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  Speaker 1: things to consider, especially when you're looking at the regional
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  Speaker 1: versus urban or city landscape. And here's what I mean there,
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  Speaker 1: if you're already well established and settled where you are,
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  Speaker 1: the fact that you're going to have to destabilize the
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  Speaker 1: family find somewhere new, develop new friendships, new relationships, find
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  Speaker 1: a new school, try to fit in bind the right
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  Speaker 1: post code, or send the kids to a private school.
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  Speaker 1: And when that happens, of course the kids are not
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  Speaker 1: attending school in places where all of their friends are,
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  Speaker 1: so they don't go out and play in the neighborhood
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  Speaker 1: down at the local park because their friends just aren't there.
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  Speaker 1: Makes a lot more tricky. The upheaval for the family
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  Speaker 1: is substantial, and I mean, let's face it, it's kind
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  Speaker 1: of hard on the parents as well. Have to really
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  Speaker 1: renegotiate everything. Kylie and I have done that several times
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  Speaker 1: in our lives. I don't recommend it, I really don't.
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  Speaker 1: One of the great challenges as I look back on
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  Speaker 1: the life that we've lived is it's hard to reconcile
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  Speaker 1: the moves that we've made with the well being of
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  Speaker 1: our children. We've done those moves with the very best
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  Speaker 1: interests of our family heart, but that doesn't mean it's
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  Speaker 1: always been in our family's best interest. I think that
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  Speaker 1: it would have been better for us to have stability.
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  Speaker 1: That's being really candid and frank. Now, if you are
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  Speaker 1: in an urban area, it's also worth highlighting network and
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  Speaker 1: population lead to very different outcomes when you're in a
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  Speaker 1: small town, when you're a small regional center, you just
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  Speaker 1: don't have the same network. It's harder to develop the
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  Speaker 1: relationships that can take you somewhere in your life if
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  Speaker 1: you're trying to get somewhere. In particular, I'm thinking about
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  Speaker 1: simple things like sport. Kids are going to do better
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  Speaker 1: when they come from a population center that is large
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  Speaker 1: enough to have a reasonable level of competition, a reasonable
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  Speaker 1: level where you're going to get pushed harder. And if
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  Speaker 1: I can share an experience from my early career prior
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  Speaker 1: to doing what I do now, I was a radio announcer.
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  Speaker 1: I worked in matt Isser, I worked in Rockampton, I
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  Speaker 1: worked in Warnabulle and Tyraalgon, Newcastle and finally Brisbane. And
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  Speaker 1: I can tell you this much, my improvement in the
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  Speaker 1: capital city or the major markets was exponential compared to
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  Speaker 1: my improvement in the regional center. I had to do
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  Speaker 1: the hard yards to get into the capital city, but
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  Speaker 1: once I got there, it absolutely skyrocketed. It changed everything
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  Speaker 1: about who I presented why because I was around the
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  Speaker 1: people who were at the top of their game. When
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  Speaker 1: I decided to leave radio, I had one last blast.
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  Speaker 1: After I left Brisbane's B one five, one of the
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  Speaker 1: biggest radio stations in the country at the time, I
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  Speaker 1: picked up some casual work on the Gold Coast at GOLDFM.
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  Speaker 1: The level of energy, the level of input, the level
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  Speaker 1: of engagement, the level of anything at GOLDFM compared to
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  Speaker 1: B one O five, it was like zero versus one hundred.
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  Speaker 1: Nobody really well, I shouldn't say this this, I don't
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  Speaker 1: want to denigrate the people who were working there at
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  Speaker 1: the time, but the care factor, the level of engagement
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  Speaker 1: was just it was vastly lower. I mean, I walked
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  Speaker 1: into the building and it didn't even feel like I
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  Speaker 1: was still in the radio industry compared to what I'd
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  Speaker 1: experienced at the top. And so what I would say
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  Speaker 1: is that there are some really big perks to being
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  Speaker 1: in the big smoke. You've got the population, you've got
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  Speaker 1: the networks, you've got the energy, you've got the opportunity
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  Speaker 1: that doesn't always exist in the regional centers. However, stay
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  Speaker 1: in put gives your stability, it gives you security, it
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  Speaker 1: avoids the upheaval, and if your child's doing well there,
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  Speaker 1: then they're probably going to do it well anywhere and
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  Speaker 1: at the right time for them, perhaps they can move
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  Speaker 1: away and pursue their fortune, chase their dreams, look for
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  Speaker 1: the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Ultimately,
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  Speaker 1: this is a values call. I can't make it for you.
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  Speaker 1: What I can say is that your kid's stability, especially
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  Speaker 1: in the early years, is going to be paramount. Once
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  Speaker 1: they get into high school, it still matters a great deal,
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  Speaker 1: and it's a really tough fall. I don't envy the
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  Speaker 1: decision that you've got to make. Good luck with question
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  Speaker 1: number two. This one comes from Carol, who says, my
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  Speaker 1: father in law was diagnosed with cancer last year and
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  Speaker 1: had treatment up until Christmas and was doing well. In January,
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  Speaker 1: things took a turn and they found a brain tumor
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  Speaker 1: who's receiving treatment. He has been in hospital pretty much
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  Speaker 1: since January. I have a six year old, a four
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  Speaker 1: year old, and a two year old, and up until
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  Speaker 1: now we've just said that Granddad isn't well and he's
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  Speaker 1: in hospital for tests and medicine to get better. My
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  Speaker 1: four year old is quite close to Granddad and has
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  Speaker 1: now started to miss him and wants him to come home.
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  Speaker 1: While we talk to him on the phone when he's
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  Speaker 1: feeling okay, I have no idea when or even if
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  Speaker 1: he will come home. While I'm staying positive, I also
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  Speaker 1: want to be prepared for the worst. How do I
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  Speaker 1: frame this for my four year old that he may
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  Speaker 1: not come home at all and possibly might pass away.
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  Speaker 1: I'm reluctant to take her to hospital to see him
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  Speaker 1: because of all the tubes in him and his lucidity
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  Speaker 1: changes on a daily basis. Thanks for your help, Carol. Oh, Carol,
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  Speaker 1: this is such a horrible situation to be in, and
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  Speaker 1: yet at the same time, this is what life demands
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  Speaker 1: of us, isn't it. And it's really interesting when I
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  Speaker 1: look at how we approach death in twenty twenty four,
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  Speaker 1: we've become a completely death phobic society. We're so sanitized.
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  Speaker 1: He go back one hundred two hundred years and death
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  Speaker 1: was part of the fabric of life. Now we keep
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  Speaker 1: death very much separated from us, and it has an
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  Speaker 1: impact on the way that our children engage with death
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  Speaker 1: and everything associated with it. Now I'm going all the
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  Speaker 1: way to grief and death right now. I know that
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  Speaker 1: we're not there, so I apologize. But my sense is
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  Speaker 1: that you're trying to prepare a four year old and
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  Speaker 1: a six year old for what is eventually inevitable. Hopefully
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  Speaker 1: not yet, but eventually inevitable. Here are a couple of
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  Speaker 1: things that are going to be helpful. First off, children
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  Speaker 1: who are between the ages of two and seven, which
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  Speaker 1: is all three of your kids right now, are written
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  Speaker 1: what Jean Pierge called pre operational thinking. What this means
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  Speaker 1: is that kids are really living in the here and now.
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  Speaker 1: They don't have a great concept of the past or
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  Speaker 1: the future. They do have some concept of it, but
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  Speaker 1: it's quite limited compared to what it will be as
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  Speaker 1: they get older, and they're still discovering things like object permanence,
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  Speaker 1: that is, something can be present before you and they're
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  Speaker 1: not in front of you, but still exist and then
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  Speaker 1: come back to you. They have limited abstraction, and death
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  Speaker 1: is especially for a kiddo. It's a really abstract construct
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  Speaker 1: or idea. In the nineteen forties, around about the same time,
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  Speaker 1: maybe a little bit after that, wonderful Swiss psychologist Champiage
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  Speaker 1: was developing his ideas. Another psychologist called Maria Magny was
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  Speaker 1: looking at death and children the way that they conceived
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  Speaker 1: of it, and she said that when kids are between
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  Speaker 1: the ages of three and five, which is again right
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  Speaker 1: in that sweet spot of where your kids are, they
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  Speaker 1: really do see death as a journey with an expectation
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  Speaker 1: that a person who dies will eventually return. That's how
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  Speaker 1: they make sense of death, and that's perfectly fine, perfectly healthy,
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  Speaker 1: perfectly natural. We don't need to convince them that they're wrong.
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  Speaker 1: They kind of see death as a journey with an
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  Speaker 1: expectation that their loved one will eventually return. We don't
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  Speaker 1: need to convince them that they're wrong. And it's fine
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  Speaker 1: to let them believe that, although I wouldn't encourage facilitating
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  Speaker 1: that belief either. I just let them believe it in
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  Speaker 1: the same way that the big man in the red suit.
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  Speaker 1: We let them believe it until they're old enough to
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  Speaker 1: start asking more questions, and that abstraction starts to shift
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  Speaker 1: and they become familiar with what these ideas really mean.
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  Speaker 1: What Maria and Nagne found is kids from five to
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  Speaker 1: nine see that death is final, but they really strive
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  Speaker 1: to keep it at a distance. They don't seem to
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  Speaker 1: emotionally engage with it as much, and from about the
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  Speaker 1: age of ten they really get it. What does all
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  Speaker 1: of this mean for you? Well, I think that there
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  Speaker 1: are just a couple of hints and tips that I
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  Speaker 1: would give that I think will be helpful here. Number one,
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  Speaker 1: it's incumbent upon parents to tell their kids the truth
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  Speaker 1: around death, but in an age appropriate way. So we
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  Speaker 1: want to use concrete language. We don't want to use
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  Speaker 1: any sort of cliches. We don't want to sort of pretend,
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  Speaker 1: pretend that everything's going to be okay and that Nanny
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  Speaker 1: or Poppy or whoever it is, is going to come back.
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  Speaker 1: We don't want to tell them miss truths. If you
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  Speaker 1: have a faith background, this can be a wonderful opportunity
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  Speaker 1: to deepen that by talking about how grandma or Grandpa
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  Speaker 1: has gone to heaven or is going to heaven. That
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  Speaker 1: kind of thing gives them a sense that there is
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  Speaker 1: a journey, which fits with the pre operational thinking, it
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  Speaker 1: fits with that three to five year age response to death.
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  Speaker 1: But it also helps them to feel like that person
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  Speaker 1: really can still be with them. It's a wonderful comfort
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  Speaker 1: for them. So tell the truth and developmentally appropriate ways.
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  Speaker 1: If you have a faith background, then that would be
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  Speaker 1: included in that. The other thing that I would say
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  Speaker 1: outside of that is to really find ways to soak
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  Speaker 1: up the time and embrace it. Don't sanitize this experience.
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  Speaker 1: Take your kids to see Grandpa in the hospital, even
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  Speaker 1: with the tubes and even when he's not quite lucid.
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  Speaker 1: Let them see the deterioration. Let them see his body
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  Speaker 1: slowly but surely atrophying and gently passing away. This is
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  Speaker 1: something that helps you to have more supportive conversations. You
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  Speaker 1: can say something like, sweetheart, Usually people die when they're
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  Speaker 1: very very or very very sick, or their bodies are
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  Speaker 1: so injury that the doctors and hospitals can't help and
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  Speaker 1: their body stops working. Like that's a really concrete way
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  Speaker 1: of saying Grandpa is going to die. Whereas if we
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  Speaker 1: tell our kids that Grandpa has gone on a long journey,
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  Speaker 1: then your kids might say, well, when's grandpa coming back,
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  Speaker 1: or why didn't he say goodbye? And the last point
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  Speaker 1: that I'd make is just soak up this time, embrace
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  Speaker 1: this time, get the kids involved. This will be precious.
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  Speaker 1: We're not supposed to be sanitizing this for the kids.
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  Speaker 1: And here's what else I would say for your father
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  Speaker 1: in law. For Grandpa while he's in the hospital and struggling,
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  Speaker 1: he needs the light that the kids will bring. He
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  Speaker 1: needs to engage with them. If he's well enough to
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  Speaker 1: tell and retell his stories, that will make a difference
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  Speaker 1: for him. I think that it's a really really sacred
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  Speaker 1: experience that our kids can have. They can learn to
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  Speaker 1: value life in different ways, and they can grow up
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  Speaker 1: in profound ways. There's so much there. Life is so
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  Speaker 1: precious and it's due to the relationship quality that we share.
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  Speaker 1: Don't deprive your father in law of the relationships, and
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  Speaker 1: don't deprive your kids of the relationship either. It's so important.
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  Speaker 1: Grief is a natural byproduct of love. You can't really
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  Speaker 1: truly love someone and not grieve when they die. The
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  Speaker 1: only way to avoid the grief is to not experience
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  Speaker 1: the love. And it's the love that gives life the
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  Speaker 1: richness and the meaning. And that's why I would say,
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  Speaker 1: help your kids to soak up grandpa, and help Grandpa
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  Speaker 1: to soak up those kids. Really appreciate your questions. Thank
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  Speaker 1: you so much for asking them. Happy Families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot A you click on the podcast link and then
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: push the record button. We love getting your questions and
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  Speaker 1: answering them here at the Happy Families Podcast. The Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families Podcast is produced by Justin Rawland from Bridge Media.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd like more
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: information about making your family happier, you'll find it all
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com, dot a