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Boundaries Without Guilt · The Foundations We Lay

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you have to write six paragraphs just to say a simple no, then this may be a talk that you need to hear.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of The Foundations We Lay.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I am Tatiana, and in this space, we talk about the patterns that we exhibit that not only impact ourselves, but the people that we're close to and that we care about, including our friends, family, and sometimes even our colleagues.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: So today we are tackling boundaries and guilt.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us know about this, but it can still feel like a struggle.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And there are times we may we may feel like we need to tell a friend or a family member that we care about that they need to draw a line in the sand so that they don't over-exert themselves, so that they're not overcommitting to anything, and also so that they are not experiencing unnecessary hurt or even begin to completely hate something that they once enjoyed.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: But why is it hard for us to implement this thing?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: You may be someone who may feel guilty if you decide to draw a line in the sand.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Believing that it may not be a good decision because you feel guilty after saying no.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: But setting a boundary does not mean that you did something wrong.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it means that you are just learning to do something that you are uncomfortable with, something that you have not been conditioned to do.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing the opposite.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have spent years keeping the peace, putting other people first, feeling responsible for how someone else feels, that can be an uncomfortable adjustment.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about three ways that you can communicate your boundaries without feeling the need to explain yourself into exhaustion.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us have learned to maintain connection by making sure everybody else is okay.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So when you finally say no, you don't just say no, you explain why, and then you explain the explanation.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then you reassure the person that you're talking to that you still care about them.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And before you know it, you are trying to convince someone that you are allowed to make a decision because you're grown and whatever else reason.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that is taking your energy and your capacity.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be honest.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: How often does overexplaining these things actually help you out?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes overexplaining is an attempt to manage somebody else's reaction.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to understand, but underneath that, we may be hoping that they are approving the decision that we want to make, or so that we don't sit in the discomfort of disappointing them.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: And those are two different things.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: So if you grew up being the peacekeeper, the person who had to read the room, or the one who felt responsible for keeping everybody together, saying no might feel very uncomfortable at first.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: But again, that doesn't mean that the boundary is wrong.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: It just means that there is a pattern that's worth examining.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Also be reminded that the tone and the delivery of the boundary is another important thing as well.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm giving you three practical scripts that you can start using on your own.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Receiving the scripts doesn't mean that you're going to get it perfect.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It just means that you get to show up more intentional.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, tailor the script to however your voice and personality is.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with family because we know that this is where sometimes things can get complicated.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: You may love your family, you may want a healthy dynamic and relationship with them, and you may still need to say to them, this is the conversation that I don't want to have right now.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can also say, I love you.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to discuss this tonight.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: We can revisit this on Saturday, and that's it.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: You are still communicating care, but you're also sharing your limit, and you're offering a specific time to come back to the conversation if that is appropriate for that matter.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: So notice what didn't happen.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't list every reason why you reached your decision, you didn't defend your character, and you didn't make your boundary dependent on the other person's agreement.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because here it is, right here.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can explain yourself respectfully, but you cannot explain someone into respecting the boundaries that you place, especially if they don't want to accept it.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: So let's think about this.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: When you over-explain yourself to your family, are you communicating your needs or are you trying to prevent them from being upset with you?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Those are not always the same thing.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can love people and still allow them to have their feelings about the decisions you make.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's not your responsibility to try and tailor to every person's feelings and opinions.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you can pray for your family, you can encourage them to sit to seek support when they need it, and you can want the best for them without taking responsibility for fixing everything.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And some of these things you can also do at a distance.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: So know this that love does not require you to abandon your own needs.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go to the next thing.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Friends and people pleasing.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: There is there are sometimes moments when somebody asks us to do something, and the first instinct is to say yes, even though you may feel it in your body that you know you don't have the capacity to do it.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: But you agree because you don't want them to feel rejected.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: So you spend the next few days feeling frustrated because you committed to something that you actually did not want to do.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've done this.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: The frustration is worth paying attention to.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are some things that you may be able to say instead?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot commit to that, but here is what I can offer.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Another example can be I can't spend time with you on Saturday, but I can drop off food on Friday and spend about 20 minutes catching up.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let's offer another caveat.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to offer an alternative every time you want to say no.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because you only want to offer what you genuinely are willing and able to do.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: This point is not to make it easier for you to say no.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: The point is to communicate honestly about what you can offer without overextending yourself.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you consistently say yes when you mean no, the frustration just does not just disappear.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: It can show up in your attitude, your communication, and how you begin to view the relationship.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: So you may find yourself bringing up old situations, feeling resentful about things you technically agreed to do but never wanted to do.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And now you're dealing with two things: the original request and the resentment that came from not being honest about your capacity.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So this is why learning to set boundaries matters.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just about what you say to other people, it's also about the relationship that you're building with yourself.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: So communicate what you can do, be honest about what you cannot do, and resist the urge to send another message explaining why your answer is reasonable.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to keep reopening the decision just because you feel uncomfortable.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about when the guilt shows up after you say no.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: This portion is going to be for the moment where you have already set that boundary and the guilt begins to creep in.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: You may start replaying the conversation, possibly wondering if you were too direct or if you said something wrong.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: There may be a temptation to reach back out and to take everything back that you had already said so that you can feel comfortable again.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I want you to practice saying to yourself.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm feeling guilty because I'm uncomfortable.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can acknowledge how I'm feeling without letting it make the decision for me.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: So let's separate two things: feeling guilty and having something to feel accountable for.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, like as mentioned before, sometimes the guilt is worth examining.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: It could be that you communicated something poorly or that you dismissed someone's feelings.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: If so, take responsibility for that.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Really examine and search what is underneath the guilt that you feel.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes guilt shows up simply because you are no longer doing what people have expected you to do.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You get to learn how to tell the difference.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: So feeling uncomfortable doesn't automatically mean that you need to apologize for anything, or reverse your decision, or do something to make somebody else or everyone feel better.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And talking down to yourself isn't going to resolve the underlying pattern either.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: The work is learning to sit with the discomfort long enough to make a thoughtful decision instead of reacting just to get rid of the feeling.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you don't have to save everybody.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to resolve every family issue, even in one conversation.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to prove that you're a good person by constantly making yourself available and saying yes.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the work is simply holding the boundary that you already know that you need.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel guilty and still make a healthy decision.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're learning how to stop putting yourself last and want to make more intentional decisions.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Subscribe to the channel and tell me in the comments which is hardest for you: setting boundaries with family, friends, or the guilt that comes afterwards.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: So where do we go from here?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Remember these three things.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: One, you don't have to over-explain a reasonable boundary.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Two, you are allowed to care about how other people feel without taking responsibility for managing every reaction.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And three, discomfort is something that you can work through.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to treat it like an emergency.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: The more you practice setting clear, respectful boundaries, the more familiar the process will become.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: You may still feel uncomfortable sometimes, especially in relationships where the pattern has been established for years.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is not to never feel guilty, but to stop allowing guilt to make every decision for you.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I also want to leave you with this.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: We talk a lot about having compassion for other people, and of course that matters and it is important.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: But compassion also tells us or requires us to pay attention to how we treat ourselves.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you have become accustomed to becoming the dependable one, the available one, or the person who always makes things work, you may not even recognize when you are consistently operating beyond your capacity.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: So take moments to pause and pay attention to that.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can be kind without constantly being available.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can be supportive without becoming responsible for everyone's outcome.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you can love people without agreeing to everything they ask of you.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is not selfishness.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is learning to relate to people in a way that is honest, sustainable, and respectful of everyone involved.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: So start small.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: The next time you need to say no, say it clearly.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Resist the urge to turn it into a six-paragraph statement.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself permission to let your answer stand.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: So as always, thank you for your time and for your intentionality in listening to every episode.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can communicate your boundary clearly without taking on the responsibility of whether or not someone agrees with it.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, love on yourself, let your yes be your yes and your no be your no, and love on others.