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Transcript
- Romie Montpeirous: Welcome everyone back to another episode of Leadership from the Heart. I am your host, Romy, ⁓ we ride in solo today. So let's just jump right in. we're continue on this theme ⁓ of inner work for leadership, because I think I know that's the that it's going in. And you know, I wanna my part in talking about it. I think it's probably the most important. thing that we as leaders could do. you know, in my last episode I talked about the responsibility of leadership. And this week we're gonna kind of dive into that a little bit more. but we're come from a different angle. And so ⁓ hang tight ⁓ let's and roll. ⁓ So I know some people think that leadership problems are, you know, like problems and and and I wanna challenge the right? Because I'm starting to see, and I think I've always seen this, but I think it's got a lot clearer for me in the last couple of weeks that I it's the humans, right? I think human problems showing up at work. And you know I think that humans don't do what they need to do, in terms of like looking at their own trauma, seeing where their crap is and understanding their crap. Because I don't that you like I think it's two parts. I think you have to do the work, of course. but I think that you also have to be aware of where your triggers are. Like, where's your stuff? You know, because I just brought to the episode of Modern Family, the Junk Drawer, where all their junk was out and then the therapist left. I think you need to know where your stuff is in order for you to be a g a person, right? Because You know, I'm finding it really hard to see where you you don't know yourself enough to know you reacted the way you reacted. And I don't think you need to know at the time, but I think that you should know enough of yourself to know like that sometimes like us leaders are the problem, you know. and I know those statements they make make people feel very uncomfortable, but like how many times have we heard like ⁓ that's just the way Jim is. know, that's yeah, you know how Jim is. And I just don't think that that cuts it anymore. I don't think that like writing that off of that's just how they are. You know they're explosive. That's okay. Like that's just the way they've always been. That's literally the same statement of the reason why we do it this way, even if it's inefficient, is because it's the way we've always done it. It's the same thing, right? So writing off Jim because Yeah, you know, Jim has a short temper and so we just accept it. I think that's BS. And I'm calling BS on that. And I'm sorry if your name is Jim. know, my intention is not to smear you, Jim. It's just your it's the example, right? I the new approach, I think the new way to do things is to like tell that person how they're affecting the team, you, or whatever it is, Like allow give them the space and time to fix it. It's not gonna be overnight. Obviously, the way people are is because that's the way that they grew up, you know, and and not of us had the same kind of life growing up. And so it is our responsibility as the adults now, the leaders, to do the work to make sure that we're bringing our whole self, but also our best self in, you know, and I I again I think. ⁓ I think it's time for us leaders to start to see if the call is coming from inside the house. You know, because sometimes the call comes from inside the house. And we like to like it's not. We we don't want to talk about it. And, you know, we can go down a whole other path of like kids growing up and and them not safe. And that call was 90% ⁓ of the coming inside the house. And so I I I can't allow us to like keep knowing there's a problem and just, you know, putting it under the rug or pretending we don't know. We have to start knowing this stuff and we have to stop putting people through shit that we know about because we experienced Jim and his explosiveness. And, you know, it's just you just gotta get used to it. Like it's no when are we gonna start calling BS on this and drawing a line in the sand and saying, you know what? That doesn't really fit what we're trying to build here anymore. And you have an option. You have three options. You can do nothing, right? And and eventually, you know, things will happen. You can look at yourself and go do the work and whatever, right? And I don't even know what the third option is anymore because it's gone from my head because I don't know how somebody could not want to like be better. Just be better. I know it's hard. Trust me. It's not always fun to look at yourself. But we have to stop talking about work and leadership, like it's just strategy and execution and communication confidence. Because like ⁓ missing this entire piece of the human aspect, and we can't do most of this without the humans. I know that AI is coming. I know automation is coming, but guess who still has to like fix that and program it and check on it? It's still humans. So the human aspect is not going away. I think it's actually being. called forth to like fix your crap because AI doing the skill part now. So if AI is doing the skill part, humans have to step up and do the humans part. Like if the computer's gonna do what the computer does, and they're gonna be the one to design the strategy and to do the math and Humans, like you're you're not here for that anymore as much, right? So let's let's do what humans came here to do, which is to connect, to communicate, to do all the things, to for each other, to do things for each other. And and and we're still at work. We're not pretending that there's not results that are needed. I'm a very results focused leader. It's the only thing I care about, ⁓ know, I care about effort a lot, you know. But if the same you know, if all your effort still doesn't get us the result, then that's a different conversation. But like Yeah, I think it's time that we we start bringing ourselves to work and we start calling ourselves out and we start calling each other out in a very kind and thoughtful way so that it could be received, you know? all of those things like execution and strategy and you know, productivity, all of those things matter. All of those things matter a lot. Without that, you won't have a business, right? But after like 20 years in operations, I have to say that like. What you see literally just what's inside the leader amplified. Because money and power will both amplify more of who you are. So let's put leadership under the category of power. And Then we'll see what kind of person you are, right? So if you're, know, ⁓ fearful person, leadership magnify that. If you have some insecurity, your leadership will magnify that too. You know, if your unemotional or steadiness emotion is isn't quite there, your leadership will amplify that as well. You know, and I'm here to about leadership is becoming. And honestly, I think it's always been underneath the surface. I think now it's just getting louder and louder, you know. But it is strategy, because we need that, but it's also like the soul, the person, the being, right? The leader behind the leader. And I guess that's who I'm talking to right now. It is not the leader, not the mask that you put on when we go to work and we gotta blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But who's behind that when you're not at work? Are you self-leading yourself? Are you holding yourself accountable? Are you walking in integrity? Because I can tell you that if you're not doing those things for yourself, Then you're gonna fall into like one of these categories, right? You're either going to expect people to do things even though you're not doing things, or you're going to let everybody slide because you let yourself slide the time, right? And so I you, and I this is, you know, I have my notes here, but I'm kind of free flowing right now. I invite you to just hold yourself accountable for one thing this week. One thing say you're gonna do, I want you to do it. And I want you to. Freaking be happy when you complete it. I want you to give yourself the and the feeling of being proud of yourself when you do it. Because I think that that's just as equal, as equally as important as doing the thing, you know. but to the podcast. What ⁓ I'm to say is that I think that we're solving our leadership problems from symptoms instead of going to the root. And it's because going to the root, man, it's work. It's real, real, real work. But when you band-aid things you keep putting another band-aid and another band-aid and another band-aid eventually, it gets too heavy and it falls off. And then now we have this really scary thing that we have to look at. And I know we love to band-aid things in the corporate world. I I I know, I know. but think when we dissect it, know, I like to from the root with most things. Because I just want to fix it once and for all. It's my efficient brain. are some things that I don't want to go to the root of because you know how much work it's gonna take, you know. but know, we often look at problems like burnout, disengagement, micromanagement, the politics of things, people's emotional reactivity, their avoidance or their poor communication. You know, we often look at those things and and we ⁓ say this person needs better leadership skills. And yes, that is true, right? But what if these are just symptoms and not root causes? if like we've talked about this, like micromanagement is anxiety, right? If avoidance is obviously the fear of conflict. But like let's go deeper, right? Politics is your insecurity and your scarcity, thinking that there's not enough. And so you've got to do this and you gotta do that and you've got to polish and you've got to These things that aren't you. And there's a time and a place for all of this. I know, I know, you know? But what if, like, you know, burnout was like just because your identity is tied to your performance, that's where you think your value is. You know, what if all of these things are true? Then we fix that. But the thing is that then you would have to believe that you could still be successful without it. Because once we're successful in one thing, we often seem to think that it was we were successful because of X. And again, that is true. But we all know that what got you here won't get you there. And so I don't know. I think that there's a middle somewhere in between that. You know. But what if like, I wrote this line, like, what if the thing showing up at work started long before work? Like what if it started in like childhood? What if it started in like adolescence or in college or somewhere else? You know? so I want to ask you, where are you solving problems? Where you solving your own symptoms instead of to the root cause? Yeah, I've spent, like I said, the last fifteen, twenty years in leadership and I've watched really, really smart, capable people not be able to be promoted just because they they just can't get beyond themselves. And it's a lot. It's a lot of people because a lot of people have potential, a lot of big hearts, a lot of really good people. You know, because I think that most people are good. You know, I just think that like We have so much stuff is hard to look at. And so therefore we have these the the book coming to mind is the untethered soul. And so we just have these apparatuses that are like us because God forbid somebody come too close, because they might hurt us. And I get it. I it. but what we realize is ⁓ far we're keeping people away. ⁓ Because we're explosive, because we can't take somebody challenging our thoughts. Because we want to see who we think they should be. Because they get to be who they get to be and they're successful, then what does that mean about me? Like what does that mean about my performance? What does that mean? And we think of these things all the time. We're like, that guy? Really? That guy? And we have all these stories, you know? ⁓ But I I I'm saying let's challenge those stories. I'm saying let's challenge those stories. I'm saying let's look at the thing, you know. And I'm not saying this because I read a book. I'm saying this because I've watched it happen over and over and over and over again. You know, the people that I coach, the clients that I have, I'm I'm talking to them and and everybody else is the problem, you know? And Just bring them right back to themselves because it that's the only person that you can in fact control is yourself. You know, and everything else is just an illusion. It's just making you think you're in control, but you're not. You're not. And the faster you can accept that, the results that you'll get are won't even you won't even believe it. But that's why it's like that. You know what I mean? Like that's why it's so deep. Because you have to be able to like go that deep in order for you to feel like this high kind of a thing. You know, and it would it would suck if you're a person that is good at what they do, but because you can't regulate yourself, you will you've hit a ceiling that you can never break through. You know, seen ⁓ opposite be true too. I've seen average become incredible leaders because they've the internal work and they know how to emotionally regulate and they know how to get the best out of people because they they know ⁓ themselves. So ha automatically have empathy for other people and they want to understand them. And that's important. Wanting to understand others ⁓ where they're from, their story, a little bit of their background. Not everybody. I've led 225 drivers. Did I know all of their names? Yes. But did I know all of their stories? No. Right? But like they knew enough that I they knew I cared, right? That if they wanted to come tell me their story, I would absolutely freaking listen. That is what's important. It's not that you do the thing, right? That doing it obviously is what creates the trust. But it's for me at least, for my people to know that they can come to me at any time and we can talk about anything. That is what's important. That is what it is all about to me, right? That they know they can. That gives them comfort. It gives me comfort. We're always gonna work through it. We're always gonna find a way out. It may not work, it may not be a win-win-win, right? But we'll find a way. There's always a way, you know? And so what I didn't realize I was doing this whole time was just putting the soul and the human back, it the love back into leadership, you know. I I did know that you know leadership was deep work because remember the first time I was offended when I was a new leader and and and what I couldn't do, I couldn't react the way I wanted to. And then I said, this this is gonna be different. This is gonna take some restraint. And so I had to go find how do I find restraint? Because I've never needed it before, you know, ⁓ you it in life, but now like somebody's challenging you in the workplace and you're a leader. So you have the ability. You see what I'm saying? Like you have the ability to retaliate. And yet mentor was just like, you don't. You don't. And I didn't understand why. But I I did understand. well, if I'm going to have to regulate myself, I didn't know that was a term back then. This was, you know, again, 15 years ago or whatever. But I knew I was just like, ⁓ this is some deep stuff. And and you know. Thankfully I was in the church and all that stuff back then. So, you know, I was able to like kind of pray about it and go to God with it and stuff like that. But like I knew then, I knew then. I knew right then and there that I was going to have to look inside for some things because people mattered. Right? Like the people that were counting on me, they mattered. Right. That's that's somebody's kid, that's somebody's son, that's somebody's daughter, that's somebody's father. That's somebody's mother. You know what I mean? Like that's somebody's brother, cousin. Somebody loves that person. And so you can't just retaliate. You can't just react. You have to find the place within you that can be objective, even if they can't, because you're the leader. You're held to a different standard, and standards matter. You know, and I knew that I could get the result. ⁓ That I needed from people much easier when I was wanting to understand them. And I knew where, you know, the story that I'm coming up with that I'm talking about is where a guy disrespected me and I was new at leadership. Because I understood, like he may be hurting. Why would you want to say that about somebody? You must be hurting. And from that place, I felt, you know, empathy. I felt sad for him because that sucks. hurt people do hurt people. You know, and again, the the best and the greatest leaders I've ever had the privilege of working alongside or studying under, they they weren't loud leaders, man. They were just clear about what they wanted to see. If this episode is hitting you, please share it with a leader who feels pressure, but doesn't always have the language what's happening internally. Because these are the conversations I think corporate needs to start having if we plan on going down this path where automation and AI is going to handle the strategic skill part. But the humans are still needed for the human part. You know, and so we've got to get to this point. We've got to get here. Yeah. I say that leadership just amplifies more of who you are. So your internal chaos is what see externally as chaos. And if your life is chaotic, it's because it's chaotic inside, right? So within as within, so without. As above, so below. All of those things are true. All of those things are true. And the examples of what it is if you're clear and regulated inside what you see outside is just even when it tries to get crazy. ⁓ Even when the shit's hitting the fan and they're like, hey, you're like, cool, what's going on? Let's talk about this. Then you you ask your questions and then you get to move, probably faster than you would if it was chaotic. Much faster because you're the thermostat leader. You don't you're not the thermometer. You're the thermostat. You set the tone, you set the pace. You know, a couple of examples of this that I wrote here is that fear is micromanagement and security is over control. People pleasing usually means that you have weak boundaries. lack of self-trust looks like you not making decisions. Emotional dysregulation is a reactive culture. Scarcity mindset looks like somebody who's performing. They're doing politics or they have territorial behavior. And the need for approval looks like a lack of accountability. You know, leaders create the environment and the culture much faster than policies or mission statements ever Because people don't only respond to the rules, they respond to you, your tone, your safety, your consistency, your clarity, the trust that you exude. sounding too clinical, pressure changes people. And I and I know we all know that. And I think that on the flip side, leaders need more for the pressure that they carry. You know, ⁓ for what it feels like because it's not light sometimes. But leaders under pressure often default to survival patterns. So they need the y to control things or they need to make everything feel like a super nine one one emergency because that's the way they operate. They overworking could be another symptom of what survival looks like. Lashing out or being explosive. Or avoiding, which is one that I just I don't know why it it makes me sad to see when leaders avoid things because I think a lot of those conversations could be a lot of the performance or the production issues could be avoided with a simple conversation. And so I'd to look at the let's say having the conversation 15% and the performance or the productivity is 85%. My mind automatically goes to, and I don't know why those numbers came up. Those that's just what came up, but my mind automatically goes to I'd rather do the fifteen percent now than have than not do that, right? And then have to do the 85% of the work later. That's just where my mind goes. And so that's why it's hard for me to understand why people won't have difficult conversations. And I say that to say this. At work, really good at these conversations. At home, not so much. So I I do understand. I know where the fear comes from. But when I'm at work, I'm just like, ⁓ well, the result matters the most. So if the result matters the most, fear doesn't matter because the result matters the most. Right. And so I guess I'm to frame it in so in this way that the result is what matters the most. And therefore, anything that has less importance doesn't even matter. It just gets overridden, is what I'm trying to say. and so many myself included, believe that required, you know, suppressing my emotions or performing constantly is one that I would say was definitely one that I had. You know, I remember being sat down being told that I needed to be harder, that I needed to harden my heart or wear a mask and be all business. ⁓ I'll never forget those kinds of conversations. And I just knew that it just wasn't me. I wasn't gonna do that well. I didn't know how. And I was unwilling to learn from being honest, you know. And the biggest thing that I see people do is disconnect from themselves. And like all the other ones, I really do understand this one. You know, it makes it easier when you disconnect from yourself. It makes it easier to make tough decisions, it makes it easier to. Have difficult conversations. But I like to challenge this thinking because happens when you disconnect during a of making difficult decisions is that you removed the heart from it. And when you remove the heart from making tough decisions, people are going to feel the lack of humanity in the decisions that you made. And therefore, you can't come back. As a people leader, people have seen the decisions you made, ⁓ because you were disconnected, they look heartless because were. Instead, I say, feel it. Yeah, you're gonna make tough decisions that impact people's lives. Yes, you're gonna have to you're running a business. Those things are gonna have to happen, but filter it through your heart so that decisions that you make. Your heart will be seen in those decisions. People understand that business is tough sometimes and that tough calls have to be made. What they don't expect you to be is this people leader this entire time until it came down to making tough decisions. And now you're heartless. And then you try to re-enter the arena as the heart-led leader, and you're just not anymore. You're just not. And Being a heart-led leader doesn't dilute leadership. It doesn't stop you from tough decisions or having accountability. I actually think it strengthens it. As I listened to DG Mindset, this other guy, Derek, and ⁓ talks a story once in one of his podcasts where he and his son made a deal. He's training his son in basketball, and he and his son made a deal that he would like. 10 baskets then like sprint, but he had to make 10 in a row. And let's say that this was like 10 rounds of this. ⁓ anytime he he would have to start over. And he was on like, let's say, like round nine. And so he's almost there. But he one of those baskets. And therefore he had to start all over. And as uncomfortable as it is as his father, I would imagine. To say, okay, we gotta start all over. As uncomfortable as that is, because we we know what that feels like, right? You know what that feels like to be almost there and then just get smacked down. He held the line. And even though his son was like kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum to like, this is not fair, all these things, his dad just held the line. He held the standard. He held the standard. Do know how much love, real love that takes to hold the standard? Even when you know the person is hurting, even when you know what that feels like, even when you know all the things, that I think is real love. That I think is leading from your heart. That is saying, I know this is a tough decision and it sucks, but I'm gonna hold the standard. I'm gonna hold the standard, even though I'm uncomfortable, even though it would make me feel more comfortable, let this one slide, to look the other way, to say nine is good enough. I don't know. That that kind of wrecked me a little bit. It's been a while since I heard that episode, but I know when I heard it, I felt for the kid. And I felt for the dad who had to hold the line. Because I know you know what the dad is feeling inside. Your kid is hurting. How do you not crack under that? That's real love. That's what I say love is, at least. And so the other way, the old style, know, the old style just won't work anymore. It just won't work anymore. We need more integrated leaders. Because I do think that the two things could exist, right? I think that strategy and humanity go together. I think that standards ⁓ emotional intelligence go together. Because Think about the story I just talked about. He had to hold the standard his emotions at the same time. I don't know. I leave that with you. Accountability and compassion go together. and regulation go together. Confidence and humility go together. executive thinking and emotional maturity go together. It's dualistic. It's It has to go together. There wouldn't be one without the other. So let's stop pretending that one exists. ⁓ And when walk into the door, Only one exists. Both exist. It's fine. I know that it worked for I don't know how many years the other way, but now we're getting to a different place. And you don't have to choose between being respected and being human. You can have both. The future of leadership must be self-aware. You have to know what's driving your behavior. It has to be emotional maturity. And these are questions that you can ask yourself about these topics. You know, can I lead under pressure without emotionally projecting onto other people? It has to be relational intelligence. Can I or do I build trust, clarity, and emotional safety? And if the answer is no to these guys, no to these things, guys, that's okay. Awareness what you need. Then you can start. Then you can look things up and read books and listen to podcasts and You know, reach out to me and we could figure it out. But you've got to know what you're doing here. Without knowing what you're doing, we're at zero. We're at negative. Right? It has to be strategic thinking. Can I zoom out under pressure? And I think a more important question is: can I think about how can I zoom out under this pressure? I have to zoom out. I have to be the one to see the bigger picture if nobody else is. It has to be identity stability. Can success stop defining who you are? Can you understand that your value is not in what you produce but who you are? That's the key. And your reflection question for this episode is what part of me is currently leading? Is it the clarity? Is it the scarcity? Is it fear? Is it ego? And just keep it real with yourself. Remember, it's just you with you. Nobody else has to know. It's just you with you. And if you've I find that if you keep it real with yourself, you'll start to have grace for yourself. And a really cool place to be, to have grace for yourself. And if you felt like you've ever had to lose to be successful in corporate leadership. I want you to know that there's another way. Leadership is not becoming colder or harder pretending that you don't feel anything anymore. It's becoming integrated with all of who you are, becoming more aware, more strategic, more human, more of who you are inside. You are setting the culture. And the future of leadership belongs to the leaders who hold the standard, who can hold the room without losing their humanity. That's where it's at. So if this episode, if this episode hit you, you are exactly the kind of leader I built this work for. Whether it's through mentorship or joining the leadership circle waitlist, this is the work. It's all of it. It's strategy, self-awareness, identity, emotional maturity, leaders that get results. you don't have to lose yourself. Not anymore. Let's start, let's start going in this new direction where you like yourself at work and at home. Because both of those people can exist. At least that's what I'm finding out. Until time, guys. I'll see you on another episode of Leadership from the Heart. Please like, share, and subscribe. And of course you can always find me in the show notes. ya later.