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Are You Anxious, Avoidant or Secure in Relationships? · Rooted Thoughts

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Tierra and this is Real Thoughts Podcast.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: So on this episode, in the next few episodes, we're going to be talking about attachment styles.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be a short series.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure if I'm going to do two or three episodes at this moment.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Only thing I know right now is that it's going to be more than one episode, and that's because I do want to kind of go deep within this particular topic.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that it can't all be covered within one episode.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And my reason for wanting to cover this particular topic is because I feel like there are probably a lot of people who were or are like myself or how I once was, and they had no idea what this was.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing about this is that when I learned about attachment styles, um, this is probably about five years ago, four years ago, something like that.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: It helped me tremendously.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go ahead and get right into it.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever asked yourself, why am I like this in relationships?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or why is that person like that in relationships?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: One thing about relationships is that they will hold up a mirror to yourself and show you exactly what it is that you need to work on.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And this is because relationships can activate things that may not show up when you are alone.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships can show you that you may have fear of being left, a fear of being rejected, difficulty trusting, difficulty being vulnerable, constant need for reassurance, or on the other hand, you may be someone that pulls away when things become emotionally intense, you may be someone that confuses conflict with the relationship being in danger, or you may totally feel responsible for keeping another person happy.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment theory is just one framework for understanding patterns.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a way to explain every single behavior.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: But before we begin to talk about the different attachment styles, the bigger topic that we need to discuss is where do these patterns come from?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, where do our attachment styles come from?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment theory is a psychological framework that states that the bonds formed with children and their primary caregivers contribute to expectations about things like will someone be there for me when I need them?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Is it safe for me to need people?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Can I trust people and still be independent?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: This theory says that these bonds shape how we navigate trust, intimacy, and relationships.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: But to be clear, our attachment tendencies aren't necessarily a permanent stamp that's placed on us during childhood.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's important to say this because I don't want anyone going through life with the mentality, I have always been this way and I'm gonna always be like this.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because to me, that's just an excuse in a way of pretending like you are incapable of changing anything about your behaviors.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because even though those early bonds created those attachment styles to begin with, later friendships, romantic relationships, betrayal, loss, trauma, healing, and healthy relationships can all affect the way that we relate to people.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are someone who frequently says things like, I'm just independent, I'm just clingy, I don't need anybody, or I overthink everything.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, maybe, but sometimes there's a story behind that behavior.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: So once you start to understand the four attachment styles that we're gonna talk about, you may start recognizing things that you have done for years without even realizing why.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And not only that, but it will help you to understand and handle other people better by helping you to have more compassion for others rather than allowing them to piss you off all the time.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Real Thoughts Podcast with your host, Tiara.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: So the first attachment style that we're gonna start with is secure attachment, which by the way is the one that we should all be striving to be.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is the I can love you without losing myself.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Secure attachment means that you are comfortable with both emotional intimacy and independence.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean that you are never jealous, never anxious, never hurt, never need reassurance, never argue, or have a perfect childhood.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: It just means that you are able to experience closeness and independence at the same time.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to give you an example of what this may look like.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say your husband or wife has been quieter than usual.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: A secure response would be, hey, you seem a little distant today.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is everything okay?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you notice with that response, you're not automatically setting your mind that they're losing interest in you, but you're also not saying, I don't care, and I'm not asking.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: A person with a secure attachment can notice something, communicate, and tolerate not immediately knowing the answer.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So now I want you to ask yourself, when something feels off in a relationship, do you come from a place of curiosity and seek clarity, or do you immediately seek protection?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason that I'm asking this is because when connection doesn't feel secure, that usually leads to us finding some type of way to protect ourselves.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And for some people, protection looks like getting closer.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And for other people, protection looks like creating distance.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Real Thoughts Podcast with your host, Tiara.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: So next we're going to talk about anxious attachment.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is the please show me that we're okay.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Anxious attachment means that you crave high levels of closeness, but you're also feeding this deep fear of abandonment or rejection.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to give you a scenario to describe what this looks like.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you send someone a text message, and normally they respond fast, but this time it takes them a very long time.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: What happens inside of you when something like this happens?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Someone with more anxious tendencies might start thinking, did I do something wrong?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Are they upset?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Are they pulling away?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I should text again?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or something feels different.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: But for people with anxious attachment, often the deeper concern isn't really the text.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: The concern is, is our connection still safe?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: People with this attachment style will oftentimes show a pattern of one or more of the following things.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: This could look like often reading deeply into changes in communication, often seeking reassurance, having a difficult time tolerating uncertainty, becoming hyper-aware of someone's mood, sometimes sacrificing personal needs to preserve connection, and having a deep fear of being rejected or abandoned.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling anxious really isn't a problem, though.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's more so of what do you do with that anxiety that matters.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is also where accountability comes into play because we can expect someone else to calm every anxious feeling that we experience.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: But here's where relationships can get complicated.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: That same reassurance, closeness, and more conversation that can make one person feel safe can make another person feel overwhelmed.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: So where one person's instinct may be to move closer when they're uncomfortable, someone else's instinct may be to move away.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Real Thoughts Podcast with your host, Tiara.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that takes us to the next attachment style, which is avoiding attachment.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is the I feel safer handling things myself attachment.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Avoiding attachment means that you value extreme self-reliance and independence so much to the point that emotional intimacy feels threatening.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, even though it may feel like it, avoiding does not automatically mean uncaring, emotionally unavailable, or incapable of love, even though it feels like it.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: So using the same scenario from the previous attachment style, where we talked about when something feels wrong in a relationship, the anxious person leans towards, can we please talk about this?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: But the person with avoidant tendencies may lean towards, I need a minute, why does everything have to become a conversation?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or I'll deal with it myself.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: People with avoidant attachment style patterns may include difficulty asking for help, feeling uncomfortable depending on others, pulling away during emotional intensity, even when they are the cause of it, minimizing emotional needs, valuing independence very strongly, difficulty expressing vulnerability, and even feeling smothered when someone seeks significant reassurance.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I also want to be very clear when I say that independence and avoidance are not the same thing at all.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy independence is saying I can take care of myself and I can also allow other people to support me.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: But extreme self-protection is saying I have to take care of myself because relying on someone else doesn't feel safe.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens when you feel like you are being pulled in two different directions at the same time?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: When you desperately want connection, but connection itself also makes you afraid.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: This takes us into the next attachment style, which is fearful avoidant attachment, also known as disorganized.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is the come close but not too close.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Disorganized or a fearful avoidant attachment is when a person desperately craves love and deeply fears it all at the same time.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And this causes them to feel like they are trapped in a push and pull dynamic.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: This may look like a person saying that they want their person and they want someone to really know them and love them.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: But as soon as they get what they want and someone does do all these things, they start to say, oh, this is real dangerous, or this is just too much.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Some patterns that you may notice in a person with this attachment style is wanting intimacy but becoming uncomfortable once it arrives, difficulty trusting, moving towards someone, then withdrawing, fear of rejection combined with fear of dependence or feeling conflicted about vulnerability.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And to anyone that's looking at this behavior from the outside, it can look mad confusing, but it can make much more sense once you understand what this person is trying to protect themselves from.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have listened to this episode up until this point, then you are probably already thinking, okay, I know exactly which one I am.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: But before you put yourself or someone else in a box, there is another part of this that we need to talk about.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that is that we need to remember not to turn attachment styles into personality types.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment styles is one of those things that has become so popular online that some people have started to misuse it in the same way that they misuse zodiac signs.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when a person blames every single thing on a particular sign, or in this case, on their attachment style.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment style is not an excuse.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Someone can't just say, I'm avoidant, so I disappear whenever things get uncomfortable, or I'm anxious, so you need to answer me immediately.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding where and what created certain behaviors in people can create compassion, but that doesn't eliminate responsibility.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now imagine a relationship where when one person experiences distance and thinks something is wrong, I need to get closer, the other person is thinking, this is too much, I need some space.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now you have one person moving closer and the other person moving further away.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: The person moving closer is becoming more and more anxious, and the person moving away is becoming more overwhelmed.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And now each person is doing the exact thing that triggers the other person.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: So in the next episode, we're going to be talking about what happens when these different attachment styles come together.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: So don't forget to like my podcast, subscribe to my podcast, and tell somebody else about it.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you felt like it helps you in any type of way, I don't care if it's just one episode, then it can definitely help someone else.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And also don't forget to come back here next week at the same time so we can jump into part two of this.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tierra, and this is Ruin Thoughts Podcast.