Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Give Tough Feedback
Transcript
- Lucas: So you've been a manager for about three months now. You're getting the hang of one-on-ones, delegation, maybe even hiring. Then one afternoon, your own manager sends you a note: 'Have you noticed that Dana's been late on the last three deliverables?' And suddenly, you're staring at the hardest thing you've done yet in this job. Luna: And that is? Give the person direct, specific, uncomfortable feedback. The thing nobody trained us for. Lucas: Exactly. Today we're going to get practical about how to have that conversation without blowing up the relationship or avoiding it until it's a crisis. This is the exact scenario I see new managers struggle with the most. And there's a framework that makes it a lot less scary. Luna: What's the framework? Because I'm guessing it's not the old 'sandwich' approach where you compliment, criticize, compliment. Lucas: Right, and we'll get to why that fails. But first, let's set the scene. Dana has missed three deadlines. The first time, you let it slide because she had a family thing. The second time, you mentioned it briefly in a one-on-one, but you didn't want to make it a big deal. Now the third one just happened, and your boss is asking questions. Luna: So the pattern is already there. That's the danger of not addressing it early. Lucas: Exactly. The research on feedback shows that the sooner you give it after the behavior, the more effective it is. But we're also taught to pick our battles. So there's a tension there. But in this case, the pattern is clear, and it's time to have a formal conversation. Luna: So where do you start? Do you just schedule a meeting and say 'We need to talk about your missed deadlines'? Lucas: That's the blunt approach, and it can work, but it can also put Dana on the defensive immediately. A better way is to use the SBI model. Situation, Behavior, Impact. You describe the specific situation, the observable behavior, and the impact it had on the team or the project. No judgment, no interpretation. Luna: Okay, break that down. Give us an example. Lucas: So, in our scenario, you might say: 'In our last three projects, the final deliverables were submitted two days after the deadline. When that happens, the rest of the team has to shift their schedules to accommodate, and it creates a bottleneck in our release process.' That's it. You're not saying she's lazy or disorganized. You're just stating facts. Luna: I like that it's concrete. But what if Dana gets defensive anyway? That's my fear. Lucas: That's a real risk. But the SBI model helps you stay on track. If she gets defensive, you can say, 'I hear you, and we can talk about that. But I also want to make sure we address the pattern of missed deadlines.' You acknowledge her feelings without letting the conversation get derailed. Luna: So you're not just dropping the feedback and leaving. You're opening a dialog. Lucas: Exactly. And after you've stated the situation, behavior, and impact, you should pause and ask for her perspective. Something like, 'What's going on from your side?' You might learn that there's a reason—maybe she's overwhelmed, maybe she's waiting on input from another team. But you don't know until you ask. Luna: And once you've heard her side, then what? Lucas: Then you collaborate on a plan. The goal is not to just dump the problem on her. It's to solve it together. So you might say, 'What would help you hit the next deadline? Do you need more support? Should we adjust the scope?' You're co-creating the solution. Luna: That sounds a lot more productive than just saying 'you need to do better.' Lucas: And it is. But here's the thing: a lot of new managers default to the compliment sandwich because they're scared of the directness. They think, 'If I start with something positive, it'll soften the blow.' But research shows that people tend to remember the negative part more, and the positive praise gets discounted. It can also feel manipulative. Luna: So the sandwich is actually counterproductive. Lucas: In most cases, yeah. The better approach is to separate praise from criticism. Give positive feedback when it's deserved, and give tough feedback on its own, using SBI. That way, each one is clear and sincere. Luna: Okay, so we've prepared, we've had the conversation. What about after? I feel like that's where a lot of managers drop the ball. Lucas: The follow-up is critical. You want to avoid what some people call the 'feedback hangover'. That's when the person feels awful for days and doesn't know where they stand. So the next day, check in. Just a quick note or a brief conversation: 'Hey, I wanted to see how you're feeling about our talk. I'm glad we had it, and I'm here to support you.' Luna: That's a good way to show you care about the person, not just the performance. Lucas: And it reinforces that the conversation was about improvement, not punishment. Then you also want to set a clear expectation for the next deliverable. Maybe you agree on a specific date, and you put it in writing. That's not about covering yourself—it's about clarity. Luna: Speaking of writing, how much should you document? I've had managers who never write anything down, and others who seem to document every little thing. Lucas: You want to strike a balance. For a significant feedback conversation like this, it's wise to send a short summary email after the meeting. Something like, 'Thanks for chatting today. We agreed that the next deliverable will be submitted by Friday, and we'll check in on Wednesday to see how things are going.' That way, there's no ambiguity about what was discussed. Luna: That's also useful if things don't improve and you need to escalate. Lucas: Exactly. It's not about building a case against someone. It's about making sure everyone is on the same page. And if the behavior doesn't change, you have a clear record of the conversation and the agreed-upon plan. That's fair to both of you. Luna: Let's talk about the emotional side of this for a second. As a new manager, your first tough feedback conversation can feel really stressful. You might even lose sleep over it. Lucas: Oh, absolutely. And that's normal. But the more you prepare, the less anxious you'll feel. Rehearse what you're going to say. Maybe even say it out loud. And remember that your job is to be helpful, not to be liked. You can't control how Dana reacts, but you can control how you deliver the message. Luna: And if you're really struggling, you could always practice with a peer or a mentor. Lucas: That's a great tip. Run the SBI script by someone you trust. They can give you feedback on your feedback. And that's also something that we try to do here on the show. Luna: Yeah, and speaking of that, we get a lot of messages from listeners who say the show has helped them think through tricky management situations. And we're really glad it does. If you've found value in these conversations, one way to keep them going is to support the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a simple way to help us keep making episodes like this one. Lucas: That's right. Every bit helps, and we appreciate it. But back to feedback. There's one more mistake I see new managers make: they give feedback only when something goes wrong. They forget to give positive feedback when things go well. Luna: And that's a missed opportunity to reinforce good behavior. Lucas: Exactly. So make it a habit to catch people doing things right and say something specific. 'I really appreciated how you handled that client call today. You kept your cool and asked great questions.' That kind of feedback is just as important as the tough stuff. Luna: So the takeaway is: use SBI for the tough conversations, check in afterward, and don't forget to praise the good stuff. Lucas: And if you do that, you'll build a team that trusts you, because they know you're honest and fair. And that's really the foundation of good management. Luna: Thanks for joining us. We'll be back next week with another conversation. Lucas: Until then, go have that conversation you've been putting off. You've got this.