Latest / Reverse Jackass / Ep64: Evelyn remembers the milk miracle; Nick gets raisin rich.

Transcript

Ep64: Evelyn remembers the milk miracle; Nick gets raisin rich. · Reverse Jackass

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's revolution.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm locked and loaded.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready for what the blade is cooking?
• 0:12
  unknown: I'm ready for what the blade is cooking.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ready to get shot by the blade.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 0:20
  unknown: Yeah.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Folks, welcome to the reverse jackass podcast.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: We're so glad you're here.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Nick.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: With me as always is Evelyn, the Canadian Blade.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Evelyn.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, everyone.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I am glad you're here.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I am maybe 10% more glad you're here than Nick.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe even 15%.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: At least, at least.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta say, I'm I'm pretty glad you're here, and Evelyn is carrying the rest of the burden for us.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: But on average, we're both very glad that you're um here today.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: We're both very tired today, but Evelyn has told me she has an easy prompt.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um she's generally honest and a reliable narrator, so I think I'm ready to coast into this week's episode.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: You want to start us off, Blade?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Hi too.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Chop chop.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, so that's that'd be great if I had a tagline.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Evelyn, the Canadian blade, chop, chop, chop, chop.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: You should do it.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's good.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then can you get like a can you get like a sound effect, like a like a little Does that sound is that referring to like what are the what are the blades doing?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's a blade that's like chop chopping, like it's chopping twice in a row, but there's also just that little like zing that you hear at the end of a blade, like almost like when you just when you're sharpening?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Almost a little bit.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know why they use that, but I feel like I feel like sound people in Hollywood like they chop and they go, and it's not just a crack, it's also a little like zing.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's a zing, and there it's almost it almost goes into sword territory.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Almost sword territory, which was actually one of the names of this podcast that we that we almost sword territory.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Great callback.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Almost sword territory, but it doesn't trip off the tongue.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, we just haven't said it enough.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Reverse jackass, just I can I say it in my sleep.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Say it in my nightmares anymore.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, maybe you should be the American sword, the Californian sword.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: The California Sword Territory.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, anyway, before this turns into something that I have to cut out entirely, let's get into today's prompt.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ready.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I have permission to tell this story as well, because this is not a story about me, but I have sought out permission, and this story is a story directly from my sister.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um what up?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: What up, Ween?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: So uh when we were younger, and I think the uh rough timeline here is that she might have been in, I don't know, grade one, two, kindergarten, grade one, three, OAC, grade 12, 13, who knows?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say kindergarten grade one.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: She was at school, just a normal day, but tragedy struck before lunch.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that tragedy was her peeing her pants.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I got permission to share this because I didn't want to I didn't want to, I note, you know, although she is 39 years older than she would have been, you just never know.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: You as a therapist would know that sometimes these incidences stick with us much longer than we would choose.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: So she's okay with me announcing to all 17 listeners that we have that she in fact soiled herself at lunch.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this was beyond the age of us like packing extra pants.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even think we ever did that at that age.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I I know that's a thing now where you know backpacks are full of wardrobe changes, underwear changes, socks, shoes, whatever.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, that's a thing now.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, not when I was a teacher because I taught high school, but you know, as far as I was.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was a thing when I was a kid.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: I had to have a spare set of clothes when I was in preschool.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so maybe this was just not a thing we did in our house.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, Heather, Peter Pants.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: And by the way, I'm already satisfied with the story.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: If that's where the story ends, I'm here for it.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, go ahead.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, my question for you, Nick, is I'm just kidding.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so didn't have any extra pants.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: What what is one to do?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what do you what are you gonna do?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so she went to the teacher, obviously.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I that's what you do, you ask for help in these kind of situations.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the teacher said, Don't worry, I'm gonna get you a new pair of pants out of the lost and found.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And as you can imagine, uh, there would be a variety of sizes of pants in the lost and found.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: I would not, I would not, because my question would be, what is this weird school where kids are taking off their pants all the time and not getting them back?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like the fact that there was a single spare set of pants unaccounted for concerns me.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: And the teacher's like, I don't know, man, I got all these discarded little kids' pants.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Let me just wade through the little kids' hands and feet, chopped off ears to the bottom and get you a pair of clean pants.
• 5:01
  unknown: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, let me go to the graveyard.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Let me go to the dumpster out back.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see what we can see what I can really do.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: You'll look spick and span.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: What I just heard in my head was if you're blue and you don't know where to go to, like I was getting a little putting on the writs in my head.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, that's not what happened.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, first of all, this was a kindergarten to grade eight school.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So if you think about it, like, you know, you'd have kids leaving a sweatshirt behind, like a hoodie behind in class, or if you changed, you know, you you had soccer practice, maybe you changed, maybe you, I don't know, left a pair of sweatpants in the in the change room or something.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's how this collection kind of comes to be.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: So our teacher rooted around in the lost and found and then found a pair of jeans, which was great.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: The problem was these jeans were not Heather's size.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: They were, in fact, many sizes too big.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: There were there were no belts in the Lost and Found.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um it said slut in rhinestones across the ass.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: So the size is really the least of the size was the least.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: So she wore them inside out, is why she's so sadly.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I do have a story about things written on bums, though.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that'll be a different podcast, or maybe that'll just get told today.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: So the the solution that the teacher had to help Heather into these pants that were probably three or four sizes too big was to wrap rope in the belt loops.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like so she was wearing a sorry, I won't I try not to play this card too much, but what a hilarious bunch of farm people.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: It was a it was like a hemp rope as a belt.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Probably a lot of that in the lost in found, too.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: We'll go, we'll uh we'll dig through the plows and the trowels and the feed bags, and then we'll get a we'll get a hemp rope and we'll uh we'll get these slut pants up on you in no time.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: These little girls.
• 7:05
  unknown: Little girl.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's a that's you're it was like you were there.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you were there.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So she's got this rope and uh he's really like looped around.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: These pants are massive, right?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: They're dragging on the floor.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And Heather said, they're gonna notice after lunch that I'm not wearing the same pants I was wearing before lunch.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what do we do if people ask?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And the teacher said, Don't worry, I'll just tell them that you won these pants in in the milk draw because we always had a like a milk contest at lunch, right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: We'd get the I wish you could all see Nick's face right now.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: There was always like the you know, little cartons of milk that were sold at the table outside of the main office, right?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: With the juice, usually not competitive in the States, by the way.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, this is this was like we were out for blood with this thing.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you opened it up and there was that secret tab on the inside or something, and I didn't drink milk, so I never I never got to participate, but I loved being the milk monitor.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's a different story for another time, too.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it was like being a narc, but like when you're 10, you know.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: So what is the sorry, we need context because we don't have contests with milk in the States.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: What is the secret tab?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: What are we talking about here?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's only a matter of time because you're gonna have contests with raw milk pretty soon, I imagine.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, uh, those are those are gonna be survival contests.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: A Stephen King-esque digestive explosion survival contest.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's true.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, what was your question?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: What'd you ask?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: My question was what what secret tab are you talking about?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: What is the contest like?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: How were you, how did it thrill you to be a milk monitor?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: I need all this content.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's just that you would like there were those little like what like one, like 250 mil curtains, or like, sorry, gosh, I don't even know what that would be for you guys.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: No, I know what you're talking about.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: We had them, we had the milk.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: We just didn't have any or strangle like a normal person.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, no, sometimes like there was a contest, like there was like a winning, there's a thing I remember, and I don't know how this worked, and it's just in my brain, so we're just gonna go with it, is that you would open up the tab, like the open up the milk carton, and it would moo.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of like it felt like a full carton of milk, but there was actually like something inside that would be like the moo, and then you would win.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: You'd win like a t-shirt or something.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And there were a lot of these, like there was there one every every lunch period somebody got one, or no, no, not one every lunch.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: It would, I don't remember how often this was.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just remember it was the talk of the school.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: So surreal.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it's so surreal and it's great, and it was a little bit of optimism that I quite frankly think we could all use at this point in our lives.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to I'd love to open up a can or a bottle or a carton of something and have it moo at me.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if it's engine oil.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I just want something to make a sound at me.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: It'd be nice.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not asking too much.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: But the teacher said that she would tell the other students that Heather won these terribly fitting, oversized, pre-loved pants with a rope in them in the milk carton, and everyone bought it.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone And did everybody go, oh, I guess I don't want to win the contest anymore.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: No, everyone was like, Like, if that's the prize.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: No, they were like, this is awesome.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is the coolest thing.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Fucking crazy.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I know, like it didn't take much.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: We really were, we were just so excited to be, you know, alive, I guess.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: In the presence of a champion.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: In the presence of a champion.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: So my question for you, Nickher gang, weather, gang, gang.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Poor she's a jolly good fat.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: She's up on the shoulders.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Her comical pants tenuously held by a hemp rope.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Hip hip, hooray! Hooray.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Thrown up.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like it looks, it's if you didn't know, you would think it was someone's batman happening when she was on the chair, and everyone was just like so just throwing her up in the air, and she has these pants that were, I mean, that's dangerous because they could have shimmied off at any moment.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the story of how Heather Peter pants and her the teacher covered her bum, like literally and figuratively.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but really the teacher came through for her.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so my question for you, Nick, is what's the best thing you've ever won?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: That is a great prompt.
• 11:30
  unknown: Thank you.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: What is the best?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: I I used to get really lucky with go ahead.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just going back to our roots of you know, just telling a story but taking a real like taking the unexpected road.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, you used to win what?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Raffles a lot.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: You did?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Were you one of those people that just inexplicably?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: I was.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not anymore, but I used to recently I you know, I was at that talk that I gave that you helped me prepare for.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: And do you know the story about the raffle there?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I don't remember.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: They tell her they start raffling off prizes.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: All the all the behavioral health and rehabs bring prizes, and they're like, Yeah.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: And some of them are really like prizes that you want.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so they're like, Great, we're gonna, you know, everybody's got their tickets, we're gonna raffle these off.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I turned to my table and said, I just want to warn you guys I'm really good at raffles.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then I didn't win anything, and the woman sitting next to me won two of the eight prizes.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like her name got drawn twice.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, that was you, that was on you for opening your mouth.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, yes, I just didn't think it was subject to those kind of whims.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um so I feel like that talent is going away as time goes on, but I have won a lot of raffles in my time.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: So is this a random prize, like a raffle prize, or is this an accomplishment, or what are we talking about here?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't matter.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever comes to mind.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know, um, like I know you've played some poker tournaments, but I think I'm looking for something.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I want something a little more off the beaten path here.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like raffles would be great, accomplishments, sure, those are good.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: But like, what'd you win in the milk draw?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have a bad story about winning the milk draw, so I'll tell you that.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I my mom used to send me to school with a little package of Sunmade raisins every day with my lunch.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I love raisins now, but as a kid, I hated them.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it's all it takes is one stem to ruin the whole package for me, right?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm with you.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um but my mom would send me these things, and then eventually Sunmade was like, we are going to have, we're gonna have a contest.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to say that the top prize was a thousand dollars or a computer or something, which you know, this would have been like 1989, whatever the prize was, it was beyond my capacity to understand it.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: It was like I would be happy for my whole life if I won this thing, right?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: And it was you had to open the flap and find a little California raisin on the inside of the wrap.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so every, every day, like it was fucking like I was Charlie Bucket, I was just opening this thing, hoping to get the little raisin.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: And then one day I was in the fourth grade, I opened the package and there was the California raisin on the underside of the thing.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought I had just won the fucking Monopoly sweepstakes at McDonald's, which by the way turned out to be a hoax anyway, which I played religiously for years as a child, and then it turned out it was fixed anyway.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you know about that.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: But I was I like started hyperventilating.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: I was so excited.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, you guys, you guys, oh my god, oh my god.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so like I'm looking at the package, and the package is like, oh, you have to mail it in.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like very careful to keep it on me for the rest of the day and to always know where it was.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then I got home and I followed the instructions, and I like sent it in, and I was like, this is fucking unbelievable.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm about to get all this money.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: And then I waited and waited, and every day I thought about it, and then after like two weeks, the thing came with a coupon for six boxes of raisins, six little boxes of raisins.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because apparently there was one grand prize, and there were thousands of shitty more raisins prizes.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I cannot emphasize this enough.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: At that stage in my life, I was eating the raisins to play the contest.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's the worst.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's the worst.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: It was so disappointing, but it was one of those things where I think, Evelyn, that I'm not easily scammed now because I think I always assume that whatever the outcome is, like, you know, you and I have talked about how there's there's grifters online trying to take advantage of people and people like selling weird dreams and stuff.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, when you were running my Instagram account, you remember there was periods where I was getting like bikini clad women being like, hey, pretty.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I don't think you, I don't think you want me.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think you're just a scammer because I got California raisined in the 80s, right?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: And then I think with the like, with then then somehow I aged out of it, and Instagram started sending me crypto stuff all the time, like, whoa, this crypto tip blew up my blah blah blah.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, guess what?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: Crypto is not even real money, stupid.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: And also, if you had a real tip, you wouldn't be giving it away to me for free on Instagram.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: You would be using it for yourself to increase your wealth.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so, like, it like did jade me in a way that makes me less foolable.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: But let me tell you, I carry with me and shall for the rest of my life the heartbreak of being a nine-year-old who just thought he'd want to take it to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and won raisins.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Six boxes of raisins.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Six little boxes of raisins.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Right, like it wasn't even like a like an amount that could unburden my mother's shopping bill.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: It was like here, we brought your kid a week of a quarter of his bag lunch.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're welcome.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: And all you had to do is mail it to us, and then you go out and use the coupon again.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, see that's they might as well have mailed me fucking grapes.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: They might as well have mailed you a letter that says Santa's not real.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, here's some raisins.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's just so what's the have you ever won anything really good?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: The the other thing, I'm sure I'm missing something, but the other thing that that came to mind was when I was in the seventh grade, we had to do one of those things that should be illegal, which is we had to do a fundraising raffle sale at the Catholic school I was at.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: And like again, I I cannot, and I I always give my nephew money for his stupid shit that he sells, and it's fine, it's chocolate and stuff.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: But every time I think, I'll just give you money, or let's just you and me go have some chocolate.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: But I know he has to go to his pimp at high school and say, I raised$400 for this thing.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I give him money every time and I don't complain about it.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: I just think it's gross to put kids in this position.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: It was a little safer when I was a kid, but um, we had to sell these things, and the top prize was a$100 gift certificate.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: And and that was going to put me in a position to get something that I wanted more than anything in the world, and that was a CD player.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so believe me when I tell you that I hit the fucking street and I went door to door in my neighborhood, and I went door to door in my best friend's neighborhood, which I wouldn't number one, I wouldn't tell anybody to do today, but I wouldn't dream of doing today.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: No, and I'm amazed.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: People were nice, they bought some, and then my sister, God bless her, she bought like$20 worth of tickets, and I don't remember how much I sold, but I sold a shit ton.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I managed to edge out the world's least friendly student who also hit the ground running.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: I managed to outsell her and I got the fucking gift certificate.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: And then my dad, who was a real, a real good guy in this, realized that the CD player that I really wanted, like the next level one, was gonna be like 130.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so he made up the rest of the nut.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then I got my$130 CD player, which now it's so funny.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: If somebody told me in 2026 they were paying$130 for a CD player, I'd be like, hold tight, I got three of them.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna sell you.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'll give you a$5 discount, laugh all the way to the bank.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: But at the time it was revolutionary technology.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: I owned three CDs, I needed this thing, and I got it, and I fucking loved that CD player for years.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: It was like a boom box, and that was fucking great.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then the next year, I think I sold like four tickets because I like there was just nothing I wanted as bad as I'd wanted that CD player.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: You'd you'd peaked, like you had really reached the top of the mountain.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: I guess that's one way to look at it.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: You'd peaked.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: There was no you left to develop.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: No, it was but 13 had reached your full potential.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: You did it.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: You did it.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: The world got what you had to offer and said, thanks, I'm done.
• 18:45
  unknown: NACS! Yeah.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: So that is the story.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: I that's the story of the one of the coolest things I ever watched.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's pretty good.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty good.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Between the raisins and the CD player, I would definitely pick the CD player for sure.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: And you know they knew they were doing that to kids.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: For God's sakes, that's not like adults are are picking through a thumb-sized box of raisins going, I hope I win a prize.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: You something you taught me was that uh I feel like there's some kind of connection here, and I don't exactly know if this is gonna make sense, but when you're you know creating an offer for, say, a client base, what you shouldn't do is discount your product at all.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like discount your product, you should always add something on top of it, right?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not okay, you're not diminishing the value of what you're offering.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Tune in next week for more reverse jackass business advice, by the way, guys.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that the Sun Made Raisins followed that same business advice.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't discount their offering, they gave you six, I mean, you paid full price, your mom paid full price for the raisins that got you there.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then the bone, the bonus that they threw on top of that were more raisins, baby.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, they weren't you weren't paying less for anything.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hope you like raisins, you sad, hopeful piece of garbage.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, nine-year-old, I know you're miserable every day and you hate school more than anything.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: But what if we take this insulting dessert substitute your mother's chosen to give you, and then we give you a whole bunch more of it after uh after making your adrenaline uh centers go off a whole bunch?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: But this is where this is a helpful therapy analogy here, which is something that I tell people frequently when they're when they're telling me a story that implies that they are like trying to change or mask aspects of themselves in order to attract a partner.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: I say, you just want to be yourself because heaven forbid, you should attract a lover by casting yourself in a role that you then have to play for the rest of your life.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you're pretending to be somebody you're not and somebody falls in love with that role, then guess what?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna have to pretend to be that person for the rest of your life.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that in this instance, I was casting myself in the role of a raisin lover.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, the good news is now in my 40s, I do love raisins, but but yeah, I I entered myself into a contest, and I think I got taught a lesson by the universe that behind this, there's only more raisins.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's more raisins, and you didn't ask to be a nine-year-old raisin enthusiast.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: No, you didn't you didn't aspire to that before this contest even began, before you knew about it.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't your mom wasn't jamming those little boxes of 15 former grapes into your lunchbox, and you were like, you know what, this really is who I am.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: This really is my thing.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I feel seen.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is me.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: I feel seen.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then the contest showed up, and you were like, this is a perfect alignment of what I already knew about myself and what Sun Made Raisins has to offer.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like this was recognized in me.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is yeah, like the Venn diagram overlap is almost a complete overlap.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: This was you not being interested in these raisins, wondering why every other kid had a hostess cupcake.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then the contest came to be, and you saw.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: A light at the end of the sunmade tunnel.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you ran, you ran.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: If I'd run if I'd won six hostess cupcakes, I would have been one-tenth as disappointed.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: But let me tell you, since we're on the topic, if you had if you had a raisin contest and I could have had anything that I wanted at nine years old, other than money, I would have asked for Lionel from the Thundercats to show up and beat my bully bloody, savagely and ruthlessly, and using the sword if he wanted to.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, like, yeah, raisins just weren't even in the top ten.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: Justice and wealth were what I wanted as a kid.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think, I think at nine years old, if I could have won a contest, I think I would have opened up a box of raisins and inside found a solution for my preteen cystic acne.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_01: You should have done a whole did you enter the Retin-A contest where they're like, open the box of Retin A and you might receive Open a box a comprehensive cure.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Open this pill bottle of tetracycline and you might get a bottle of it for free.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Open this, hey, open this Acutane.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then if you see the you know, flippy the dancing zit under the under the package, you win the cure for your acne.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: If you win, if you win oozy, oozy the dancing dancing zit.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Dumb.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's what that's what I would have liked.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't have even taken raisins either.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: You said earlier that you now love raisins, and I can't stand with you on that.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: I hate raisins.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: I they're they are a useless thing in this world to me.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't understand.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: Grapes are the best form of the raisin.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, that's interesting.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: I can't agree with you on that.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: I do wonder if you've only had shitty raisins.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: If you get the really nice ones from the bulk thing at sprouts, they're way better.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: Fewer stems, bigger, plumper, what good juicer, whatever.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me what you like raisins in.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like where you chocolate, like chocolate covered raisins?
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, chocolate bagels.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there's I actually like raisins in everything.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: The raisins are like cereal.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: Raisins make almost everything better because they're always a little sweet and they always have a little texture.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're just they're nice.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Everything you said, I can't have now.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I would love a raisin bagel.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna taste like garbage because it's gluten-free.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: I love a fruit and nut bar.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have do you all have those raisins in my booze?
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, as wine?
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: Let him soak up the well, no, just let them soak up the vodka or whatever, and then a little burst of flavor.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't of all the things I could flavor vodka with, you think I would reach for the grapes?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: I just or for the raisin.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just trying to give you some iron in your diet, is all I you know what you told me you're anemic.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to help that backhanded observance of the dark circles around my eyes.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was anemic, actually.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: So really, really?
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I really was.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know why?
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because I had a raisin deficiency.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's what it is.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't get enough raises.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: I should have said if I'd known you in the 90s or early late 80s, I would have sent you the raisin coupon, and maybe that would have helped you.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I would have thrown an extra pair of pants for Heather.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Those things are never transferable.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: Those you could have won that contest, sent it to me.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: They'd be like, only only applicable in 49 of the 50 states.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: God, and you would have been like, Great, I don't care.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's fucking six boxes of raisins.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm actually better off.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: I also sent away for a thing while we're on this topic.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: I sent away for a thing on the back of a uh a marshmallow bag, and it was like a marshmallow dispenser.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: Get a marshmallow dispenser.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I saved the PCs or whatever, and I sent that in, and it was this little tube that could hold like four or five marshmallows, and it had a little clicker, and it would just move a marshmallow.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: It was the least cool thing you could ever imagine.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know what fucking genius engineer was like, get it.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: I think they don't care.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: I think they I think they go, it just has to look on the packaging because nobody outside of one cosmic loser in Virginia is gonna ever redeem this ever.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's yeah, that's all that's all they care about.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, if it was there was a time like in our youths, in our youths, where if it was on the back of a cereal box and you had a chance of winning it, I didn't care about anything else in the world.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: And we didn't have a lot of cereal in my home.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like we had the typical brand flakes, we had corn flakes, we had Rice Krispies, Cheerios, right?
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't have anything fun and zany.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh sure.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: But so all the prizes were terrible.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: It was like, here's an exercise manual.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: Manual.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: What in 15?
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: We'll get we'll get a calisthenics guide.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we had books on calisthenics in my house.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: My mom did calisthenics.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's the 80s, man.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: I tried.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: I tried.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't do it.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know why I didn't eat enough raisins.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's what it is.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: So there's your mom, leg warmers all the way up to her knees, nothing but you know, shiny pastels, mainlining raisins, raising her knees past her nose.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_01: 80s music blaring out of the giant cathode gray television.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we're gonna have to pay for that.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then um Heather, Heather's doing reps with her burlap or uh uh hemp hemp rope her hemp rope, right?
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, exactly.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like the whole family's getting farm fit.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's cut she's farm fit.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: She's cut those pants into jorts so she can do her sprints.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: This time they're soaked with sweat.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: Not urine.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: You'd have to get close to tell.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thanks, Nick, for your your insight on the humble raisin and yet again diving into some traumatic area of your life with us.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it turns out you scratch and there's just more trauma under.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it just never it's it it is really like a gooey little filling.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like Uzi, the zit.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_01: Just remember, folks, every therapist you ever meet is highly, highly traumatized.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_01: Do with that information what you will.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: And every person who works for the government in Canada probably has soiled themselves at some point.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh god, wouldn't that be amazing if that were true?
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like we did a study, and I know correlation doesn't equal causation, but a weird number of these people, like all of them.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like every one of them had a weird pissing their pants story.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: I bet there's more.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think you know what?
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is how this is our call to action here.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can email us at reversejackass at gmail.com.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us about a time when you soiled your pants.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure between between Nick and I, we have a lot more stories to share, at least I know I do.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: And we'd love to hear from them.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's any good stories, uh, we'll read them on an episode coming up.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll even I'll even sweeten it a little bit before we go.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: The if there is the funniest story, not only will we read it on on the air, but if it makes me laugh out loud, I will buy you a coupon for six boxes of raisins.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I will send it to you.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: US, Canada, I don't give a fuck.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it doesn't matter.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be raisin rich.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: I thought you were actually gonna say if it makes me laugh, I will pee my pants live on this episode.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm not crazy for God's sakes.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like disgusting.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_01: I just have the one pair of pants here.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, all all the uh all the pants in my lost and found are little kid pants.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I you work with the opposite other problem.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's fucked up.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: I actually think that's where we should end it.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you got it.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: Deal.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to do an outro?
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have something they need to add?
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: Something saying you need to add.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you have do you have like a good zinger at the end?
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, what would a zinger be like?
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you just have like a good one-liner.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: You I just know if you had something.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um no, I don't.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'll I won't I won't even try to force it.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just say, no, perhaps it ended right where it was supposed to end.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: I actually am gonna keep all this in there.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: I just made the decision right now.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's like breaking the fourth wall.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Interminable.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: Breaking the fourth wall.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: Some neighbors are besties.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Others quarrel bitterly.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_01: Stuck together through geography.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: One of us has nukes, and the other has two's it's American Canadian diplomacy.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_02: It's reversed.