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Divorce & Decision Fatigue - Thriving Through The Overwhelm · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrantry people of the Kulman Nation and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the podcast.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to talk about divorce and decision fatigue.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And while some of it will be more specific to separation and divorce, it applies across the board, of course.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So decision fatigue, how to actually thrive in the overwhelm of decision.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Making decisions takes energy, mental, emotional energy.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And decision fatigue is the mental and emotional drain you feel after you've made too many decisions, particularly in a short period of time, or a lot of really massive decisions.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Again, particularly in a short period of time.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's the reason why, after say, a really long day at work, sometimes you can't even work out what you want to eat for dinner.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: You can't make a really simple decision.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: You are suffering from decision fatigue.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now there's a direct relationship between the quality of our decision-making capacity and the quality of the decisions we actually make, and the sheer number of decisions we need to make or we are required to make in a certain period of time.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So the quality of our decisions declines the more decisions we have to make.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the magnitude of the decisions, as I said, the magnitude of the decisions we're required to make can also impact our capacity to choose well or wisely or even at all.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: So as we become more mentally and emotionally, even physically exhausted, our brain likes to take shortcuts for us.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes not so rational or logical, but our brain takes shortcuts to skip us to the end to help us make a decision, any decision, often resulting in less than deliberate choices or not so conscious, consciously chosen or made decisions.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Another brain shortcut, or another shortcut, I should say, our brain uses to get us out of the fatigue space is actually procrastinating or avoiding the decision making altogether.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So that cyclic thinking, that spinning, that or procrastinating, or just putting off making a decision.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Our brain tries to protect us from the stress of making the decision by allowing us to procrastinate.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: So decision fatigue is a very real phenomenon and it can become overwhelming and almost crippling during separation, negotiation, mediation, divorce, all the things, right?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Even before you make the call to end a relationship or leave a marriage, that circular thinking of should I stay or should I go, or is he or she going to leave me, is this done?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: That circular thinking can be exhausting and is one type of decision fatigue.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, our brain just tips us into procrastination to protect us from having to make any more decisions.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're being asked to make decisions with massive life impact and long-term consequences, you can't afford, and I mean literally, you cannot afford to be making them from a place of exhaustion or overwhelm.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, from anything less than a really conscious, empowered, and grounded space.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to step you through a few quick tips to help you thrive amidst all the decision making before, during, and even after divorce, because sometimes there are still decisions that you're needing to make about, for example, engaging or interacting with your ex-partner, your co-parent.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So there's still a lot of decisions that you make afterwards.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, to the tips.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: The first tip is simplify and strip out.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Simplify everything and anything you can in your day-to-day life.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Stick with routines that you know work for you, have um map out your week, plan your meals, you know, shop ahead of time, whatever it takes, so that you don't have quite so many day-to-day decisions to be making.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, even if that means you know you eat the same meal on the same night, week after week, because it keeps things simple and easy for you.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it really simple.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's a really good reason why Barack Obama wore the same colour suit every day as president.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: He said it was one less decision to have to make when he was already making so many big, small, huge ones each day.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And divorce is like that.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of massive decisions to be made and even lots of tiny daily ones.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Should I respond to that text from my co-parent?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: How do I answer this particular child's question about their family or their divorce?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, there are so many decisions that you will be making.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: It is crucial to limit or strip out any others that you can to ease your divorce decision-making load.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: My second tip is rest and recover.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: When you're depleted mentally, emotionally, physically, give yourself the time and space to rest, recover, and regulate.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I speak with my one-to-one clients about something I call sacred laziness.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many things on your to-do list, it is never-ending.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're guilty for resting or taking time out or napping or not getting another thing ticked off that list, but rest, sacred laziness is critical to life in general and to decision making.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: So know how you can best and simply regulate your nervous system after big days of negotiation, discussion, or decision making.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Rest and recover from these big days without being, without expecting yourself to be able to continue to decide, continue to make decisions, to continue to choose well and without making yourself wrong or bad for resting.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: You need it.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: You need rest, you need recovery.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: You need it, your kids need you to do it, your future self needs you to do it, to rest and recover so that you can re-engage.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Tip number three is support and accountability.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Set your boundaries around decision making and stick to it.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do I mean by that?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm going to share a story here which touches on gambling.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gambling, I'm not advocating for gambling, professional or otherwise.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just using this story to illustrate the power of support and accountability when it comes to making decisions.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I was doing some research for this podcast episode, and I came across this story about a former professional poker player, I think she's US-based, called Annie Duke.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Never heard of her before, but I loved this story.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And how she was really successful in a game, poker, that involved making more than 20 decisions in every hand dealt, every hand she played.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, like in divorce, many of those decisions she was making in in poker games involved assessing risk and reward when perhaps she didn't have full information.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's what you're doing when you're making decisions about separation and divorce.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully not.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, like my clients, you are fully informed and you're across all the things.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, back to the poker playing story.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Annie explained in this story that even the best players have bad games or bad nights, and she said that what divided those who lost from those players who lost everything, so lost a little bit or lost everything, was not simply their self-control or the decision making.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was that they had systems in place ahead of time to make sure that they didn't do dumb things or make poor decisions on top of poor decisions.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: When they hit decision fatigue, they knew where they knew that they were there.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: She also went on to explain that she was a member of like a support group of other elite poker players who regularly met, discussed game plans, strategies, and who knew each other's limits.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: They were open with each other about what their gambling limit was.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Again, not advocating for gambling, right?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: They they each knew the other's boundaries, their limit.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then the story goes: one not so great poker playing night, Annie lost, and she lost up to her limit.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And while she was tempted to keep playing and win back her losses, what stopped her, what stopped her dashing to the ATM and grabbing some more cash was this group.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: She knew that if she overstepped her own boundary, if she played on past her limit, played on past her decision fatigue limit, whether she won it back or she lost it all, she would have to answer to the group.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: So she stuck to her boundary, she stuck to her limit, and she quit.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now the same thing works in life in general and in divorce.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's likely at some point you'll be tempted to make a less than well thought out or considered decision, an impulsive decision, one that you might regret later, one that's not really aligned with the plan that you have, the bigger overarching strategy for not only your divorce negotiations but life afterwards for whatever reason.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Exhaustion, fatigue, just wanting to get to the end, right?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's likely at some point you will be tempted to make an impulsive decision.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: But what can you set up?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: What system, what support can you put in place ahead of time so that you don't overplay your hand, that you hold true, that you stick to your boundary.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: What can you set up?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: What system or support can you put in place so that you know when to quit?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Set your limits in advance, set your limits in advance of a conversation and scaffold yourself with support.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: That might be knowing what your limits are, knowing what your walk away point is, and also bringing in the support.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, maybe having a friend that you can take with you into the conversation or on call or to check in with when you start to feel wobbly about decisions.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Take a time out, check in with a friend, or join us in the next group of decide and thrive for that loving, understanding, compassionate accountability, right?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's what it is accountability, holding you accountable to what you say you want to do.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, as well as accountability in Decide and Thrive, there's cheerleading and support and love and care.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Link in the show notes if you want to join the wait list, which is currently open.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, final and potential biggest tip, and I touched on it earlier: know your decision-making limits and what hitting that limit feels like.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: When you feel pressured or depleted, know what that looks and feels like in your body, and that is when you need to stop, rest, recover before re-engaging.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And when it does come to divorce negotiations, either formal mediation, lawyer-assisted negotiation, or just discussion and negotiation with your ex or your soon-to-be ex, decision fatigue is a real factor.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't stress this enough.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make decisions, big life decisions, from a place of fear or exhaustion or depletion, or simply a desire to get to the end.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hold your line, have that support system in place to enable you to do this, to hold your line and stick to whatever your limit is.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: But the pressure to just get it over with can lead you to agree to things, sign things, um, accept things that you might regret later, or that may not necessarily be in your best long-term interests.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: There might be pressure or demands from the other side, whether that is their lawyer, the lawyers on the other side, or directly from your ex.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Your ex might also be playing the nice person and suggesting, let's just get this done, we can agree, and trying to hurry you into a decision or signing an agreement.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's your experience, please pause, sleep on it, walk away, say thanks, this is a big decision.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: I need some time to process, whatever you need, and then get that support system in place.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Get some scaffolding, get some advice so that you can make empowered, grounded decisions.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the emotional toll that negotiating every little thing, every interaction, making every decision takes.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's one thing that I've found, not so much now my kids are older, but I found as a single parent, a single woman, every single decision was mine.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I taught my kids really early about mental load and decision fatigue, and made each of them responsible for choosing, not necessarily cooking, often helping to cook, but choosing one meal, one dinner meal each week.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: So it was one less decision I needed to make for us all.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I digress back to that mental, emotional, and energetic depletion.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: It can absolutely bring you to a place where you simply cannot make one more decision, or you're tipped into that procrastination I spoke about before.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, decision fatigue can also just cause us to throw up our hands and hide under the Duna and refuse to make any more decisions altogether, or we opt for a default position or looking for some somebody else to make a decision for us, or you just get to the point where, as I said earlier, you'll just agree to anything just to get it done.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is a dangerous space to be in when and if you are negotiating separation, divorce properties, be it property and financials or kids and child caring arrangements.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's also that energetic depletion, but also depletion of your finances, right?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: It will play on your mind if you have lawyers and mediators and all the things involved that time is money.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, it is, but rushing through, rushing just to get it done to save legal fees will potentially cost you more in money and also ongoing unease that you made some hasty decisions that perhaps weren't in deepest support, deepest service of you, your children, your future.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're feeling that way, if you're feeling pressured and concerned about the financials, think about what other supports and scaffolds you can bring in to help you make sound, empowered, grounded decisions.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: One of those, of course, is working with me.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's not what you want, work through how you can build those scaffolding supports around you to enable you to minimize your legal costs, get organized, get empowered, make solid, grounded, empowered decisions.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Know too that even in formal mediation, when you're all in there together, it's perfectly okay to take a step back, to take a breath, to ask for some time, and your future self will thank you for doing that, will thank you for being patient, taking time out as you needed to, and being thorough, being focused on the end point, the future, not just getting through the mediation.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know that this is likely to be an issue for you, there are mediators who split out the sessions so it's not one long, exhausting day, and you're not under pressure towards the end of that session or the end of that day to make a decision bang just to get it done.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: So that can also be part of seeking the right support and the right scaffolding for yourself.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, in closing, remember that making decisions takes energy, mental and emotional energy, and that is a finite kind of resource.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Once we've depleted it, we need to rest and calm our nervous system and recover to be able to re-engage and make smart, sound, grounded decisions.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're not physically tired, once you've depleted that mental and emotional energy, you are more likely to make hasty I was gonna say bad, less good decisions or be incapable of making a decision at all.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now, your future self, your future needs you to protect and preserve your mental and emotional energy, your capacity to protect and you need to protect this as much as you can and to only make big, even small decisions when you're operating from a rested, energized space where your nervous system is well regulated and you are fully present and engaged with yourself and the decision-making process.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: As always, if you would like deeper support to make the hard decisions that you have to make, please reach out and connect with me.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's the option to work with me one-on-one.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said earlier, the wait list for the next group of Decide and Thrive is open, and I would love to welcome you in.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would benefit from listening to this, I've got a bit ranty, I know, but um I'm really passionate about people making smart, future-focused, empowered, grounded decisions as they move through separation and divorce.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would benefit from listening to this, please share it with them.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,