Latest / UNCOACHED / Flag Football, Fatherhood, and Raising Good Kids

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Flag Football, Fatherhood, and Raising Good Kids · UNCOACHED

• Brad (00:00) Welcome to Uncoached, a podcast for volunteer coaches and parents figuring out youth sports as we go. Each episode we keep things simple. Five questions that talk about practical insights you can actually use with your youth athletes. I'm excited about my guest today. His name is Jesse Carstairs. he's a men's relationship coach who helps men become better husbands, fathers, and leaders. Jesse also coaches competitive youth flag football, which gives him an interesting perspective on how lessons Brad (00:25) We can teach through you sports can carry far beyond the field. Today we're going to be talking about the growth of flag football, coaching your own kids, building accountability, improving character, and how coaches can use sports to help develop the next generation of good people. Jesse, thanks so much for taking time to be with me. I'm excited to get into the questions that we have today. But before we do, could you please give yourself an introduction and let people hear about who you are and where they can find you? Jesse (00:51) Yeah, I think you did a great job, Jesse Carstairs. first and foremost, I am a follower of Christ, and fortunately enough, he's allowed me to be a husband, a father, a men's coach, and I love coaching little kid football. Yeah. And then Brad (01:04) That's awesome. Jesse (01:05) anyone can find me on Instagram at Jesse Carstairs, YouTube at Jesse Carstairs, Spotify, Apple. Brad (01:12) Yeah, and you've got some some awesome content. We were talking before we jumped on here about how we came across each other through the algorithm and definitely highly encourage people listening or watching to to check you out. So flag football is interesting to me. I I haven't had too much experience myself, but I know it's exploding. I know it's coming in the Olympics, so it's gonna have an even larger uptick of things, I think, with with our youth. You're you're coaching it. Brad (01:39) you know, in a competitive nature, I think you've said I I'm I'm interested to hear like what that looks like. But for parents and coaches who haven't experienced a lot of flag football yet, what do you think makes that sport very appealing to kids and what are they learning from it that peop people might underestimate? Jesse (01:54) I think one of the default things that they learn is agility because you it's almost like two-hand touch, right? You don't want to get touched. So the agility being evasive on the field, and then everybody has to know how to catch the ball. Everybody, right? Because your center, he's eligible. You have there's five guys on the field, and everyone should know how to catch. Brad (02:16) That's gotta Brad (02:16) be a little fun when it when you're coming up with plays. You can be a little bit more creative since everybody can catch, right? Jesse (02:21) Yeah, Jesse (02:21) in flag football there is a lot of creativity. I call I call some of it gimmicky plays and gimmicks Brad (02:28) Yeah. Yeah. Jesse (02:29) work in in a lot of instances. We don't run any plays like that. We run a traditional high school, maybe you could call it college level offense because we want to prepare them for high school because all these kids are gonna go to the same high school. So we steer away from that, but you definitely see teams pull out the Jesse (02:48) triple pitch, you know, throw back to Brad (02:49) Yeah. Yeah. Jesse (02:51) the quarterback, then he's gonna try and throw it deep with another reverse in there. And like it's all scripted. Like that's what they're trying to execute. Brad (02:59) Yeah. What and what age group are you coaching, if you don't mind? Nine year old. Okay. Awesome. Jesse (03:02) Nine. We're all nine years old. Yep. Brad (03:05) Yeah. So I've got a a son who's ten, so similar similar age frame. We we haven't done the flag football thing yet. But I think like when when I think about flag football and my son's interested, we'll I think we'll probably try to find something around the area here to get him started with this. But I think what's unique about flag football is, you know, maybe it's a nice gateway into tackle football without the fear of Brad (03:26) the physical side of things. I don't know if parents have some apprehension about kids getting hurt and hitting each other and that sort of thing. And I think maybe, you know, you could talk a little bit about getting that football feel without having to to worry about the tackle nature of things. You know, you can worry about that when the kids are a little bit more mature and probably handle it better. Jesse (03:44) Yeah, I would say eight out of ten of the parents who I encounter, they're worried about the CTE in regards to playing tackle football now. Right. And people don't realize when you go to tackle football, these parents are entrusting you with their children. they are. And I have a kid who has a couple older brothers who they played flag forever. First time they played tackle was seventh grade. Jesse (04:08) And he's not the biggest kid on the field by any means, this older brother. And he is good. Be and he's a punt returner. He's like their kick returner. He's a wide receiver and a running back. Because of those is that agility and the evasiveness that flag and he's like it just translated so well for him and being a skill position player that he's one of their best players his very first year. And I'm not saying that's gonna happen to everybody, but it's going to give you Jesse (04:35) a different approach versus eye formation, wing T, just try and drive it down their throat. Which is like what Brad (04:41) Yeah and I I'm Jesse (04:41) the traditional pop warner from six to twelve, that's all they do. Brad (04:44) Yeah. For sure. Jesse (04:46) No. Brad (04:47) I'm I'm a huge proponent of playing multiple s sports too. And I think, the agility and the stuff you're talking about there from flag football could only help support an athlete, whether they're playing soccer, basketball, whatever that looks like. and I think it's, probably a really nice opportunity to do something different and and use different parts of your body and things like that. So your your professional work is really centered around helping Brad (05:10) men become better husbands, fathers and and leaders i in their areas. When you step onto the football field as a coach, how much is that side of your thinking in your brain influence what you're doing to help develop these kids beyond, you know, focusing on their athletic side? Jesse (05:27) Most of it. Brad (05:28) Okay. Jesse (05:29) yeah, I'm out there to disciple young men at the end of the day. Football always comes second. And Brad (05:35) Mm-hmm. Jesse (05:35) I let parents know that, day one. I let parents know, hey, day one, you're get you might hear me talk about God or Jesus with your son. I want these guys to grow up to be young men. And if I can impact that in a positive way, that is my goal. winning football games is third. Jesse (05:53) that's third. And everybody knows that when they come onto my team. And we've really created a culture. because too many parents they don't realize the influence that coaches have, right? We think about the old Brad (06:04) Mm-hmm. Jesse (06:05) movies, right? Remember the Titans. We think about old football players, old baseball players. They're like, Hey, I had this coach, I had this wrestling coach in high school who was like a father figure to me. The things that he said to me. Jesse (06:18) Right, I still practice that saying that he said to me to this day. But you don't hear a lot about that anymore. And I think it's because I actually can't say why, but I think we've d g gotten rid of like the discipleship and got into more of a win now mentality across the Brad (06:34) Mm-hmm. Jesse (06:35) nation, whether it's travel baseball, football, clubs, soccer, it's how do we win now at everything versus playing the long game and cultivating and and making men. Jesse (06:45) who then therefore, as a default, they end up winning. Brad (06:48) Yeah, and it's I like the way you phrase that. Y you're you're thinking more long term, and I think you're right where we're at right now in youth sports is a lot of short term thinking. sometimes you get it seems like you get the these kids into these systems where they're kind of moved as pieces. You know, the really good ones will get plucked and they'll put with a you know, a top level team or s things like that. And so they're like bucketing these kids and they don't have an opportunity to grow with a group of of ki you know peers and and see some of that Brad (07:17) growth or have an opportunity to grow with a coach who's trying to develop them a little bit more long term. So I I I agree. Like I think very much along the lines a as you. and you want to leave them with something that lasts after youth sports. You know, the like Jesse (07:34) Yeah. Brad (07:34) you were talking about the stuff that they're going to remember. Hey, this this coach made me feel this way and and he left something with me that is stuck, you know, a work ethic or, you know, how I treat people Brad (07:45) you know, how I respond to failure, things like that. Those are the important things that, you know, whether you're playing sports or not, you can take those things with you. And I think you're spot on coaches have an opportunity to kind of, you know, mold that with with these kids at at a younger age and hopefully help help provide some some positivity in their life longer term. Brad (08:05) I wanna go back to a little something you said. You talked about the culture that you're you're building with your teams specifically. and Jesse (08:12) Mm-hmm. Brad (08:12) I think you're you're probably a little bit more focused on culture first, and then kind of sport second. Could you maybe touch on a couple of things that you do to help build that culture with your team? Jesse (08:22) Yeah, one of the things that I do is every there's a couple things. Every practice and every game, we do we'll do the shake hands with the opponent opposite team. My boys get in single file line, they go and thank every parent on the sidelines, shake their hands, look them in the eye. Then we do our team huddle, post-game huddle. Jesse (08:45) in front of all of our parents. So they're all in that huddle with us. Because I'm not gonna say a single thing to your kid that I wouldn't say to you or in front of you. Right? So if I gotta be on a kid, and by on a kid is there's levels, right? I've never yelled at a single kid on my team. They're nine. Right? There's Brad (09:01) Right. Jesse (09:02) parents out there who you see just ripping at in Brad (09:05) Mm. Jesse (09:05) the kids and I'm like, dude, that's sad. That kid don't want to play for you anymore. I bet you. Jesse (09:09) So if I'm on a kid about we can't get caught trying to get a pick and you thinking of yourself and you leave your zone. Like the we gotta be attention. We gotta be more disciplined. We we practice to be more disciplined than this, right? we always do everything in front of the parents. So they're involved, they can hear. There is no I don't know what coach said or you know what we gotta work on. We also every game Jesse (09:35) What's one thing that you could tweak, bring it to us the next game, and tell everybody. And I always go first. Here's something I could have done. I should have made an adjustment to their two deep safeties sooner than later and gone more Brad (09:51) Yeah. Jesse (09:51) slants and digs. Cause we sky the ball. Very first play every game. We throw a deep nine route. Every every time. Brad (09:58) Hey Donnie, don't re don't don't reveal your secrets here. Jesse (10:01) I don't care. Try and stop us. Brad (10:02) No. That's good. Jesse (10:04) But the the point is then you see these teams, they got really deep safeties, and we can be having a good time, being too aggressive. When it's like I didn't do my part on this, here's an adjustment I also didn't make for the first half. I wasn't playing it paying attention to the clock or the downs or timeout usage. That's on me, right? Second half, I should have made adjustments to the two deep safeties. Jesse (10:27) That's on me. I always go first of what I should have done. I never say I should have pulled out a kid because I don't pull out kids, right? I want them to be able to work through that failure or perceived failure, right? Maybe one of my quarterbacks is having an off day because I always run two quarterbacks. One of them's having an off day. Right? I never put it on the kids. I've always I start and then everybody else goes so everyone can hear. We start every game that way. Like what's one thing? Jesse (10:54) All right, let's get to work. Let's do our warmups. Right? We talk about what it looks like to be responsible and ownership and how you Brad (11:01) Mm-hmm. Jesse (11:01) communicate as a man. It's like, let's not beat around the bush. Like you're a you're a young man right now. Just tell me honest to my face. Right? Just because your dad's here, it's okay. Like he's not, he's not gonna be on you after this. That's me indirectly telling the dad, like, I don't want to hear you ripping him in the car. Right? Brad (11:16) Don't right. Jesse (11:18) Because we're talking about it right now. Look me in the eye and just tell me the truth. Jesse (11:22) It's like, all right, and then they'll they'll say it. Cool. Right? One of the things that I also do is I don't coach all my kids the same because all the kids aren't the same. All my kids have different personalities. They have different experiences. You know, we had a kid who his mom was like physically abused by the stepdad, and he would like witness that. So then he would get like these rage, he would get like super pissed. That kid, I as much as I want to tell him to like cut it out, I can't. Jesse (11:49) I go, all right, breathe with me. Big inhale through the nose, let's hold it. Ow. Eye contact, you gotta look at me the whole time. Big breath through the nose. Ow. Another kid I can be like, bro, what are you doing? better than this. Get after the ball. Right? Brad (12:00) Right. Yeah. Jesse (12:02) I can do that with an another kid. Other kids, I gotta just walk through. It's okay. This doesn't define you, right? You know this doesn't define you. That interception, you can get over it. Right? I I just Jesse (12:14) make their little adjustments to all the kids because they're different. And I think we get caught up in teams get caught up in coaching everyone different. Now I talk to them all the same in the group setting, but individually you have to talk to them different because they're all different. Brad (12:28) Yeah, you man, you said so many nice little nuggets in in what you just ran down there as far as your culture. And I want to go back to a couple of them. I love first and foremost that you've got the kind of shared ownership approach with your team. I think that's super important for youth athletes to see you're still growing and learning too. And you you're part of this thing with them. You're growing and you're learning. So I think that's that's super awesome. and you talked about Brad (12:55) you you started by talking about that handshake line and some of the culture you provide there. I was just thinking about this, does that does that handshake line matter anymore? Because, you go through it as one of the emotional things that you do at the end of a game, but it's actually one of the biggest opportunities you can teach your team to respond, whether they won or whether they lost. It's how you can look your opponent in the eye, say thank you, say good game. Brad (13:18) and have a little bit of mutual respect and still walk off the field with your with your head up. So I think it's super important. I love what you're doing there. and then the last thing is, you know, talked about coaching your players differently. And I think the foundation of that is you have to know your players first. And so that shows to me, you know, as as a coach, you know, and parents taking note out there, take time to get to know your players individually, have some Brad (13:43) conversation that isn't about sports, just to understand who they are, what they like, where they're coming from, you know, what what drives them and motivates them. I think all that stuff is super important so that you can have those coaching moments and approach your kids in a different way. And I, you know, I think, you know, I just want to kind of reiterate what you said because I think you're doing some really fantastic things there, just from, you know, outside looking in. Jesse (14:06) Yeah, I th that's so true. I get to know my the parents and I ask them, Tell me everything you think I need to know about your son. Right? And then I also, my own time during practices, I'll pull them aside little one on one time, even if it's two minutes. Right? Hey, Wyatt, come over here, Lucas, Luke, Chance, right? Run over here. And it's just like, How's it going, man? How was school? You know? Jesse (14:30) What is your favorite sport? how much do you love football? And then Brad (14:33) Yeah. Jesse (14:34) some of them are like, baseball's my favorite sport. All right. Brad (14:36) Mm-hmm. Jesse (14:36) because they're like, but I haven't tried tackle yet. Or my my son, he wrestles year round. And so he'll be like, Dad, football's so much easier than wrestling. And I'm like, I know, but that's not why we that's Brad (14:47) Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Right. Jesse (14:50) not why we're here. so yeah, getting to know them is so important. Brad (14:55) Yeah. And, you know, not not to belabor this this topic, but like your ability to to know them and then to to have that conversation after the game and ask them to hey pinpoint something that maybe they want to keep working on. What a what a sneaky w sneaky in a good way, but a gold mine for you as a coach to help identify things that they might internally be struggling with that you can then take into your practice plans and what you can do to help them. So Brad (15:19) I'm gonna probably steal that with my team and start doing the same thing. 'Cause we we do it a little bit, but we don't take the actual time necessary to go person by person to get that. And I really like how you're taking time to to have that approach. Jesse (15:30) Yeah. Jesse (15:30) Person by person. And here's the thing, when they tell you, you may be like, That ain't even the thing. You just said that 'cause the guy next to you said it. So I'll be like, I want you to really think about this and we're gonna come back to you. And if you still think 'cause I don't want to embarrass any kid, if you still think that's yours, I'll take it. But if you I'm gonna give you an opportunity to think about it. And I've had kids change theirs to the r the right thing, you know. Jesse (15:54) I was giving up on plays because the ball wasn't gonna go to me. Hey, that's it. Brad (15:59) Yeah. Jesse (16:00) That's it. Cool. At least we're aware of that. Brad (16:02) Yeah, for sure. And so I I'll I'll keep us moving forward here, but while we're talking about coaching and my my thing here is, volunteer coaching as as a dad, there's a lot of dads out there that end up coaching their own kids, which can be a a really awesome experience, but it can also make things hard, you know, with your own child on hey, when are you dad and when are you coach type of thought process. Brad (16:26) as someone who thinks a lot about fatherhood and also coaches as as you do, how do you keep those two roles from getting in the way of each other? Jesse (16:32) For me, I think it's pretty easy the second the game's over, I'm dad. In the car, I don't tell him what he did wrong. In Brad (16:40) Mm-hmm. Jesse (16:40) the car, I go, hey, did you have fun? What are you proud of? And he'll tell me I he'll because I don't tell my kids I'm proud of them. I want them to tell me where they're proud of themselves and then I reassure that. he'll be like, I'm really proud of how I did. I'm like, if you're proud of how you did, then I am because I loved watching Brad (16:57) Yeah. Jesse (16:57) you out there. Brad (16:58) Yeah. Jesse (16:58) That's it. There's no coaching. Now, because I am a coach, the following day of a wrestling tournament or a football game, I'll give him an opportunity. Do you want to go over the game or do you want to go over your meat? And I give him that opportunity, like at breakfast. And ninety-nine percent of the time he goes, Yeah. And it's like, Cool. All right. When we were in cover three, you know, you were getting a little excited trying to go across the field to get a pick. Jesse (17:24) when they were running crossers and there was a guy wide open and they didn't throw it to him, but like that would have been a tutty on you. Brad (17:31) Mm-hmm. Jesse (17:32) And he's like, yeah, I know. Or it's like, hey, in that match, like, do we have to warm up more? Cause you started off really slow. So last season we actually started warming up like tw ten, fifteen minutes solid. He was breaking a sweat and he was performing so much better. Because him just warming up two minutes before wasn't enough. Jesse (17:51) So we'll talk about those things, but I give him the the he gets to say yes or no. Brad (17:56) Man, those good points. You just resonated with me though. Like the that flat start. I've got a team right now that keeps starting flat and I like, man, I we have got to step it up when we do our warmups because you guys need to get the heart rate going a little bit quicker here. You know, I I totally understand that. I you know, I I I agree with everything that you said, obviously. I think, you know, you mentioned that car ride home and I know that's a hot topic with a lot of folks. Brad (18:20) I I'm the same way. Like you let's not talk about the game. The game's over. What happened happened is is there and it's not even the right time right after the game. you know, Jesse (18:28) Yeah. Brad (18:28) let's talk about where are we gonna go to lunch or, you know, what what we want to eat, you know, want a snack from the concession stand, let's just do something, get back to, you know, dad, son, family, life and and leave the the game where it is 'cause that's what it was. It was a game and it's like, you know, three days from now are you really gonna Brad (18:45) Be worried about it, whether you lost or won. You're on to the next thing, you're on to the next practice, and you're on to the next week's game, that sort of thing. So totally, totally resonates with me. And I I appreciate your approach to that. So we talk a lot in youth sports about building confidence and toughness and resilience. But if we're ultimately trying to raise good people, what are the character traits you think coaches should be intentionally developing in kids? And how do we actually teach those through sport instead of just talking about them? Because Brad (19:11) It's super easy just to say, hey, I need you to be confident in that situation or hey, we need to bounce back. But are there some things that you're doing that are intentionally trying to focus in on some characteristics? Or maybe you've got other characteristics you're you're focused on. Jesse (19:25) Yeah, so right now my team we're focused on four pillars and we tell them we want to win a state championship in high school, but that goal's going on the shelf. So we don't even need to look at it because it's up on the shelf. Brad (19:37) Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Jesse (19:39) But what we're we can control right now is four pillars. Our our four pillars are toughness, so that's mental and physical toughness, accountability, do we own our mistakes or are we blaming the quarterback for a bad throw? Jesse (19:51) we go over accountability a lot. And then competitiveness. Are you giving it your best effort every single rep in practice or in the game? And then coachability. Right? Life isn't about you. Life is about the team. Right? So if we go over toughness, what what is mental and physical? Like I'll ask a kid on the sideline, all right, scale of one to ten, how bad did that hurt? A two. Jesse (20:15) Okay. A two means it probably didn't hurt that bad, right? He's like, yeah. And it's like, so then I want you to think about how you reacted in the moment and how you screamed at that other kid. Right? Is that a logical Brad (20:28) Mm-hmm. Jesse (20:29) response that a man would make? Or is that maybe more of an emotional one that maybe a younger kid or maybe a girl might make? Jesse (20:37) Right, 'cause I don't want to call him that. I just want to get an understanding of would a man do that or would and they're like, I get what you're saying. And it's like, so as you're thinking about it and it's only a two, could you have just shooken that off and worried about it a little bit later? And I want them to answer and it's like I I probably could have, but in the moment, I just I didn't know what to do 'cause I didn't know that was gonna happen, totally fine. Jesse (21:00) But we gotta get the reps in. So the next time just be a little bit more aware. A little bit more aware. It's not a light switch. You're not gonna change your reaction overnight. Right? the mental, the mental part is we all last year we went undefeated. We lost in the championship. This year we beat the team who beat us in the championship twenty-eight to like twenty-nine to six. Jesse (21:24) And then we moved up an entire division because there just wasn't any competition. And we were down at halftime to a fifth, sixth grade team. We're all fourth graders. We moved Brad (21:34) Mm-hmm. Jesse (21:34) up to fifth, sixth. I heard you talk about this. What's the point of moving up a division if you do the non-competitive division? Brad (21:41) Mm-hmm. Jesse (21:41) So we skipped the rec division. We went straight to the competitive division in fifth, sixth grade. And our first game, we were down by half at half. Jesse (21:51) And it's like, guys, this is the thing we've talked about about mental. There's a whole nother half of the game, right? Great teams are not because of great coaches. They're because of great players. You pushing each other to get to the end of the game with the W. So like what do you guys want to do? We came back and won, and they were so pumped. One of them Brad (22:15) Yeah. Jesse (22:16) said, now that's a football game. Jesse (22:18) And it's like, yeah, but it's because you guys rallied together and didn't let being down at half. Cause that had hadn't happened all this season, hadn't hap it only happened once last season in the championship game. And so they hadn't had that adversity, but we had talked a lot about mental, right? The accountability. We have to own everything that we do, every decision, every play. We never blame the refs. Jesse (22:43) Right? That's out of our control. We never blame Brad (22:43) Love it. Yep. Jesse (22:45) the other team of where their flags are or flag guarding. We don't do any of that. We only worry about w what we can control. So that accountability is like where's my attitude, my effort, and my belief in God. those are the only things we can control. So if that if we're holding ourselves accountable, does it fall into those categories? Then it is and it has nothing to do with us. Right? The competitiveness. Jesse (23:08) gives a lot of that confidence because I bust my butt every rep in practice and in the game. So I'm confident in my skills. I'm confident that I can run a perfect slant, a perfect dig, a perfect post, right? And if I need to make a move, I can because I do it a hundred percent every time. Our practices are boring because we do the fundamentals. Other teams could see us and we don't scrimmage, we don't do a lot of like games. Jesse (23:34) we hammer the fundamentals. But it shows when we're up on when we're on the field that we're a different level. Even when we play these fifth, sixth grade teams, we blew out a fifth, sixth grade team of 42 to 6. And they were big boys. But it's only because you could tell our kids knew what they were doing. And the other team they had an athlete who was by far way better than all my kids, ran down every one of my kids. Jesse (24:02) Right, but but it was just one, right? Brad (24:02) But it was just one, right? I individual. Yeah. Jesse (24:06) And those same kids couldn't run crisp routes, so my kids were able to just follow them wherever they went. 'Cause they could not run routes, even though some of them were faster, taller. and then the coachability. Are you open to the things that me I have a a an assistant coach who's won championships, which is like a cheat code. like what we're able to do. Jesse (24:29) Are you guys coachable? yes or no? So we really hammer that. And then package all that, that's what gives them the discipl the the confidence, like you're saying, be more confident, right? Be more disciplined on the field. when we package all those things together and repeatedly talk about them, because you can't talk about it once and expect it to sink in. You have to talk about it multiple times, every practice, every week. Jesse (24:54) And then it'll start to really sink in with these kids. Brad (24:57) Yeah, I was just gonna ask you how you reiterate these things. Are these, you know, in your mind, are you coming back to these things as you talk to the team? Like these are our four pillars type of things. I'm sure you've laid that out clearly for them, but it's like if something goes let me ask you this: like if something goes off, do you ask that child, hey, did you meet one of our four pillars when when this just happened, right? Yeah, I think you did the you know the the toughness one, but it's like the coachability thing. If somebody's not being coachable, you're like, hey, that's Brad (25:23) That's one of the four key components of our team. Do you feel like you're meeting that need, Jesse (25:28) It it 100%. So when we do our warm-up, I'll ask them, What are the poor four pillars as they're going through? Who can tell me what this is? Give me an example. And then in those moments I'll ask where did we what pillar are we not meeting? And I want them to tell me. Brad (25:43) Mm-hmm. Yeah. Jesse (25:45) Cause it's easy for me to be like, Are you not being coachable right now? Pillar number four? And they get yes. Right? But that's not an open ended. I need an open ended question of Jesse (25:54) Which pillar are we not meeting right now, do you think? And then they'll think about it and he'll be like, toughness. Okay, I could see that. Maybe a little bit of the mental toughness. What else? Coachability? Yeah, maybe coachability, right? Because you were being selfish on that play and you wanted to go get a pick six, which did not happen. Right? Or accountability. I was blaming where his flags were. Yes, that's the one I wanted. You Jesse (26:18) complained about where he had his flags on his hips and that he flag guarded. That's not taking accountability. Did you give up right after and stop running? Yeah. All right. So yeah. Brad (26:26) I think Brad (26:27) what I love about that is I think some of the most successful teams, in my humble opinion, have set those type of foundational culture things up front and then they're able to address those throughout the season or throughout your time with the team. Because if you don't have something like that and then you you try to correct something or, you know, maybe you're a coach and you've got this in your mind, like this is your culture in your head, but you haven't communicated that to the team or to the parents, and then you try to Brad (26:53) Correct or come down on a player for something. They didn't hear that that's what was important to you to begin with. And so it's coming out of nowhere. But you've set the foundation to begin with. And I think that's that's super cool. And I love hearing other teams do that. I do it with with my teams, are. We have a motto, we call it Eat. So when we do our cheers and everything, it's Eat on three. And the Eat is effort, attitude, and teamwork. Jesse (27:15) Nice. Brad (27:15) a little bit similar to the stuff you're doing, but it's like we we Brad (27:18) That's where we put the emphasis. And if we're not performing, there's one of those three things is probably, not being addressed because you have to do either your four pillars or or the three things I've got on my team. It's nice to have that as a as a foundation. So I think it's a key tip for coaches out there listening that, hey, maybe you create this as part of your culture and it helps you out as a coach to come back to at a later time. Jesse (27:39) Yeah, and to just I wanna add two things. One, when your kids truly know the culture, like you said, it's not just in your head. I have five of my ten kids who hold all the other kids accountable for those pillars. And that Brad (27:50) Yeah, it's awesome, right? Yeah. Jesse (27:52) guess what? Now that monkey's not on my back because they are taking responsibility for it. point number two, I gotta give a shout out to a Missouri boy, Andy Frisella. You know Andy Frisella? Brad (28:03) Yeah, yeah. Jesse (28:04) Our pregame chant. Jesse (28:05) I stole from first form of the kill kill kill. Yeah. Yeah. Brad (28:08) Okay. Very nice. Yeah. That's cool. Very cool. Brad (28:14) it this is kind of a you know, we're we're kind of leaning this way anyway, but we've talked or I say I should say you've talked a lot about your in your work, about, you know, men taking ownership instead of blaming circumstances around them. And youth sports gives kids endless opportunities to to blame somebody else. You could blame the ref, you could blame a coach, a teammate, the other team, my parents, whatever. How how are Brad (28:37) maybe give me some insight. I know we talked a little bit about how you're teaching accountability, but maybe you've got some insight on on things that have worked well that we can replicate, you know, as other coaches and parents out here, to to to to teach accountability to young athletes. Jesse (28:51) Well, it starts with the coach. We've all heard Nick Saban take full responsibility for every loss, right? Brad (28:58) Right, right. Jesse (28:59) if we just think of like the Bill Belichick's, the Tom Brady's Nick Saban, th you never hear them offload that on anybody, right? Bill Belichick will say, Hey, we lost Super Bowl because of me. Tom's gonna No, no, no, we lost it because of me. So it starts with with the coach. I always take responsibility for everything. Jesse (29:18) And even when we win, I could have adjusted here first. I'm gonna go first. And then those guys, they go. And then when it comes to the team setting, right? It's really easy versus wrestling or versus being a husband, because husband, you can't offload that anyone. Dude, you're the man of the house. Okay. Brad (29:35) Right. That's right. Yeah. Jesse (29:37) wrestling, there's just you on the mat. But the team sport, it almost subconsciously gives you the out, well, there's Jesse (29:44) I got nine other kids on my team, because we have ten kids, right? Brad (29:49) Mm, mm. Jesse (29:50) there's four other kids on a field at any given time. It's not all my fault. But that's where I really bring in that what did w what could you have done? What did you do or not do? All that you had under your control. Like what could you have done different? What did you not do? Right? Which is why I go back to that, let's all bring it to the table. Brad (30:10) Mm-hmm. Jesse (30:11) We Jesse (30:11) can't blame anyone. I don't accept anyone pointing fingers. We have a strict rule. We never the quarterback does nothing wrong as far as the wide receiver is worried. You never give him a hard time. Brad (30:22) Mm-hmm. Jesse (30:23) Right? He has the more pressure on him than anyone, especially a nine year old now playing against fifth and sixth graders who are, Brad (30:29) Right, right. Jesse (30:30) eleven and twelve. We we got twelve year olds who we're playing against who are in sixth grade and they're twelve. it's like that's not cool. Jesse (30:39) Right, he's doing his best, you do your best, and make sure we shake it off. Right? Hey, that's on me. I could have dove, I could have done this, I could have ran my route better. Regardless if you think it was a bad pass, he was rushed, right? What could you have done? And when we all take responsibility of what I could have done, maybe I could have dove and just chose not to, right? If we take that responsibility, Jesse (31:01) Everyone will know that we all have each other's back and there is no blame and we'll come together and be victorious at the end of the day. Brad (31:08) Yeah, I think that's it's it's spot on what you're saying here. It always has to come down to, the things that they can control. And you we hear this all the time, but it really is true. And I I think it does go back to the, your four pillars or you know, the mantra that we have for for my team, but it goes back to those things that you look internally first and foremost and don't don't look to to blame other people. And I I like what you said a little bit ago too about Brad (31:35) When you when you create that culture of accountability, it's a little bit contagious. You're creating leaders on your team that can help replicate, that line of thinking and they can be the voice for the team and actually help the other kids come along. you know, and I I don't think there's any better time to talk about accountability than when you do lose a game or when you are losing, because everything's great when you're winning, right? Like for the most part, you know, there's there's not a lot of issues, Brad (32:00) But you can see things bubble up when you get that pressure from another team and you start to to lose potentially. So I think that that matters a ton when we're talking about accountability. Brad (32:11) So we always do five questions and I slip in a bonus question. Brad (32:15) The one I wanted to ask you is let's say you run into one of the players that you've been coaching, say, fifteen, twenty years from now, and they talk about their time with you while you were coaching them. What would make you feel the best? comments that they would make about their time spent with you? Jesse (32:30) I hope that they would tell me that I helped them realize that their identity is not in sports, is not in something that's determined by another man, right? The outcome of of a performance. Right, 'cause like I said, I everybody knows on my team that I am a a big believer in God. And so if I have a kid who's down, right, one of my nine year olds, he threw four interceptions versus one of these six great teams. Jesse (32:53) Okay, our first loss of the season, which didn't feel good. But guess what? It was in the regular season up against sixth graders. Now we're going in a playoff. And quarterbacks can take it really hard. But I told them, Hey, you guys believe in God, right? Your family? And I knew the answer. He goes, Yeah. And I go, Do you want to know what he says about you? And I like tell him what what God says about him, man. And I was like, so none of this actually matters, those picks. They have nothing to do with who you Brad (33:18) Mm. Jesse (33:18) are. Brad (33:19) Mm-hmm. Jesse (33:19) As a young man Jesse (33:20) at all. Right? I want you to just have fun. Let's shake it off. And we have more football to play. Right? You aren't defined by the outcome of this game or those picks. It has nothing to do with who you are as a young man. And I don't think they will grasp it the first time you say it, maybe not Brad (33:36) Mm-hmm. Jesse (33:37) even a second, but them thinking about that over time, they're gonna get they're gonna get a hold of that because Jesse (33:43) Athletes we get caught up in our identity is our performance. Did we make it to the league? Did we not? So I hope it's that, that hey coach, you taught me how to not put my identity in my athletic performance or my failures on the field. Brad (33:58) No, that's a great answer. I I was thinking about this one too. And honestly, to have an athlete even come up and say hi after 15 or 20 years, that's a start, right? Like you you were Jesse (34:05) Yeah. Yeah. Brad (34:08) something you liked and you enjoyed, so you're at least coming back to say hi. But I, you know, I definitely want them to think fondly of as I was thinking about it, so like I want you to think about the stuff outside of the game almost, like the pool parties we had, or you know, the pizza parties that we were able to have or celebrating around Christmas time, you know, those are the things where Brad (34:26) you have a lot more, team environment. You're almost you you're you're a small community, you're a small family almost. And so those are the things I want kids to remember. Not even necessarily, winning a medal f over a weekend or something like that. You know what I mean? Jesse (34:40) Yeah. Jesse (34:41) Do you mind if I ask you a couple coaching questions Brad (34:43) sure, yeah. Brad (34:44) let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah. Totally fine. Jesse (34:46) Because there's a couple of clips that Jesse (34:47) I saw that I wanna get your thoughts on. Right? If you don't mind. Brad (34:50) Okay. Let's do it. Let's do it. I'll Brad (34:52) I'll I'll kick the ball over to you a little bit. Jesse (34:54) a couple of your clips really resonated with me. And I briefly touched on a clip that I saw you talk about of moving up a division Brad (35:02) Mm-hmm. Jesse (35:03) from and you were talking about competitive soccer, correct me if I'm wrong. We'll Brad (35:06) Yeah, that's right. Jesse (35:07) just say it's the competitive division at age eight, and if you move up to the rec division of age nine, is it even worth moving up? Or is it this is my my view now. Jesse (35:18) Is it just a glorified trophy that you're gonna win because they're nine, even though it's a rec division? What are your thoughts on even playing up, whether it's playing up in a rec or playing up in competitive? Because we went up to competitive, because I look at playing up from fourth grade to fifth sixth Brad (35:36) Mm-hmm. Jesse (35:36) as our goal should be: can we be above 500? Playing against the competitive division. Because Brad (35:40) Mm, yeah. Yeah. Jesse (35:42) if we go rec. Jesse (35:43) Or are we just gonna end up winning out all the games if we play up in rack versus that's not the goal, we don't learn anything. But in that clip I didn't get to see the full context, so I actually wanted to hear from you, your Brad (35:53) yeah. Jesse (35:54) thoughts on on all that and how you guys go about it with club soccer. Brad (35:58) Yeah. Mm yeah. It's a good question. And and thanks for thanks for paying attention and remembering that. You know, that was a good one. I had a lot of good comments coming in. in general, I like your your rule of thumb of you kind of want to be five hundred if you're playing up in that competitive. Cause I I agree with you. Like I don't think it does anybody any good if you're just beating everybody. Cause I don't think you're actually showing growth on your team, right? it feels good probably for a little bit, but you're not really helping those kids too much. So my perspective with with the Brad (36:26) the soccer thing and I I got a little bit of flack, but I, at your age group, if you're playing at a top level and you that means you're very organized and you've got a lot of skill and you're doing some things very, very right. If you jump up an age group, yes, you're gonna give up a little bit of maturity there. but if you're playing in the rec division, let's say, those kids are in a rec division for a reason because they they don't have their stuff organized, right? They're not Brad (36:51) either physically where that younger team is or technically where that that team is. And so they're in that division for a region. And so I think apples to apples, it is, you know, jump up to that competitive, in my my opinion. See where you stand, right? Like if you're dominating in your age group, it's gonna do you no good to go to the lower division of the higher age group. I think check where you're at and go up to that that other age group. I think that's totally fine. I think that's fair. I just Brad (37:19) my thing was with that is that, we ran into that buzzsaw team. We wound up playing them very competitively. So I was I was happy with that outcome. It can't it showed me where my team was at. So I was super happy with that. I felt bad for the other teams that lost, 12 nothing, eight nothing in that tournament, because that doesn't help anybody. Jesse (37:36) Mm-hmm. Brad (37:37) but in general, yeah, that's that's my my two cents. I actually on my soccer team, I have a mix of 10, 11, and 12 year olds, and we are actually playing in a higher age range. Brad (37:47) to hit the higher mark. and so I actually enjoy that. My son's one of the younger ones on the team. And I actually like that because by the time he is at high school, I think he's you know he's facing some stiffer competition right now. And so that's just my long term thinking that, you know, this is eventually going to help him long term as well. I don't know if the did that answer your question. okay Jesse (38:07) Yeah, and Jesse (38:09) what is your what is your thoughts on how do you keep the parents satisfied if you're playing up in the comp competitive division and you're barely above five hundred because you are younger, you're playing up in age and in the competitive division. Like what do you how do you approach that? Because it seems like culturally across America, parents want to win now. Brad (38:32) Yeah, I agree. two things immediately popped in my head. one, I could never imagine a parent being upset with that, to be honest, just because you are playing up, you're playing at a high level, and you're showing some growth. Like, I think I mean, no offense to anybody out there, but I think it's a little crazy if you if you are questioning what's going on. But but secondly, I think how you help it as a coach is clear communication. Like things always come down to communication and Brad (38:58) I try to bring my parents along in the journey with my team because I am a longer term thinker. I do have a team that I hope we can stick together for for multiple years here as we progress. And so right now we're in a a mid to low division, but I have goals kind of like you mentioned. But by the time these kids are eighth grade freshmen, I want to be playing in premier divisions with them. And so helping the parents understand that we're doing things with the team right now that are going to help the kids mature and grow and learn. Brad (39:26) There might be some pain points along the way, but it's with this ultimate outcome in mind. And so I think if you get that type of culture, feeling across to your parents and to your players and you got everybody on board, I think that really, really helps, you know, you for instance in your scenario where you're at. And if you don't have somebody that's on board, you know, maybe they they leave and they go somewhere else. But this is, you know, you're the one that stepped up to coach, you're volunteering your time and kind of this is your vision. And Brad (39:54) You have people that are aligned with you or you don't. Jesse (39:56) That yeah, that is for sure. each summer I send out a PDF of what we're going after and so our my parents know but new kids who come onto our team, their parents will always be like, Man, I'm so excited for them to be on your team because we didn't win any games last year and it's like, well Jesse (40:12) Yes, we have a reputation of winning all the games, but that's not our goal. Right? Brad (40:16) Right. Jesse (40:17) We our goal is to move up fifth six. So we actually moved up midway through the season this year from fourth Brad (40:22) Okay. Yeah. Jesse (40:23) grade to fifth six, which was a giant hoopla and hoops that we had to jump through and I was so thankful that the director did it. Jesse (40:31) So yeah, I was curious about how you go about that that approach. 'Cause I'm a very Brad (40:35) Yeah. Jesse (40:36) like, take it or leave it, I don't care if your kid leaves. And I tell parents that, which isn't Brad (40:39) Yeah. Yeah. Jesse (40:40) everybody's cup of tea, right? Some of that forward and blunt. Brad (40:43) I I'm with you. I want the kids to stay together, but I also this is a joint effort thing. So I if a if a kid wants to leave for other opportunities or they're not aligned or a parents not aligned, I'm with you. it's totally fine. I'm not gonna beg somebody to stick with me. because this is their experience, right? We want them to have whatever experience they need. And and likewise, like if I feel like I'm not providing growth opportunities for my players, I'll help them go somewhere else. Like if you if you Brad (41:09) are too good and you shouldn't be with us, then let's go find a team where you probably should be playing. haven't had that happen yet. Who knows? It might it might come up still, but I'm I'm like you. That's the way I approach it. Jesse (41:20) Okay. Yeah, I was just curious. I wanted to hear the rest of that that clip. Brad (41:23) Yeah, that's and I'll be honest with you, man, it's it's a pet peeve. Like if we're just chatting here, like every tournament we go into, there seems to be a team that's out of the bracket. Like they shouldn't be in the bracket we're in. And I don't know if it's just tournament directors not doing a little bit of research on these teams that they're putting in these brackets or if they don't have enough teams and so they're filling in holes on on the brackets. It's just Brad (41:47) I I can see it from both sides, but man, it's it's a pet peeve when when your families are paying to be in the tournament and you want good competitive games, you do not want to see blowouts on the bracket. I I don't, I'll I'll argue that to the day I die probably. It's like those blowouts are just somebody's miss bracketed, whether you're on the the low end or the high end of that thing. and we're a tournament culture now, so it's like let's let's get this stuff right and put these kids into environments where they're actually gonna have a chance to compete against a team, you know. Jesse (42:15) to your point, beating any team even 35 to zero, also Jesse (42:20) cannot be fun and there's nothing that my kids learn. There's nothing Brad (42:23) Yeah. Jesse (42:23) that we learn. Brad (42:24) And on the other side, you're just demoralizing those kids, which isn't a great experience for them either, right? you get you Jesse (42:29) Yeah and Brad (42:30) know, not that that's necessarily your concern, but I mean in the grand scheme of things, you know, no kid wants Jesse (42:34) Yeah and Brad (42:35) to lose sixty five nothing, you know. Brad (42:37) kudos for the league director or the person that that got you guys moved 'cause I think that's ultimately the right call. So yeah, good job on that one. Jesse (42:46) Yeah. Brad (42:47) All right, Jesse. that's our time. thanks so much. It's been a good conversation. you shed some light on on flag football for me. I think we've had some good conversation on how to approach coaching and and building some some better little humans that w that we've got under our our coaching prowess. You know, I you've got some fantastic content out there too. So tell me once again, where can people find more about you? Jesse (43:10) My Instagram at Jesse Carstairs, J E S S E C A R S T A I R S. I have a website called The Ascent for Men, The Ascent for Men, which is me and my partner, Adam Tyler Free. It's where you can find out about our men's retreats, our pod coaching, our men's community. And then on we have a podcast, The Ascent for Men on Spotify, YouTube. Jesse (43:38) Apple and yeah, just Jesse Carstairs or the Ascent for Men. Brad (43:43) Awesome, Jesse. Yeah, and please, please give Jesse a look. He's got some really good stuff out there. It's it's entertaining and it's insightful. And if this episode helped you, share with another coach or parent who's figuring things out too. You can find uncoached in this episode wherever you listen to podcasts. You can watch the episode on YouTube, and make sure to follow the coaching dad on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook. We'll see you next time on Uncoached.