Latest / Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh / Multidirectional Communication: Enhancing Parenting Skills

Transcript

Multidirectional Communication: Enhancing Parenting Skills · Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh

0:00
Welcome to another episode of Chatting With The Experts TV
0:04
show hosted by me, Paula Okonneh.
0:07
Every week I put on a show in which I have mainly women.
0:12
We have some men who inspire, educate, and empower women globally.
0:19
And last week, our topic was Multidirectional Communication
0:25
for Effective Parenting.
0:27
This week, we continue that topic because we had such a positive
0:32
feedback and so much interaction that the common question we had that
0:38
day was, when is there a part two?
0:40
And so today is part two.
0:43
I'll introduce my guest again just in case you didn't get part one and
0:48
you're just tuning on to part two.
0:51
But of course, I always ask my guests to expand more on themselves.
0:55
So let me just tell you a snippet about her.
0:58
Her name is Dr.
0:59
Ayo Adenuga.
1:01
She's a physician.
1:03
She's a distinguished public health expert physician, and
1:08
she's a visionary founder of
1:13
IEA Impact Consultant.
1:15
She's very passionate about removing barriers to care and improving
1:20
health outcomes and leadership skills for underserved population.
1:27
Today, we are continuing part two, and so I'm not going to waste too
1:32
much time introducing her because you got to look at part one to hear
1:35
what we're talking about today.
1:37
And so with that, I want to welcome Dr.
1:39
Ayo Adenuga to Chatting with the Experts.
1:43
Thank you.
1:44
I'm so honored to be back here again.
1:47
As you said, we had a fantastic time last week.
1:50
It was engaging.
1:51
It was interactive.
1:53
A lot of questions and we are back again just to continue and make sure that
1:58
those questions that are being asked, we will address them, you know, in
2:01
a comprehensible and holistic manner.
2:05
So today because some people might not have joined us last week, I'll
2:08
just give a very quick recap of what multidirectional communication is.
2:12
It's just communication across multiple channels, okay, in different directions,
2:19
removing all hierarchy, removing all barriers, and making sure that everybody's
2:23
been heard, and there's connection in the home or even in organizations, and there's
2:28
that bond that just brings people together because everybody feels heard, everybody
2:32
feels seen, and everybody is in a safe space within themselves and outwards.
2:38
So we spoke about the four types of communication,
2:40
which is Self communication.
2:43
We have the top down, up down communication.
2:45
We have the horizontal communication and external communication.
2:48
So, the first thing we spoke about is self communication and that's creating
2:52
this positivity within yourself.
2:54
Making sure that you're in a safe space to be happy.
2:57
You are intentional about having positivity within yourself and you
3:02
are in a place whereby you can pour from a full cup to your family.
3:05
And we said the four things you need to do is the four C's.
3:08
Number one, curiosity.
3:11
Every day.
3:12
Ask yourself, how do I feel today?
3:14
What is my body telling me?
3:16
The second one is connection.
3:17
How am I connecting to the higher power than myself?
3:21
I'm a faith based person and that's God.
3:23
And also communicate to myself through affirmations.
3:25
Connect with myself through affirmation.
3:27
The other thing is compassion.
3:30
Being kind to yourself, having self care, and the fourth is collaboration,
3:34
leveraging other people around you, either family, friends, or even coaches.
3:40
Making sure that you don't hide that thing that continues to kill you.
3:44
Then the other thing we spoke about is communicating with your partner.
3:47
How do you communicate with your partner so that you're on the same page?
3:51
And Because you're both aligned, you're able to show, model what it takes
3:56
to live in harmony to your children.
3:59
So the first thing is be intentional about building relationships with your spouse.
4:03
Because when you build that positive relationship there's less defensiveness,
4:07
there's less bitterness in the relationship, because that relationship
4:10
is there, then validate your husband or your partner husband or wife,
4:14
because he had men joining us as well.
4:16
So validate their feeling.
4:17
Don't throw it away.
4:18
Don't feel they're not enough.
4:20
Avoid criticism, avoid being judged or judging your partner focus on
4:24
affection, focus on communication, focus on being kind, being respectful,
4:29
and focus on collaboration.
4:31
Let it be us versus the world, not me and my partner against ourselves, because
4:35
it really breaks down a lot of things.
4:37
Then have a positive regard for your spouse, either male or female,
4:42
have a positive regard for them.
4:44
Just show the children that this person is the authority in this home.
4:47
The husband can say, my wife is the authority in this
4:49
home when I'm not around.
4:50
You children need to listen to her.
4:52
All the wife respects the husband's authority and
4:55
ensure that everybody aligns.
4:56
So that's so important to that.
5:00
Yes.
5:00
Yeah.
5:01
So that's a recap.
5:02
Thank you so much.
5:03
Because, you know, as we said, it was Multidirectional Communication
5:08
for Effective Parenting.
5:09
And so a lot of what you were saying was so that children would also
5:13
be able to mirror what they see in the home at a later stage of life.
5:18
And so that's kind of what you're delving in today, right?
5:21
Communicate.
5:21
Absolutely.
5:22
And I want to say that parenting and communicating to our children
5:28
is just a fulcrum of relationship.
5:30
Many relationships thrive on that communication and connection.
5:35
And it's where we communicate effectively that we can build that bond that tests
5:39
the trials of time that would come.
5:43
And parenting can be hard.
5:45
Parenting is lifelong.
5:47
It's lifelong.
5:48
It never stops.
5:49
Tell me about it.
5:51
But there are different stages and different levels.
5:55
But one thing I heard recently is parenting is not about the children.
6:01
It's not about the teenagers.
6:02
It's about us.
6:04
Okay.
6:04
If not it would have been called maybe childing.
6:07
So parenting.
6:08
Tell me that again.
6:10
Parenting is not about the children.
6:12
So it's not about, you know, the infant or the toddler or the,
6:17
as you said, the tweens, the teens, and even the young adults.
6:21
It's about us.
6:22
It's about us.
6:23
How do we show up?
6:25
How do we communicate?
6:26
How do we modulate things?
6:29
How do I ensure that at the end of the day, we set the tone?
6:34
So we don't react based on our children's reaction.
6:39
We react based on what's the outcome we want to see.
6:42
And that's where most parents lose it.
6:45
They feel it's about the child, it's about the child, and this child has to
6:48
get it right, this child is this, and we don't look inwards of what we can do.
6:52
Many times we also react because we are scared.
6:55
Being fearful of losing control of our children, being fearful of the
7:01
child, if the child does something bad, you're like, Oh, I didn't do well.
7:04
I must be a failure as a parent.
7:05
And then you scream internally and scream externally, right?
7:10
Because they are just here.
7:11
They just want to still be in control.
7:13
We're also scared of what this child is going to be a negative outcome.
7:16
But in all that situation, we don't even have control over our
7:21
children throughout their lifetime, they would grow to be 18, 21.
7:25
They're going to leave and be in charge of their family And
7:28
then do you really have control?
7:30
No, so let's talk about what it takes to be an effective parent.
7:35
I mentioned four things last week and as number one, what do
7:38
you want your children to know?
7:40
What are you going to communicate with them?
7:42
Yes.
7:42
Second, what do you want your children to see?
7:46
Third, what do you want your children to feel?
7:49
And then what do you want them to do?
7:52
We are going to break this down into various things.
7:54
So the first thing is that what do you want them to know?
7:56
What do you want them to know?
7:58
Okay.
7:59
If you see my hand, that's because I'm writing.
8:01
Alright.
8:01
Please.
8:02
Please do.
8:03
Okay.
8:05
And everybody out there, please.
8:06
As you're listening, please jot down, write down, you would go
8:09
back to your notes and review them.
8:11
They'll be very helpful to you.
8:13
Yes.
8:14
So the fourth, I have three G's and one C.
8:19
Number one is grit.
8:21
The first G is grit.
8:22
Now you need to let your family, your children know about the family values.
8:29
That's the principle you stand on.
8:32
So it's not about how I feel.
8:33
It's not about my ego.
8:35
It's about the values.
8:36
It's about integrity, honesty, discipline, respect, love, kindness.
8:43
So when the behavior doesn't align, you can point them back to those values.
8:48
So you need to teach your children that they know the family values.
8:51
The second thing we need to teach our children is being able to
8:56
problem-solve when there are issues.
8:59
How do you manage those issues so that even when I'm not there, you're
9:02
able to address that correctly?
9:04
And many at times, we manage our children.
9:06
We control our children.
9:08
No, we will want them to manage themselves.
9:11
So when we are not there.
9:13
They can persevere, they can go on, right?
9:18
Those are the things we want them to do, not to quit at any
9:21
point in time, but to persevere.
9:23
I'll give you a quick story.
9:24
So, my daughters went on a turkey trot.
9:28
It's like a mini marathon in their school.
9:31
So we started running, I was just cheering them on, Hey!
9:34
Go girl!
9:34
Go girl!
9:35
At the sideline and all parents were doing that.
9:37
And after like 10 minutes, we saw this girl, she was a bit
9:41
obese, she was lagging behind.
9:43
And then others were right in front and she was just going.
9:46
And her mother joined her.
9:48
And they continue to walk and walk and walk.
9:51
And when they came down to where I was standing, cheering on, I didn't go on
9:55
the marathon, but I now cheer the mother.
9:58
Well done.
9:59
This is great.
10:00
I was like, yes, I need to teach my child that she needs
10:03
to finish what she has started.
10:06
I need to make sure that she doesn't quit just because she's tired.
10:10
So even though they finish 30 minutes behind everybody, they did it together.
10:16
So you want your children to know what the values are.
10:20
Discipline, perseverance, knowing how to problem solve, knowing how to draw from
10:26
the inner strength and knowing how to draw from the environment, from support.
10:31
So that is that.
10:32
The second G is grace.
10:36
You have to let your children know how to be kind to themselves.
10:40
That's the first.
10:40
Remember the internal positivity.
10:42
We have to be kind to ourselves.
10:44
The second thing is how are you going to be kind to other people?
10:48
Now, sibling kindness is so important because charity begins at home.
10:53
You train them to be kind to their siblings.
10:56
Because sometimes children kind of behave better outside than inside.
11:02
And the teacher will say, Oh, this girl is just the best girl.
11:04
This boy is just the best.
11:05
And you're like, really?
11:06
The child I know in the house?
11:08
Is it the same child?
11:10
But the truth is that they are more comfortable being themselves
11:13
in the home than outside.
11:16
Outside we put on this facade and align what we want people to see.
11:21
That people can like us.
11:23
In the house, they have to like you for who you are, you're irrespective.
11:26
But who are you really?
11:28
Are you a kind-hearted person?
11:30
Are you a loving person?
11:32
And so we have to teach our children kindness.
11:35
Kindness is learned.
11:37
You know, a child that is delivered or by the time she's two, she started lying.
11:41
She started saying, give me my toys or grabbing other people's toys.
11:44
You teach the child how to be kind.
11:47
So the other thing is being forgiving.
11:50
As part of grace, so grace is kindness.
11:53
Being kind to themselves, being kind to other people, being forgiven and
11:57
being understanding, you know, I mean, forgiving somebody is part of being kind.
12:02
The other thing is gratitude.
12:04
So they have to be thankful to where you do things for them.
12:09
You know, these are the magic words.
12:10
Thank you.
12:11
You have to teach them to be thankful, teach them to be thankful for who they
12:15
are as a person and teach them to be thankful for where they are right now.
12:22
Thankful to others, thankful to whom, for who they are.
12:26
What's the third one?
12:27
And also thankful for where they are in this world right now.
12:33
Yes.
12:34
That is a good one, especially in this era with you know, IG
12:40
the younger generation aren't on Facebook anymore, but IG and TikToK.
12:44
Where they see slivers of other people's lives and think, yeah, that's, yes.
12:53
It's a sliver.
12:54
It's not real.
12:55
It's not real.
12:57
And unfortunately they now have a self esteem about, I mean, low self esteem.
13:01
I say, Oh, I'm not good enough.
13:03
We are living in this normal house.
13:06
My friends are living in this mansion or things like that.
13:09
You need to be thankful and be grateful for yourself.
13:15
You need to like yourself, right?
13:17
You need to like yourself and be thankful.
13:20
So that's gratitude.
13:21
And gratitude is a muscle that builds resilience, that builds positivity,
13:26
that helps you to thrive and to survive both personally and in organizations.
13:31
So the other thing is candle.
13:33
So I've mentioned the three G's, which is having grits, having
13:37
grace, having gratitude, and candor, candor or boundaries.
13:43
As a parent, you need to let your children know clear boundaries in the home.
13:48
Let them know the expectations that you have of them, right?
13:52
We can't say we have to be a sweet parent, communicate well at
13:55
everything, and there's no boundary.
13:57
There has to be clear boundaries and consequences.
14:00
Remember I didn't say punishments because punishment is like punitive, but
14:06
consequences is like you made this choice.
14:09
These are the aftermath of your choices, positive or negative.
14:13
You've made those choices and those are the consequences.
14:16
So I'm going to stop just very quickly.
14:19
All right.
14:19
Yeah.
14:19
So you're talking to an audience that is very mixed.
14:23
We have some young people and we have some who are like my generation.
14:27
We are baby boomers and as you said, parenting doesn't end once the child is
14:32
18 and they go for a lot of us, especially as the immigrants mainly watching this.
14:38
Parenting is for life.
14:39
When they're 18, okay, they may go to college, but they're still your child.
14:44
So, there have to be ways of unlearning some behaviors because, you know,
14:51
you said boundaries and, you said, consequences are not punishment.
14:56
And our generation grew up where there was more punishment.
14:59
Nobody, most times, and I'm just generalizing, you weren't given a
15:03
reason that mom or dad were doing this.
15:06
You're told if you don't hear.
15:07
You will feel.
15:09
How does someone unlearn that?
15:13
That's a great question.
15:14
So the difference between consequence and punishment is, punishment you're
15:20
just waiting for that child to flounder and then you put the rod, right?
15:26
You put the rod, you do this, you know, I give you the rod.
15:30
I remove these privileges.
15:31
I do this.
15:32
Well, consequence is teaching first.
15:36
You teach the child the right values.
15:39
You teach the child what to do.
15:41
You show the child how to do it.
15:43
That's why modeling is important.
15:45
And then you let the child know the consequences of the actions.
15:50
And so, for instance, let's say they didn't wash the plate as once the
15:55
rule can be, if you don't wash or do your chores here, you have to wash
15:59
the plates for the next two days.
16:00
So you say, Oh, I see that you didn't wash your plates.
16:04
And you know, the consequence of not washing the place today is that
16:07
you watch for the next two days.
16:08
So I expect of you the next two days, you're going to wash it.
16:11
So that's the consequence of not doing your chores, right?
16:15
So that's the consequence.
16:16
So it's not like, so the child knows you chose not to do it and
16:21
then these are the consequence.
16:24
If a child does not grumble, does not complain and everything,
16:28
there's something called grace.
16:31
Right.
16:31
Grace.
16:32
Okay.
16:32
I see you're repentant.
16:34
I see you did your chores quickly.
16:35
Okay.
16:36
We can step down from two days to one day, but it doesn't have to
16:41
pay those consequences because you can't have a bark without a bite.
16:45
And that's where many patients and many parents feel whereby
16:50
they'll say, I'm going to do this.
16:51
Then they don't.
16:53
And so the child learned, I don't, if I do it, nothing's going to come out of it.
17:00
All right.
17:02
So that's communicating with children.
17:06
Yes.
17:06
And we learned that three G's and one C.
17:09
I love all of that.
17:11
What about communicating amongst themselves and with others?
17:17
Yeah, that's very important.
17:19
Now communicating, even though I did mention what do you want them to see
17:23
what do you want them to know, I want to just quickly say that what do you
17:28
want them to see is about possibilities.
17:33
Many children have very low self esteem of themselves, but you want to let them know
17:38
that they are made in the image of God.
17:39
You want to let them know that anything is possible.
17:42
You want to let them know that when they put their hearts to it, they can do it.
17:47
You have to let them know that confidence is rooted in God.
17:50
With God, all things are possible, right?
17:53
So please, as parents, let your children have that self confidence
17:57
they need in themselves, and many times it's from actions.
18:02
You have to turn your mind, dreams, or ideas to intentions, to actions.
18:09
The more you act on those goals, the more confident a child is, the more
18:13
they'll be able to say, Yes, I can do it.
18:15
I've done it before.
18:16
I can do it again.
18:17
And the children or the parents continue to let the children know,
18:20
Hey, you've done this before.
18:21
You can do this again.
18:23
And so you are that support system they have and that communication
18:27
with them is important.
18:28
Quickly, how do you want them to feel?
18:29
You want to let them feel loved.
18:31
You want to let them feel appreciated.
18:33
You want to let them feel worthy, feel safe.
18:35
Do you feel very validated?
18:38
And I want to quickly talk about the strategies and that's going
18:40
to your question, communicating people from parents to the children.
18:45
And that's actually verbal and nonverbal communication.
18:48
So there are strategies for communicating positively and assertively with children.
18:55
Now let us move away from being judgmental, being accusatory,
19:02
mimicking the child, criticizing the child, evaluating the child.
19:06
The child does something, you're like, you're just a child, you're just a
19:09
bad child, you're just a wicked child.
19:11
You are irresponsible, you are senseless.
19:14
No, don't call names.
19:16
Don't make it about the person, make it about the situation.
19:21
Right.
19:22
So we have to move away from judging to being descriptive in our communication.
19:27
So I'm going to share a few things you have to do.
19:30
Number one, when a child does something and they would always mess up, parents
19:34
will mess up, children will mess up, but how can we make it better?
19:37
They'll always make wrong choices to be sincere.
19:40
But what we can do is do three things.
19:44
Number one, describe the situation or describe the behavior.
19:48
I noticed you didn't lay your bed.
19:50
I noticed you slammed the door.
19:52
I noticed you were shouting just now.
19:54
Or I found this in your room.
19:56
You know, whatever it is, what is it about?
20:00
Right?
20:01
Show how you feel about it.
20:03
Oh, I feel disrespected when you shout.
20:05
I feel disrespected when you raise your voice at me.
20:09
I feel disrespected when, so you don't say that, you say how you feel, or you
20:13
say, Oh, I'm worried about your choices.
20:16
I'm worried about the things you've done.
20:18
I found this may be condom or cigarettes or drugs or whatever
20:24
you see in your child's room.
20:25
I found this in your room.
20:27
I'm very worried about the choices you are making.
20:29
You know, that when you talk about the consequences, those behaviors
20:33
can cause you to lose your job, cause you to lose your life, can
20:38
cause you not to have television or your phone in the next two days.
20:42
I noticed, you know, so, so let it be about those things.
20:46
Or you say, you were screaming so hard this morning.
20:48
I noticed you were screaming.
20:49
What was that about?
20:51
So that way it's about that behavior.
20:55
Don't make it.
20:56
And I, to be sincere, I've made that mistake before where my
21:01
daughter would do something.
21:02
I'll say, you have been, no, you're talking back.
21:05
That is pride.
21:07
I know it's a hard thing, but I'll say that is pride damage.
21:09
You are prideful.
21:10
And she started internalizing it.
21:12
Oh, I'm just a bad person.
21:14
I'm a bad person.
21:16
And it made her feel very resentful.
21:19
Mm-hmm.
21:20
To say it makes me feel as if I'm the problem.
21:23
So rather than facing the situation, I translated that situation to her.
21:28
Mm-hmm.
21:29
And I learned the hard way.
21:31
And that's why I'm telling parents this as well.
21:34
We have to make sure in all our communication, it's about the situation.
21:39
And whatever consequences comes from that, however you are feeling.
21:42
And I'll just give a very quick...
21:44
my son recently, he went over his boundaries.
21:49
I'll just read the text.
21:50
I wrote to him at his life.
21:53
That's my phone.
21:53
I said, Hey, I noticed you chose to go against your dad, my instructions
21:59
and God's command for obedience.
22:02
This makes me really worried for you that you chose the consequence
22:07
of disobedience and defiance.
22:09
You chose to damn aptly and instructions not to do this thing.
22:13
And it worries me that you are willing to lose all privileges.
22:18
As a consequence of your actions.
22:21
And then I told him what I expect.
22:23
I expect you to come home at this moment, you know, and I said, let the
22:27
spirit of God guide your decision.
22:30
And he said, just one sentence.
22:33
I'll come home.
22:35
Wow.
22:36
So I didn't make it about, Oh, you are going to, why do
22:39
you want to destroy your life?
22:41
Why do you want to do that?
22:42
Of course it takes learning, it takes skills.
22:45
I was about to say, yes, it took you some time to be able to practice that and
22:51
put it into action with your children.
22:54
Exactly.
22:55
But it can be learned.
22:56
Can be learned.
22:57
We have to...
22:58
it's not as if initially you would not go all haywire, freak out and be angry,
23:04
but you have to modulate and regulate.
23:07
You don't allow your child's behavior to regulate your own outcome.
23:10
You have to always have the end in mind.
23:13
What do I want to see?
23:16
So quickly, again because of time.
23:21
The things you have to say, like I said, instead of saying giving
23:24
orders, you can describe the problem.
23:26
Instead of attacking the teenager, you can describe how you feel.
23:30
Instead of threats and orders give choices.
23:33
Maybe ask them to wash the plate.
23:35
You've not done it.
23:35
I noticed you didn't wash the plates.
23:36
It makes me feel very agitated when I get to the kitchen and it's all scattered.
23:40
You know, I don't feel you really respected the rules in the house.
23:44
When would you want to wash those plates?
23:46
In the next 30 minutes or one hour?
23:49
Oh mom can I quickly do this?
23:51
I can wash it in the next one hour.
23:53
They hold them accountable for that.
23:54
Right.
23:55
So instead of pointing out wrong, state your values instead
23:59
of nagging, put it into words.
24:01
Right.
24:02
So, the other thing that I wanted to talk about is what do you want them to do?
24:09
Children do what they see more than what they hear.
24:13
And that's where modeling is so important as parents.
24:17
How do you show up even as husband and wife, when we have
24:21
conflicts, how do we show up?
24:24
Because sometimes the way we scream, the way we are angry, the way we slam
24:28
the door, silent treatment, all those things, the children are seeing.
24:32
And when they have conflict with you, they do the same thing.
24:35
That's what mommy did.
24:37
That's what daddy did.
24:38
So they do it.
24:40
Mm-hmm.
24:42
And the other thing is, so you have to, as parents also, we should not
24:48
be complaining and complaining.
24:51
Let us show hearts of gratitude.
24:53
Let us walk the talk.
24:55
Secondly, let us help them to see the people they surround themselves with.
25:00
That's what we want them to do.
25:02
Their network is their net worth.
25:04
Work with the wise and you become the wise.
25:05
That's the word from God.
25:07
So these are the things that I wanted to share with us.
25:10
And I'll quickly give something about a story I heard recently,
25:14
which is a true life story
25:16
Love your stories.
25:16
From Dr.
25:17
Becky.
25:17
Yes.
25:19
There was a girl that came to our hospital, our clinic.
25:22
She had been having repeated suicide attempts, cutting
25:25
herself, blah, blah, blah.
25:27
And this was two years after when she started.
25:29
And the doctor said, why are you coming this moment after cutting yourself and
25:34
doing all those things for two years?
25:36
She said, well, my parents had been telling me to come to the doctor, but I
25:39
told them that do you feel I'm a problem?
25:42
Do you feel I'm deranged?
25:43
Do you feel I'm broken?
25:44
I'm going to go to the doctor.
25:45
I'm not going to say anything.
25:47
And I'm going to waste her money.
25:48
I'm going to be against you.
25:49
And all those kinds of things.
25:50
And the parents, out of fear, did not take her to the doctor.
25:55
And the doctor said, at a point, the girl looked down, and in a whimper, she
26:02
looked up and said, and Doctor, do you know that, with all that, they allowed
26:07
me to do whatever I wanted to do?
26:11
They allowed me to stay home and get away with that.
26:14
Can you imagine my parents, a teenage child, listening to my threats and
26:21
giving me the things I really need, which was therapy two years ago?
26:26
In other words, we parents are more fearful.
26:30
We can set boundaries.
26:32
We can let our child receive the care they want to, they ought to
26:35
receive in a loving manner, right?
26:38
Rather than always being scared and letting the child be in control.
26:42
So communication is important.
26:44
Boundaries are important.
26:45
They will thank us for parents that have the right authority and
26:48
influence, rather than allowing them to just do whatever they have to do.
26:52
Especially before they turn 18 in the US.
26:56
And even out of the US, I knew, and I didn't live in the US at that time,
27:00
I knew a young lady who used to say, I go to my cousin's house, rather
27:04
than stay in my house, because in my house, there's not much discipline.
27:08
But I know when I come to my cousin's house, I can't get
27:12
away with certain things.
27:12
And I need that.
27:14
She says, I, you know, I love my mom, but I don't respect her.
27:18
And this was way before I got married and I heard that story and I thought
27:22
to myself, hmm, take note of it.
27:26
Because she said, I am looking for discipline.
27:29
Her mom was afraid of her and wouldn't discipline her,
27:33
but she did not understand.
27:35
I mean, I thank God for where we are in 2020, for where we're
27:39
more aware of, mental illness.
27:41
We are also more aware of emotional intelligence and parents
27:45
need to tune into that now.
27:47
I mean, my generation, we're not too out of it because some of us
27:50
will be grandparents at some time.
27:51
Even those things that we're learning now can be applied to our grandchildren.
27:55
True.
27:56
Very true.
27:57
And if I could quickly round up, and this is external communication,
28:02
how are we training our children to be ambassadors of the home?
28:07
It's important.
28:08
We have to continue to teach them in the way they show up in the way
28:11
they dress and the way they speak.
28:13
Yes.
28:13
But one thing that is very important is communication with peers.
28:17
Sometimes some peers can be nasty.
28:20
They can do things to people that makes you feel less of yourself.
28:24
I know people that have committed suicide because of the way their
28:26
friends were treating them or the people in their in their classes, either
28:30
because they are migrant children.
28:33
They're not in the U S the accents is different.
28:35
My children definitely received bullying in school.
28:38
I'm feeling less of themselves either because of accents or things
28:41
like when we first came here.
28:43
One of the things that we had to teach them is being assertive.
28:47
Now I will say that being assertive is communicating with others in a
28:52
direct and honest manner without intentionally hurting anyone's feelings.
28:58
Direct communication can reduce conflicts.
29:00
Yes.
29:01
It can build self confidence.
29:04
It can enhance personal and work relationship.
29:08
And the key to assertive communication is being confident in who you are.
29:12
If you are not confident in who you are, if you don't like yourself, if you
29:16
don't value yourself, you are likely to just take those things in as, you
29:20
know, yeah, I'm not, I'm nothing good.
29:23
But if you know that you deserve this, you can confidently show up.
29:29
You can give clear communication so that what you said just
29:32
now, it hurt my feeling, right?
29:35
You let them know what is just happening.
29:37
And then you sit in a controlled manner.
29:41
When they are screaming, don't scream.
29:43
When the person is angry at you, step out of it, right?
29:47
That way, the CEO in control, the girl I could recently, she had so much trouble
29:53
with that, that after coaching her and she went back to school, so people were
29:58
like, are you in some kind of therapy?
30:00
They saw a change in how she showed up.
30:02
They saw a change in how she communicated.
30:04
They saw a change in how she was unfazed by things they said.
30:07
But so parents, summing all this up, the way we communicate in our family is a
30:14
fulcrum of how our children would show up, how we would have that bond that makes
30:23
them excel in every area of their lives.
30:25
So thank you.
30:26
Thank you.
30:28
This is awesome.
30:29
This is, I mean, so good.
30:32
And I want to say, if someone would like to continue being in communication
30:36
with you, where can they find you online or follow you online?
30:40
You could follow me online at Dr.
30:42
Ayo Adenuga or at Ace Parenting.
30:44
That's on IG or Facebook.
30:47
And you can also send an email aceparenting@gmail.com.
30:52
I'll be willing to answer your questions.
30:54
I will need to work with you, to connect with you and just help
30:57
you to navigate those challenges that unique to teenage years.
31:00
So you can be successful personally and professionally.
31:04
Well, thank you for listening.
31:05
I really appreciate all of you being here today.
31:08
Absolutely.
31:09
Thank you.
31:10
And for those of you who have heard Dr.
31:12
Ayo Adenuga and would like to be a guest on my show just like she has been,
31:17
you can reach out to me on my website, which is chatting_with_the_experts.com.
31:21
You can follow me on Instagram and my handle there is at chat_experts_podcast.
31:31
You can also communicate with me on LinkedIn.
31:34
I'm on LinkedIn.
31:35
Just search for Paula Okonneh and in the same way you can find me on Facebook.
31:40
Just search again for Paula Okonneh.
31:43
Thank you Dr.
31:43
Ayo.
31:44
You are great and we say thank you for being a blessing to us
31:50
parents, grandparents who are listening and the younger generation
31:54
who are part of us as well.
31:56
Yeah.
31:56
Thank you.
31:58
Absolutely.
31:59
Thank you everybody.