Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #102 Teenagers Acting Like Toddlers

Transcript

#102 Teenagers Acting Like Toddlers · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, the
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  Speaker 1: podcast for the Time Poor Parent, who Just Wants Answers
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  Speaker 1: Now Well, Luke and Susie, our husband and wife radio
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  Speaker 1: team and the parents of three young boys. And today
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  Speaker 1: we are talking about teenagers acting like toddlers. Justin the
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  Speaker 1: question that Tracy has sent through, I think is a
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  Speaker 1: common one for teenage parents. She's written, teenagers question mark,
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  Speaker 1: question mark, question mark? How do you stop them fighting, winging, nagging,
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  Speaker 1: being lazy? It's like they are toddlers again, but too
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  Speaker 1: big to pick up and put in a time out?
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  Speaker 2: They usually are. They're usually bigger than us. So there's
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  Speaker 2: four or five questions in there. Which one should we
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  Speaker 2: concentrate on? Are we talking about just disciplining teenagers? Is
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  Speaker 2: that kind of Tracy's question?
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  Speaker 1: I think ultimately that's where it's going. We've got behavior
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  Speaker 1: that's coming out in teenagers that you know, it happens
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  Speaker 1: when they're toddlers, It stops for a while in the middle,
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  Speaker 1: and then it comes back as teens. What do we
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  Speaker 1: do when it comes back because we can't treat them
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  Speaker 1: like toddlers anymore.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, sure, and when we do, they tend to respond poorly.
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  Speaker 2: The three ease of effective discipline. I talk about it
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  Speaker 2: all the time, but this is such a critical part
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  Speaker 2: of it. Before we go there, though, I think that
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  Speaker 2: it's important to consider what our relationship with our teenager
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  Speaker 2: is and also why they are the way they are.
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  Speaker 2: So let's talk about those two things briefly, then we'll
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  Speaker 2: talk about the three ees, and probably all we'll have
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  Speaker 2: time for. First of all, imagine you're a teenager and
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  Speaker 2: your parents ask you to do something that doesn't suit you.
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  Speaker 2: What was your reaction?
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  Speaker 3: Probably not fit for the show.
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  Speaker 2: So we have these expectations about our teenagers. We kind
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  Speaker 2: of think, well, hang on, I was one, but now
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  Speaker 2: look at where I am now, look at who I've
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  Speaker 2: developed into, look at my maturity. I would never do
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  Speaker 2: that now. And we kind of expect our teenagers to
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  Speaker 2: be who we are because we've done the development, so
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  Speaker 2: they should just know that and be there. We forget
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  Speaker 2: that they're teenagers and they're going through the same thing
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  Speaker 2: that we went through. It's really hard to put ourselves
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  Speaker 2: in their position. They're seeming to be so unreasonable to
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  Speaker 2: us and so so much attitude and eye rolling, and
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  Speaker 2: it's just so lazy like that email said. And yet
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  Speaker 2: this is what we were usually like. Now, no, not
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  Speaker 2: everyone was. Some of us were wonderful A grade teenagers.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I mean enough about me. Let's talk more
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  Speaker 3: about Susan.
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  Speaker 2: So that's the first thing. Just remember what you were like,
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  Speaker 2: or what most teenagers are like. Second thing is imagine
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  Speaker 2: your relationship with your teenager is a bucket. A bucket
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  Speaker 2: is good for carrying well one thing, primarily water. That's
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  Speaker 2: why we have buckets to move water. If the water
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  Speaker 2: in the bucket represents the connection that you have with
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  Speaker 2: your team, the air represents what I call the correction
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  Speaker 2: and direction that you're giving to your team. Now, we
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  Speaker 2: want to have a full bucket. We don't want it
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  Speaker 2: to be full of air. We wanted to be full
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  Speaker 2: of water. But if Tracy and any parent of any
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  Speaker 2: teenager were to examine their interactions with their teenager and
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  Speaker 2: work out how much water is in the bucket, chances
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  Speaker 2: are it's mostly air. In fact, most parents that I
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  Speaker 2: talk to will say, yeah, about ninety percent air, about
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  Speaker 2: ten percent water. We're not actually connecting very well with
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  Speaker 2: our teenagers. And when there's no relationship, rules just lead
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  Speaker 2: to rebellion. It's like, why are you always telling me
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  Speaker 2: what to do? Like, think about your morning with your teenager.
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  Speaker 2: How much did you say, do this, do that? Why
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  Speaker 2: haven't you done it already? And by the way, you've
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  Speaker 2: done it wrong because that's all correction and direction. How
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  Speaker 2: much did you say, gee, I love having you in
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  Speaker 2: our family. When I see you walk out of your
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  Speaker 2: bedroom in the morning, you're like a ray of sunshine.
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  Speaker 2: I know that sounds a little bit trite and cheesy,
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  Speaker 2: but you know we're talking about this connection. Hey, what
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  Speaker 2: are you looking forward to today? What's going on in
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  Speaker 2: your world? Let's sit down and have a chat. And
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  Speaker 2: I know people are like, but no one's got time for
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  Speaker 2: that in the morning. But what about things like is
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  Speaker 2: there anything you need help with before you head off
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  Speaker 2: to school? What can I do to support you? That
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  Speaker 2: creates connection as well, and it positions us as an
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  Speaker 2: ally rather than an enemy. So that's what we've got
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  Speaker 2: to focus on. How do we build this relationship with
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  Speaker 2: our teens so they actually want to help us, They
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  Speaker 2: want to have a nice attitude towards us.
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  Speaker 1: O consense that we're heading towards a place where we're
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  Speaker 1: going to be filling our bucket with water.
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  Speaker 3: Next lot of some of us that definitely feels like
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  Speaker 3: there's a hole in the bucket. De dear Liiza, there's
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  Speaker 3: a hole in the bucket, lives a hole.
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  Speaker 1: Now you've talked about already the concept that we should
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  Speaker 1: be in teenager ys more focused on actually building this
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  Speaker 1: relationship than on the correction side of things in our world.
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  Speaker 2: Connection more than.
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  Speaker 1: Connection, more than correction. But how do we address the
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  Speaker 1: stuff that does need to be corrected?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah? Right, So this is the big one, right because
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  Speaker 2: everyone's like, well, now we're just getting into namby panby
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  Speaker 2: cotton wooling spoon feeding our kids. They're bubble wrapped and
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  Speaker 2: there's no discipline, there's no limits, And I understand that concern.
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  Speaker 2: But here's the really big challenge around this. When you're
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  Speaker 2: with somebody who's constantly telling you what to do, do
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  Speaker 2: you feel motivated to help them? Do you like being
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  Speaker 2: around them?
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  Speaker 1: No?
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  Speaker 3: Not.
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  Speaker 2: Generally, if we're in a relationship like that with somebody,
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  Speaker 2: we tend to avoid them. And that's I think at
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  Speaker 2: least part of the reason why our teenagers are like this.
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  Speaker 2: To us, we need to patch up the bucket, we
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  Speaker 2: need to keep the water in the bucket. We've got
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  Speaker 2: to actually, sorry, maybe there's no hole in the bucket.
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  Speaker 2: We just haven't put any water in for a while because.
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  Speaker 3: We're constantly evaporated.
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  Speaker 2: Acts. Yeah, it's just it's gone and there's only air
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  Speaker 2: in that in that relationship bucket.
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  Speaker 1: We're going to take this analogy as far as we can.
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  Speaker 3: We are going to rocket all the way through.
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  Speaker 2: So we've if we're going to have rules and if
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  Speaker 2: we're going to have limits, the best way to get
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  Speaker 2: those to stick is to have a good relationship. So
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  Speaker 2: spend time with your teenager and actually engage. And by
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  Speaker 2: the way, if you haven't done this for a while,
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  Speaker 2: they may be resistant. They may be like, what do
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  Speaker 2: you want, They might push back. What we're trying to do, though,
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  Speaker 2: is we're trying to build this connection. Then we get
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  Speaker 2: to have the conversation maybe in a couple of weeks,
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  Speaker 2: right where we explore, we explain, and we empower. So
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  Speaker 2: we explore by saying, you know, for the last few months,
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  Speaker 2: every time I've brought this up, you've gotten cranky, you've
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  Speaker 2: walked out of the room, you've slammed the door, you've
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  Speaker 2: just refused, you've said it's not my job. I shouldn't
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  Speaker 2: have to do it. I feel like something's not quite
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  Speaker 2: right here. Can you help me to understand what's actually
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  Speaker 2: going on? Way? Was it so hard to be nice
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  Speaker 2: to your sister? Why is it so hard to put
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  Speaker 2: the rubbish bin out once every week on a Thursday night?
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  Speaker 2: We explore, then we explain and our family we've all
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  Speaker 2: got to work together. You know that. And I keep
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  Speaker 2: your explanation short, and then in power you say, all right,
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  Speaker 2: so you get where I'm coming from. I definitely understand
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  Speaker 2: you in a way that I didn't until we had
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  Speaker 2: this conversation. What do we do about this? Put it
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  Speaker 2: back onto our teenager? The other question that I love,
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  Speaker 2: other than what do we do about this? Is how
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  Speaker 2: can I help so that we can make this work
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  Speaker 2: as a family. As we do that, we're actually treating
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  Speaker 2: our children like people, not problems, which means that they're
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  Speaker 2: more likely to engage with us, feel connected to us.
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  Speaker 2: And when there's water in that bucket, they're happy to
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  Speaker 2: have a splash, they're happy to play around, they're happy to,
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  Speaker 2: you know, be part of what we're doing.
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  Speaker 3: It strikes me that the majority of the things that
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  Speaker 3: you've talked about while we can understand the wisdom of
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  Speaker 3: it comes at a even if it's not a time expense,
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  Speaker 3: it's certainly a insight at the most stressful and difficult times,
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  Speaker 3: at our day expense, when we've got we feel like
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  Speaker 3: we're at our limit anyway of remembering all the right
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  Speaker 3: things to do? How do we go about it?
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  Speaker 2: A couple of really quick things here. First of all,
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  Speaker 2: you cannot discipline somebody. I mean, this is all about teaching,
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  Speaker 2: right Discipline is teaching. It's not about punishing. It's about teaching.
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  Speaker 2: You cannot discipline somebody when there's a lot of emotion,
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  Speaker 2: or when there's time pressure, or when there's an audience
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  Speaker 2: not going to work. So if you've got this issue
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  Speaker 2: right now, just deal with it later. Kick it down
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  Speaker 2: the road, Deal with it to night when everyone's calm,
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  Speaker 2: deal with it tomorrow morning, or on Saturday when you
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  Speaker 2: can go to the cafe and buy their favorite milkshake.
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  Speaker 2: Kick it down the road. Deal with the emotional stuff
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  Speaker 2: when you're in a nice, cool emotion rather than a
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  Speaker 2: hot emotion. That's the first thing. Second thing is it
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  Speaker 2: does take time. But as the late great Stephen Covey said,
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  Speaker 2: we need to remember that fast is slow and slow
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  Speaker 2: is fast. You can go for the quick fix, but
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  Speaker 2: you're going to have to keep on putting the band
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  Speaker 2: aid on and then ripping it off, and putting it
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  Speaker 2: on and ripping it off. The quick fix doesn't work
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  Speaker 2: long term. The slow, steady internalization takes a long time
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  Speaker 2: to build, but my goodness, it gets you much better
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  Speaker 2: results down the track because we've actually grown character in
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  Speaker 2: a child rather than being the external police making them
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  Speaker 2: do stuff. Especially with teenagers.
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  Speaker 1: If there's one thing I take away from this discussion,
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  Speaker 1: it's that, as opposed to with toddlers, with teenagers, we've
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  Speaker 1: got much more grace in when we can address issues.
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  Speaker 1: We've got much more time we don't. They can reason
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  Speaker 1: enough to understand that you're talking about a behavior that
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  Speaker 1: happened a week ago or two weeks ago. If you're
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  Speaker 1: don't address it immediately, you're not ruining their life.
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  Speaker 2: You're right, although I would say with toddlers we can
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  Speaker 2: actually address it later as well. We don't give toddlers
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  Speaker 2: enough credit for their ability to do it. Toddles is
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  Speaker 2: a different topic. I just think we get too hard
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  Speaker 2: on our toddlers. We just need to distract them, find
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  Speaker 2: something to amuse them and then talk in ten seconds.
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  Speaker 2: You know what happened before. Just we need to be
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  Speaker 2: kind like what I do with Luke.
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  Speaker 3: Again, you're not giving toddlers enough.
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  Speaker 1: Quest Doctor du Justin Colson, thanks for addressing this question
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  Speaker 1: from Tracy. We appreciate it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, great conversation. Thanks.
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  Speaker 3: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to
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  Speaker 1: Like Samantha did, I really enjoy hearing his outlook. I
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  Speaker 1: grew up very differently from my children, and I'm trying
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  Speaker 1: to break the cycle that my parents have given me.
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  Speaker 1: I just want to have a happy family and feel
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  Speaker 1: very fortunate to have found and heard these podcasts. I
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  Speaker 1: can only hope I do a good job raising my
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  Speaker 1: little Lee's. If I wasn't so far from him, i'd
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  Speaker 3: Well, if you'd like Justin to speak at your school
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  Speaker 3: or organization, all you got to do is visit Happy
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  Speaker 3: Families dot com dot au