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S3 E47 - IS EVERYTHING FAKE?? · The Steve & Jeff Show

0:01
SPEAKER_02: Welcome to the Steven Jeff Show, the funniest podcast ever.
0:06
SPEAKER_02: Hey people, I don't write the words, I just read them.
0:11
SPEAKER_02: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
0:16
SPEAKER_02: Write us a review while you're there too.
0:19
SPEAKER_02: And now, here's Steve and Jeff.
0:23
SPEAKER_04: Well, hey Johnny, thanks for bringing us back into the show.
0:26
SPEAKER_04: And man, it is mid-September and we really should be back at school.
0:29
SPEAKER_04: How's it going, Jeff?
0:31
SPEAKER_01: Good.
0:31
SPEAKER_01: It's beautiful out, beautiful fall weather, upper 80s and 90s, which kind of sounds like summer, but uh football season.
0:39
SPEAKER_04: You know, it's almost time to fall back.
0:41
SPEAKER_04: And of course, that is not the same as a backfall.
0:44
SPEAKER_04: You know, word order really is critical.
0:47
SPEAKER_04: People don't care about that, but word order is critical.
0:49
SPEAKER_04: I mean, imagine the difference between sticking in it and sticking it in.
0:54
SPEAKER_04: Okay, but I digress, right?
0:56
SPEAKER_01: I'm imagining it right now, Steve.
0:58
SPEAKER_04: And there's a big difference, right?
0:59
SPEAKER_04: You know, this whole concept of fall being this nice cool time.
1:03
SPEAKER_04: We play football, we drink cocoa, we eat chili, and that you know, no, no, that's a scam.
1:08
SPEAKER_04: You know, in Nebraska, falls just like summer.
1:11
SPEAKER_04: Used to live in Chicago, Chicago, fall, just like summer.
1:15
SPEAKER_04: Maybe a San Diego where it's 70 degrees in the fall.
1:18
SPEAKER_04: Well, you know what?
1:19
SPEAKER_04: It's just like their summer, too.
1:20
SPEAKER_04: It's a scam.
1:21
SPEAKER_01: You're absolutely right.
1:23
SPEAKER_01: And speaking of scams, I've just been bombarded with them lately, and most of them have to do with sex.
1:29
SPEAKER_01: They picked the wrong person because I, you know, I'm never fooled by that because I've I've never been offered sex before.
1:35
SPEAKER_04: Funny you should say that because speaking of scams and sex and sticking it in, I ran into a scam last week.
1:43
SPEAKER_04: I it really stuck it to me, I gotta tell you.
1:45
SPEAKER_04: That's which is different from sticking me to it.
1:48
SPEAKER_04: Okay, you understand that that's different.
1:50
SPEAKER_01: This episode is already starting off very sticky, isn't it?
1:53
SPEAKER_04: It is.
1:54
SPEAKER_04: Well, I'm I'm stuck.
1:55
SPEAKER_01: I don't I don't know about you, but but anyway, so tell me what happened.
1:59
SPEAKER_04: You know, there's this gas station near where I live, and you know, they're not doing so well.
2:03
SPEAKER_04: Well, the gas prices are down 15,000 percent, so they they really aren't making any money at all.
2:08
SPEAKER_04: They're actually paying people to to get gas.
2:10
SPEAKER_04: Of course, they're trying to increase sales.
2:12
SPEAKER_04: So the owner puts up a sign, says free sex with a fill-up.
2:17
SPEAKER_04: You know, I pull in, I put the hose deep into the tank, I filled it up.
2:24
SPEAKER_04: I I was pumping and pumping and pumping, and then I came to the climax.
2:29
SPEAKER_04: You know, uh-huh.
2:30
SPEAKER_04: I I'm getting a little sleepy.
2:32
SPEAKER_04: I should just describing that right now.
2:34
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, maybe that was the free sex, you know.
2:36
SPEAKER_04: I I don't know.
2:37
SPEAKER_04: But I digress, so it was self-serve, though, right?
2:40
SPEAKER_04: Well, most of the time it is with me, but I digress on that too.
2:44
SPEAKER_04: But so after I get the gas, you know, I asked for the free sex because I you know, I see the signs like the owner says, sure, here's what we'll do.
2:51
SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna pick a number from one to ten.
2:53
SPEAKER_04: And if you guess the number that I've picked, you'll get free sex.
2:58
SPEAKER_04: So I'm thinking, you know, I did most people pick seven.
3:01
SPEAKER_04: I figure he's gonna think most people pick seven, so he's not gonna do that.
3:04
SPEAKER_04: So I said, I pick eight, right?
3:06
SPEAKER_04: Says, now you were close, it was seven.
3:08
SPEAKER_04: So it was seven.
3:09
SPEAKER_04: It was that it was the number everybody picks, right?
3:12
SPEAKER_04: So no free sex, maybe next time, he says.
3:14
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so a couple days later, I zip in again, I pull in for that fill-up.
3:20
SPEAKER_04: I hose the tank.
3:22
SPEAKER_04: I'm pumping and pumping and pumping.
3:24
SPEAKER_04: And I asked for free sex.
3:27
SPEAKER_04: This time, you know, same deal.
3:29
SPEAKER_04: He said, Pick a number.
3:30
SPEAKER_04: This time I guess two.
3:31
SPEAKER_04: So I figured I'm gonna go low.
3:32
SPEAKER_04: You went high last time, I'm gonna go low, right?
3:34
SPEAKER_04: Because when they go high, we go low, right?
3:36
SPEAKER_04: Or something like that.
3:37
SPEAKER_04: And he said, you know, sorry, it was three.
3:39
SPEAKER_04: You know, very close again.
3:41
SPEAKER_04: Boy, you were close, but no cigar or no sex this time.
3:44
SPEAKER_04: So nice.
3:45
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
3:46
SPEAKER_04: So now, oh now, Jeff, you know, you know, you know how I get with this.
3:50
SPEAKER_04: I'm on a mission now.
3:51
SPEAKER_04: Oh, right.
3:52
SPEAKER_04: I drive all over Omaha just to burn up gas.
3:55
SPEAKER_04: I mean, I leave the motor running sitting out in the driveway.
3:57
SPEAKER_04: I mean, it's just I'm eating dinner and then cars running out there.
4:00
SPEAKER_04: I even drove to Hastings, and nobody even knows where Hastings is.
4:04
SPEAKER_04: Even Hastings doesn't know where Hastings is, you know, but I digress.
4:07
SPEAKER_04: Every time I went back, same thing happened.
4:10
SPEAKER_04: It was just it's a scam.
4:11
SPEAKER_04: It's just a it's one of so many scams out there.
4:14
SPEAKER_01: I hate to disagree with you, but Kathy saw the same offer, and she went to the same gas station and she won two times in a row.
4:23
SPEAKER_01: And the second time, she didn't even fill up with gas.
4:26
SPEAKER_01: So not everything is a scam.
4:28
SPEAKER_04: Oh, oh, so it's not a scam, but it's favoritism.
4:31
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, just like our justice system.
4:33
SPEAKER_04: I knew it.
4:34
SPEAKER_04: I knew I get it.
4:35
SPEAKER_04: I get it.
4:35
SPEAKER_04: I guess I've become pretty jaded about all that kind of stuff because you know, Jeff, this week I found out some really alarming news, very shocking news about our show.
4:45
SPEAKER_01: Did you find out that my dad isn't going to be on the show?
4:48
SPEAKER_01: Because that that would break my heart.
4:49
SPEAKER_04: Let me tell you, no, not it's not just Jerry's not coming on the show.
4:53
SPEAKER_04: He's not coming on the show, but that wasn't the news.
4:55
SPEAKER_04: Turns out we have been scammed.
4:57
SPEAKER_04: The Stephen Jeff show, that is, has been scammed.
5:01
SPEAKER_04: I just found out that almost all of our guests on our show are fake.
5:05
SPEAKER_04: They pretend to be someone interesting, you know, to get on the show, like cat juggler or a cemetery realtor or doctor that cures COVID.
5:15
SPEAKER_04: You know, they pretend to be somebody interesting, get on the show because they want to collect that$1.95 plus plus the parking validation.
5:22
SPEAKER_04: That's important.
5:22
SPEAKER_04: That parking validation, yeah.
5:24
SPEAKER_04: And of course they get to meet Miss Claire, and that's a Phillip in and of itself.
5:28
SPEAKER_04: So I feel used.
5:30
SPEAKER_01: This is so shocking to me.
5:32
SPEAKER_01: I I can't believe it.
5:33
SPEAKER_01: You mean that that wasn't my real dad on the show?
5:36
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I had my thoughts, you know, I my suspicions, but and no, I think your real dad's still in the wind.
5:42
SPEAKER_01: What about your mom?
5:43
SPEAKER_01: Is she has a child and she's 90 years old, you know.
5:46
SPEAKER_01: Little Stevie is that real?
5:48
SPEAKER_04: Well, see, that's the problem.
5:49
SPEAKER_04: I mean, some of the guests are real, but it's it's almost impossible to tell who's who.
5:54
SPEAKER_04: I I guess you know, I was wondering about my mom.
5:56
SPEAKER_04: I gotta tell you the truth.
5:57
SPEAKER_04: I mean, I mean, I know it's her.
5:59
SPEAKER_04: I go over there, we shoot back pop off, you know, just about every night.
6:02
SPEAKER_04: So I mean, I know it's her, right?
6:04
SPEAKER_04: Little Stevie's running around, and little Stevie's starting to like pop off too.
6:07
SPEAKER_04: She's about a year and a half, so you know, I think I think it's time.
6:10
SPEAKER_04: I began to have doubts, though, because I would have thought that at 90 she would have used some protection, you know, like a walker or one of those four-prong canes or something, you know.
6:20
SPEAKER_01: This is also amazing to me.
6:22
SPEAKER_01: So let me see if I got this right.
6:24
SPEAKER_01: So, in essence, our whole show has been fake and that we're just on the air to make people laugh.
6:32
SPEAKER_01: It's shocking to me, you know, and you combine that with that scam or whatever it was where those two guys pretended to be us on that other podcast.
6:42
SPEAKER_01: And and I don't know what to think.
6:43
SPEAKER_01: Is anything real anymore?
6:45
SPEAKER_01: I mean, how do you suggest we proceed going forward if we have to do real interviews?
6:51
SPEAKER_01: Do they teach classes on interviewing, or better yet, should we just be watching like late night shows, especially Jimmy Kimmel?
6:59
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so good at interviews, you know, soon.
7:03
SPEAKER_01: Colbert is too.
7:04
SPEAKER_01: So I don't know.
7:05
SPEAKER_01: Is that what we should be doing to get ready for this new kind of show?
7:10
SPEAKER_04: Well, see, I don't know about the late night shows because that's kind of a dying industry, if you know what I mean.
7:15
SPEAKER_04: But you know, it does make you wonder.
7:17
SPEAKER_04: I think there's some kind of glitch in the matrix, and we have to find it.
7:21
SPEAKER_04: If we find it, if we can fix it, if we can get on the right timeline, maybe we can have real guests in the future.
7:28
SPEAKER_04: But you really raise a good question.
7:29
SPEAKER_04: You know, can we do real interviews?
7:31
SPEAKER_04: I mean, if the people we were interviewing were not real, can we interview real people?
7:36
SPEAKER_04: I don't, yeah, I don't know.
7:38
SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
7:38
SPEAKER_01: What do you suggest?
7:40
SPEAKER_04: You know, funny you should say that because I was researching that woman that interviewed us on the fake AI, you know, that that says that she interviewed us, but we don't remember being there.
7:50
SPEAKER_04: And she has this podcast called I Have to Ask with Elizabeth Hess.
7:54
SPEAKER_04: And she sounds like quite an interview pro.
7:57
SPEAKER_04: I mean, it sounds very good, was very good in the interview that was supposed to be us.
8:01
SPEAKER_04: She even wrote a book called How to Do an Interview by Elizabeth Hess, host of I Have to Ask with Elizabeth Hess.
8:08
SPEAKER_01: Interesting.
8:09
SPEAKER_01: I think it's a great idea, especially since have we already paid her the the dollar ninety-five to be on the show?
8:16
SPEAKER_04: Oh, not yet, not yet.
8:17
SPEAKER_04: But you know, we're getting there, Jeff.
8:18
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, don't get ahead of yourself here.
8:20
SPEAKER_01: Well, let's bring her on.
8:21
SPEAKER_01: I can't wait to meet her.
8:23
SPEAKER_04: You know, I wasn't really sure what her name was, but you know, I know that her podcast is called I Have to Ask with Elizabeth Hess or something like that.
8:31
SPEAKER_04: So I didn't really know what her name was, but I contacted her through the podcast.
8:35
SPEAKER_04: I found the podcast, contacted her through the podcast, see if we're really on the show.
8:40
SPEAKER_04: And she did agree to come on our show and straighten this all out.
8:44
SPEAKER_04: And that might be the glitch in the matrix that fixes this all for us.
8:48
SPEAKER_04: She's just the other side of that glass.
8:51
SPEAKER_04: Should we bring her on?
8:52
SPEAKER_04: Sure.
8:53
SPEAKER_04: Alrighty then.
8:54
SPEAKER_04: Welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show.
8:56
SPEAKER_04: It's Elizabeth, right?
8:58
SPEAKER_00: It is Elizabeth.
8:59
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: And it's good to see you all.
9:02
SPEAKER_01: Well, it's great to meet you.
9:03
SPEAKER_01: And Steve has told me all about you.
9:06
SPEAKER_01: Well, actually, he hasn't told me anything about you.
9:09
SPEAKER_01: But but to be honest with you, Elizabeth, I don't ever remember being on the podcast.
9:16
SPEAKER_01: But in fairness, we've been doing this thing for what, a hundred years now?
9:20
SPEAKER_01: I think our at least.
9:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, we'll be celebrating our hundredth year anniversary coming up here.
9:26
SPEAKER_01: So it's easy to forget which podcasts we've been on.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: I understand that.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it was a couple of weeks ago, but maybe the name Elizabeth has doesn't ring a bell.
9:37
SPEAKER_04: A couple of weeks ago, hmm.
9:39
SPEAKER_04: You know, I know we did one with Steve Martin and Martin Short that was called the Two Martins.
9:44
SPEAKER_04: I gotta tell you, Jeff, I only agreed because I read the title as the two martinis.
9:48
SPEAKER_04: I thought it was gonna be Vladimart.
9:50
SPEAKER_04: I'm in, you know.
9:51
SPEAKER_04: So are you one of the Martins then?
9:52
SPEAKER_04: Maybe that that little guy's hilarious.
9:54
SPEAKER_04: Is that you?
9:56
SPEAKER_00: Um, you know what?
9:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm not familiar with that one.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: My podcast is I have to ask with Elizabeth Hess.
10:02
SPEAKER_01: And and you're that Elizabeth, because I don't want to question you, you probably know who you are, but we also were interviewed by Queen Elizabeth.
10:11
SPEAKER_01: Do you remember that, Steve?
10:12
SPEAKER_01: Um that was last week on on a show.
10:15
SPEAKER_01: It was called A Royal Shit Show, I think it was called.
10:18
SPEAKER_01: And she was an amazing woman.
10:20
SPEAKER_01: Is is that you?
10:22
SPEAKER_00: Uh no, also not me.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm Elizabeth Hess, I have to ask with Elizabeth Hess, but uh Queen Elizabeth, I feel like she's not with us anymore.
10:33
SPEAKER_00: Hasn't she been gone for like two, three years?
10:36
SPEAKER_04: See, Jeff, I knew we've been scammed again.
10:38
SPEAKER_04: I mean, I knew she wasn't the queen.
10:39
SPEAKER_04: She looked just like that actress, you know, from suits.
10:42
SPEAKER_04: We should have known.
10:43
SPEAKER_04: I mean, really, we should have known.
10:44
SPEAKER_04: Come on.
10:45
SPEAKER_04: I mean, be honest, Elizabeth.
10:47
SPEAKER_04: Can can I call you Elizabeth, or would you prefer I have to ask?
10:50
SPEAKER_00: Uh Elizabeth is fine.
10:52
SPEAKER_04: Oh, great, great.
10:53
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
10:54
SPEAKER_04: Well, see, that's our problem.
10:55
SPEAKER_04: No, not well, not your name.
10:56
SPEAKER_04: Your name's not our problem, but the fact that we keep getting scammed is a problem.
11:01
SPEAKER_04: Now, not only are we being interviewed by fake podcasters, but our show, I have to ask with Steve and Jeff, is made up of fake guests as well.
11:11
SPEAKER_00: Wait, aren't you the Steve and Jeff show?
11:14
SPEAKER_01: Of course we are.
11:15
SPEAKER_01: And I I don't know if that was a trick question, but Steve is right.
11:18
SPEAKER_01: We keep getting scanned all over the place.
11:21
SPEAKER_01: And I think this is where you can help us.
11:23
SPEAKER_01: We just found out that we've been interviewing fake people uh with fake stories, and that's gonna be ending coming up.
11:31
SPEAKER_01: So, in fact, as far as we know, you might be the first real person we've ever had on the show.
11:38
SPEAKER_00: That's a lot of pressure.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: How can I help?
11:40
SPEAKER_04: Since we don't really know how to interview real people, you know, maybe you can give us a critique of our interview skills, maybe make some recommendations, maybe we can practice a little bit or you know, give us advice, give us some notes on how we can do better.
11:53
SPEAKER_04: Maybe the way to do that is maybe we interview you and you tell us how we did.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm fine with that, but where do you want to start?
12:01
SPEAKER_04: Let's start with sharing a little bit about yourself, and that that's how we usually start these things, right?
12:05
SPEAKER_04: Just like tell us a little bit about your background, just share a little about yourself.
12:10
SPEAKER_01: Excellent start, Steve.
12:11
SPEAKER_01: See, this is why you know you're so logical, and obviously that that one IQ point shows here because I wouldn't have any idea where to start.
12:20
SPEAKER_01: I'd get ready to say goodbye at this point.
12:23
SPEAKER_01: So I'm so glad that you're taking the lead on this.
12:25
SPEAKER_01: It's great.
12:26
SPEAKER_04: Uh, you know, you know, I kept telling you that one IQ point, you'd be surprised how critical that point is.
12:32
SPEAKER_04: It is very, very critical.
12:33
SPEAKER_04: Anyway, Elizabeth, where are you from originally?
12:36
SPEAKER_04: Uh, where do you live now?
12:37
SPEAKER_04: What's your address?
12:39
SPEAKER_04: Where do you buy gasoline?
12:40
SPEAKER_04: Where you uh do have contests where you buy gasoline too?
12:44
SPEAKER_00: Um, you know what?
12:45
SPEAKER_00: I am from Urbana and I buy gas at places that do not have ads, do not offer free sex.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: But I did leave Urbana, went all the way to Champaign with Madison and Chicago in the middle there for the middle 20 years.
13:01
SPEAKER_00: So Urbana to Chicago to Madison to Champagne.
13:04
SPEAKER_04: Wow, so you cross that demilitarized zone known as the university there and you you you went over.
13:09
SPEAKER_04: Not a lot of people do that, Jeff.
13:11
SPEAKER_04: You know, that that's that's unique.
13:12
SPEAKER_01: I get it.
13:13
SPEAKER_01: You know, maybe you could give us your address when we get off this show.
13:17
SPEAKER_01: And so now just one question: where did you go to school if if you went to school at all?
13:23
SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you for the vote of confidence.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: I actually went to the University of Wisconsin, Madison, and got out of Champaign, Urbana.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: And I could give you my address there, but I'm not giving you my current address.
13:34
SPEAKER_00: People don't do that.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: Damn it.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: That's weird.
13:36
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, Madison, Wisconsin, go badgers.
13:39
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, go badgers.
13:40
SPEAKER_04: So when when you were at at Madison, did you major in podcast hosting or was it shop class that was your really your what you focused on?
13:49
SPEAKER_00: Clearly, you know me so well that I know how to build something, but no, podcasting wasn't even a thing when I was in college.
13:55
SPEAKER_00: Nobody even had a cell phone, so not a thing.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: I majored in journalism though, and I'm happy to use it, but I can't build anything, process anything, or host anything to quote, say anything, which I is one of my favorite movies.
14:08
SPEAKER_01: Excellent.
14:09
SPEAKER_01: So I used to go to Madison, I don't remember seeing you.
14:13
SPEAKER_01: I may be a tad older, but used to go to Madison once a year for the smoke in, but now it's legal in Illinois, so we do our smoke in at my house um on Fridays.
14:23
SPEAKER_04: Oh, I love those events.
14:24
SPEAKER_04: And I'll I'll see you.
14:25
SPEAKER_04: I'll see you on Friday, Jeff.
14:27
SPEAKER_04: I'm coming, I'm coming.
14:28
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
14:29
SPEAKER_04: But anyway, uh Elizabeth, my my next question is about your name.
14:34
SPEAKER_04: We already decided that you're not Queen Elizabeth, but your last name is Hess.
14:38
SPEAKER_04: Is that right?
14:40
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
14:41
SPEAKER_00: In in the title of the podcast, Hess.
14:44
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah.
14:45
SPEAKER_04: See, that's such a clue.
14:47
SPEAKER_04: I mean, we should have picked up on that, you know.
14:49
SPEAKER_01: Steve, I think she may have one additional IQ point.
14:53
SPEAKER_01: She might have one on me.
14:54
SPEAKER_01: Two over me, you know, yeah, two over you, Jeff.
14:57
SPEAKER_04: I guess I so name like Hess.
14:59
SPEAKER_04: What part of the world is your family from?
15:02
SPEAKER_00: Originally, we're from Argentina, but I took that 23andMe test.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: It says I'm German, which is, I think, a scam.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: Those 23andme tests are so inaccurate.
15:12
SPEAKER_01: That is so true.
15:13
SPEAKER_01: I took that test and it said that my cousin Debbie is actually my half-sister, too.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: And that just got really complicated after we got married.
15:22
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
15:22
SPEAKER_04: Well, you know, Jeff, the the Sharp family tree.
15:24
SPEAKER_04: It looks like you know, you've seen those trees look like they got hit by lightning back around 1600 and they're kind of bent and they grew weird.
15:31
SPEAKER_04: And but I'm just saying, but I digress.
15:33
SPEAKER_04: So uh my next question, your majesty, has to do with your your politics.
15:38
SPEAKER_04: What's your favorite political movie?
15:40
SPEAKER_04: I can't resist.
15:41
SPEAKER_04: I got I gotta go ahead.
15:42
SPEAKER_04: For me, my favorite, although I guess it's technically not a political movie, is that famous military movie.
15:49
SPEAKER_04: I wait, I I first saw this with lived back in Chicago.
15:52
SPEAKER_04: I saw this back at the Admiral Theater in Chicago when I was a teenager.
15:55
SPEAKER_04: That's the only theater I ever saw that said in their ads, bring your camera.
15:59
SPEAKER_04: And I did, you know.
16:01
SPEAKER_04: So I think the movie was called A Few Good Men and Me.
16:04
SPEAKER_04: And I guess I remember it had a very young Gimme Moore was in that movie.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't think I saw that one, but I did see the sequel, All the President's Men and A Few Clerks 2.
16:17
SPEAKER_00: But I can't remember if Gimme was in that one, too.
16:20
SPEAKER_01: Good to know.
16:21
SPEAKER_01: I bet I can still catch that movie on Netflix after dark.
16:24
SPEAKER_01: I yeah, I pay extra for that.
16:27
SPEAKER_01: But, anyways, I feel like we're doing well here.
16:29
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm pretty comfortable.
16:30
SPEAKER_01: How do you think we're doing, Elizabeth, right?
16:33
SPEAKER_01: Is that your name?
16:34
SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah, still Elizabeth, actually.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're doing you're doing great.
16:37
SPEAKER_00: The only thing I would suggest, if I if you don't mind me just kind of putting down some ground rules, please stay away from personal questions, nothing sexual.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: I know in the old days you could get away with it.
16:49
SPEAKER_00: I remember interviewing Milton Burl, one of my earlier jobs, and he just couldn't stop making every question about his penis.
16:57
SPEAKER_00: It was frustrating since only about half my interview questions were about how shall we say, little Milton.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: But now you can get into a lot of trouble going there, HR and all the you know, the judgy ones.
17:10
SPEAKER_00: So, no, we're not gonna go there.
17:12
SPEAKER_04: That's a great tip.
17:13
SPEAKER_04: That's a real heads up.
17:15
SPEAKER_04: Just a little shout out to old Milty there.
17:17
SPEAKER_04: But anyway, most of the rest of the questions were all about sex and body parts.
17:23
SPEAKER_04: So does it matter if we talk about our body parts?
17:26
SPEAKER_04: Is that that's not sexual, right?
17:28
SPEAKER_00: No, actually, really, not really at all, unless you're Milton Burl.
17:32
SPEAKER_00: But it did occur to me, and well, for your audience, that any living audience might not know who Milton Burl was.
17:39
SPEAKER_00: You might want to update that.
17:41
SPEAKER_01: Good idea.
17:42
SPEAKER_01: Maybe we should substitute like Robert Redford.
17:46
SPEAKER_01: The kids love him, he's so good looking.
17:49
SPEAKER_01: He's a heartthrob, and he was in this movie.
17:52
SPEAKER_01: I think a movie that just came out, Butch Cassidy and something.
17:56
SPEAKER_01: Maybe we should uh use him as an example.
17:58
SPEAKER_04: I think it's great to think big.
18:00
SPEAKER_04: You know, I'm gonna have Miss Claire check and see if Robert Redford's available.
18:03
SPEAKER_04: You know, maybe we should start with somebody who might be a little more available, you know, maybe uh like a Gene Hackman or something.
18:10
SPEAKER_04: I think he grew up around Urbana.
18:11
SPEAKER_04: Both Elizabeth and and Jeff grew up around Urbana.
18:14
SPEAKER_04: Oh, you know though, wait, wait.
18:16
SPEAKER_04: Well, you were telling me, I I think it's on on your podcast or website or something.
18:20
SPEAKER_04: Elizabeth, you did a film with John Cusack.
18:23
SPEAKER_04: He's he's actually still alive, right?
18:25
SPEAKER_04: Could you help us get him on the show, Elizabeth?
18:27
SPEAKER_00: Uh, I could work on it.
18:29
SPEAKER_00: And by did a film, you're making it sound like I co-starred with him.
18:33
SPEAKER_00: I was an extra in high fidelity behind him holding a Jimi Hendrix album.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: So that was our connection.
18:41
SPEAKER_00: I feel like he didn't even notice I was there, but I can call his people if that will help.
18:45
SPEAKER_04: That was the best part of the movie.
18:47
SPEAKER_04: I'm I'm a big Hendrix fan.
18:48
SPEAKER_04: Which album were you holding?
18:50
SPEAKER_00: Um, the one with Jimmy on it with the head scarf.
18:55
SPEAKER_04: That one.
18:56
SPEAKER_04: Oh, that one, yeah.
18:58
SPEAKER_04: Oh, I I had that one.
19:00
SPEAKER_04: I I had about 18 copies of it.
19:01
SPEAKER_04: They all had different music on them, though, as I remember too.
19:04
SPEAKER_04: But I digress.
19:05
SPEAKER_04: But yeah, maybe.
19:06
SPEAKER_04: Hey, let's let's see if we can get them on.
19:08
SPEAKER_01: And until then, maybe we should just skip down and you know, ask her some other questions because I've got the same list of questions as you, and I guess those aren't appropriate anymore, you know, these rules.
19:19
SPEAKER_01: Can't talk about body.
19:21
SPEAKER_01: Oh well.
19:22
SPEAKER_01: So so let's just talk about maybe a little bit about your family.
19:26
SPEAKER_01: Can I ask if you're married?
19:28
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if that's appropriate too, but are you are you married?
19:32
SPEAKER_04: Jeff, you know, you know I'm married.
19:33
SPEAKER_04: I mean, I've been married for a long time.
19:35
SPEAKER_04: You you know, you've known this for like a few decades here.
19:38
SPEAKER_04: Oh, oh, oh, wait, you're just practicing your interview skills.
19:41
SPEAKER_04: I get it.
19:41
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
19:42
SPEAKER_04: Yes, I'm married.
19:44
SPEAKER_01: Sure, I'll go with that.
19:46
SPEAKER_01: But maybe Elizabeth can answer that.
19:48
SPEAKER_01: I mean, it I think it's a good question, at least, you know, for people who have very low IQs, which I seem to be one of those people.
19:56
SPEAKER_01: So, anyways, what about you, Elizabeth?
19:58
SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's actually a great question.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: So, and it's in the parameters of what I'm comfortable talking about.
20:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm very happily married.
20:05
SPEAKER_00: Sanford is his name.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: We've been married for 25 years together for 27.
20:10
SPEAKER_04: That's good to know.
20:11
SPEAKER_04: And you know, in fact, while you were giving the answer, I actually did a quick lookup of Sanford on Wikipedia.
20:16
SPEAKER_04: And I see that he's running for office.
20:18
SPEAKER_04: That is so cool.
20:20
SPEAKER_04: Can you tell us what he's running for?
20:22
SPEAKER_04: And does he have a pack?
20:23
SPEAKER_04: I mean, Jeff and I, you know, we got pretty deep pockets.
20:26
SPEAKER_04: What that means is when we drop chains down there, we can never get it again, right?
20:30
SPEAKER_04: But we drop big dollars down there, oops, gone.
20:33
SPEAKER_04: But hey, see, what's he running for?
20:36
SPEAKER_00: You know what?
20:36
SPEAKER_00: He's running for Champaign County executive and is primaried.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: So we are looking for deep pockets.
20:43
SPEAKER_00: We're looking for yards to put signs in, and we're looking for people to knock on doors and tell them what a great candidate he is and how he will be an excellent Champaign County executive.
20:53
SPEAKER_01: Very cool.
20:54
SPEAKER_01: And I'm just spitballing here, but that name Sanford, is he somehow?
20:59
SPEAKER_01: I'm just taking a shot here.
21:00
SPEAKER_01: Is he somehow related to or modeled after or named after Fred Sanford from that 70s show, Sanford and Sun?
21:09
SPEAKER_01: I would assume that if you know who Milton Burrow is, you know what Sanford and Sun is.
21:13
SPEAKER_00: You know, you're not the first person to have told me that, but I don't actually think that's a thing.
21:19
SPEAKER_00: It's not true.
21:20
SPEAKER_01: Okay, you're probably right.
21:21
SPEAKER_01: Although Steve and I are strong believers that your name is your destiny.
21:26
SPEAKER_01: Steve, we've we've talked about this many times with our I guess our fake guests.
21:31
SPEAKER_01: So I guess they're not real.
21:32
SPEAKER_01: But for example, so if your last name was Plumber, you would be more likely to be a plumber.
21:39
SPEAKER_01: If you were Elizabeth Plumber, you would more likely be a plumber.
21:43
SPEAKER_01: Is that the case here with you and Samford and Sanford Insun?
21:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, not at all.
21:50
SPEAKER_00: Again, no connection.
21:52
SPEAKER_00: Red Sanford's wife, she was Elizabeth, too.
21:55
SPEAKER_00: Uh huh.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: Almost a coincidence.
21:58
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
21:58
SPEAKER_00: Uh, I mean, my aunt.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Esther doesn't look anything like the Aunt Esther on the show, and a lot of people I grew up with had names that had nothing to do with who they became.
22:08
SPEAKER_04: That is true.
22:09
SPEAKER_04: A lot of people don't, but every once in a while you really you really strike gold with that.
22:14
SPEAKER_04: So let's put it to the test if you don't mind.
22:17
SPEAKER_04: Who are your three best friends in high school?
22:20
SPEAKER_04: And what do they do now for a living?
22:23
SPEAKER_00: Okay, let me think about that.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: I will I will try to humor you or dispel this thought.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: Okay, one of my closest friends was Jack Offman.
22:31
SPEAKER_00: Nothing about his name is connected to a job anyone would do.
22:34
SPEAKER_00: He is a psychologist or a sex therapist.
22:38
SPEAKER_00: I can't.
22:38
SPEAKER_00: We sort of lost touch, not totally sure.
22:41
SPEAKER_04: I bet people can call bars and ask for him, don't they?
22:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: You know what?
22:46
SPEAKER_00: It's weird.
22:46
SPEAKER_00: Every time we were in a bar, yeah, they would get an overhead call from them.
22:50
SPEAKER_01: You get a call from and when it comes to losing touch, yeah, you might want to not be doing a lot of touching with uh Jack.
22:59
SPEAKER_04: But you carry hand sanitizer, you'll be fine.
23:02
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
23:02
SPEAKER_04: And number two.
23:04
SPEAKER_00: No, that's okay.
23:04
SPEAKER_00: Let me think about another friend I had was Steve Jobs.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: Uh, not the famous one.
23:10
SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no, not the famous one.
23:12
SPEAKER_00: I wish.
23:12
SPEAKER_00: Uh he and I still talk though, and he owns an employment agency.
23:17
SPEAKER_00: Obviously, let's see, nothing there.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you he's not living up to his destiny.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: The third friend I had was Sam Kuntzler.
23:26
SPEAKER_00: He is an accountant, so nothing connected to his name.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: But uh, let's see, his wife is a gynecologist.
23:34
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, I think you guys are wrong on that assumption.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: Sorry, none of those live up.
23:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, like Steve said, it hardly ever works.
23:41
SPEAKER_01: But when it does, you know, it's it's amazing, right?
23:45
SPEAKER_01: Again, I don't want to be fixated on how well we're doing, but can I ask how well we're doing and could you give us a grade at this point?
23:54
SPEAKER_00: Are we on a curve or are we just straight up giving you a grade?
23:57
SPEAKER_01: Well, why don't you give us a grade for how we look?
24:01
SPEAKER_01: Like on a scale of one to ten, like one would be like Robert Redford and ten would be Milton Burrow.
24:08
SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, let's I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go five because you have the charm and wit of Milton Burrow, but the looks of Robert Redford, so it evens out at five.
24:19
SPEAKER_01: What about otherwise?
24:20
SPEAKER_00: Uh I would say solid B, because you both have a lot of enthusiasm and you ask some good, unique questions, you're gonna do fine when you have other.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I like that I'm the guinea pig for your real guest, and I'd love to stay a little longer, but Sanford and my son Lamont, they are waiting for me.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: We are going to the junkyard.
24:40
SPEAKER_00: We've got some stuff to drop off in the basement, and I just don't want to put it off anymore just because we're kind of trying to purge here.
24:47
SPEAKER_04: Oh, absolutely.
24:48
SPEAKER_04: We completely understand.
24:49
SPEAKER_04: Elizabeth, it's really been a pleasure having you on the show, Jeff.
24:53
SPEAKER_04: I think she really helped us with our podcast and with our interview skills.
24:57
SPEAKER_04: I think some of those great tips, some of those great pointers and the B plus.
25:01
SPEAKER_04: I mean, I feel better about the B plus already.
25:03
SPEAKER_04: I was a little worried, but oh, B Plus, I'll take it.
25:06
SPEAKER_04: You know, that's pretty good.
25:07
SPEAKER_04: If anyone in the audience wants to check out your show, I understand it's called I Have to Ask with Elizabeth Hess.
25:14
SPEAKER_04: Is that that that's correct, right?
25:16
SPEAKER_04: How can they find you?
25:17
SPEAKER_04: How can they find you with you and your podcast?
25:19
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
25:20
SPEAKER_00: You can find it on Apple Music.
25:22
SPEAKER_00: It's also on Spotify.
25:24
SPEAKER_00: SoundCloud is where I upload it.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: So you can find me on SoundCloud.
25:26
SPEAKER_00: If you just Google I have to ask with Elizabeth Hess, or you put it in Facebook, you'll find me and you'll get a link to the podcasts.
25:33
SPEAKER_01: You know, Steve, this wasn't as hard as I thought it was gonna be.
25:36
SPEAKER_01: Not quite wacky like some of the people we've had on, but a really good interview.
25:41
SPEAKER_01: Elizabeth, I can't thank you enough.
25:43
SPEAKER_01: I know you have to go back to the junkyard.
25:45
SPEAKER_01: So please say hi to your husband Sanford and your son Lamont for us.
25:50
SPEAKER_04: It's so amazing that talking to a real guest is very much like talking to the fake guests.
25:56
SPEAKER_04: You kind of say the same thing.
25:58
SPEAKER_04: Again, Elizabeth, I want to thank you.
25:59
SPEAKER_04: I want to echo Jeff, and thank you so much for coming on to our show.
26:04
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for staying within the parameters and keeping it clean.
26:07
SPEAKER_00: And Lamont's already pulling the car out.
26:10
SPEAKER_00: So I will, we were we're gonna hit up the gas station on the way home.
26:14
SPEAKER_00: He wants to hit it on the way home.
26:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure why, but now I sure do.
26:18
SPEAKER_04: Play seven.
26:19
SPEAKER_04: Don't forget to have your parking validated on the way out.
26:21
SPEAKER_04: That's really important.
26:22
SPEAKER_04: That's actually more than more than the dollar ninety-five that we're paying you.
26:25
SPEAKER_01: So yeah, and say hi to Kat, and tell him to say hi to Kathy, my wife, because she kind of hangs out there now pretty much all the time.
26:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
26:31
SPEAKER_04: We'll do.
26:32
SPEAKER_04: What a fun show.
26:33
SPEAKER_04: And Johnny, get us back to the other time frame.
26:38
SPEAKER_03: Hey, Steve.
26:39
SPEAKER_03: This has been a totally stimulated production in association with Itchy Glitch Media.
26:44
SPEAKER_03: Feet all about Steve and Jeff at their website, step and Jeff.com.
26:51
SPEAKER_03: I know that Steve's mom is real.
26:53
SPEAKER_03: Why just let us know?
26:55
SPEAKER_03: He said I could ask you anything at all.
26:57
SPEAKER_03: And just to laugh, I asked him to explain the text consequences of dissolving an irrevocable product.
27:04
SPEAKER_03: That only gave me a very complete and detailed answer.
27:12
SPEAKER_03: No way I think it could do that.
27:15
SPEAKER_03: Wait, wait, it could.
27:18
SPEAKER_03: Oh.
27:19
SPEAKER_03: Good night.