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From Hidden Obedience to Ordained Ministry: David Brainerd’s Early Calling | Jonathan Edwards · Reformed Thinking

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Welcome to Reformed Thinking. We cut through the noise stack U
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the sources and give you the essential distilled insights
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into history, theology, and the life of faith.
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Today we are opening up one of the most remarkable primary
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sources available from the 18th century.
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It's the diary of David Brainard.
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Right. And we have material that
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focuses on a really a particularly intense 16 month
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stretch of his life. It covers his initial assignment
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to the Indians at Konomic starting in the spring of 1743,
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and it takes us all the way up through his ordination in the
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summer of 1744. And that period, it's just a
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window into a soul on fire, but not, you know, not with easy
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success, but with the searing reality of constant internal
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conflict. So this deep dive is for you,
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the learner who wants to grasp the, I guess, the internal
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geography of a life devoted to striving for genuine holiness.
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We're really going to be dissecting that tension.
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That tension between huge spiritual aspirations and a
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constant, almost clinical self reproach.
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Yeah, and we really have to look beyond just the surface level
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of, say, missionary achievement. Brainerd's diary gives us this
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this surgical examination of how he wrestled with the doctrine of
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indwelling sin, the. Persistence of corruption,
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right? Even when he felt he was doing
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his best work, his experience holds a vital paradox.
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Which is. Well, the pursuit of
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sanctification often seems to be fueled by, rather than inhibited
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by, a crushing sense of his own personal vileness.
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His life in these months is just defined by isolation, by
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physical hardship and an almost unbelievable level of self
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condemnation. He wrote me.
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He routinely wrote that he felt he was too bad had to walk on
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God's earth. So let's unpack this this
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intense spiritual and physical environment, starting right from
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the moment he arrived at his first posting.
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OK, let's. Get into it.
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So Brainerd arrived at his assignment in Konomique on
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Friday, April 1st, 1743. Konomique was about 20 miles
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outside of Stockbridge, MA. And you might expect, you know,
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the start of a new mission to be marked by zeal or some grand
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theological reflection. But that's not what we get.
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The diary begins with a stark physical reality.
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He just states simply that he lodged on a little heap of straw
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and. That immediately sets the tone,
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doesn't it? The physical discomfort is a
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perfect mirror to his immediate spiritual state.
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On that same day he wrote that he was greatly exercised with
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inward trials and distresses. His heart was sunk and he felt
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he had no God to go to. And for Brainerd, these trials
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weren't just, you know, external inconveniences.
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They were an assault on his very spiritual existence, centered on
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that perception of God's absence.
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I think many of us today, you know, being so accustomed to
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comfort, we might hear lodged on a little heap of straw and just
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miss the sheer brutal contrast. The contrast between that
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hardship and the immense intellectual goal he had set for
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himself. Exactly converting souls.
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That contrast is essential for the next 5 days.
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He describes a period of spiritual dejection that went
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way beyond ordinary sadness. He felt God's waves and billows
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rolling over his soul. He's using Psalm 42 language
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there. He is.
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It's the language of being totally overwhelmed by divine
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judgment or displeasure, and he describes the anguish as
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nameless and inconceivable. When you read that, especially
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that nameless and inconceivable part, it really sounds like
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absolute despair. But what's so distinct about
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Brainerd's spiritual architecture is how he
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contextualizes it, right? How he fits it into his
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theology. He doesn't blame God.
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No, he absorbs the full culpability himself.
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Exactly. This is where his training and
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Reformed thinking becomes his whole frame of reference.
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He doesn't question God's justice or, you know, petition
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for relief based on his own merits.
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Instead he says, and I'm quoting here what God designs by all my
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distresses I know not, but this I know I deserve them all and
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thousands more. OK, I want to slow down there.
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Why is that absolute submission to the justice of God so
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critical to a spiritual life? For many people, facing that
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kind of affliction might lead to questioning faith, but for him,
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it seems to solidify it. Well, because in his theology,
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if he didn't deserve them, it would imply one of two things.
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Either God was unjust or his own perception of his sin was too
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mild. So by affirming his total
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culpability. That his sin warrants not just
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these trials, but thousands more.
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He protects the doctrine of divine sovereignty and justice.
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Precisely if he is suffering, it is because he is a Sinner and
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God is acting justly, and that framework paradoxically frees
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him from self pity and forces him to look only to God's mercy,
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which has to operate completely outside of his own merit.
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It's a very, very rigorous way to live, though.
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It means every experience of relief or comfort has to be seen
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as pure grace, since every moment of suffering is just what
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he deserves. It is, and this leads directly
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to a recurring, almost obsessive theme in his early diary
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entries. His intense longing for release,
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for death. Yeah, he wrote on April 7th that
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his soul was weary of my life. I longed for deaths beyond
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measure. He described envying departed
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souls thinking, oh, when will my turn come?
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Must it be years first? That longing?
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It seems less like hope for heaven and more like a desperate
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need for the suffering to just stop.
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It does read his Desperate, but the difference between this and,
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say, simple clinical depression is how Brainerd himself treats
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that desire. He subjects his own spiritual
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aspiration to immediate scrutiny.
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He diagnosis himself. He does.
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He provides a self diagnosis, noting that those ardent desires
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were partly for want of resignation to God.
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And we're tinged with impatience.
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So he catches himself. He won't let his own longing for
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relief masquerade as pure godliness.
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He actually judges the quality of the desire itself.
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And he measures it against the standard of patience and
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meekness. If the desire for death or
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heaven is rooted in a lack of resignation to God's timing,
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then in his view it's a faulty desire.
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It's tinged with sin. This kind of intense,
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instantaneous self correction, it just shows the constant
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warfare he was conducting against his own heart.
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Right. And while all this internal
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chaos is happening, he does start his ministry.
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The sources show the local Indians received him warmly.
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They were seriously attentive to his instructions.
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So you have this small seat of success which is then
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immediately contrasted by an outside source of spiritual
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distress on April 17th. This is a really telling
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episode. He's struggling for grace and
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total isolation, and then he encounters external opposition.
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But not from the indigenous people, no.
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It was the profane Irish and Dutchman who came into the area
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and Brainerd was just intensely distressed by their profane talk
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and their their worldliness. His reaction is incredibly
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strong. He felt this immediate
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differentiating thankfulness. He was thankful that God had
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made me to differ from these men as I knew through grace he had.
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And then comes that shocking realization.
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Oh, I thought, what a hell it would be to live with such men
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to eternity. That thought is often dismissed
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today, as, you know, spiritual elitism.
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But within his theological framework, it's a necessary
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distinction. How so?
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His gratitude isn't rooted in his own moral superiority, it's
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rooted in the distinguishing grace of God.
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They called him out of that common vanity.
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He needs to see that separation to sustain his hope.
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So the thought of hell is literally living with people
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whose hearts are just entirely given over to worldly profane
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talk. Exactly.
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It's a conviction that heaven must be utterly purified of that
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kind of indifference and frivolity.
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It reminds him that his separation is a gift, a
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necessary condition for eternal peace.
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And it confirms his mission, really.
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The profane world is terrifying to him, and it solidifies his
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understanding that the struggle for holiness has to prioritize
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internal purity over external comfort.
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Which leads us directly to his agonizing reflection on the sins
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of his past. Right, So if that first section
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established the crushing realization of his present
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isolation, the next stage of his self examination moves into the
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crushing realization of his past sins.
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This is where that solitude allowed the ghosts of his
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history to really catch up to him.
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On April 8th, he dedicated himself to intense reflection,
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specifically targeting pride, selfishness, bitterness, and
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party spirit. And we need some historical
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context there. When Brainerd references party
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spirit, he is specifically talking about the bitter
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theological battles of the Great Awakening.
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Especially his conflicts at Yale College.
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Brainerd was expelled from Yale in 1742 for some rash comments
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he made during the height of the New Light versus Old Light
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controversy. Can you just explain that
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controversy quickly for the listener?
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What was at stake there? Sure.
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So the new lights. They championed the revival and
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emphasized experiential religion.
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You know, spiritual fervor, immediate assurance.
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The old lights were the traditionalists prioritizing
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order, established liturgy, and they often questioned the
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validity of these intense emotional conversions.
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And Brainerd was an ardent new light.
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Oh, very. And he was known for being
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zealous, maybe you could say overly so, in his condemnation
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of those he thought lacked saving grace.
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So his conscience now in the wilderness is viewing that past
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zeal, that partisan spirit, not as courageous service to God,
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but as profound corruption. Yes, contaminated by pride, he
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realized the vile nature and dreadful consequences of his
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pride. What troubled him most was the
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realization that his self-righteous, divisive zeal
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might have caused others to stumble.
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He felt constrained to pray. O Lord, deliver me from blood
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guiltiness. That phrase blood guiltiness,
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it's not chosen lightly, is it? It's an Old Testament concept.
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It's the guilt of being complicit in spiritual homicide.
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Right. He wasn't just guilty of an
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unkind word, he truly believed his actions had potentially
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harmed the eternal state of others by setting a stumbling
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block through his pride. That weight must have been just
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unbearable. It required him to totally re
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evaluate his priorities, He confessed He had been
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prioritizing that contentious, visible party spirit over vital,
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quieter internal virtues. And he lists the things he had
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neglected, mortification, self denial, resignation under all
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adversities, meekness, love, candor and holiness of heart and
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life. He recognized that zeal without
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genuine heart holiness is just destructive to the body of
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Christ. This intense inward focus
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creates the essential spiritual paradox that really defines his
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life. On April 13th, he was
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overwhelmed by this awareness. He thought he was the meanest,
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vilest, most helpless, guilty, ignorant, benighted creature
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living. Yet immediately after that he
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wrote that he knew what God had done for my soul at the same
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time. And this is the very definition
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of Orthodox humility in a redeemed person.
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Humility isn't denying grace, it's recognizing that the gift
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of justification is utterly undeserved and separate from
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self merit. So the brighter the light of
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God's holiness shines. The more monstrous the remaining
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corruption of the soul appears. He has to retain both assurance
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of salvation and the deep, painful knowledge of remaining
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sin. If he lost either one, he'd fall
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into presumption or despair. Exactly.
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And he refuses to let his actions, even his spiritual
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efforts, diminish that sense of vileness.
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He takes this idea even further on May 10th.
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Right. He says that almost all his past
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actions, even those of them that I performed in those
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conscientious manner, now fill me with shame and confusion.
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This is a deep commentary on the doctrine of indwelling sin, or
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what the confession would term remaining corruption.
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He's saying that even when he felt he had real assistance from
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above and sweet intercourse with heaven, those duties, even his
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best prayers, were still tainted.
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Tainted by lurking sins, pride, selfishness, hypocrisy.
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So how does he reconcile that? I mean, if the best things he
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does are contaminated, what hope does he have of pleasing God?
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Well, it forces him to constantly rely on Christ's
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imputed righteousness alone. This perspective prevents him
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from resting in His performance, in His sanctification, or in His
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duties. He's constantly driven away from
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self justification. Even their justification of
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being a diligent missionary, and he's driven toward the finished
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work of Christ. It's grace as a mechanism.
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This overwhelming internal shame reached a a particularly painful
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climax when he attended the Lord's Supper on May 1st at
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Stockbridge. Right.
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The sacrament, which is meant to be a feast of fellowship and
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assurance, became for him a moment of terrible self
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revelation. He says his soul was filled with
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confusion and the utmost anguish that ever I endured.
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Just because of the view I had of my own heart and the secret
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abominations that lurk there. That must be so profoundly
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disorienting. He's supposed to be viewing
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Christ in the bread and wine, but all he can see is himself.
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And he felt that this vileness was visible to everyone else
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too. His degree of self abasement was
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astonishing. He thought the eyes of all in
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the house were upon me, and I dare not look my one in the
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face, for it verily seemed as if they saw the vileness of my
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heart. He felt the shame was so
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intrinsic that he would have been distressed even if he had
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been banished from the presence of all mankind.
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Yes, because the ultimate spectator was God.
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His shame wasn't interpersonal, it was existential.
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He concluded he was viler and seemingly more brutishly
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ignorant than the most barbarous people on earth.
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And that's him intellectually equating his perceived internal
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corruption, the sins of a converted man, with the total
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moral depravity of someone living completely outside the
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light of the Gospel. That's just how severe his
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standard of holiness was. His distress over his perceived
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spiritual barrenness, you know that he wasn't improving fast
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enough, drove him to a critical theological conclusion.
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About his inability to act purely on August 22nd, he
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recognized his utter inability to procure or work it in myself.
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He stated it very clearly. It is wholly owing to the power
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of God. He was saying he could not add
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to my stature in Grace. 1 cubit. This is the necessary conclusion
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for someone who believes in God's sovereignty over salvation
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and sanctification. If he could improve his own
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grace, he would have something to boast about, and his theology
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prohibits that. So the inability to strive
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perfectly forces him to rely entirely on God's sustaining
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grace. Right.
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And so his spiritual misery becomes a source of relief
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because it keeps him fixed on the right object.
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He experiences A brief moment of that relief on July 25th,
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precisely when he completely abandons the focus on his own
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whole holiness and productivity. He found comfort not in his
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personal state, but in meditating on God's eternity,
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power, and glory. He was comforted to apprehend an
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eternal, infinite, powerful, holy God, even while recognizing
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himself as an unholy creature. This contemplation allowed him
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to praise God for God's perfect attributes separate from his own
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intense performance anxiety. He found rest in the perfection
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of the divine, not the progress of the human.
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The psychological and theological intensity of Brainer
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internal warfare. It just can't be separated from
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the brutal physical reality of his setting.
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Not at all. So let's talk about the
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practical constraints of his life.
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At Konomi on May 18th, he detailed his circumstances.
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He was living in the most lonesome wilderness, a place
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where, you know, genuine English conversation was nearly
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impossible. Most of the talk he encountered
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was either Highland Scotch or Indian.
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He says he had but one single person to converse with that can
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speak English. And his physical situation was
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dire, he notes. I live poorly with regard to the
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comforts of life. Most of my diet consists of
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boiled corn hasty pudding. He's still sleeping on that
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straw bundle. He is physically isolated,
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underfed and he's facing external opposition from local
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Dutch settlers. Right, who threatened to drive
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the Indians off and who hate me because I come to preach to.
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Them. It's a remarkable stack of
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hardships, but here is the critical distinction he makes
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he. Explicitly identifies his
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greatest difficulty, the one that made all the physical
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hardships so grievous. That God hides his face for me.
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Exactly. All the loneliness and the
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threat of violence meant little compared to the felt absence of
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God. And that just shows the
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hierarchy of his concerns, doesn't it?
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Physical danger is bearable. Spiritual isolation is
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paralyzing. And the solution he finds for
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both the external noise and the internal distraction is
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self-imposed physical and spiritual seclusion.
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This is where his great labor of building a physical sanctuary
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comes into play. Between May and July he built a
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little Hut, largely with his own hands, and when he moved in on
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July 30th he immediately found it much better spending the time
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alone than in the wigwam. This wasn't building a luxury
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retreat, this was building a spiritual engine room.
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What was the purpose of this retirement?
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It wasn't for leisure or even structured academic study.
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He blessed God for a place where he could lay aside all studies
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and spend time in lifting up his soul to God for spiritual
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blessings. He.
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Needed a place free from noise and disturbance.
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Right, so he could maintain constant spiritual attention and
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devotion. The Hut was an aid to his
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spiritual ambition. This dedication to structure,
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which was born out of necessity, led him to a crucial conviction
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regarding spiritual discipline, which he wrote down on August
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4th. And this is one of the most
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quotable passages on the reformed understanding of the
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means of grace. He concludes that a seasonable,
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steady performance of secret duties in their proper hours and
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a careful improvement of all time are excellent means of
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spiritual peace and boldness before God.
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He connected diligent time improvement to an imitation of
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God in Christ Jesus. OK, but wait, if he already
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believes that his best efforts are contaminated by corrupt
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mixtures and that sanctification is wholly owing to the power of
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God, why does he play such a high value on strict time
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management and duty performance? Doesn't that risk self
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righteousness? Well, it's a subtle but vital
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distinction in Reformed thought. The diligent performance of
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duties, the means of grace is not the basis for his
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justification, but it is the evidence and the path of
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sanctification. OK.
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He stresses that while crisis is ultimate peace, a good
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conscience void of offense is an excellent preparation for
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approaching God. It provides what he calls a holy
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confidence arising from the testimony of a good conscience.
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So the obedience verifies the inner working of the Spirit.
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Exactly. It gives him assurance through
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the observation of obedience, showing that the grace he
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received is real and producing fruit.
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The diligence in using the means you know, prayer, study, time
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management. It generates confidence because
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it verifies the inner working of the spirit.
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This practice of duty steadies the soul and prevents the kind
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of chaotic despair he felt back in April when God hit his face.
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This discipline was his armor. And part of this discipline was
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regular fasting, the sources note.
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He dedicated entire days to seeking grace April 20th,
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November 3rd, and January 6th. And this wasn't just skipping a
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meal, it was dedicating the entire span of time to
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intercession and study. The November 3rd fast seems to
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have provided A profound moment of spiritual refreshment for
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him. It really did.
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He spent the day reading the biblical narratives of zealous
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believers, Elijah, Moses, Abraham, and seeing their faith,
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their zeal, their intimate experience with the living God.
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His soul just cried out. Where is the Lord God of Elijah?
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Yeah, it's fascinating. He drew strength not from
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abstract theological concepts, but from the historical
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narrative of God's faithfulness. It revived his hope of
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usefulness despite his vileness. Because the vision of God was
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clear, God is the same that he was in the days of Elijah.
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He also read the stories of Abraham's pilgrimage and
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Joseph's sufferings, drawing strengths from those examples of
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patients. The narrative confirms the
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possibility of perseverance. His final major fast in this
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period, January 6th, was defined by this intense longing for the
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washing away of sin. It solidified his resolutions
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for mortification, continual watchfulness, self denial.
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He recognized time as a moment and life as a vapor.
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He noted that when he gave himself over to these duties, he
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was loathed to cease, often continuing till midnight.
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And he was grieved only that he couldn't maintain the devotion
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all night. The only true relief he found
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was the expectation that heaven is a place of continual and
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incessant devotion. The intense discipline itself
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brought him clarity, fervor, and a foretaste of the spiritual
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productivity he craved. The trials Brainerd faced were
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not purely environmental or spiritual.
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They were tied directly back to the public consequences of his
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past actions. Especially that party spirit we
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talked about earlier. Right.
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So in September 1743, he made a major attempt to reconcile with
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the authorities at Yale College. And this was hugely
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consequential. Reconciliation meant recovering
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his degree and possibly securing a more stable ministerial
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platform. He had to reflect deeply on and
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confess the details of his past misguided zeal at college.
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The written confession, It's dated September 15th and it
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details his rash comment about Tudor Whittlesey.
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That he did not believe he had any more grace than the chair I
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then leaned upon. That is a brutal thing to put
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into writing and submit to a governing body.
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It was a severe public humiliation.
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He admitted he had no right to make such a comment about a
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superior, confessing his behavior did not become a
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Christian. He was willing to own the fault
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publicly, even though the original words were spoken in
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private and were, as he put it, extorted from my.
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Friend, meaning they were pulled out of him and then use against
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him. And he was willing to cheerfully
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forgo and give up what he verily believed was his right for the
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sake of peace. What does that willingness to
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sacrifice his perceived right say about the spiritual growth
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he had experienced in the wilderness?
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It demonstrates that his mortification of pride was
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sincere. His soul was so transformed that
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he was willing to confess his single fault, even if the other
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party justified all their own injuries against him.
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He was truly willing to lie low and be a base before God and man
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for it. The bitter partisan spirit that
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drove his expulsion had been replaced by a fierce hunger for
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reconciliation and peace. That spirit of resignation was
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tested immediately. On September 14th, right around
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the time he submitted his confession, he was formally
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denied his degree. Right.
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And despite having feared and dreaded that outcome for months,
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God enabled him to receive the news with calmness and
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resignation. He just said the will of the
22:08
Lord be done. His surrender was complete.
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His comfort was no longer tied to external reputation or
22:14
institutional approval. And this resignation wasn't just
22:17
for academic disappointment. It covered physical peril.
22:20
On October 16th, he received sudden news of a potential
22:23
rupture with France. Which meant the French Allied
22:26
Indians might attack Cainavic. His immediate reaction was
22:29
remarkable. His heart seemed fixed on God,
22:32
and this news only reinforced his lesson that I must not
22:35
please myself with any of the comforts of life which I had
22:37
been preparing. So even the little hot he built
22:40
his basic security were held with an open hand, resigned
22:44
entirely to Providence. This resignation marks a
22:47
transition in his inner life, I think, a shift from the self
22:50
focus of introspection to a global external concern for
22:54
God's glory. That's a great point.
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On August 23rd we see him wrestling with God, not just for
23:00
the conversion of individual souls, but for Christ's Kingdom
23:03
that it might appear in the world that God might be known to
23:06
be God in the whole earth. That transition from What must I
23:09
do to be holy, to let God be known throughout the earth, is
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the hallmark of maturing faith, isn't it?
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It is, he declares, an the torrents of a party in religion,
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and he prays, let the truth of God appear wherever it is, and
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God have the glory forever. His past bitterness is now seen
23:26
as counterproductive to the larger global reign of Christ.
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And this expanse of love translated even to those he had
23:32
reason to think were his personal enemies.
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By March 2nd, 1744, he was praying for them.
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With the most soft and tender affection, he explicitly longed
23:42
to meet them in heaven, requiring no confession from
23:44
them for reconciliation. This extreme sweetness of
23:47
disposition is the observable external fruit of the internal
23:51
mortification of the previous year.
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He describes this state of soul as an emblem of heaven itself.
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To love the world with kindness, forgiveness, and benevolence.
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To feel sedate, mild and meek, and be void of all evil
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surmisings. The man who once thought his
24:05
collegiate enemies lacked grace now wants only to embrace them
24:08
without condition. It's an amazing change.
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This intense period of seclusion and spiritual growth in Kanumiq
24:14
was about to end. In May 1744, he received a new
24:18
Commission to preach. And he set out for the Delaware
24:21
River in Pennsylvania. This was a serious physical
24:24
trial. He traveled about 100 miles
24:27
through a desolate and hideous country, all while he was
24:30
physically weak and ill. And the initial discouragement
24:33
at the new post? It mirrored his first arrival,
24:36
didn't it? It did.
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On May 13th he woke up to a very melancholy morning.
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No Sabbath, quiet children at play, no interpreter.
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The Indians were scattered. But there's a huge difference in
24:48
his reaction. Now a.
24:49
Huge difference. He writes that despite the
24:52
initial discouragement, he never entertained any thought of
24:54
quitting his business among the Indians.
24:57
He was now sustained by the spiritual strength gained
24:59
through perseverance. Supported by the comfort that
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death would air long set me free from these distresses.
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The despair is gone. The resignation remains.
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And his final steps in this period were toward full
25:11
ordination. On June 11th and 12th, the
25:13
Presbyterian met at Newark, NJ. He preached his probation
25:16
sermon. And underwent an intensive
25:18
examination concerning his experimental acquaintance with
25:21
Christianity. The weight of the ministerial
25:23
calling was immense. He was so burdened that he
25:26
couldn't sleep, even though he was very weary.
25:29
He was affected with a sense of the important trust committed to
25:32
me. He felt the calling required a
25:34
level of holiness and accountability far beyond his
25:37
own ability to sustain. And his dedication at ordination
25:40
was simple and absolute. He gave himself up to God to be
25:45
for him, not for another. Which is really the culmination
25:48
of that year long internal battle against the self.
25:51
A complete surrender of the will, the ambition and the pride
25:55
that had once dominated his collegiate life.
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Yes. So when we look back over the 16
26:00
months of Brainerd's life, I mean from sleeping on a heap of
26:03
straw and agonizing over his own pollution to finding spiritual
26:06
peace and a fierce global love for God's glory through rigorous
26:10
spiritual disciplines. It is a brutal but profoundly
26:14
instructive narrative. It is Brainerd's experience
26:17
demonstrates that sanctification often occurs not despite
26:20
internal conflict and affliction, but through it.
26:23
His constant wrestling led to a vital deadness to the world.
26:26
He writes that he was dead to the desire of reputation and
26:29
greatness on January 23rd. Right, and that he saw all
26:33
earthly enjoyments, his empty bubbles, and found his greatest
26:36
satisfaction and being completely resigned to God's
26:38
will, whether that meant life or death, Yale degree or expulsion.
26:42
The ultimate success of his spiritual regimen was its
26:45
visible effect on his life and priorities, specifically his
26:49
possessions. Which brings us to a surprising
26:51
detail that kind of pulls all these threads together.
26:53
On January 1st, 1744, he reflected on the previous year
26:58
and noted that despite his immense hardship, his poor diet
27:02
and constant travel. He had managed to give about 100
27:04
lbs New England money to charitable uses in about 15
27:07
months. That financial sacrifice, given
27:10
that he lived mostly on Hasty Pudding and straw, is just
27:13
staggering. It really is.
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It provides concrete, quantifiable evidence of his
27:17
detachment from the world and his sincere resolution to live
27:20
for God's glory alone. The man who felt he was the
27:23
vilest creature living was, by God's sustaining grace,
27:27
producing this astonishing fruit of self denial and liberality.
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We see the intensity of a man who measured every waking moment
27:34
by its spiritual productivity, he wrote.
27:37
Nothing lies heavier upon me than the misimprovement of time.
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His greatest distress often came not from a hostile world, but
27:44
from guilty indolence. So for you, the listener who
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desires to cultivate this kind of devotion in your own life,
27:50
the question is not if you budget your time, but for whom
27:53
you are calculating the minutes. Is it for the world or for the
27:56
Kingdom that truly endures?