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When His Drive Fades: The Truth About Men's Midlife Libido · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it safe.
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Well, hello. Today we're going to talk about men's libido. Last time we talked
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about libido for women and how it affects your sex drive and how your hormones
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drive your libido as well as stress, etc.
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But let's talk about men because men are different.
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I think sometimes we think that, you know, people are the same,
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but men are extremely different with their libido.
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What changes in men's libido, midlife, it really does affect men as well.
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So let's talk about something that we whisper about, ladies,
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but we rarely understand it.
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It's like sometimes we say he used to want you consistently,
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and now his libido has decreased.
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Now he's distant. It doesn't mean he's cheating. He might be moody,
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he might be tired, or worse, he's just distracted.
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And then someone says, is it a midlife crisis?
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Is he being selfish? Men are dogs. Men are cheaters.
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That doesn't mean that's what's happening. What we find is that his libido has dropped as well.
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And men have to get on hormones just like women.
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We think that we're affected significantly by hormones, but men,
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as they age, their libido change is based off of hormones.
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Today, we're going to discuss hormones.
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We're also going to discuss psychology for men, something that's not often talked
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about. Then why midlife hits men differently?
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Some men do cheat, and I understand that, and that's a sad state for men and
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their character and their value system, but it does happen.
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We'll discuss a little bit about that, and then we'll talk about how you can
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help your man through his transition, because a lot of men don't want to go see a doctor.
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So we're going to go there today. We're going to talk about it all.
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Let's get started first with the science and psychology of it.
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Men's libido is not just about testosterone.
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It's about the hormone testosterone, but it's also about other hormones.
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And dopamine, so their joy hormone, and their identity. A lot of times men,
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as they age, they feel like they're losing their identity.
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They might have been the sports star. And you'll hear it when men are losing
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their identity because they talk about it.
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Back in the day, I used to do this or I used to do that.
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Now they've gained weight and now they're starting to get gray hair or they're
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starting to get wrinkles. And it can cause a major problem.
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Another problem men have is a performance anxiety. If they've had erectile dysfunction,
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we'll say, in the past, they could have performance anxiety that if they have
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intimacy, if they get intimate with you, that it might not work.
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Performance anxiety is a real thing for men.
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Then the aging anxiety, they realize their bodies are changing as well.
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They realize they're not as in good a shape as they used to be.
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Their back hurts. Their knees hurt. They might snore more.
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They could have sleep apnea. All of these things. They could have high blood
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pressure, high cholesterol. all.
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All of these things impact an aging anxiety in men. Then there's stress as well.
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They could have a lot of career pressure going on.
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In your 40s, 50s, and 60s, it seems to be that you have more career pressure.
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You are making more money, and there's a pressure to make sure that you stay at a certain level.
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That career pressure can affect a man's libido. At the same time,
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there's also mortality awareness.
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They are also aware that they don't have as many years left as they used to.
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So that can also drive a midlife crisis.
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Midlife activates it all, and
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all of it comes impacting a man's ability to perform and their sex drive.
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Men gradually decrease testosterone starting at the age 30, and they don't even realize it.
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There are men that I've run into that at 35, they're already on testosterone.
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Because every year after age 30, a man drops his testosterone by 1% a year.
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Some men already have low testosterone, ladies, even in their 20s.
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They have lower testosterone than they should have, and they start dropping
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1% per year, and they wonder why they're losing muscle mass,
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or they're gaining weight, or their libido is not working, or they even have erectile dysfunction.
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It's all related to their testosterone.
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By age 50, most men have lost 20% or more of their testosterone.
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And so low testosterone can affect your erectile function.
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So if they're having erectile difficulty, If they are not as intimate or desiring
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as much as they used to, it very well may be testosterone.
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They'll also increase body fat and their muscle mass will go down.
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They're going to feel weaker. They're not going to feel as strong as they used to be.
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It can cause a lot of irritability, some depression, and some men try to fake
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through it. I've seen it happen.
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But you can see through it when it's a testosterone thing. And they get brain
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fog and they forget things.
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Now, I know men a lot of times say, I didn't hear you say that or I forgot.
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Well, a lot of that can be linked to low testosterone.
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The brain fog is a real thing, ladies, for men. They're not just being disrespectful.
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It's a real thing. And on top of that, their motivation to do anything goes
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down. They may just want to sit in a chair.
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You see the older man sitting in a chair just not wanting to move.
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Lack of motivation is due to testosterone as well. So normal testosterone ranges
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are 300 to 1000 NG slash DL. If your man is,
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has lower than 300, he can be seriously having a testosterone problem.
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But most symptoms start when men get below 450. So they're going to start seeing
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symptoms when they get below 450. They may get weaker.
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They may get depressed. They may have anxiety.
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So testosterone increases depression in men. And some men even get suicidal.
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This is an important thing to address.
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It can be up to four times as likely due to lack of testosterone for men.
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That's why you're seeing such a higher suicide rate, I think,
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as men are getting older.
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Men are less likely to feel sad. They're not going to say, I feel sad,
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even though they may feel it. Even though they're sad, they'll just put a smiley face on.
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They can say they're tired, they're stressed, they don't care.
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But feeling sad for men, for some reason, there's something in the male character,
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they just don't want to say it. Your dopamine also decreases.
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Testosterone fuels your dopamine. If they don't have desire,
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or they're not taking any risks lately, or they don't want to achieve anything
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or they don't want to pursue you sexually, a lot of it has to do with dopamine, ladies.
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Their happy hormone's just not working because of their testosterone so low.
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As soon as testosterone drops, their dopamine drops. They could come home from
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work and say nothing's wrong and they're happy and they're fine,
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but inside they feel sad.
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Or they feel tired, or they feel a little stressed, and a lot of it's not anything
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to do with you. It's just their testosterone.
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What happens is when you have low dopamine and low testosterone,
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your motivation is going to go down to do anything.
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They're not going to want to get off the couch. They're going to want to sit and watch TV.
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They're going to not want to fix the stuff they were supposed to fix.
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They might even have brain fog and forget what was supposed to be fixed.
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There'll be less excitement in their life, and they're going to reduce their sexual initiation.
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Sometimes women, I will say, in our 50s, our sexual initiation gets stronger and men get less.
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As we discussed in a podcast before, the amount of times you have sex is based
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off the least desiring partner.
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If your partner doesn't desire sex now because his testosterone has dropped,
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you may be like, what the heck is going on? Is he cheating? What's going on?
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It's just because he doesn't feel like it anymore. It can also feel like he stopped trying.
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And it can make you sad and it can mess with your dopamine as well.
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But biologically, his drive system may be down-regulating.
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You know, you see these older men, really older, with these younger women.
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And it's funny because it may
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just be that those younger women don't have as much of a sexual desire.
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Because when you get older, their sexual desire decreases unless they upregulate their hormones.
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Midlife, ladies, it's when 10 to 20% of adults experience a true midlife crisis.
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It happens more in men. I think you see it when they're driving the red Corvette
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or they step out on their wives or they do something stupid.
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Just, and it's part of a midlife crisis. They're more likely to act outwardly,
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whereas women, a lot of times with our midlife crisis, we're like,
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self-reflect, what do we need to do with our businesses?
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How can we do more? How can we become what we wanna be? Whereas men go buy a car.
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Or they cheat, or they quit their job and decide to do something crazy,
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or they date women that were just not typical for them to date.
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Women are more likely to internalize, like reinvent our career,
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go to therapy, work on our health, work on our bodies, whereas men,
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they want to go buy a car. They want to have an affair.
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They want to quit their job. They want to go try to be free to get that oomph
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back that they're missing.
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That oomph is that dopamine hit. They're not feeling it because their testosterone is so low.
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Male identity is often wrapped around and structured around their career success.
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If their career is stagnant, they're not feeling very happy about it.
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If their sexual vitalities, they're not able to perform like they used to,
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they could have a serious need for a midlife crisis.
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Also, they have a physical strength that women, we don't have,
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and when they start to get weaker and they can't lift as much,
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and maybe you're working out and you're lifting more, it can be very intimidating for a man.
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They also like to have the provider role in mind. If they can't provide,
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ladies, and you're now the one providing, it can cause a midlife crisis.
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If they have all four, it's dangerous.
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Midlife disrupts all four. So by 45 to 50, a lot of times men's plateau in their career.
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They're not moving upward. They're just kind of stagnant.
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And there's younger competitive people entering the workforce and maybe even showing them up.
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And then on top of that, their body's starting to change. They're starting to
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get a little bit of a belly, possibly.
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They haven't been working out as much. Their muscles may be going down.
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Men, if you can during this crisis, don't go out and cheat on your wives.
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Go to the gym. Work out any frustration you have about your career or younger
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competitors in the gym because that will help drive your testosterone as well. Go lift weights.
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This will help your sexual vitality as well. And I know that for men at this
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age, it takes longer to recover.
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Don't hit it as hard as you did in football in high school, but go lift some
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weights because it will help with your rectile performance as well because your
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rectile performance might fluctuate.
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Again, why it's so important to have testosterone at this age.
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Also, you may have a midlife crisis just because you look back and you're like,
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wow, my father died at this age or my mother died at this age and I'm this age.
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I don't have many years left. I want to sow my oats. Men go through that, ladies.
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Sometimes children are independent. So men are like, let me branch out because
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mortality becomes real for men.
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They really reflect hard on this because, ladies, remember, women tend to live longer than men.
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We don't get this until our 60s or 70s, whereas men are feeling it in their
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40s and 50s. It may become a real thing.
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They may say, I want to go find a new person because I'd only have a few years
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left. And they want every experience to be exciting.
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A psychologist will call it, it's called status threat plus mortality awareness.
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So maybe their career is going down and they realize they don't have much life left.
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Or their body's changing and they want to sow some oats. That combination can
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trigger what's called the midlife crisis, and it impacts families.
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And you'll see a lot of divorces of men between 40 and 60.
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But let's be careful about this because cheating is a choice.
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If you are a man and you go out and cheat, that's your choice.
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But psychology and therapy could help to avoid that because infidelity rates
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tend to peak for men right around 55 to 60.
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By the time they're 60, they're less and less infidelity.
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Most men are cheating between 40 and 60, and it's due to the midlife crisis
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on top of other issues as well.
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But cheating is a choice, men and ladies, for you as well.
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If you choose to cheat on your partner, that's on you. It's not on your partner.
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Stop the blaming and the deflecting when you cheat. It's just on you.
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The reality is most men, their estimated lifetime for infidelity is about 20%
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of married men and about 13% to 15% of married women.
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Only 20% of married men are going to cheat. Only 13% to 15% of married women are going to cheat.
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When that happens, it can happen more than once, don't get me wrong.
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That's why you say once a cheater, always a cheater. But when 20% of married
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men are cheating, and 13% to 15% of married women are cheating,
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and then they cheat again, that's the person. It doesn't count twice.
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Midlife cheating is often like validation seeking to make sure that you still
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have it, or you still got it. Sometimes men cheat with younger women.
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Sometimes men cheat with older women. They just want to cheat.
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It can be sexual performance reassurance. It can be a dopamine spike for men
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because it's something new.
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Person gone. And men also have a fear of aging again.
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Makes them feel like they're not invisible because if they're having career
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issues, they may not feel visible anymore.
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It can cause an identity panic. When a younger woman shows interest in a man,
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sometimes it's such an ego boost for them.
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It makes them feel powerful. It makes them feel like they have relevance in the world again.
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It is less about sex for men than it is about feeling an ego and being big in their head.
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I think a lot of men, they don't really care about the connection.
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They just want to feel good about themselves.
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Again, that's why I think you see a lot of older men dating really young women.
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It's about their ego boost. It just shows a level of insecurity,
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honestly, in men. It's less about sex.
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It's more about identity restoration. If that's what they need, that's fine.
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But the destruction that men are leaving in their path and the destruction that
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women are leaving is really sad.
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Try to find other ways and other outlets to boost your ego, like going to the
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gym and working out, maybe get a new hobby.
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It's not an excuse to have your ego boosted.
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But it does explain the psychological driver behind what men and women are doing
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when they have affairs during their midlife crisis.
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What happens a lot of times is you lose a partner, too.
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If a man lost a partner or a woman lost a partner, they relied on their partner,
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whether it was through divorce or whether there was a death.
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That partner was a primary emotional support. They could have been their best
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friend. They were also kind of a live-in therapist, if you will,
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and they helped regulate their emotions.
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When you lose that partner, you no longer have that. Now you're on your own.
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Even if a man finds another partner, it's not going to be the same because they
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might have been married for a long time. That regulation is important.
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Men seek out other partners that fulfill that need and sometimes they can find
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it and sometimes they can't.
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Men statistically have fewer close friends than men and women, we rely on each other.
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We rely on each other to help us through tough situations.
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Men don't have that. If they do have relationships, if a relationship declines
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or in, a man experiences higher depression rates, higher chance of suicide, and substance abuse.
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You'll see it in men that are becoming alcoholics, or you go to a bar and it's
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filled with middle-aged to 50, 60s, and 70-year-old men because they're drinking it out.
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They're trying to drink their sorrows instead of talking to a friend.
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Men over 50 have one of the highest suicide rates of any demographic group. It's really sad.
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A lot of it is due to their actions and their choices.
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It's not because they're weak. It's because many men were never taught how to
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regulate their emotions, how to discuss their emotions with someone.
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Then they lose their partner and they don't know how to work it out.
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I'm hoping that today we can work on helping our men so they don't go through some of this.
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Let's move on to some solutions. One of the things you can do,
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ladies and gentlemen, is things you can do like encourage hormone testing.
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I noticed that a lot of men are adverse to going to see a doctor and they don't want to get tested.
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Sometimes, ladies, you're going to have to set the appointment for them just
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to tell you the truth because they won't even schedule it.
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One of the things you can say is I've noticed you seem more tired and less yourself lately.
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Would you be open to checking your hormones? Some people say testosterone.
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I recommend overall hormones and your overall labs because I want you to feel
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stronger and feel good about yourself.
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That's a nice way to say it in a supportive way instead of attacking them saying
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sex is just terrible or something like that.
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Make it about their strength, not their dysfunction.
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The following labs are the ones you should be. You should be checking out all
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of these labs whenever you go for your testosterone test. So check out your total testosterone.
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And ladies, you can do this too. your free testosterone, your SHBG,
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your estradiol, because that's like an estrogen test so that you know.
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If the man's becoming more estrogen-dominant, thyroid, vitamin D,
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their lipids, that's going to tell if they have high cholesterol,
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and their fasting glucose to see if they might be type 2 diabetic.
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And some people just are low on vitamin D. That's a common thing as well,
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especially if they have SAD, which is seasonal-adjusted depression.
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During the wintertime, they may not have enough vitamin D.
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Low testosterone, when it's treated and medically appropriate,
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you can boost your libido. And your man may come back to the mood he was in
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before and happier and more joyful and playful.
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And his muscle mass will increase, which will help with his metabolic health
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and his metabolic strength. He will be stronger and feel more like himself.
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Testosterone really does affect a lot of things for men, even more so than women.
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It affects us as well, but we have a whole slew of cocktail of hormones we have to keep in balance.
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And once his testosterone is more in balance, his ego will feel better,
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and he won't be looking out there at other things to satisfy his lack of ego or his lack of security.
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And erectile difficulty, although it does increase with age,
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the testosterone will greatly help this.
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Because by age 40, 40% of men have had some degree of erectile dysfunction where
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they were hot and heavy and it just didn't work.
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And by age 70, 70% are having difficulty with erectile function.
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But it still works. So you can still make it work at the age of 70 men.
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You don't have to always go for Viagra, because we're talking about keeping
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desire going. And testosterone helps with that.
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Really, honestly, once you go on testosterone, you're going to be on testosterone
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for the rest of your life. Just understand that.
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Most people that are on testosterone are doing a shot once a week or once every
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two weeks, depending on your dosage. Then other people are doing creams and
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it just depends on what your physician prescribes to you.
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But it's not a joke. We shouldn't make jokes about our hormonal function because
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it's extremely important.
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They may be disappointed and withdraw from the conversation,
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but try to encourage them to talk it out because men have difficulty with that.
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You don't have to rush it. You're just trying to be close to them and help them out.
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Because performance anxiety is one of the biggest libido killers in aging men.
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If they have performance anxiety, don't laugh at them. Show support and don't
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show disappointment. Instead, help them restore their function.
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Help them get back on testosterone if they've gone off of it.
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Help them find a way forward for them. Because they're going to need it for mental focus as well.
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A midlife crisis often isn't about a sports car. It's about them not knowing who they are anymore.
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They feel lost. They may have lost their identity. And we go through this too.
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A lot of times we go through this when we get divorced or when our children
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go off to college or when things change in relationships or we lose a spouse.
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Men go through it as well, ladies, so let's give them a little bit of grace,
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but encourage them to go and do strength training three to five times a week.
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A lot of men get into CrossFit because it helps with their testosterone and help them set goals.
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A lot of men need to set new goals and the goals that need to be achievable so they can meet them.
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I do believe a lot in stretch goals, but let's make sure that they can hit the goals.
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Then mentorship can help with other men, other men that may have gone through this.
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There's male coaching out there that can help.
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There's therapists that help men that are going through a transition.
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It is a transition. Even though men don't have menopause, they are now calling
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it menopause because of the testosterone shift and some of the hormonal shifts.
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I think men need to get out there and try new things.
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Try to go on an adventure, go on a fishing trip.
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Having male friends is a good thing as well. Develop a new skill because anything
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new is going to encourage you. So.
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To stay straight and narrow and not cheat on your spouse, but will also help
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with your testosterone.
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Testosterone naturally rises naturally with resistance training.
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You don't have to go and lift a ton of weight, but if you do resistance training,
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you're going to get 15 to 25 percent boost in a week with resistance training.
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But men, you do need to have a purpose because it's part of your drive.
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It helps you feel respected and challenged.
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When you have a purpose, your purpose helps you feel competent in your life.
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But ladies, we need to support their growth without mothering.
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Because they do need to take charge of their lives. They need to take charge of their health.
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Because if you weren't around, what would they be doing? They need to understand
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how to take care of themselves.
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Most likely, they'll live a happier, longer life. So long-term relationships,
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when dopamine gets down, it really dampens the relationship.
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Some of the things you can do that are new together that might help the relationship
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is go out to a nice dinner that's in a new restaurant or go travel.
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Any type of new environments will help with intimacy as well.
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Surprise them with intimacy. Maybe get some lingerie.
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Surprise them by doing some flirty texts or doing a roll shift for something.
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Maybe you could work on the car and they come in and they do the dishes.
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I don't know if that's going to work, but do a roll shift for something.
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Then a lot of times you can help your man by helping him reset on the weekends,
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because it may be that during the week he's just so stressed out, his sex drive is down.
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But on the weekends, he's very encouraged and he's very into you.
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But novelty increases dopamine as well. So that will help dopamine even if their testosterone is down.
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And then sexual interest in both sexes will go up.
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Trying something new helps with sexual intimacy. I would say that emotional
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disconnection, the sooner you nip it in the bud,
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the better. Because you want to feel like your partner has sexual intimacy with
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you, not that you're roommates.
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You may miss that feeling of connection and that feeling of intimacy.
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You need to find out what's making them feel different lately.
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If it's not testosterone, it may be stress affecting their testosterone.
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Or it may be other things, but men often open up when they're not cornered. Be gentle.
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Timing matters too. Don't do it after they just had and erectile dysfunction
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in sex. Don't do it when you're in the middle of a fight.
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Because that's not a good way to address issues with their hormones.
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Because then it feels like you're deflecting.
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Also, don't do it when he's exhausted. If he comes home exhausted,
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it's not a good time to talk about him helping his health. Because he just wants to go to sleep.
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Here's the truth. Midlife doesn't have to destroy your remarriage.
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It doesn't have to destroy your relationship.
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And it doesn't have to destroy you, men. It's just a destabilizing thing that
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happens to your identify.
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Because you built so much of your identity in your 20s and 30s. And now it's shifting.
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Now it's changing. But when your libido drops, it may not mean that your man
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doesn't love you, ladies.
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It doesn't mean he's not attracted to you or that he's cheating.
24:04
It may just mean that he's focused on other things.
24:07
Now it may, because men do cheat, but only about 20%, ladies.
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It's not as rampant as you may think. It could be his hormones.
24:15
It could be that he's lost his purpose. Maybe his kids have gone off to school. His body is changing.
24:20
His mortality is becoming real. And his ego feels very fragile right now.
24:25
Be careful and give him grace when you talk to him.
24:28
Men don't always know what to say. You need to lead him and guide him because
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desire in men is tied to his vitality.
24:35
Guide him through this. His vitality is tied to his identity and his identity
24:39
must evolve or it breaks and cracks into pieces.
24:43
He may not know how to help his identity evolve, but that's where you can come
24:46
in. You can help him with new things. You can help him go to the doctor.
24:50
Offer assistance and a guiding hand, but don't be his mother.
24:53
If this episode resonates, share it with a woman that's navigating the season or share it with a man.
24:59
Because midlife doesn't have to be a crisis with hormonal therapy and the guiding
25:05
of therapists and coaches and your partners.
25:09
It can be a reinvention for men as well. Sometimes the strongest thing you can
25:13
do is understand what's actually happening to your partner.
25:16
So until next time, stay bold, stay wise, stay a diva. Take care and have a wonderful week.
25:39
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