Latest / The You Project / #1697 Speaking 'Ron' - Harps & Tiff

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#1697 Speaking 'Ron' - Harps & Tiff · The You Project

0:01
Speaker 1: Cook, Craig Anthony Halp of you Project Cookie. It's Melbourne
0:04
Speaker 1: Cup day too.
0:07
Speaker 2: I haven't heard a thing of I don't listen to
0:10
Speaker 2: radio or watch TV though, so I don't. I just
0:13
Speaker 2: know it's a day offer everyone and the sounds out
0:15
Speaker 2: it's really busy out there.
0:16
Speaker 1: There's probably not two people in Victoria who give less
0:20
Speaker 1: of a fuck about I'm going to say it a
0:23
Speaker 1: stupid fucking horse race. I feel sorry for the horses.
0:26
Speaker 1: I care about the horses, don't care about the jockeys. Sorry,
0:29
Speaker 1: it's just me, that's all right. I can hate me.
0:32
Speaker 1: I don't care, but it just has no interest for me.
0:34
Speaker 1: Horse racing gambling doesn't mean people shouldn't do it, just
0:38
Speaker 1: doesn't doesn't do it for me. I don't see the
0:40
Speaker 1: I don't see the attraction.
0:42
Speaker 2: I've gone I've gone right right off it. In later years,
0:47
Speaker 2: the idea of what horses go through, and just the
0:50
Speaker 2: industry that is horse racing, and the complete lack of yeah,
0:56
Speaker 2: you have gone right off it. A bit of a hater.
0:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, you know, it just doesn't entrust horses. Yeah,
1:02
Speaker 1: I love animals and I think you know I do.
1:07
Speaker 1: Are any horses putting up their hand to go, Hey,
1:09
Speaker 1: could you fucking bash me with that thing a hundred
1:12
Speaker 1: times while I run two miles And you know, anyway,
1:16
Speaker 1: let's not open that messy door because people are jumping
1:20
Speaker 1: off already. But it is five three on Tuesday afternoon,
1:25
Speaker 1: on the fifth of November twenty twenty four in the
1:29
Speaker 1: thriving metropolis of Melbourne. Got my radio voice back on
1:33
Speaker 1: It's Melbourne Cup Day, TIF cook over there at typ Central. Hey,
1:38
Speaker 1: what did you do today on Melbourne Cup Day? Oh?
1:41
Speaker 2: Feel like I did a bit of everything. You know what,
1:44
Speaker 2: when a day is just jumbled up for me, I
1:47
Speaker 2: get excited more than having a full day off. So
1:51
Speaker 2: normally Tuesdays I have afternoon clients, and today they slid
1:58
Speaker 2: earlier into the day and it was so I got up,
2:03
Speaker 2: I did my strength training early, I got out on
2:06
Speaker 2: the motorbike, I did clients, or I did clients first
2:09
Speaker 2: and the motorbike, then clients podcast and now you and
2:14
Speaker 2: then tonight my coaching group. And it feels like I
2:17
Speaker 2: feel like I'm on a holiday, which is weird, isn't it.
2:20
Speaker 1: It is. It's like I sat outside today in my trees,
2:24
Speaker 1: in my bamboo and it's funny how I just this
2:31
Speaker 1: seems really weird. But maybe it's in my mind. Maybe
2:35
Speaker 1: it's not, but my experience, whether or not it's created
2:38
Speaker 1: by me, or it's created by something external to me,
2:41
Speaker 1: but my experience when I go and I sit out there,
2:44
Speaker 1: and just to give you a picture, everyone, So I
2:46
Speaker 1: live in suburbia, but I live on the main road,
2:49
Speaker 1: and I've got bamboo trees that are I would think
2:55
Speaker 1: about ten to fifteen meters tall, like fucking hall and
3:00
Speaker 1: I've got hundreds and hundreds of them, and it basically
3:04
Speaker 1: forms what doesn't Basically it forms a green kind of
3:07
Speaker 1: border around my house. And when I sit down there
3:10
Speaker 1: at the bottom of those trees, it's like, and I
3:14
Speaker 1: lay back in my chair and I look up, I
3:16
Speaker 1: just see this blue sky enveloped by these green trees,
3:21
Speaker 1: and for me, it feels like a little energetic buffer
3:25
Speaker 1: from the chaos beyond the other side of the green.
3:27
Speaker 1: Because the other side of the green is cars and
3:29
Speaker 1: buses and trucks, fucking motorbikes and cafes and businesses and
3:33
Speaker 1: concrete and bitumen and mayhem. But in that little sanctuary,
3:38
Speaker 1: it's just I don't know, it's just something whether or
3:41
Speaker 1: not that's a byproduct of my thinking or a byproduct
3:44
Speaker 1: of what the trees actually do for me or to me.
3:48
Speaker 1: Either way, I fucking love it.
3:49
Speaker 2: I love it. I was just picturing it and how
3:52
Speaker 2: beautiful it would be on daylight today. But as you
3:55
Speaker 2: were describing it, I was also laughing because I was like,
3:57
Speaker 2: isn't that just a really sneaky, clever, natural way version
4:03
Speaker 2: of my hat that says fuck off? Like it's literally
4:06
Speaker 2: a natural thought to keep everything out.
4:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's funny, Like I don't you know. We've joked
4:14
Speaker 1: many times about your I think you've changed though, since
4:18
Speaker 1: you've got the rock in your bra And you might think,
4:22
Speaker 1: how does he know that? Well, the only reason I
4:23
Speaker 1: know is because she pulls it out of that region.
4:28
Speaker 1: Her rock as her like her zen, kind of her
4:34
Speaker 1: emotional regulation tool.
4:37
Speaker 2: So it often sits on my heart right.
4:40
Speaker 1: Okay, So and she brought that back from India and YadA, YadA, YadA.
4:43
Speaker 1: But for me, because there's a lot of this, there's
4:48
Speaker 1: a lot of coaching, there's a lot of I get,
4:53
Speaker 1: and I'm not at all ungrateful, but I get a
4:55
Speaker 1: lot of stuff happened to me that wouldn't happen to
4:59
Speaker 1: lots of peace people, and I won't like yesterday, So
5:04
Speaker 1: this is very common for me, so yesterday I won't.
5:07
Speaker 1: I won't mention his name because I think he listens
5:10
Speaker 1: to the show and he follows me. Anyway, I was
5:13
Speaker 1: walking down the street. I was one hundred meters from home.
5:16
Speaker 1: I just headed off for a walk and I'm wearing
5:19
Speaker 1: headphones and listening to something and I kind of think
5:23
Speaker 1: I hear my name, and then I see a bloke
5:26
Speaker 1: in a van screaming my name or waving at me
5:29
Speaker 1: and calling my name, and so I take my headphones
5:32
Speaker 1: off and he goes, you're a fucking legend like this,
5:38
Speaker 1: So no one knows who he is. So I'm not
5:40
Speaker 1: throwing anyone under the bus anyway. So I go over
5:44
Speaker 1: and and like, there's a guy who follows my stuff.
5:49
Speaker 1: And he was very complimentary and great dude, and it
5:54
Speaker 1: just it just like you know when you're about to
5:58
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, and I love people and I'm
6:00
Speaker 1: very grateful that people want to connect with me. So
6:03
Speaker 1: there's no you know, resentment in any of this. But
6:06
Speaker 1: you know when you're about to go and do something
6:07
Speaker 1: and then you're like, man, now, I'm not. Now I'm
6:10
Speaker 1: standing at the window of a van talking to a
6:11
Speaker 1: bloke who then very quickly went from you know, you're
6:15
Speaker 1: a fucking legend to quickly telling me about his life
6:19
Speaker 1: and a few things, which is fine, it's completely fine.
6:23
Speaker 1: But then you know, in the moment, you're like, and
6:26
Speaker 1: now I'm doing this. And then that was yesterday. Then
6:31
Speaker 1: the day before, another guy like, literally, this is just
6:35
Speaker 1: that I don't know well, but I know who he
6:37
Speaker 1: is and he knows who I am. And I walked
6:40
Speaker 1: out my side gate and he was he was walking
6:45
Speaker 1: towards my house, just coincidentally or past my house, and
6:50
Speaker 1: he went he yelled out, and I went, yeah, and
6:53
Speaker 1: I kind of, you know, I know him, but not great.
6:56
Speaker 1: And then he's he laughed because he was listening to
7:00
Speaker 1: me while I was walking, and then he said, you know, like,
7:04
Speaker 1: can I talk to you? And then I'm like, yep.
7:07
Speaker 1: So we stood on the corner of fucking whatever and
7:10
Speaker 1: whatever for ten minutes and then do you reckon we
7:12
Speaker 1: could catch up yep. And all of that is good
7:16
Speaker 1: and I love that, but you know, and lots of
7:19
Speaker 1: speaking and lots of coaching, and every time I go
7:21
Speaker 1: to the cafe, which is cool. Lots of people say hello,
7:24
Speaker 1: and not because I'm a big deal. I'm not. But
7:27
Speaker 1: you know, if I'm sitting there by myself every morning,
7:30
Speaker 1: at least one person will just sit opposite me to
7:33
Speaker 1: talk for a minute or two, and ninety percent of
7:36
Speaker 1: the time they want to tell me about something that's
7:37
Speaker 1: going on in their life, and I'm okay with that
7:39
Speaker 1: as well. Sometimes just say low. My long winded point
7:43
Speaker 1: is because I live by myself, and because you can't
7:49
Speaker 1: get to my front door, like I have a property
7:51
Speaker 1: with gates with locks, so you can't, and there's no intercom,
7:54
Speaker 1: there's no buzzer, so you can't even fucking you know,
7:58
Speaker 1: even you couldn't rock up and just unless you know,
8:02
Speaker 1: you're going to scale some much higher than new fence
8:05
Speaker 1: and look like a fucking criminal. So for me, it's
8:09
Speaker 1: like that, I love Okay. Now I'm here, I'm talking
8:13
Speaker 1: to you, I'm connecting with you. I'm investing mental and
8:16
Speaker 1: emotional and physical energy in you, and I'm all about you.
8:21
Speaker 1: And it's like I did a session the other day
8:23
Speaker 1: with a lady who have done two sessions with and
8:25
Speaker 1: we're talking about this, and I said, look from seven
8:28
Speaker 1: o'clock to eight o'clock on this particular day, I said,
8:32
Speaker 1: every second of every minute of this hour is about
8:35
Speaker 1: me serving you. That's literally my job for this hour, right,
8:40
Speaker 1: And that's all good. But you can't do that, yeah,
8:44
Speaker 1: twenty four hours a day, like you have to go
8:47
Speaker 1: like you need your little space, you need your cave,
8:51
Speaker 1: whatever your metaphor, for that happy place or that calm place.
8:55
Speaker 1: You know. I need my cave. I need to be
8:57
Speaker 1: able to get behind the wall. I need to turn
8:59
Speaker 1: the off. I need to not talk. I need to
9:03
Speaker 1: not solve a problem. I need to not answer a question.
9:05
Speaker 1: I need to not think about fucking human behavior or
9:08
Speaker 1: psychology or my PhD or I need you know. And
9:12
Speaker 1: it's not all the time, but if there's not that
9:15
Speaker 1: swing of the pendulum, you know, we're going to end
9:18
Speaker 1: up being a five out of ten version of ourselves.
9:23
Speaker 1: Well not only ourselves but everyone. I think, so that
9:27
Speaker 1: self awareness around how can I regulate and how can
9:30
Speaker 1: I manage me? And how do I you know, what's
9:33
Speaker 1: what's my I used to call it with my trainers.
9:37
Speaker 1: I used to have this term called your shit threshold,
9:39
Speaker 1: and your shit threshold is essentially how much work can
9:43
Speaker 1: you do? And specifically to my trainers, it was how
9:46
Speaker 1: many training sessions can you do per day before it
9:50
Speaker 1: turns to shit? So if you can only do three
9:53
Speaker 1: great sessions, then I don't want you to do four,
9:58
Speaker 1: right because everyone's paying the same So if they're not
10:01
Speaker 1: getting the same product, well they shouldn't be paying the
10:04
Speaker 1: same dough and they should be getting the same product.
10:06
Speaker 1: So stop at three. If you can do nine, well great,
10:09
Speaker 1: do nine, but don't do ten, you know. So I
10:12
Speaker 1: think that you know, burnout's real, exhaustions real, but understanding
10:19
Speaker 1: having that level of self awareness to know how do
10:22
Speaker 1: I best manage me? What do I need? Because it's
10:26
Speaker 1: great to be a servant, and it's great to have
10:28
Speaker 1: a purpose bigger than you, and it's great to be
10:31
Speaker 1: in that kind of transcendent self mindset, so you are
10:35
Speaker 1: of value and service and all that to others. But
10:40
Speaker 1: at the same time, if you're fucked, will you know
10:43
Speaker 1: good to anyone?
10:44
Speaker 2: Yeah? That's I guess that That lands with how I
10:50
Speaker 2: felt after coming back from that holiday, and it's probably
10:53
Speaker 2: a lot of what I went through as well, just
10:55
Speaker 2: going because every version of me was a service version
10:59
Speaker 2: of me in all the different ways that that is
11:02
Speaker 2: in the gym, out of the gym, online, on a podcast,
11:06
Speaker 2: So a very social filled life with no social focus
11:12
Speaker 2: for me because the version of me was one of
11:15
Speaker 2: these other service versions.
11:17
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, and you figure out. Sorry, But like even
11:22
Speaker 1: with you know, even with podcasts, I guess you go,
11:25
Speaker 1: how many good podcasts can I do? And how many
11:29
Speaker 1: how many presentations can I do, and how many you know.
11:32
Speaker 1: It's like sometimes when I get a gig, which is
11:35
Speaker 1: a whole day, I'm very aware of doing everything that
11:42
Speaker 1: I need leading up to that one day event so
11:46
Speaker 1: that I optimize my chances of being the absolute best
11:53
Speaker 1: version of me from minute one, because being switched on
11:58
Speaker 1: and focused and awesome for ten hours is almost impossible.
12:05
Speaker 2: This is a version of a conversation. I feel like
12:08
Speaker 2: we have a lot with people, but this has a
12:11
Speaker 2: very different flavor where we don't nourish ourselves, like we
12:17
Speaker 2: don't put our own gas mask oxygen mask on first.
12:20
Speaker 2: Hopefully it's not a gas mask.
12:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a little.
12:25
Speaker 2: I think of the mums that we talk to that
12:27
Speaker 2: are burnt out and they're worrying about everybody else, and
12:29
Speaker 2: it's like you're doing it and you're and it's and
12:32
Speaker 2: you can't function at the best if you don't, if
12:35
Speaker 2: you don't have a little bamboo, bloody oasis at Metropolis.
12:40
Speaker 1: Well, selflessness only works to the point where it kills you,
12:43
Speaker 1: or almost kills you. You know, it's like that's it's
12:47
Speaker 1: not kindness, it's self destruction after a while. It's a
12:51
Speaker 1: nice intention, but it's a terrible practice. It's it's nice
12:55
Speaker 1: to be nice, as I always say, but it's not
12:57
Speaker 1: nice to be a doormat. It's not nice to be
13:00
Speaker 1: a people pleaser. You know, you can be kind and
13:04
Speaker 1: a little bit terrifying, and you know all of that
13:08
Speaker 1: kind of how do I look after me so that
13:12
Speaker 1: you know, and even on a physiological level, you know,
13:16
Speaker 1: how do I optimize my physiology my sleep, my food,
13:20
Speaker 1: my energy, my exercise, my posture, my brain health, my
13:26
Speaker 1: all of that. How do I optimize that? So I
13:29
Speaker 1: can be a good leader. I can be a good teacher,
13:33
Speaker 1: I can be a good podcaster, I can be a
13:35
Speaker 1: good student. I could be a great parent. So I'm
13:39
Speaker 1: not a prick to be around because I get up
13:42
Speaker 1: every day and I'm four out of ten because I'm
13:45
Speaker 1: not sleeping well and I'm eating shit, and I'm not
13:47
Speaker 1: looking after my body and making bad decisions, and now
13:50
Speaker 1: my physiology is not good, and my psychology and my
13:55
Speaker 1: emotional system can't be optimal when it's living in a
13:59
Speaker 1: body that suboptimal, you know. And that's that, you know,
14:03
Speaker 1: back to that well worn verbal path of mind, that
14:08
Speaker 1: nothing operates in isolation. It's like mind, body, emotions, one system,
14:13
Speaker 1: not three. And so if you think that your mind
14:16
Speaker 1: doesn't affect your emotions, or your emotions don't affect your mind,
14:20
Speaker 1: or either of those things don't affect your body, you
14:22
Speaker 1: don't understand how the fuck you work. So it's how
14:26
Speaker 1: do I coregulate and co manage all of this stuff
14:29
Speaker 1: that equals me? You know? All right? So I wanted
14:34
Speaker 1: to among other things, well, we didn't we don't really
14:37
Speaker 1: plan with these, but I did want to talk to
14:40
Speaker 1: you about this idea that I thought would be good
14:43
Speaker 1: to just share with our listeners, because I think it's
14:48
Speaker 1: a very relevant Is it a skill? I guess it's
14:53
Speaker 1: a skill or ability, could be a trait could be
14:58
Speaker 1: all of that, And that is our ability to understand
15:05
Speaker 1: how others think, and perhaps more importantly, to understand how
15:12
Speaker 1: they communicate and what kind of communication works with them
15:16
Speaker 1: and for them. And the example that I gave to
15:19
Speaker 1: you before we went live was I said, you know,
15:21
Speaker 1: it's like with my dad, Because my dad is an
15:24
Speaker 1: eighty five year old man who was born in the
15:27
Speaker 1: first year of the Second World War, and he's seen
15:30
Speaker 1: a lot and been through a lot, and he's going
15:32
Speaker 1: through a bit right now and physically, mentally, emotionally, socially,
15:35
Speaker 1: my Dad's not me and I'm not him, and so
15:39
Speaker 1: he sees the world a certain way, and he communicates
15:44
Speaker 1: a certain way and thinks a certain way. And so
15:48
Speaker 1: because I want to have respect and trust and rapport
15:52
Speaker 1: and good communication and good connection with my dad, I
15:56
Speaker 1: need to speak Ron. I need to learn the Ron
15:59
Speaker 1: language right. And if I speak Ron to Mary my mum,
16:04
Speaker 1: it doesn't work. And if I speak Mary to Ron,
16:07
Speaker 1: it doesn't work. And I know how to make Mum
16:10
Speaker 1: feel good, and I know how to make Dad feel good.
16:12
Speaker 1: I know how to alleviate fear for Dad and reduce
16:16
Speaker 1: fear for Mom. If not alleviate, reduce fear for both
16:19
Speaker 1: of them. I know how to build connection quickly with both.
16:22
Speaker 1: And it's not the same way, you know, I know
16:25
Speaker 1: what will make Mum laugh or chuckle will annoy Dad.
16:28
Speaker 1: You know, there's certain language, believe it or not. I
16:31
Speaker 1: can be more what's the word unrefined? I guess around Mum.
16:38
Speaker 1: Mum's cool with it. Dad's not cool with it. Dad's
16:41
Speaker 1: more of a prude than Mum, right, which is cool.
16:44
Speaker 1: So there's certain stuff I would tell Mum that she
16:47
Speaker 1: would laugh at or be fine with, but I would
16:50
Speaker 1: not tell Dad because he would be uncomfortable with that. Right.
16:54
Speaker 1: So all this equals, you know, realizing that you know,
17:00
Speaker 1: the only person that looks through our windows us, the
17:04
Speaker 1: only person that has our absolute, unequivocal, one hundred percent
17:07
Speaker 1: of the time worldviews us. And so if I want
17:10
Speaker 1: to connect with Ron, I need to speak Ron. If
17:12
Speaker 1: I want to connect with you TIV versus Melissa, who
17:16
Speaker 1: also is a probably the most important part of the team.
17:22
Speaker 1: But the way that I would like and nothing even
17:25
Speaker 1: comes to mind. But let's say I had an issue
17:27
Speaker 1: with you, which I don't. But let's say if I
17:30
Speaker 1: had an issue with you, the way that I would
17:32
Speaker 1: go about talking to you about that issue would be
17:35
Speaker 1: different to the way that I would do it with Melissa,
17:38
Speaker 1: Because you guys are different. You have different personalities, you
17:42
Speaker 1: have different ways of communicating, you're you know, you and
17:47
Speaker 1: I are more alike than Melissa and I are alike
17:51
Speaker 1: in the sense that you're more of an extrovert than her,
17:55
Speaker 1: albeit not necessarily innately, but you're more extraverted these days
18:01
Speaker 1: because of what you do, and you and I are
18:05
Speaker 1: you know, probably have that cheekiness about us and all
18:08
Speaker 1: of that stuff that is not really Melissa. So me
18:12
Speaker 1: connecting with her is a matter of me understanding her,
18:15
Speaker 1: as it is with you. And so this this capacity
18:19
Speaker 1: to understand how other people think, which I've shared a
18:22
Speaker 1: lot already, which is called in psychology, it's called theory
18:25
Speaker 1: of mind, and theory of mind essentially speaks to this
18:28
Speaker 1: notion that we have an insight into the reality in
18:32
Speaker 1: the moment, the emotional slash psychological experiential reality of another human.
18:39
Speaker 1: And the reason that's important is because it is the
18:44
Speaker 1: underpinning of connection. So if you've got if you're talking
18:49
Speaker 1: to someone and you have no idea about them or
18:53
Speaker 1: what they think or how they think, or what their
18:55
Speaker 1: story is or what their experience is in the moment,
19:01
Speaker 1: then at the very best you're guessing. You're guessing, which
19:06
Speaker 1: is okay, because you know, even I'm guessing sometimes when
19:10
Speaker 1: I absolutely when the person in front of me is
19:12
Speaker 1: a clean slate to me, like, I've got no idea
19:14
Speaker 1: who I'm talking to. But what I'm trying to do
19:17
Speaker 1: is I'm trying to get data as quick as possible
19:19
Speaker 1: so I can figure the person out a little bit,
19:23
Speaker 1: you know. So I feel like that for you in
19:26
Speaker 1: your job, Like you've got your group tonight. I don't
19:29
Speaker 1: know how many have, doesn't matter, But let's say you've
19:31
Speaker 1: got ten. Then you've got ten personalities, You've got ten
19:34
Speaker 1: different people, You've got ten different expectations, ten reasons for
19:38
Speaker 1: being there. You know, ten people that are interpreting you
19:41
Speaker 1: differently in their own unique way. And then in the
19:44
Speaker 1: middle of that, you've got to talk for two hours
19:47
Speaker 1: or an hour and a half or whatever it is,
19:50
Speaker 1: and with these ten different people who have different reasons
19:53
Speaker 1: for being there and different personalities and different experiences of you.
19:57
Speaker 1: In the middle of that, you've got to think, how
19:59
Speaker 1: the do I create a version of optimal connection with
20:04
Speaker 1: all of them at once? Yeah, because they're all speaking
20:08
Speaker 1: a different language in inverted commerce.
20:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, i feel like I'm in the university of that
20:15
Speaker 2: right now because because I'm doing I'm collaborating, bringing that
20:20
Speaker 2: many people in and talking about the really deep stuff.
20:23
Speaker 2: And what's interesting is how much outside of that space
20:27
Speaker 2: it's changed the way I hear and experience interactions profoundly.
20:36
Speaker 1: That in the moment awareness that like this is you're teaching,
20:41
Speaker 1: but you're learning at the same time. Yeah, And like
20:46
Speaker 1: I am always thinking, how do I like last night,
20:52
Speaker 1: I have this. I was doing my group last night
20:56
Speaker 1: and I wanted to I did. This wasn't a presentation,
21:01
Speaker 1: but the theme of the night was So last night
21:04
Speaker 1: was week nine for my mentoring group, and next week
21:08
Speaker 1: obviously it's the last week, week ten, but the theme
21:11
Speaker 1: of the night was great ideas to build a life
21:14
Speaker 1: on right, and they were just you know, like ask
21:19
Speaker 1: intelligent questions. You know, there's a relationship between the quality
21:23
Speaker 1: of questions, quality of decisions subsequently, quality of action subsequently,
21:28
Speaker 1: and then the quality of outcomes. Like if the starting
21:31
Speaker 1: point is asking a question, then the better the question,
21:35
Speaker 1: the rest is also better, so to speak right then
21:38
Speaker 1: and so on. But one of the things I wanted
21:41
Speaker 1: to talk about, which I haven't spoken about a lot
21:46
Speaker 1: on here at all, not for any reason in particular,
21:53
Speaker 1: like I didn't try to avoid it. But I don't
21:56
Speaker 1: know why this will sound a bit weird, but I
22:00
Speaker 1: not even through working on it, but through I guess,
22:04
Speaker 1: through not consciously working on it, but through subconsciously having
22:08
Speaker 1: these moments of awareness and profound gratitude from experiences that
22:15
Speaker 1: I've had, people that I've met, situations that I've been in,
22:19
Speaker 1: And I spoke about going to South Africa and you know,
22:22
Speaker 1: spending time there years ago. I'm working with babies newborn
22:27
Speaker 1: through to five year olds who were either HIV positive
22:33
Speaker 1: or had full blown AIDS and you know, just that
22:36
Speaker 1: time that I spent there, and there's I could do
22:39
Speaker 1: a whole podcast on what that was like. But among
22:43
Speaker 1: many other insights, one of the insights I realized was,
22:47
Speaker 1: or one of the insights that I had, was that
22:50
Speaker 1: I am profoundly lucky that I was born when I
22:55
Speaker 1: was born, where I was born, to the parents I
22:59
Speaker 1: was born to, and I deserved none of it. I
23:03
Speaker 1: was just fucking lucky, Like I didn't deserve to be
23:07
Speaker 1: born into relative privilege, which I was. You know, we
23:12
Speaker 1: weren't rich by any means in Australian standards. We were
23:16
Speaker 1: fucking probably at bottom of the middle class, right, but
23:21
Speaker 1: compared to many, many, many people in the world. I
23:24
Speaker 1: was born into wealth, you know. And and I was
23:28
Speaker 1: thinking about, how do I talk about living with an
23:32
Speaker 1: attitude of gratitude without sounding naff or cheesy or cliche,
23:39
Speaker 1: because it's kind of cliche. But I thought, I'm just
23:42
Speaker 1: going to share with them some of my gratitude practices.
23:48
Speaker 1: And so can I share them with you now?
23:50
Speaker 2: Yes?
23:51
Speaker 1: Right, because just saying to people like, you know, we're lucky,
23:54
Speaker 1: we should be really grateful, it's like, yeah, yeah, sure
23:58
Speaker 1: we should, but cool, you know. And so I do
24:01
Speaker 1: three I do more things than this, but this is
24:04
Speaker 1: three of the things that I do every time that
24:07
Speaker 1: I get on the phone with my mum. Every time,
24:10
Speaker 1: every time, I'm overwhelmingly grateful because I know that those
24:17
Speaker 1: phone calls are going to stop. I know that there'll
24:21
Speaker 1: be a day where Mary won't pick up the phone
24:25
Speaker 1: and I have no fucking idea how I will cope.
24:30
Speaker 1: But that is not now, and there will come a
24:33
Speaker 1: time when I will probably do anything to have one
24:41
Speaker 1: more phone call, you know. But I can have the
24:44
Speaker 1: phone calls now, and so that whatever it is my
24:47
Speaker 1: higher self, that internal that whatever. I'm just like, I
24:51
Speaker 1: am so lucky that my mum answers the phone. I'm
24:55
Speaker 1: so lucky that I get to spend time with her
24:59
Speaker 1: and my dad. I would say, Dad, but Dad doesn't
25:01
Speaker 1: fucking answer the phone, right, right, right, But you know,
25:06
Speaker 1: and then there's and there's two other things that I do.
25:10
Speaker 1: Every time I come up the stairs at my house.
25:13
Speaker 1: Every time I see I say under my breath or
25:17
Speaker 1: out loud, thank you every time. And the reason I
25:21
Speaker 1: do it is because I can walk upstairs. I know,
25:30
Speaker 1: I know lots of people who either really struggle to
25:33
Speaker 1: walk upstairs, like our friend John Ye for whom it's
25:37
Speaker 1: or he can't walk upstairs. And then you know other
25:45
Speaker 1: friends that I have that quadriplegics or paraplegics that will
25:51
Speaker 1: never you know, like Joel, our friend Joel Sardi who's
25:53
Speaker 1: been on the podcast, who you've spoken with at events.
25:57
Speaker 1: I've spoken with Joel, We love you. You know, he
26:00
Speaker 1: doesn't have the option. And so the thing is that
26:03
Speaker 1: like I can get out of this chair that I'm
26:05
Speaker 1: in when we finish this, I can stand up, Like
26:08
Speaker 1: some people would give Nelli everything they own to be
26:12
Speaker 1: able to just stand up from a chair, and then
26:16
Speaker 1: take three steps and then five steps. Well, I don't
26:20
Speaker 1: even think about it. I just get up, I walk downstairs.
26:23
Speaker 1: I make my dinner. Right And speaking of downstairs, my
26:27
Speaker 1: last gratitude that I use a lot is that I
26:31
Speaker 1: turn on the tap and I say thank you. Because
26:36
Speaker 1: they don't know the exact number, but in terms of taps.
26:39
Speaker 1: But what I do know is that two point two billion.
26:42
Speaker 1: Get your head around that two point two billion people
26:45
Speaker 1: in the world do not have access to clean water.
26:50
Speaker 1: That's over a quarter of the people on the planet.
26:53
Speaker 1: Let alone have a fucking tap where they can just
26:56
Speaker 1: turn it on and I can. You know, it's like
26:59
Speaker 1: right over my head. It is an air conditioner and
27:01
Speaker 1: a heater. I can push a button and in a
27:04
Speaker 1: minute there's going to be cool air coming at me.
27:06
Speaker 1: I can push another button, it's going to be heat.
27:09
Speaker 1: I can walk downstairs. There's a fridge full of food,
27:11
Speaker 1: there's a pantry full of food. I can turn on
27:14
Speaker 1: a tap and there's cold water. I've got my choice
27:18
Speaker 1: of fucking showers in this house. You know, I'm privileged.
27:22
Speaker 1: And then, and I know I've kind of digressed, but
27:27
Speaker 1: I was talking to them about just how different is life.
27:33
Speaker 1: How amazing is the unamazing when you look through that lens,
27:38
Speaker 1: when you go, fucking hell, I can walk, Oh my god,
27:44
Speaker 1: I can walk. I can walk, I can turn on
27:47
Speaker 1: a tap, I can talk to my mum. Fuck, how
27:52
Speaker 1: great are these things? You know? If you said to
27:55
Speaker 1: me a year after my mum's died, you can have
27:59
Speaker 1: six with your mom, or six days with your mom,
28:02
Speaker 1: or you can have your house in Hampton, I'll go, fuck,
28:04
Speaker 1: give me the six days, fuck the house. I'll figure
28:08
Speaker 1: it out. Give me the six days. Right, But I
28:10
Speaker 1: don't need to make that decision now. But I don't
28:13
Speaker 1: have the gratitude, Like, what is that about? Why do
28:16
Speaker 1: we have to wait till shit goes before we realize
28:19
Speaker 1: how fucking amazing what we already have is mind blowing.
28:24
Speaker 1: We have so much shit to be grateful and thankful for,
28:29
Speaker 1: but we look past all the good things to find
28:32
Speaker 1: that one thing that's not up to standard, and that's
28:36
Speaker 1: what we focus on.
28:38
Speaker 2: So when did you start that practice about what was
28:42
Speaker 2: the catalyst?
28:43
Speaker 1: About five or six years ago? I think before COVID,
28:49
Speaker 1: before COVID. Maybe it was around when John got hurt
28:53
Speaker 1: and I remember spending time with him and starting to
28:56
Speaker 1: train him. And I started training John, my friend everyone
28:59
Speaker 1: if you don't know, got blown up in an accident
29:01
Speaker 1: and you know, anyway, but I started training him in
29:05
Speaker 1: a wheelchair. He couldn't walk, he couldn't crawel, he couldn't
29:07
Speaker 1: do anything. And I just remember how hard it was
29:12
Speaker 1: for him to do things that for me, you know,
29:17
Speaker 1: something that for him was a fifteen out of ten,
29:20
Speaker 1: hard for me was a zero, and me feeling guilty.
29:26
Speaker 1: And then I realized guilt didn't serve me, so I
29:28
Speaker 1: switched it to gratitude, and then I just went, you know,
29:33
Speaker 1: and you know you've seen me work with him, and
29:35
Speaker 1: you know how much I love him, and like I
29:38
Speaker 1: have trained him now thousands of times over six years,
29:41
Speaker 1: and my overwhelming feeling towards him is gratitude that I
29:47
Speaker 1: am allowed to work with him, because he has done
29:51
Speaker 1: more for me in terms of gratitude and self awareness
29:56
Speaker 1: and joy and fulfillment and purpose maybe than any other
30:01
Speaker 1: work I've done in the last six years. You know
30:04
Speaker 1: that the work that I've done, and I will say,
30:06
Speaker 1: of course the crab has done with him, where you know,
30:10
Speaker 1: this person that just needed love and encouragement and support
30:13
Speaker 1: and people to believe in him. Now drives to the
30:17
Speaker 1: gym and walks into the gym. He doesn't walk the best,
30:20
Speaker 1: but he walks, and he walks with his sticks and
30:22
Speaker 1: he's a bit fucking wonky. But the wonky walk with
30:27
Speaker 1: the sticks is like an Olympic gold medal, all the
30:31
Speaker 1: gold medals compared to where he was and his prognosis,
30:36
Speaker 1: you know. And so for me, it's like, I truly
30:41
Speaker 1: I take nothing for granted. Well that's not true. I
30:45
Speaker 1: probably do that I'm unaware of. But you know, I'm like,
30:49
Speaker 1: I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for Melissa. I'm grateful
30:53
Speaker 1: that I was, you know, lucky, I was born in
30:56
Speaker 1: the country I was born, and I live in a
30:58
Speaker 1: great area. You know, I'm touch would relatively healthy. You know,
31:04
Speaker 1: there's I always I've said this to Melissa many times.
31:07
Speaker 1: If I complain about my problem, my life punched me
31:11
Speaker 1: in the face because I'm the problem, you know, And
31:13
Speaker 1: you've heard me say that, And so I just think
31:16
Speaker 1: that that and that's that. You know that looking through
31:20
Speaker 1: that gratitude lens is you know, it's it changes our reality. Yeah,
31:27
Speaker 1: you know. So anyway, that was a very long winded
31:30
Speaker 1: explanation of how I like to use metaphor and story
31:34
Speaker 1: to build connection, you know, but like when you open
31:38
Speaker 1: that door and you talk about your experience, like right now,
31:41
Speaker 1: I would think I could be wrong, but some of
31:44
Speaker 1: our audience would go like that affected them more or
31:47
Speaker 1: impacted them more or made them think more than if
31:50
Speaker 1: I just went Hey, research tells us that being grateful
31:54
Speaker 1: is really actually good for your life and for your
31:58
Speaker 1: mental and emotional health. You know. But when you goes so,
32:00
Speaker 1: here's part of my story or here's my insight, here's
32:04
Speaker 1: my experience. You know, as long as you're sharing that,
32:09
Speaker 1: you know, the idea or the concept or the strategy
32:12
Speaker 1: or whateverever it is, but it's in a way that
32:15
Speaker 1: resonates with people. Then, Like we were talking a minute
32:19
Speaker 1: ago about understanding how other people think. So not everyone
32:24
Speaker 1: is like this, but the majority of people connect more
32:29
Speaker 1: with story and humor than they do data, which is
32:35
Speaker 1: why you and I might get on here and talk
32:37
Speaker 1: about just our stories and our journeys and what's going on,
32:40
Speaker 1: and we're not presenting any fucking high level science, but
32:44
Speaker 1: people will stop you or stop me and go fuck.
32:47
Speaker 1: I love that episode, Like it's just it reminded me
32:50
Speaker 1: of this, or it made me feel that, or it
32:52
Speaker 1: brought these things up for me. And I think that's
32:55
Speaker 1: the when you can almost be a fly on the
32:58
Speaker 1: wall in someone's conversation and it's a real conversation. It's
33:02
Speaker 1: not a choreographed here's my question, what's your answer, here's
33:05
Speaker 1: my next question, what's your next answer? For me? That's
33:10
Speaker 1: which suits me because I'm too lazy to plan shit
33:13
Speaker 1: and script shit, so that suits me full disclosure. But
33:18
Speaker 1: you know, I think that's how people connect.
33:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, because we find our version of our story in
33:26
Speaker 2: what and other people's stories. When we shared our story
33:30
Speaker 2: on the mountain, there were five of.
33:32
Speaker 1: Us, and so people who don't know what you're talking about,
33:35
Speaker 1: who haven't listened, when we shared our version of our
33:38
Speaker 1: thing on the mountain, explained to them what you're talking about.
33:40
Speaker 2: So when I went to India on retreat, and on
33:44
Speaker 2: the first night there with the five other participants and
33:48
Speaker 2: the two facilitators, we shared our story and we shared
33:52
Speaker 2: really deep, deeply. Everybody in that room shared more than
33:56
Speaker 2: they ever shared, and not for the purpose of coaching,
33:58
Speaker 2: just for the purpose of connection. And every single one
34:03
Speaker 2: I could have said, you and me are the same,
34:06
Speaker 2: and we're completely different, completely different stories, completely different, but
34:09
Speaker 2: there were parts of each story where I just went
34:11
Speaker 2: you and me we're exactly the same. And it's amazing.
34:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is like we think we're so different, and
34:21
Speaker 1: in some ways we kind of are, but really at
34:25
Speaker 1: our core, we're all just on the path whatever. That
34:28
Speaker 1: might not be the same path, but that's kind of
34:31
Speaker 1: similar path. And yeah, think about what we have in common.
34:35
Speaker 1: Everyone wants to be safe, everyone wants to be happy,
34:39
Speaker 1: everyone wants to be loved, Everyone wants to be seen
34:43
Speaker 1: and connected and valued, and everyone wants a life that
34:47
Speaker 1: has some kind of purpose and reason, you know, And
34:52
Speaker 1: what all of those things look like all the individual
34:55
Speaker 1: will vary, but the motivation or the driver is the same.
35:00
Speaker 1: It's like, put up your hand if you want to
35:03
Speaker 1: be happy, well, fucking who's not putting up the hand,
35:06
Speaker 1: you know, it's just trying to figure out where that.
35:08
Speaker 1: Put up your hand. If you if you don't want
35:10
Speaker 1: to be anxious, all the hands, you know, put up
35:14
Speaker 1: your hand. If you want to be treated well and
35:16
Speaker 1: loved and valued and respected, all the hands you know,
35:20
Speaker 1: of course, And then I think it's just figuring out well,
35:23
Speaker 1: what does that mean for me? Where does that live
35:27
Speaker 1: for me? And what am I currently doing that is
35:30
Speaker 1: at odds with those things? I just put my hands
35:34
Speaker 1: up for or my hand up for, you know. And this,
35:38
Speaker 1: I guess comes back to the chat that I the
35:42
Speaker 1: solo chat that I did three or four weeks ago.
35:46
Speaker 1: I think the episode was called Intentional Living, which is
35:51
Speaker 1: just about, you know, literally designing your life as much
35:56
Speaker 1: as it can be designed. You know, it's like, well,
36:00
Speaker 1: where do you want to work, what do you want
36:01
Speaker 1: to do? What you know? What kind of health state
36:04
Speaker 1: do you want to have? What kind of body do
36:05
Speaker 1: you want to live in? Do you want to do
36:07
Speaker 1: you want to live in the country? Do you want
36:08
Speaker 1: to live in the city? Do you want to Are
36:11
Speaker 1: you a creative? What does that look like? What are
36:13
Speaker 1: you going to do with your creativity? Do you want
36:15
Speaker 1: to optimize your talent? Do you want to waste your talent?
36:17
Speaker 1: Do you want to? And what is optimizing your talent
36:19
Speaker 1: look like? And what's the data telling you now? Like?
36:23
Speaker 1: What what results are you currently producing that are good
36:27
Speaker 1: and fucking terrible and somewhere in between, and you know
36:30
Speaker 1: the terrible ones. Do you want to do something about
36:33
Speaker 1: that how will you do it? What's your plan? What's
36:36
Speaker 1: your accountability? What happens when you're not motivated? You know,
36:40
Speaker 1: all those kind of fundamentals of like it's all well
36:44
Speaker 1: and good to listen to you and me, and it's
36:47
Speaker 1: all well and good to go to self help, whatever's
36:50
Speaker 1: read books and you know, but there comes a point.
36:54
Speaker 1: I've been saying this to my group for nine weeks
36:56
Speaker 1: now that doing a mentoring program with me is not
37:00
Speaker 1: the answer, which sounds of course. The answer is what
37:04
Speaker 1: you do as a result of these sessions. The answer
37:08
Speaker 1: is you. The answer is your work. The answer is
37:11
Speaker 1: your courage, The answer is your choices. The answer is
37:15
Speaker 1: your ability to keep fucking doing what you haven't kept
37:19
Speaker 1: doing up until now, because that like the work is
37:28
Speaker 1: just the work, and listening to a podcast is cool
37:33
Speaker 1: and easy, but the ship we need to do is
37:37
Speaker 1: not always cool or easy.
37:39
Speaker 2: Yeah, listening to a podcast, you get the info and
37:43
Speaker 2: it can land, but then you quickly move on and
37:45
Speaker 2: nothing changes. Or like the the idea of sitting with
37:51
Speaker 2: and pondering the things that then applying them to your life,
37:57
Speaker 2: like listen to what some of the things that is
38:00
Speaker 2: tken about on a podcast and actually going and workshopping
38:04
Speaker 2: it and coming back and having conversations and coming back
38:07
Speaker 2: and doing work around that. Like, I think that there's
38:11
Speaker 2: all the information in the world in podcast yours mine,
38:15
Speaker 2: and people probably far smarter and more evolved than both
38:19
Speaker 2: of us combined.
38:20
Speaker 1: That the information he hate steady on hurtful, hurtful.
38:26
Speaker 2: But I mean, I've gone and listened over my life,
38:29
Speaker 2: gone and listened to a stack of podcasts. But that
38:33
Speaker 2: doesn't make the change happen. It might make you realize things,
38:36
Speaker 2: but until you sit, give yourself some space, have conversations
38:42
Speaker 2: and speak out loud sometimes to somebody, and workshop something,
38:47
Speaker 2: you can't even begin to put it into action.
38:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, what was interesting when you came back from India?
38:54
Speaker 1: You know, it is just that you were energetically and
39:00
Speaker 1: that term much but fuck it, it's the right word.
39:02
Speaker 1: You were energetically different, not pretending to be different. I'll
39:10
Speaker 1: look at me, I'm zen, this is me acting. No,
39:14
Speaker 1: you were actually I'm like, oh, that's impressive, and like,
39:20
Speaker 1: my I don't know if I should say this on
39:22
Speaker 1: a podcast. I'm just going to say it. My question
39:26
Speaker 1: was it wasn't a doubt, but my question was I
39:29
Speaker 1: wonder if she can kind of maintain that, because that's
39:33
Speaker 1: that's a big shift. And I would ask that of
39:35
Speaker 1: myself too. If I went away and I came back
39:38
Speaker 1: and I was like, I'd had a bit of a
39:41
Speaker 1: profound or somewhat profound time, which you did, I think,
39:47
Speaker 1: then the challenge is, yeah, is how do I kind
39:52
Speaker 1: of and of course you're going to have peaks and
39:54
Speaker 1: troughs and you're going to be a human, But how
39:56
Speaker 1: do I kind of maintain this? And then because I'm
40:01
Speaker 1: not sitting on a mountain, I'm not in India, I'm
40:04
Speaker 1: not having those dn ms with those beautiful people. I'm
40:07
Speaker 1: back in the fucking city with the pollution and the
40:11
Speaker 1: traffic and that dickhead in the car next to me
40:14
Speaker 1: who called me a prick because I rode my motorbike
40:17
Speaker 1: between two cars and it I nearly hit his mirror.
40:22
Speaker 2: So I have my own I'm immersed in my own
40:25
Speaker 2: perception of that at the moment, but I would love
40:27
Speaker 2: to know from the outside looking in, what how much
40:32
Speaker 2: of that experience do you see or feel that I've
40:35
Speaker 2: held or maintained over the last month.
40:38
Speaker 1: I think most of it, you know, and I think
40:40
Speaker 1: it's without trying to be too like it's a bit
40:47
Speaker 1: of a juggling act, this kind of this path of
40:52
Speaker 1: whatever we want to call it. But I reckon your journey.
40:54
Speaker 1: And I don't say shit like this much on this show.
40:57
Speaker 1: But I think your biggest I've never even told you this.
41:03
Speaker 1: I'm telling you this for the first time in front
41:05
Speaker 1: of thousands of people. I think your biggest growth in
41:09
Speaker 1: the next year will be spiritual, not psychological, sociological, emotional,
41:13
Speaker 1: or physical. You will probably change in all of those areas,
41:18
Speaker 1: But for me, the spiritual path is, you know, like
41:22
Speaker 1: gratitude is a spiritual practice kindness, having a transcendent experience
41:31
Speaker 1: of life where you've got genuinely a purpose bigger than
41:34
Speaker 1: you and I you know, you know me, I've always
41:37
Speaker 1: been somewhat spiritual, like the spiritual guy who says fucking cunt, right,
41:44
Speaker 1: you know. But it's like at least people know what
41:49
Speaker 1: they're getting, Like I'm not trying to be the Dalai Lama,
41:54
Speaker 1: and yes I am my number one value in life love,
42:01
Speaker 1: but I am also a cunt sometimes I'm not trying
42:05
Speaker 1: to be. But am I ever addicted? Do I ever
42:08
Speaker 1: get trapped in my own bullshit? Or ego. Yes I do.
42:13
Speaker 1: But at least with me, you will know what you're
42:15
Speaker 1: getting because I am not going to pretend i'm something
42:18
Speaker 1: I'm not. Right.
42:20
Speaker 3: When I fuck up, I'll go I fucked up, my fault, right.
42:26
Speaker 3: But back to you, I think that, yeah, I genuinely
42:31
Speaker 3: see like shift in you and that like I think
42:36
Speaker 3: for you, part of the.
42:40
Speaker 1: I don't know that like all right, so this is
42:43
Speaker 1: really what I think, which I don't know if this
42:45
Speaker 1: is the forum. Do you want to know what I
42:47
Speaker 1: really think?
42:48
Speaker 2: Yeah? I do.
42:49
Speaker 1: So. I think I think part of your apprehension around
42:56
Speaker 1: deep connections with humans that's starting to melt away a
43:00
Speaker 1: little bit. And I think that's spiritual growth. I don't
43:03
Speaker 1: think that some shift in psychology or emotion, perhaps emotion
43:08
Speaker 1: a little, but I think it's something deeper than that.
43:13
Speaker 1: And I think that you know, as you and I
43:17
Speaker 1: don't necessarily mean romantic connections. It could be, but just
43:21
Speaker 1: that intimate relationships, those intimate relationships with people, And by
43:26
Speaker 1: intimate I mean close, like I have intimate relationship with
43:30
Speaker 1: my mum. You know, it's just means in this context,
43:35
Speaker 1: I'm talking about close, very familiar, like you would pretty
43:39
Speaker 1: much do anything for those people. So I see that
43:42
Speaker 1: shifting in you. I see less ego in you right
43:47
Speaker 1: where you don't need people's approval as much as you
43:51
Speaker 1: did because and this is probably psychological growth, but you
43:56
Speaker 1: are more comfortable and confidence than you were right when
44:03
Speaker 1: I first met you. You were very unsure, very uncertain,
44:07
Speaker 1: which is like that was quite a long time ago now,
44:10
Speaker 1: but there's been a real shift in all of those things,
44:12
Speaker 1: and you know, it's growth, it's growth, and there of
44:16
Speaker 1: course you know, and you know, and I know that
44:19
Speaker 1: there have been moments where you and I have had
44:22
Speaker 1: a fucking three minute well we've never really even clashed,
44:25
Speaker 1: but we've had a few moments where you've gotten bothered
44:29
Speaker 1: about something or I've gotten bothered about something and there
44:34
Speaker 1: was a brief moment. But there's probably been I don't know,
44:37
Speaker 1: two or three moments in six years, and those moments
44:39
Speaker 1: didn't last very long. But the thing is, you know,
44:44
Speaker 1: we're always going to be working around each other, as
44:48
Speaker 1: in I mean us humans working around each other and always,
44:53
Speaker 1: you know, It's like I did a podcast three or
44:55
Speaker 1: four days ago called I'm wrong, and just that not
45:00
Speaker 1: only the willingness, but the I guess the want to
45:06
Speaker 1: be able to go, oh, I'm wrong, I got that wrong.
45:10
Speaker 1: I did that wrong. I am the problem with this
45:13
Speaker 1: particular thing. I'm not always the problem, but with this
45:16
Speaker 1: I was the problem. And look, I get what you
45:19
Speaker 1: were saying, and that was my fault. I'm sorry. And
45:21
Speaker 1: I think that you know, when you get past and
45:25
Speaker 1: I don't mean you, I mean all of us. But
45:27
Speaker 1: when you get past the need to be right and
45:29
Speaker 1: the need to look good, and the need to win
45:32
Speaker 1: an argument and the need to be seen as smart,
45:38
Speaker 1: that one that is very fucking liberating, because that's a
45:41
Speaker 1: heavy emotional and psychological burden to carry, that you've got
45:44
Speaker 1: to be right all the time and you've got to
45:46
Speaker 1: know all the time. I used to think that. But
45:50
Speaker 1: then also the add on benefit that you don't think
45:54
Speaker 1: will like what you think will happen is once you
45:57
Speaker 1: open this door of vulnerability, you know, people are going
46:01
Speaker 1: to know how fucked in the head you are, and
46:04
Speaker 1: people are just going to vanish in reality. They go,
46:08
Speaker 1: oh my god, thank you. I do that too. I'm
46:13
Speaker 1: a version of you. I'm an overthinker, I'm a self doubter,
46:17
Speaker 1: I'm a self loath I'm a self saboteur. Not all
46:20
Speaker 1: the time, but sometimes, And oh my god, thank you
46:24
Speaker 1: because the bloke who's hosting the podcast or the girl
46:27
Speaker 1: who's hosting the podcast is essentially me in a different role.
46:33
Speaker 1: And that's you know, that's back to coming full circle
46:38
Speaker 1: to where we started. That's how you build connection as well.
46:43
Speaker 2: M I love that. I love that feedback. Twice twice
46:48
Speaker 2: I got goosebumps. And one was when you said spiritual
46:52
Speaker 2: because I don't know why, but I got goosebumps all over.
46:55
Speaker 2: And the second one was when you said, I can't
46:58
Speaker 2: remember what you framed it, but burned. Remember I burned
47:02
Speaker 2: on the mountain with the letting go rich or one
47:04
Speaker 2: of the things I wrote down and burned was the
47:05
Speaker 2: need for everyone else to believe in me. And that's
47:08
Speaker 2: what you mentioned, so that, yeah, I'm.
47:15
Speaker 1: Very aware of my you know, my numerous faults and
47:17
Speaker 1: all of that. That's good to be able to do that,
47:19
Speaker 1: but also it's good to go but you know what, Harps,
47:23
Speaker 1: you're okay, though you're okay. You know, you're not the
47:27
Speaker 1: best person, but you're not a bad person. It's all right,
47:30
Speaker 1: you know. And I think that that being able to
47:34
Speaker 1: and I have found that because there's no there's no
47:37
Speaker 1: bigger critic in the world of me than me. Like
47:41
Speaker 1: I'm very hard on. Like I might do a gig,
47:45
Speaker 1: that I might do a presentation that other somebody might go, well, fuck,
47:49
Speaker 1: that was amazing. That was a nine out of ten.
47:51
Speaker 1: I'm like, nah, that was a six. Here's five things
47:53
Speaker 1: I could have done better. You know, I have that propensity,
47:56
Speaker 1: and I'm trying to deal with that. But I think,
47:59
Speaker 1: you know, just quickly as we wind up that you
48:04
Speaker 1: know that I think when you use the term spiritual,
48:07
Speaker 1: people get confused or scared or freaked out or weirded out.
48:13
Speaker 1: And so you know, oh, here's something I've never told
48:17
Speaker 1: you about. Five years ago or four years ago, I
48:22
Speaker 1: sent a message to ten of my friends. I did
48:25
Speaker 1: this as a little project. And ten of my friends
48:29
Speaker 1: who are either you probably remember this, but they're either
48:34
Speaker 1: pastors in churches or their rabbis, or they are you know,
48:39
Speaker 1: the their Buddhists, or their Muslims or the you know,
48:43
Speaker 1: they are people who are you know it, potentially in
48:48
Speaker 1: a role of leadership in some spiritual and or religious capacity.
48:53
Speaker 1: And I said to them, all of them, can you
48:56
Speaker 1: please write in your words, without doing any research or
48:59
Speaker 1: looking any thing up or repeating anything that you've wrote learned.
49:03
Speaker 1: I don't want you to repeat something that you got
49:06
Speaker 1: trained to say. I want, in your words, in your understanding,
49:11
Speaker 1: to tell me what spirituality is. And every single one
49:17
Speaker 1: of those people said something fucking different, and a lot
49:23
Speaker 1: of them were absolutely miles apart. I'm not saying right wrong,
49:27
Speaker 1: good bad. I'm like, you know what, spirituality is a
49:31
Speaker 1: slippery construct, and it can be mumbo jumbo's kind of bullshitty,
49:36
Speaker 1: I think, And I think some people like to put
49:39
Speaker 1: on the metaphoric caftan and fucking wear the DreamCatcher and
49:42
Speaker 1: put that in the window and fucking clang their symbols
49:45
Speaker 1: so they look like they're whatever you know to me.
49:48
Speaker 1: To me, the more spiritual people act to me, that's ego.
49:53
Speaker 1: To me, that's ego, that's look at me. I want
49:56
Speaker 1: you to think I am like this, Well that's not
49:59
Speaker 1: you know, it's to me to me like real.
50:03
Speaker 4: Like.
50:03
Speaker 1: And again, I'm not advocating anything here. I'm just speaking
50:06
Speaker 1: to my background. But my background is in you know,
50:10
Speaker 1: in Christianity and church, right, I'm not advocating that. I'm
50:14
Speaker 1: just sharing, but I've read the Bible front the back
50:18
Speaker 1: many times, and because there was a time where I
50:20
Speaker 1: was deeply invested, deeply, deeply, right, But you know, even
50:25
Speaker 1: in and there are you know, there's wisdom in the
50:27
Speaker 1: Qur'an and the Talmud and the bugger Vita. I think
50:31
Speaker 1: it's called I fucked that up, but you know what
50:34
Speaker 1: I'm saying, And of course the Old Testament New Testament,
50:37
Speaker 1: and there are a plethora of insights and wisdoms even
50:41
Speaker 1: in the writings of the Stoics, right, But there's a
50:45
Speaker 1: lot of commonality, and that says, you know, keep it
50:53
Speaker 1: under wraps. Like if you're out there beating your chest,
50:57
Speaker 1: you know, that's that's not God, that's not human, that's
51:00
Speaker 1: not kindness, that's ego. That's look at me, I need attention.
51:04
Speaker 1: That's It's like that joke I made. I did a
51:08
Speaker 1: humility workshop on the weekend. Oh how'd you go? Yeah?
51:10
Speaker 1: I was the best. And when I say that, people
51:13
Speaker 1: don't even fucking up. I'm like, that was irony, Right,
51:17
Speaker 1: that's the I did a humility workshop. I crushed it.
51:21
Speaker 1: That's the opposite of yeah, oh okay, you know which
51:24
Speaker 1: kind of it's sad when you've got to explain your
51:26
Speaker 1: own terrible Joe. But you know, one of my favorite
51:30
Speaker 1: scriptures in the in the New Testament, it is essentially
51:34
Speaker 1: this is the paraphrase version, and it depends which translation
51:39
Speaker 1: you read, But if you read King James, which is
51:41
Speaker 1: the there Tho or New King James, which is a
51:43
Speaker 1: modernized version of that, it says, you know, when you
51:46
Speaker 1: give to the poor, don't let your left hand know
51:48
Speaker 1: what your right hand's doing. And so when you do
51:51
Speaker 1: a kindness, it always says, do it in secret. Don't
51:55
Speaker 1: tell anyone, like don't you don't need accolades, you don't
52:00
Speaker 1: need approval, you don't need attention. And I believe, and
52:04
Speaker 1: this is just my belief in terms of the spiritual
52:09
Speaker 1: growth and the spiritual benefit, which is the wrong that's
52:12
Speaker 1: the wrong word, but it's just for this. The moment
52:16
Speaker 1: that you talk about it, you lose it, right, Like,
52:22
Speaker 1: if you're doing good stuff, just do the good stuff.
52:27
Speaker 1: Just do the good stuff. You don't need to tell people.
52:30
Speaker 1: You don't need to whatever. You know, I'm not saying
52:35
Speaker 1: I never mentioned it, but in general terms, because if
52:39
Speaker 1: there is a god or a higher power or a
52:42
Speaker 1: divine or whatever, if there's an intelligence and a love
52:47
Speaker 1: and an energy that's bigger than us. I say, if then,
52:54
Speaker 1: then that's where our reward will come from. That's where
52:58
Speaker 1: that energy that you know, whatever. But even then, but
53:03
Speaker 1: even then, you know, I think it's it's to do
53:07
Speaker 1: that even because we think we're going to get something back. Well,
53:10
Speaker 1: that's not love either. That's transactional. Yeah, like love is
53:15
Speaker 1: not transactional. Love has no expectations. Love doesn't give wanting something.
53:23
Speaker 1: And if you give wanting something in return, that is
53:26
Speaker 1: not love. That is not kindness, that is not service.
53:30
Speaker 1: That is a negotiation of sorts, you know. And now
53:37
Speaker 1: everybody's asleep, and now everybody's like, I'm never listening to
53:40
Speaker 1: this shit again. But there you go. Tif Hey.
53:43
Speaker 2: One of the things when you were talking about the religions,
53:46
Speaker 2: one of the things that I found really beautiful about
53:49
Speaker 2: one of the monuments in India, probably all of them,
53:51
Speaker 2: but one that we were getting shown ag Refort, and
53:55
Speaker 2: in the architecture, in the design, our tour guide pointed
53:59
Speaker 2: out all the different religion symbols were all incorporated in
54:04
Speaker 2: this one place, and wow, and it was so beautiful,
54:07
Speaker 2: all of them. I don't know, like he's talked about heaps.
54:10
Speaker 2: I wouldn't even know where to begin, but more than
54:12
Speaker 2: the Christianity, yes, And you just pointed them all out
54:15
Speaker 2: and it was like, Wow, I didn't think a place
54:18
Speaker 2: like this would exist. That's so beautiful.
54:20
Speaker 1: I love that that convergence of different theologies and philosophies.
54:24
Speaker 1: And you know, for me, that is our spiritual wisdom.
54:27
Speaker 1: Is like you know, you think, just on a human
54:32
Speaker 1: level and on a psychology level, there's twelve major religions
54:36
Speaker 1: in the world, and there's over four thousand minor religions,
54:40
Speaker 1: and right and almost every religion major online, he.
54:47
Speaker 2: Is a religion.
54:48
Speaker 1: No, we're a cult. We're a cult, bro, We're an
54:52
Speaker 1: out loud and proud cult. But there's going to be
54:55
Speaker 1: no routing behind closed doors. There's going to be no
55:00
Speaker 1: ripping off of money. We're a transparent cult. We don't
55:03
Speaker 1: want your money or your loins, so keep it all
55:06
Speaker 1: to yourself, right. We just want we just want love.
55:10
Speaker 1: We just want love and connection. But what I was
55:13
Speaker 1: going to say was who uses loins anyway?
55:16
Speaker 4: But could you stop saying, well it's like generic for
55:22
Speaker 4: all right, Well, I'm just telling people what we don't want,
55:26
Speaker 4: So no one.
55:27
Speaker 1: Gets confused anyway. What I was going to say is
55:33
Speaker 1: all of these religions independently think they are the one. Yeah,
55:39
Speaker 1: I know, there's a lot of other religions, but we're
55:41
Speaker 1: the right one. We're the one with the you know.
55:43
Speaker 1: And again that's that's an interesting thing too, because there's
55:47
Speaker 1: so much you know, thought that goes around that that's
55:52
Speaker 1: a belief system, that's a cult of thought. Like it's
55:55
Speaker 1: when you you know, I grew up in a Catholic
55:59
Speaker 1: church and then I went to a non denominational fundamental
56:03
Speaker 1: born again Christian Church. Now they're both under the banner
56:06
Speaker 1: of Christianity, but you couldn't have two more different two
56:11
Speaker 1: more different cultures or ways of interpreting the Bible. Or
56:17
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, the same text, but oh my goodness
56:20
Speaker 1: in you know, like so in fundamental Christianity, for example,
56:26
Speaker 1: the foundation scripture from the New Testament is John three
56:31
Speaker 1: point sixteen, which says, for God so loved the world
56:33
Speaker 1: that he gave, He's only begotten the Son that whosoever
56:36
Speaker 1: believes in him would not perish but have eternal life. Right,
56:39
Speaker 1: And that gets gently rammed down your throat all the time,
56:42
Speaker 1: which is cool. I never heard that scripture in Mass
56:47
Speaker 1: in Catholic Church, never heard it. And in Catholic Church
56:52
Speaker 1: you are not encouraged to read the Bible. Well we weren't.
56:56
Speaker 1: I never was anyway, that's my experience. You were encouraged
56:59
Speaker 1: to listen to the priest because he knows right and
57:04
Speaker 1: he's God's guy. Right, But then when you go and
57:07
Speaker 1: read the Bible. So now I'm going in, I'm in
57:10
Speaker 1: this other church. Right, it says, well, there's one mediator
57:14
Speaker 1: between God and man, right, or one person, And it
57:17
Speaker 1: doesn't say that's the Catholic priest. It says the actual
57:22
Speaker 1: Bible says there's one mediator between God and man, and
57:25
Speaker 1: that's Jesus Christ. That's in the New Testament. Right, So,
57:28
Speaker 1: like what is funny is and I'm this is not
57:31
Speaker 1: meant to be a religious conversation. This is more about
57:33
Speaker 1: interpretation and psychology and culture and programming. And it's like,
57:39
Speaker 1: wherever you go, they're going to teach you that they're
57:42
Speaker 1: right and the others are wrong. And that's not just
57:45
Speaker 1: in religion. That's in politics, that's in sport, that's in
57:49
Speaker 1: exercise cults, that's in food cults, that's in social cults.
57:54
Speaker 1: That's in amway, that's in you know, multi level marketing
57:58
Speaker 1: across the oild. Well, you know, pa. But like consciousness is,
58:04
Speaker 1: or the beginning of consciousness is one to recognize your
58:07
Speaker 1: own lack of consciousness, but two to be able to
58:10
Speaker 1: extract yourself from a cult of thought that you've been
58:13
Speaker 1: part of and be okay and comfortable with going yeah,
58:18
Speaker 1: I don't agree anymore, or I don't think that, or
58:21
Speaker 1: I've thought for myself and this is what I think now,
58:25
Speaker 1: rather than just adopting someone else's truth or adopting just
58:30
Speaker 1: because of the situation you're in, you know. So anyway,
58:35
Speaker 1: maybe we'll do a whole show on cult cults of
58:38
Speaker 1: thought because that's a thing. Yeah, it's so fucking interesting,
58:42
Speaker 1: Like you think when you grow up in a mind
58:44
Speaker 1: like if you grew up in mom and dad were
58:46
Speaker 1: Buddhists and they were vegans undoubtedly until you were probably
58:53
Speaker 1: eighteen and maybe forever you would be a Buddhist vegan. Right,
58:58
Speaker 1: you're not going to be a ten year old who's no,
59:00
Speaker 1: I'll go on a mass and eating cow while mom
59:02
Speaker 1: and dad meditating at the Buddha Center and having fucking
59:08
Speaker 1: you know, soy and tofu or whatever it is. Right,
59:11
Speaker 1: so you become a byproduct without choosing. You become a
59:15
Speaker 1: version of them unconsciously.
59:17
Speaker 2: I'd love to let's do that, let's pencil that chat
59:20
Speaker 2: in because I would love to unpack that more.
59:23
Speaker 1: Yeah. Cool, all right, at six o'clock, you've got some
59:26
Speaker 1: work to do. Gotta go, bro, all right, see Bro,
59:30
Speaker 1: see everyone, bros and bros of fines