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Episode 1: Meet Our Worst Case Scenario Brains · the Unvarnished Edit

Welcome to the first episode of the Unvarnished Edit, where two friends talk about what it's actually like to live an adversity filled life.
0:08
Be prepared to laugh, possibly cry, and swear along with us.
0:13
Hi.
0:14
Hi, I am Jaelene and I am nervously excited to be here with you today.
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I am probably like a little more than halfway through a lifelong battle with the harshest inner critic, which means I have spent a majority of my life in some form of personal development project made up by myself.
0:33
I am in recovery from drugs and people pleasing and returning home from prison.
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Probably in that order.
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Um, I have four kids.
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I spend a ton of time reading, researching, learning, overthinking.
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Um, they say that your priorities always show up in your bank account and your calendar, which means my priorities are therapy and coffee.
0:58
Ooh, I could really use a coffee right now.
1:01
Hi everyone.
1:02
I'm Angie, and I'm so glad you're here.
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I've spent five decades living several lifetimes, it feels, in one.
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I am a trauma survivor, and I'm in recovery, not just from alcohol and opioids, but what I fondly refer to we'll, just combine it all is recovery from myself.
1:21
Through my work and life experiences, I've learned the hard way of how our history unfortunately leaves its mark on our bodies when I'm not diving deep into the science of adversity and resilience, I'm actively trying to break the cycle as a mom to six four biological and two bonus, and lots of others that have come along the way, right? And a very proud grandma.
1:44
So excited about that.
1:45
So lots of kids around here so it's gonna be a lots of parenting a lot of, because we just can't separate that.
probably the biggest part of my identity, I would say, is parenting.
Yeah.
I think I've tried over the years, not to make it the biggest part of my identity, but, my children don't let me.
2:04
I may have actually set that precedent.
2:08
And so it's kind of like once that precedent is set, it's really difficult to not follow that precedent Our adult kids, like my adult kids get offended.
Like, what do you mean? Yeah.
When you Mm-hmm.
do your own thing or not be as Answer their phone call Mm-hmm.
No, seriously.
My oldest stopped talking to me for two weeks, like it was a couple years ago.
I was in the middle of literally personal crisis and I could not talk on the phone and so I didn't answer his phone call.
Twice.
I texted him saying that I was busy because of course I can't just let a Right.
call go unanswered because then the mom anxiety is like, oh my gosh.
That was probably the last chance that I would've ever had to talk to him because like this big huge thing is gonna happen.
And he didn't talk to me for two weeks because I didn't answer his phone call.
like so illogical.
I wouldn't talk to you, so you won't talk to me.
3:08
Right, talk to, you right.
Yeah.
3:11
But everybody else gets passes for that and he'll full out, full on as well.
3:17
You set the precedent.
yeah, It's kind of like how I told them, like when they were in school, if they would get C'S in a class, I know that they could get, A's in, yeah.
3:26
I'm pretty sure that was that lesson that came back to haunt me as a mother.
Mm-hmm.
I Yeah, that's what I.
at the time when we give advice of how it's gonna circle back to us when we're older.
Yeah.
us to a very high standard.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So should we dive into what we're doing here, why we're doing Yeah.
We thought that maybe in the beginning it would be good to get to know us a little bit, but also understand, or at least try and understand why we're even doing this because there's a million podcasts in the world why, what will ours do for everyone? So we have some questions.
I'm gonna start, I'll ask you a question and then we can both answer and then we'll just kind of go from there.
So, the first one is when we decided, when this came up, I kind of said to you, you know, I'm thinking about doing this, and you said, let's do it together.
And it was like the first time in a really long time that both of us have had like a full body Yes.
Of like, yeah, that, yes, let's do this.
So, why do you wanna do this? Honestly, a lot less scary to do it with somebody else.
There are very, very, very, very few people I trust in this world, and you happen to be one of them.
And so it was like, yeah.
And besides that, you and I can talk for, Forever.
And about all different kinds of things and, I think you and I know a lot, especially in the adversity and the resilience space, and I think the way that we talk about it is really different than the way that most people talk about it.
Yeah.
And so it was like, yeah, let's do this.
And you and I left to our own devices of saying that we're gonna start something ourselves is way less likely to happen Yeah.
than you and I being accountable to each other.
And honestly, I thought it would be something fun instead of all the just heavy to-dos and that kind of stuff that we have.
So that was why it was a yes for me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I love that.
I've been thinking about this for a long time.
I think that there's not enough women who, have voiced some of the things that we're gonna talk about, but I also think, like I listen to so many podcasts and resilience and adversity is a huge topic in all of them, and there's so much to learn from people out there.
But I think that we're hearing so much from people who are really successful and maybe have a lot of resources.
Right.
And that doesn't mean that their adversity.
Is any less relevant than ours, but I wanted to hear more about people who are struggling, still struggling, have to figure out resources.
More so they're less resourced.
And I thought that that would be something really interesting.
I love stories.
I love telling stories.
I love hearing people's stories.
And I think the times that I've learned the most have been from people who have like serious grit and have had to like MacGyver their way out of a situation.
And I think I just have wanted to add more voice to that and to be able to do it with you.
Who feel so safe talking about my past, right? Because you probably know more about me than anyone because we've been through so many of these things at the same time, or in friendship, right? In parallel in friendship.
And so it takes like the anxiety out of talking about some of the really difficult parts of life, right? so, yeah, I think that's why it was just a really big yes for me.
Yeah, yeah.
I love it and I love the, the MacGyvering it way.
'cause yeah, there have been, we've been in all stages Mm-hmm.
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Resourced life financial support system.
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I mean, like, you name it, of where it has been.
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So yeah.
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Okay.
7:20
So the next question we have is, who is this for? Who do we, Who are we, who are we Who's our average listener? We've talked about this.
Definitely probably female heavy, right? Because we're gonna be talking lot about, that unrecognized unpaid labor part of life that typically falls on female shoulders, not exclusively.
Parents, I would love for some young individuals to kind of hear some of the things that we're saying because I feel like when I was younger, especially a really young mom, I didn't have guidance that was actually helpful.
I had a lot of guidance, but it was not but I do see like a lot of women in our stage of life, right? Who are like, yes, this is what it was like for me, and it wasn't Okay.
And giving voice to that too.
\besides what you said, I think anyone who is really struggling with like, this shit is hard.
Yeah.
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Like, life is hard.
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And you don't hear many people who are like, yeah, this is hard.
And I'm sorry.
Like, I feel you.
Like let's sit in it.
Let's talk about how hard it is.
And you know, it's all like yeah, yeah.
You know, like you can do it.
And I want to tell those people like, fuck you.
And for people who really, aren't afraid to kind of hear really uncomfortable hard truths We live in a really hard time right now.
We live in, a very different timeline than we've ever been in before.
Also being comfortable, hearing things about stages of life that maybe you're not in yet, we're in our later stages more commonly referred to as perimenopause and menopause, which never got talked about when we were younger at all.
And now as Gen Xers who have never really been quiet about things are like, what the heck? Like, why isn't this conversation being had? And, so I think there's gonna be some of that.
What does that look like in the terms of kind of what roles we all play as well? Yeah.
And so I think, you know.
For the men who will be listening, no kudos to you.
Right? Like literally kudos to you.
Like my sisters and I just talked yesterday about, you know how one sister, her husband is like, you're the only person in the world that feels like this.
And my other sister, her husband is literally following women who talk about menopause on Instagram so that he can be educated and those instead.
Yeah.
We thank you and we're grateful that you're here.
And honestly, we like the opposite perspective every once in a while.
Not saying all the time, 'cause we're gonna be honest, Yeah.
I don't think my husband ever.
to this.
I don't think I'm gonna let him know where it's at.
10:16
No, I literally just let my husband know what we were doing today because he kept asking questions, and if he hadn't asked questions, it would've just stayed at, I'm recording some things in there.
Yeah.
I love you.
Yeah.
See you and No, I love that.
10:33
I think I would love it if it was like a multi-gene generational perspective.
10:38
Right.
10:39
Love that.
Yeah.
what would success look like? does success in this space look like for you? Honestly, if people can feel seen, would, that would be success for me.
Like if somebody's like, oh.
I'm not, I'm not doing this by myself.
'cause I think like, yeah, like, I mean, you and I have been friends for 22 years and we've always known no matter how, if there's time and space in between things, right? That we could always like catch up.
But we've also felt very alone in a lot of our struggles because it took us a long time to get to the point of really like, no, this is really where I'm at.
Honestly where I'm at.
And I think the natural go-to, especially when we're talking to younger generations, is that you are the only one if you talk about it, people are gonna be like, hmm.
I don't know if I actually understand if I actually feel like, and so I, I feel like for me, having other people feel like they're seen maybe that there's a little bit of hope in that kind space that would be successful for me.
I think I have a couple metrics, like obviously that's primary, what you just said is having anyone say like, oh my gosh, when you said this thing or when I heard this, that really clicked for me because I know I can pinpoint very specific times in my past we're just hearing something on a podcast or in a TED talk or in a book.
Just one phrase has completely flipped my life.
Right? So, I feel almost like a responsibility because I have so many of those little nuggets to be able to share them outward.
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Really am into building community right now.
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I am seeing what's going on in the world and I'm hearing so much about people feeling isolated.
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and I wanna be able to be impactful, against that, right? Where I can at least help some people feel like they have a connection, whether that's in a digital way, in a virtual way, in person, stuff like that.
12:40
I also would love to learn more, right? I'm like a lifelong learner.
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And I think hearing from other people and some guests that we might have and things like that, I would like to learn some stuff.
12:51
I'm also on a very, ridiculous personal quest.
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I'm starting my third full year of EMDR, which has been.
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Incredibly difficult.
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I, in my first session with my therapist, she, we were just kind of getting to know each other.
13:06
And I told her that one of my big concerns that I've heard, I had at the time heard that EMDR was, was very helpful to people who have experienced trauma.
And I was concerned that I would heal so much that I would no longer be funny.
And this was like my, one of my biggest concerns, you.
Gosh, I love you.
I am, to find this is a very serious worry Yeah, yeah, 'cause sense of humor is like a huge part of me.
And, the feedback that I get from so many people in my life is that I'm able to add levity to situations, and just kind of release the tension, right? And what if I can't do that anymore? Like, I'm serious and I when you go through EMDR your personality becomes more basic, like more You come back to your sense of self, I guess, where you ought to be.
And I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm like in the process of, okay, what parts of me are actually me and what parts of me are adaptations to things that have happened in my past, and how do I weave those together and still feel like a transparent, authentic person? And so this is part of like that journey for me.
I hate that word.
This is part of that experience me is how, what avenues and in what ways can I explore myself more? I know you're always gonna be funny.
There you are.
There's naturally a wit about you and Yeah.
Does our adversity and trauma, tend to make us go to the dark side of humor? Abso Fri Laly.
Abso ric Laly.
But yeah, I actually don't have any doubt that you will still remain, Thank you.
still remain funny.
Thank you.
I need that validated.
Oh, I love you.
know.
absolutely do.
up to trauma therapy and my first concern is, is will I still be funny? Not, how am I gonna handle all of this? What's gonna impact me? Right.
no.
Like what? Am am I gonna change? Yeah.
I don't wanna lose this.
Because the trauma made me funny.
What happens next? Who knows, you were probably funny to begin with.
And they were like, Ooh, this is, we know how brain science works, right? That if the path of least resistance is where it's gonna take.
And so you are naturally funny.
And so it was like, oh, now I've also learned that I can use this to cope.
And so we just made the pathway stronger.
yeah, that's true.
That's a good point.
Mm-hmm.
So yeah, You'd have to be serious for a really, really long time in order to reprogram that part of your brain.
That's true.
It is a pretty deep neural pathway at this point.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it is my default response.
15:49
Which is, which is really good transition to the next question, which is, you know, what experiences do we have to speak to, the kind of different topics we have in mind for this project? And, making sure that we acknowledge that both of us.
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Our long, I don't wanna say sufferers, but, We have a From the camp that we have imposter syndrome, right? Like we don't have the credibility to talk about the things that we are, talking about.
Although we have the lived experience of the yang when it comes to not only adversity and trauma, but the resilience and the grit that it takes to get through the adversity and the byproduct, the resilience of being able to make it through and kind of get through that space.
Honestly, for both of us, it goes all the way back, to the beginnings unlike, I think some people who have experienced a lot of childhood trauma, we have also had a lot of it in our adult lives as well.
And so the messaging that we have received is that life is full of adversity.
Right.
And it's hard for us.
We've had conversations, of just how hard it is to feel joy because it's so different and that joy was like a very dangerous feeling to the point that we don't even know how to experience it.
17:18
Like, what is it, what do you mean? Like, what does it even kind of feel? And then besides that, we are, like Jaylene said, just lifelong learners.
17:26
We do this in our workspace, we do this in our personal space.
17:30
We do this in our parenting space.
Yeah.
From, you know, substance use disorder, all kinds of process addictions, DV in some of our past, and then our, you know, kids struggling and experiencing, some of the same, having it in spouses, having it within families.
We just have a lot and you would think, and of course her worry going into therapy is, is she not going to be funny? Like there's plenty of material still.
17:59
I love that.
18:00
Like speaking to like the imposter syndrome and how do I feel about.
18:05
Putting myself out there as like, Hey, I might know something about this.
18:08
That's always hard for me.
18:09
I think I've finally come and maybe part of this is just, reaching middle age, right? I've finally come to feel like, okay, I have like this huge bucket of lived experience of just a ridiculous amount of things that have happened in my life.
And then also this huge amount of professional experience and then sort of like this third category of tons of therapy, tons of reading, tons of listening, tons of learning.
And I think finally all of those things are starting to intersect to a point where I'm like, yeah, you know what? I think I might know a thing or two about how to get through something really tough and some resources or some, self-care or regulation and then when I, when you and I started working together.
a professional sense.
That's where a lot of the brain part comes into it, right? The brain science and the science of adversity and dysregulation.
And I think that that final puzzle piece of like, I know what the solutions were for me, but then that final puzzle piece of like, no, those solutions are actually for everyone.
19:21
And it wasn't just me realizing that if I do these things, my brain feels better.
19:27
So I'm gonna try to live in the, yes, I do know a little bit about what I'm talking about while also staying open to, but I can still learn more about it.
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
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Once I learned, you know, for me, it all started as a kind of personal journey of trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
19:49
Realizing that nothing was wrong with me.
19:51
That, my body was responding exactly how it was absolutely designed to respond, to the stressful situations.
20:00
Understanding the brain science behind it, understanding the science of, you know, how we're set up as a system was so.
I don't wanna say freeing, because that's not really the word, but it was so powerful and impactful to me that it was like, oh, there's legitimate biology behind this.
Like, why doesn't everybody know that as humans, we are literally designed this way.
20:27
Our stress response is this way to keep us safe, to keep us here.
20:32
And I had, learned all that, becoming a polarity practitioner, and, learned, but that was still under that kind of like woowoo some people have of like, oh, you do, you do body work when it comes to energy and trauma.
But my lived experience and the lived experience of so many others that are taking it, was like, no, this, this is real.
And then having the kind of science behind it and being able to really kind of merge like this, these are the facts.
This is literally where it's at.
And it honestly, it's the foundation of absolutely everything that we do.
Like absolutely every response that we have, every reaction that we have, that's all foundational in our stress response system because that's how our brain is designed and, wanting other people to know that as well.
Hundred percent.
It's like that thing I said earlier when I feel like an obligation with everything I've learned and everything, I kind Mm-hmm.
to share that.
Because knowing my brain and my biology better helps me manage myself so much more.
Through the day, through the week, through a problem Mm-hmm.
21:46
it doesn't feel like it upends my life anymore when stress Mm-hmm.
21:51
Whereas up until a couple years ago, stress coming in, first of all was like, duh, no kidding.
21:58
Of course some stress.
21:59
Mm-hmm.
happening Mm-hmm.
But it was also just like the end of my capacity.
Like I couldn't handle, and now I have so much more tolerance for stress and what comes into my life and I'm so much more even keeled when adversity does show up.
And I don't think it's an of course anymore, and I don't think it's because of my life choices anymore.
And I just I had that perspective when I was younger and would love to have, be able to give that to someone else, if that makes sense.
That makes Yeah.
Yeah.
now we'll get into some more personal q and as.
So I'm just gonna pick a random one.
Do you have a motto or saying, or sort of a default mindset that you come to when life gets hard? So honestly, like my friend.
My first thought to this is, oh, do I? And my second thought is for fuck's sake.
Because honestly, that is literally the first thing my brain goes to.
Like when things get hard is just like, and for some rea for what that does for me Mm-hmm.
I like, recognizes it, recognizes that I don't feel too, happy about this, but it is what it is, but the next thing that comes is always that motto for, what it looks like when it gets hard is this too shall pass.
Even though I am in recovery, I did not do the 12 steps.
It was just not my jam.
However, couple of the sayings, like, this too shall pass has been.
A motto like, we will, this too shall pass.
23:36
So it'll be one more thing on the list and possibly the next podcast episode at this point.
Maybe a chapter in a book at some point.
But there is an ending to it.
It's not, it's not forever.
And that always helped.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're right at, haven't talked about this, this is not part of this answer, but you and I are right at, um, the, it's been 10 years, probably almost to the day since you took me to my first meeting.
And I think we were looking for I took you to a meeting.
asked you to because I had to go, was right when my addiction came out.
Everybody found out about my addiction.
And I needed to go to an NA meeting more to satisfy the people in my life than to satisfy myself at the time.
At the time, that's how I felt.
And I don't think we could find an NA meeting.
And so you said, well, let's, and I told you, I said, I've gotta go.
I'm in a lot of trouble here.
can't go by myself.
I'll never go by myself.
And so, I think we ended up at an AA meeting.
On ASU campus.
And I remember that we were in the car driving there and I was so upset.
I mean, I was just, my life was falling apart, like seriously falling apart.
And I just told you, I said, well, I just don't know.
Am I ever gonna feel better? Am I always gonna feel like this? Is everything gonna feel like I feel right now? you were like, no, you were like, shame cannot live in the light.
And what we're doing right now is we're going to a spot where someone's gonna shine a light on it and it's gonna feel terrible, but you're not gonna feel alone anymore.
I think about that all the time.
And so it's been 10 years, that was in January of 2016.
And.
I know right now we're in February of 2026.
And so I think about that a lot, about shame and how it can't exist right when it shared.
that's one thing that I think about a lot.
I think in the same way as you of like thinking you, how your motto kind of leads you to recognizing that there's an end to this.
I always immediately go to like, worst case scenario, huge catastrophe end result.
What's this gonna be? And I have had to learn to just do the next thing.
So that's kind of always been my Yes, do the next right thing.
Keep doing yes.
I'm sure we'll get into this in the future, but when I started to become impacted in a criminal justice way for my past actions and I was going to court and I had just all of these things happening, I remember I was walking to court one day and I knew it was gonna be a really bad hearing.
I knew bad things were coming, for me, and I was with my family and we were walking and dad was really upset.
And, I just said, you know what, we just have to do the next right thing.
Like, let's just go in there and the next right thing is just show up.
Take what's handed to me and just don't look too far ahead.
And so that's kind of always how I've had to scale it down for myself because I immediately go to end of the world, right? I go to the Mm-hmm.
and I go to the worst possible conclusion.
But sticking with like the next right thing has really helped me a lot.
Yeah.
Same, like breaking it all the way down of like, I only have control over this moment in time right here, and I don't even have control of the whole entire moment, but I have control of like how I'm going to Me.
cross proceed and how I'm going to process and how I'm gonna respond to this.
And all I can do is just choose to do the next right thing.
27:13
Yep.
That's it.
That's literally all that is in my control at this moment.
And yeah, because the big is scary and most of the time it's wrong.
Yes, yes.
We ne Most of the time it's wrong.
27:29
Right.
terrible predictors.
Terrible.
27:32
Right.
27:32
We're gonna go to the worst thing.
27:34
That is probably not even a valid thing.
Yeah.
27:38
Like when I do presentations on, on that and like on, you know, where our minds are gonna take us.
27:45
I always talk about this story because my husband still to this day, will like bring it up every once in a while because it was so ridiculous to where my brain was.
27:55
So we have off-grid property and it's like nine miles off a dirt road.
27:59
And back then, we didn't really have good cell service up there, so it was like, only on the road could they get it.
28:04
And my husband knows that he needs to check in with me when he's up there because, hello, I need to know that you made it there safely.
28:12
Like that's just the thing.
28:14
Well, both him and my son were both going up there at the same time.
28:17
So there was two people who knew that just one of them needed to just say, we made it safe.
That's it.
We made it safe.
They did not do that, and I totally get it.
They're in their thing.
They're talking about whatever's going on, and so it has now been one hour, now it has been two hours, now it has been three hours.
And my, our other agreement is every three hours we check in.
So now, not only did you not check in when you first got there, it's now been three hours past that.
I've not heard from either one of you.
And so that is the point with that my brain is given permission to like really worry about things.
And so yeah.
28:54
So the, it had to come up with a scenario in which both of them went down at the exact same time because honestly not plausible that if one of them went down, the other one would not have contacted me.
29:08
Right.
29:09
So like they both had to go.
29:11
And so it was like, okay, so like were they digging in the ground and they hit like this gas pocket that like knocked them both out.
29:18
Not even remotely a possibility no.
like brain.
Why is that? Why is that something that's even on the table for thought yeah.
and discussion? So yeah, our worst case scenarios are typically Insane.
a hundred percent wrong.
Yeah.
Not even possible.
Not only are we terrible predictors, but very often when we get through something very challenging, we look back and say, I'm so glad I went through that.
I have learned so much.
So it's like we shouldn't be afraid of it because our history tells us it's worth it and we've learned something.
Also we're never right about what happened somehow in my friend group here in, where I live.
I've become like the divorce whisperer, like when someone's getting divorced.
Like if I have a friend who has a friend who's getting divorced, they're like, I know a lady you should talk to.
She'll make you feel better about this.
And so I always tell them the same thing.
Whatever bad thing you think it's bad things are going to happen.
This is going to be very hard.
You are going to have very low moments and you're gonna have moments of like, oh, I'm so glad I did this, but you have no I, whatever you think in your mind right now is going to happen, is not coming.
just let it go and that something bad's coming and it will be hard, but it's not what you think it is.
So just press forward and find out what it is.
And then my second piece of advice, in case anyone listening is getting divorced is buy a lot of paper plates.
'cause doing the dishes is too much when you're getting divorced.
what I tell everyone.
Go buy disposable dinnerware and use it for the foreseeable future.
Cut yourself some slack lady.
But yeah, we what's gonna happen.
31:02
We No, we don't.
And even though we may be grateful for it after we go through it, like that's a whole process as well.
31:10
Yep.
'cause going through it just suck it Mm-hmm.
a lot of times.
Yeah.
Having processes of, okay, so when can I worry? Also my, like, my kind of go-to when things are hard.
Like I, I don't wanna tell myself, I can't worry at all because well, one, that's unrealistic.
That's never gonna happen.
And two, we all need an out, like when things are, truly hard, we need to give our brain an out, like it's okay to break down.
31:41
It's okay to, you know, and we're gonna do it for this long, but we can't do it for any longer than that.
31:49
Right.
31:49
Like, we can use disposable plates for months if we feel like it.
31:54
Yeah.
31:54
But when we're getting into the years, that's something that we need to look at, Yeah.
We might wanna you know? dishes.
Like having some kind of timeline to it.
Because when you're in the middle of it, it does feel like it's literally gonna be there like forever, and you're never going to one, get through it because there's always gonna be something else that comes around or two ever feel better.
And that's just a lie.
That's just a lie.
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We will be back next week with part two of our Getting to Know You episodes.