Latest / Harder Than Life / Choose Your Partner Like Your Business Partner | Success Mindset, Self-Improvement & Relationships

Transcript

Choose Your Partner Like Your Business Partner | Success Mindset, Self-Improvement & Relationships · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'd built a life I didn't want to come home to. No amount of money was able to fix that. You cannot scale something healthy when the foundation's built on survival. Believe me, I know this. I lived it. Fear-built success has an expiration date and a ceiling. I spent years using alcohol to manage the noise, to quiet the anxiety, to decompress from the war I was living at home and the pressure I was carrying in business.
• 0:27
  Alcohol is not a coping strategy. It's a delay tactic. It doesn't process the pain. It suspends it. When the suspension ends, the pain is still there. Plus interest. It's supposed to be hard. That's how you know it matters. Raise the standard, protect your mission, and for the love of everything, do the work. Fix the foundation. Everything else will scale.
• 0:58
  Those of you that are watching and you tune in every single week, please smash that subscribe button. We are focused on growing that for you to get bigger and better guests. I appreciate it. It means the world to me and our team breathing into you. If you're watching this on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify, subscribe on that platform. I was driving home from the airport from a business trip, closed a couple deals, made some money,
• 1:28
  by every measurable standard on the outside, I was winning. And I remember gripping that steering wheel on the highway and having one single thought. What if I just yanked the wheel onto oncoming traffic right now? I know it sounds horrible, but it's true. Not because I wanted to die, because I didn't wanna go home. Let that land for a second.
• 1:56
  I was generating more money than I'd ever made in my life. And the thought of walking through my own front door was enough to make me consider ending it. That is not success. That is a prison with a nicer zip code. And if you're listening to this right now, grinding, building, accumulating, and you feel that low-grade dread...
• 2:21
  Every time you pull into your driveway, this episode is not optional for you. So stay with me. Welcome to the Harder Than Life podcast. I'm Kelly Siegel, CEO of National Technology Management, author of Harder Than Life and Happier Than Life, and the guy who learned almost every major lesson the hard way so you don't have to. Welcome to the show. Thanks for listening and welcome back.
• 2:51
  Today we're talking about the most important business decision you'll ever make. And here's the thing. It has nothing to do with your niche, your education, your funding, your marketing strategy, hiring plan, or the degree you have.
• 3:11
  or don't have. The most important business decision, easy enough for me to say, you will ever make, is who you choose as your romantic partner. I know some of you just rolled your eyes, keep listening to me, because I'm not talking about love and butterflies, or rainbows and unicorns. I'm talking about the single most consequential variable in your performance as a leader, as a builder,
• 3:41
  and as a human being. Your home is your headquarters, your sanctuary. And if it's a war zone, you're falling behind every single day. You cannot build peace in your business if there's no peace in your house. You cannot make clear decisions from a brain that is a constant state of threat response. You cannot scale something healthy
• 4:07
  When the foundation's built on survival, believe me, I know this. I lived it. I built wealth in fear. And I'm here to tell you, fear-built success has an expiration date and a ceiling. So the real cost of building in fear, let me tell you, what it looks like from being in the inside, because I've been there. You work more.
• 4:33
  Not because you love the work, because the office is safer than your home. You tell yourself you're driven, you call it ambition. You post about the grime, but if you're honest, I mean brutally honest, you're not running towards something. You're running away from something. That was me. My ex-wife, my baby's mama was in pain, real pain.
• 4:59
  And she didn't know how to carry it, so she transferred it every single day. And I, a man who grew up in chaos, who learned that love and pain were the same thing, absorbed all of it, normalized it, and I worked harder to cope with it. And the numbers went up. The revenue grew. The deals closed. But my mental health disintegrated quietly.
• 5:26
  beneath the surface. Actually, it probably wasn't even that quiet. Here's what nobody tells you about the fear based success. It costs you. You compound the interest negatively. I've talked about it positively. Every dollar you build in dysfunction costs you $2 in recovery, in therapy and health and relationships in lost time that you'll never get back the dollars and cents. The revenue was real, but, and so was the wealth.
• 5:54
  but the slow collapse happening inside of me, the lack of growth driving home from that airport wasn't a breakdown, it was a revelation. It was the moment the cost became undeniable. If I didn't do something and do something quickly, the whole house was gonna come crumbling down. And that was the moment I realized
• 6:22
  I'd built a life I didn't want to come home to. And no amount of money was able to fix that. So let me ask you directly. Are you building towards something? Or are you running from something? Because the answer to that question determines everything about what you actually end up with. Now here's where I'm going to lose the people who want this to be easy. After that relationship ended, I didn't just go find a better partner.
• 6:52
  I went and found the same partner in a different body. Several times, in fact. Because that's what unhealed people do. We don't attract what we want. We attract what we are. Let me say that again. We don't attract what we want. We attract what we are.
• 7:12
  You will not attract a peaceful, secure, self-aware partner when you're operating from a wounded, unhealed, emotionally reactive version of yourself. That nervous system is all out of whack and you're gonna attract somebody that is the same. The universe works like that. Like attracts like. We attract our mirrors always.
• 7:40
  So if you keep ending up in the same relationship with different faces, stop blaming the faces. I had to go through a process that I can only describe as learn, unlearn, become, and rebuild. I had to look at the patterns I brought into the relationships. Remember, wherever you go, you take you with you. The walls I built, the habits I formed,
• 8:07
  the lack of boundaries, the way I controlled situations because I never felt safe, the way I over-functioned to earn love because nobody just gave it to me as a kid. That's the work nobody wants to do because it's slow. It's uncomfortable and invisible to everybody on the outside. Remember how I always say you have to believe in invisible progress? Oh, no.
• 8:36
  but it's the highest return on investment work of your life. Bar none. Every hour I spend in therapy, and I should say spend in therapy because I'm still in this, in the mud every morning that I'm in stillness, every journal entry, every hard conversation,
• 8:57
  I've ever had with myself paid dividends in my leadership, in my decision-making, in my relationships, especially the one with myself and my daughter and in my business. This is not theory. It's lived proof. You want a better partner? Become a better person.
• 9:19
  Not a richer one, not a more successful one, a more complete whole one. That entire he completes me or she completes me, that's Hollywood bullshit. Several relationships and several hard lessons later, I met my now girlfriend, Brittany, and I want to be very clear, this is not a fairy tale.
• 9:40
  And then I found her and everything was perfect. Every relationship was work in progress. Every relationship requires maintenance, honesty, friction, and growth. So don't romanticize what I'm about to say to you. We still have our issues. We're still showing up and working on ourselves and each other and learning how to communicate. We're growing together. But here is what's different.
• 10:09
  Right now, as I record this, I'm going through one of the most intense emotional sessions of my life. I can't even put my finger on it. It's been five straight days. Old wounds, old patterns, feelings I've been carrying for decades that are finally coming to the surface because I'm scratching them.
• 10:32
  And Brittany holds space for it. She sees me and she hears me. She doesn't try to fix it. She doesn't run from it. She doesn't make it about her because it has nothing to do with her. She offers me the grace, the unconditional love that I've always desired. She gives me an honest perspective and that she lets me move through it at my own pace.
• 11:00
  And believe me, my pace is usually super fast. Right now, I'm just letting it run through its course. You know what that does for a man who grew up raising himself? You know what it does for a leader to come home to that instead of warfare? Make better decisions. Think more clearly. I lead from a place of strength.
• 11:25
  instead of scarcity. So abundance and love instead of fear and scarcity. I take smarter risks because I'm not operating in constant threat response. Peace is not passive. Peace is productive. And I protect my peace at all costs. When your home is a safe place, your mind becomes a safe place. And when your mind is a safe place, everything you build is different. It's built on a strong foundation.
• 11:54
  The quality is different. The intention is different. The sustainability is different. I'm not building from fear anymore. I'm building from peace. And I can feel the difference in my body every single day. And if you notice how the inflection of my voice changed, that should show you. Woo, we're only getting started. So that's the business case for the right partner, for choosing the right partner and why it's so important.
• 12:24
  But right here, right now is where I need to be honest with you. Something I'm still working on, even with Brittany, even with all the therapy, all the parts work, all the brain spotting. There's still a version of me that rejects help. That eight-year-old me, eight to about 16, grew up alone. He raised himself.
• 12:47
  cooked for himself. He learned that needing someone or something from somebody else was dangerous because the people who were supposed to show up just flat out didn't. The abandonment was real. That kid is still in me. When things get hard, he shows up and says, I've got it. I don't need anybody. Back up. I grew up where asking for help meant being let down.
• 13:19
  God hurts me to say that. So I stopped asking and I started calling it strength and it wasn't strength. It was a survival mechanism that I outgrew the need for 30 years ago, but kept carrying it like a weapon and I forgot I was holding it. Here's the truth. The strongest thing I'd ever done is let Brittany in.
• 13:48
  not perform being let in, not intellectually agreeing to be vulnerable, but actually in real time with real fear, let another human being see me fully and stay. That is harder than any business deal I've ever closed. Harder than any adversity I've ever pushed through physically. Also, I do this at the office and that's really hard.
• 14:16
  You're someone who's been carrying everything alone, calling it independence, calling it self-sufficiency. I need you to hear me. That pattern has a cost. It's showing up in your business, and that's your hard cost. It's how you lead your team, and your inability to delegate, and the walls you've put around the real version, because letting people in feels like exposure.
• 14:45
  feels like you're letting them down and you down and that little kid down. This work is not just physical. The work is not just a strategy. The work is the eight-year-old still running your adult life. Find that kid, give him what he needed, and then let him rest. Watch your business, your personal life, and everything explode.
• 15:13
  We've all heard about this health is wealth. You know, I'm putting up air quotes, health is wealth. If you're watching us on YouTube, you'll see me being theatrical. You've probably said it yourself. It's just something we all say. Everyone's nodding. Yeah, you're right, Kelly. But nobody talks about the mental health. That's the real health. Nobody maps to it like a profits and loss statement. And it's that freaking important.
• 15:40
  Nobody draws the line between unresolved childhood trauma and the ceiling on your business growth. So I'll do it. Every single minute you spend working on yourself, healing old wounds, breaking old patterns, building honest self-awareness, becoming radically accountable. That's not time away from your business.
• 16:06
  That's the most leveraged investment you can make in your business. Here's what I wish someone had said to me 20 years ago. Not gently, directly. The way I needed to hear it. Kelly, every hour you spend healing is an hour you are adding to your capacity. Your emotional ceiling is your business ceiling. You cannot out-earn your inner chaos. You can outrun it for a while.
• 16:37
  but it will always catch up to you. Fix the foundation. Everything else will scale. Nobody said that to me, so I'm saying it to you. While we're being honest, I spent years using alcohol to manage the noise, to quiet the anxiety, to decompress from the war I was living at home and the pressure I was carrying in business.
• 17:01
  I needed to say this plainly. Alcohol is not a coping strategy. It's not even a strategy at all. It's a delay tactic. It doesn't process the pain. It suspends it. And when the suspension ends, the pain is still there, plus interest. I'm not standing here in judgment, people. I'm standing here in experience.
• 17:30
  I know what it cost me in clarity and health and the time it stunted my growth. So if you're drinking to cope or to fit in or to calm down, hear me.
• 17:46
  That habit is not relaxing you. It's holding you back. It's keeping you comfortable in dysfunction when you should be building something better, something bigger. You want peace. You must build it. You don't drink your way to peace. You work your way there in silence, solitude and stillness and ultimately in surrender.
• 18:13
  All right, let me give you something actionable before we close. And you know me, I don't ever give you just the problem. I give you some solutions as well. This isn't a feelings episode. I don't get all up in the feelings and not actually give you data and actionable things to fix it. So it's not a systems episode. Systems require next steps. So step number one is audit your home environment.
• 18:40
  Is your home a place of peace or a place of warfare? Be honest. Not, we have good days and bad days. I mean, it's life. Unbalanced. Does it going home restore you or does it deplete you? If it depletes you, this is a critical business problem that requires your immediate attention. Not someday, right now. Step two, my friends. Audit yourself before you audit your partner. Okay.
• 19:09
  Before you decide the problem is them, what are you bringing to the table? What wounds are you carrying that are contaminating the environment? What patterns are you repeating? It's not about blame. This is about ownership. You were always a variable. And keep in mind, I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. You have one finger pointing away, there are three pointing right back at you. So be careful. Step three.
• 19:39
  Therapy is not a weakness. It's maintenance. You change the oil in your car. You do not negotiate with that. Your mind requires the same non-negotiable maintenance. I'm doing the brain spotting and the parts work like I told you. Still journaling, still meditating. Find your modality. Build it into your schedule like a board meeting because it's that important. Don't give me this. I can't afford it. I don't have time. You can do this stuff online.
• 20:09
  Step four is start tracking, not just revenue, not just fitness metrics, track your piece, your clarity, your decision quality. Your patience as a leader, your creativity, these are all downstream of your mental and emotional state. Watch what happens to those numbers when you do the inner work. And step five, choose your partner like you choose your business partner.
• 20:37
  Values, alignment, emotional maturity, the capacity for honest conversation, the ability to hold space, and a partner who is working on themselves. You see a red flag? Run. You would not bring a chaotic, unacceptable, emotionally reactive person into your business as a partner. Apply that same standard to your personal life. The stakes are higher at home because your home runs 24 hours a day.
• 21:04
  Here's a pro tip, and I've seen this more and more. Do not do business with someone who cheats, because they will cheat on you. The most important business decision you will ever make is not a business decision at all. It is who you choose to come home to. It is who you choose to become before you make that choice. It is the inner work you do or don't do that determines the quality of the partner you attract.
• 21:33
  It is the mental health you protect or neglect that determines the ceiling on everything you built. I built wealth in fear. I built success in silence and pain and alcohol in survival mode. And I'm here to tell you, it has an expiration date. Build in peace, my friends, build in truth, build in wholeness and it'll stay forever.
• 21:58
  If you're not there yet, start to work today. Not when it's convenient. Not when the quarter closes. Today. Because the business you're trying to build is only as strong as the person running it. And the person running it is only as strong as the person they come home to. Raise the standard. Protect your mission. And for the love of everything, do the work.
• 22:23
  I'm Kelly Siegel. This is harder than life. And remember, it's supposed to be hard. That's how you know it matters. I'll see you on the next episode. Be sure to share this with somebody who may be going home to a chaotic environment. Thank you all.
• 22:45
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.