Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 186. Boundaries with Adult Children: Phrases and Behaviors That Backfire

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186. Boundaries with Adult Children: Phrases and Behaviors That Backfire · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting.
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey mama, I'm Pamela Hinkelman and you're listening to the Midlife Mama podcast.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: The show for Christian moms who want to let go with grace and actually enjoy their emptiness.
• 0:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a certified emptiness coach, speaker, and mom of five grown kids.
• 0:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know the challenges this season brings from letting go to setting healthy boundaries to rediscovering your purpose and reconnecting with your husband.
• 0:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Each week I'll be your guide.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: offering heartfelt conversations, faith-filled encouragement and practical strategies to help you thrive in this next chapter.
• 0:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: My husband and I are loving the emptiness years and I have strong growing relationships with my adult kids and I want the same for you.
• 0:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't miss the end of each episode.
• 0:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll share a quick coaching tip you can apply right away to improve your relationship with your kids or your spouse.
• 1:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: One favor before we dive in.
• 1:03
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• 1:07
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• 1:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you're following the podcast so you don't miss a single episode.
• 1:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get started.
• 1:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, Marvel.
• 1:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the Midlife Mama podcast, The Place for Faith, Friendship and Real Talk for Empty Nest Moms.
• 1:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you've ever hesitated to set boundaries with your adult child, you're not alone.
• 1:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's so common.
• 1:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: to worry that you'll sound harsh or unloving, or maybe you just don't know the right words to use, so you stay quiet and hope things will get better.
• 1:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: But here's the good news.
• 1:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Boundaries aren't about control.
• 1:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're about love.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: They create space for respect and clarity and healthy connection.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: As Christian moms, we can look to Jesus as our model.
• 1:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: He withdrew to rest and said no when needed and spoke with truth and grace.
• 1:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: In today's episode, we're talking about six phrases and behaviors to avoid when setting boundaries with your adult kid.
• 2:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: These practical shifts will help you protect your relationship, communicate clearly and honor the Lord in the process.
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So grab your coffee, settle in, and let's dive in.
• 2:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you've ever hesitated to set boundaries, know that that is such a normal response.
• 2:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: We just haven't really been taught well.
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes we feel torn that will come across as harsh or pushy.
• 2:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes we just don't know what to say.
• 2:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then we kind of ignore it, hoping things will get better.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: But really, here's the truth.
• 2:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Healthy boundaries are not about anger or being harsh.
• 2:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're about love.
• 2:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're about creating space for mutual respect and clarity, healthy communication and connection.
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: This will require courage, self-awareness and honest communication.
• 3:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And as Christian moms, we have the comfort of knowing that boundaries are God's ideas.
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Think about how Jesus walked and moved through the earth.
• 3:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Jesus modeled boundaries beautifully.
• 3:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: He withdrew to rest and pray.
• 3:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And He said, no, when necessary.
• 3:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And He confronted unhealthy behavior with both truth and grace.
• 3:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And He showed us that it is possible to be firm without being unkind.
• 3:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that boundaries can actually strengthen our relationships, rather than tear them down.
• 3:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's exactly what we long for as moms with grown kids.
• 3:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Deep connection that isn't clouded by guilt, frustration, or resentment.
• 3:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: But with that in mind, we have to be very careful
• 4:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we want to look at six common phrases or behaviors to avoid when setting boundaries because you want to be able to protect your relationship with your adult child while still honoring God.
• 4:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: So tip number one is don't speak in anger.
• 4:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Often, when moms feel taken advantage of resentment, consumer, until it finally bubbles over, and that's when we're tempted to snap, lash out, or say something, will regret.
• 4:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: But anger, you know mom, it rarely builds connection, and it usually drives a wedge deeper.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, we have to learn how to take our frustration to the Lord first.
• 4:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Process those heavy emotions with God.
• 4:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Pray about it, journal about it.
• 4:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Take a walk to process the emotions before you speak.
• 4:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when your heart is calm, you'll be able to approach your adult child with chantelness and wisdom.
• 4:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: In that way, the boundary you said won't be clouded by harsh words.
• 5:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: But instead, it will be rooted in love, truth, and respect.
• 5:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Tip number two for behaviors or words to avoid.
• 5:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't say, this is my boundary.
• 5:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you're trying to be clear, it can feel natural to announce.
• 5:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is my boundary for dot dot dot, but to an adult child, that phrase may come across as harsh, controlling, or even like you're putting up a wall.
• 5:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And instead of inviting connection, it often stirs up defensiveness.
• 5:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, boundaries aren't about control.
• 5:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're about communicating your needs with honesty and love.
• 5:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: A gentler way to express a limit
• 5:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: is by saying, I need.dot.
• 5:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: For example, you could say, I need advanced notice if you want me to babysit the grandkids, or I need to end the conversation if the tone becomes disrespectful.
• 6:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: This approach shifts the focus from rules to relationship.
• 6:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're not laying down the law.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're inviting your child to understand what matters to you.
• 6:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Clear kind words open the door for cooperation and respect.
• 6:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Tip number three for things to avoid.
• 6:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: don't say, you never are you always.
• 6:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Braises like you never call, or you always forget, usually slip out when we're frustrated, but sweeping generalizations aren't fair, and they almost always make our grown kids feel attacked.
• 6:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of drawing them closer, these words push them away and shut down healthy communication.
• 6:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: A better way is to use eye statements.
• 6:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: The shifts the focus from blame to your genuine need.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: For example, you could say, I need you to be responsible for your dirty dishes and laundry while you're living at home.
• 7:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: This kind of statement is specific, respectful, and clear.
• 7:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you communicate with I instead of you, we leave room for conversation instead of conflict.
• 7:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a simple shift that can turn a tense moment into an opportunity for understanding.
• 7:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: You want to raise your kids and grandkids to know love and follow Jesus, but let's be honest.
• 7:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Parenting with faith in today's world can feel overwhelming.
• 7:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: The midlife mama podcast is part of the Christian parenting podcast network.
• 7:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting exists to equip you with the practical tools, encouragement, and biblical wisdom you need to lead your kids and grandkids.
• 7:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: in faith confidently.
• 7:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: You won't want to miss Christian Parenting's Friday Favorites newsletter.
• 7:49
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• 7:51
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• 7:59
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• 8:02
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• 8:08
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• 8:17
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• 8:19
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• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get back to our conversation.
• 8:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Tip number four, four things to avoid when setting boundaries is don't bring it up at the wrong time.
• 8:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even the right words can fall flat if the timing is off.
• 8:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Trying to set a boundary in the middle of tension, stress or emotional moment usually backfires.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your adult child is less likely to listen and you're more likely to be misunderstood.
• 9:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, wait for a calmer moment when both of you can think clearly.
• 9:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Pray first, then choose a time when you can talk without distractions.
• 9:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And whenever possible, have these conversations face-to-face.
• 9:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not over text.
• 9:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: I repeat, Mama, have these conversations face-to-face, not over text because text messages leave too much room for misinterpretation.
• 9:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your child can't know what you're applying.
• 9:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: They can make assumptions.
• 9:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: But in person, your child can hear your tone and see the gentleness in your eyes.
• 9:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: The timing and the tenderness matter just as much as the words you choose.
• 9:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Tip number five.
• 9:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't assume saying it once is enough.
• 9:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, it'll be so nice if setting a boundary just once sealed the deal, but more often than not.
• 9:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Boundaries need to be reinforced.
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your grown child may test the limit, forget, or simply not take you seriously the first time.
• 10:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't mean that you've failed.
• 10:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: It just means consistency is part of the process.
• 10:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: You might stumble through your words the first time, but each time you calmly, reaffirm the boundary, you grow more confident, and more importantly, your child learns that you mean what you say.
• 10:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Think of it like teaching them to walk years ago.
• 10:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: You didn't expect them to get it perfect the first time.
• 10:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, boundaries are the same way.
• 10:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Patients, persistence, and calm repetition show your child that you love them enough to stay steady.
• 10:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Tip number six, don't be hard on yourself as you learn.
• 10:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Setting boundaries with your adult child is a skill, and like any new skill it takes practice.
• 10:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: At first you may stumble over your words, feel awkward, or notice your child pushing back.
• 10:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't mean you're failing, it just means you're learning.
• 10:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of beating yourself up, extend grace to yourself.
• 11:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remind your heart, this is new, and it's okay to grow slowly.
• 11:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: The more you practice, the more natural boundary setting will become.
• 11:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: One day you'll look back and realize it feels far easier than it does right now.
• 11:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Most importantly, you don't have to do this in your own strength.
• 11:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Lean into the Lord and let the Holy Spirit give you wisdom, courage, and peace as you walk this out.
• 11:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Boundaries aren't just about what you say, they're about who you're becoming in Christ as you learn to love with both truth and grace.
• 11:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Setting boundaries with your adult child isn't always easy, but there is a right way to do it.
• 11:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when we are intentional, prayerful and mindful to avoid common pitfalls, we gain the confidence to be both firm and loving.
• 11:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: As we practice, this new skill, resentment and frustration lose their grip, and our relationships begin to flourish.
• 11:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we don't push our children away.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: They create space for respect, understanding and deeper connection.
• 12:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And as we lean on the Lord for wisdom and strength, we discover that setting limits can be an act of love that both honors our children and God.
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's your coaching tip of the week.
• 12:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
• 12:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 12:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: This week, I want you to think of a boundary you tried to implement that didn't go well.
• 12:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: revisit how you want to phrase it and then try it again and see what happens.
• 12:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, boundaries don't push your kids away.
• 12:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: They create room for deeper respect.
• 12:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the next time you're tempted to speak in anger, use harsh phrases or beat yourself up for not getting it right, pause and remind yourself.
• 12:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is a process and God is with you every step of the way.
• 12:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for joining me for this conversation, Mama.
• 12:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: If today's episode encouraged you, would you take a moment to share it with a friend who's also navigating boundaries with her grown kids?
• 13:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grace and peace, Mama.
• 13:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you've got this and God's got you.
• 13:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: We'll see you next time.
• 13:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 13:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you leave each episode feeling a little more encouraged, equipped, and seen, because that's what this space is all about.
• 13:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Through the stories, insights, and conversations we share here, I'm coaching you through the ups and downs of the empty nest, helping you rediscover purpose, deepen faith, and enjoy this new season of life.
• 13:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're ready for an even more personalized support, I'd love to invite you to book a free connection column.
• 13:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: The link is in the show notes and we'll talk about how I can walk alongside you as your coach.
• 13:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And let's stay connected.
• 13:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Follow me on Instagram at P-Hinkleman.
• 13:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N, or come find me on Facebook at Pamela Hinkleman, M-D-Nest Coach.
• 13:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to figure this all out on your own mama.
• 13:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm here for you when you're ready.