Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Stand-Up in a Prison | Brendan Sagalow | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Stand-Up in a Prison | Brendan Sagalow | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: You guys ready to dash?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Just kidding.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: What's up?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: What's up?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Would you be upset if I killed you?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: One of you?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think so.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have a gun?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Who's got a gun?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Ha ha ha, nobody.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted a gun for a little bit.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted a gun.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so afraid of getting like my apartment broken into.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: But then I was, and I was gonna get one, and then I was like, I'm also afraid I'm gonna kill myself.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: So you have to like weigh out the options, you know what I mean?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I sat down with a little pros and cons thing, you know.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, how often does a breaking and entering really happen?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Never, right?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, every day I'm like, I'm gonna fucking die, kill me, you know?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, someone kill me! That's every day, every night.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: No gun for me.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Remember when they wanted to give teachers guns?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: That could have been my gun! If I was a teacher, I'd love to have a gun.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I would introduce myself.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: First day, September, I'd go, hello, class, my name is Mr.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Sagalo.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Also on a, I don't know, there's too many people walking up to us, like, you know, getting in our like putting us on their fucking YouTube and shit.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: That'd be nice to have a gun for that.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Some guy going up, what do you do for a living?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, this, you fucking idiot.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I do.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so you know what?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: I've been on TikTok.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: I just I'm on TikTok all day, or like reels or whatever.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: All day I'm just swiping, and I'm like, I'm watching these teenagers prank people, and it's getting me livid.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: I hate them.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: I hate people pranking people.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so afraid it's gonna happen to me.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like a guy fell down in front of me the other day, and I thought he was trying to TikTok prank me, so I didn't pick him up.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't help him.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: He fell down in front of me, and I thought some other kid was just filming me.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought if I picked him up, he was gonna go.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'm on World Star the next day.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Fat lesbian has a panic attack.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that a relatable fear that you're gonna get memed and you're you can't get a job or pussy for the rest of your fucking life?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're a fucking meme! I'm so memeable too.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: So memeable.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: I get like, you know, I got into an argument a couple months ago, and um, like we were gonna fight kind of thing.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not a fighter.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Look at me.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I look like a Renaissance paintings depiction of a queen, okay?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: I don't look like a fighter.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I was losing weight at the time, and he did not think so.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Sincerely, if you think you're losing weight, if you're like, I'm on a diet, go pick a fight with a stranger and just see how fat you still are.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: He he walked right up and he goes, You fat fuck! And then I said to him, Not as much as I used to be.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's a true story.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's a true story.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then he laughed in my face, and he was a Spanish guy, and he went, ja ja, ja, ja, ja, which I thought was.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever, who cares?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: I like being right by a window.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: I can do it.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: If this isn't going well, I can just fucking jump right out.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Too many suicide jokes.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Are you guys couples?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: You guys together, hand on knee.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's cute.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: We're coming all hand on knee.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: How many couples fought today and you're s like argued and you're sitting here right now?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: My god, that makes me laugh all the time.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Picturing how many like you have to.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: How many couples, like, before they walked into a comedy club, were like, can we just have a good time tonight?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And now you're sitting here faking it.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Ha ha ha ha.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Couples that go out and fight.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you love seeing that shit?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: I was thinking about it.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: There must have been a couple that fought on the Titanic.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Horrible life, those people.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Just fighting with your wife on the Titanic and then you die.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Could you imagine?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Some wife is like, the boat is sinking, and some idiot husband's like, then why is the band still playing, okay?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not falling for your boat, prank.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to gamble cut in.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: I just want to have a good.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I used to fight in relationships a lot.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Me and my I have an ex.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: I have a we used to fight all the time.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: We were two different people, you know what I mean?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, she was very liberal.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: She was democratic, you know, she would like vote, and like, you know, she was like all that good shit, and I'm like a fun guy.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: And those two things are always gonna kinda like, you know.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: They're always gonna bump heads, you know what I mean?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'll give you fucking liberal queers a little bit more of an example.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: You don't own a gun.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: You don't think that joke was funny?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell is wrong with you, yes?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'll give you an example, because uh this is because I'm I'm left, I'm liberal too, but I was like, you know, I don't like telling people how to live their life.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I okay, here's the example.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to play the Harry Potter Hogwarts Legacy video game.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: And she thought that made me anti-trans.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care whatever you do.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know what makes me laugh?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: Every time you hear someone go, I don't feel safe with transgender women in our public bathrooms.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't that make you laugh?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Has anybody here been in a public bathroom and felt safe?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you walked into a public bathroom, oh safe, safe, stay, safe.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so safe here.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Look at it.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: This guy's sleeping, that's how safe he is.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: This guy, I don't even think he's breathing, he's so calm.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: And also, not for nothing, if you do feel so unsafe in a public bathroom, don't you want a muscular woman in there?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, don't you want a woman who can tuck her balls behind her back and be like, go piss, I'll watch the door, you go piss.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody comes in here, I'll fuck him in the ass.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Dry style! All you guys go to therapy?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in therapy.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: My therapist is such an asshole.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Either day he goes, he goes.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Not the other day.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, comics all the time are like the other day.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: This was six years ago.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Six years ago.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Six years ago.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, he goes, what you gotta do, Brendan, is you gotta stop smoking weed and you gotta stop jerking off all the time.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: And that I never went to him with jerking off as a problem that I have.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: You just put that, can they put stuff on you?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, buddy, the minute I shook your hand, I knew.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: And now when I jerk off, I think about him, which is a fucking problem.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: But what are you gonna do, you know?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: You guys get into arguments with people?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Someone's just trying to test your gangster.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm talking about?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: Just get into a fucking argument with someone on the street.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Fucking I got into an argument with a guy, and uh this is the last argument I got into.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: We're going back and forth, we're doing our fuck fuck you, fuck you.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then at the end of the argument, he blew a kiss at me.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, alright, buddy.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I caught the kiss instinctually.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Cut that out, please.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: Can we cut that one out?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: They're not can you monetize on this set at all?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: You guys smoke weed?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: One guy, yes.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I love smoking weed.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's it's fucking sick.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: I like going places high.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: I like getting high everywhere, you know.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: I I would visit my grandma high, that was awesome.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Sick, do that.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Do it.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's perfect.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: My grandma had dementia.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm high, so we're both just standing there like, what?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, what's our names again?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, I gotta go.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: But okay.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: But this is fun.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's fun doing stand-up.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's always fun doing stand-up in whatever the hell this is.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: With this fucking guy looking at me the entire time.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: I have done a lot of crazy gigs.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: I did a get at Rikers Island.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know what that is?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's prison.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: I paid my nickel.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: I paid my I did my time.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: They call you too, and they come up on your caller ID as jail.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like prison.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: There's no like unknown caller.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's like Rikers Island calling, and I'm not fucking around.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: I just did not go to jury duty that week.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I did not show up.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Just missed it.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: I missed jury duty, and then jail's calling.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: I literally was like, oh my god, they're so quick! Is this how they arrest white people?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: This is he.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is he.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I did the gig, which was a nightmare, as you can imagine.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: And the guy, when he booked us, he goes, Oh, by the way, you're uh you're about to perform for the Latin Kings of Rikers Island.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I had, I just had like a shit fit.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: I had a little stick up my ass or something.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I went, hey man, you gotta tell us that before we agree to the gig, okay?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, why?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: And then I go, I go, well, you don't know.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I could be an enemy of the Latin Kings.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: I said that to him, and he literally was like, I think you're good.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, unless the Latin Kings are beefing with the Macy's Rewards cards members.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: All right, you guys have been great, man.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Have a good