Latest / Aging Parent TrapX / When Mom can't live alone anymore
Transcript
- Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Are you someone in your late 40s, early ⁓ 50s, a Gen Xer who is starting notice ⁓ that maybe your parents might not be to live on their own anymore? How do you recognize the signs? That's what we're talking about today. Come on, let's go. Today we are talking about how to recognize signs that your parents might not be able ⁓ to live on their own anymore. My name is Allison I'm the broker owner of Platinum Properties of Florida ⁓ in the greater Tampa Bay area and I'm here today with two of my friends and colleagues Julie Cook of Generational Transitions and also Nikki Flynn with Elite Preparation Services and we all work together in tandem to try and help Gen Xers like myself their aging parents. And so today ⁓ are talking about how to recognize the signs of ⁓ my gosh mom and dad might not be able to live on their own and I'm gonna just go ahead ⁓ give this right over to Julie because she is an expert Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: . Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: at this, Julie. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: So that's such an important moment and something to recognize. So I'm gonna backtrack just for a minute and start with when you notice that there may be an issue with mom and dad being at home or mom or dad, if there's only one parent in the home. The first things many Gen Xers will want to do is say, I'm gonna take care of them myself. They cared for me, my turn to take care of them. And that is a beautiful thing. ⁓ Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Ladies. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: to consider if you work full time, if you have kids and you have activities, one of the considerations is the safety of your parents and you're not home very much. while it's ⁓ in theory, ⁓ important before you take on this big responsibility and build a casita in the back of your ⁓ and all of this to think about the reality of, I really ⁓ enough to take care of my parents ⁓ and as they get older? Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Mm-hmm. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: like I would like to. thing to consider is when is time, maybe it's not good for them to live alone. ⁓ Oftentimes, you have two parents, one of becomes the primary caregiver. So maybe one has a lot of needs that they're dealing with, the other one is trying to help because they desperately want to stay together and they're getting and they're getting worn out. The good thing to know is that they can stay together. If you're looking at a senior living community, even if parents have two different care needs, maybe one is completely independent, one needs a lot of help, no problem, you can stay together. That gives you peace of mind that if you're still blessed to have mom and dad both in your life, they can stay together. They don't have to be separated just because of care needs. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: That is, I know that there actually, ⁓ talked to some people that. bought into this facility, you probably know where it is. I think it's somewhere in the Palm Harbor area they start as just a ⁓ 55 and then it goes all the way to skilled nursing care, like the whole thing. So they didn't have any children. So they went ahead and bought a package there. ⁓ I that was fascinating to me because I didn't know that that existed. But of course it ⁓ does. just never thought about it. And I think that's what like me, ⁓ going through my life, you know, my kids are almost grown and flown, right? I've got one more going out to college. Now time is going to really start to free up. Maybe we'll be able to travel a little bit and whoo, you know, the brakes get put on because now ⁓ I've to deal with some other stuff. And I think that's what Gen Xers are going to have coming at them that they don't realize like now their parents are ⁓ they us to help them. And I don't mean that in a bad way. They just think that we're smart enough to figure out how to take care of them the way that they need to be taken care of. Does that that sounds terrible but we don't Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: No. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: we're not expecting it. We're not really thinking about it. Maybe we're not having these conversations about it, but it all happens very suddenly. And so some of the some of the things that people should be on the lookout for the indicators and by the way, we do have a nice little indicator list. It's a short list, but I'll put it in the description below with all of our contact information. But you guys watching this, you can click on that and you can download the indicator list. It's short and sweet. Just a few bullet points. ⁓ So you don't have to take notes right now. one is like you found out that your mom or dad left the stove on. ⁓ know, they're cooking ⁓ they accidentally left the stove on. That's alarming because that could burn down the entire house. I mean, there's some other ones. Can you guys think of some other things would be concerning that would be indicators? Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Right. Nikki: where ⁓ were going when they're out driving around, forgetting how to get back home. They're going to appointments, but they're not paying attention to the days and times, and they can't keep track of the days and the times anymore. And then of course, the one that we just recently talked about was the fall. Those are the primary that I see a lot. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Yeah, the falls, those, but ⁓ see, and I think that the one with ⁓ I see I don't my mom doesn't have a memory problem, but have another family member that does. But it took a while for everybody to kind of go. ⁓ We we think something's going on there. Like it takes a while because you're not expecting it. Somebody who's had like the you know, brain their entire life. And so you're not expecting. this to happen. So it's almost very, it's not, you know, they left the stove on. It's over the course of time, you're starting to recognize little signals, right? Is that what you guys have heard from your people? Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah, absolutely. We talked, I think in our first episode about the fall that changes everything. And I've learned as I talk to families, there may be a fall, but as you learn the story, then they start to recognize, you know what? I noticed as Nikki stated that mom would go to her doctor's appointment and get confused and get turned around, or dad was making his famous dinner and the oven got left on all night. So there are these signs that maybe are there. but you don't really recognize them until that fall or something big happens. And then all of a sudden the pieces start to come together. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Yeah, and if you live far away, like you might not, ⁓ if you live in another state, mom, dad live in Florida, you might not know until you come for the holidays or maybe you're coming for the summer, ⁓ you to visit while some kids are on break or something like that, ⁓ that open up the refrigerator ⁓ and a ton of like expired food or the house is a mess, like ⁓ dirty, just, because they keep up with it anymore or, I that's when we start to notice some things I think some people do. ⁓ Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. And that's part of, too, I think that's part of what, when have these conversations with your family that might be uncomfortable, for the children, the Gen Xer, there's the guilt of it, ⁓ the, need help my parents, but I really, my schedule, there's just no way I can do it. ⁓ And for parents, there's the shame side of it. ⁓ I recognize, recognize that some things are changing, ⁓ but I'm to say anything because I don't want to lose my house. And if I bring this up, everything changes. And so I think if those conversations come early, then it's like, okay, if we get in this situation, what do we want to do? And then that helps to take away some of those strong emotions. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: that. Yeah, and so Nikki, I mean, you know, that lends itself to the importance of having some documents in place advance, ⁓ Nikki: Right, yeah. And that's the way we had talked about in the previous episode last week about how there's different types of documents, whether they're springing documents where it's only upon incapacitation or if they're immediate, that interim process ⁓ are not. confident that there's an issue going on. They're not seeking doctor approval. They're not going for their visits. They're insisting everything is fine. There's no problem, but there is mental deterioration. The children can't step in yet. That's the gray area. That's the problem area where that's the pride part like Julie was talking about. They don't want to admit that there's a problem. And I've had numerous. clients more than I care to count. ⁓ fact, I just lost one two days ago you know, it just ⁓ that dementia sets in ⁓ ⁓ usually after one of them passes ⁓ one that has dementia, it just spirals downhill from there. ⁓ I really do believe in the you can die from a broken heart for sure, because if if they're not together, ⁓ it just it's very hard to keep the survivor going and Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: And so. Nikki: Having those documents in place is such a lifesaver because it will allow the named agents to be able to step into place before things start spiraling out of control to be able to intervene and be able to say, okay, let's go in for this appointment if we can catch it soon enough. There are diet changes, there are medications, there are things that we can get them on ahead of time going into like the medical world that can prevent things from getting too out of control. because when it gets to that point, really hard. It's on the whole family ⁓ and that parents don't want to be an obligation to their children. They wanna be independent because in their eyes, I gave birth to you, I raised you, I don't need you, I'm the one that's gonna take care of you. ⁓ Well, okay, now the roles are reversed. And ⁓ I joke when I step dad all the time and I say, you are my child. I didn't have children because I knew I was gonna have to take care of you guys. ⁓ Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: So. Nikki: But kind of like they do kind of age backwards. ⁓ get more forgetful. They get more dependent on you. So ⁓ not intentional, but it's being able to have those conversations to say, like Julie mentioned, let's have them before we get to this point. What are your wishes? What are you wanting? And put those documents in place ahead of time, because when it gets to that too late point, documents cannot be formed. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: you Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Thanks. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Right. Yeah, you know, the, parents, of the Gen Xers ⁓ say Gen Xers, you know, can be a range of people. It doesn't have to be a Gen Xer, but you know, I'm in a generation ⁓ where I grew up without technology and with technology, right? But my they didn't any technology until, you know, ⁓ I mean, was well into her, I mean, ⁓ 50s before they even had a computer. that I can even think of. I, They don't know how to navigate some of this stuff that they would have access to because you know when we're getting to the point where we're thinking and maybe they're starting to think I don't think I can live alone right like maybe they're and you're right they don't want to burden us so but also you I asked my mom like lots of times I said mom why don't you just do a little search it's simple to me do a little search online see if there's some places you might like to check out and go check them out she never did it to me ⁓ that seemed like a very simple and very efficient way to kind of, you know, screen out some of the places that she knew that she definitely didn't want to move to. ⁓ that didn't happen. ⁓ I So, ⁓ I mean, ⁓ the moment, ⁓ I mean, talk about it me, tell me some of the other moments that they're realizing that they're not safe to by themselves anymore, Julie. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: some colleagues of mine in particular have mentioned, and I'm noticing this to be true, that after the holidays, they get very busy. During the summer, start to get very busy. Because as you mentioned, you've got adult children that maybe don't live in the same town, maybe don't live in the same state. ⁓ go to visit. Mom and dad can probably mask if they're trying to, things over the phone. But when you get there in person, ⁓ you realize, Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Mm-hmm. Hmm. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: things are not as you thought and we need to start having some of these conversations. are some options? ⁓ while I help people find assisted living communities or senior living communities, there other options. So there is home health options. ⁓ Maybe caregiver options. ⁓ So soon as you need notice that parent needs help, it doesn't mean, okay, we gotta pack everybody up, sell the house. And ⁓ there are where we can do this in phases. The parents really want to stay in their home and they can do it safely. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: if you do it in time, because I think for my in-laws, don't think they did not do it soon enough. And so they tried for a couple of months. ⁓ So we know what was happening, because sometimes they keep that to themselves. ⁓ So we know that my mother-in-law was having multiple falls. We didn't know. There's several different members of the family. there's several children and so we didn't know but then when we found out then it seemed to go very quickly but they did try to age in place by having home health care people come and it would be ideal if It's kind of awkward though, as well. Like it's nice to be in the house, because it's your home, but you have somebody, it's not like you see on television. I mean they're literally just sitting like on your couch, like three feet away from you for 10 hours. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: And that's one thing to consider too is when you have these conversations is home health may be a great option. A caregiver outside of a ⁓ medical health may be a great option, ⁓ they're gonna be there three, hours a day. ⁓ What if you need help at nine o'clock at night? That's some of the things that you need to take into consideration. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Yeah. It's sorting all this stuff out. know, and Nikki, ⁓ like, you try to help people so they're not scrambling at the last minute. Nikki: it's being proactive as much as possible. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: being proactive as much as possible. you know, the care options. mean, Julie said, you know, you can you can try and age in place. You can have people come. You can do independent or assisted living or, you know, memory care. Hopefully you don't ⁓ to go that route, but there's nothing you can do if you need to do that. ⁓ you know, also, I nobody's even mentioning that. I mean, you did mention at the beginning about like having mom and dad come to live with you. But if you have a house that has stairs and has different ⁓ the bathrooms aren't fitted properly, You have to get all the, it's expensive to get all that stuff situated in the house. Like we looked at options like that for my in-laws, but it just, it didn't make sense the way the house was, their house was, and then nobody could really have them live with them. But then also, they didn't want to live with anybody. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Yeah. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: They didn't want to live with the daughter who said, come live with me. I have plenty of room. We can make it work. Well, she's got little kids. And they're like, yeah, no thanks. We love our grandchildren. But we don't want all that. yes, these are conversations that we have to have. Nikki: And it's hard. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: parents. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: And even having those conversations, even though they knew what they didn't want, they didn't know where they want it to go. there's not a lot of, it's very stressful period of time. And I think people just need to. look at this before it gets too stressful when you have ability to make these decisions and do the research ⁓ advance so you're not doing it at the last ⁓ at that moment in time that we discussed. I don't know, please tell me anything you guys want to add to all of this because Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: takeaways like that you guys can add. Nikki: make a quick suggestion and then Julie, you can definitely put in your point and perspective as well. from document perspective, yes, you always want to make sure that those documents are ready because you need to be able to jump in a play when that time comes because if they are looking for help and we do go to Julie and we say, okay, these are the facilities. and they're getting confused and they they're not sure which route they need to go. That's where those power of attorney documents are going to come in handy, where the kids can step in and still give them assistance without taking away their rights and their privileges of being able to make decisions, but assist them in things, handling the the nuisance, the nuances of filling out the paperwork or making the phone calls or following up with people like that kind of stuff where they can have their kids assist without saying, okay, no, you can't make any decisions for yourself. But another thing is, I know a lot of people think that, we'll just have them come live with us. Coming from a personal standpoint, the amount of stress that that puts on you as an individual while we think it's and we can handle it, ⁓ it's It puts whole... Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Mm-hmm. Nikki: different level of responsibility on you. So people who are thinking that really need to make sure that they understand what they're doing because it becomes a full time job. You no more have your space, your time. It's hard and you literally have to give up everything. So I encourage people to please give a lot of thought into things before they just take on that responsibility. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Thank you. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Mm-hmm. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: . Nikki: automatically because it can be extremely hard and stressful on you. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Yeah. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Nikki, I think that's fabulous. I'm glad you're talking from a personal, you can tell this is a personal topic with you. One thing we may talk about in the future is the role of a caregiver and what's involved in that. Because I think when this comes up, some children just automatically, especially if they're maybe the adult or they're the go-getter, I can take care of it, we'll make it work. But you've got to stop and consider what all is involved in the I can make it work. Nikki: Mm-hmm. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: The other thing to consider is there's options. So when you recognize that this is a situation for your parents, let's think about options. There is the option of them living with you. There is the option of home health or a personal caregiver that could come and sit maybe with your family member. Then there's the option of senior living communities. And a lot of people, we talked about this before, but it's worth reiterating. When we talk senior living communities, that doesn't mean nursing home. Now for some folks, they need skilled nursing and that's what it is. But for many folks, a senior living community, whether it's independent, and we'll talk about this more in detail later, but independent basically means I'm gonna come and go as I please, but I don't have to do yard work anymore, I don't have to do maintenance anymore, and somebody cooks three meals for me, but I have a kitchen in case I wanna cook. Then there's assisted living, if you need some help, it's the independents you want come and go as you want. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Right. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: but with care when you need it. So it's the best of both worlds. Then there's memory care option for folks who find themselves in that situation. So the thing to remember in all this is you have options. You don't have to jump in and make a quick decision. That's the value of having that proactive conversation in advance. So when and if these situations happen, you know what path to take. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: So, and you know, these things are not free, right? You know, assisted living, independent living, memory care, they're not free. vary depending on, you know, the pricing structure varies depending on what you get. you're living ⁓ two people in a unit, if you're living, you know, just one person in a unit, how much care in the assisted living, there's different levels, ⁓ there's different scales what they charge by, you know, what they have do so I just know that from my own personal experience with my mother and my in-laws and so then if have to move out of their house I mean I could just see that people ⁓ can be scared about the cost of all of this and how long it's going to last, right? Do they have the money to pay for this? So some of their decisions may be made based on what they can afford and not afford. Maybe they can only afford for mom and dad or mom or dad to come live with them because they can't to put them, can't live somewhere else. just simply can't afford it. ⁓ But you might have the asset of the home that is so, Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: soon. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: treasured it's been their home for 40 or 50 years and you have to decide should we sell it use it to help pay for their care or do we rent it out because we are not sure mom and dad could live for a very long time even if they go into assisted living independent living you know we just don't know tomorrow's not promised but we just don't know how long that's going to be so it can be it can be stressful because you just don't know but you the Those are. I think next time when we come back we're just going to talk about maybe getting more into the specifics of where somebody might consider going and then also how to afford that. And also we're going to talk about soon by the way scams that your ⁓ aging parents should look out for and so should you. ⁓ so make sure that you hit that subscribe button ⁓ that you can come back and you know so that you're notified and you can come back and you can keep watching as we do this series about Gen Xers helping their aging parents. Remember all of our information is in the description below.