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Episode 9: Why You Feel Disconnected from Your Life and How to Come Back to It · The Original Self Podcast

0:12
Welcome to the Original Self Podcast. I'm Evet
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DeCota, owner of DeCota Life Coaching and a psychology
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-informed life coach. I explore resilience, mindset,
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and the courage to become your authentic self.
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This is a space for honest conversations about
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growth identity, relationships, and the messy
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moments in between that shape who we become.
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Between the salon chair and coaching sessions,
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I've watched people move through life with patterns
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they never notice. Patterns that are subtle,
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familiar, and incredibly hard to see from the
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inside. Today, we're going to talk about something
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many people experience but rarely name. This
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episode nine is called why you feel disconnected
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from your life and how to come back to it. Hi,
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and welcome back. I'm really glad you're here
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because I think today's topic is something a
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lot of people have been carrying with them for
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a very long time, but not quite knowing what
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to call it. Let me start off with a feeling,
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not a dramatic one, but a subtle one. The feeling
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that everything in your life looks fine, but
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it still doesn't feel right. And sometimes even
1:54
from the inside, things are objectively okay.
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You have a job or a relationship or just a functional
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routine. You're not in crisis. You're not falling
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apart. Yet something is still off. It feels off
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to you. Or it's missing. Something's missing.
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There is this low, steady feeling underneath.
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Everything that you can't quite name. And because
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you can't name it, you tend to dismiss it. You
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tell yourself, I'm just tired. Or I'm overthinking
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everything. You look at others and you say, they
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have real problems. And I should be grateful
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for what I have. So you just keep going and you
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keep showing up. But the feeling stays. That's
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what I want to talk about today. That feeling.
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Because I think it's one of the most misunderstood
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and underestimated experiences a person can have.
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It sneaks in slowly. Sometimes it could take
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years. And it tends to live right in the gap
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between the life you're living and the life that
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actually feels like you. As I said, you're functioning,
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but functioning and living are not the same thing.
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And somewhere inside, I think you already know
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that. Before we go any further, sit with this
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for a moment. Is there an area of your life right
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now where things look fine, but don't feel right?
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You do not have to know that yet. I just want
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you to notice whether that feeling is familiar
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to you. So what actually is happening when we
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feel this way? Where does the disconnection come
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from? We know and feel that it just doesn't appear
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all of a sudden. What I'm describing is what
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psychologists call identity performance. It's
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also known as identity work. Sociologist Irving
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Goffman explored this idea extensively in his
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1959 book, The Presentation of Self in Everyday
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Life. He argued that we are essentially performers.
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We continuously manage the impression we give
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to others depending on the social situations
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we encounter. He called it impression management.
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What he was describing was not manipulation,
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it was survival. It starts far earlier than most
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of us realize. I'd like to break down the three
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drivers of identity performance. The first one
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is adaptation. Adaptation is the automatic reshaping
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of who we are to fit in our environment. When
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a child's environment doesn't support their authentic
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expression, the child builds a version of themselves
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to comply with expectations of the parents, the
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culture, the norms. That compliant version is
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not who they are. It's what they learn to be.
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And the longer they act like that, the longer
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it goes unnamed. the more it begins to feel like
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it's the real thing. That's who they are. The
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second driver is approval. It's the reward that
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reinforces the adaptation. So they figure out
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they have to act a certain way, then the parent
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gives the approval, and there you go. There's
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how we act. The idea of love and acceptance being
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unconditional is not necessarily true. They come
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with terms. Every time you adjusted yourself
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and received warmth, inclusion, and praise in
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return, your brain logs that. Do more of that.
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Be more of that. The funny thing is those doing
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the approving are often and most likely completely
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unaware they are doing it at all. But the pattern
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it creates is powerful and lasting, right? The
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third driver is safety. It's the deepest driver
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of the three, which makes sense because when
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belonging feels like survival or a survival need,
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especially in childhood, and I think it genuinely
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is, anything that threatens that belonging can
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feel dangerous. So showing a part of yourself
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that might be rejected doesn't just feel uncomfortable.
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To a young nervous system, it can feel like a
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genuine threat. John Bowlby's attachment theory
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explains why. So children are biologically wired
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to stay close to their caregivers and anything
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that risks that bond triggers a fear response
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so you learned to keep things certain things
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hidden not because they were wrong but because
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keeping them hidden felt safe felt accepted so
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that you wouldn't lose that caregiver Think about
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what you learned as a child, not from what people
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told you explicitly, but from what you observed
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and what you experienced. You most likely learned
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what earned approval was. You learned what made
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the adults in your life comfortable or uncomfortable.
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And you learned which parts of yourself were
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welcomed, which were inconvenient. Maybe too
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loud or too much, too sensitive. Maybe sometimes
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not enough. Children are wired for attachment
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and belonging. It's a survival need they learn
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at an early stage of development. So naturally,
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you adapt. But you need to know this. What matters
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most is that the adaptation wasn't a flaw. It
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was your nervous system doing what it's designed
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to do. Automatically and below your awareness.
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You didn't know that you were doing this. It's
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to keep you safe and connected to the people
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that you depend on. The performing, the shaping,
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the adjusting. All of it made sense at the time.
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It served a real and important purpose. The problem
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is, it's not that we learned to adapt. It's that
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most of us never received the message that it
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was okay to stop adapting. And we brought that
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forward into adulthood. We adapted so thoroughly
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and for so long that the performed version of
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ourselves started to feel like the real one.
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Does that make sense? Can you feel that? The
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original version, the one underneath all of that
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adaptation, started to feel foreign. Even difficult
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to access. I have felt this way a few times in
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my life. It always came from trying to fit in
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with people that I thought I admired. I overlooked
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their negative traits. I gradually absorbed them.
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And without realizing it, I drifted away from
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my core values. Kindness. Justice. There's more.
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I couldn't fully see how much I had changed.
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People would tell me and I just kind of ignored
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it. I became less tolerant of others and less
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kind. And increasingly annoyed and sarcastic.
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But that sarcasm amused my friends, my quick
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wit, although toxic and pointed towards others,
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was funny to them. An example of this is I have
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lived my entire life in Marin. It's a very affluent
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county known for its money, its beauty, and its
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famous residents at times. that the celebrities
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move here is that the locals don't care, or at
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least don't seem or project to care about who
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they are. Acknowledging a celebrity could be
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considered gauche or beneath us, even. I have
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heard from many transplanted clients. When they
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come here, it's very hard for them to get friends,
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to make friends. And they always say that there's
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a distinct aura of indifference that they encounter
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in the people that are from here or have lived
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here for a long time. I once read in a local
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magazine that the way we speak here is dubbed
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Marin speak. An outsider was interviewed and
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that is what she said. And what Marin's speak
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is, it's a tone that conveys nothing's a big
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deal. Nothing bothers us. Nothing can touch us.
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It's sarcastic, maybe slightly dismissive. And
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I can slip into it in seconds. It's genuinely
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second nature to me. But because I know I can
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speak like that and act like that, I try to catch
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myself more quickly now and pull it back and
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be more genuine and put my core values more forward.
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To continue, there's also something important
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happening at the level of your nervous system.
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Our brains have a very strong preference for
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familiar. Not because familiar is good, but because
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it's known, basically. And the nervous system
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treats the known as safe. So even when the role
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you're playing is exhausting, even when the identity
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you're performing no longer fits who you are,
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your nervous system continually tries to pull
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you back, towards the familiar. It's what you
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know, it's what has worked, and it's the path
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your system learned to walk in. That's why change
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is so threatening. Even when you genuinely want
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to change, it's not weakness, it's biology. Understanding
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that can take a remarkable amount of pressure
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off of yourself. That pressure you put on yourself
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of why am I like this? Now you know you can alleviate
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the pressure of those questions because it's
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pure biology. So before we move on, I want to
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pause here for one moment and ask you questions.
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Think back to the environment you grew up in.
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What did you learn was acceptable to show? What
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did you learn that was safer to hide? How much
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of what you learned then is still shaping in
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how you show up now? So let's get specific to
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recognize ourselves clearly in how we perform.
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Performing is built into ordinary choices or
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an ordinary day. And once you start to see it,
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we can see that it shows up in many places. What
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it looks like is saying yes when you really want
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to say no. Not because you want to help or because
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it aligns with your values, but because saying
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no feels dangerous. Inside of you, it feels dangerous.
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It might mean disappointing someone. Or being
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seen as difficult or losing approval that you
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depend on. That group that you admired so much.
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Well, now they're like, well, who's this person?
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So if you say yes and follow through with it,
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then some part of you starts to resent yourself
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because you didn't tell the truth. You didn't
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say that you didn't want to do it. A perfect
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example of this in my life is saying yes to events
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that I don't want to attend. Because I don't
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want to disappoint the person asking, right?
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I think I'm annoyed with them for asking or persuading
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me to go. Trying to guilt me into it. But really,
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I'm disappointed in myself because I was unable
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to just say no. Performing is like choosing what
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makes sense over what actually feels true to
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you. You make a practical decision or a logical
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one, the one that you can defend and explain.
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You justify yourself to other people. The thing
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that actually calls to you gets set aside because
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it's too risky or too uncertain. Maybe it's too
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hard to explain. And over time, you just stop
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asking what feels true. You don't even notice
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it. You only ask what makes sense. The distance
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between those two questions becomes the distance
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between you and yourself. It can also look like
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being liked but not known. So you might have
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a full calendar and people who genuinely care
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about you and still feel profoundly alone. Because
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the person they like is not quite the whole person.
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It's parts of it. But it's not the true you.
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It's not the authentic you. You've shown them
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a version that is easy to be around. The version
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that's maybe agreeable and steady. Always there.
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Always showing up. That's the uncomplicated version.
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While the parts of you that are really complicated
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are very raw and vulnerable, they never quite
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make it to the surface. People love you. And
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you know they love you. But it still doesn't
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land the way it should because what they love
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is a curated version of who you are. I've seen
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this so many times in the hair salon. I'll see
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a few stylists say when they're told that their
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client is there, they'll say, it's showtime.
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And maybe that's not just a performance. Maybe
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it's for their own sake. Maybe it's a protection
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against emotional drain. Maybe this isn't the
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nicest way to describe it, but they're soul suckers.
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And maybe that persona that we present at times
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is a form of protection. It's a shield. A safeguard,
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if you will. Performing can also look like living
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a life that works but doesn't exactly land. So
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what I mean is like a respectable job or comfortable
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home, stable relationships, basically a functioning
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routine. But there's this persistent nagging
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that it's like this feeling that doesn't fully
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belong, like it doesn't all fully belong to you.
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You're living someone else's version of a good
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life, maybe. You followed all the right steps.
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But you arrived at somewhere you didn't intend
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to go. None of these things are failure. They're
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just patterns. Patterns that made sense once,
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usually from childhood. And that you never had
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permission. either from somebody else or from
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yourself, or the actual language to examine why
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these patterns occurred. I'd like to invite you
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to turn inward. Which of those patterns showed
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up for you just now listening to this? Where
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do you think in your life you're choosing familiar
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over true? Who are the people who like you for
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a version of yourself that isn't truly the whole
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truth? So what's the cost of disconnection? Because
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I think the stakes are real. There's a cost when
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we perform instead of live. Spending years and
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sometimes decades playing a role. That doesn't
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fully belong to us. That cost doesn't always
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look like something you might expect. Rather
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than feeling dramatic, it feels more like a slow
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erosion or a gradual dimming of yourself. The
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first thing that tends to go is maybe a low -grade
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dissatisfaction with your life. It's not happiness
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exactly, but that matters too. But the deeper
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sense that what you are doing means something
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to you, that you're in it. That's what kind of
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goes away. Psychologists Dietschy and Ryan developed
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self -determination theory, which I've spoken
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about in other podcasts. They identified autonomy.
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competence, and relatedness as the three human
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psychological needs for well -being. When we
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perform and live inauthentically, the result
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is usually not acute misery, but it's a persistent
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flatness, maybe a hollowness at the center of
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a life that otherwise looks fine. It's the heaviness
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you can't explain or the emptiness that settles
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in at the end of a perfectly normal day. It makes
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you think, what's wrong with me? Why am I not
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happy? Everything's great. I witnessed this in
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a few times in people that enough is never enough.
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They purchase something big or small and something
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they've always thought that they wanted or needed.
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And the thrill of that purchase, of getting what
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they wanted, fades out almost immediately. The
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flatness returns and sometimes that's within
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hours. It becomes so normal to fill their life
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with things. that they barely notice the pattern.
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It seems like they're filling their lives with
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anything and everything except for themselves,
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for the true self. And because it looks like
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living and there's always something new and shiny
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to get or plan for or take a vacation, the cause
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of that heaviness, that flatness that they experience,
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it stays invisible. The second cost of these
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patterns is emotional numbness or the exact opposite,
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a restlessness you can't quite locate or ever
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satisfy. Physician and trauma expert Gabor Mate
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has spent decades studying what happens when
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we learn early in life that certain emotions
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are unsafe to express. Over time, that suppression
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doesn't just affect our inner lives. It disconnects
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us from our bodies, our instincts, and our ability
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to feel fully present in what we experience.
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We can go numb. We have joy, but it doesn't land
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the way it used to. Like, it's not fun anymore.
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Things that matter sometimes feel distant. Others
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feel the exact opposite, a persistent undercurrent
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of anxiety, agitation, a sense that something
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is wrong even when they can't point to exactly
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what it is. Both responses are the self signaling
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to your brain, to you, to your body, your conscious
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mind. That something is out of alignment. I think
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the most honest and least talked about symptom
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of a performed life is it's not rage or bitterness,
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but it's a low, steady, barely acknowledged resentment
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toward your own life. Toward the obligations
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you agreed to. Toward the expectations you have
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spent so long working to meet, toward the choices
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that seem right at the time but have slowly become
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a kind of cage that entraps you. Carl Rogers,
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who founded Humanistic Psychology and whose work
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on conditions of worth I've touched on earlier
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in this podcast, spent years documenting exactly
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this. And his conclusion was very direct. When
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love and acceptance come with conditions attached
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to it, we spend years meeting those conditions
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at the expense of our own truth. Resentment is
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not a character flaw. It's what happens when
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the self has been overridden too long without
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acknowledgement. And because it feels ungrateful
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or unfair to admit that, most people push it
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down. They don't examine it. They just carry
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it. And finally, there's the experience that
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I believe is the most disorienting of all. The
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feeling of watching your own life from the outside.
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Like... You're present for it, you show up, you
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go through the right motions, but you're not
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quite in it. It's called depersonalization and
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feels like there's a glass panel between you
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and your own experiences. I think it exists on
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a spectrum and the mild chronic version is well
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documented in people experiencing identity suppression.
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No crisis needed, just a long enough time spent
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being someone other than yourself. And that feeling
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more than anything else is what brings people
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into my coaching practice. It's not really the
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big catastrophes, but it's the sense of removal
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from their own story. I want to stop here and
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give you a chance to sit with what performing
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does to your well -being. Which of these costs
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resonates most for you right now? Flatness? Feeling
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numb? Restlessness? Subtle resentment? Or the
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feeling of watching from a distance? Just try
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to name it. Reserve your judgment of yourself.
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The naming is already something. It's already
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a first step from opening the cage door and looking
29:24
outward. Here's what I want you to know about
29:28
when people start to wake up to this pattern.
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Because it rarely looks the way we think it will.
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We tend to imagine... That the realization will
29:40
come as a breakdown, a crisis, a moment of rock
29:44
bottom so undeniable that the only way forward
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is total reinvention. And for some people, maybe
29:54
something like that can happen. But for most
29:57
people, it's slower. It's more like a persistent
30:00
whisper that gradually becomes louder. Too loud.
30:09
Carl Jung wrote about what he called individuation.
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The lifelong process of separating the authentic
30:19
self from the persona. If you don't know, persona
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is the Latin word for meaning mask. It's the
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version of ourselves that we construct for the
30:32
world to see. He believed that The moments that
30:38
begin this process are rarely thunder claps of
30:41
clarity. They're often more small or slightly
30:47
bewildering instances of noticing that something
30:52
no longer fits. It might arrive in the middle
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of a perfectly ordinary day, driving to work,
31:00
maybe washing dishes or sitting in a meeting.
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Where you just catch yourself and think, why
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doesn't this feel like me? It's not any fanfare.
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It's just a muted recognition that the life you're
31:16
living feels designed for someone else. It could
31:23
come through exhaustion. Not physical exhaustion.
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Although that can be a part of it. But it's the
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deep tiredness of performing. maintaining, of
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showing up as the version of yourself everyone
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expects because that's what you've taught them.
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While the version of yourself that is true stays
31:47
waiting or unexpressed in the background, the
31:53
little wallflower. It can arrive through envy
31:58
as well. You hear about someone's life or someone's
32:03
choices and you feel a pull you can't quite explain.
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Not because you want their specific life, but
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because something in their story touched something
32:17
in yours. Hilary McBride is a therapist who reframed
32:23
envy in a way that I find pretty useful. She
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described it not as a flaw or something to be
32:30
ashamed of, but as the self pointing towards
32:33
something it wants, yet hasn't permitted itself
32:38
to pursue. It's pretty good. In other words,
32:43
envy's not really about the other person. It's
32:47
the self -knowledge in disguise. These moments
32:56
are not breakdowns. They're not failures even.
33:00
They're your original self asking to be included.
33:05
They are awareness catching up to something that
33:09
has been true for a very long time. And the most
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important thing about all of this that I want
33:18
you to hear is that it's not a sign that something
33:22
has gone wrong. The envy, the exhaustion. It's
33:27
finally something going right. Think about this.
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Have you had one of those moments recently? A
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brief instance where something inside you said,
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this doesn't feel like me. Think about what was
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happening when that thought came to you. And
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then what did you do with it? What'd you do with
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the feeling after you thought it? Something else
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I see in my practice is that people will take
34:03
awareness and immediately use it as evidence
34:06
against themselves. If you have recognized any
34:12
of what I've described today in yourself, the
34:15
performing, the disconnection, the quiet cost
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of it, there's a very good chance that some part
34:22
of you in your mind has already translated that
34:27
recognition into something like, oh, I've wasted
34:31
so much time or I should have known this sooner.
34:35
I've made so many wrong choices. I want to gently
34:40
but firmly say to you, that is not this lesson.
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What you were doing wasn't failure. It was adaptation,
34:54
not failure, adaptation. As I said earlier, adaptation
35:00
is intelligence. It's what kept you connected,
35:05
kept you safe, kept you functional during the
35:09
years when you didn't have the language or the
35:14
distance or the support to do anything differently.
35:19
You were not sleepwalking. You were surviving.
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And that is an important distinction. What's
35:28
happening now? The awareness or the noticing
35:32
or the discomfort that brought you to an episode
35:36
called why you feel disconnected from your life?
35:40
That is not a verdict on who you have been. It's
35:46
really an invitation. To who you can be. Awareness
35:52
is not an accusation. It's the beginning. And
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I think that's exciting. There's something I
36:01
come back to again and again in my coaching work.
36:03
And it is this. You cannot change what you cannot
36:08
see. The performance worked precisely because
36:12
it was invisible. Right? To you as much to anyone
36:16
else. It was just the water you were swimming
36:20
in. It was just life. And the moment you begin
36:25
to see it, and I mean really see it, you gain
36:30
something you didn't have before. You gain a
36:35
choice. And choice, even if it's a small one,
36:40
even if it's imperfect, that's where change begins.
36:46
So if you're sitting with this today and feeling
36:49
the weight of it, I want you to hold alongside
36:53
that weight the fact that you are here. You're
36:57
paying attention. And paying attention to your
37:00
own life, I think is one of the most courageous
37:04
and most consequential things you can do. So
37:10
pause here. Ask yourself, what would it mean?
37:14
for me to interpret this awareness not as evidence
37:18
of failure, but being at the very beginning of
37:23
something. What could become possible if you
37:30
actually chose to start from there? So what do
37:37
we actually do with all of this? I never want...
37:41
to leave you in a place of awareness without
37:44
also giving you something real to carry off into
37:47
your week. The steps I'll offer are not a dramatic
37:52
overhaul. It's not a list of sweeping changes
37:56
that by Wednesday, you're a completely different
37:59
person. They consist of small, honest steps.
38:07
The first step is beginning to notice. When you
38:11
are performing. Not to judge. Not to fix it.
38:19
Well, at least immediately. It's just to notice.
38:24
Start to pay attention to the moments when you
38:27
say yes and you really mean no. The moments when
38:31
you choose what looks right over what feels true
38:35
to yourself. The moments when you edit yourself
38:39
before you speak or when you manage the impression
38:45
rather than offer the reality of who you are.
38:49
You don't need to change all of those moments
38:52
at the same time or even right away. Just start
38:57
seeing them. Start noticing them. Because seeing
39:00
them is what makes it possible. It makes a choice
39:04
possible. When there wasn't really one before
39:07
or one that you could see. The second step is
39:13
to ask yourself a question. It's a simple one
39:16
that I've given to many clients and one that
39:19
continues to reveal a lot, a great deal. The
39:25
question is this, is this true for me or is it
39:29
just familiar? Ask it when you're about to make
39:33
a decision. When you're about to respond in a
39:36
certain way. Like a certain way of an old pattern.
39:43
Or when you feel pulled in a direction you can't
39:46
fully explain. Ask, is this true for me? Does
39:51
it reflect something I actually value? Something
39:54
I actually want? Something that genuinely aligns
40:00
with you and who I am? Or is it just familiar?
40:06
The path I've always taken, the role I've always
40:09
played, the answer I have always given. Not because
40:14
it's mine, but it's because it's known. The difference
40:21
between those two questions is the difference
40:23
between a performed life and a lived one. And
40:28
you will not always be able to answer it clearly
40:32
right away. There's no way. Sometimes the honest
40:35
answer is, you don't know. And that's valid.
40:43
And it's an important answer because I don't
40:46
know yet is the first truly honest thing that
40:51
many of us can say. The third step and the one
40:56
I want you to sit with the longest is to permit
40:59
yourself. To start very small. I mean it. Alignment
41:05
starts in the small moments. One honest conversation.
41:10
One boundary that actually reflects what you
41:15
need. Maybe it's one moment where you let someone
41:19
see a slightly more real version of who you are.
41:25
Those moments will accumulate. Over time, they'll
41:30
build and they become the path to your original
41:37
self, to your true self. The last questions I'll
41:42
ask you are, what is one small honest shift you
41:49
can make this week? Not something enormous, not
41:52
a life overhaul, okay? Just one moment where
41:56
you choose what is true over what is familiar.
42:03
What would that even look like to you? I want
42:08
to leave you with a mindset shift that hopefully
42:11
stays with you. The disconnection you've been
42:15
feeling is not a sign that something's wrong
42:18
with you. It's not ingratitude or weakness. or
42:25
even confusion. It's your original self letting
42:30
you know that it's been waiting. Hear that. It's
42:36
been very patient. Underneath all of that adapting
42:40
and adjusting and ultimately performing, it's
42:44
still intact and very much alive. The performing
42:49
was never who you were. It's what you learned.
42:54
Everything learned can be unlearned. Maybe not
42:59
at all at once, but, or without discomfort, but
43:04
in that slow, steady, honest way, that real change
43:09
always happens. It's one true thing at a time.
43:15
You don't have to blow up your life to come back
43:18
to yourself. Sometimes it starts with something
43:21
you almost miss. It's noticing when you stopped
43:26
being in your own life. And if today was the
43:32
day that you noticed that, then something significant
43:35
has already started. If anything in this episode
43:40
stirred something within you, I'd love to continue
43:44
that conversation. Coaching is where this kind
43:47
of work gets to dig deeper. where you get to
43:51
take the noticing and turn it into something
43:53
real and lasting. You can find me at decotalifecoaching.com
44:00
I genuinely love what I do and I would
44:04
love to work with you. Thank you for being here
44:07
and I will see you next week. Have a wonderful
44:10
day.