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Familiar or Fulfilling? How to Know You've Outgrown Something · Candid Coach Conversations

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  How do you know when you've outgrown something?
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  I'm Kimberly Boyd, founder of Live Life Fully, and welcome to Candid
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  Coach Conversations. Today I have with me Teresa Anderson, certified Live Life
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  Hey!
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  Fully coach. Hey Teresa. So today,
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  as you know, we're talking about like how do you know when
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  you've outgrown something? I mean, I know when I've outgrown a pair
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  of pants.
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  For real.
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  Alright.
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  Socks and
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  that's so weird. Like I don't know about you, but like I'll
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  buy socks that are super cute.
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  I don't buy matching socks most of the time because when I
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  do laundry socks they get put in a thing.
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  I I'm not gonna I do not spend my time matching socks.
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  And if
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  Okay.
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  my husband has socks that match, good for him, I put them
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  in a pile and I'm like, they're your socks, buddy.
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  Anyway, so when I think about outgrowing and I think about socks,
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  I buy these cute socks, they fit, I love them, and then
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  I don't know my
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  My foot is not growing and yet the socks end up being
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  those kind that don't go all the way over to my heel
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  or they I don't know slouchy so I don't know.
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  Anyway, okay, so I know if but then I haven't outgrown the
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  sock, the south sock has shrunk.
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  I d I don't know.
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  How do you know? When you think about your life, how do
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  you know when you've outgrown something?
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  Hmm, I think for me the first thought I have.
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  Even when it feels great.
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  I'm sorry.
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  Go ahead.
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  I said, even when it feels great in the beginning.
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  Hmm. The first thought that comes to my mind is just like,
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  is it familiar or is it fulfilling?
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  the two Fs.
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  Right? I think, yeah.
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  I think we get really cozy with the familiar.
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  It feels good. It's the old dirt road.
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  It's the old sweater. It's that old busted pair of jeans.
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  It's those fuzzy socks that you like that have holes in them.
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  Right?
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  Yeah.
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  And while some of that is good, it's nostalgic, and you're gonna
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  keep it around probably forever, I think when we're thinking like in
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  the coaching experience, or we're thinking about lifestyle, or we're thinking about
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  small changes that we probably need to make for our health or
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  for our better wellbeing, I think that is where we get stuck
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  in familiarity versus fulfillment. Yeah.
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  Yeah, so like thinking about your life, how have you been able
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  to tell when or have you outgrown anything?
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  Maybe it's a relationship, maybe it's a job, like has that happened
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  to you? And if so, how did you realize it and what'd
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  you do?
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  I think
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  so many times, but I'm one of these people who loves change.
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  So I'm not easily
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  But that's
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  stuck into familiarity. In fact, if it's familiar, I gotta go.
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  I've got to force myself to stay still sometimes.
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  Right, right, right, right.
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  So for me, that has not been a struggle personally, but I've
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  always been able to tell when I'm, I stopped just feeling engaged.
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  feel myself kind of floating through things instead of really enjoying my
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  life or feeling connected to either the idea, the job, the person.
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  when I feel that connection start to really just become bland in
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  a way, it's almost like it's like food.
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  all it's seasoning, you know?
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  And I think that's when for me I realized, okay, something's got
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  to give because I'm just not happy.
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  Yeah.
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  Yes.
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  I love that you brought that up a or that you said
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  that Anne. I love that you said it's like food.
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  It's lost its seasoning. That's terrible.
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  Yeah.
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  it's the hospital mashed potatoes or something.
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  yes or
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  Gripes.
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  hospital lighting right you gotta go
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  Yes. Right. And so when it
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  comes to people though, and I I've had this come up and
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  I'm sure you have too.
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  Like out saying you've outgrown a relationship isn't necessarily bad.
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  Right.
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  Like it's not
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  ugly. It's it's really I mean it can be if you behave
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  that way. And it doesn't have to be.
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  And it doesn't mean that you always have to leave or abandon
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  Mm-hmm.
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  the relationship either. I think
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  It goes back to that like that life audit and where am
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  I and what do I want?
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  And is there something like where is my role and my responsibility
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  in this relationship that seems off or I'm not feeling the same
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  amount of joy or I think, gosh, I've outgrown this area?
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  Mm-hmm.
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  Is there something that I can do to bring that spark back?
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  Is there something and I'm not only talking about romantic relationships at
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  all or intimate relationships?
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  can be relationships with coworkers or relationships, friendships, whatever.
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  But
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  Mm-hmm.
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  what is something I can do to bring that spark back and
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  what role am I playing in it feeling as if it I've
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  outgrown it and make decisions
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  Absolutely.
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  around that.
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  I think when it comes to people, is sensitive, right?
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  Because sometimes we're more afraid of disappointing people than we are excited
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  about staying. And we have to get really clear about that, right?
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  Because is it that I've lost the spark for the relationship, meaning
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  I have moved into a space of thinking or thought or mindset
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  rearrangement that we no longer meet in the conversation in the same
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  space and it feels arduous to try
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  try
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  to stay connected to that and then coming to terms with the
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  idea that maybe that just means the relationship has to change.
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  Like maybe you were my five main people and now I need
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  to move you into place 10 or 11 or 12.
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  So I don't have to disengage from the relationship but I have
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  to get clear that it's changed.
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  And I think for me, the only thing you really owe people
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  is the truth. I think honesty.
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  is what you genuinely owe people.
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  So even if it is love, even if it is friendship, even
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  if it is work.
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  the honesty gives them the opportunity to see for themselves also, or
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  maybe to admit to themselves that the relationship feels different for them
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  also, and that it needs to change, it needs to readjust, it
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  needs to move into a different space.
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  Or, hey, our season is up and I'm grateful for your time
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  in my life and I'm so thankful that I got to spend
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  this time with you and I release you in gratitude, right?
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  And so it seems difficult when it comes to people.
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  I know I get it like my heart kind of bleeds even
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  saying some of these things But I also know that it's it's
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  necessary It is necessary even in interpersonal relationships
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  Yes, because there is a personal freedom that comes with that and
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  personal freedom that you're granting.
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  I love that you said that, releasing you with gratitude.
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  I mean that is so beautiful.
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  Yeah.
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  gosh, it'd be so nice if relationships ended on a beautiful note
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  rather than anger
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  you
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  and hostility. you know, I do think
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  Yes.
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  of Ed Milet's story about the bald eagle on his island on
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  Hope Island. And the there were two eagles and one of them
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  passed away, and the female, I believe it was the female eagle
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  that was left, and she started plucking out her feathers and like
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  hitting her beak on the rock, and so he called
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  Mm.
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  the vet back out.
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  He was so worried. He's like, I think she's dying.
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  Like she looks awful. The vet came out, stayed out there on
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  Hope Island for several days observing the eagle, and we finally told
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  Ed, he was like, No, she's not dying.
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  Mm.
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  She is plucking
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  what no longer serves her.
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  And so
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  Mm.
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  she was plucking feathers.
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  Becoming true to herself and then she met a mate and now
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  she has a new mate on Hope Island.
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  So I love that story, and that's something that I do remind
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  myself of when I think about relationships or different clients or jobs
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  or whatever.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  Sometimes it's okay I mean it is always okay.
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  Sometimes you need to take an e an audit and pluck what
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  no longer serves you and what you're no longer serving.
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  Mmm, bingo.
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  Yeah.
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  Which goes back to your truth.
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  Like, that's true.
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  Yeah.
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  That's really something we owe everyone, others and ourselves is the truth.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  Right? And it might hurt, it might sting, and also you're setting
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  them free to find the thing that aligns most well with them
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  and their lives and their needs and their experience.
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  And I think with attachment, right?
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  It's attachment that we're talking about, really.
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  We tend to get stuck in the idea of mine, right?
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  We like to own things.
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  We like to own materials.
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  And oftentimes we try to own people.
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  People
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  are not meant to be owned.
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  They are meant to come and become a part of your life,
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  experience a season, sometimes together, sometimes forever, sometimes just for a summer.
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  And we needed that alignment in that moment.
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  And as we're continuing on our journey, we have to be able
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  to release them in gratitude and say, I don't own you.
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  And I'm so thankful for the time that we got to spend
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  together. And also I have to
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  authentic to the realization that the season between us has ended.
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  And I think that is a beautiful way forward for both people.
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  It doesn't have to be destructive or this like insecure experience of
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  being left or having attachment fall apart and it's somehow my fault
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  or there doesn't have to be this experience of blame that I
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  think that we so quickly move to when really
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  Right.
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  it's just seasonal. Some relationships are seasonal.
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  Correct. Yes. Yes, yes. my god.
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  It's like going into the summer with a winter jacket on, right?
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  We can't go into the summer with a winter jacket on.
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  We have to take the winter jacket off and put on the
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  summer gear. And it's the same with jobs, relationships, different things
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  Yeah.
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  that are seasonal in our lives.
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  So do you have specific questions that you ask yourself that help
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  you evaluate whether it's time to move on or not?
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  Do you have questions that you ask yourself?
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  think when
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  I feel myself constantly trying to resurrect excitement about something, then I
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  realize like, okay, this isn't genuine anymore.
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  I'm having to force myself to be happy about this or to
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  feel connected to it or to feel like passionate about it.
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  So I think when I ask myself, am I trying to resurrect
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  excitement with this situation?
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  Or am I challenging myself to continue in conflict or?
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  in experiencing what drains me?
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  Am I being honest with the person or the people or the
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  establishment that I'm in connection with about what I feel?
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  Because sometimes it's a conversation.
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  Like maybe the relationship hasn't, and it's not time to release it,
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  but it needs to change transition.
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  So our relationship needs to look a little bit different.
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  I have new expectations now, or I have new needs, or these
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  are some unmet needs in this
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  experience that I really need to address.
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  And I might do that first before I do anything else.
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  I might see, there some unmet needs?
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  Is there an experience that can change or transcend to make the
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  relationship fruitful again? And if the answer is no, well, then that
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  is my answer. And so I think those are some of the
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  things that I sit with when I'm thinking about, is it time
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  to transition?
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  I love that. So you really do it sounds like you gain
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  clarity by getting in touch with yourself and identifying the feelings that
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  you have and the feelings that you want to have.
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  Absolutely. Yeah.
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  Yeah, I love that. And I think for me, whenever I want
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  to get in touch with how I'm feeling, how do I wanna
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  feel, I have to get quiet.
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  Yes,
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  Get still and get quiet.
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  get by the water too.
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  Yeah.
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  That's another one. You know
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  another good measure is like when you imagine releasing it, do you
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  feel relief?
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  Mm.
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  Yes.
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  And sometimes the relief still comes with a bit of grief, but
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  is there a sense of real genuine relief?
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  then to me, relief means release.
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  Yeah.
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  It does make me think about you putting all your furniture on
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  Facebook Marketplace and selling it home.
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  Like
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  You had come into a new season.
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  I mean, I'm speaking for you here, but I'm guessing like listening
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  to you and knowing that story, I think, gosh, you were in
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  a new season. You had different feelings about yourself and your surroundings.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  And so you had outgrown something you desperately, or maybe not desperately,
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  that might be a bit extra bit extreme, but something that you
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  really wanted. Like at one point in your life, you really wanted
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  that couch, you really wanted that table, you really wanted those lights
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  and these.
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  different items and then
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  Mm-hmm.
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  you got to the point from what I've heard is this has
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  gotta go. This is not serving me and you weren't serving the
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  furniture. I don't know about y'all but I thank my house every
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  day. Every time I enter my house I say hi house.
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  Even if I don't say it out loud but I greet my
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  Mm-hmm.
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  house
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  and I say goodbye to my house and I thank my house
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  for providing shelter for me.
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  And so I too have outgrown furniture like this is not bringing
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  me joy. And so every time I sit down on it, I'm
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  grumpy about well, I don't want to treat my fur my furniture,
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  I want it to love me and provide comfort.
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  And so, but it does.
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  It makes me think about your furniture story of it's gotta go
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  and put it on Facebook Marketplace, sold all.
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  That's
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  right and I didn't even have replacements yet.
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  I was like this gotta go.
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  Yeah. I'll sit
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  on the floor before I bring anger and turmoil into my house
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  about where I'm sitting and what I'm looking at.
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  And the funny thing is my family thought I was crazy.
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  Like they're looking
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  at me like, why are these random people coming to pick up
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  And it's hilarious. That is hilarious.
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  our furniture?
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  But I think about
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  you
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  it honestly, like really and truly, because yes, it does sound a
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  little extreme or a little cra it sounds however it sounds.
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  Yeah, it is what it is.
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  And
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  when I think about living life fully, I think about
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  I don't want to bring certain emotions into my home.
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  And even if they come in, I don't want them to sit
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  there. And so if I'm uncomfortable or frustrated when I'm seeing something
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  in my home every day that's now become normal, I'm bringing negative
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  Mm-hmm.
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  energy into my house. Well, I don't want to do that.
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  Right.
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  I have outgrown
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  all the negative energy. And I don't want it anymore.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  I think to outgrowing something doesn't mean it was bad.
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  It just served its time.
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  It may have been exactly
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  Yes.
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  right for the person that you used to be, the person that
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  chose it in the first place.
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  Yes.
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  But it's okay
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  to take, like you said, a life audit or even a self
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  audit and
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  Yes.
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  be like, I'm not 35 anymore.
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  I'm not, you know, a single woman.
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  I'm not, I'm right now I'm moving towards empty nesting, right?
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  constantly changing. And so I have to be able to be honest
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  about the changes and about who I want to be in each
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  new season or what the season is asking of me.
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  And that helps me just get real clear.
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  What do I want? What don't I want?
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  And what have I outgrown?
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  And like Marie Kondo, right?
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  She's the lady who goes through her house and she thanks every
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  single piece of material or clothing or thing that has served her.
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  And then she releases it with joy, you know?
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  Right.
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  Sell it at the garage sale or
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  So good.
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  give it away, but it's time to go and that's okay.
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  Yes. Absolutely. So to our list
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  Open and close doors.
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  Yes. So to our listeners, what are you ready to release?
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  Maybe you've outgrown something. What are you ready to release so that
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  you can make room for something else?
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  Teresa, I'm so glad you were here today.
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  I love this conversation about what we've outgrown and how we appreciate
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  things. So thank you very much for coming on the show today.
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  Thank
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  you, bye everyone.
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  Listeners, thank you for joining Candid Coach Conversations.
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  And until next time, live life fully and enjoy every moment.