Latest / Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler / Does This Make Me Funny? With Zosia Mamet

Transcript

Does This Make Me Funny? With Zosia Mamet · Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: Hi.
• 0:03
  Speaker 3: What day is it today?
• 0:04
  Speaker 4: Today's Thursday, because our podcast comes out on Thursday. Yes,
• 0:08
  Speaker 4: and I have some very exciting news for our listeners.
• 0:11
  Speaker 4: I just announced all my tour dates. They just went
• 0:13
  Speaker 4: on sale this week. It's called the Height and Mighty Tour.
• 0:17
  Speaker 4: I will be starting debuting my new material. Well I've
• 0:20
  Speaker 4: already started debuting my new material, but in an organized
• 0:24
  Speaker 4: tour form in February of next year. So I'm coming
• 0:28
  Speaker 4: to Washington, d c Norfolk, Virginia, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Detroit, Michigan, Cleveland, Columbus,
• 0:35
  Speaker 4: and Cincinnati, Ohio, Denver, Colorado, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Springfield, Massachusetts, Chicago,
• 0:43
  Speaker 4: of Course, Indianapolis, Indiana, Louisville, Kentucky, Albuquerque, Masa, Arizona, Kansas City, Missouri,
• 0:51
  Speaker 4: Saint Louis, Missouri, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Nashville, Tennessee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Durham,
• 0:57
  Speaker 4: North of Carolina, Saratoga, California, Monterey, California, Medeesta, California, and
• 1:04
  Speaker 4: port Chester, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: I will be touring.
• 1:13
  Speaker 4: From February through June. Those are the cities that I'm in.
• 1:17
  Speaker 4: Pre sale started last week, so tickets are flying. I
• 1:19
  Speaker 4: haven't added second shows yet, but we probably will be
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: to some of these, So go get your tickets now
• 1:25
  Speaker 4: if you want good seats and you want to come
• 1:27
  Speaker 4: see me perform, I will be on the High and
• 1:29
  Speaker 4: Mighty tour.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Yay, fantastic.
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: What do you have going on this weekend?
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: This weekend?
• 1:35
  Speaker 4: Well, last weekend was more interesting because I got home
• 1:37
  Speaker 4: Friday night at five in the morning. I went to
• 1:39
  Speaker 4: go see The Who at the Hollywood Bowl, which was fun,
• 1:42
  Speaker 4: so much fucking fun. He's eighty one years old, Roger Daltrey.
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: He's a fucking nugget. I was in love with him.
• 1:48
  Speaker 4: Of course had my LSD so that was like had
• 1:50
  Speaker 4: me pumping and he was just so just vivacious. I
• 1:54
  Speaker 4: couldn't believe this guy is eighty one years old. And
• 1:57
  Speaker 4: Pete Townsend and it was just so fucking fun, fun
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: going to the Hollywood Bowl.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: We had a great.
• 2:02
  Speaker 4: Time and then we went out to another party. So
• 2:06
  Speaker 4: I got home late that night, around three. Then the
• 2:08
  Speaker 4: next night I went to Paris Hilton's party, which I
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: thought was a birthday party. But it was a housewarming
• 2:13
  Speaker 4: party to a house I'm pretty sure I've been to before,
• 2:15
  Speaker 4: so I'm not really Anyway, that was a really fun
• 2:18
  Speaker 4: night too, and then I ended up going to another
• 2:20
  Speaker 4: party after that and I was out until six.
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: In the morning. I mean this wild woman.
• 2:25
  Speaker 4: Yeah, this is like me living in my thirties again.
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: And then on Sunday i'd to cancel like I got
• 2:30
  Speaker 4: a there's a uh what are those massages where they
• 2:34
  Speaker 4: kind of go into your you know, the drainage at emphatic? Yeah,
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: I had my Karen was texting me saying, your messuse
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: is here. I'm like what, I'm like, I just got
• 2:44
  Speaker 4: to sleep. No, thank you, Please pay her and tell
• 2:47
  Speaker 4: her I'm sorry. And then canceled about three more things,
• 2:50
  Speaker 4: and then I went to my friend DJs and she
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: made us all dinner for a Sunday night, so lovely.
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: It was a very jam packed weekend. Yeah.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: I am going to the Hollywood Bowl actually for the
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: first time in years this week or no tomorrow to
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: see Pulp.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: Oh. I saw that met Glassenberg did.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Were the right.
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm so excited.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they're like one of my favorite, all time favorite
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: bands and I've never seen the moment.
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: They were amazing. Oh I'm jealous. When are they playing Friday?
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: So it's yeah, it's tomorrow.
• 3:14
  Speaker 4: I'm heading to h Away for the weekend, so I
• 3:16
  Speaker 4: won't be able to go to the Hollywood Boat, but
• 3:18
  Speaker 4: I would have gone back for them.
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: No heck, yeah, yeah for sure.
• 3:21
  Speaker 4: Our guest today is best known for her roles on
• 3:24
  Speaker 4: The Flight Attendant and Girls. She's here to talk about
• 3:27
  Speaker 4: her very new book, Does This Make Me Funny? Please
• 3:30
  Speaker 4: welcome actor and writer Zasha Mammot. Hi, Hi, Katie Pie.
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: How are you?
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: What shake? And bacon?
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: What Shake?
• 3:40
  Speaker 4: And Zasha Mammett is here with us today. She's here
• 3:43
  Speaker 4: promoting her new book. This is not her first book.
• 3:46
  Speaker 4: This is her second book because she wrote, well, a
• 3:48
  Speaker 4: kind of a cookbook.
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: And a kind of a memoir.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: I don't know, well, it was an anthology, so like,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: I didn't entirely write it myself. I got I, like
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: hoodwinked a bunch of other really smart, talented people to
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: write it for me.
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: That's what I do when I get bored with anything.
• 4:05
  Speaker 4: I'm like, how do I continue this without actually contributing?
• 4:08
  Speaker 4: But this book you did write yourself, and this is
• 4:11
  Speaker 4: more of a memoir, I would say, right.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that word makes me want to like pull my
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: teeth out one by one.
• 4:17
  Speaker 4: But yes, does it make your vagina close tight? When
• 4:20
  Speaker 4: things really annoy me, my vagina starts to hurt or shut. Yeah,
• 4:24
  Speaker 4: just like, why why do you hate the word memoir?
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: I feel like I don't like deserve to have written
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: a memoir.
• 4:31
  Speaker 4: I guess, Okay, well that's a great place to start,
• 4:33
  Speaker 4: because this whole book is basically you not believing you
• 4:37
  Speaker 4: deserve anything, which is before you got on. Catherine and
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: I were talking about you, comparing it. She was saying
• 4:45
  Speaker 4: it's generational, and I was missing. I was like, no,
• 4:48
  Speaker 4: it's it's it's your whole generation that doesn't feel deserving
• 4:52
  Speaker 4: of things. And she's like no, she was talking about
• 4:53
  Speaker 4: your father, who's David Mammott, of course, having it. And
• 4:57
  Speaker 4: I was like, isn't that intergenerational. That would be like
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: the whole family doesn't feel like they're enough.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, sure.
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: But I think it is both things.
• 5:04
  Speaker 4: It's intergenerational and generational. If we're getting down to the
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: brass tacks of things, see, it's all of the above.
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: It's all of the above.
• 5:12
  Speaker 4: Anyway, it's a book of essays, and that's a better
• 5:14
  Speaker 4: way to describe it. That's how I describe my books
• 5:16
  Speaker 4: as well, because I've written so many that how could
• 5:18
  Speaker 4: it possibly be a memoir?
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: Even though each one is.
• 5:21
  Speaker 4: They are just essays and stories that I want to share,
• 5:24
  Speaker 4: which this book does.
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: And the book is called does This Make Me Funny?
• 5:28
  Speaker 4: And there's a really really adorable picture of you on
• 5:31
  Speaker 4: the cover as a little girl. So I want to
• 5:34
  Speaker 4: talk about you calling yourself a b minus NEPO baby
• 5:37
  Speaker 4: at best. I want to talk a little bit about
• 5:42
  Speaker 4: Nepo babies because I.
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: Just had this conversation.
• 5:44
  Speaker 4: I went to the US Open and Jessica Pagoula, who
• 5:47
  Speaker 4: was playing at the US Open. I don't know if
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: you're familiar with her. She's a great tennis player. She
• 5:51
  Speaker 4: made it to like I guess, the semi finals. Her
• 5:54
  Speaker 4: father is some big magnate of some business. I'm not
• 5:57
  Speaker 4: sure which one. He's a billionaire though right. He had
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: come into the US Open on his mega yacht to
• 6:03
  Speaker 4: watch her at the at the finals, and and there
• 6:06
  Speaker 4: were people talking about that, and I was with my
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: trainer talking about it, and he goes, it makes me
• 6:11
  Speaker 4: so crazy that anyone could say, think that you could
• 6:14
  Speaker 4: get to that level just because your father has money,
• 6:18
  Speaker 4: And I said, well, it's about money and access, But
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: at the end of the day, you have to have
• 6:23
  Speaker 4: the talent to sustain your ability to get more than
• 6:27
  Speaker 4: one job. If you're going to base that on one job,
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: it's not like your parents. You're in every movie with
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: your fucking father, you know, and every show with your father.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: Look like Jessica Springsteen had parents who could allot her
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: the opportunity, but like Bruce Springsteen did not get her
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: to the Olympics.
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: Also, like Bruce Springsteen sings and she rides horses.
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: So it's so fucking and like.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: Maybe my family is like slightly closer together, but like
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm and I now have written a book, but
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: like I certainly wasn't doing exactly what my dad did.
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: No, And also, nepotism doesn't replace talent.
• 7:11
  Speaker 4: People aren't going to continue to hire somebody because of
• 7:15
  Speaker 4: their parents.
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: Like that's just not the way that it works.
• 7:18
  Speaker 4: When there's other people that could be more talented if
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: they if they could hire them, they're hiring them a favor.
• 7:23
  Speaker 4: It happens once, it doesn't happen over and over and
• 7:27
  Speaker 4: over again. And also with regard to Jessica, like there's
• 7:30
  Speaker 4: this background story when she had withstood like major back injuries,
• 7:34
  Speaker 4: major rehabilitation, major like things that went awry earlier in
• 7:39
  Speaker 4: her career that she had to recover from, and also
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: you know, have a determination to actually improve upon and
• 7:45
  Speaker 4: get better and better.
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: So arguably she had to fight even harder.
• 7:49
  Speaker 4: And what I would say is, in my experience in
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: this business, I find that people who have famous parents
• 7:56
  Speaker 4: like yourself, actually many times have to work harder.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: It's interesting. I was having that conversation with Billy Lord
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: recently and we're talking about how love Billy. I think
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: she's the best ever.
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, she's so great.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: But like, there is this misconception that we are handed
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: it so easily and that we don't have to work
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: hard for it, and people forget that you do actually
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: have to be good at what you're doing. And so
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I think people often try to create higher, harder, more
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: obstacles for us because they've like they're like they have
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: a chip on their shoulder about it.
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: Absolutely, that's what I think, and it's not a blanket statement.
• 8:36
  Speaker 4: I'm sure there are some celebrity kids that you know,
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: maybe aren't that talented that are getting more opportunities than others.
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: But you almost have to prove yourself even more because
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: people are like, oh, well, you're not just gonna fly
• 8:47
  Speaker 4: by on your mother or your father's name.
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: You actually have to prove yourself.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: And I'm sure that this isn't the case for everybody,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: But like Billy and I were talking, really it's not
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: as if our parents were like, here's a fully financed
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: movie with a leading role for you that's gonna hopefully
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: win you and Oscar, Like they were not helping us
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: in any way, Like my dad never gave me a job.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: My dad never told someone else to give me a job.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Like you know, we were just saying, our parents aren't
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: just handing out legs up you know, here, there and everywhere.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: We happened to have maybe access, And I honestly think
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: the greatest thing that growing up in a famous family
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: in the industry allotted me was knowledge, Like I just
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: got to see what it was actually like, so I
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: went into it without any misconceptions.
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: But that's also another point.
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: It's like, if you have two parents that are in
• 9:43
  Speaker 4: the industry of entertainment, it's not like you're going to
• 9:46
  Speaker 4: be attracted to plumbing and you're gonna say, oh, I
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: want it, or accounting or any of the other vocations.
• 9:53
  Speaker 4: It's natural for children to have two parents that are
• 9:57
  Speaker 4: in some industry to also become a person that is
• 10:00
  Speaker 4: in that industry.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, even if their lawyers are a plumber.
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: Like you said, get very defensive on your behalf. I
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: hope you can. I hope you can feel my aggravation.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Fantastic.
• 10:09
  Speaker 4: I sound like I'm an EPO baby, but I wanted
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: to be an EPO baby.
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: That would have been a dream come true for me.
• 10:15
  Speaker 4: But no, Okay, this is something that that you talk
• 10:18
  Speaker 4: about in the very first chapter or the introduction of
• 10:21
  Speaker 4: your book that I just want to read on the
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: podcast because I thought it was so fucking bold and
• 10:24
  Speaker 4: great and such a thing that a man could do.
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: She's talking about her dad.
• 10:29
  Speaker 4: And he walked in to a producer in Chicago with
• 10:33
  Speaker 4: a copy of his first Broadway play, American Buffalo, and
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: without a penny to his name. He threw the play
• 10:38
  Speaker 4: down on the producer's desk they had hard copies in
• 10:41
  Speaker 4: those days, and said, if that play doesn't win the
• 10:44
  Speaker 4: Pulitzer Prize, I'll pay you five thousand dollars.
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: It did not, but the next one did.
• 10:49
  Speaker 4: The brazenness of that and the confidence of that is like,
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: it's what I want for every woman to feel.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: I know, it's pretty crazy, right, like never a day,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: never a day in my life, or if I did
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: that immediately followed by an apology.
• 11:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, I mean, we still say we're sorry if
• 11:15
  Speaker 4: we cough, yeah, I'm sorry.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: I could get to the point of doing it, and
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: then the second I had finished being like I am
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: powerful woman, hear me where I'd be like, I'm so sorry.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: That was really inappropriate. I didn't actually I'm I'm going
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: to leave your lunches on me, like yeah.
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: I also hate when we say I'm sorry. When we
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: start to cry, we always go i'm so sorry. It's like,
• 11:37
  Speaker 4: why why are we sorry that we're crying we're feeling emotions.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: When we correct someone else's mistake, it's like, I'm sorry,
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: but this is actually no.
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: Yeah, don't know, I know, I know, there's so much
• 11:46
  Speaker 4: there's too much material to talk about that.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, please, sorry, but you're reading that book upside down.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I'm really sorry, but.
• 11:52
  Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, you say something here on this is something
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: I talk a lot about on this podcast, whether it's writers, actors.
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: If you say I didn't yet have the career I want,
• 12:02
  Speaker 4: and I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about
• 12:04
  Speaker 4: women my age who do and wishing them not harm
• 12:07
  Speaker 4: per se, but maybe hoping that they change their names
• 12:09
  Speaker 4: and move to Siberia for a few years and give
• 12:12
  Speaker 4: me a shot at bat for a while. To most people,
• 12:14
  Speaker 4: I've had a very successful career, for which I am
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: intertally grateful.
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: I would like to talk about jealousy a little bit
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: and envy.
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: Because I also feel like that is a healthy, normal
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: feeling for anyone in any any part of the world.
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: It doesn't matter what industry you are in to feel
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: there is nothing wrong with feeling envy. It's acting on
• 12:35
  Speaker 4: envy where things become problematic. So I love that you
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: wrote that in the book. Do you want to talk
• 12:41
  Speaker 4: a little bit about that.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I do think that it's normal. I think it
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: would be weird if we didn't feel that way. I
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: do think that it can reach an unhealthy, abnormal level
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: in this industry, specifically amongst women, because I think we're
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: fed this idea in the entertainment industry. I mean, I
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: don't know I guess, being women in general in any industry,
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: that there's a finite amount of pie to be had,
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: and so if someone else gets a piece of it,
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: that means that there's less for you. And I just
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: don't think at the end of the day that that's
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: actually accurate. I think that that's untrue, and like, if
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: you want to get really heavy, part of me is like,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: is that a deep seated move on the patriarchy, because
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: like if we were to all band together, we would
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: just be too fucking powerful to like kind of pit
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: us against each other.
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: I think that's absolutely true. I mean that's the whole
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: point of it.
• 13:48
  Speaker 4: I mean, because women are just now coming to the
• 13:51
  Speaker 4: realization that we're stronger together, you know, and that all
• 13:54
  Speaker 4: ships do rise with the tide.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: I think that's really accurate. I think they all I
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: have to say out a lot, but I think this
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: is an industry that is so success oriented, Like it's
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: you're not getting brownie points for the script you wrote
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: that didn't get produced, you know, like, and the most talented,
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: nice person doesn't always get the job, and so I
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: think it can foster a sort of unhealthy comparison game.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I was just gonna say comparison. Yeah, and so I
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: think I think that it is healthy to a certain extent.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: I think it is one thousand percent normal. But I think,
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: specifically in this industry, I do a lot of work
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: trying to check myself of just like mem it, stay
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: in your own lane, Just stay in your like stop
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: doing this, and just like stay in your own lane.
• 14:47
  Speaker 4: You have a pretty heartbreaking chapter in here about school
• 14:50
  Speaker 4: as a young girl and going to school because your
• 14:52
  Speaker 4: parents split up before you were even a year old,
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: and then you were living in Cambridge initially, right, and
• 14:57
  Speaker 4: then you moved with your mother, and then that created
• 15:00
  Speaker 4: some separation between you and your dad, and then they
• 15:02
  Speaker 4: both went on to have other children and other families.
• 15:06
  Speaker 4: So your first kind of formative years at school were brutal.
• 15:10
  Speaker 4: It was kind of, you know, really triggering to read,
• 15:13
  Speaker 4: because I mean, we've all been there, you know, and
• 15:16
  Speaker 4: some worse than others, but yours sounded like you withstood
• 15:20
  Speaker 4: that trauma for as long as you possibly could and
• 15:24
  Speaker 4: then had to say I can't do this anymore.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and like too long looking back on it. But
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: also I was a kid and I didn't know I
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: didn't really know that I could say that, but yeah,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: it got to the point where I was unable to
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: handle it. Like those all the kids, but I think
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: those girls in particular were really They just seemed to
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: live to make my life miserable.
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: Tell why don't you tell us the story about the
• 15:54
  Speaker 4: birthday party and revealing being invited to the birthday party
• 15:59
  Speaker 4: and having to call and find out what time it was.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, this is like a perfect example. They
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: would pull this shit all the time. They would sort
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: of lure me into asking a question about some things.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: They were talking about something in front of me, and
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: I was like, well, are you guys talking about They
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: were like, oh, we're talking about I forget what I
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: renamed the d's birthday party. Yeah, And I was like, oh,
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: when is it? They were like, it's on Saturday. It
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: was like what time. They're like, we're not sure. You
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: should call her and ask what time it is, like
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: she hasn't told any of us, so we're waiting to
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: find out. And I was like, okay, great. So then
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: I go home and I call Evie and I'm like, hey, Evy,
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: all the girls were talking about your birthday party on Saturday,
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: and they told me to call you and ask what
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: time it is? What time is it? And then she
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: started hysterically sobbing and hung up the phone. And then
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: I get a call from a bunch of the girls,
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: you know, a couple of minutes later, chastising me for
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: ruining Evie's surprise birthday party. So they would just set
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: these traps for me. Mind games, one thousand percent mind games.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: They were full like Machiavellian. These young little blonde ladies,
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: I mean, young little.
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: Girls are brutal.
• 17:11
  Speaker 4: And for every woman here who's listening to this podcast,
• 17:13
  Speaker 4: like anyone who has children, it is so important to
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: teach your children kindness and compassion and not to be bullies.
• 17:22
  Speaker 4: Like I've had friends whose daughters have been billies and
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: they were in complete denial about it because they chose
• 17:29
  Speaker 4: to believe their daughter was a bully.
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: It is so important. I mean, it is tortuous when you.
• 17:34
  Speaker 4: Are young and in defend like you don't know how
• 17:37
  Speaker 4: to defend yourself, and you don't know where to go
• 17:39
  Speaker 4: or who to talk to, and you know, it leads
• 17:42
  Speaker 4: to so many problems in life. And for like, I
• 17:45
  Speaker 4: saw this beautiful video yesterday on Instagram of this boy
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: wrestling at this wrestling match, and he was wrestling this
• 17:53
  Speaker 4: kid who had cerebral palsy, whose.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: Team allowed him to compete.
• 17:57
  Speaker 4: You know, at this level, they were looked like they
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: were in sixth or seventh grade. And the kid from
• 18:02
  Speaker 4: the other school immediately recognized, you know, how easy it
• 18:05
  Speaker 4: would be to beat this kid, and he sat there
• 18:07
  Speaker 4: with him and let him, like slowly, slowly help this
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: guy wrestle him to the ground so that he would
• 18:14
  Speaker 4: win that match. And every comment was like, whoever raised
• 18:18
  Speaker 4: this boy did such a beautiful job, Like, and that's
• 18:22
  Speaker 4: what I think about with regard to bullying. It's like
• 18:25
  Speaker 4: your parents have to be paying attention to how their children,
• 18:28
  Speaker 4: especially young girls, because they are brutal. And I know
• 18:31
  Speaker 4: that we have problems with young boys too, but girls
• 18:34
  Speaker 4: are just so mean to each other, and like, you
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: cannot have your child behaving that way. And it's very
• 18:40
  Speaker 4: illustrative in this book of what you went through, so
• 18:42
  Speaker 4: I think people are going to really like you know,
• 18:44
  Speaker 4: I know I went through somehow growing up too.
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: And then you end up becoming a bully.
• 18:48
  Speaker 4: You either end up retreating and having an eating disorder,
• 18:52
  Speaker 4: this disorder, you know, having no self esteem, or you
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: end up becoming the bully that bullied you in order
• 18:57
  Speaker 4: to defend yourself. So your story is also great because
• 19:02
  Speaker 4: that woman or that girl at the time, who's named
• 19:05
  Speaker 4: Evie in the book, comes to see.
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: You during were You? Was it the play on Broadway?
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: When she came with her father?
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: We were off Broadway? Was the play that I met
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: my husband doing. We were doing it at the Littel.
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: And tell us what happened she came.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So I left one night and the security guard
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: told me that someone had left a note for me
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: while we were on stage. I and he gave me
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: the note. And I hadn't thought about this girl. It's
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: in over a decade, and I guess she and her
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: dad had been walking by the theater and they had
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: seen my name on the marquee and they'd written a
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: note and left it with the box office. And it
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: was in her like you know, little curly cue scirwl
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: and she's like, oh my god, Sash, We're so proud
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: of you. And it just made my blood run cold.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: It like took me back to being that little girl
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: with her playing these horrible nine games on me, and
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: it made me so angry because I think that feeling
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: pride for someone innately involves a type of ownership is
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: the wrong word, but like you had a hand in that.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: When you're like, I'm so proud of you, it normally
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: means that like you have a deep connection to that person,
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: or maybe you had a hand in them accomplishing whatever
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: this thing was. And it made me so deeply furious.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: I was like, you don't get to be proud of me.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: You don't get to have that. And I tore up
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: the note and I ground it into the New York
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: sidewalk with my boot.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: So you don't know that they saw the play, you
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: just did? They didn't.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: It literally just walked by and saw my name on
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: the marquee, which also I was just like, that's okay, okay,
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: I don't know. It wasn't even like they paid for
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: and bought a ticket and came to see what I did.
• 21:00
  Speaker 4: Right exactly, Let's talk about your eating disorder. And I
• 21:04
  Speaker 4: say that in an upbeat tone for no reason whatsoever,
• 21:08
  Speaker 4: but just because I'm assuming that you're out of the
• 21:11
  Speaker 4: woods on that issue, Am I correct?
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Now? O? Good?
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: You talk a lot.
• 21:15
  Speaker 4: About this and about this number in your head, one
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: hundred pounds, one hundred pounds that.
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: Was the right weight.
• 21:21
  Speaker 4: And even when you went underneath one hundred pounds to
• 21:25
  Speaker 4: ninety two pounds to ninety three pounds, you were sick,
• 21:28
  Speaker 4: you were using drugs, you were partying, you were escaping.
• 21:33
  Speaker 4: Talk to us a little bit about that for the
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: people that are listening, with children and girls that are
• 21:38
  Speaker 4: experiencing that that are listening.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: You know, I think the biggest misconception about an eating
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: disorder is that that it's about the weight and that
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: it's about the food, which, like, obviously, yes, that is
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: an aspect of it, but at its core, it's about control,
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: and it's born from this need to control when you
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: feel out of control, and so food and your weight
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: feel like these very tangible things, when like the thing
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: that probably is making you feel out of control is
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: not tangible whatsoever. Like for me, it was my circumstance,
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: my surroundings, the kids that I was in school with,
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: my home life, and so my anxiety eating disorder brain
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: latched onto this number that felt like if I can
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: just achieve that number, then all of these feelings of
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: fear and worthlessness and sadness will go away and I
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: will finally feel safe. But obviously that wasn't true because
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: I hit that number and none of those feelings went
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: away and I didn't feel safe, and so I was like, Okay,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: well maybe it's still that number, but I just have
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: to try harder. It's like your brain starts to make
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: excuses as to why the thing you've decided is the
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: answer is still the answer, when obviously it very much isn't.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: And so I just kept trying to reach one hundred pounds.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: It was a sort of amorphous goal in my mind
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: that seemed like the silver bullet to all of my problems,
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: and it really wasn't. It was actually just slowly killing me.
• 23:26
  Speaker 4: And how did you finally come out of that? Did
• 23:29
  Speaker 4: you go into treatment?
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: I almost went into in treatment. I didn't, And honestly,
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: looking back on it, I do not envy a parent
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: who is dealing with this. I can only like it
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: was obviously hard for me. I think it was so
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: much harder for my dad to feel helpless as well
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: on the other side of it. And I'm sure it
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: is so hard to put a kid in treatment, and
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: he tried, and I fought back really hard, and I
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: honestly wish that I had, because I think my recovery
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: would of taken is law, you know. I think in
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: treatment programs are there for a reason. But really I
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: have my dad to credit with finally turning the ship around.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: I was really in a bad way. I'd seen a
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: lot of doctors who basically were like, you are You're dying,
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: that's what's happening. Like your body is disintegrating and you're dying.
• 24:21
  Speaker 4: And how brittle your bones were that they told you, like,
• 24:24
  Speaker 4: you know, if you fell down, you could potentially break
• 24:26
  Speaker 4: your pelvis like that. You had just had no nutrition.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: No nutrition, Yeah, I had. I had arthritis. I couldn't
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: ride horses anymore. I could like barely walk up a
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: set of stairs like I had. I had issues with
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: my heart. It was it was really bad. And my
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: dad came home from a dinner party one night where
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: he'd sat next to someone whose daughter had recently gone
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: through the same thing and had sort of come out
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: the other side, and he ended up opening up to
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: her and she talked to him for the whole dinner party,
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: and she gave him the number of this woman who
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: then become my therapist, who was incredible and fully saved
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: my life. But he came home and I was up
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: reading in my bedroom and he came into my room
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: and he sat on my bed, and my dad, as
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: I'm sure you can imagine, is like a very strong,
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: oftentimes very stoic person, and I'd never seen him cry,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: and he started crying and he put his head in
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: my lap and he said, you have to promise me
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: that you won't die, and you just kept saying it
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: over and over again. And it was the first time
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: that I realized that what was happening to me wasn't
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: just about me, and it was really my wake up call.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: And I realized that if I died, it wouldn't just
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: affect me, it would also affect him. And I was like, Okay, well,
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: I don't want to do that to him. I don't
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: really care about me yet, but I don't want to
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: do that to him. Yeah.
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: Wow, that's really moving.
• 25:59
  Speaker 4: It's amazing when you know somebody can say something like
• 26:02
  Speaker 4: that to you and it has the impact that is
• 26:04
  Speaker 4: strong enough to make you quit the thing, or to
• 26:07
  Speaker 4: make you understand that you have to quit the thing
• 26:09
  Speaker 4: that is going to destroy you and destroy the lives
• 26:12
  Speaker 4: of the people that love you. Yeah, okay, let's talk
• 26:15
  Speaker 4: about some let's talk about girls. Let's talk about getting
• 26:18
  Speaker 4: that role and working with Lena and how that experience
• 26:23
  Speaker 4: changed your life. I mean, first of all, best fucking
• 26:26
  Speaker 4: show ever, so great, so fucking awesome. I mean I
• 26:29
  Speaker 4: remember watching that show the first time. I was like,
• 26:31
  Speaker 4: this is going to be a huge because I think
• 26:33
  Speaker 4: I was interviewing Lena.
• 26:34
  Speaker 3: Probably on Chelsea Lately or maybe my other talk show.
• 26:37
  Speaker 4: And I so I saw it before it was out
• 26:40
  Speaker 4: and I got to watch the whole series. I was like,
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: this is going to be fucking huge, And of course
• 26:45
  Speaker 4: it was because it was just exactly what everybody needed.
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: It was like your generations, Sex and the City just
• 26:52
  Speaker 4: such a coming of age in New York City, so funny,
• 26:55
  Speaker 4: so well cast, all of everybody in it was incredible.
• 26:58
  Speaker 4: So tell us about getting that part. How that happened.
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: I was shooting this movie. This is like truly terrible
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: indie film in upstate New York with horrible conditions, like
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: you know, nineteen twenty hour days all told in we
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: were meant to be cheating early September, and it was
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: late October and it was the coldest October on record.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: It was so cold that the farmers were all like
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: there will be no pumpkins for Halloween because our crops
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: have frozen. So it was like some sort of record
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: breaking cold. And I was always basically ninety percent of
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: the movie was exteriors, and I was always in this
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: tank top trash bag dress. It was like literally a
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: dress made of trash bags that I had to get
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: ironed into every day, which is really, looking back on it,
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: like should have been my first sign that this was
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: not going to be a good experience because I was
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: like literally wearing trash And I got this audition. We
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: were shooting six day weeks, so I had one day off,
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: and I convinced this young pa not to go to
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: church with her husband and her newborn baby and instead
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: stay behind and help me film this audition in our
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: production office, which was an abandoned barn that had very
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: bad WI FI. And I'm pretty technologically inept, so we
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: filmed the audition. It takes me like seven hours to
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: get the tape to send to my agent, which almost
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: doesn't happen. At like hour three or four, I was like,
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: I give up, I can't get this to send to
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: keep saying your file is too large, and he was like, please, please, please, please,
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: I really need your tape. I think this show is
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: going to be a really big deal. So I finally
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: get in my tape. I end up getting the job.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: We happen to have the Monday off that the table
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: read is scheduled for in Manhattan, And at this point
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: I've developed pneumonia from these long days shooting in the
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: colds in my trash back dress. But the producers have
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: paid off a local doctor to tell me that I
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: just have a head cold so that I can keep working.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: They pay How did you find that out the PA's talk,
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean? So the woman who was
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: like the PA that I spent the most time with
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: ended up giving me the skinny. Also, I sort of
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: put it together anyways, because she kept showing up and
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: listening to me, like breathing, and literally it sounded like,
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: you know, like a water cooler in my lungs. There
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: was so much fluid. And she would be like, just
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: take some echinesia, and I was like, I feel like
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: we're beyond that.
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah, achanesia.
• 29:41
  Speaker 4: And it's like when people talk about melotonin, it's like place.
• 29:44
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: I was so sick. I was like at Death Store.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: I would cough so hard i'd throw up like it
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: was not cute. So I came in that Sunday night
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: before and I stayed with a friend of mine in
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: the city, and I was like, I really want to
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: be I want to be on my A game tomorrow.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: I was super nervous. It's like, I need to get
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: a good night's sleep so I can like be with
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: it tomorrow morning. So I took some niightq Wuill and
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: I I'm sure I took Nike Will before this, but
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: I don't really have a recollection of doing so. But
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: I now know that Nike Will and I don't mesh well.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: I don't remember much about the following morning. I remember
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: getting in the car, I remember it was raining, I
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: remember getting to Silver Crep Studios, walking into the table Read.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: I remember being introduced to Lena Dunham and Jedd Apatout
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: and shaking their hands, and then I literally do not
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: remember anything, like nothing. It is a full void until
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: I woke up on my friend's floor who I was
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: staying with, like drenched in sweat, and I had this
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: weird sort of fever dream recollection that I in the
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: middle of the table read had like projectile vomited on
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: the table, but I also didn't know if that was
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: real or not because I was still sort of in
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: a niqual haze. So I called my agent freaking out
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: and I was like, so this may have happened, but
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure, and he was like, Okay, calm down,
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: I'm sure it's gonna be fine. I'm gonna call the executives.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: I'll get back to you. Meanwhile, I had to like
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: get on a train and high tail it back to
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: hell Town, upstate New York, finished shooting this movie that
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: I wore a trash bag dress in and I don't
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: hear from him for a full week, during which I'm like, yeah,
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: that face exactly.
• 31:51
  Speaker 3: I'm I'm like like, don't you how did you not?
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: Did you to call him and call him?
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: And Gallo yeah, and he like I would call him,
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: but he was like, I haven't heard from them, and
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god. So obviously I'm fired,
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: Like for sure, no question, I'm fired, But like, beyond that,
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: they're going to tell everybody I'm a drug addict. They're
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: going to tell everybody not to work with me, Like
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I'm fucked. So then after a week of just full spiral,
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: he calls me, and he's like, the reason it took
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: them so long to get back to us is that
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: they were amending your contract. They loved what you did
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: so much at the table read that they want to
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: make you a series regular because initially the show was
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: written for three girls, not four, and they were like,
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: they want to make you the fourth girl.
• 32:41
  Speaker 4: Oh that's so fucking awesome. I mean, who knows what
• 32:46
  Speaker 4: happened during that table read. Maybe that's how you should
• 32:49
  Speaker 4: go into all table reads truly.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: I'm like, do I just take Nike will always?
• 32:54
  Speaker 4: You should just get like a vaccine the day you
• 32:56
  Speaker 4: have to go it. Yeah, yeah, Jesse, I just got
• 33:00
  Speaker 4: my polio booster vaccine yesterday since there's polio going around
• 33:03
  Speaker 4: all all of a sudden again. And they were like, oh,
• 33:06
  Speaker 4: you might be sick for the next few days. And
• 33:08
  Speaker 4: I was like, oh, that's what you're describing. I mean,
• 33:10
  Speaker 4: basically I could have symptoms. I don't have them, but
• 33:13
  Speaker 4: because I'm a fucking horse. But oh, that's really funny.
• 33:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And so what was it like, how was it?
• 33:19
  Speaker 3: How was it? What was it like working with Lena
• 33:21
  Speaker 3: and the other girls.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: It was just a dream, like that whole we shot
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: that show all told from like shooting the pilot to
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: our last episode was seven years.
• 33:30
  Speaker 4: I spent my twenties shooting that show. I like the
• 33:33
  Speaker 4: number seven as a time of work. I feel like
• 33:35
  Speaker 4: the reason that there's a phrase of seven year itch
• 33:37
  Speaker 4: because it's so true, Like seven years is a great
• 33:40
  Speaker 4: amount of time to spend in a relationship on a job,
• 33:43
  Speaker 4: Like seven years is a good like chunk, and it's
• 33:47
  Speaker 4: it doesn't take away like it's a great addition.
• 33:50
  Speaker 3: And it doesn't.
• 33:51
  Speaker 4: It's not too long when you like when you have
• 33:53
  Speaker 4: a good experience with something. It's just the perfect amount
• 33:56
  Speaker 4: of time. I think there's something about the number seven.
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: It's a good about it.
• 34:01
  Speaker 3: Okay, so we're going to take a break.
• 34:02
  Speaker 4: We'll take a break right now, and we'll be right
• 34:04
  Speaker 4: back with Zasha Mabbot.
• 34:06
  Speaker 5: This week.
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: We're looking for folks to write in. If you're in
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: the middle of a career transition, and especially if you've
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: just been fired, please write into Dear Chelsea podcast at
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: gmail dot com.
• 34:19
  Speaker 3: And we're back with Zasha Mabbott.
• 34:21
  Speaker 4: Okay, So, this book is filled with lots of stories.
• 34:25
  Speaker 4: Some are really sad, some are really sweet, and some
• 34:28
  Speaker 4: are really moving. And some are really really funny. Yes,
• 34:30
  Speaker 4: I would say this book. I think this book does
• 34:32
  Speaker 4: make you funny. That's the title of the book. Does
• 34:34
  Speaker 4: this make me funny? I think you're already funny. So
• 34:37
  Speaker 4: it was good that you put it down on paper.
• 34:39
  Speaker 4: How did you decide to write this right now?
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: So it wasn't my decision. When I pitched that book
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: my first Popsicle, the woman who ended up becoming my
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: editor at Penguins, woman Meg Letter, who's amazing, had asked
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: if I would consider doing a two book deal and
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: doing Popsicle Verse, but then and following it up with
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: the book of essays.
• 35:02
  Speaker 3: And this was like.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: Five years ago at this point, maybe more.
• 35:07
  Speaker 4: That's a very interesting way for the publishing industry to
• 35:09
  Speaker 4: work before you've proven yourself, to give you offer you
• 35:12
  Speaker 4: a two book deal.
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: Though, Well, I think she'd read my essays in Glamor,
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: and so I think she was like, Oh, I've since
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: learned that anthologies are very hard. They're hard for people
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: to put together, they're hard for people to sell. I
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: was like, what could be cooler than like a bunch
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: of amazing people all in the same place writing their stories.
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: But I guess I'm sort of maybe alone in that
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: or I'm not that's not the popular thought. So she
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: kind of agreed to do my anthology essay idea, but
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: really what she had wanted was this book of essays,
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: and I was super shocked that she asked for that.
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: I was like, I mean, I write this column for Glamor.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: Who wants to read a full book of my essays?
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: But I said yes because I'm an actor and I'll
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: say yes to any job anyone wants to give me
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: that they pay me money for pretty much. I just
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: like didn't think it would ever actually happen, Like I
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: think in my brain, I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: saying yes to this, but we're going to do this
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: anthology and then like I don't know, but they'll probably
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: forget about this one, or they'll like change their mind
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: or something. And it takes so long to write and
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: publish a book. I mean, you know, it's like it
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: takes like seven thousand years from the moment procise.
• 36:37
  Speaker 4: It could only be described as tedious and annoying because
• 36:41
  Speaker 4: you are so creative, you feel like you're putting so
• 36:44
  Speaker 4: much in and then what follows all the creative bursts
• 36:48
  Speaker 4: and blasts and all of this like Catharsis and sharing
• 36:54
  Speaker 4: is so tedious the book. You know, once they put
• 36:57
  Speaker 4: the book actually together, it's just like one task after
• 37:00
  Speaker 4: another that you're like, way to take the fucking fun
• 37:02
  Speaker 4: out of this.
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: By the time we were talking about what kind of
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: font like the numbers would be next to that, I
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: was just like, I'm out, Just I don't care.
• 37:13
  Speaker 3: You could do it my last book. For the cover.
• 37:15
  Speaker 4: I was like, can you just find a fucking shot
• 37:16
  Speaker 4: that matches what we're doing? Like, do we really need
• 37:18
  Speaker 4: to do a photo shoot for this cover? They're like,
• 37:21
  Speaker 4: most people get excited about this.
• 37:22
  Speaker 3: I'm like, not me. I'm not excited to shoot another
• 37:24
  Speaker 3: book cover.
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: That was the one thing that I really held Firman,
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: though I knew that I wanted my buddy Danny Sangre
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: to design the cover. He's an incredible filmmaker, he'sil's an
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: amazing visual artist, and he is one of my dearest
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: friends and knows me so well. I just have to
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: be like, Danny, can you do my cover? And he'll
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: make it perfect. And they kept sending me these options
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: that were like great, but just I was like no,
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: and they made me jump through so many because I
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: now know they like to keep it internal, and I
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: just was like, every time they would send me an
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: email with options, I would write back, can Danny please
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: design my cover? And they finally said yes, But we
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: did Popsicle. I loved doing it because I wrote one
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: essay and then I just got it to edit a
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: bunch of other brilliant people's work and by edit basically
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: be like, thanks so much, it looks great. So when
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: we when that came out, I was like, Okay, Meg,
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: my editor, can we do another one of these? And
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: she was like, well, no, because now you have to
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: write your book. And I was like, right, but can
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: we do another one of these? And I'll do that
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: after And she was like no, because you're contractually obligated
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: to write this book first.
• 38:37
  Speaker 4: Okay, we're going to take a couple of callers and
• 38:39
  Speaker 4: give them advice life advice, Sasha, Okay, that's what we
• 38:42
  Speaker 4: do here, Dear Chelsea. Yeah, let's do it. Nothing better
• 38:45
  Speaker 4: than an outside perspective. What do we got, Catherine. Well,
• 38:48
  Speaker 4: our first caller is Alex. He says, Dear Chelsea. I'm
• 38:51
  Speaker 4: a thirty six year old gay guy and I am
• 38:53
  Speaker 4: chronically online. I have a good full time job, and
• 38:56
  Speaker 4: most people that know me hold me in high esteem.
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: But I I'm absolutely obsessed with Instagram and threats.
• 39:02
  Speaker 3: Mostly.
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: I always get into fights in the comments, especially about politics.
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: I always think I have the best points to make,
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: and often maybe I do, But I know that my
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: comments are unlikely to really result in epiphanies where mega
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: people will change their ways. I figured, since I don't
• 39:18
  Speaker 2: argue with family or friends, what's the harm. But I
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: comment so often that on popular pages, my friends will
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: see what I've written, and everyone knows how chronically online
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: and combat if I am help Alex.
• 39:30
  Speaker 4: Hi, Alex Hey, Chelsea Hi, this is our special guest
• 39:34
  Speaker 4: Sasha Mammot today.
• 39:35
  Speaker 3: Oh hey, hey, hey listen.
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: Hi.
• 39:39
  Speaker 4: As fun and as addicting as social media it can be,
• 39:44
  Speaker 4: well addicting it is, and as fun as it can be,
• 39:48
  Speaker 4: it is not good for your brain. You are not
• 39:51
  Speaker 4: feeding your brain when you are on social media.
• 39:54
  Speaker 3: So you need to start detoxing.
• 39:56
  Speaker 4: And by detoxing, I mean you need to like you
• 40:00
  Speaker 4: can start small. You can start with an hour a
• 40:02
  Speaker 4: day that you turn your phone off and put it somewhere.
• 40:06
  Speaker 3: Just put it away somewhere when you get home.
• 40:08
  Speaker 4: From work or your most vulnerable time, wherever you feel
• 40:11
  Speaker 4: it the most. But you have to understand, like there
• 40:14
  Speaker 4: are so many articles if you just google what does
• 40:17
  Speaker 4: social media do to your brain?
• 40:19
  Speaker 3: You can read it's going to make you sick.
• 40:22
  Speaker 4: You can't spend that much time a online looking at
• 40:26
  Speaker 4: other people's lives is not healthy.
• 40:28
  Speaker 3: You need to fucking read a book. That's what you
• 40:30
  Speaker 3: need to be doing, and.
• 40:31
  Speaker 4: You need to You need to get into the habit
• 40:34
  Speaker 4: of when you don't have anything to do that you're
• 40:36
  Speaker 4: reading a book because you're addicted. You have an addiction
• 40:39
  Speaker 4: and now you have to detox from your addiction.
• 40:42
  Speaker 6: Healthy but ours I.
• 40:43
  Speaker 4: Know, I know, but it's true. It's like it's not
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: good for us. And listen, we all are dealing with this.
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: You're not alone. But you can take steps like don't
• 40:54
  Speaker 4: you want to be a more well rounded person? You
• 40:57
  Speaker 4: don't want to just be somebody who's arguing online and
• 41:00
  Speaker 4: are trying to make brilliant points online to what availed?
• 41:03
  Speaker 3: Like what is that going to get you? What does
• 41:05
  Speaker 3: it give you?
• 41:06
  Speaker 6: It gives me some satisfaction when I win.
• 41:10
  Speaker 3: How do you How does winning What does winning look like?
• 41:13
  Speaker 6: Winning to me looks like when the other person maybe
• 41:17
  Speaker 6: ends up blocking me because in my head, they've like
• 41:21
  Speaker 6: decided that they cannot argue my valid points anymore. Okay, Like,
• 41:26
  Speaker 6: you know, one of my most passionate things is about Chicago.
• 41:29
  Speaker 6: I live in Chicago, and like people are calling it
• 41:32
  Speaker 6: a hell hole and all this crazy stuff. And this
• 41:35
  Speaker 6: guy was just going in on me, like a lot
• 41:38
  Speaker 6: of people because of the way I look. They're like,
• 41:40
  Speaker 6: you must live in a suburb or like on the
• 41:42
  Speaker 6: North Side or something, and I don't, And like this
• 41:45
  Speaker 6: person was going in on me. And then I was like,
• 41:48
  Speaker 6: I told him where I lived and like where I
• 41:50
  Speaker 6: have lived and the things that are great about where
• 41:52
  Speaker 6: I live, and then he blocked me, and so I was,
• 41:55
  Speaker 6: I mean, it gives me a lot of satisfaction that
• 41:58
  Speaker 6: I won that argument and.
• 42:00
  Speaker 3: Win the argument.
• 42:00
  Speaker 4: Winning the argument would have been him going, wow, you
• 42:03
  Speaker 4: brought up so many you raised so many great points
• 42:06
  Speaker 4: about Chicago, and I was misinformed that would be a win.
• 42:11
  Speaker 4: Changing someone's mind would be a win. Having someone block
• 42:14
  Speaker 4: you is not a win.
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: So don't tell people online that you're arguing with where
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: you live, like a first rule, just.
• 42:21
  Speaker 4: To say that maybe, Yeah, Sasha, how do you handle
• 42:25
  Speaker 4: your relationship with social media.
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: It's very tough because I have to be on it
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: for work. It sadly is now like a part of
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: the job. But I find it's so true if I
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: don't go on it, or I only go on it
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: for a specific amount of time to a specific end,
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: it makes me feel so much better if I spend
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: multiple days. Not because the problem is it's not real,
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: but society and our brains keep telling us that it is.
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: But it's not, and it's creating these like very weird
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: parasocial dynamics that aren't actually based in reality. So it's
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: like and it is absolutely an addiction. I mean, it's
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: a dopamine hit one thousand.
• 43:08
  Speaker 4: Percent, absolutely absolutely, and we're all guilty of it. So
• 43:11
  Speaker 4: just like you know, you're living in a world where
• 43:13
  Speaker 4: everyone is dealing with this, so you should get some
• 43:16
  Speaker 4: comfort from that, but you should also be worried about
• 43:19
  Speaker 4: your brain health, you know what I mean, Because no
• 43:21
  Speaker 4: one's coming to save you.
• 43:22
  Speaker 3: You have to take care of yourself.
• 43:24
  Speaker 4: You have to make the moves to make sure that
• 43:27
  Speaker 4: you are having like a healthier relationship with social media
• 43:30
  Speaker 4: and also find some other things to do that prevent
• 43:33
  Speaker 4: you from being online. Go fucking play tennis, Go play basketball,
• 43:36
  Speaker 4: go do yoga, whatever is interesting to you. Commit to
• 43:40
  Speaker 4: these things with the intention of breaking away from social media,
• 43:44
  Speaker 4: so it is not an addiction. Set the timer they
• 43:47
  Speaker 4: give you those timers. Okay, you've spent an hour on
• 43:49
  Speaker 4: social media today. You can choose to ignore it.
• 43:52
  Speaker 3: But you have to be in.
• 43:53
  Speaker 4: Control of yourself to exercise your willingness to.
• 43:57
  Speaker 3: Change, you know what I mean.
• 43:58
  Speaker 4: You have to have a willingness, and then you have
• 44:00
  Speaker 4: to have a follow through. And I think follow through
• 44:02
  Speaker 4: is pretty much the most important thing in life is
• 44:04
  Speaker 4: following through. You're calling because you know you have a problem.
• 44:08
  Speaker 4: You're not calling to hear me tell you, Oh my god,
• 44:10
  Speaker 4: I love it. Keep doing it?
• 44:11
  Speaker 3: Are you No? I'm not right. So you know you
• 44:15
  Speaker 3: have a problem. You've admitted it. Great.
• 44:17
  Speaker 4: Those are the first two major steps. Now you could
• 44:19
  Speaker 4: take some steps to just spend less time. You don't
• 44:22
  Speaker 4: have to quit, just spend less time and stop arguing
• 44:26
  Speaker 4: with people.
• 44:26
  Speaker 3: Don't tell people where you live.
• 44:28
  Speaker 4: That's all just kind of like jerking off into a
• 44:32
  Speaker 4: fucking wall, do you know what I mean?
• 44:36
  Speaker 3: Just what is the point? You know? Go read?
• 44:39
  Speaker 4: Go read Anna KARENAA, go read a book that's going
• 44:42
  Speaker 4: to make you think. Zasha just wrote a great book
• 44:44
  Speaker 4: of essays called does This Make Me Funny? Start reading
• 44:47
  Speaker 4: books that is going to add to your brain health
• 44:49
  Speaker 4: way more than social media.
• 44:51
  Speaker 3: And that's a fucking doctor's order. Okay, okay, okay, I understand, okay.
• 44:56
  Speaker 4: Okay, keep us posted, check back in in a month,
• 44:58
  Speaker 4: and let us know how you're doing. Even if you
• 45:00
  Speaker 4: failed miserably, we want to know about it.
• 45:02
  Speaker 6: Okay, sounds good. I think I'll start by trying to
• 45:05
  Speaker 6: put a separation like.
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: Right after work.
• 45:07
  Speaker 6: Like unfortunately work requires me to use a smartphone now too,
• 45:10
  Speaker 6: and so that'll be a good separation from work to life.
• 45:15
  Speaker 6: And I'll start there.
• 45:17
  Speaker 4: And just look at and write it down, write it
• 45:19
  Speaker 4: down every night, look at how many hours you spent
• 45:21
  Speaker 4: on your phone. And you know, I know sometimes you're
• 45:23
  Speaker 4: on your phone for work and not social media, but
• 45:25
  Speaker 4: there's a differentiation there.
• 45:26
  Speaker 3: They show you.
• 45:27
  Speaker 4: They break it up, so like, look at that amount
• 45:30
  Speaker 4: of hours and then every day work on decreasing that
• 45:33
  Speaker 4: amount of hours.
• 45:34
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: I like what you said about like putting something in
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: its place, like going out, so doing something real, like
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: Sasha said, like something real that's in the real world.
• 45:40
  Speaker 2: You can also log that and be like today I
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: did an hour, I took a walk, or I did
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: you know.
• 45:45
  Speaker 6: The thing is, yeah, and maybe if I want a
• 45:47
  Speaker 6: crusade for the world, I should do something real and
• 45:50
  Speaker 6: volunteer instead.
• 45:51
  Speaker 4: Yes, right, exactly, that's right. That's what Mitch Album said.
• 45:55
  Speaker 4: We just had Mitch Album on the writer. You've probably
• 45:57
  Speaker 4: never heard of him because you're too busy online all
• 45:59
  Speaker 4: that time. He's written so many beautiful books, and he
• 46:03
  Speaker 4: said he when he wakes up in the morning, he
• 46:06
  Speaker 4: just starts to write immediately, without looking at the news,
• 46:09
  Speaker 4: without looking at He doesn't want anything in his head
• 46:12
  Speaker 4: other than fresh ideas. And so if you think about
• 46:15
  Speaker 4: all that noise that you're putting, you're allowing and you're
• 46:18
  Speaker 4: welcoming into your brain, that could be re engineered to
• 46:22
  Speaker 4: have so much more and so and just have a
• 46:24
  Speaker 4: fuller life.
• 46:26
  Speaker 6: Yeah, Okay, this is helpful.
• 46:28
  Speaker 3: Okay, good marching orders, good luck. Thanks, Yes, Chelsea, can
• 46:32
  Speaker 3: I say one thing to you.
• 46:33
  Speaker 6: I've been a really big fan of you for a
• 46:35
  Speaker 6: long time, and I just think that you're a model
• 46:37
  Speaker 6: of someone that's sown personal growth, that's obvious while preserving
• 46:41
  Speaker 6: your authenticity. I really appreciate it.
• 46:44
  Speaker 3: Oh I love that. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Okay, bye,
• 46:48
  Speaker 3: bye bye. I love yelling at my fans, you know
• 46:52
  Speaker 3: a lot of them.
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: That's what they're asking me.
• 46:56
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't have come on if he if he didn't
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: want that, right right. It's like a kid sort of
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: wanting to get caught.
• 47:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: Yes, Well, our next caller is John So John says,
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea, your stand up and books have gotten me
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: through some really rough times in my life, so I
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: thought it would be fitting for me to reach out
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: to you about an issue I'm having with my wedding
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: guest list. I'm a gay man and my partner and
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: I have been together for five years. This is both
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: of our first ever relationships, which also led us to
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: coming out to our family members. Although most of my
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: family was highly supportive, my mother was.
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: Not.
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: To put it mildly, my mother and I have never
• 47:33
  Speaker 2: really had a healthy relationship. She gave me up to
• 47:36
  Speaker 2: be raised by my grandparents when I was in the
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: fifth grade. We remained cordial for the most part for
• 47:41
  Speaker 2: the sake of my grandparents, but this all changed in
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: twenty eighteen, when a disagreement between my grandparents and my
• 47:46
  Speaker 2: mother resulted in a significant family rupture in which I
• 47:49
  Speaker 2: ultimately sided with my grandparents. During my coming out year,
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: my grandparents encouraged me to have a conversation with my mother,
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: which I was hesitant about but agreed to. As predicted,
• 47:59
  Speaker 2: the common versation went horribly. She was not accepting of
• 48:02
  Speaker 2: as she put it, my life choices sidebar. Some of
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: my life choices include that I am the first college
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: graduate in my family, a licensed psychotherapist soon to be
• 48:10
  Speaker 2: a psychologist, and caring partner. So I think it turned
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: out pretty well despite the trauma that comes along with
• 48:16
  Speaker 2: being abandoned by a parent. Anyway, my mother found out
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: about the engagement and has been speaking to my grandmother
• 48:22
  Speaker 2: about it, who has been slightly pressuring me to invite
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: her to the wedding. It's important for me to be
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: surrounded by people who have been supportive of my relationship. However,
• 48:30
  Speaker 2: I don't want my grandparents to be upset that my
• 48:32
  Speaker 2: mother wasn't invited, since she has a history of taking
• 48:35
  Speaker 2: things out on them when she's upset with me, and
• 48:37
  Speaker 2: I don't know if I'll regret not inviting her, which
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: is probably influenced by my inner child still longing for
• 48:42
  Speaker 2: his mother. My partner and I are getting ready to
• 48:45
  Speaker 2: send out Save the Dates next month, and I'm really
• 48:47
  Speaker 2: on the fence about whether or not to invite her.
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: I could really use her unfiltered and unbiased feedback.
• 48:52
  Speaker 3: John.
• 48:53
  Speaker 4: Hi, John, hellou Hi, This is Zasha Mammett. She's our
• 48:58
  Speaker 4: special guest today.
• 48:59
  Speaker 3: By John.
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: Hello.
• 49:00
  Speaker 3: Nice to meet too, too.
• 49:02
  Speaker 4: Hi. Well, listen, first of all, congratulations on having your
• 49:04
  Speaker 4: fucking shit together. Okay, you have your shit together, and
• 49:08
  Speaker 4: if your mother won't tell you, I will.
• 49:10
  Speaker 3: You are a fucking success.
• 49:12
  Speaker 4: And I love when a psychotherapist calls here for advice,
• 49:15
  Speaker 4: So I mean, that's always very entertaining. Have you had
• 49:19
  Speaker 4: conversations with your mother recently about your relationship or about, like,
• 49:23
  Speaker 4: you know, the seriousness of your relationship.
• 49:25
  Speaker 3: Does she know your partner.
• 49:27
  Speaker 5: She met him once a couple years ago. We went
• 49:30
  Speaker 5: to drop off Christmas presents there and he is with me,
• 49:33
  Speaker 5: but she said high to him and then ignored him
• 49:36
  Speaker 5: the rest of the time we were there. She knows
• 49:38
  Speaker 5: we're engaged, she knows we're getting married, but she doesn't
• 49:40
  Speaker 5: really talk about him to me whenever we talk she
• 49:43
  Speaker 5: avoids that.
• 49:44
  Speaker 4: Okay, do you think it would be worthwhile to have
• 49:48
  Speaker 4: a conversation with her to see where she stands with
• 49:51
  Speaker 4: regard to your relationship If she understands that you're in love,
• 49:54
  Speaker 4: that you're marrying a partner, that you guys are intending
• 49:57
  Speaker 4: to be together for the rest of your lives.
• 49:59
  Speaker 3: Do you I think that's a worthwhile endeavor for you?
• 50:02
  Speaker 5: Ideally it would be I struggle with trusting what her
• 50:06
  Speaker 5: reaction is going to be, and usually in conversations like those,
• 50:09
  Speaker 5: I walk away feeling pretty shitty, So I don't want
• 50:13
  Speaker 5: to feel that way.
• 50:14
  Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, well, yes, you can't control what she's going
• 50:17
  Speaker 4: to say, obviously, but if you, in any way, shape
• 50:20
  Speaker 4: or form, are not feeling like you're going to have
• 50:22
  Speaker 4: a safe experience at your wedding emotionally, then your mother
• 50:26
  Speaker 4: isn't welcome there, and you can't take care of your grandparents'
• 50:29
  Speaker 4: feelings either, You know what I mean?
• 50:30
  Speaker 3: This is about you, and this is about.
• 50:32
  Speaker 4: Your partnership with your husband and what you guys are
• 50:35
  Speaker 4: building together, and building it on a foundation of strength
• 50:39
  Speaker 4: rather than negativity would be the starting point, right And
• 50:42
  Speaker 4: I think you probably know well enough that if you
• 50:45
  Speaker 4: can't rely on her to be supportive and to be
• 50:47
  Speaker 4: there for the right reasons, then it's not just about
• 50:50
  Speaker 4: inviting her so that your grandparents feel better. You're saving
• 50:54
  Speaker 4: them some trouble too. Like she'll take it out on them,
• 50:57
  Speaker 4: is what I gather. If she doesn't get invited, right,
• 51:00
  Speaker 4: take it out? Yeah, absolutely so it might be worthwhile
• 51:02
  Speaker 4: just to send her an email and let her know
• 51:04
  Speaker 4: why she's not invited, you know, and if she really
• 51:07
  Speaker 4: or if you want to do it prematurely, like if
• 51:10
  Speaker 4: you want to reach out to her via email, because
• 51:12
  Speaker 4: sometimes it's better to write these things instead of say
• 51:14
  Speaker 4: them out loud, because you your emotions will get the
• 51:16
  Speaker 4: better of you to write down and say, listen, this
• 51:19
  Speaker 4: is what I'm embarking on. I'm about to spend the
• 51:21
  Speaker 4: rest of my life with the man that I love,
• 51:22
  Speaker 4: and we've been you know, you've never really exhibited any
• 51:25
  Speaker 4: support for this relationship or shown any interest in him,
• 51:29
  Speaker 4: So I'm unclear as to how to proceed about including
• 51:32
  Speaker 4: you in the wedding. Is this something you think that
• 51:34
  Speaker 4: you would want to be a part of. Do you
• 51:36
  Speaker 4: think that you can show up for me and be
• 51:38
  Speaker 4: one hundred percent supportive, because that's all I want on
• 51:40
  Speaker 4: that day, and leave it in her court and see
• 51:43
  Speaker 4: how she comes back to you. And if she comes
• 51:45
  Speaker 4: back to you in any way that makes you feel
• 51:47
  Speaker 4: ick or weird or nervous or you're emotionally not taken
• 51:51
  Speaker 4: care of, then that's your answer. And you don't have
• 51:54
  Speaker 4: to have the conversation with her. And you can easily
• 51:57
  Speaker 4: explain to your grandparents that you did that you could
• 52:00
  Speaker 4: see see them or not see see them. Don't involve
• 52:02
  Speaker 4: them when it's not necessary. They're probably old and tired. Zasha,
• 52:05
  Speaker 4: what do you think I mean?
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that you're in this position. It's truly terrible,
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: and it's it's such a bummer because you're the child
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: here and this shouldn't have to be your responsibility. But sadly,
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: that's just sometimes life. But you know, my husband and
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: I had some tricky family stuff when we were getting married,
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: some tricky friends stuff, and we really sat down and said,
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: this is a day to celebrate our love. This is
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: the day that's supposed to kick off the rest of
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: our lives. And we decided the only people that were
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: allowed to be at our wedding were people who we
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: felt like we either saw or talked to every week.
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: They were people that made us feel happy and good
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: and safe, and you know, we would have these sort
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: of like You can get very political when you're planning
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: a wedding, right you start to be like, well, by
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: this person, we have to bet, and you're like, you
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: know what this wedding is for us. This wedding is
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: about us saying I love you in front of I
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: love you forever, in front of our community. And the
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: only people that we want there are those who are
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: going to elevate that love. And that was our hard line,
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: and it didn't always make the decision to maybe not
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: invite some people easy, but I think at the end
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: of the day, it was the right choice because it
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: truly did feel like a joy love bubble. And I
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: think Chelsea's right, this is your day and everyone who's
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: there should be in support of that union. And it's
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: really up to your mom whether or not she can
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: do that. But if she can't, I don't think it's
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: your responsibility to make her and your grandparents feel better
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: by inviting her.
• 53:47
  Speaker 5: I appreciate that both of your advice is amazing. Sounds
• 53:50
  Speaker 5: similar to some of the advice I would give one
• 53:52
  Speaker 5: of my clients, but I think I need to practice
• 53:55
  Speaker 5: what I appreciate here a little bit more.
• 53:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you have from this call mission to
• 54:01
  Speaker 2: say no. You know, it's sometimes it's hardest for us
• 54:03
  Speaker 2: to give ourselves permission, and you definitely have that here.
• 54:08
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: I appreciate that.
• 54:09
  Speaker 4: And just remember, you know, when you make a decision
• 54:12
  Speaker 4: like this, either way you go, then that becomes the decision.
• 54:16
  Speaker 4: You know, like if you decide not to include your mom,
• 54:18
  Speaker 4: I don't know that that's something that's necessarily going to
• 54:20
  Speaker 4: weigh on you personally for moths, you know, for the
• 54:23
  Speaker 4: time that's remaining until the wedding. It might be like, oh, okay,
• 54:27
  Speaker 4: that's off my plate, like I've made a decision. Or conversely,
• 54:30
  Speaker 4: to say I'm including her, it's like, okay, I've accepted
• 54:32
  Speaker 4: that she's going to come.
• 54:33
  Speaker 3: Like, whatever decision you go with, it's fine.
• 54:35
  Speaker 4: But I think that you can write that letter an
• 54:37
  Speaker 4: email and put it in writing so that she has
• 54:39
  Speaker 4: time to read it reflect on it. You know, it
• 54:42
  Speaker 4: can't be it's not going to be argumentative. It's going
• 54:44
  Speaker 4: to come from a place of love and self protection.
• 54:47
  Speaker 5: I will definitely do that. I don't have to circle
• 54:49
  Speaker 5: back and update you folks, Yes.
• 54:51
  Speaker 3: Definitely please do all right, thank you John.
• 54:54
  Speaker 4: Thanks John, have so much fun at your congratulations.
• 54:57
  Speaker 5: Thank you, thank you.
• 54:59
  Speaker 4: I Okay, well we'll take a break and we'll be
• 55:03
  Speaker 4: right back to wrap up with Sasha. Okay, and we're
• 55:09
  Speaker 4: back with Sasha Mammut, who wrote this great little book
• 55:12
  Speaker 4: called Does This Make Me Funny. It's a book of essays,
• 55:15
  Speaker 4: her personal essays, and it's filled with well, it's filled
• 55:19
  Speaker 4: with everything you could want out of a book, quite frankly.
• 55:21
  Speaker 4: So thank you Sasha for being here today. I wish
• 55:24
  Speaker 4: you the best luck with this book. And I'm just
• 55:27
  Speaker 4: so happy you're healthy and bouncing around the world and
• 55:29
  Speaker 4: you're in love with your hus You've been married for
• 55:31
  Speaker 4: thirteen years now, right something like.
• 55:33
  Speaker 1: That, married together thirteen married in October for nine Yeah,
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: long time.
• 55:41
  Speaker 3: Wow.
• 55:41
  Speaker 4: Good for you. And no children not yet? No, okay, okay,
• 55:45
  Speaker 4: well maybe that's a good thing.
• 55:47
  Speaker 3: Okay, So.
• 55:51
  Speaker 4: Have a great day, Love you, honey, Sesha, Bye bye bye.
• 55:58
  Speaker 4: I just announced all my tour day. They just went
• 56:00
  Speaker 4: on sale this week. It's called The High and Mighty Tour.
• 56:04
  Speaker 4: I will be starting in February of next year, so
• 56:08
  Speaker 4: I will be touring from February through June. I haven't
• 56:12
  Speaker 4: added second shows yet, but we probably will be to
• 56:15
  Speaker 4: some of these. So go get your tickets now if
• 56:17
  Speaker 4: you want good seats and you want to come see
• 56:19
  Speaker 4: me perform. I will be on the high and mighty
• 56:22
  Speaker 4: toour Do.
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: You want advice from Chelsea?
• 56:25
  Speaker 2: Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. Find
• 56:28
  Speaker 2: full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching
• 56:31
  Speaker 2: at Dear Chelsea Pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered
• 56:35
  Speaker 2: by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure
• 56:39
  Speaker 2: to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com