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Does Your Daughter Know She Matters? How Parents Can Show Her · Raising Daughters

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  Speaker 1: Hello friends, Doctor Tim Jordan back here with you. It's
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  Speaker 1: a brand new Raising Daughters podcast, and I have an
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  Speaker 1: important topic today, and I wonder if you've ever asked
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  Speaker 1: yourself this question or noticed, And the question is, does
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  Speaker 1: my daughter believe that she matters? It's not a news
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  Speaker 1: slash to say that a lot of girls starting in fourth, fifth,
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  Speaker 1: sixth grade, middle school, for sure, start to doubt themselves.
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  Speaker 1: They start to develop a lot of negative self talk
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  Speaker 1: up and down. Some days they feel okay, other days
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  Speaker 1: they're not, depending upon who talked to them, who smiled
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  Speaker 1: at them, who didn't. A lot of girls start to
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  Speaker 1: worry that they don't fit in, they don't fit the mold.
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  Speaker 1: And it's very important that all of us, no matter
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  Speaker 1: what are you age, that we feel that we matter,
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  Speaker 1: that were valuable, that we're worthy, there were noticed, and
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  Speaker 1: probably most importantly, that were loved. I matter As an
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  Speaker 1: important statement. I want all your girls to say to
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  Speaker 1: themselves and believe, as opposed to the other junk that
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  Speaker 1: they're saying to themselves, do you know that they make
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  Speaker 1: a difference and that and that they matter. But let
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  Speaker 1: me share with you a few stories about mattering. The
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  Speaker 1: first one's a personal story. This is about one of
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  Speaker 1: my favorite people in the world. I mean, he passed
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  Speaker 1: away a long time ago, but he was a very
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  Speaker 1: important person in my life. His name was Brother John Donahue,
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  Speaker 1: and he was a biology teacher at my university, at
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  Speaker 1: Saint Mary's University, and he was also the head of
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  Speaker 1: the pre med program. And I remember going into his office,
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  Speaker 1: maybe he wants a semester because the science courses were
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  Speaker 1: hard for me. I was not a scientist, if you will.
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  Speaker 1: I had to work really, really hard. I had a
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  Speaker 1: couple of friends who helped me out tutored me a lot.
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  Speaker 1: But I would walk into Brother John's office thinking I suck.
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  Speaker 1: I'm never going to make it into medical school. Why
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  Speaker 1: am I doing this? And he just had a way
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  Speaker 1: of listening to me and talking to me so that
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  Speaker 1: when I walked out of his office, I felt like
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  Speaker 1: I got it. I got this. I mad he in
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  Speaker 1: a sense. That happened for the last couple of years,
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  Speaker 1: especially of my four years of college, and it helped
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  Speaker 1: me a lot to make sure that I stayed on
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  Speaker 1: that path and I end up getting into medical school barely,
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  Speaker 1: but Brother John helped me to see that that was worthy.
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  Speaker 1: I could do it that I mattered. Her story a
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  Speaker 1: long time ago. It's one of my favorite stories about
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  Speaker 1: a farmer who was walking in the barnyard and he
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  Speaker 1: found an eagle's egg on the ground, and so I
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  Speaker 1: put into the nest of a backyard hen, and the
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  Speaker 1: eagle at hatched with the other chickens, and he grew
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  Speaker 1: up with this little brood of chickens, and all of
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  Speaker 1: his life eagle did what the chickens did because he
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  Speaker 1: thought he was a barnyard chicken. He would scratch the
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  Speaker 1: earth for worms and insects. He would cluck and cackle.
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  Speaker 1: He would thrash his wings and fly a few feet
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  Speaker 1: in the air and hit the ground just like the
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  Speaker 1: other chickens. And years past, and he started growing a
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  Speaker 1: little older. And one day this eaglet slashed chicken saw
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  Speaker 1: a magnificent bird flying in the air, far up in
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  Speaker 1: the sky. He glide in graceful majesty. A couple of
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  Speaker 1: flaps of his wings, he would he would fly on
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  Speaker 1: this powerful wind current, scarcely a beat of his strong
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  Speaker 1: golden wings. He asked the other chickens, he said, who
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  Speaker 1: is that magnificent creature? And they said, oh, that's the eagle.
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  Speaker 1: He's the king of the birds, he's the king of
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  Speaker 1: the skies. He belongs to the sky. We belong here
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  Speaker 1: in the earth because that's where we belong. We're chickens.
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  Speaker 1: So that eagle lived and died a chicken because that's
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  Speaker 1: what he believed about himself. I'm always interested in knowing
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  Speaker 1: what kids are absorbing from the people around them, from
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  Speaker 1: their families, from their siblings, from their friends, quote unquote
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  Speaker 1: friends from people in their class, from teachers, from the
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  Speaker 1: educational system, from coaches, and I wonder what kind of
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  Speaker 1: encouragement they're getting. And I worry sometimes that some of
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  Speaker 1: those girls are getting discouraged and they're not getting to
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  Speaker 1: kind of support that they need to start believing that
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  Speaker 1: they matter. I heard one time about this little tiny bird,
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  Speaker 1: and he lived in a forest, and one day a
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  Speaker 1: small fire grew out of control and began to consume
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  Speaker 1: this forest, and the birds, the animals start fleeing, trying
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  Speaker 1: to save themselves. But I'll notice that a small little
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  Speaker 1: bird was constantly flying back and forth between the river
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  Speaker 1: and the burning forest. And he said to this bird,
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  Speaker 1: are you crazy? You gotta leave, get out of here.
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  Speaker 1: But the bird ignored that the owl's warning, and they
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  Speaker 1: returned to the river where he gathered a few drops
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  Speaker 1: of water in his beak and flew back to the
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  Speaker 1: brush to release those droplets onto the flame, and the
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  Speaker 1: owl flew down. He said, what are you doing? And
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  Speaker 1: the little bird said, I'm doing the best that I
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  Speaker 1: can with what I have. So she gathered some more droplets,
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  Speaker 1: flew back to the fire, and inspired by her courage,
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  Speaker 1: the owl began to help, and soon other birds and
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  Speaker 1: animals also joined in, and before long the fire was conquered.
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  Speaker 1: Doing the best we can with the resources available to
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  Speaker 1: us can have an impact no matter how big or small.
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  Speaker 1: And also no matter how big or small we are,
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  Speaker 1: how young we are, we all have the ability to matter,
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  Speaker 1: to make a difference, to be valuable, especially if you
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  Speaker 1: believe it. There's an author, Sean Aker accho R. He
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  Speaker 1: has a new book out called The Power of Beliefs.
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  Speaker 1: He talks in this book about how our beliefs can
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  Speaker 1: fuel persistence for us, determination, and courage. Our beliefs can
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  Speaker 1: change our path because they change what we see and
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  Speaker 1: what we focus on. If you're focusing on I can't,
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  Speaker 1: I don't I'm not as good as other people I'm
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  Speaker 1: not very smart, etc. Then that'll take you down one path.
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  Speaker 1: If you, on the other hand, believe that you do
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  Speaker 1: make a difference, that you do have what it takes
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  Speaker 1: then and you focus on that, then that will make
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  Speaker 1: all the difference in the world and your confidence, your courage,
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  Speaker 1: and your ability to stick with things until you succeed.
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  Speaker 1: I think even in the home, we can help our
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  Speaker 1: kids with that. When our kids were starting when they
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  Speaker 1: were little, we started running weekly family meetings, and we
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  Speaker 1: want them to have a democratic process where we could
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  Speaker 1: all come together once a week as a family, set
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  Speaker 1: the kitchen table and talk. Sure we talked about rules,
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  Speaker 1: but it wasn't like mom and dad handing rules down
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  Speaker 1: to our subjects. It was more like me to talk
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  Speaker 1: about making sure the house stays clean. What do you
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  Speaker 1: guys suggest? So we would then shut up let our
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  Speaker 1: kids talk, and they learned that their voice mattered, that
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  Speaker 1: they mattered, and they would come up with all kinds
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  Speaker 1: of ideas about all kinds of things. Then we would
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  Speaker 1: try it out for a week until the next meeting.
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  Speaker 1: Then we'd come back together and say, how'd that go.
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  Speaker 1: Do we need to tweak it? So our kids learn
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  Speaker 1: right from the start when they were little kids that
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  Speaker 1: they had a voice and what was going to go
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  Speaker 1: on in our house. They weren't just going to be
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  Speaker 1: told what to do and be controlled all the time.
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  Speaker 1: Now my wife and I had the final say. If
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  Speaker 1: they asked her something that was out here somewhere, we
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  Speaker 1: would say, no, that won't do that, but how about this?
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  Speaker 1: But most importantly, having a voice in that family meeting
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  Speaker 1: was huge for them. They loved the family meetings. I
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  Speaker 1: used to keep little notes on a little notebook that
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  Speaker 1: I still have, just funny things that the kids would say,
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  Speaker 1: things would be agreed upon, discussions we had, and I
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  Speaker 1: brought out a couple of Christmases ago when all of
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  Speaker 1: our kids were home, and oh my gosh, did we
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  Speaker 1: laugh remembering some of the things we used to talk about.
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  Speaker 1: They also would be able to resolve conflicts between them.
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  Speaker 1: We would ask their opinion. We also were able to
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  Speaker 1: set up special time with our kids one on one
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  Speaker 1: as best as we could. We learned to express gratitude
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  Speaker 1: to each other. And what they learned from all of
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  Speaker 1: that was that they matter, that they were loved, that
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  Speaker 1: their opinion was important, and therefore they were important. So
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  Speaker 1: you might want to establish things of that sort in
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  Speaker 1: your home rituals were you can have special time because
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  Speaker 1: anytime you take one kid out to breakfast before school
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  Speaker 1: or take a walk with just one kid, they do
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  Speaker 1: feel special. They feel heard that they matter. On one last,
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  Speaker 1: one last story. Once upon a time there's a piece
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  Speaker 1: of iron that was very very strong. It was thick
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  Speaker 1: and strong, and one after another, four friends, an axe,
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  Speaker 1: a saw, a hammer, and a flame tried to break
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  Speaker 1: this iron bar. The first up was the axe. He said,
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  Speaker 1: I'll master this, so his his blows fell hard on
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  Speaker 1: the iron, but each blow made the edge more blunt,
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  Speaker 1: until finally the axe gave up. Leave it to me,
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  Speaker 1: said the saw. He worked back and forth, back and
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  Speaker 1: forth on the on the surface of the iron, until
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  Speaker 1: his jagged teeth were all broken off. Worn it too
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  Speaker 1: fell to the side. Aha, said the hammer. I knew
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  Speaker 1: you wouldn't succeed. I will show you how to do this.
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  Speaker 1: But the first blow off flew its head and the
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  Speaker 1: iron remained as before. Can I try? Asked the small
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  Speaker 1: little fla forget it? The other three said what can
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  Speaker 1: you possibly do that? We couldn't, But luckily the flame
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  Speaker 1: ignored them, and this flame curled around the iron, embraced it,
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  Speaker 1: and never left that iron until it had melted down
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  Speaker 1: underneath the flame's irresistible influence. Make sure your daughter knows,
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  Speaker 1: no matter how old she is, that she matters, that
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  Speaker 1: her voice matters, her opinions matter, that she's valuable, that
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  Speaker 1: she's worthwhile, and of course mostly that she loves. But
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  Speaker 1: that part about that matter, that people care about me,
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  Speaker 1: they want to be with me, they trust me, they
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  Speaker 1: empower me. Make sure there's plenty of opportunities to your
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  Speaker 1: kids to receive that gift from you, so that as
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  Speaker 1: they grow up and they go off to school, if
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  Speaker 1: they have a strong belief that they matter, that'll help
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  Speaker 1: shield them a lot. Life isn't perfect, but if you
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  Speaker 1: walk into school with that kind of belief as opposed
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  Speaker 1: to what's wrong with me, I don't deserve much, etc.
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  Speaker 1: Then you know you're going to take the blows at
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  Speaker 1: school a lot differently. So use the example of the eagle,
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  Speaker 1: use the example of brother John down to who and
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  Speaker 1: I use the example of that little bird who wanted
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  Speaker 1: to get rid of that fire or take care of
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  Speaker 1: the fire, and also give them the example of being
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  Speaker 1: a flame or that irresistible influence no matter how young,
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  Speaker 1: small they are, they can make things happen. They can
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  Speaker 1: make change and affect change because they're important, They're valuable,
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  Speaker 1: and they matter. Thank you so much for stopping by
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: to listen to these podcasts every week. I hope you
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  Speaker 1: enjoy them. Send me some feedback. My website is my thing.
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  Speaker 1: Email is Dr tim Jordan dot com. If you have
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: suggestions about new topics, also send those ideas. I appreciate
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  Speaker 1: that to know what you want to hear, what you
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: want to learn about. I'll be back here in a
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  Speaker 1: week with the brand new podcast as always. Also look
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  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for stopping about. I'll be back
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  Speaker 1: here in a week. I'll see you then,