Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #47 Public Discipline

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#47 Public Discipline · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coulson,
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Suzy and this is the podcast for
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  Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wants answers now.
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  Speaker 2: Quite frankly, I don't know whether we talk enough about
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  Speaker 2: discipline and public discipline and parenting whether they should hit
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  Speaker 2: or talk or yell to their children. I think it's
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  Speaker 2: a subject that nobody gets upset about. Everyone's on the
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  Speaker 2: same page as there's nothing to see here, right. We've
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  Speaker 2: had a bunch of things come to the show about
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  Speaker 2: this very.
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  Speaker 1: We have a coup a couple of messages in particular,
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  Speaker 1: actually one from Sarah, one from Molina in different context,
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  Speaker 1: but this same same topic of public discipline of children.
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  Speaker 1: What is an appropriate way to discipline your children when
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  Speaker 1: you're in a public setting, Doctor Justin Coulson from Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families dot com dot Au. We throw this one to you.
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  Speaker 3: Well, if people are watching, you've got to make it
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  Speaker 3: look serious. You've got to have the angry face, and
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  Speaker 3: you've got to raise your hand. You might not use it,
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  Speaker 3: but you've got to make it look like you're disciplining
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  Speaker 3: your children.
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  Speaker 2: How to discipline your children in public? That's not that's
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  Speaker 2: not the point, what are they doing out of the dungeon.
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  Speaker 3: The alternative, of course, the public discipline is when you
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  Speaker 3: when you crouch down in front of your child and
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  Speaker 3: you've got a great big smile on your face, so
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  Speaker 3: it looks like you're having a really conversation and you're
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  Speaker 3: saying them. If you do that again, I'm going to
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  Speaker 3: tee your with.
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  Speaker 2: Your thumb, just them a little harder than they're comfortable.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to take this away from the sarcast AGAINSS
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  Speaker 1: because I was taught by someone.
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  Speaker 3: I went to university.
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  Speaker 1: I was taught by someone you praise your children publicly,
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  Speaker 1: you discipline them privately. So if your children misbehave in
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  Speaker 1: a public space, you take them away from the public
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  Speaker 1: space to address that behavior. Your thoughts, Doctor Justin Colson,
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  Speaker 1: the look on his face is says, well, I'd like
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  Speaker 1: to talk to that person.
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  Speaker 3: I was just listening. So I think that we need
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  Speaker 3: to get back to the fundamentals of what discipline is.
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  Speaker 3: Discipline and punishment are different, and I know we've talked
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  Speaker 3: about this before. Punishment means I'm going to hurt someone
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  Speaker 3: because I don't like what they've done. Now I'm paraphrasing
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  Speaker 3: the dictionary there. But that's essentially it let me hurt
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  Speaker 3: you because you're upsetting me. I don't like the way
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  Speaker 3: you're behaving. You're challenging me, and I need to punish
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  Speaker 3: you for that. I need to make you pay a price.
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  Speaker 3: I need to take something away from you or hurt
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  Speaker 3: you because of what you're doing. Discipline means that we teach,
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  Speaker 3: we guide, we instruct, we show a better way, and
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  Speaker 3: so should we discipline our children in public? Absolutely, we
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  Speaker 3: should discipline whenever they need to be taught, guided and instructed.
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  Speaker 3: Of course, when there's an audience, children tend not to
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  Speaker 3: be particularly responsive to our efforts to teach them, guide them,
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  Speaker 3: and instruct them. Similarly, when we try to teach them,
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  Speaker 3: guide them, and instruct them and they're feeling a bit
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  Speaker 3: emotional about life, they tend not to take very much on.
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  Speaker 3: So I would suggest that, you know, let's say you're
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  Speaker 3: in the shops, You've got half a trolley of groceries
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  Speaker 3: and you've got to get out of there, and one
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  Speaker 3: of the kids starts having them outdown because you won
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  Speaker 3: open up a packet of biscuits and let them have one, and.
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  Speaker 1: Mums everywhere are now turning up to listen to what
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  Speaker 1: you say.
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  Speaker 3: Next, you can go over and get a piece of
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  Speaker 3: free fruit, which supermarkets now offering them. But if you've
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  Speaker 3: got a child who is dead set I've got to
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  Speaker 3: have a lollipop, then it's time for us as parents
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  Speaker 3: to set effective limits and to talk things through. So
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  Speaker 3: there's a few things that we can do in public.
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  Speaker 3: Number One, Before you get there, explain what the expectation is.
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  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 3: It might be the park, it might be the shops,
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  Speaker 3: it could be the beach, It doesn't really matter where
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  Speaker 3: you're going. Oh what you're doing. Let the kids know
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  Speaker 3: ahead of time, and let them know when there's ten
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  Speaker 3: minutes to go, we're going to give you a ten
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  Speaker 3: minute warning. When there's five minutes to go, you get
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  Speaker 3: a five minute warning. When there's two minutes to go,
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  Speaker 3: you get a two minute warning, and then we've got
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  Speaker 3: to go. If everybody does the right thing, we'll have
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  Speaker 3: a happy time. If anyone loses the plot, I'm going
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  Speaker 3: to have to pick you up and carry it to
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  Speaker 3: the car. We don't want that, do it. So you know,
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  Speaker 3: you can pre empt, pre arm let everyone know what's
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  Speaker 3: going on. We're going into the shops. You can have
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  Speaker 3: a free piece of fruit, but there are no lollipops.
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  Speaker 3: If that hasn't worked for whatever reason, the next thing
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  Speaker 3: you do is you validate how they feel. Now, I
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  Speaker 3: know this is exactly the opposite to what we want
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  Speaker 3: to do, because what we want to do is say
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  Speaker 3: that's it.
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  Speaker 2: I've had enough to here, and would we want them
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  Speaker 2: to validate how we feel or just.
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  Speaker 3: Do what we say they need to do. But validation
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  Speaker 3: can go like this. I like the idea of giving
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  Speaker 3: them in fantasy what they can't have in reality. It's
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  Speaker 3: a wonderful way of saying I get where you're coming from.
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  Speaker 3: So this is something that I've done with my kids
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  Speaker 3: so many times we're in the shops. They want the lollipop.
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  Speaker 3: I say to them, lollipops are pretty good, aren't they.
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  Speaker 3: I like lollipops too. If you were gonna have a lollipop,
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  Speaker 3: which one would you choose? Wouldn't it be awesome if
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  Speaker 3: you could get one that was as big as your fist,
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  Speaker 3: as big as your head? And then I turned this
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  Speaker 3: thing where I'm showing them I really get how awesome
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  Speaker 3: it would be to have that lollipop. And then I
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  Speaker 3: said to them, but you remember what we talked about
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  Speaker 3: before we showed up, don't you we can have a
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  Speaker 3: piece of fruit or nothing, because we're not having treats
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  Speaker 3: because we've had too much sugar lately. And that sounds
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  Speaker 3: cruel to some people that are like, my goodness, you've
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  Speaker 3: just made all these almost promises. How good would it
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  Speaker 3: be to have this? And then you're saying no. But
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  Speaker 3: from an adult perspective it makes sense as well. So
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  Speaker 3: I may have shared this with you once before. I'm
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  Speaker 3: looking to buy new house about a year ago. I'm
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  Speaker 3: flicking through the paper. I see a house for sale
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  Speaker 3: that's perfect. Lachlan and Sarah Murdoch as selling their bronze
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  Speaker 3: beachfronts in Sydney. They only want thirteen and a half
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  Speaker 3: million dollars. It's only about thirteen million more than I've got.
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  Speaker 3: And I called out to Kylin and I said, Kylie,
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  Speaker 3: I found our house. And Kylie's my wife. By the way,
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  Speaker 3: it was something, and Clardie came over and she looked
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  Speaker 3: at it, and she could have said, how many times
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  Speaker 3: do I need to tell you? Would you stop looking
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  Speaker 3: at things that are just unaccessible? Inaccessible?
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  Speaker 2: You know?
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  Speaker 3: Would never She could have belittled me She could have
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  Speaker 3: been angry with me, She could have just gone whatever
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  Speaker 3: and walked away. But instead she looked at those pictures
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  Speaker 3: and she said, my goodness, can you believe the view
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  Speaker 3: from the bathroom? Oh, my goodness, look at the way
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  Speaker 3: the living area, said that that is just gorgeous. And
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  Speaker 3: then she said, oh, Lachland and Sarah Murdoch thirty and
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  Speaker 3: a half million, So what would you like to do
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  Speaker 3: about it? Do you know what I mean? But she
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  Speaker 3: validated my feelings. You know how it feels. And when
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  Speaker 3: our kids are losing the plot. Rather than trying to
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  Speaker 3: discipline them and tell them how it has to be,
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  Speaker 3: I think that it's much better if we try to
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  Speaker 3: work out what's going on for them and just show
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  Speaker 3: that we understand. You want to stay at the park.
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  Speaker 3: You're having so much fun. You wish you could ride
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  Speaker 3: your bike here all day.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we do demand that they live in our world
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  Speaker 1: a little bit. It doesn't hurt to live in theirs
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  Speaker 1: every now and then.
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  Speaker 3: If only to show some empathy before we impose our
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  Speaker 3: limits again. Now, the last point that I'll make is
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  Speaker 3: that if the kids really do need to be disciplined,
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  Speaker 3: that is, if what's going on is unacceptable and needs
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  Speaker 3: to stop now. Perhaps they've pushed another kid over in
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  Speaker 3: the park, maybe they're having an absolute melt down in
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  Speaker 3: the shops. In those instances, we just need to pick
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  Speaker 3: our child up and remove them from the scene. That
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  Speaker 3: might mean leaving the trolley at the service desk and
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  Speaker 3: saying to the nice lady, I'll be back in twenty
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  Speaker 3: minutes when my child has stopped melting down. Can you
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  Speaker 3: just put the ice cream back in the freezer and
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  Speaker 3: I'll be back soon, or just you know, leaving the park.
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  Speaker 3: And sometimes we do have to wrestle them and that
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  Speaker 3: kind of thing, and then we move away and we
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  Speaker 3: I mean, it doesn't matter whether they're two or twelve.
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  Speaker 3: Sometimes distraction or sometimes just to cuddle is the best thing,
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  Speaker 3: and once they've calmed down we can talk to what's
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  Speaker 3: really going on again? Need to I need to say
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  Speaker 3: this so clearly our kids don't wake up in the
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  Speaker 3: morning and think, right, today's the day. I'm just going
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  Speaker 3: to wreak havoc. I'm going to lose the plot when
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  Speaker 3: we go to the shops, because that's what I know
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  Speaker 3: will get the attention that I need.
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  Speaker 2: It seems like they do when we had twins, it
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  Speaker 2: felt like they were having meetings every day. Okay, I
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  Speaker 2: was your state, it's your turn today, and we have
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  Speaker 2: one perfect child one day, and there'd be the other
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  Speaker 2: ones and they switch, they keep switching. I'm like, you're
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  Speaker 2: working this out. You can't give us one day.
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  Speaker 1: And then actually they go, let's see what happens when
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  Speaker 1: we both do it together.
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  Speaker 3: Tag tea. But our kids need to be understood, and
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  Speaker 3: when we take the time to understand them and then
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  Speaker 3: work with them rather than do things to them, we
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  Speaker 3: can discipe really effectively in public because they feel validated
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  Speaker 3: and understood, and we can work it out together.
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  Speaker 2: As adults, if we really can't grasp what's going on
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  Speaker 2: around and we don't get what we want and someone
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  Speaker 2: says something that we don't sort of think is good
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  Speaker 2: for us, we throw adult tantrums all the time. Like
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  Speaker 2: we actually are no different in our behavior. The difference
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  Speaker 2: is we as an adult, get the freedom to give
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  Speaker 2: ourselves the space to calm down. But it'd be the
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  Speaker 2: equivalent to jump too early with the discipline or the
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  Speaker 2: punishment would be the equivalent for as an adult getting
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  Speaker 2: upset with our boss and then the police coming and
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  Speaker 2: throwing us in jail and us not really knowing why,
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  Speaker 2: Like it's for them in their world of being able
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  Speaker 2: to understand what's going on around them. We need to
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  Speaker 2: find a way to give them that space and that
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  Speaker 2: calm down.
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  Speaker 3: It seems like we expect more of our children than
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  Speaker 3: we sometimes expect ourselves. I don't any of adults that
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  Speaker 3: have some pretty big tanties, and they do them in
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  Speaker 3: pretty public places on the road, for example, and it's
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  Speaker 3: not necessarily good at all. I think that we need
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  Speaker 3: to be able to manage ourselves so that we can
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  Speaker 3: actually work with our kids. And too many parents can't
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  Speaker 3: manage themselves and they get nervous. You know, you're in
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  Speaker 3: the shops, who are in the park, and your child
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  Speaker 3: starts to do something inappropriate, challenging, and we look around
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  Speaker 3: and we see twelve sets of eyes on us. What's
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  Speaker 3: that parent going to do? And so we need to
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  Speaker 3: look like we're disappointing our child. I think the best
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  Speaker 3: thing to do is give our child a huge.
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  Speaker 2: It's quite funny because there's people who are making millions
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  Speaker 2: of dollars right now teaching adults how to when you
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  Speaker 2: get upset, take a breath, take a moment, remove yourself
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  Speaker 2: from the situation, and the re engage com millions of
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  Speaker 2: dollars worth of guidance in that area. Whereas this exactly
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  Speaker 2: what you're talking about with your child. Let's teach them
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  Speaker 2: now to learn how to take a breath when they're
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  Speaker 2: upset and get distracted, get calm, and then re engage.
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  Speaker 3: And I'm doing it for free. Families Families, doctor, just
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  Speaker 3: thank you so much for looking at public disciplined of
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  Speaker 3: children with this.
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  Speaker 2: We really appreciate it.
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  Speaker 3: Thanks Lurk, Thanks Suzie.
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  Speaker 1: Now, just in case you didn't catch that, you can
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: get some more information on parenting at happy Families dot
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: com dot a. You lots of resources there to help you.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: If you're interested though, in having doctor Justin Wilson come
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: and speak at your community group or evenge. You can
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: find out more details on how to book that at
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Justinculson dot com