Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 25 - Transparency Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 25 - Transparency Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

0:00
unknown: I'm a life.
0:01
unknown: I'ma live like this.
0:03
unknown: I'ma live like this in love.
0:06
unknown: I'ma live like it.
0:08
SPEAKER_00: I'ma live like it's so we might as well talk about it.
0:16
SPEAKER_00: What's good, y'all?
0:18
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
0:28
SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
0:31
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: Make sure y'all are following us on social media at Alive I Guess Podcast.
0:38
SPEAKER_00: For all inquiries and feedback, email alive I guesspodcast at gma.com.
0:43
SPEAKER_00: For I say this with love submissions, visit tinyurl.com slash AIGP advice.
0:51
SPEAKER_00: And don't forget to follow us on the Patreon for just seven dollars a month to get you that bonus exclusive content.
1:00
SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to be discussing transparency.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: I feel like in my life there was such a long period of time where I was performing like I was fine when I really wasn't, that I couldn't even decipher when I was and wasn't performing.
1:19
SPEAKER_00: It was like I was always acting like I was okay and always acting like everything was together.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't until I got to a place where I couldn't hide it anymore that I had to get real with myself and say, I need to start living more transparently.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna be diving all into that today.
1:37
SPEAKER_00: But before we do, you already know we gotta do a little gratitude.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: So if you are listening today, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
1:49
SPEAKER_00: Today, I'm grateful for a great view.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: It don't even have to be like water or nature all the time.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: Like where I live literally looks out into a street, but the way that the light hits when it's sunsetting makes it beautiful.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: Like the sky is all the multicolors and really warm.
2:11
SPEAKER_00: Like I appreciate moments where you can look out and just be appreciative of the view that you're seeing, whether that be natural, architectural, if you're looking at a bunch of people, whatever it is, like I appreciate a great view.
2:27
SPEAKER_00: But all right, let's get into it because transparency be happening.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: So, what does it mean to actually live a transparent life or just being transparent with people?
2:40
SPEAKER_00: It's not necessarily being like brutally honest, it's about living in your truth, expressing your truth.
2:48
SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between like having to overshare and just being upfront about what you're going through, what your limits are, whatever your truth is in that moment.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: It's about you stopping the performance, the mask of acting like you're fine, and being authentic about where you are.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: You aren't fine sometimes.
3:11
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're cool, but you could be better.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're going through it.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: But being transparent about it is really important.
3:20
SPEAKER_00: And again, as I've said before, it allows people to show up for you authentically and it teaches people how to treat you.
3:29
SPEAKER_00: If they think you're a person who always has it together, I know we've touched on uh the strong friend, um, and just being the person who's always there, codependent, talked about setting boundaries.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: Like, people are only gonna show up in the way in which they think they can based on how you interact with them.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: So if you are showing up transparently, people are gonna treat you like your authentic self because that's what you're showing up as, not this version that they've come up with in their head.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: And again, this is not about oversharing, like you can still have your privacy, but there is a difference between being private and just completely hiding.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: Like being private is more of a choice in what you decide to share versus hiding, which is not sharing anything at all.
4:17
SPEAKER_00: Like being transparent doesn't mean telling everything to everyone, it just means you're done lying to yourself and other people.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: And lying doesn't mean you have to tell things completely and change the topics like half truths are still lies.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: But also, if you don't want to tell someone something, you don't have to, but don't flip the story, change certain details to make it appear a certain way.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: Like, there's no lying involved in transparency, if I haven't stressed that enough.
4:52
SPEAKER_00: I think about how we interact with strangers on a daily basis when we go to the store, when we go to the bank, gas station, like these very innocent, quick interactions, and people are like, How are you?
5:04
SPEAKER_00: And your first thing is what?
5:06
SPEAKER_00: I'm fine, how are you?
5:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm doing good, I'm okay.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: Like, are you always actually doing good?
5:13
SPEAKER_00: Are you always actually fine?
5:15
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, these are strangers, so maybe you're not gonna be like, you know, I'm fucked up out here, man.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get evicted.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: I just lost my job, my baby daddy tripping.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: You know, you're not about to go that deep with a stranger.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: But I have taken it amongst myself to be honest and private by not sharing everything when people ask me.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: So when people say, How are you doing?
5:40
SPEAKER_00: Depending on how I feel, I'm doing great.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: I've been better.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: Today is rough.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: How are you?
5:47
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, I'm I'm not trying to give you an answer that makes you feel good.
5:52
SPEAKER_00: You asked me how I'm doing, so I'm going to be transparent about it.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: I don't have to go into detail with it, but I'm not gonna lie to you either.
6:01
SPEAKER_00: Now at work, it's a little different.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: I I'm gonna be fine all the time at work because like there again, a certain level of privacy.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: So it's like I'm I'm okay.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: That's usually my answer.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm okay, nothing more, nothing less.
6:15
SPEAKER_00: But that's when that privacy really kicks in.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: Like, again, you don't have to share everything with everyone, and it really sucks because you know, we as a people, I feel, aren't living in our true selves.
6:31
SPEAKER_00: Like when we leave the house or go out into the public, we are living in a version of ourselves that feels like is the most acceptable because maybe we were living as our authentic selves perhaps in childhood, and that version wasn't always accepted.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: Growing up, I was very, very sensitive.
6:54
SPEAKER_00: Um, I try and like break down what it was that I actually was like my characteristics as a child because I used to think I was shy when I was actually terrified, and so when I say I'm sensitive, I don't think I was sensitive.
7:13
SPEAKER_00: I used to get my feelings hurt a lot because people were going directly at my character.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: So there's a difference between being sensitive and being attacked all the time, but because I was sensitive as a kid, that always seemed to irritate people.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: Like I was always crying because I felt like people didn't like me or like things about me.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: So I learned like one showing up as this version of myself, showing up uh sensitive is not something that is accepted.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: And so moving through life, getting older, going into my teenage years, and then through college, like I became more and more shut off.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: That sensitivity turned more to aggression and anger because you don't like when I cry, but I still feel these emotions, so I'm gonna pivot these tears into rage, and it's gonna show up differently.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying that's accepted, but people would not criticize me if I was angry, but they would criticize me as I was sensitive.
8:24
SPEAKER_00: So to me, that was like the safer option because I was protecting myself, and I feel like that's kind of what we all do.
8:31
SPEAKER_00: We all just want to be accepted and we all want to feel safe and seen.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the versions of ourselves aren't always accepted and felt safe or felt seen.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: So we adopt, we change, we put on these personas and we wear these masks for so long that we don't even know how to live authentically anymore, especially as we interact with people.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: I will say both of my parents did a great job with allowing my younger siblings on either side express themselves in their fullness.
9:09
SPEAKER_00: Even when I was the older sibling looking at these boys act quote-unquote soft or not showing up in the ways I thought boys should, because that's not what I saw, that's not what I learned, and it was just different times back then.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: And so, like one of my brothers on my mom's side, he's real artistic, was in the house, not very athletic, like a gentler soul, especially when he was younger.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: And I used to make fun of him because I'm a kid myself, and I this is what I know, this is what happened to me, so this is how I understand you're supposed to do it.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: But my mom always said like she wanted him to be himself, so she always supported him in whatever ways he showed up.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: And I think even today, like, no, he isn't like as quote-unquote sensitive, like he's still very true to those things.
10:15
SPEAKER_00: He's a grown man, but still is very almost that wrong word, he is artistic, artistic, and is very true to himself, and I love to see that.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: Same goes for the brothers on the other side, they are the same as they were as kids, and they aren't these hardened shells of men like they get to be their authentic self and show up authentically in the world, and it's really great to see.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: And as they're living authentically and living in their truth, they get to show who they are, show what they're about, and I'm learning to do so myself and unlearn all the past ways in which I was performing because I recognize the power of being transparent, it allows people to feel safe enough to be transparent and authentic in their own right, and so I live transparently in everything I do, essentially.
11:18
SPEAKER_00: Again, with limits, because again, not everything is for everyone.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: Because I recognize, like, as I grow, the act of performing just became a habit, like second nature, but it always wasn't the case, like it became a skill that I had to learn before it became a had it a habit, and it was a skill that I learned because I needed to protect myself from judgment, from criticism, from being viewed as anything negative, and so it just developed over time.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: You couple that with the codependency, so you have the hypervigilance, you are really mindful of how you interact in the room and what people are saying about you based on the way you're showing up, and you get really good at fine-tuning those performance aspects.
12:15
SPEAKER_00: There was a time in college, I was in study hall with my team in my coach's office, and everybody was doing homework, and I really didn't have much to do, but there was something I could have worked on, right?
12:31
SPEAKER_00: And my coach is like, you need to work on something, and I somehow convinced her, like, I don't have nothing, and then I started watching TV, and I noticed her looking at me from across the room, and I'm like, What's up?
12:46
SPEAKER_00: And she's like, You're really good at convincing people of things, aren't you?
12:52
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Yeah, I am, and I used to see that as purely like a good thing, but I realized as I got older, I was so good at taking notice of the ways in which to get through to people because I knew how to show up and I watched so closely that I knew how to alter my performance and show up as the thing they need that kept me the most protected, which is wild.
13:28
SPEAKER_00: Like the codependency and the performing really made me great at moving through rooms, moving through groups.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: Like I can get acquainted and settled with anybody, and today, even though I show up in a transparent way, I'm still able to do so, but now it's just people are falling for the real me versus the me that I designed and curated specifically for the situation.
14:01
SPEAKER_00: Because ultimately, what was underneath the performance was fear.
14:05
SPEAKER_00: It was fear of being vulnerable, it was fear of being judged, it was fear of being perceived.
14:11
SPEAKER_00: But the gag is you're gonna be judged and perceived regardless, however, you show up.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: People are gonna think what they want anyway, so you might as well be yourself and let them get an accurate judgment of you instead of one that they made up from a version that you made up to be in a space with them.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: Showing up as yourself takes a level of vulnerability, and vulnerability takes a certain amount of courage, like it's not easy to show up authentically, it's not easy to sit on this camera and be transparent about things that I've gone through or that I am currently going through.
14:50
SPEAKER_00: But again, it starts momentum and allows other people to feel like they can show up and be vulnerable and be themselves and live authentically and transparently.
15:02
SPEAKER_00: So, no, it's not fun.
15:05
SPEAKER_00: It's never great to be judged, but you can't stop it.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: So I'd rather you see the real me and judge that versus you judging somebody that's not even really me.
15:18
SPEAKER_00: Vulnerability historically has been like punished in certain communities, in certain cultures, shit.
15:25
SPEAKER_00: In general, like you need to be strong, you need to be tough.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: And so if you are anything other than that, you get seen as weak.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: Like if you aren't showing up as this extra strength, like not even just like neutral, like you get looked at like prey.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: Like, what have we hurt growing up?
15:49
SPEAKER_00: Is dog eat dog, you know?
15:51
SPEAKER_00: Like, and that's true, but not all dogs are vicious, bro.
15:57
SPEAKER_00: Not all dogs are trained to attack.
16:00
SPEAKER_00: We could be different types of dogs, you could be the killer dog over there.
16:04
SPEAKER_00: I'm chilling over here, I'm not trying to be all rah-rah and extra.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: Like, that who wants to be that hyped up all the time?
16:12
SPEAKER_00: There was one tournament, I think I was maybe like 12, 11, maybe, and I'm playing AAU and I fouled out.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: Now, context, like, I hated fouling out because I felt like some of the fouls I was getting was bullshit.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: But regardless, I hated fouling out.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to play so bad.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: So if I fouled out, I'm fucked up because we're probably gonna lose if I fouled out, and that's normally what happened.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: But this one particular tournament, I fouled out of a game, and I started crying on the bench, not like wailing, but like I'm crying because I was so passionate about it.
16:54
SPEAKER_00: And after the game, my mom, we were at like a big ass like convention center, so it had a lot of like tuck-off spots, and my mom pulled me to the side into one of these things, and she was like, don't ever let anybody see you cry.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: Never, and I took that and I ran with it.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking, I'm swallowing some pain.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: And what that turned into was that aggression, that anger.
17:31
SPEAKER_00: There were times in college, basketball, there was more situations that I was crying about, but basketball, I really cared about it.
17:41
SPEAKER_00: And so every time we lost in the tournament and it ended our season, even on the last game I played, like I feel myself about to burst because I'm holding back these tears so much, but I'm not, you're not gonna see me cry.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: I will black out before I cry in front of anybody, and so I literally had to like hold it so tight and get off that court and get to the back and cry.
18:09
SPEAKER_00: And that happened every year that we lost, but no one's gonna see me cry, nobody's gonna see me sweat.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: You're not gonna break me.
18:17
SPEAKER_00: That's not gonna happen, and that served me for a long time, and in certain ways, it still does serve me.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: But what I left in that situation and in that thought process is that sometimes there is a time to not show that you're being pressured or crumbling under the pressure.
18:42
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you do need to show up and be strong because you know it's chess, not checkers.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you're gonna be forced to be vulnerable, and what is needed in that moment is vulnerability.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: And I honestly didn't learn that until my first stint in the sobriety groups classes that I started in 2018, 19, the one where the lady told me I should start a podcast because those were very vulnerable, intimate conversations.
19:18
SPEAKER_00: And I remember when I first got there, um to the side, I don't got nothing to say.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: I'm not sharing nothing, I'm not going into no details, I don't want to talk.
19:31
SPEAKER_00: I'm keeping it short because I don't know y'all, and y'all not finna judge me.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: But eventually, you're spending hours and hours and hours in a room with these people, and they're sharing very deep, intimate, fragile topics about themselves.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: And again, people are being vulnerable.
19:53
SPEAKER_00: It allows you an opportunity to be vulnerable because you feel safe to do so.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: And so that was the start of me opening up and being vulnerable and sharing things about me that I typically don't share, being transparent about how I'm feeling.
20:11
SPEAKER_00: And with that, I learned I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.
20:17
SPEAKER_00: Now that came with some learning and unlearning of old habits and learning new skills to replace those habits, but I don't cry like I used to.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm able to think things through.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: I'm able to process things and sit in the discomfort to get to the other side of it and learn and grow from it.
20:37
SPEAKER_00: But I couldn't do that if I wasn't showing up authentically and transparent with people so that I can be authentic and transparent with myself and get real with myself.
20:48
SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, I'll still be acting.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: Cause I'm real, real good at putting on an act.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: I'll have you thinking shit is sweet while I'm over here barely hanging on, but that doesn't serve me, especially now that I have this platform.
21:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, I've even thought about it, like, because unfortunately, my depression comes and goes.
21:13
SPEAKER_00: And it has come a little bit throughout this process, but not like it usually does.
21:19
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what happens if a wave of depression hits me during the midst of recording or just like episodes?
21:29
SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna be able to push through?
21:30
SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna act like everything's fine?
21:33
SPEAKER_00: And I decided, no, like, y'all are on this journey with me.
21:36
SPEAKER_00: You are going to see me, and I'm going to be transparent because my mood probably will be off.
21:42
SPEAKER_00: My energy probably will be down.
21:44
SPEAKER_00: And I can't sit here and be like, I'm cool.
21:47
SPEAKER_00: Y'all can see right through that.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: So I have vowed to live a transparent life, especially, especially talking about everything that I talk about on this platform because.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: I'd be a hypocrite if I were to show up lying to y'all when I'm really going through it.
22:06
SPEAKER_00: Cause this is to help.
22:08
SPEAKER_00: This is to offer support.
22:09
SPEAKER_00: This is to build community around the difficult aspects of life because there's a lot of motivational shit out there.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: Nobody wants to talk about the hard parts.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: So I'm here to talk about that.
22:21
SPEAKER_00: And I can't do that without transparency.
22:25
SPEAKER_00: So circling back to this whole notion of I'm fine.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: Because that's usually the blanket statement people give to cover up how they're really feeling.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm fine.
22:38
SPEAKER_00: There is an expense of saying you're fine all the time.
22:43
SPEAKER_00: There is an expense of acting like you have more capacity than you do because people are going to treat you as such.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: So some of the things that it costs you, it costs you your sanity.
22:58
SPEAKER_00: Like if you are barely hanging on and someone piles on a ton more for you to handle, I how you gonna handle that?
23:08
SPEAKER_00: But you told them you were fine, so they don't think it's too much to handle.
23:12
SPEAKER_00: You they think you just got it, but you really don't.
23:15
SPEAKER_00: It's really soul crushing, it's really making you lose it.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: But you said you were fine.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: Being the older sibling, being the only daughter, I was always fine.
23:29
SPEAKER_00: I'm always okay.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be cool.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: Once I move past being the crybaby, I was fine.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: I was good to go.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: We got it, because being anything other than fine was an issue.
23:41
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever heard to my fellow people, my folks, have you ever heard like what you what you gotta be sad about, what you upset about, you ain't going through nothing, you a kid.
23:54
SPEAKER_00: As if children don't have emotions, anxiety, depression, being judged.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm a kid, so I can't go through shit, bro.
24:07
SPEAKER_00: Damn, excuse me.
24:08
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm only learning how to function in the world right now and taking everything as a core belief and how I need to show up.
24:16
SPEAKER_00: But you're right, I guess I'm fine.
24:18
SPEAKER_00: Like, no, we we be going through things as children, but we get told to swallow whatever you're going through, especially black women.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: You always gotta wear the cape and show up and protect and guide and lead others and support others that you don't have time to worry about what you're going through.
24:42
SPEAKER_00: So you always gotta be fine.
24:45
SPEAKER_00: We could get into that just in itself, but not today.
24:49
SPEAKER_00: And when you are performing, showing up as you're fine, not being transparent, it's not really allowing you to form true connections.
25:00
SPEAKER_00: These connections are based off of little bits and pieces of yourself you decide to share.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: If those pieces are even accurate, and it's not really built on who you are.
25:12
SPEAKER_00: My best friend and I, we used to spend a lot of time together, but throughout the years, like we have remained best friends because when we were forming our friendship those first few years, we each went through a lot.
25:29
SPEAKER_00: We went through a lot, and we all like we each saw each other in our fullness.
25:35
SPEAKER_00: We were transparent with one another.
25:37
SPEAKER_00: I went through my breakup with them, they went through some things with me, like we were both there to see it.
25:46
SPEAKER_00: And there was no hiding from the other, and so we formed connections based on our beings, who we are, our core, our soul.
25:58
SPEAKER_00: Like they know me deeply, no matter how much I've like shifted and altered, like they know me at my core level, and I know them at their core level.
26:09
SPEAKER_00: And it's like when you have connections like that, those things can't be broken.
26:17
SPEAKER_00: I look at past relationships where, yeah, some of the things that I share with my best friend going through situations and knowing them for a long time, that may be true, but I was still performing in a certain sense with those people.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: And those relationships have not lasted.
26:38
SPEAKER_00: As I form these new relationships and I have these new friends in my life, I'm starting off vulnerable and transparent so that you get to see who I am and meet the fullness of me and build a relationship with that person.
26:54
SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not throwing everything out there like this is what I've been through from the time I was born, but slowly we're filling in those gaps, and those are making even stronger bonds with these friends versus the friends that I had before.
27:12
SPEAKER_00: Like it's just a difference in connecting with people when you aren't even being the real you, and like if people are paying attention, they can tell when you're performing.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been around a friend who is with like a new friend outside of your friend group, like another friend from their other friend group, and they get around them and they sound a little different, and it's like who who is this?
27:39
SPEAKER_00: Why why are you talking like that?
27:41
SPEAKER_00: Like it just seems off.
27:43
SPEAKER_00: Like you could tell when somebody performing, and it's like, girl, I see you.
27:49
SPEAKER_00: What are you what are you doing?
27:51
SPEAKER_00: People who know you for real are gonna be able to read right through that, but if you only show them a certain version of you, you will be able to keep up the facade forever because they only know that version of you instead of the real you.
28:07
SPEAKER_00: And when you do that, you build up all these relationships with people based on a lie, based on a fabricated character that you've built, and you can find yourself in a room full of people and feel completely alone because none of these people really know like the real you.
28:26
SPEAKER_00: So eventually you get tired of performing, you get tired of not showing up as your true self, or maybe you start building relationships based on your true self, and when you go to those old relationships that are based on the fake you, it starts to feel weird.
28:43
SPEAKER_00: So then you find yourself wanting to live more transparent.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: So, what happens when you start telling your truth and being vulnerable and showing up authentically?
28:54
SPEAKER_00: Well, it gets uncomfortable at first.
28:57
SPEAKER_00: This is a completely new way in which you are moving forward, it's gonna be uncomfortable.
29:03
SPEAKER_00: Anything worth having and keeping and anything that lasts doesn't come easy, you know.
29:12
SPEAKER_00: Like if it was easy, everybody would have it, right?
29:14
SPEAKER_00: If it was easy, everybody would do it, but it's not, so it's gonna be uncomfortable at first.
29:20
SPEAKER_00: Like that first truth you tell with yourself or you share with others, once you do that and it's out there and you see that the world doesn't end and the universe doesn't collapse when you do.
29:35
SPEAKER_00: Oh, there's no going back.
29:37
SPEAKER_00: 2021, I've shared this, but that was the year like I really like went through a change.
29:44
SPEAKER_00: I remember the first time I used RJ as my name, and I did it because I'm like, my birth name didn't feel like the person who I was anymore.
29:56
SPEAKER_00: And I'd have been throwing the idea around of going as RJ, but it felt really uh awkward and uncomfortable.
30:03
SPEAKER_00: Like I've been living this way for 20 something years at this point, and I was at a drama juice getting a white gummy, only thing I get from drama juice, and they were like, Can I have a name?
30:20
SPEAKER_00: And it was like time froze, and like it felt like a cartoon, like I got a lump in my throat, like it's probably sweating, like I was just like panicked, and I'm like RJ, and it was uncomfortable, but this man didn't know that.
30:39
SPEAKER_00: He was like, Oh, RJ, okay, and once that initial nervous feeling and anxiety settled, I was like, oh, RJ.
30:52
SPEAKER_00: And I remember I went home and I told my wife, and I'm like, I want to start going as RJ.
31:01
SPEAKER_00: And she was excited and on board, and from there, it was just a domino effect.
31:07
SPEAKER_00: That's when I start identifying as non-binary, and that rolled into me getting my top surgery, and that ultimate me ultimately allowed me to stop being so like stuck and fitting in this box of being like a masculine person that it allowed me to open up and be more feminine.
31:30
SPEAKER_00: Like it's crazy what happens when you stop performing and start getting in touch with who you really are.
31:36
SPEAKER_00: You start seeing parts of yourself that you never thought you had or that you never thought you would even be open to living like because it didn't align with who you thought you needed to be.
31:47
SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
31:48
SPEAKER_00: When you do that, when you start living authentically, some people aren't gonna like that version of you.
31:54
SPEAKER_00: And that is cool because that's information we needed.
31:57
SPEAKER_00: We need to find the snakes in the camp, we need to find the rats, we need to find the people who really ain't down for you, who really aren't riding for you, and they will weed themselves out and do the hard part for you because people, again, who love you will show up for you every time.
32:15
SPEAKER_00: My best friend and I think it's thieves, we don't even see each other that much, but like they see me, they know me, and vice versa, and they're going nowhere.
32:26
SPEAKER_00: There are other people in my life who see me and know me, they're going nowhere, and vice versa.
32:32
SPEAKER_00: Like, and the ones who started to see me, they didn't even get to see this version, but they started to see the beginnings of me, the sober me, the one in therapy.
32:44
SPEAKER_00: That challenged them a bit too much.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: They went with it.
32:47
SPEAKER_00: Cool, get the fuck on because I you're making this very easy for me because I'm gonna be this way.
32:54
SPEAKER_00: I can't go back to how I was, so get with it or get lost.
32:59
SPEAKER_00: They got lost, and that's cool.
33:01
SPEAKER_00: It creates like a self-selection process.
33:04
SPEAKER_00: The ones who are still there are the ones who are meant to be there, the ones who come in are the ones who are meant to be there, and the ones who were there for false reasons won't last because they can't hide and you aren't hiding anymore, so it'll naturally just kind of fall off.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: And like, not gonna lie, there are certain things, especially like these harder things that I had to go through with sobriety and being transparent with that.
33:32
SPEAKER_00: You might feel a little exposed, but that's okay.
33:37
SPEAKER_00: Feeling that exposure, it's part of it.
33:40
SPEAKER_00: It means you're going in the right direction, it means you are being vulnerable.
33:45
SPEAKER_00: You'll get used to it, you will build more endurance and strength and comfort around it.
33:51
SPEAKER_00: But at first, you're gonna feel like you're naked, and it's cool, that will pass.
33:56
SPEAKER_00: But what's on the other side of that is completely worth it.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: And once you start moving in that way, you'll never be back in that position ever again, a feeling like that, and you will learn that the truth will really set you free, it really will.
34:14
SPEAKER_00: It's not even that the truth is always a positive or a good thing, but when you are being true to who you are and speaking truth to your life, that relief and that like stability and that groundedness of who you are is unlike any other.
34:41
SPEAKER_00: Like, you are unshaken, you can handle so much more because it's like you are firm in who you are, and nobody can really like make you feel otherwise.
34:52
SPEAKER_00: Like, can nobody make me feel bad for living in my truth?
34:56
SPEAKER_00: If anything, that's a projection because you're not living in yours.
35:00
SPEAKER_00: Like a lot of people, for whatever reason, have a feeling with or a negative feeling with me being non-binary, me being gay.
35:12
SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, you're just upset with yourself because you aren't living authentically.
35:19
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you should give it a shot because I see it oozing all out of you.
35:23
SPEAKER_00: You want to come out and be yourself, but you are afraid of the judgment that you will see, so you want to attack me.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: You can't attack me.
35:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm gay.
35:35
SPEAKER_00: You know, like, or people who call me like the N-word, not that anyone has called me the N-word to my face, but like people try and like say stuff about race.
35:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm black.
35:49
SPEAKER_00: Like, how's that an insult?
35:50
SPEAKER_00: You insult me about shit that's true about me.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: You're unintelligent because that's all you can think of.
35:57
SPEAKER_00: Like, you can't you can't be rattled when people come for your truth.
36:00
SPEAKER_00: Like, you got that, you're just angry and small minded.
36:05
SPEAKER_00: So keep it because, like, telling the truth, being in your truth, no, it's not gonna fix everything, but it will definitely help you feel a lot better and help you feel more comfortable with who you are, and hopefully start a wave of people starting to live in their own truth and showing up in their truth.
36:26
SPEAKER_00: And let me just say this: living in your truth takes vulnerability.
36:31
SPEAKER_00: Being vulnerable is not a weakness.
36:34
SPEAKER_00: Being vulnerable is quite the opposite.
36:37
SPEAKER_00: It's very difficult to be vulnerable.
36:40
SPEAKER_00: How does that make you weak?
36:41
SPEAKER_00: That takes some real strength.
36:43
SPEAKER_00: It's easy to pretend and show up as whoever someone wants you to be.
36:46
SPEAKER_00: That's the easy part.
36:48
SPEAKER_00: But being vulnerable about yourself, that takes courage.
36:53
SPEAKER_00: So don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
36:55
SPEAKER_00: Think about the people you know, the strongest people you know.
36:58
SPEAKER_00: They aren't the strongest people you know because you know them as never going through things, they're strong because you know they go through things and they handle it.
37:07
SPEAKER_00: They're still standing, they're still moving through it.
37:10
SPEAKER_00: They aren't trying to hide the fact that they aren't going through shit.
37:13
SPEAKER_00: Like, look, I'm going through it, but it's not breaking me.
37:17
SPEAKER_00: That takes vulnerability.
37:18
SPEAKER_00: And before you can be vulnerable and transparent with those on the outside world, you gotta get brutally honest with yourself about what you're going through.
37:31
SPEAKER_00: You can't tell people, you know, I'm stressed out, but I'm gonna be okay if you haven't even like processed it and been real.
37:39
SPEAKER_00: Because if you were to be real with what you're going through, you'd understand that you actually aren't doing well at all and you need some help, and that would allow you to show up and ask for that help and be honest about where you are instead of trying to downplay it.
37:53
SPEAKER_00: So before you could be anything to the outside world, you gotta be true to yourself and showing up and being your true version and transparent and vulnerable in a world that celebrates performance is such a radical act and something you should be very proud of because authenticity and being genuine is very, very uncommon these days.
38:21
SPEAKER_00: And the people that you usually gravitate to are the ones who are authentic, transparent, and genuine.
38:29
SPEAKER_00: Think about anybody that you like to follow, anybody that you like to watch.
38:33
SPEAKER_00: It's not because they are actors.
38:35
SPEAKER_00: If you want to watch some actors, you'd watch a movie.
38:37
SPEAKER_00: But the people you actually gravitate to are the people that are usually being transparent and usually the ones showing up authentically.
38:45
SPEAKER_00: So, how do we start to apply this?
38:46
SPEAKER_00: Well, after you've started with yourself, now we can start being honest with the outside world.
38:53
SPEAKER_00: And remember, you don't you don't have to share everything.
38:58
SPEAKER_00: Being transparent just means you're not lying, it doesn't mean dumping everything out.
39:04
SPEAKER_00: There is a way to share certain things about yourself without sharing everything about yourself.
39:09
SPEAKER_00: You don't need to give all the information for a person to have context about where you are in life, and you don't have to start with everybody.
39:19
SPEAKER_00: Start with one person, a good friend of yours that you trust, maybe a family member, but I get how that could be a little bit more difficult.
39:26
SPEAKER_00: But just start small, like get used to being transparent.
39:31
SPEAKER_00: Start with those little lies we tell.
39:34
SPEAKER_00: The person at the store, next time somebody asks you how you doing, answer them truly.
39:39
SPEAKER_00: You ain't gotta share your financials, your family dramas, your hardships, but just be honest.
39:47
SPEAKER_00: If you're doing good, you're doing good.
39:49
SPEAKER_00: If you're not doing great, you're not doing great.
39:52
SPEAKER_00: But you gotta get in the habit of telling the truth.
39:56
SPEAKER_00: So the more you use it, the more comfortable you get with it.
39:59
SPEAKER_00: We we aren't trying to be an open book for everybody, because no, that's just ridiculous.
40:06
SPEAKER_00: But you don't want to be a closed book to the people who you love.
40:11
SPEAKER_00: So work on building that confidence, have faith that who you are is somebody that people will love and accept, and be honest with yourself and with those around you.
40:23
SPEAKER_00: Alright, y'all, y'all know what time it is.
40:26
SPEAKER_00: It's time for I Say This With Love.
40:28
SPEAKER_00: Remember, you would visit the tiny URL link, submit your information there for a chance to have your entry read during one of the episodes.
40:37
SPEAKER_00: RJ, congrats on the pod.
40:40
SPEAKER_00: I've been seeing you do your thing, and I'm really happy for you.
40:44
SPEAKER_00: What advice would you give somebody starting a new venture or career and is doubting their self that they'll be successful?
40:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm considering a career change, but honestly, I'm afraid that I'll give up before I can see it through all the way.
40:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm terrified of rejection and even more scared of failure.
41:03
SPEAKER_00: If I don't try, neither can happen.
41:06
SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
41:07
SPEAKER_00: I want to address specifically the point where you said if you don't try, you can't fail or be rejected, which is true, but you can't succeed and you can't learn either, and you can't see what'll happen if you do try.
41:23
SPEAKER_00: I think about all the time I spent being afraid of being judged, being afraid of people showing up and supporting this podcast, how many years that I could have been building this, but I spent hiding and shrinking myself.
41:41
SPEAKER_00: And I think about the impact that I've had in just a few months, not even six months, of having this podcast.
41:49
SPEAKER_00: And I wish the person back then could see where we are now, and I wish the person now could see where we're going in the future.
42:01
SPEAKER_00: But starting a new career, there's going to be moments of failure.
42:06
SPEAKER_00: There's going to be moments of rejection because not everyone is gonna vibe with you.
42:13
SPEAKER_00: You can't make something for everybody.
42:16
SPEAKER_00: That's why there's a such thing called a targeted audience because you have to target the people that you want to engage with, you can't make something that's a one size fits all because people are so different.
42:32
SPEAKER_00: It's impossible.
42:34
SPEAKER_00: So accept that you are going to be rejected in some way because it's not gonna work for everyone.
42:43
SPEAKER_00: And one thing that I have learned before you get really good at something, you're gonna be really bad.
42:52
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be a student, you're going to make mistakes, you're going to do things the hard way, and then you're gonna find ways to do it an easier way and simplify a lot of processes, a lot of different things that you do along the way.
43:08
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna learn, you're gonna grow, you're going to go back and revisit ways that you did things and change them, and it's it's part of the process.
43:19
SPEAKER_00: You can't learn if you don't make a mistake.
43:22
SPEAKER_00: I think about the story of WD-40, the spray that helps lubricate things, like get shit unstuck and stop making doors squeak.
43:33
SPEAKER_00: It's called WD-40 because there were 39 versions before that that did not work.
43:41
SPEAKER_00: Baby, I don't know if I'm trying anything 39 times and then like still going after 39 failures.
43:50
SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
43:51
SPEAKER_00: But on that 40th one, got a winner.
43:54
SPEAKER_00: Got a winner.
43:56
SPEAKER_00: You don't know that if you never start.
43:59
SPEAKER_00: I know.
44:01
SPEAKER_00: Certain things might not work out.
44:03
SPEAKER_00: This might look completely different in five years, ten years, one year.
44:08
SPEAKER_00: But I know, regardless, with the consistency, with the drive, with me continuing to be a student and continuing to put forth my best effort, this has no choice but to grow.
44:22
SPEAKER_00: Like it's just a numbers game.
44:24
SPEAKER_00: It's just the way things spread.
44:27
SPEAKER_00: But if I stop, or if I half-ass it, or if I don't even try, it's not gonna happen.
44:36
SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna happen.
44:37
SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure there's gonna be other failures.
44:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure I'm gonna get rejected a thousand times.
44:42
SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
44:44
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get accepted, and I'm gonna be loved, and I'm gonna be accepted and supported a lot more than the rejections, and that's gonna outweigh the bad every time.
44:57
SPEAKER_00: So, whatever endeavor you are planning to start, go in it with an open heart, an open mind, and acceptance that you're gonna fail along the way, you're gonna mess up, you're gonna be rejected.
45:13
SPEAKER_00: It's part of it, but it does not make or break you.
45:17
SPEAKER_00: You just gotta keep moving through the adversity, keep taking the blows, keep taking the shame or whatever emotion comes up for you during this process, and keep moving forward, one step at a time.
45:30
SPEAKER_00: Because not trying, you won't fail, but that doesn't really serve you.
45:36
SPEAKER_00: So accept that and know that you're gonna be okay.
45:40
SPEAKER_00: Failure's all part of it, so you're gonna work it out.
45:44
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
45:45
SPEAKER_00: That is all for today's episode.
45:48
SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, make sure y'all following us on the socials, hitting up the email for all inquiries, visiting the tiny URL link for I Say This With Love submissions, and following us on Patreon, man.
45:59
SPEAKER_00: We got some good stuff on there.
46:01
SPEAKER_00: Make sure you are liking, subscribing, sharing these videos, getting the word out there so we can build some traction so that we can grow as a platform and spread this word because we're trying to help the masses.
46:15
SPEAKER_00: But I appreciate y'all.
46:17
SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'm RJ.
46:19
SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guess podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.