Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #81: What CONSEQUENCES Can I Give My Adult Child Who Doesn’t Do Anything I Ask?

Transcript

#81: What CONSEQUENCES Can I Give My Adult Child Who Doesn’t Do Anything I Ask? · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

0:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with older children in their 20s and 30s who are struggling to move forward.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: Each week we talk about different issues that parents are facing, and we offer you personal insights, expert advice, and actionable steps that you can take, not just to guide your adult child through this challenging time, but to really understand what's going on with them.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: For most parents, that means rebuilding the relationship.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: It might feel awkward at first, but as you begin reconnecting with your adult child, you'll notice them slowly starting to open up.
0:43
SPEAKER_00: And that's when things really begin to change.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is just me talking about something that every parent struggles with.
0:55
SPEAKER_00: Consequences.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: It seems that most feel that there aren't any that they can enforce.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: And I find that so interesting.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: It's also a topic I feel very strongly about.
1:08
SPEAKER_00: And I hope that by the end of this soliloquy, you'll have a crystal clear understanding of why consequences are essential.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you how you can come up with your own.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: If you've been listening for a while, you've heard me talk about my parenting course.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: It's the roadmap for raising your adult to becoming confident, capable, and self-reliant.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: That's why I call it the journey to independence.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: There are four sequential modules to it, with the first one teaching you how to rebuild your relationship.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: I can't say this enough.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: Every parent I talk to and work with comes to me thinking that their adult child needs help.
1:56
SPEAKER_00: But we quickly discover that the dynamic between parent and adult child is not as healthy as it could be.
2:05
SPEAKER_00: And that's where the work needs to start.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: And here's why.
2:10
SPEAKER_00: Two episodes before this one, I had an interview with a psychotherapist and we talked about repairing the parent-adult-child relationship.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: She mentioned this phrase and it stuck with me.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: Connection before correction.
2:27
SPEAKER_00: It dates back to Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikers and was popularized by Dr.
2:33
SPEAKER_00: Jane Nelson as a positive parenting principle.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: Basically, it means that before you can guide or redirect your adult child, they need to feel that you're on their side first.
2:47
SPEAKER_00: Once they feel seen and emotionally safe with you, they're open to your influence.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: In other words, without connection first, the correction will not be effective.
3:01
SPEAKER_00: The second module of the course is when we focus on what's happening in the home, which I call the learning lab.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: This is where you get to teach your adult child about managing their responsibilities and taking ownership of their life, starting at home.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: Almost all parents in this situation struggle getting their adult child to do anything, and it's not because they're lazy.
3:27
SPEAKER_00: It's because of what's going on with you and them.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: When your relationship starts to shift, you'll see how much easier this next phase of participating and contributing becomes.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: Living at home with your adult child can be a very positive experience once they're behaving like adults.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: Back in episode 64, I had a great conversation with Julie Lithcott Haymes, the author of the best-selling book, How to Raise an Adult.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: She's actually getting ready to release her next book in 2027, and I hope to have her back again to share it with you.
4:09
SPEAKER_00: It's called The Bonus Years, a Guide for Parents and Adult Children Living Together.
4:15
SPEAKER_00: During this episode, Julie and I talked about what's important both in the home and the relationship and how to make living together with your adult child work.
4:25
SPEAKER_00: Actually, not just work, but really be an enjoyable experience.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: It's one of my favorite conversations, and I think it's worth a listen.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: When you're done here, head over to episode 64.
4:38
SPEAKER_00: It's aptly called How to Love Living with Your Adult Child.
4:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm really taking a long time to get to the point of this episode, and I apologize for that.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: So here we go.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: What consequences can you give your adult child when they don't listen or do anything you ask?
4:56
SPEAKER_00: I take this topic very seriously.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: It's not only in my course, but there's also a section of it in the Living Together Agreement.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: I believe that everything we do in life always leads to an outcome.
5:11
SPEAKER_00: Action equals reaction.
5:14
SPEAKER_00: Choices have consequences.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: The rule is simple.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: If then, if this is my choice, then that is what happens.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: And when it comes to living at home, if your adult child chooses not to meet the responsibilities of living there, then the consequences of their choices must be clear and enforced.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: You know, as a student of human behavior, I've always been fascinated by why people do what they do and by the choices they make.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: Behavioral psychologists have spent decades studying how our choices are shaped by consequences.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: Some of the most famous experiments, like B.F.
6:00
SPEAKER_00: Skinner's work with rats, where they were shocked, and Ivan Pavlov's work with dogs, where they were rewarded, have shown us that behavior changes when consequences change.
6:14
SPEAKER_00: And whether the consequences are positive or negative, we're all influenced by what happens after our choices are made.
6:23
SPEAKER_00: That's how we learn, that's how habits are formed, and that's why consequences matter, because they influence behavior.
6:32
SPEAKER_00: This is the cornerstone of behavioral psychology.
6:37
SPEAKER_00: I know you understand this in theory because it's common sense.
6:42
SPEAKER_00: The problem is you don't believe you have leverage.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's because it's been going on for so long that you don't realize how much you are providing them.
6:54
SPEAKER_00: The support, the comfort, and all the privileges they have at home make staying in their current situation very easy.
7:03
SPEAKER_00: Let's face it, if none of that existed, their experience at home would feel very different.
7:11
SPEAKER_00: Once you're able to step back and realize what role you're playing, you'll see exactly what you have the ability to change.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: And I know this is where you struggle.
7:23
SPEAKER_00: So I want you to begin by asking yourself these three questions.
7:29
SPEAKER_00: What am I paying for?
7:31
SPEAKER_00: What am I doing for them?
7:34
SPEAKER_00: What comforts am I providing that's making their life so easy?
7:39
SPEAKER_00: The answers will tell you what you need to stop doing as a means of setting consequences.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: Here's the best part.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: They are in full control because the consequences that you set forth will only happen as a result of their choices.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: Now let's talk about the difference between a natural consequence and one that you have to create.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: Other people talk about natural consequences, but I don't believe they've ever been properly explained.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: Natural consequences occur when you don't have to step in.
8:16
SPEAKER_00: For example, if they don't do their laundry, they run out of clothes.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: If they don't pay their parking tickets, they'll deal with the fines.
8:27
SPEAKER_00: If they're up all night and miss work, they might get fired.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: Natural consequences mean that you get to let life teach those lessons if you're strong enough to.
9:28
SPEAKER_00: Reward is also a consequence.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: Pavlov demonstrated that when he gave his dog steak.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: They learned what they needed to do to reap the benefits.
9:39
SPEAKER_00: Here's a few examples of natural consequences that are positive and negative.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: Eating healthy, exercising, being employed, spending time with loved ones.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: These choices lead to a fit body, a healthy mind, money in the bank, feeling loved.
10:00
SPEAKER_00: Whereas eating junk food, driving recklessly, robbing a bank, cheating on your partner, those poor choices lead to negative consequences.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: It's not that complicated.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: Out there in the real world, consequences exist in every action or inaction.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: And so they must exist at home.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: So go back to those three questions and ask yourself, what consequences can I establish and enforce that will change the behavior of my adult child?
10:39
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you stop paying for their cell phone, you cut off the Wi-Fi at midnight.
10:44
SPEAKER_00: Who's paying for their means of transportation, the gas and the insurance?
10:50
SPEAKER_00: Do they have access to the kitchen all hours of the night?
10:54
SPEAKER_00: Whose dishes are they using?
10:57
SPEAKER_00: I've suggested to families that they buy their adult child a set from the dollar store, and when they get dirty, they're not allowed to use the family's dishes.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: Think about all of the household privileges and comforts of life that you've been providing and they've been taking for granted.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: Make a list, and you'll be surprised what you can start to remove if they are not doing their part.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: And then I want you to think about positive consequences.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: What does your adult child really love, appreciate, need, want?
11:33
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be monetary.
11:36
SPEAKER_00: It could be as simple as hearing you tell them how proud you are, that you believe in them, or maybe it's time spent together, going out for a favorite meal, buying them a new pair of shoes.
11:49
SPEAKER_00: They'll need some new clothes for that job they're gonna get.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: Here's the ultimate consequence, and it is the toughest love out there.
11:59
SPEAKER_00: If your adult child continues being disrespectful and not demonstrating their appreciation for living at home by participating and contributing, they can choose to live elsewhere.
12:15
SPEAKER_00: And I know that is not something many parents are comfortable hearing, but you must teach them this one simple truth.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: Living in your home is a choice they are making.
12:29
SPEAKER_00: It's also a privilege.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: And privileges come with responsibilities.
12:37
SPEAKER_00: Let them decide what they want to do, knowing full well they're going to have to live with the consequences of their choices.
12:48
SPEAKER_00: Life at home mirrors life in the real world, and that's your job.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
13:00
SPEAKER_00: Just a quick reminder that if you know someone who would benefit from this topic, please share it with them.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: And there's one more thing.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: If you enjoy listening to Launch, rating the podcast and leaving a positive review would be greatly appreciated.
13:22
SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.