Latest / The Journey with Pastor Shaun Olsen / Episode 18 - Having The Hard Conversations With Your Kids (ft. Angela Olsen)

Transcript

Episode 18 - Having The Hard Conversations With Your Kids (ft. Angela Olsen) · The Journey with Pastor Shaun Olsen

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the journey.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Sean Olsen.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: And as you walk your faith life out, we just simply want to have conversations.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: After over two decades of ministry, I believe faith and discipleship is better in a relational context.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: So we're going to invite some of my closest friends and family into this office and have conversations about faith and life in the context of relationship.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: So do me a favor, like, share, and subscribe because your friends and family need to take this journey with you.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: So let's dive in to a conversation right now.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, welcome to a special edition of The Journey.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: We're super excited.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: We feel like this is a timely conversation for so many people.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I am joined with what I endearingly call my favorite human.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to the show, Han.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: We're super excited to have you here.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: You need no introduction, but what greet all of our listeners, our subscribers, and everything.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Hello.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I am so glad to be back.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know that this is absolutely not my favorite thing to do.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm always grateful when I have the opportunity to be on to talk about something, you know, that's pressing, you know, with the people that we love and going on in our world, um, and have an opportunity and a voice to speak into that.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm so honored to be here.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Do us a favor, real quick, before we jump into the content.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: We really do believe so much so that this is an unscheduled release of an episode, that this is a timely conversation.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: And the journey is meant for faith-based conversations.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: And the best way to have a faith-based conversation is to consume and c have conversations about the same content.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: So do us a favor and share this.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, you may think it's a simple act of sending it to a friend or sharing it on a social media timeline, but what it's gonna do is it's gonna stir a conversation around what you're both dealing with in faith.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I promise you, if you're engaged and you're listening to this, you know someone that needs to walk this journey out with you because the topic today is keeping the door open for honest and difficult conversations.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: We are gonna specifically talk about this in the realm of raising teens.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh now you're gonna go, I don't have teens in my house.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not dealing with that.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna check out on this podcast.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: I want to encourage you not to, because the principles of the conversation are applicable at every relationship level.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: At the time of recording this, we are raising a 14 and a 17-year-old.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not sure how they got there, uh, but we are beginning to prepare for our 17-year-old to be 18, and we're managing all of the teen emotions.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not even sure if we're raising them or they're raising us, to be honest.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's because there have been more heartfelt, emotional, and yet difficult conversations in the last few years.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I know some of our best friends have told us over the years that when you thought that the young years were the hard years, you were wrong.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And there would be plenty of times right now, I would go back to taking a temper tantrum on the aisle in Target and just picking them up and taking them out of the store.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because those were the easy times, because you were the voice and you were it and you were the authority.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And as we've approached these years of 14 and 17 and and walking more adult life things out with our young men, um, it has become less authority and more relationship, which is why I think this conversation is so important for parents to realize that there is a shift when it comes from young children to teens and why it's so important to have these conversations.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, in fact, I I would say this is I was listening to you talk, and I so appreciate your genuineness, and that's why you're the perfect person to be in this chair uh with me.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Not only are you my partner in raising our kids, but while you may be uncomfortable, you just are so real about it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: And as you're talking about and throwing you off script.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, it's so so good, it's fine.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um we start encountering things that we totally feel unprepared for.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, absolutely.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like we feel totally unready for.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: The next thing you know, you're having sexuality conversations and dating conversations and relationship conversations, and they're grabbing the keys to the car and they're running out the door, and life is moving at a pace that seems uncontrollable.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I would say this some of the most meaningful conversations you will step into in marriage, in friendships, and certainly in raising your kids, you're going to feel unprepared for.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to tell you two things before we even jump into the content.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: One, that doesn't make you bad, it doesn't unqualify you, it makes you depend on God.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's a powerful truth as we explore how to manage these conversations.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Just because you feel unprepared doesn't mean you're uncalled.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: And if God has given you and gifted you, especially in the realm of parenting, uh, and I would even apply that to marriage.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: If God has given you and gifted you the relationship, he has called you to it.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Just because you're unpaired doesn't mean you're unqualified.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: You need to lean into the one that puts you there so you make the right decisions and you have the right conversations.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because as a as a as a parent, we feel oftentimes we have to be right, right?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like we have to know.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And we feel like we have to have all the answers.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: And you're going, I don't have the answers, and I'm not even sure I'm right.
• 5:32
  unknown: Right.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and that pressure, what it does is it it pushes the child away and it causes us to perform.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll leave let you know, as a pastor of a growing church that has a podcast and staff, I I sit here in this chair and I go, I'm still in that boat right now.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I feel just as much pressure as you do to go, man, I gotta have the answers.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I gotta be right.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I gotta drive them the right way.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: And all of those pressures can be like suffering and almost burying uh to us.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so here's here's a question I have for you as we jump in.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: What at the heart of it, the root of it, makes some of these conversations so difficult?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think you already somewhat touched on that in that if we well, one, we don't know what's going to be said.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: We think we we can only prepare our hearts for the conversation, but sometimes they may, talking about our teens, maybe drop something on us that when we thought we had it figured out, we like it just hits us in the face with something that we were completely unprepared for.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's part of it, feeling you mentioned um you said unqualified.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Unprepared.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Unprepared.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think unqualified.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're like, this certainly cannot be a conversation that I am supposed to have.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you're feeling that way because you got it all wrong when you were the teenager.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: So now you're looking at them thinking, I may have messed up royally, and I did all of this wrong, and I didn't handle these situations right.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So now who am I to have a conversation with them about what could be or should be right or wrong, especially in the realm of sexuality.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: But in any other area of life, maybe you just were a troublemaker or whatever happened in your world, and you're like, I feel unqualified to have this conversation.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I can tell you you are qualified and you are enough because God gave you those children and they are yours, and therefore you are the only person that can speak directly to who they are and be the voice in their life that can walk them through any difficult situation.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: So good.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I actually want to give you a line as you as you lean in and you listen, and man, hopefully you watch this back a couple times and you just take the little nuggets.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: But I would say this don't let a feeling of unprepared and unqualified lead to a lifestyle of unwilling.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or avoidance.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's the unwilling, right?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: The avoidance.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Oftentimes when we feel unqualified and unprepared, we resist the conversation when honestly the people around us, the teens, the spouses, the friends, specifically our children, they are longing for us to lean in.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: They are longing.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: And honestly, even if they aren't, even if you're going, you don't know my kid, they're resisting, they don't want anything to do with me.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: You have a responsibility.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: You have a responsibility to lean in.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I would say this there's nothing great that is forged in the comfort zone, and there is nothing comfortable about raising teens in general.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: So just get out of our comfort zone and let's lean in and let me give you a starting thought.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't start with them, it starts with you.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't start with them, it starts with you.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can't wait for them to approach you and expect them to be ready to have a difficult conversation.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: So here's here's the starting place I'm gonna say.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: And this is for difficult conversations in general, whether it be at a work level, a relationship level, a marriage level, and certainly a kid level.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I think this is where we actually don't do this the most, is you have to prepare your heart before you speak to theirs.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Psalms, what is it, 139?
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: I got my Bible here on this episode because I have some scriptures I just want to read right out of the Bible.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: But Psalms 139, it says this: it says, Search me, God, and know my heart.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Test me and know my anxious thoughts, see if there's any offensive way in me, and watch this, lead me in the way of the everlasting.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I think so often as we want to speak to our kids' hearts before we ever stop and give God the opportunity to search our heart.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: So here would be the question I would propose to our listeners, to you is how often when we're responding and we're leading and we're parenting our kids, do we pump the brakes and evaluate our motives?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Go back to that temper tantrum at the island target.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: We're really upset with them because they're embarrassing us.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not the right method or the right motivation to parent.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you you raise a now 14-year-old and they do something dumb and we're angry at them and we're frustrated and we're disappointed and we're all the emotions.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll tell you the number one way to speak healthy to your kid's heart or your spouse or whomever is to search your own.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I think you are absolutely so stinking good at this.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I have a communicator in me, I have a teacher in me that just wants to come out.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: And you are so good at approaching our boys with a pure heart.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I would love for you just to encourage for a moment the listeners that's going, man, I am struggling.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and I want to tell you the first place is let God do a work on your heart and give him time, he'll work on theirs.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: She's looking at me like, what you want me to say?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Was that a question?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's a question.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um in how I prepare my heart or just in how I interact with our boys?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, talk about, you know, because it hurts, man.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: It hurts when you're you're experiencing disappointment and you're experiencing uncertainty and you're experiencing all that, and it's easy, like a wounded dog syndrome, to parent out of the hurt, but you're you're so good at parenting in patience.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so what is it that you would encourage people to do to in the hurt to guard your heart to let God speak to your heart?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think for me, sometimes it's just a matter of slowing down and taking just a little bit of time.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I wouldn't say that I'm so good at this as Sean.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: You have, you know, you have said, I feel like I fail at it on a daily basis, sometimes moment by moment.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: But in that, if I have grace for my children, then I have to have grace for myself.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I have to give myself the chance for God to show me where I may have been wrong.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to be willing to listen to that.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: And and sometimes it's a matter of taking a step away, sometimes it's a matter of a breather, sometimes it's a matter of just stopping the internal monologue in my own head and trying to listen to what they're trying to tell me.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um I I have this thing because I work in the healthcare field.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and people they'll tell you going through the school, like I did, that if you just listen long enough to the patient, they'll tell you what's wrong with them.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't quite understand that for a really long time.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And and the longer I work in this field, I realize that the same thing applies to my kids.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: If I will just shush and stop and listen, they'll give me most, if not all, of the info and the in the emotion that I need to help to parent them.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but at the same time, there's a moment where you really just have to coax some things out of them.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but just being patient to listen with an open mind and an open heart.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, James 1 19 says, be quick to listen, you know, slow to speak, slow to become angry, be quick to listen.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it's funny, oftentimes we segment our lives and we use the scriptures for the faith things.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: But the scripture principles, they teach us how to parent.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: So you know what you do when your kid does something dumb?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: You're you're slow to speak because your chances are the first things coming out of your mouth are probably not the right ones.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, I'm a pastor of a church.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you, the first words are probably not the ones I want coming out of my mouth.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: And they're I'll be honest enough to admit it here on my own podcast.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: And they're the ones that you have to be honest enough to go back and apologize for later.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna get to that.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna get to that.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, but be slow to speak and quick to listen.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I think a lot of us, we don't speak because we don't feel like our words are perfect.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: Can I give you another line?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: They don't need a perfect parent, they need a present parent.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's really good.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so often we put the pressure of our kids to be perfect, and the same pressure applies to us.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: We have to be the perfect parent.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you, you're never gonna be perfect.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: God didn't call you to be perfect, He did call you to be present.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: He is perfect.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: And in your imperfection, you know what's beautiful is they'll see the dependency on the grace of God in your life.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: And if all you ever show them is that you are perfect, here's the thing I've understood.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I had a pastor friend of mine who's gonna be on this podcast later challenge me on this.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, You know what you can't do with the perfect person?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: I go, What's that?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, You can't talk to them because you're always wrong.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll tell you this if you're perfect, your kids can't be real.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because perfection minus Jesus isn't real.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: So let's take it from here.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: I do this to my kids all the time.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: We're here, let's bring it down to here.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: Let's slow the mantra down and do the word that Angela was just saying and listen.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to give you a thought on listening.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to their world, not just their word.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you used it in the medical industry, and I think that is just so good because you're not just listening to what they're saying, you're listening to what's going on.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: In in my world, it's uh it's a full assessment.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm looking at the outside of the patient, I'm hearing what they're saying, I'm looking at their environment, and the same thing goes when I'm talking to my kids.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I I thought it was interesting, and now I'm I'm one track focused.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but you what were you just saying about being perfect?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Be perfect, don't be perfect, be present.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because in your desire to be perfect, and this is somewhere that I struggle with.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: I am not perfect by any means, but in my own mind, perfection in my world is related to being in control.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a really hard thing for me.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you and I have had discussions in our own marriage and friendships and our kids that I just want there to be control.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: I feel safe when I am in control.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: I like to drive the boat, I like to know, I like to have a checklist.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, huge joke for us, but it that brings me comfort when I know start and end.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you certainly don't get that when you're raising teens.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or in most relationships, you can't be in control of everything.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we feel like we're out of control or our kids have done something that embarrasses us and it's not a temper tantrum in target, right?
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's something that they've said or done, and we feel like we're cleaning up the pieces, I'm out of control.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: And when I'm out of control, I feel like I'm spiraling, and then I feel like I can't be this perfect version, this social media version, which no one really is because that doesn't exist.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: Not real.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: But that lack of control for me is where I feel more than I feel a lack of perfection.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there's a few stages of parenting, and this is literally right out of my heart and mind.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: So if I miss this, just forgive me.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: But when your kids are young, you're a commander, you are in control.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: They need a controlling authority.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: And what happens is the older we get, the older they get, the more we want to revert to that level of authority because it does provide safety for us.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: So as your kids decisions they're making, the older they get are way bigger decisions that we're trying to help them navigate.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't know what's best.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know that they don't know what's best.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the frustrating part because the decisions they're making are not which friend to play with or sit with or do whatever, which video game to play.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's driving a car, it's getting a job, it's graduating from high school, it's who you're going to date, it's who you will one day marry.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: These are massive decisions, and those are the decisions for me as a mom who really loves to be in control.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: I can see further into their future than they can see.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to make sure that they don't screw it up.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where that lack of control causes me to sometimes look at them and think, if they would just let me do it.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I have to rely on God and say, take a step back and give them grace, give them the ability to make a decision and be present in the mistake so that I can walk them through what that looks like.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: So when they're young, you're the commander.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna give you all three and then we'll talk them out for just a moment.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna circle right back to listening to their world.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you're the commander.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: You are a controlling authority in their life.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: That is how they learn, is through being controlled.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: You tell them when to eat, you tell them what to do, you tell them what to wear, right?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: As they get older, we want to hold on to that because the consequences get greater.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: But we move from commander to coach, where we're actually not on the court, but we're helping them with the game plan.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: We're helping determine how they're gonna act, right?
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: We are still an authority.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: And then, as we have, my mom would be a consultant, right?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: Where you go to that person and you ask for the help.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the good news.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you look at the arch of relationship, you get to have a relationship with your kids their entire life or your entire life, right?
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: But you have to know which zone you're in.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: And that is really important because if a consultant tries to be controlling, it's gonna be resisted.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's so good.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: If a if a coach tries to be a consultant, they won't play their authority correctly because you're a coach in their life.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: You're developing their talent, you're developing their game plan, you're developing their viewpoints on things.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: You're a coach, you still have authority.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: And if a controlling, which happens now, goes, I just want to be their friend, I want to be liked, I'm gonna be a consultant, you're not shaping their worldview.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: So as a child, if you have young, young kids and you're starting to prepare for these, understand you're a commander right now, but you won't be forever.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: So use it while you got it.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, right?
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're in that middle ground, you're a coach, and some crazy things happen when you're a coach, right?
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: You get to see wins and you get to see losses and you get heartbreaking, you get highlight moments, and you get low light moments, and you get to be there and hug their neck in the middle of it and train them for what's coming.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're a consultant, thank you for being in the long game.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: I love my mama.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: I love that I have a consultant in my corner that I can call and go, I need you to step in and help me understand it.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the phases of parenting.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: And here's what I'll tell you to all of them listening is the line that runs through it all.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: Proverbs 18 and verse 3, I think it is.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: Let me jump in.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: 1813, I apologize.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: It says this to answer before listening, that is folly and shame.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so often, as parents, we are so guilty of answering before we fully listen.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: And one more time, I'm gonna celebrate you with our kids are much better at listening than I am.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because I am ready to tell them what's wrong.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: I am ready to teach them, I am ready to build a worldview in them.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ready to give them three points an intro, a conclusion, a salvation altar call, an altar, repentance, the whole bit, man.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: I see that hand and that hand, and you better raise your hand or I'm gonna break it.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like I am, I am right there.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, this is probably too real, but like I that that's where I'm at because that's what I've trained myself to do.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I look across the room and you're just you're listening to them.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: And listening always says I value you.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and I know it's not easy, but you do it really good.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, so just speak through for a moment to the people that are tuning in, whether listening or watching us online, like what is the discipline of listening when you want to yell?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think I just realized that.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: If I yell, I've ruined the opportunity that I have.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: I may only get one shot at this conversation.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: I may only get one chance.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if I waste that opportunity on pushing them away, which is all yelling will do.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you've gotten to this coach phase, if you not to say that you won't get a second chance at something else, but the likelihood you'll only get one chance at that conversation.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if you push them away in anger or frustration or embarrassment or anything like that, they'll give you a chance at another topic, but they may not give you a chance at that topic again.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if I just try to remind myself that this may be the one chance I get, and I'm just grateful that they came to me.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's, you know, really important.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: Angela and I, if you don't know our story, we were in youth ministry for about 15 years.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: And we've done a few of these in different venues where we talk to parents.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I would always say this, whether it be in my office or in front of, you know, a bunch of parents, I'd always say your response determines the rest of the conversation.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: Your response determines the rest of the conversation.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: So listen long enough to calm down.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, listen long enough to respond and not react.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I if you can't do that, then you need to say, can we give me, give me just a minute?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if you make an excuse to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water or whatever you have to do to walk away for a moment, gather yourself, gather that composure, say a quick prayer, but do that before you overreact.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: A pause is better than breaking down the reality that they trusted you enough to bring you in.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: Statistically speaking, especially going back now to parenting teens, and let me tell you that that principle works in all relationships.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: Uh a tenured pause is better than leaning in and saying the wrong thing.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: So just take a moment and listen and breathe and count to 10 and do all of the exercise that we've seen in all of the movies, that none of them work anyway, because you realize you're still just as angry as you were when you began.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: But you're now angry with some wisdom.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, and that's important.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: Uh do all of the things and all of it.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_01: But at the end of it, if you listen long enough, you're gonna hear two things your thoughts and the Holy Spirit.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times we react so quickly.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: Notice I said react.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: We react out of our flesh, Galatians 5.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_01: Live by the spirit, not by the flesh.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: Can I can I give you another representation of that?
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: Parent out of the spirit, not out of the flesh.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: Be married out of the spirit, not out of the flesh.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: Be a friend out of the spirit, not out of the flesh.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_01: Which means this when I wage into a difficult conversation, I have to do it in the spirit.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: And the spirit cultivates, this is a really important part.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_01: Your response determines whether this next thing happens or not.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: Cultivates honesty even when correction is needed.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: When you think about your faith relationship with God and the Holy Spirit, it actually cultivates honesty and transparency.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times our response pushes it away.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: So in our home, here's how this goes down.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: This is real life.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, this is the journey where we have real life conversations about faith.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is our life right now.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: We may be making this as therapy for ourselves and no one ever watches it.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like, right?
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: That may be what's happening right now.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rudy is back there going, praise God, they're getting this out, right?
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like, this is real life.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like I find out things two and three weeks after an instance from our boys, and I'm like, where did that come out?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it came out with mom.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, real talk.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: It didn't come out with dad because mom is slow enough to be honest with.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and I think it's really powerful, and I want you to speak to that before I bring some theology in, because I think there's a theology here that we have to be careful of.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: What am I bringing out?
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_01: The idea of being at a pace where they're honest.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not just my first response.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like you said, I've got this one chance.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: I got this one chance for them to bring this issue, but it also determines your response, how honest they'll be.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: And if your first, I'll tell you, if your first instinct, let's just call it, we all know the the parent, I'm gonna kill you.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's it.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that like that's the fear of most teenagers.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: My dad's gonna kill me.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's the whole concept, right?
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Dad's gonna kill me.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if the fear is the consequence, they're never gonna come to you as the coach.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're still that authoritarian.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're the commander, man.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: And you need to move that voice down the line going, you gotta be honest, or I can't help you.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: And that's something that we have been fighting desperately in our home.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, man, you gotta be honest or we can't help you.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: And you have your response has to invite honesty.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: And again, it's something that you do really well.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: Is like we were hanging out the other day and somebody said something.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, no, that's not how that happened.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh, well, mom knows.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Well, dad don't.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: Dad don't know.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, because oftentimes my pace of moving through it doesn't promote honesty, where your pace allows enough breathing room to cultivate honesty.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I honestly feel like that's not I'm not as good at it as you think I am.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um I just try to be present.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if I find that one of my kids is off over here doing something, maybe I just go sit and be.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: Or if I'm running off somewhere and I have an errand to go trying to take them with me, even though hanging out with mom is probably the last thing they want to do.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I try to give them that option because that intentional time with them, sometimes together, sometimes alone, gives them the opportunity to open up, but it also allows them to see that I'm just a real person.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and there are times that somebody really makes me angry and I want to act out of my flesh, and I'm reminded that my child is sitting right next to me.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I have to correct myself.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or sometimes my child does something and I go, I wonder if they learned that from me.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then you have to correct yourself and go, okay, I could see where maybe that came from me.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: But at the same time, it's just intentional moments of relationship.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we get the opportunity to do that more.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and sometimes there are seasons where you don't get that much time.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the pace of life is busy and between school and work and everything else going on, um, we feel like that's not as much as we would like.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we've recently just started doing it sounds ridiculous, like family movie night, but we have taken our boys back to some older old school movies.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: Older meaning, you know, early 2000s, which the movie quality Blockbuster was still open, y'all.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: Movie quality will show you that it is older, but they were fantastic movies.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it may just be 90 minutes or two hours that we sit together, but even after that, they're just blown away at the cinema of what we watched early.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: Earth shattering.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, so much so.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it's an intentional time that we spend with them.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they look forward to it, sometimes they feel like they have better things to do, but we make ourselves available to do that.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna give you a couple of thoughts.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_01: I want to get to this theology and how you're shaping it as a parent because I know we've got some parents right now that are about to lean into these conversations, and I'm gonna show you the power of it.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: But something you just said is really powerful, and I wanna I wanna kind of package it to an understanding.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_01: You have to connect with their heart before you correct their heart.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's so good.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: And uh a lot of times what we do is we want to correct and connect at the same time, and you can't do both at the same time.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_01: You can't do both at the same time.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_01: So you have to have these intentional moments of connection so the correction is received.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, one of the things that you do really well is you do you take the boys with you, you do it, and you can listen to this podcast while you're driving around, you can listen to this podcast and think, well, they make it real easy.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you, our schedule is not easy.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's not in it's not one of those things that just slides in.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know, she's working a full-time load as a medical provider.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: I am leading the daily operations at Venture Church.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: We both have jobs, we have two grown kids, we are moving in all kinds of different directions.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: Not grown, growing, growing, growing kids, good chat, growing growing pains, pain in the growing areas, like right.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: So, like we we have these things happening, and it's not that it's easy, but just because it's not easy does not excuse not doing it.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_01: That is correct.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now, as you lean into hard conversations, I want to show you spiritually why this is so, so, so important cultivating honesty.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_01: James has this verse that we know in our spiritual life how it plays out, but let me tell show you how you're shaping it.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_01: James 5, 16.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_01: I was preparing for this conversation, and the thought of this came to me.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: Who's the first person you should ever confess a sin to outside of Jesus?
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_01: And you're right in your life, right?
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_01: So you're five years old, and all of a sudden you realize you did something wrong.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_01: The first person you should run to is your parent.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I started running that down the line.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: We shape what confession looks like for our kids.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_01: And if we're not careful, we teach concealing rather than confession, because we make the consequences greater than the actual cultivation and conviction we're talking about.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: This is an imperative part of this conversation.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_01: So please slow down and listen.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_01: If we never teach them to confess, we can never teach them to be healed.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: And if we're not cultivating a spirit of honesty, if we're not cultivating a spirit of transparency and vulnerability, where our kids learn to confess, you know what's going to happen in their marriage?
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_01: They're going to hide.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: They're going to be concealing.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know what's going to happen when they get to work?
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_01: As long as they don't get caught, it doesn't matter.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know what happens as they get in life, and we all know what that life looks like.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_01: It is a cancer of our soul because we're never healed.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_01: We're not talking about forgiven.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, John says if you confess your sins, he's faithful and just to forgive.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_01: That happens here vertically, me and God, the forgiveness.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: But we also know just because you're forgiven of your sin doesn't mean you're not dealing with the effects of your sin.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's that healing nature.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: And if we don't teach our kids to have vulnerable, authentic, confession-based, they need to listen to me.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: They need to speak it.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, and let me tell you, you don't want to hear it.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want to hear everything, but you know what?
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_01: They need to say it.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_01: They need to confess because you're teaching them the authority and the power that when they speak it, the power is broken over their life.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_01: James said so, and we know this laterally, like, oh, I'm going to confess, I hurt your feelings.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_01: And we kind of think that it says confess your sins.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_01: And where you learn that is with your relationship with your parent.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_01: So you need to be intentional as you're waging into these conversations, you need to be intentional to cultivate a spirit where they're learning to speak in honesty.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most intentional ways, I think, when your children are younger to teach them that confession is to apologize to them.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, so good.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was going to jump right there, but you got there early.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because there have been plenty of times where I have lost it on my children.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: And once I've had a chance to come back and circle back to it, I've I never saw it, by the way.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_01: I never saw any of that, what she's talking about.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_01: She's perfect, y'all.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: I've had to circle back to them.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: They're heartbroken by whatever I said in the moment.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to go back and and honestly apologize.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey guys, I'm really sorry.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: Mommy absolutely lost it.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: I could blame it on any number of things.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: I could blame it on a busy day.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: I could blame it on this.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: I could blame it on them.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: But the blame game never does anything for anyone.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's a matter of them seeing that I took responsibility for my actions.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: I hurt them.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: I apologized.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: Period.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, if you blame and justify your actions, you're teaching them to blame and justify theirs.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: If your apology has a but, it's not an apology.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: So, like, if if you do that to them, don't be surprised when they grow to do it back to you.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's so good.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, I just in the last week called my oldest into my office, set him down in front of some of the staff of this church, and apologized.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm not perfect.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I need to confess, right?
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_01: Confess what I've done wrong.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_01: And not in a, hey, I did this wrong, but you deserved it.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_01: I did this wrong, but you made it happen.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_01: I just like, hey, I did this, it was wrong.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_01: And if we don't cultivate that in our homes, let me tell you, we are raising children who are living in bondage because they can't confess.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where healing often comes, whether it be emotional or mental, or even oftentimes the anxiety of holding this in can turn into physical ailments that we're carrying with stomach pains and all this other stuff and headaches, and because we're overprocessing stress that we're not meant to carry.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_01: And we're processing it because we're not confessing it.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_01: And how you deal with this in your home, I'm praying that you're engaging.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I know a lot of you gone really uncomfortable.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_01: I pray that discomfort drives you to dependency on the Holy Spirit.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're not called to be comfortable, but we are called to engage.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_01: And we can engage outside of our comfort.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I pray that you you cultivate.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_01: No, tell me more.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_01: And you're in the mind going, I don't want to know more.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: No, tell me more.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, hey, how did it make you feel?
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_01: What did this do?
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: And you're getting them to speak.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: And as they're speak, two things are happening.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: As we speak, our hearts get bound together in the moment, and they're being their hearts being set free.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_01: Your kids need you to help them be set free through the power of confession.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'm going to tell you this: you need to bring in an authority, and that's not you.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_01: And you're going, who?
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not talking about calling the police.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I'm talking about the word of God, right?
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_01: The scriptures.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_01: I just did a series called The Study at Venture Church uh recently, and we do it once a year.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_01: The core verse for that, I've got it bookmarked.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna kind of walk you through it, though, is Hebrews 4.12.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_01: It says the word of God is alive and active, it's sharper than any double-edged sword.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_01: It separates even joint and marrow, bone and marrow.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_01: It separates soul and spirit.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and here's the thing: if you don't teach your kids while you're a coach, to investigate the authority of God's word, let me tell you, when they get beyond your authority, they're not going to lean into his authority.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_01: And this is really important.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_01: You can't be the final word.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because here's the thing.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_01: As parents, we want to be the final authority because I said so.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: We've all said that.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_01: Let's not, let's not act like we haven't said it.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because I said so.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_01: My house, my rules.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we have all that mantra.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_01: I have that mantra.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_01: But the reality is what you're saying in that moment, watch this, is that you're the ultimate authority.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_01: And when you go, all right, guys, hey, listen, our house is built on the word of God.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go back and study the scripture.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_01: And whatever it says, we'll agree to walk out.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_01: What you're doing is you're teaching them to investigate a higher authority for the values they live by.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now, what you're also doing simultaneously is you're holding your feet to the fire to live by a higher authority of what you're investigating.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's a really important part of the life, but I think this is it.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_01: And we both have felt board faith.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_01: We were both raised in church.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so I was raised in in a Pentecostal environment where, you know, we were literally, they scared the hell out of us, is how I say it.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if that bothers you, I'm sorry.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh this this podcast is now rated PG 13 according to 1987 rules, right?
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_01: So because I said one bad word and it was hell and it's a real place, okay?
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_01: So just forgive me, right?
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_01: Just forgive me, okay?
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh but I I grew up in a forgive me, but I was like using that as a continuation.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_01: Forgive me, but let me get back to my thought.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_01: Not forgive me, but like I'm sorry, but right?
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_01: So forgive me, but what happened, what ha happened is, what ha happened, what happened is the Bible was used to shame.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_01: As a man, I'm gonna bring you in and I'm gonna thump you over the head.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, we have what we call Bible thumpers.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_01: They would thump you with the Bible and tell you what you're doing wrong, tell you how to do not use the Bible like that.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_01: And here is the line I would give you.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_01: We use the Bible to shape, not to shame.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_01: We use it to shape their worldview, not to shame their behavior.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I would love for you to even go back to your childhood and how you were taught the Bible.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_01: We were in here with my son as we were getting ready for this, and she was literally reciting the 66 books of the Bible in order because we were raised in that.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then I got stumped.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_01: But talk about having the Bible shape a worldview and not bring shame to who they are.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because we are believers, and that is what how I was raised, that is what I am raising my children to be.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I prayerfully believe that it's a matter of generational fate that my children will continue.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because I don't want them to view their world under my lens.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want them to view their world even by what's going on in their own world right now.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because we all know that if you're a grandparent that's watching this, the world looks a lot different than it did for me.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my children's world and the things that I'm navigating with them look a whole lot different than the situations that I navigated.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: The world is a different place.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_00: But the one thing that doesn't change is the word of God.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it is absolutely applicable to every generation, every decade.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the more I read it, the more I realize that it is so applicable and that I can find anything that I need.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: It may look slightly different, but the word of God still applies.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: And what I want my boys to realize is that it's not my worldview.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not just trying to get them to see it my way.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not trying to get them to conform because I said so.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to see why we choose to lead this church, why we choose to put God first in our marriage, why I want them to have godly examples in their life.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I want them to find answers on their own in the Word of God, because I don't want them one day to find themselves lost and wavering.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, if they find themselves in a place like that, I've been their coach and they're coming back to me for that coach or that consultant phase in their life.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I want them to know that I'm there for that, but I want them to be able to find the answers for themselves.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to know that they can go back to the Word of God.
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then it wasn't because my mom said it was this way or because my mom followed Jesus or my dad followed Jesus.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to follow God because they have learned themselves to follow him.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_00: And they have learned that it is applicable in their life, and they have learned that not only have we been present for them, but he will never leave them or forsake them.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the most important thing that I can bring to a parenting relationship to my children is that I follow God, we follow God together, and we lead them together.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so good.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_01: You're you're so good.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, one of the things I would tell you is if they accept your standard because you're an authority, all the enemy has to do is bring a new authority in with a new standard.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_01: So what happens is they leave your house and they go to college, and that college professor has a different worldview and standard, and because they had to accept your worldview because you were authority, now they're in authority.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_01: The college professor is with a new worldview.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_01: They have to accept it because that's what you raised them to do.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_01: But if you raise them that this authority supersedes that, this is what I built on.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_01: The Bible is it, then that sustains them through it.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, right now, 32% of kids in high school have any kind of faith, only 17% in college.
• 42:38
  unknown: Wow.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_01: Why is that metric go down?
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because we raise them to accept our worldview and we never pass it on to them.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_01: So as you engage in conversations, one of the conversations at some point in a teenager's life you're going to engage in is in sexuality.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna give you one scripture today for you to be able to lean in on and just run with.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's 1 Corinthians 6, chapter, or chapter 6, verse 18.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_01: It says, flee from sexual immorality.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_01: All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually sins against their own body.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_01: This word flee from sexual immorality, I just want to break that down for you because I know there's a lot of people that will engage in this at some point in their life, okay?
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're not engaged in that conversation because you're uncomfortable, let me tell you, if you're not engaged, the world is.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_01: Just know it.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't see the sexualization of society as a whole and go, I need the word of God in this and I need my voice in it, you've already missed it.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_01: The average young man is exposed to pornography before age 10.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_01: So if you have a 10-year-old, understand you're already in the fight whether you want to be in the ring or not.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not just young men anymore, it's young women.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_01: The sexualization, human trafficking, it's all out there.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_01: Sexting nudes, the whole bit, it's there.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_01: You go, oh, I want to bury my head in the sand.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's fine.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_01: Bury your head in the sand.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_01: The enemy's attacking your child.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm calling you as a pastor and a leader to a higher level.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get in the conversation.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_01: This word flea.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: Means to absolutely run from like it's on fire.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's the value you give your kid.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_01: You don't say, well, we're old school.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're not old school.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're biblical.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_01: You're not from a different generation.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_01: You're from the same God.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I think sometimes we try to be culturally relevant rather than biblically sound.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I am just, I'm, I'm hoping that I've encouraged you, that we've encouraged you to be biblically sound.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to give you that.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to give you one more thought.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_01: Galatians six, chapter six, verse two, I think.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_01: It talks about carrying one another's burdens.
• 44:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_01: And this word carry means continual.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_01: And here's one final thought that we're going to give them before we wrap this whole conversation up.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_01: You have to walk with them after the conversation.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_01: If your presence leaves at the end of that conversation, because now you're dealing with the ick, you're dealing with the shame, you're dealing with it all, you're confirming in them that their behavior has reshaped the relationship.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_01: This word, Galatians 6, 2, I think it is, is carry.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_01: It means continual.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't say pick up their burden.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_01: It says you're holding it now.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the things you do so well is in the days after a big conversation, you walk so well with the boys.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_01: So just celebrate that.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_01: Give them some final thoughts, and we're gonna land this plane for you guys.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_01: But give them some thoughts on man, encourage them.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_00: Being present is the biggest thing that I can encourage you because, like Sean just mentioned, if if you're not having the conversation somebody is, and if you're like trying to shy away from the conversation because it makes you feel uncomfortable, someone else will step in and be that voice.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to see that for you in any relationship in your life.
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to see someone else taking your place that God gave you to rightfully raise your children because you felt uncomfortable.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_00: We want to encourage you to talk to us, send us a message.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you my cell phone number.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_00: We can walk through what that looks like because I don't want to see you miss an opportunity in those coaching years that one day you regret when you don't have that consultant here.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's so good.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because I want my children one day, we've discussed on multiple occasions having a house big enough for my kids to come back to.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because I absolutely love that you want to be around your mom.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I have told my boys on multiple occasions that I'm a fantastic daughter-in-law, and I really hope, mom, that you would say the same thing to me.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I want to make sure that they see that in me because I want my children to always come home to me.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_00: I never want there to be a place where they feel like, whether as a teenager or as an adult, that they have lost my heart and that they always have a place in my heart and a place in my home.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want a uncomfortable conversation when they're teenagers to take that from you in those consultant years.
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna encourage you, have the hard conversation.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_00: Is it gonna make you uncomfortable?
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are you gonna walk away from it and be like, oh my gosh, I feel like I need to wash my ears, wash my eyes, wash my hands, like I can't believe I just had this conversation with my children.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_00: But then with a smile on your face, realize that I had that conversation with my children, which means they trusted me, they beared that to me.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_00: And now you do get to carry that because if they've been carrying it alone, it is so heavy.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can step in and shoulder that and share that and carry it with them, I promise you it's a feeling like you will never forget.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_00: And they will realize that they have a partner in you that they can trust and that is willing to have those conversations.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it will gain you brownie points, emotional change, whatever you want personality, but it's going to get you the relationship that you desire by having the tough conversations.
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_00: So don't shy away from that.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_01: And in the conversations, as you discover things, there's a few things you're gonna need to know.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_01: One, you're not meant to carry it alone.
• 48:15
  SPEAKER_01: You need a tribe.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_01: Surround yourself with some godly friends that will help you parent your kids in godly ways.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and and just lean into them.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't mean you have to give them all the gory details of what's going on in your home, but you can just even having a friend be like, Man, I'm really fighting with the boys.
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really praying for them.
• 48:33
  SPEAKER_01: Would you just stand with me?
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_01: You need a tribe, you need friends, you need covering.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if you're watching this or listening to it for some all over the world, we're grateful you're part of it.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_01: Can I tell you you need a local church where you have a pastor, you have a small group leader, you have someone in your corner that is sheltering you spiritually.
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes you need professionals.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you're a medical professional.
• 48:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you're gonna hear things go, we need medical help.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we need psychological help.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we need therapy.
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_01: None of those things are bad.
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_01: You are called to be the quarterback, you're not always called to have the ball.
• 49:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's a really important thing as a parent.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_01: All of a sudden, you hear these things and you go, I don't know what to do with that.
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's okay.
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to be the answer, but you have to help them find the answer.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so be the quarterback, run the play.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're called to this.
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_01: God is walking with you.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_01: You're not alone.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_01: We literally sat down tonight to have this conversation with you.
• 49:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's edifying to you.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_01: We are in your corner.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, we're gonna do something different as we wrap up an episode of the journey.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_01: I want to pray.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_01: I want to pray over parents, I want to pray over relationships as you lean into hard conversations.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_00: Can I say one thing before you do that?
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_01: Just one more thing.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: Just one more thing.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make up an answer.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't know, say, I don't know.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_00: But we're gonna circle back and actually circle back.
• 49:51
  SPEAKER_00: Don't say you're gonna circle back because you don't want to have the conversation.
• 49:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you honestly don't know, seek wisdom, get some insight, and then come back and have that conversation.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_00: But don't make it up because they won't forget that you lied to them.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_00: And and in your own mind, you won't think it's a lie in the moment.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: You'll think you're just doing it to say face or get an answer, but they won't forget.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_00: They don't forget anything.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and and a made-up answer is made up in your wisdom and not his.
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_01: So let's go find a real answer.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's because the truth, it's the truth that sets them free.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's the truth that sets people free.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's not our intellect, it's not our made-up junk, it's the truth.
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_01: So take the moment to find the truth.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, I'm gonna pray the truth into your home, into your relationships, into these conversations as you wage in.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_01: Holy Spirit, we just yield.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, we yield our pride, we yield our hurt, we yield our disappointment as we navigate hard conversations and relationships.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, whether it be a marriage that's struggling and they've watched this entire podcast under the context of a marriage, or whether it's a parent-child relationship and they are in that coaching era, and it's just harder than they could have ever imagined.
• 50:59
  SPEAKER_01: I pray that the truth of the Spirit of the Living God, the truth of the Word of God, would reign in our homes and it would create freedom in every home.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_01: I pray, like the scripture says, that you would turn the hearts of the children back to the parents.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_01: And in that, where there may be separation because we were wrong, I pray that there is forgiveness and freedom and healing and restoration in the mighty name of Jesus.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, listen, do us a favor, share this with someone so you can have a community conversation about it.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_01: Subscribe so we can continue to walk out your faith journey.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_01: This is bigger than one conversation because it's encompassed our entire faith worldview.
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_01: So subscribe to the channel, invite us in.
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_01: We're so grateful you gave us this time.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_01: Now, listen, go have the best week of your life and go change the world.