Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 238. Low Libido? Or Is That Just An Excuse?

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238. Low Libido? Or Is That Just An Excuse? · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Is there really such thing as low libido, or is that just an excuse?
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: That is the title of today's podcast episode with the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Welcome.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: I think this is going to be a good one.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I think it's a serious topic.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I don't know exactly where it's going to go.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: My mind is kind of like well, part of me is like let Amy take the lead, because she's the low libido, if there's such thing as low libido, which we're going to talk about in this episode.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: Well, before we start, we are going to jump on the Ultimate Intimacy app and share a would-you-rather question from the conversation starters.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I'm going to ask Nick and put him on the spot Would you rather have a conversation with your future self or a conversation with your past self?
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a tough one.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: I would rather probably make love three times a week than once a week.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: What?
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: Yes, I'm just joking, I'm totally joking.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: I would rather have a conversation.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: Oh, that is a tough one.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: That is so easy for me.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Such an easy answer.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: Okay, don't tell me your answer.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: I would rather probably have a conversation with my past self.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm so opposite.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Really why?
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I just you want to go back and tell yourself.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: I would go back and tell myself to do some things differently or some, you know, shakes and common sense into me.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: I don't know though but like future self.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a tough one, but.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: I already gave my answer, so I can't take it back.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, see, I feel like I would definitely pick future self, because the future self could be like hey, if you do this, this and this, your future is going to be awesome.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: And I'll be like, oh thanks, it's like a crystal ball.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: But I guess going back is kind of a crystal ball.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Well, you can't change, You're not going back to the past.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: So I'm not changing, you're not changing anything, okay, so don't you think future is?
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: like way more beneficial.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: If I can't change anything, yes.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: It's just talking, having a conversation, not changing anything.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: Then I would switch what I said and go to the future.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: You've convinced me, I've convinced you, anyways that's one of the questions on the.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: would you rather game on the conversation starters on the ultimate intimacy app?
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: So you can see that those start some great conversations.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: And I was joking with my first answer.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: Obviously, Nick's always joking about?
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: no, you're not actually the making love comment.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: No, not joking, I thought I heard the question wrong.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: I thought you were asking, not joking.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: I thought you were asking another question.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: Would you rather have make love X amount of times per week, or one?
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: of these days.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: I'm going to throw that question out just for you, to make you super happy.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: So jumping into today's episode let's dive in.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: See you guys next time.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Is there really such a thing as low libido, or is that just an excuse?
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: Well, and maybe we share why we came up with this subject.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: So we had a good conversation the other night and I was just like you know, we watched some TV shows or different things and, like we know, this goes both ways.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: We know there's women that have higher libido than their husbands and vice versa, and so, as we're talking about low libido, just know that we could be talking about either a husband or a wife, but, you know, typically a lot of times it's often the wife that has a lower libido.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Most of the time.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Right Probably 90% of the time.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so just watching shows and that it's amazing.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: Women really know the power of sex.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: They really know that Do they though.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: They do, because you often see that we hear all the time that, oh, when we were and we're not saying this is right or wrong, but we just hear from a lot of people say, oh, when we were dating, we made love all the time.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: You mean first married.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: Well, and some people even when they're dating.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: Obviously you know whatever you believe, but we hear from people all the time saying oh, we made love, we were making love all the time and then once we got married, things completely stopped.
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: Or when we're first married, we were making love all the time, then once we had a child, things stop.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of times women know the power of sex towards a man and it's amazing just to see you also see it like with sometimes divorced couples, like a woman has no interest and then all of a sudden she has a new guy, she's dating or whatever, and things are hot and there's passion and romance and things like that.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: So I guess the point we were having in this conversation is how can it fluctuate like that?
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: How can it be so high and then all of a sudden so low, and then high and then low, and it's just like a roller coaster.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: I don't think it's a roller coaster.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: I think it's really high, I think the newness wears off and then I don't think it's really a roller coaster.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: I think it kind of just dies down.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: So that's what we're going to talk today.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: Is there really such thing as low libido?
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: Or as an excuse?
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: Are there other reasons?
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: What?
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: What's really going on?
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm going to give my two cents real quick before we dive into this.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: And you're, and you're I have low libido.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: I do not have a high sex drive like you.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: That is absolutely a real thing.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Now that doesn't mean that sex sexual intimacy in a marriage has to be bad or to stop, but I think sometimes we can use it as an excuse a lot like oh well, I just don't have your sex drive, I don't want it, but I do think it's.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Low libido is absolutely a real thing.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: But I mean, we talked in our last episode about having a positive mindset and foreplay and getting in the mood.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: That's what makes the sexual intimacy in a marriage great is having being positive about getting in the mood, right?
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: So someone that doesn't have a natural high sex drive like their spouse is going to turn to.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: I need to be positive about getting in the mood.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: So, yes, I do agree that low libido is absolutely real because I do have low libido.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: But I do think that we use it too much as an excuse, and it shouldn't be an excuse, because if you have low libido, that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be prioritized in the marriage or can low libido.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: Maybe could it be confused.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: Maybe maybe it's not as much low libido as your desire.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: Style is different Because it just takes you a different way, or it takes something different or a long longer time to get you in the mood.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: You can get in the mood.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: It's just a different road or a different path to get to.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: That's just called foreplay because low libido means you are already thinking like you have that strong drive up front.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: And most women probably do have a lower libido than men.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: We already know that, right.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Right right, there's high drives, there's low drives.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: High libido, low libido.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: I think that's pretty much.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: I think it's the same thing you could beg to differ.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: But again I come back to, and you see, this often is for some women the drive seems to be high and then it goes low and then it goes high If a couple gets divorced and she finds a new guy she's dating and all of a sudden it's like all the passion and the romance and everything's there, but that means her libido went back up, correct, correct.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: So that's what I'm saying.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: Is there really such thing as low libido, or is the different libido?
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: It's just hitting at different times.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: It's like a roller coaster.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: What causes it to be high one time and low another time?
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: I think is what we all want to know.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: But you're not talking about in a marriage.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: You're talking about if they get divorced and get remarried.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Then the libido comes back, because the newness comes back.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's not a roller coaster in a normal long term marriage.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: Correct.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: It's a roller coaster if you have a new relationship, Right yeah but I think that's the question I'm trying to understand is and I think a lot of men, because we hear all the time that, oh, earlier on she was all over me.
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: I mean, that was our marriage, right, like when we first got married you had a very high drive.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: I think it's because women get a lot of their libido and you guys can email me and correct me if I'm wrong.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: I feel like they get high libido when it is new and exciting, like we talked about in the episode about infactuation stage and then real life hits in.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: Our bodies change.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: We have babies, our hormones change.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: All these things stress, finances, boredom, all these things hit us and it kills libido.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Boredom how can you get bored with this?
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Everybody gets bored.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: Oh, that was a dagger.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: No, it wasn't.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Everybody gets bored.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: That's why we buy new cars, that's why we buy new houses, that's why we watch new TV shows, that's why everyone's addicted to their cell phones and they're swiping.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: We get bored and that's what's causing the big swing in libido differences.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: Is that, I think, for women it's boredness.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: All right audience.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: Let us know what you think, because I would, and we're going to take a poll on this.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: I'm just guessing that I could be wrong, but I would think most men would say that they don't get bored with their spouse, with their wife and most women and maybe I'm wrong, but maybe the majority of women are expressing like what Amy says, right, maybe it's more the women that get bored and need something different.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: But I think most men, like most men, if they're having sexual intimacy and they have that connection with their spouse, and I would say most men are going to be happy and not going to be bored with things.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: But why do you think that's such a difference for men and women?
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: I can tell you, because for men they have a body part that's telling them that that's important to them.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: And for women we don't typically have that, unless you are in that small percentage.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: And even the ones that have the higher drive wives and I've reached out to you because I want to know how you feel but they've said I think I have a higher sex drive because I'm wanting that emotional connection so much for my husband.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: It's not all physical.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: A lot of it is emotional, because women do not have the body part and the testosterone telling their body.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: It's time they need to make love to their spouse.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: We don't have that, so sex for most women is not something that we're constantly thinking about, because our body is not telling us to think about it.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: So when you say, when we talk about this boredom thing and this infatuation stage and all these things that can come into our minds over sex, that's natural for us because we are completely created and designed different than you, and I think that's for a reason.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly I was going to say imagine if you had the same sex drive that I did.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: If every wife or husband had a really high sex drive nothing would get done.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: We would not be getting much work done.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: Not much work, not much childcare, not much nurturing.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: We probably have like 20 kids right now.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: Or not, and just I don't know.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: I feel like God created the sexual wiring in both of us to be different for an absolute reason.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: I feel like the whole plan is created so perfectly, but it takes unselfishness and communication and balance right.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: Oh, no question that, we're always talking about, because this is a really hard thing.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: So it comes down to yeah, your wife might have low libido, but that shouldn't be an absolute wrecker for intimacy.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: I can say I have lower libido than Nick absolutely, but sometimes we do, and this is what the whole episode's about.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Are we using that as an excuse when it's really something deeper?
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: Because I have an entire list in front of me of things that I think cause women to use it as a higher excuse than it needs to be.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I really think you're right and you hit a spot on is that we as men, for the most part, have have that constant desire, right, right, every X amount of days that grows stronger and stronger.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: Our body is telling us like we got to make love, like thank goodness for that right.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: Like we need to make love.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: You don't have that, and so that's we have a different kind of thing.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: That's where yeah, that's where men are typically able to, you know, stress.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: Maybe you won't affect them as much, or stress might even be a reason to make love more Right, you have all these things that maybe affect women a different way, that affect men in a completely different way or don't affect them.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: And I think it's interesting too, because we always say, you know, and most women will agree, and most men will agree too, that women are multitaskers right, like we get literally.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: I remember the days where I'm like nursing a baby, stirring a pot, and like talking on the phone at the same time, like total multitasking.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: But when it comes to the bedroom, like we can't multitask, like if our mind's somewhere else, like it messes everything up, like it's like if I start thinking about something else, like I totally like changes everything like it's the craziest.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: I don't know it's the crazy.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: We might have to do it up, so just tell me that.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: And we as men have one thing that we're one task that we want to accomplish yeah and if you're thinking about that's like all you think about it is I no question, and I and I know that most people are gonna understand where I'm coming from most high-desire spouses, or you know, like when, when it's day three or four, like that's what we're thinking about, like that is what our mind is, like I need it.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: I can't sleep very well, like because I literally am, like you know.
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: I need it I need it and it does like it affects so many things in our life, and it's not that we want it to affect our ourselves that way.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: It's just a natural like response.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: Amy can see me get like a little more grumpy by day.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: You don't get grumpy, but you definitely get more like touchy feely.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: Like I'm not touchy feely, so I'm not gonna say annoying, because that'd be rude, but like almost, like too much, and I'm like fine just leave me alone just let's do it, let's do it.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: No saying that in a good, positive way, but I think I think it comes down to admitting that most husbands would be like I would love to feel less of a drive, and most women would love to feel I wish I had just half of your drive, like I think that's where.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: I think this is where, like the perfect balance, like how much trying to say this the creation was like so good, because that's what marriage is all about is like finding and communicating about that balance.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: Like we all knew, marriage was gonna be this hard test, right and give and take and being unselfish and that's the whole point.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: Of marriage is like communicating.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: I keep saying the word like I apologize.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: Let's jump into the poll results, should we?
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: Because I felt like it was a pretty good poll yeah, I, I totally agree okay, if I can find it okay.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: Couples do we use the I have low libido excuse too often in our marriages, and that was kind of the point of the whole podcast, right?
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: So I have to say before I tell you the answer it was about 50, 50 husbands wise took the poll.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: Okay, so it's not really swayed on gender.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: Do you think the I have low libido is too often used as an excuse in marriage?
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: 85% said yes wow, that's even the women are agreeing that they use as an excuse.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: Absolutely yeah.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: They're probably saying yeah, I definitely use as an excuse.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and not that I use as an excuse to like reject, but I definitely have said it plenty of times like I have lower libido than you.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: That's why I don't want it as much, you know, and that's okay.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: That's healthy to talk about.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: So then we said what are your thoughts on this?
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: I feel like it's an easy way out for her.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: I ask her to be open, mindful and present, but she still puts no effort into physical intimacy.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: So, let's, let's well yeah let's pause real quick too.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: So, like I've said this before, but if you're a spouse that has no desire, it's really easy just to say no, like I'm not in the mood, right?
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: Right, I'm not in the mood.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: I'm not in the mood, and it's so hard to understand how your spouse is feeling.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: So I think that's why you know we did a podcast on this before.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Last podcast.
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: Well, and even previously, where we said does your wife or the lower desire spouse control if and when sex is going to happen?
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: And I think that's natural.
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: If you're a spouse that has no desire, you're just like, oh, I'm not in the mood.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: Therefore, we're not doing it.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: Right, right.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: As a low libido wife, I have been able to increase my libido by changing my habits and my mindset.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: That is a.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: That's the comment we're looking for right there.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: I love that because it is so true, like if you have a negative attitude towards sex, you're not going to want it.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Well, you're never going to change you're never going to find a solution if you're not looking for one right?
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: And if you just change your mindset and say, you know what my body doesn't crave it.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: But what are some of the things that I can do to better that desire Like, and just really have an open mind and say, okay, yeah, maybe I don't have that desire but I could, you know, do a better job at making time for it I could.
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: I can understand that maybe I'm not in the mood immediately, but I can get in the mood for play and you know there's a lot of things that people can do, and changing your mindset like that, that simple thing alone, can be a game changer.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: And I was going to add to that.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Another solution is I want to get in the mood.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: I have a positive mindset about sexual intimacy.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: What can help me?
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: And that's when we finally gave in at year 15 and said you know what, if we need to buy a toy or an aid to help this process become better for both of us, maybe that's the solution right.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: How can we improve it?
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: So, instead of it just being one spouse that's a low desire spouse, saying I don't want it how do you work together as a team?
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: Because that's what sex is really about.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: Right Is growing closer together as a couple and being vulnerable and experiencing that amazing thing together.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: So how do you talk about it?
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: How do we, as a couple you know help with this?
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: What are the things we can do?
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: You have to have, you have to talk about it, you have to talk about it, which is going to be our next episode is all about talking about it.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: It is a mindset.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: I have to be intentional, only I.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: Once I get there mentally, my body will follow.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: I love that women are playing with this because they probably have low libido but great sexual intimacy in the marriage.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: All because I'm willing to get there mentally.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: My body will follow.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: That is me 100%, and probably a lot of women if they change their mindset about it.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: Another husband said wife is completely checked out and won't tell me what's going on physically or emotionally.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: Let's really go back and listen to the episode about what to do when your spouse won't talk about it.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: Like you have to talk about it.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: Another comment was possibly pre menopause.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: And they're definitely in pre menopause and I still think that that's an excuse.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: And I know menopause sucks.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Everyone's warning me, my friends are all warning me, but a lot of them still have great sex life because they don't let it become an excuse.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, still, prioritize it Still prioritize it and have a good mindset about how do I fix the problem.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: How do I fix fix my health issue or my stress issue or whatever is going on because of menopause or pre menopause?
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: How do I fix that so I can still be positive about it In sickness long term and in health?
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: I think he's talking about boughs or promises you make at marriage.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, having a sexual intimacy and strong emotional intimacy is a big part of what marriage commitment means.
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: So I know I joke around a lot and I'm gonna be real serious, but like the fact that Amy that I know sexual intimacy isn't her favorite thing, but the fact that she's willing to do it because it's important to me is amazing and I love her more than works can ever express and my like.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: Our marriage is absolutely.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: I feel like it's the best it's ever been.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: But I think the fact that she's willing to do that shows me how much she loves me.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: And I think, women, if you're listening out there, just being willing to show your husband that you love him and rather than just using an excuse, but actually trying to connect, I think you'll see your marriage change in a lot of ways.
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: Your love grows stronger, your love grows deeper, your emotional intimacy improve.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: I don't think you recognize, like, how important it is to just at least put forth some effort in this area.
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it might not be your favorite thing to do, but even if it's not your favorite thing to do, you'll see so many aspects of your relationship, including the intimacy aspect, improve to the point to where you're like, wow, I can see my marriage really changing in such a positive way because of this that I now want to do this more because I can see all the benefits of it, rather than, you know, just oh, I'm not in the mood.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: I'm not in the mood, I don't know, like again, not to keep repeating myself, but my love for Amy is so much deeper because I know, I'm like, oh, she really does love me, because she is willing to Recognize how important this is to me to connect.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: This is my love language, you know, etc.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: Etc.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: And Anyways, just I think you don't, you don't realize the importance of this in your husband's life and your husband's relationship with you.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: I love that and I think that a lot of women don't realize that if they would prioritize being intimate more, like every husband always says, he would probably step it up so much more in the emotional Intimacy department because he feels so loved.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it gets to a point for a lot of husbands that express to us like I Give, I give, I give emotional needs, we talk, I'm respectful, I'm kind, I'm romantic, I do all these things and my needs are still not prioritized in my marriage.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: And that's so heartbreaking to me and For so many men.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: Because it goes, marriage goes both ways right.
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it does.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: The next comment is I think social media is taking spouses away from what matters most.
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: I Think that's definitely causing distractions, and I guess you could call it low libido.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: But when your mind, when your mind is somewhere else, it's obviously not going to be, you know, connecting with your spouse and I think a lot of Men and women, but a lot of women are so addicted to their phones that it's causing lack of libido because they're getting that dopamine hit that our bodies Technically need from social media instead of from sex, because that's where we're Supposed to get that and we're not picking on you, women.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: The men.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: Men are guilty too of this but you.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: But we did stats and the stats came back showing this that it is Women mostly it's more addicted to mostly women.
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: We did our poll.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: I did a big poll and and we just did that big episode With Nate yep on social media and addiction and all that wrecking intimacy right.
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we has been absolutely could do a much better job all around as well, providing you what, what you know, what you need it.
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: So it's definitely, it's definitely both ways, and that's that's why we're doing the podcast, and everything that we do is is Talking about all these things that can help couples connect on a deeper level and have a better marriage.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm not gonna keep reading comments because I feel like I want to move on, but I did have one comment from a lady that said Maybe a woman doesn't feel confident in how they look, or a guy after I have a baby and have gained weight, I don't really want to have sex because I don't like how I looked.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: I start exercising again, then I feel more confident and I don't say no like I did before.
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: I just want to talk about Body image concerns, because that's big for women.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: Um, they might say they have low libido, but I think, if your wife's always using that as excuse, I think that you need to be loving and and and really show her that you want to dive into what the real issue is, because a lot of women probably won't say it's because I Don't like my body.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: Oh, I don't know.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: The wives are just gonna raise their hand and admit that all the time, and a lot of men have the same problem, right?
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: Absolutely it goes both ways.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: But I think knowing, especially after a wife has a baby or has gained a bunch of weight, or men too it's really important to be like how do I make you feel beautiful, how do I make you feel Amazing, just the way you are?
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: And I think this whole podcast is about not using low libido as an excuse.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: But is it a deeper issue?
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: And I'm finding we did another poll after this about why are you using it as an excuse?
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: And a lot of it came down to stress and anxiety is taking away my libido.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: Relationship issues or deeper issues in the marriage are taking away my libido.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: I mean, libido is a real thing, but it's being caused by other things Body image concerns medical conditions or medications.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: A lot of people on antidepressants or anxiety pills.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: That affects libido, like those kind of things affect.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: Like medications affect libido Lack of emotional connection in the marriage.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: That is going to you're going to think you have low libido, but a lot of the times it's a deeper issue in the relationship that needs to be talked about and resolved, because I think for a lot of women it's like oh, I just don't want to, I don't have a drive like you, but it could be that they're bored.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: It could be that they're feeling neglected.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: It could feel like they're feeling or him feeling like they're second to their spouse's phone.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: It could feel like they're doing everything and their spouse is doing nothing, like it's a lot of things that we talk about right Absolutely, and that's going to when you get resentment in your marriage, frustrated in your marriage, when there's some kind of Lose trust, Lose trust.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: Any of those kind of things are going to totally kill libido, because great sex comes from having a great relationship and when your relationship is suffering, that's absolutely going to kill anybody's sex drive right.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: For a lot of men you say, well, that would fix things.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: For me is to be intimate.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: But for women most women were opposite of that.
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: And that's important to remember for men.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: Well, I think it's important for both spouses to remember For both spouses.
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: Like I, Okay, and I know a lot of people are going to say well, you're just the man, you just that's why you're going to say this.
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: But if couples just started making love more often and being open to that, it really would fix a lot of issues.
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: It really would.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: But I'm going to stick on the women's side.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: I'm not willing to make love unless I'm feeling safe, secure and treated with respect and kindness in my marriage, like we talked about right.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: Exactly, and those are totally understandable.
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: But if you have a husband that's treating you with respect and love and kindness and you are getting those things met and you're not, I guess, connecting with him intimately, that's what I'm saying.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: I agree, of course.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: We agree that you know if I'm abusing you or I'm lying to you or things like that, you're the last thing in the world you're going to want to do is make love Absolutely.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: And I'm not at all saying, oh, just go make love.
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: Now we're talking as we always say.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: We're talking about people that are in healthy marriages.
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: If you're in a healthy marriage and you are treating each other with respect and you're trying your hardest, you're trying to communicate openly and being honest and meeting the emotional needs, if you're a couple like that that's what I'm saying is, if you're in a healthy marriage and you want your marriage to get to the next level, one of the best things you could do is connect intimately.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: I agree.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: And like we already just mentioned.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: Stepping up the sexual intimacy usually helps the emotional intimacy increase because they go hand in hand.
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: They always go hand in hand.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: So you know, instead of using the excuse I have low libido.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: You know, I really liked again changing your mindset and saying what can we do?
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: Sit down and talk together as a couple.
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: We're going to talk about this in the next episode.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: You know how to have these tough intimate conversations, because that is really the key.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: But if you can sit down as a couple and have these conversations, then you can work together as a team to say how do we get our intimate life better, what are things I can do for you, and vice versa.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: What is causing the low libido?
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: What is causing the low libido and stop using this as an excuse in your marriage.
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: So perfect.
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: Anyways, we hope you enjoyed the podcast today.
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: The next one's going to be a good one as well, so stay tuned for that, and until next time, we hope each one of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: And if you have a minute, please leave us a review, and we love when you email us, amy, at ultimateintimacycom.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: We'd love feedback.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: We would love to know what you would like to hear from us and, yeah, send us a quick message.