Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 133 | The Fainting Conch

Transcript

133 | The Fainting Conch · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: I mean, we have stopped.
• 0:02
  Matt: Had to we didn't even begin the cold open, and he has stopped to m to give a box to this cat.
• 0:09
  Matt: And I see uh Amelia, she's got this box going on.
• 0:15
  Matt: She's running all over.
• 0:17
  Matt: And like he has no idea.
• 0:19
  Matt: Like he has no clue what's going on about anything.
• 0:22
  Matt: Hey, he's back.
• 0:23
  Matt: And he's back.
• 0:24
  Matt: I wasn't talking shit about the cat.
• 0:26
  Matt: Don't worry.
• 0:27
  Matt: Good.
• 0:28
  Matt: I didn't hit record already or anything.
• 0:30
  Matt: Nothing to nothing to see, hear, nothing to worry about.
• 0:32
  Matt: Kill you.
• 0:35
  Eric: I will murder you.
• 0:38
  Matt: You'd choose you'd choose this cat over me.
• 0:41
  Matt: You kid if if if jigsaw had you in a trap, yeah, and your cats in one uh saw coming down on your cat, saw coming down on me.
• 0:51
  Matt: You must you must choose, Eric.
• 0:55
  Eric: I'm like, I I could not find that lever fast enough.
• 0:57
  Eric: It was like, is the one labeled Matt?
• 0:59
  Eric: Is it just you shot me in half of this cat?
• 1:02
  Matt: This this pussy?
• 1:06
  Eric: I would do anything for this pussy.
• 1:10
  Eric: I would commit war crimes for this cat.
• 1:11
  Eric: Eric, we have been friends for over 15 years.
• 1:15
  Eric: Yeah, but look at her.
• 1:16
  Matt: I I can't.
• 1:18
  Matt: And don't go, don't go picking this cat up a little bit.
• 1:20
  Matt: Look at her.
• 1:22
  Eric: Look at her, Matt.
• 1:24
  Eric: Look how pretty she sits.
• 1:25
  Eric: She's sitting very pretty.
• 1:26
  Eric: She's sitting so pretty.
• 1:28
  Matt: She's sitting so pretty as she plots whatever devious thing she's gonna be up to next.
• 1:33
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:33
  Matt: Fucking fucking narcissistic animal.
• 1:36
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:37
  Matt: She can't help that she knows she's perfect.
• 1:39
  Matt: Oh, she ain't perfect, friend.
• 1:41
  Matt: Come on, flawless.
• 1:44
  Matt: So you would cut me in half to save this cat.
• 1:47
  Eric: Bro, I I I yeah, like I like instantly.
• 1:52
  Matt: First friend, first friend I made at college you.
• 1:55
  Matt: And look, I I'd feel bad about it.
• 1:58
  Matt: But there would be no doubt in my mind.
• 2:01
  Matt: Fucking broken up about it.
• 2:03
  Eric: I like madam, so alright.
• 2:05
  Eric: But she needs her treats.
• 2:08
  Eric: Who's gonna give her belly scritches in heaven?
• 2:10
  Eric: Why are you bringing the saw down multiple times?
• 2:14
  Eric: I gotta confirm the kill, man.
• 2:17
  Eric: I'm not look, that's how you know I'm a good friend.
• 2:20
  Eric: I'm not just gonna like sit there, like pull the lever and like look away because it's so horrifying.
• 2:25
  Eric: That might fuck it up.
• 2:26
  Eric: I don't I don't want my boy to suffer.
• 2:27
  Eric: I just want you to get chopped in half so I can have my kitty.
• 2:30
  Matt: Eric, I all I can say is I I would say that I can't blame you because if it was you versus Jaws.
• 2:40
  Matt: Yeah, you save Jaws.
• 2:41
  Matt: Yeah, but I have known Jaws 30 years I've been keeping him alive.
• 2:47
  Matt: I'm gonna shop in half a turtle that I have known for the vast majority of my existence.
• 2:55
  Matt: Almost all of it.
• 2:57
  Matt: We almost hatched at the same time.
• 3:00
  Matt: But then, yeah, she, Eric, she has you've brought the camera back to this cat multiple times, has yet to even fucking look at you.
• 3:07
  Matt: She doesn't even fucking look.
• 3:09
  Matt: She knows I'm here, but you had to stop the cold open to go nuzzle and kiss this cat.
• 3:16
  Matt: Yes, simply because she was, and I appreciate it because she was meowing up a storm, and we were never gonna get a clean start to the show.
• 3:22
  Eric: And now she's calm.
• 3:23
  Eric: She's gotten hers, and now she's calm.
• 3:26
  Matt: And now let me ask you this.
• 3:28
  Matt: I'm gonna get mine, Eric.
• 3:30
  Eric: Oh, you're gonna get yours, Matt.
• 3:31
  Eric: Chop.
• 3:32
  Eric: It's all right, go.
• 3:34
  Matt: No, my attention, Eric.
• 3:35
  Eric: Oh, yeah, you've got it.
• 3:36
  Eric: Who's my good?
• 3:38
  Matt: Who's my good boy?
• 3:39
  Matt: See, now you're talking to me like a dog, and that's appropriate.
• 3:42
  Matt: Who's my good boy?
• 3:43
  Matt: That's appropriate.
• 3:44
  Matt: By the way, I don't care what your story was.
• 3:47
  Matt: This was the cultivation.
• 3:48
  Matt: Oh, this is the culture.
• 3:49
  Matt: If you didn't know, it's the podcast answering life's least pressing questions.
• 4:18
  Matt: My name, it's Matthew Shea.
• 4:20
  Matt: My name, for the record, is Eric Poach.
• 4:23
  Matt: Eric Poach, I have a few demands, and the first one is how are you?
• 4:28
  Matt: Tell me now.
• 4:29
  Eric: Um, I will immediately capitulate.
• 4:31
  Eric: Uh, surely this will get you to release my daughter.
• 4:35
  Eric: I'm doing well.
• 4:37
  Eric: I'm I'm doing well as I was sharing with you.
• 4:39
  Matt: Release your daughter.
• 4:40
  Matt: I don't have her in my possession, Eric.
• 4:42
  Matt: She's very notably behind you.
• 4:45
  Eric: Oh, I'll still give you everything you ask for.
• 4:48
  Eric: Um, I'm easy when it comes, like I'm the last guy to do it.
• 4:51
  Eric: Oh, because I said demands.
• 4:52
  Eric: Yeah, demands.
• 4:53
  Matt: Like, I see the bit you're doing now.
• 4:55
  Matt: Yes, yes, but I wasn't doing a bit.
• 4:56
  Matt: I was just asking how you were.
• 4:58
  Matt: And that and you know what?
• 4:59
  Matt: That's my mistake.
• 5:00
  Matt: I forgive you.
• 5:02
  Matt: And for that I apologize.
• 5:03
  Eric: Doing great.
• 5:04
  Eric: Uh taking a like I was telling you before, taking a wee break from my vivance, my ADHD meds.
• 5:12
  Eric: Because I'm saying during abundance of free time.
• 5:15
  Matt: Yes, you were saying during our our our now named pre-show segment, Off Mike on God.
• 5:21
  Eric: Off mic on God.
• 5:23
  Eric: Off mic on God, taking a break from my legal amphetamines.
• 5:27
  Eric: Yeah.
• 5:27
  Eric: And uh, it's lovely.
• 5:29
  Eric: It was, it was, it was uh, you know, it was a weird couple of days because my body went through withdrawal.
• 5:36
  Eric: Of course.
• 5:36
  Eric: Um drugs work.
• 5:38
  Eric: Yeah, I was like, oh man, I I I remember this mind space having been here in pertinent decade.
• 5:45
  Matt: A couple months ago, I switched antidepressants.
• 5:48
  Matt: And man, the switch, the the the process, the bridge between is just uh it's it's a it's a bit of a mess.
• 5:57
  Matt: I just had these like mind spasms, like it felt like yeah, the brain zaps.
• 6:03
  Matt: The brain zaps are it's there's no way to accurately describe the brain zaps.
• 6:08
  Matt: Other than zap.
• 6:09
  Matt: Other than zap.
• 6:10
  Matt: Like there's no way to describe it's like my vision flutters, but it doesn't.
• 6:15
  Matt: Yeah, it's like it's like my ears pop, but they don't.
• 6:19
  Matt: Like it's it's weird, and it's it's a split second.
• 6:22
  Matt: Anyway, all my depressed people out there, you know what we're talking about.
• 6:26
  Matt: You know how it is, you know how it is.
• 6:29
  Matt: Eric, we got some questions here.
• 6:30
  Matt: We do, and then we have some Google gripes.
• 6:34
  Matt: No, we don't.
• 6:35
  Matt: I was like, oh shit.
• 6:37
  Matt: Oh no, oh God.
• 6:39
  Matt: No, we're actually going back in the it's been a minute since we did a local legends.
• 6:45
  Matt: Locally sourced, grass-fed legends.
• 6:47
  Matt: And we're gonna end with that.
• 6:48
  Matt: I uh I'm I'm on a second page of my write-up about my uh local legend um because I prepare for this show.
• 6:56
  Matt: And uh I you I hear you've got a good one for me too, so I'm very excited.
• 7:01
  Eric: Yes, and it is seven or eight bullet points on a notepad in my phone.
• 7:06
  Eric: Oh, yeah, I know how you do.
• 7:08
  Eric: You know how it is.
• 7:09
  Eric: I know how you do, you messy son of a bitch.
• 7:12
  Eric: Should we get in sloppy?
• 7:14
  Eric: 2026 is a year we're getting sloppy.
• 7:19
  Matt: I can say definitively, it will not be the year I get sloppy.
• 7:23
  Matt: You're gonna get so sloppy.
• 7:25
  Matt: But more on that next show.
• 7:27
  Matt: Anyway, the the the uh questions, Eric.
• 7:32
  Matt: Should we get into them?
• 7:33
  Matt: Let's get into them, Matt.
• 7:34
  Matt: Let's do it.
• 7:36
  Matt: Um, this one it comes from actually, Eric, why don't you read the first one?
• 7:41
  Matt: Because I was corresponding with the submitter of the second one.
• 7:44
  Matt: Oh, yes.
• 7:45
  Matt: So why don't you read this first one for the people and I'll react to it?
• 7:49
  Eric: Our first one comes from our liege, Dairy King 11.
• 7:53
  Eric: That was me reacting to it.
• 7:56
  Eric: That was very good.
• 7:57
  Eric: How am I doing?
• 7:58
  Eric: You're doing great.
• 7:59
  Eric: This is the this is the show now.
• 8:01
  Eric: It's just we do reaction videos, but in an audio media.
• 8:04
  Eric: But without the video.
• 8:05
  Eric: Without the video.
• 8:06
  Eric: That's the secret.
• 8:08
  Eric: Um from Dairy King Eleven.
• 8:10
  Eric: If time travel is ever invented, what is the first prank that you would pull on someone from the past?
• 8:18
  Matt: Thank you, Dairy King 11.
• 8:19
  Matt: All hail the king, baby.
• 8:21
  Matt: Listen, the thing that intrigues me about this question, Eric, is it says specifically a prank.
• 8:29
  Eric: Yes.
• 8:29
  Eric: So we are we are prankster god time travelers.
• 8:32
  Eric: Yes, we have become Loki in this circumstance.
• 8:36
  Matt: Two lokes making much mischief.
• 8:38
  Matt: Two Loki's both alike in mischief.
• 8:41
  Matt: We thank you.
• 8:43
  Matt: Thank you.
• 8:43
  Matt: Yeah, it's one of my highbrow jokes.
• 8:47
  Matt: But usually the way this question goes is it's some sort of like, what would you change?
• 8:52
  Matt: Who would you kill?
• 8:54
  Matt: What yeah, what what uh what what terrible event would you prevent?
• 8:59
  Matt: This is what prank Who would you fuck with?
• 9:02
  Matt: What exactly like who would you fuck with?
• 9:05
  Matt: And also the first prank, implying that Dairy King is only interested in time travel for hijinks.
• 9:13
  Matt: That's my king.
• 9:15
  Eric: That is my noble king.
• 9:17
  Matt: Prank to me says we're trying to avoid any sort of prolonged, like space-time continuum upset.
• 9:28
  Eric: Oh yeah, I think I think we're we're maintaining the sacred timeline, but we are pulling some we're pulling some goofs, we're pulling some, we're pulling some fast ones.
• 9:36
  Matt: Who do you think deserves to be pranked historically?
• 9:39
  Matt: Or can you think of a good prank right off the bat?
• 9:42
  Eric: So my my fur my where my brain immediately went is I want to go back through time and retroactively make myself a cameo in a bunch of famous movies.
• 9:52
  Eric: Nice.
• 9:52
  Eric: Like I I like I wander behind in the background and I'm just I'm like I'm just there doing doing stuff.
• 10:01
  Eric: You just want to be a living, breathing Easter egg.
• 10:04
  Eric: Yeah.
• 10:04
  Eric: I ooh, here's what I want to do.
• 10:06
  Eric: I yeah, I I and I want to I want to appear in the background of enough films making like a specific like like hand motion, like I'm just gonna point slightly off screen that some movie buff somewhere is gonna have an entire conspiracy theory surrounding me.
• 10:22
  Eric: Ooh, that actually gives me a great idea as well.
• 10:26
  Matt: What if it's not a prank on because what's the question?
• 10:29
  Matt: If time travel was invented, what first prank would you pull on someone from the past?
• 10:35
  Matt: This does go against the on someone from the past a little bit, but it plays up the prank aspect.
• 10:41
  Matt: You know these like these look-alikes in portraits and things.
• 10:46
  Matt: I uh one by one of Keanu Reeves jumps forward.
• 10:49
  Matt: We talked about it way back in the day, single-digit episode, I believe, talking about vampires.
• 10:54
  Matt: Keanu the undying, yes.
• 10:56
  Matt: Yes, there's like a there's like a renaissance painting of a man that looks strikingly like a Keanu Reeves, and then there's like a a black and white photograph from like the 1880s that also looks like Keanu Reeves, and people are like, is he a time traveler?
• 11:11
  Matt: What if we facilitated that?
• 11:14
  Matt: Only it was true.
• 11:16
  Matt: We are time travelers, and we make sure that we show up in these different oh, like famous paintings, famous paintings, and we're like, to your point, not it's not like a portrait of us, but we're just around, like we're just there somehow of like a historical happening, and then when we get to like 1880s or whatever, we're in these black and white you know, gold rush photos.
• 11:43
  Matt: There's one photo of us there panning in a river.
• 11:47
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 11:48
  Matt: And the two, and if we do it together, the two a duo that really sticks out.
• 11:53
  Eric: That really fucks with them.
• 11:55
  Matt: Two people that always sort of are together and look the same throughout history.
• 11:59
  Matt: That's a fun prank.
• 12:00
  Matt: But that's on the living.
• 12:01
  Matt: That's on the that's on the current.
• 12:03
  Matt: Who do we pull prank on in the past?
• 12:06
  Matt: The first thing that jumped to mind is we could talk to Alexander Graham Bell when he's doing the first phone call.
• 12:15
  Matt: Like we could we could get in there somehow and be like, sorry, who's this?
• 12:20
  Matt: Who's on the other line?
• 12:22
  Matt: Yeah.
• 12:22
  Matt: We could that fucking Bell.
• 12:25
  Matt: God damn it.
• 12:27
  Eric: We could also look up, hold on.
• 12:28
  Eric: Let me see.
• 12:29
  Eric: Let me see when were refrigerators invented.
• 12:33
  Eric: Because man, we can really pioneer.
• 12:36
  Eric: But again, we're not pioneering any, we're not stealing credit for anything.
• 12:40
  Eric: No, what I'm saying is like we can we could be the first to do the is your refrigerator running bit against Alexander Graham Bell.
• 12:49
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:50
  Eric: That's good.
• 12:51
  Eric: That's good.
• 12:53
  Matt: Let's see.
• 12:54
  Matt: Because his first thing is like, Dr.
• 12:57
  Matt: Watson, I need you, or whatever it is.
• 12:58
  Matt: That's the first communication.
• 13:01
  Eric: It's unfortunately Bell invented the the telephone about 30 years before refrigerators were a thing.
• 13:07
  Eric: Okay, okay.
• 13:09
  Eric: What if we okay, so not the refrigerator?
• 13:12
  Eric: Is your icebox running?
• 13:14
  Eric: But running might not make any sense.
• 13:16
  Eric: Is your outhouse a foot?
• 13:20
  Matt: Is your fainting couch a a pulse?
• 13:23
  Matt: Is your conch shell that you keep around for fainting episodes running away?
• 13:29
  Matt: Fainting couch?
• 13:31
  Eric: It's the 1800s.
• 13:32
  Eric: You could have any number of weird things.
• 13:34
  Eric: Have you taken your ether today, Alex?
• 13:38
  Matt: Alex, have you taken your ether?
• 13:40
  Matt: Have you taken your liquid magnesium?
• 13:44
  Matt: Oh man.
• 13:45
  Eric: And then we can hit him with like your have you taken your silver rations today?
• 13:50
  Eric: Have you taken your tincture of mercury laced with a with a little heroin to take the edge off?
• 13:58
  Matt: Alexander, it seems your house is not up to asbestos code.
• 14:03
  Matt: Put more in there.
• 14:07
  Eric: Alexander, you got them so good.
• 14:09
  Eric: Oh, we fucking got him.
• 14:11
  Eric: We got him.
• 14:12
  Matt: That's what we would say on the intercepted telephone line.
• 14:15
  Eric: What the fuck?
• 14:17
  Eric: I got a bad connection.
• 14:19
  Eric: Oh no, that's how we prank him.
• 14:20
  Eric: That's how we prank him.
• 14:23
  Eric: I've got it.
• 14:24
  Eric: So, so you know he used the first call was calling his servant into the other room.
• 14:29
  Eric: Yeah, that's what I was saying.
• 14:30
  Eric: It's like, I come here, I need you.
• 14:32
  Eric: Here's what we do we go to Alexander Graham Bell's house.
• 14:36
  Eric: We time it to about 30 seconds before he's about to make the first phone call.
• 14:41
  Eric: And we go to find a servant.
• 14:43
  Eric: We're like, oh, he needs you.
• 14:45
  Eric: So that way, as he's going to pick up the phone, so he's like, You needed me, sir?
• 14:49
  Eric: Oh, did that happen?
• 14:54
  Matt: And then it just completely fucks him up.
• 14:56
  Matt: Or what if we somehow subdue the subdue the man?
• 15:00
  Matt: Yeah.
• 15:01
  Matt: The assistant boy.
• 15:01
  Matt: Yes.
• 15:02
  Matt: The assistant boy.
• 15:03
  Matt: Assistant boy.
• 15:04
  Matt: We chloroform him.
• 15:05
  Matt: So he's he's down for the count.
• 15:07
  Matt: We put him in a closet, hitman style.
• 15:09
  Matt: Yeah, yep, yep.
• 15:10
  Matt: Stick him in a closet.
• 15:12
  Matt: He'll be fine.
• 15:13
  Matt: Yep.
• 15:13
  Matt: He'll be fine.
• 15:14
  Matt: We don't need to worry about him for the rest of the mission.
• 15:16
  Matt: Those are the rules of the world.
• 15:18
  Matt: So he's in the closet.
• 15:20
  Eric: I think he was on another one of his ether frolics.
• 15:23
  Matt: And he says, Dr.
• 15:24
  Matt: So-and-so, I need you.
• 15:25
  Matt: We should, at this juncture, probably look up the guy, but we will continue to not.
• 15:30
  Matt: So little Charlie, Dr.
• 15:33
  Matt: Charlie Brown, I need you.
• 15:35
  Matt: We've put him in.
• 15:38
  Eric: Back then you had to have a doctorate to be an assistant boy.
• 15:40
  Eric: Assistant to the boy.
• 15:41
  Eric: Assistant to the boy.
• 15:43
  Eric: We put him in there.
• 15:44
  Eric: We're the boy.
• 15:44
  Eric: Back, yeah, we're the boy.
• 15:45
  Matt: Back then the boy.
• 15:46
  Matt: We got hired.
• 15:47
  Matt: We get ourselves a job at an internship at the internship at the Alexander Granbell's house.
• 15:53
  Matt: Okay.
• 15:53
  Matt: And and we we stick the boy in the the servant boy assistant man into the closet, chloroformed.
• 16:02
  Matt: He's down for the count.
• 16:03
  Matt: When Alexander calls to say, Come here, I need you, we say, Oh, good, because we've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty.
• 16:14
  Eric: Got and then then we'll hit him.
• 16:16
  Eric: And then when he stares at us completely aghast, we just go like, oh, maybe you're not ready for that one.
• 16:22
  Matt: And says, What's a warranty?
• 16:25
  Matt: What the hell are you talking about?
• 16:30
  Eric: What?
• 16:30
  Eric: And then we and then we kill him.
• 16:33
  Eric: And then we murder Alexander Graham Bell.
• 16:35
  Eric: See, this is where you're losing the the plot of the Oh no, it's great.
• 16:39
  Eric: It's like it's it's like trading places with uh Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy.
• 16:42
  Eric: And then we we make we make Dr.
• 16:44
  Eric: Charlie assistant boy Captain.
• 16:47
  Eric: He's now Alexander Graham Bell.
• 16:49
  Eric: When he wakes up, we're like, Mr.
• 16:50
  Eric: Bell, you just invented your phone.
• 16:53
  Matt: Here it is, and we hand him a Nokia razor.
• 16:56
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 16:57
  Matt: Is it Nokia?
• 16:58
  Eric: No, Motorola.
• 16:59
  Eric: It's Motorola.
• 17:00
  Eric: Nokia is the one that'll just never die.
• 17:03
  Eric: That that'll still be functioning by the time, by the time like we'll we'll go to a museum and Motorola.
• 17:08
  Eric: I was right.
• 17:08
  Eric: Oh Motorola.
• 17:09
  Eric: Hello, Moto.
• 17:10
  Eric: Well, I I was right the second time, to be clear.
• 17:13
  Matt: So that one's great.
• 17:14
  Matt: We uh Okay, so that's how we prank Alexander Graham Bell.
• 17:17
  Matt: Who nailed it?
• 17:18
  Matt: As the people have been clamoring to for so long.
• 17:22
  Matt: Who else can we historically prank, do you think?
• 17:25
  Eric: Oh man.
• 17:26
  Matt: Because I like I like that as a first prank, uh, like get our feet wet with the prankdom.
• 17:32
  Matt: I also like the showing up in time travel throughout history to stoke conspiracy theories that will be right.
• 17:40
  Eric: That will be correct, but no one will believe them.
• 17:42
  Eric: Especially now.
• 17:43
  Eric: AI is too prolific.
• 17:44
  Eric: No one will believe anything in it.
• 17:45
  Eric: Oh god, it is, isn't it?
• 17:47
  Matt: Um who deserves to be pranked?
• 17:49
  Matt: Why don't we start?
• 17:50
  Matt: Oh, I can think of a few.
• 17:52
  Matt: But pranked, Eric.
• 17:53
  Matt: Pranked, not like not murdered.
• 17:56
  Matt: Not murdered, not like an inherently evil person that decided that deserves an inconvenience.
• 18:03
  Matt: Who's someone that we think would oh, how about this?
• 18:06
  Matt: Who's someone would who would enjoy a prank?
• 18:10
  Eric: Ooh, I feel like Benjamin Franklin would appreciate a good a good job.
• 18:14
  Eric: Did you get the vibes out of that?
• 18:16
  Eric: Benny Franks would would like a good laugh.
• 18:18
  Eric: Um who else?
• 18:21
  Matt: Well, let's go with Benny Franks for a minute.
• 18:23
  Matt: Benny Franklin's inventor of the bifocal.
• 18:27
  Matt: End the stove.
• 18:28
  Matt: And sort of electricity, kinda, but really founded the first library.
• 18:35
  Matt: Tried to kill his illegitimate son while discovering electricity.
• 18:40
  Matt: Two birds want a stone.
• 18:43
  Eric: It's a true statement.
• 18:44
  Eric: Um, oh, here's what we can do.
• 18:46
  Eric: During the famous kite experiment, we can attach when the when the electricity traveled down the kite out in a field, whatever he's doing in.
• 18:54
  Eric: To his illegitimate son.
• 18:55
  Eric: To his illegitimate son.
• 18:56
  Eric: We could connect the the string of the kite to uh like a power bank so that as soon as lightning strikes, a bunch of wacky inflatable arm flailing tube men suddenly turn on the field, and they run for the hills.
• 19:09
  Matt: Yeah.
• 19:09
  Matt: That's my Benjamin Franklin.
• 19:14
  Matt: Oh, that was that was good.
• 19:15
  Matt: Thank you.
• 19:16
  Matt: It was very stately.
• 19:17
  Matt: Yeah.
• 19:18
  Matt: Well, he is.
• 19:19
  Matt: He would be, wouldn't he?
• 19:20
  Matt: He was a stately lad.
• 19:21
  Matt: All right.
• 19:21
  Matt: I think we got I think the audience can stand one more of these.
• 19:26
  Matt: Yeah, before we lose.
• 19:28
  Matt: So you give me a historical figure and I'll prank him.
• 19:31
  Eric: Ooh, okay.
• 19:32
  Eric: I'm gonna give you Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
• 19:38
  Matt: Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
• 19:39
  Matt: Of Nazareth.
• 19:40
  Matt: I'm glad you specified of Nazareth, because otherwise, I would be confused.
• 19:45
  Matt: Okay, there is, ooh, there's a lot of stuff you could choose from, uh, I guess, with this this particular individual from history.
• 19:59
  Matt: Yeah.
• 19:59
  Matt: Yep.
• 20:00
  Matt: Um, okay, so I this would involve, unfortunately, stalking Jesus for some time.
• 20:06
  Matt: Hey, look, we gotta bite the bullet, stalk Christ.
• 20:09
  Matt: I'm gonna wait a minute.
• 20:11
  Matt: I'm gonna wait a minute behind him a minute.
• 20:14
  Matt: Yeah, no, I'm gonna wait a minute while he's talking to the burning bush.
• 20:18
  Matt: Okay.
• 20:19
  Matt: Um I wait a minute, hold on.
• 20:22
  Matt: Was it Jesus who talked to the burning bush?
• 20:25
  Matt: That's definitely Moses who talked to the burning bush.
• 20:28
  Matt: Definitely Moses who talked to the uh to the old burning bush there.
• 20:35
  Matt: Okay, so when he's who's who'd Jesus talk to?
• 20:40
  Eric: Who'd Jesus talk to?
• 20:41
  Eric: He didn't talk to many people, did he?
• 20:43
  Eric: He talked like two people.
• 20:44
  Eric: Okay.
• 20:44
  Eric: God and his mom.
• 20:47
  Matt: So, all right, we'll go to the big, we'll go to the big moment.
• 20:51
  Matt: His one might be one might, yeah, but the big, big the big moment.
• 20:56
  Matt: I'm gonna be waiting outside that cave.
• 20:59
  Matt: So when the stone rolls away, I'll be hanging out and being like, yeah, fun fact for you.
• 21:08
  Matt: The head honcho sent me down here.
• 21:10
  Matt: I'm Gabriel, by the way.
• 21:12
  Matt: I'm just lying to Christ now.
• 21:13
  Matt: Peace be with you, bro.
• 21:15
  Matt: By the way, this won't make sense to you, but peace be with you.
• 21:18
  Matt: Peace be with you.
• 21:18
  Matt: Oh, sorry, and with your spirit, and with your spirit.
• 21:22
  Matt: Um, what if I said something like, I was just gonna bring Mary Magdalene in this, and I realized this absolutely violates the space-time continuum situation.
• 21:35
  Matt: If I'm like, make sure they know about Mary.
• 21:38
  Matt: Make sure they know you married this this this I'm trying to think of what they would say that also wouldn't be offensive now.
• 21:47
  Matt: Matt, I've got it.
• 21:48
  Matt: We would call her a sex worker.
• 21:51
  Matt: You call her, I don't honestly know, but Mary, maybe.
• 21:57
  Eric: Maybe just Mary.
• 21:58
  Eric: Is that weird for you?
• 22:00
  Eric: I've always wanted to know.
• 22:01
  Eric: Um because it's your mother's name.
• 22:03
  Eric: Yeah.
• 22:04
  Eric: Yeah.
• 22:05
  Matt: Like, we don't want to make it weird, but also, where are you with the immaculate thing?
• 22:10
  Matt: You still think that's above board, or we cool.
• 22:15
  Matt: Now we're just interrogating Christ.
• 22:17
  Matt: Oh, but standing at the open open door of his tomb.
• 22:22
  Matt: And he's like, people are coming.
• 22:24
  Matt: Uh the plan was I'd be gone.
• 22:27
  Eric: Here's what we do we wait outside of the door, and as soon as it opens, the door to the cave.
• 22:34
  Eric: We're drum we're dressed like little Roman soldiers, and we go, trick-or-treat.
• 22:38
  Eric: Oh god.
• 22:45
  Matt: And he's like, uh poof.
• 22:48
  Eric: And he disappears, I assume.
• 22:50
  Eric: He gives us each a cracker and some wine, and then dips.
• 22:56
  Matt: Sorry, I sorry I can't stay.
• 22:58
  Matt: There are holes in my hands.
• 23:01
  Matt: Gotta go.
• 23:03
  Matt: I have I need immediate medical attention.
• 23:07
  Matt: Bye.
• 23:08
  Matt: Uh, just a couple of Jesus jokes for you all.
• 23:13
  Matt: Yeah, for you know, the the connoisseur.
• 23:16
  Matt: For the biblical connoisseur listening to this show.
• 23:21
  Matt: This next question comes from Becky the Seagrass Scientist on the show.
• 23:25
  Matt: Uh I I just assume we have answered the question at this point.
• 23:30
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 23:31
  Matt: Don't you feel?
• 23:32
  Eric: Yeah, we we we pranked Alexander Graham Bell.
• 23:35
  Eric: We we we we we knocked someone out with ether, uh, and then we we we razzed Chrys.
• 23:43
  Eric: Okay.
• 23:44
  Eric: This is from uh Becky.
• 23:48
  Matt: Like a weird pronunciation of Chris.
• 23:50
  Matt: Can you imagine if you met a man, and it would be a white man, whose name is Chris, C-H-R-I-S, and he says it's pronounced Chris.
• 24:01
  Matt: Like Christ?
• 24:02
  Matt: No, no, no, no, no, no.
• 24:03
  Matt: No, no, Christ.
• 24:04
  Matt: Chrys, no tea.
• 24:05
  Matt: No tea.
• 24:06
  Matt: What if he says that all the time?
• 24:07
  Matt: It's like Christ, no tea.
• 24:09
  Matt: Chris, no tea.
• 24:11
  Eric: The tea is silent.
• 24:12
  Matt: Hello.
• 24:13
  Matt: This question comes with a preamble and it begins with Hello! Allow me to introduce you if you are not already acquainted to the American Coot.
• 24:24
  Matt: Audience, feel free to Google it now.
• 24:27
  Matt: A lovely little migrant wintertime visitor to the Chesapeake Bay.
• 24:33
  Matt: The coot looks like a very cute black duck with a white bill.
• 24:38
  Matt: However, the coot really holds a sinister secret, for his is for he is no duck at all.
• 24:47
  Matt: I'm correcting what was said to us.
• 24:49
  Matt: He is his own special family of winter of waterfowl, with at least one marked difference from ducks.
• 24:57
  Matt: He has horrifying feet.
• 24:59
  Matt: Yes, he does.
• 25:00
  Matt: I'm looking at them.
• 25:01
  Matt: With disconcerting flappy toes instead of webbing.
• 25:06
  Matt: Would the world be a better place if some apparent rabbits actually had expendable prehensile tongues?
• 25:14
  Matt: Interested to hear your thoughts.
• 25:16
  Matt: But the question is, what other secrets should innocent looking animals hold to keep we humans on our thankfully less terrifying toes?
• 25:30
  Matt: That's from Becky the Seagrass Scientist on Instagram.
• 25:34
  Eric: I also, Becky, I love you so much for the key word in this question.
• 25:38
  Eric: Should.
• 25:39
  Eric: What secrets should these animals have?
• 25:43
  Eric: Innocent looking animals.
• 25:44
  Eric: Innocent looking animals.
• 25:46
  Matt: So what are some innocent looking animals?
• 25:47
  Matt: Uh deer.
• 25:48
  Matt: Deer, all squirrels should carry switchblades.
• 25:52
  Matt: Switchblades, Eric.
• 25:54
  Eric: Snicked.
• 25:55
  Matt: Ooh.
• 25:56
  Matt: You know, a funny story, real quick about that sound effect.
• 26:01
  Matt: Yeah.
• 26:01
  Matt: Just to go into a tangent for a hot second.
• 26:03
  Matt: When I was a boy, I think it was it was second grade because it I it was Mrs.
• 26:11
  Matt: Reardon who pulled me aside.
• 26:13
  Matt: Because I made these comic books that involved someone drawing blades, like drawing swords and sword fighting.
• 26:22
  Matt: And so I wrote down the sound effect the onomonopoeia.
• 26:28
  Matt: The onomonopeia.
• 26:29
  Matt: And I spelled it S-H-I-T.
• 26:34
  Matt: S-H-I-T.
• 26:35
  Matt: S-H-I-T.
• 26:36
  Matt: S-H-I-T.
• 26:36
  Matt: Shit shit shit shit.
• 26:37
  Matt: So here I am, a second grader, showing my teacher, hey, I made a comic book and it's filled with shit, shh, shit, shit, shh, shh, shit.
• 26:45
  Matt: He's just cutting himself.
• 26:46
  Matt: Fuck out.
• 26:47
  Matt: And she was, she pulled me aside to be like, explain this.
• 26:50
  Matt: She was like, what is what is this here?
• 26:53
  Matt: Walk me through it.
• 26:54
  Matt: She gave me the benefit of the doubt because I was, I did exactly that.
• 26:58
  Matt: I was like, oh yeah, you know, they're fighting, and it's like the sound of the sword makes it like and she goes, because it kind of looks like you wrote a different word.
• 27:08
  Matt: And that's all she said.
• 27:10
  Matt: And I remember my eyes must have gone so wide that she was like, okay, that's what I thought.
• 27:17
  Matt: That's what I thought.
• 27:18
  Matt: Just maybe uh, maybe it's like a uh like a like S I I I I T.
• 27:25
  Matt: Yeah I am and I just was like, wow, you are a great teacher.
• 27:31
  Matt: That you you were like, I don't think this is what he meant.
• 27:36
  Matt: This was a mistake made in good faith.
• 27:38
  Matt: But let me just ask the innocent child the innocent question.
• 27:42
  Matt: So I wish I could find that um that comic book.
• 27:46
  Matt: Um, by the way, I only had the courage to show that to her after I showed it to my grandmother Baba, who had told me that it was a great comic book and didn't say off the thing.
• 27:58
  Matt: Uh the one time I need you to say shit, grandma.
• 28:02
  Matt: That I that I turned in a thing that said shit a bunch of times.
• 28:06
  Matt: And do you think she knew she had to know?
• 28:08
  Matt: She my grandmother, you mean?
• 28:11
  Matt: Yeah.
• 28:12
  Matt: Um maybe, maybe not.
• 28:14
  Matt: Uh I had to know.
• 28:16
  Matt: She might have known, but she might not have thought, oh, the if I give my stamp of approval on this, it will be turned into an educational professional.
• 28:26
  Matt: And I it wasn't for an assignment or anything.
• 28:31
  Matt: I literally was like, Mrs.
• 28:32
  Matt: Reardon, look what I made.
• 28:33
  Eric: Look what I did.
• 28:35
  Matt: Yeah.
• 28:35
  Matt: Um, yeah, I was an impressive child.
• 28:38
  Matt: You are.
• 28:38
  Matt: It is fine to be impressed with me, audience.
• 28:41
  Matt: I am every day.
• 28:42
  Matt: Thank God you are.
• 28:44
  Eric: So squirrels should have switchblades.
• 28:46
  Eric: Squirrels should have switchblades.
• 28:48
  Eric: Like just out the gate.
• 28:50
  Eric: Nature gives them a switchblade.
• 28:51
  Eric: What can we do with doves?
• 28:53
  Eric: With doves?
• 28:54
  Eric: They're innocent looking, aren't they?
• 28:56
  Eric: Yeah.
• 28:56
  Eric: Oh, doves should have like a like a tail smoke feature, like a jet plane.
• 29:01
  Eric: Doves should like doves should be able to like secretly just start doing blue angel shit.
• 29:06
  Matt: Oh, like you well, doing blue angel shit as in stunts or like skywriting?
• 29:11
  Matt: Because I don't sky writing.
• 29:12
  Matt: I think the blue angels do skywriting so much.
• 29:15
  Matt: They should.
• 29:16
  Matt: Can you imagine hiring the blue angels just to write like happy birthday?
• 29:22
  Matt: Eat it, Joe's.
• 29:24
  Matt: Eat it.
• 29:25
  Matt: Joe's crab shack.
• 29:27
  Matt: Open late.
• 29:28
  Matt: Oh, crabs.
• 29:30
  Matt: What's crabs are not innocent looking, Eric.
• 29:33
  Eric: No, they're wearing armor and their hands are weapons.
• 29:36
  Eric: Yeah, they're covered in spikes and they are spiders.
• 29:40
  Eric: Um, we got dubs.
• 29:42
  Eric: Bunny rabbits.
• 29:43
  Matt: Bunny rabbits, and that is what Becky the Seagrass scientist threw at us.
• 29:48
  Matt: Um is the prehensile tongues.
• 29:50
  Matt: And I can't say enough that folks, you should look at the American coot.
• 29:57
  Eric: It's a goofy ass looking bird when you see the whole thing.
• 30:00
  Matt: Yes.
• 30:00
  Matt: Specifically, you want to be seeing its feet because it just has toes, really.
• 30:06
  Matt: Just three toes, and they're horrifying looking.
• 30:11
  Matt: They honestly, they look like crab legs now that I'm looking at them in a certain light.
• 30:18
  Eric: Yeah.
• 30:18
  Matt: Don't you think?
• 30:19
  Matt: Yeah.
• 30:20
  Matt: They're very, they're very ancient, those grippers.
• 30:23
  Matt: Those grippers have been around for a few millennia now.
• 30:27
  Eric: I've it it looked the bird looks like it it kept evolving, but the feet just were like, nope, we're gonna stay here.
• 30:34
  Eric: Yeah, they because they look scaly.
• 30:36
  Eric: In the Cretaceous era, and then and then the rest of the bird just kept evolving.
• 30:40
  Matt: It looks like the feet wanted to evolve into a blue-footed booby situation, but didn't quite make it all the way.
• 30:49
  Eric: No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 30:50
  Eric: It it it just kind of it's like I'm comfortable here, I'll coast.
• 30:55
  Matt: What if like tortoises could like this the big secret is that the shell actually can just fucking hinge open like a door, like a yeah, like a door, like a hood of a car, exactly.
• 31:08
  Eric: And there's baby fit so much turtle in it.
• 31:10
  Matt: There's nefariousness in there.
• 31:12
  Eric: There's yo, get a look at this.
• 31:16
  Eric: This is not regulation.
• 31:17
  Matt: And you and it just shines a gold light like pulp fiction.
• 31:21
  Matt: Tortoises are full of heroin, they're full of heroin.
• 31:26
  Matt: They're full of heroin.
• 31:27
  Matt: Um natural smugglers they are.
• 31:30
  Matt: I've or you open it up and a fox comes out somehow.
• 31:34
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 31:35
  Eric: It turns out that all turtles are in fact foxes.
• 31:40
  Eric: Foxes are turtles, are just driving.
• 31:44
  Matt: I like tortoises better because they have more room.
• 31:46
  Matt: So foxes are driving tortoises like a like a like a Power Ranger driving a mech around.
• 31:53
  Eric: Yes, yes, like a tortoise.
• 31:55
  Eric: Yeah, yes.
• 31:57
  Eric: Foxes are mech pilots, tortoises are their mechs.
• 32:01
  Matt: Tortoises are robots.
• 32:05
  Matt: I couldn't think of the movie.
• 32:06
  Matt: What's the gear model movie?
• 32:08
  Matt: Pacific Rim.
• 32:10
  Eric: Oh, oh, they're Jaegers.
• 32:11
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 32:13
  Matt: No, I was just gonna say that the is that what they're called?
• 32:16
  Matt: They're called Jaegers in Pacific Rim?
• 32:18
  Eric: The Jaeger.
• 32:19
  Matt: Oh, I never saw the second one, only the first terrible one.
• 32:23
  Matt: Um, but God bless it.
• 32:25
  Matt: Bless it.
• 32:25
  Matt: The best part of Pacific Rim is when the kaiju or whatever gets thrown through the building and it goes all the way and hits the um the the those balls.
• 32:38
  Matt: I can't think of their name now.
• 32:39
  Matt: The uh the Newton's cradle.
• 32:40
  Matt: It hits a Newton's cradle and the cradle goes back and forth, and then the fight scene continues.
• 32:46
  Matt: So dumb.
• 32:47
  Matt: So stupid that movie is.
• 32:51
  Eric: Chickens.
• 32:52
  Eric: Hmm.
• 32:53
  Eric: I don't know that I agree.
• 32:55
  Eric: Chickens look innocent.
• 32:56
  Eric: Chickens are probably the most innocent looking of all just because they're so dumb.
• 33:00
  Eric: There's they're bless their hearts.
• 33:02
  Eric: They're so dumb.
• 33:02
  Eric: Like you've never looked at a chicken and thought, oh, I better keep an eye on.
• 33:05
  Eric: That's a chicken.
• 33:06
  Eric: Dogs are innocent looking.
• 33:08
  Eric: Dogs are innocent looking.
• 33:10
  Matt: But I don't know what nefariousness I could give a dog if I'm being honest.
• 33:14
  Eric: Dogs should have a secret pouch that they hide all the treats you give them in.
• 33:17
  Eric: That's good.
• 33:18
  Eric: That's a that's a worthy secret of a dog.
• 33:21
  Eric: That's a they they keep they they bank that they'll eat half the treat and then bank the rest for later in their little.
• 33:26
  Eric: Much like a squirrel.
• 33:28
  Eric: Much like a squirrel.
• 33:29
  Matt: I like that.
• 33:30
  Matt: I like that because it's not like evil.
• 33:32
  Matt: It's just like a little secret.
• 33:35
  Matt: And a little treat pouch.
• 33:36
  Matt: It's just a little secret, just between us dogs.
• 33:38
  Matt: Between us dogs.
• 33:40
  Matt: It's another innocent animal.
• 33:42
  Matt: Horse.
• 33:44
  Matt: Yeah.
• 33:45
  Matt: I guess horse are innocent looking.
• 33:48
  Matt: I had to think about it.
• 33:49
  Matt: I had to give it careful consideration.
• 33:52
  Eric: And now I have.
• 33:53
  Eric: And now it turns out that horses actually like the hooves are just gloves that they wear.
• 33:59
  Eric: They have big ol' hands, but they're just inside the hooves.
• 34:03
  Eric: So every now and then you'll see a horse stand up and just Oh my god, what the fuck just happened?
• 34:09
  Eric: Slid back and activated my little hand vacuum.
• 34:12
  Eric: Jesus Christ.
• 34:15
  Matt: If it's not a cat, it's a vacuum.
• 34:17
  Eric: I swear to God, this room.
• 34:18
  Eric: But every now and then you'll just see a horse like stand, like it'll just stand on two legs and like rub its hands like, oh, ooh, give itself a little foot rub and ooh, and slip back into its hoof shoes.
• 34:29
  Matt: Yeah, you see them at night, they're like, oh god, the dogs are barking.
• 34:33
  Matt: And they just they just pull them out, and there's actually human hands under there.
• 34:37
  Matt: Straight up human fucking hands.
• 34:39
  Matt: Oh, and they're like stretching out their feet.
• 34:41
  Eric: All four of them are human hands.
• 34:43
  Eric: They're not feet on the back, they're just more hands.
• 34:46
  Matt: I am growing concerned because I've had to stretch out my fingies in the morning because I it seems that I'm now clenching not just my jaw, but my fists at night.
• 34:57
  Matt: And so I wake up and I'm like, oh my God, and I have to like stretch out my hands.
• 35:02
  Matt: That's just a little bit of Matt's aging for everyone.
• 35:06
  Matt: Oh, we're on Age Watch.
• 35:08
  Eric: Welcome, welcome to Age Watch.
• 35:09
  Eric: Agewatch 2K26.
• 35:12
  Eric: Ooh, let's let's check the let's check the disc tracker.
• 35:15
  Eric: Oh god, they're bad.
• 35:17
  Eric: They're slipping.
• 35:17
  Eric: Ooh.
• 35:18
  Eric: Slippery discs today, folks.
• 35:22
  Matt: Bundle up.
• 35:22
  Matt: You have to joke about your own physical shortcomings.
• 35:27
  Matt: Now, uh that being said, the fact that I have a herniated disc is what Eric's getting at.
• 35:33
  Matt: Um yeah, yeah, affects my daily life and all that good jazz.
• 35:38
  Matt: We have fun.
• 35:38
  Matt: We have fun on this show.
• 35:42
  Eric: Cats.
• 35:42
  Eric: Eric.
• 35:44
  Eric: There's nothing innocent about a cat.
• 35:46
  Matt: I was just gonna say, you look me in my honest, bit free eyes, and you tell me cats are innocent.
• 35:52
  Eric: Cats are always plotting.
• 35:53
  Eric: That's why I love mine so much.
• 35:54
  Matt: That okay.
• 35:55
  Matt: That's all I've been trying to get out of you for all this time, Eric.
• 35:58
  Matt: Oh, we can acknowledge it.
• 36:00
  Eric: Acknowledge it.
• 36:02
  Eric: I'm gonna acknowledge that is why because she's always plotting.
• 36:05
  Eric: Like, bro, I that's why I have to chop you in half.
• 36:08
  Eric: Sinister, evil little beings.
• 36:11
  Eric: I have to chop you in half with this saw because who knows what machinations might be.
• 36:20
  Matt: We are fighting.
• 36:21
  Eric: We are fighting.
• 36:22
  Matt: Cut me in half.
• 36:23
  Eric: I would cut you in half.
• 36:24
  Eric: I would I would just chop you right the fucking ass.
• 36:26
  Matt: And you want to know, if I put Jaws alone in a room with Amelia Bedelia, I'd be worried.
• 36:33
  Matt: I'd be worried about what Amelia would do to my precious reptile.
• 36:38
  Eric: Honest to God, she'd probably just ma she she probably wouldn't register him as another creature.
• 36:45
  Eric: She'd probably just rub her face on him.
• 36:47
  Eric: Oh, Eric.
• 36:48
  Eric: Jaws will not be ignored.
• 36:51
  Matt: Oh, oh, see now I have to worry about my cat.
• 36:54
  Matt: Jaws is many things, but he will not he will not stand being ignored.
• 37:00
  Matt: I don't think I can't say turtles are innocent looking either, because they they actually They chomp.
• 37:07
  Matt: They chomp, they and they they're again are wearing armor.
• 37:11
  Matt: So they come with pre-built armor.
• 37:14
  Matt: Yeah.
• 37:15
  Matt: Um so the tortoise thing might not even really work.
• 37:20
  Matt: Ducks should dispense cigarettes.
• 37:24
  Eric: Whack oh, and then it just comes out.
• 37:26
  Eric: Yeah, whack.
• 37:28
  Matt: Now it's gotta just be if it sees you watching, it's like oh.
• 37:31
  Matt: There's nothing innocent about a platypus, right?
• 37:34
  Matt: They're pretty cute.
• 37:35
  Matt: Yeah, but they're venomous.
• 37:37
  Matt: Yeah, that's what I mean.
• 37:39
  Matt: Like do we think they're innocent because they come with a pre-built nefarious secret?
• 37:45
  Matt: They're innocent looking.
• 37:47
  Matt: I guess.
• 37:49
  Matt: That that that I will say.
• 37:50
  Matt: I guess they're innocent looking.
• 37:52
  Eric: Yeah.
• 37:53
  Matt: Koalas are innocent looking.
• 37:54
  Matt: Naturally vicious.
• 37:56
  Matt: Well, naturally dumb, too.
• 37:59
  Matt: They have their brains the size of like a walnut.
• 38:02
  Matt: Yeah, they're they're stoned out of their minds all day from the eucalyptus.
• 38:05
  Matt: Yeah, they eat this eucalyptus, then they have to fall asleep because they've poisoned themselves.
• 38:10
  Matt: Every day.
• 38:11
  Matt: The koalas every day wake up, poison themselves into a small coma, and then wake up and continue to do that.
• 38:21
  Matt: Yeah.
• 38:22
  Matt: Sloths are innocent looking.
• 38:24
  Matt: Sloths are sloth is.
• 38:26
  Matt: What if sloth's nefarious secret is that they can go really fast.
• 38:32
  Eric: They're the fastest creature alive.
• 38:33
  Matt: They're the fastest creature alive.
• 38:35
  Eric: In fact, that's that's the secret.
• 38:37
  Eric: There's only one sloth.
• 38:41
  Matt: He's just everywhere.
• 38:42
  Matt: Oh, there's only one sloth.
• 38:45
  Matt: Yeah, there's only one.
• 38:45
  Matt: So when you see a group of sloths together, it's just he's moving so fucking.
• 38:51
  Eric: Yeah, he's doing that Dragon Ball Z Naruto shit where he's moving so fast he looks like he's in a bunch of places at once.
• 38:58
  Eric: What does that do to the seven deadly sins?
• 39:01
  Eric: I uh, bro, it makes makes them need to catch the fuck up.
• 39:06
  Eric: They need to get the horse sloth was already here.
• 39:09
  Matt: But what about all the sloth tattoos that say live slow, die whenever?
• 39:14
  Matt: That's a real thing, in case you don't know that in the sloth community, which I consider myself a part of.
• 39:20
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 39:21
  Eric: Well, I mean, your fursona is your sloth.
• 39:23
  Eric: I'm a slothy boy.
• 39:24
  Eric: You're slothy boy.
• 39:25
  Eric: I'm a slothy boy.
• 39:27
  Matt: Sloppy, slothy boy.
• 39:28
  Matt: There are few animals I would choose to be above a sloth.
• 39:32
  Matt: Who who?
• 39:34
  Matt: Maybe a dog.
• 39:36
  Matt: Uh yeah, dog too.
• 39:37
  Matt: I I do I am dog uh you think I'm cat coated, which is a mistake, but I do think I'm dog coated.
• 39:44
  Matt: But I also feel I'm sloth coated.
• 39:46
  Matt: You're you're mega sloth coated.
• 39:48
  Matt: You've got dog hardware, but cat software.
• 39:51
  Matt: I can and I can see myself as a turtle as well.
• 39:54
  Eric: What about you?
• 39:55
  Eric: I was told years ago, and we when we talked about fursonas, I I think it's This that a friend of mine drew me as a hyena.
• 40:02
  Eric: Yeah.
• 40:03
  Eric: You do look like a hyena a little bit.
• 40:06
  Eric: I look like I could I could crush bones with my jaw.
• 40:11
  Eric: Yeah, actually, you do.
• 40:12
  Eric: I could elephant.
• 40:15
  Matt: I could do.
• 40:15
  Matt: I don't get elephant vibes from you.
• 40:17
  Matt: Eric, elephants famously never forget.
• 40:22
  Eric: Yeah, but you have the memory of a goldfish.
• 40:25
  Eric: I I could be a goldfish.
• 40:28
  Eric: You could be a goldfish, and you'd be a great goldfish.
• 40:31
  Eric: I'd be a grand goldfish.
• 40:33
  Eric: You'd be like a you'd be a coy.
• 40:35
  Eric: You'd be an or you'd be a you'd be a magnificent ornamental fish.
• 40:39
  Eric: I am an ornamental fish.
• 40:43
  Eric: I am elevating everything around me right now.
• 40:46
  Eric: I am ever I am elevating everything around me right now by merely existing.
• 40:51
  Matt: Yeah, I like that.
• 40:52
  Matt: Like I think I'm this legendary creature, but I'm in the hotel of a lobby.
• 40:56
  Matt: Hold on.
• 40:59
  Matt: Hold on.
• 41:00
  Matt: I said hotel of a lobby, not lobby of a hotel.
• 41:05
  Matt: It is perhaps becoming clear I'm drinking a Manhattan.
• 41:09
  Matt: As the episode goes.
• 41:12
  Matt: Hello.
• 41:17
  Matt: Hello.
• 41:18
  Matt: Okay.
• 41:18
  Matt: Pigeons aren't aren't innocent looking.
• 41:21
  Eric: They are they're in much like a chicken.
• 41:24
  Eric: They are innocent by dint of their of their they're just bless their dumb little hearts and they're they're just wandering around.
• 41:30
  Matt: But I don't think they're innocent looking because they're always they first of all, they're not maybe it's just because they're not afraid of humans at all.
• 41:37
  Eric: That's what it is.
• 41:39
  Eric: I I I I I have firmly held beliefs on this subject.
• 41:42
  Eric: I don't think birds are real.
• 41:44
  Eric: I think all pigeons are cameras.
• 41:46
  Matt: Eric, I can't allow you to let the listeners think you're serious about this.
• 41:51
  Matt: I simply can't I bird if it flies, it spies, dog.
• 41:54
  Matt: That's all I'm saying.
• 41:55
  Matt: Don't say that.
• 41:56
  Matt: Don't say anything that's quippable.
• 41:59
  Matt: Don't say anything that might be put on a sticker.
• 42:03
  Matt: I think here's one for dogs.
• 42:05
  Matt: Eric, you sound like a certain certain member of a certain party.
• 42:13
  Eric: Of of the I don't want to get spied on by birds party?
• 42:16
  Eric: Yeah.
• 42:16
  Matt: Eric, you don't want to do this.
• 42:18
  Matt: You don't want to get our comp our our fucking podcast flagged.
• 42:22
  Eric: Our algorithm.
• 42:23
  Eric: Our algorithm flagged.
• 42:26
  Eric: No, man.
• 42:26
  Eric: This is how we this is how we we we false flag some conspiracy theories.
• 42:31
  Eric: We draw false flag some conspiracy theories.
• 42:34
  Matt: Eric, on this episode, we have become time travelers.
• 42:37
  Matt: Who have done yeah to literally make a true conspiracy theory.
• 42:42
  Eric: And that's what brings in this radical audience who then we convert into wonderful, good, happy, fun, bisexual as fuck, good good boys.
• 42:56
  Matt: What do you think's the best painting for us to show up in, by the way?
• 43:01
  Eric: Last Supper immediately.
• 43:03
  Eric: Ooh, Last Supper is real fun.
• 43:05
  Eric: Last Supper immediately hits us.
• 43:07
  Matt: I was gonna say the easiest one.
• 43:09
  Matt: Crossing of the Delaware.
• 43:10
  Matt: Crossing of the Delaware is a great option.
• 43:12
  Eric: We're in a float, we're in floaties in the background.
• 43:15
  Matt: We're in the background, or we're in the ships, but that does in the boat, but that does involve us getting involved in the Revolutionary War.
• 43:22
  Matt: Yeah.
• 43:22
  Matt: But the yeah.
• 43:23
  Matt: But what if we're also uh you're familiar with the uh the fall of Icarus?
• 43:27
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 43:28
  Matt: That's an easy one to just like we're in there somewhere.
• 43:32
  Eric: We're running around down at the bottom pulling.
• 43:34
  Matt: We're like haggling with uh one of the shopkeepers in the corner.
• 43:36
  Matt: And we're dressed as Harry and Marv from Home Alone.
• 43:41
  Matt: Uh what was it?
• 43:42
  Matt: Saturn Eats His Sun and it's just Oh my god, what a fucking painting to pull, Eric.
• 43:47
  Matt: Thank you.
• 43:48
  Matt: Really good.
• 43:49
  Matt: We're in Starry Night.
• 43:51
  Matt: We're yeah, we're that's right.
• 43:53
  Matt: We do impressionists too.
• 43:55
  Matt: That's right.
• 43:56
  Matt: We know a thing or two about a thing or two.
• 43:59
  Matt: We know stuff about shit and junk.
• 44:02
  Matt: What do you think, Eric?
• 44:03
  Matt: Have we answered the questions?
• 44:04
  Matt: I think we've we've given some good answers.
• 44:06
  Matt: Because I'm in the mood for a legendary end to this episode.
• 44:09
  Matt: Oh, yeah, you're trying to get legendary.
• 44:12
  Eric: Baby.
• 44:13
  Eric: I'm already there.
• 44:14
  Eric: You feel pretty gassed up.
• 44:16
  Eric: Can I open for you?
• 44:17
  Eric: Can I can I can I or should or do you want to go first?
• 44:20
  Matt: You can go first.
• 44:21
  Matt: I don't care.
• 44:21
  Matt: Whatever, whatever you're feeling.
• 44:23
  Matt: Mine's really local.
• 44:25
  Matt: Oh, good.
• 44:26
  Matt: You mean local to us, of course.
• 44:28
  Matt: Local to us here in uh very local to me.
• 44:32
  Matt: What's really funny about that, Eric, before you begin, is seconds, literally seconds, after I emerged from this office writing my little script about my local legend.
• 44:43
  Matt: Yeah, Lindsay showed me a TikTok that I immediately earmarked as my next local legend, and it is also local to us.
• 44:52
  Matt: Hell yeah.
• 44:53
  Matt: Yeah.
• 44:53
  Eric: Love that.
• 44:54
  Eric: I do too.
• 44:56
  Eric: All right.
• 44:57
  Eric: So today, and I and and and we've kind of teed this up throughout the episode, this discussion.
• 45:02
  Eric: I'm gonna tell you about a cat.
• 45:04
  Eric: Of course you are.
• 45:05
  Eric: Uh so there is an outdoor cat who lives.
• 45:10
  Eric: So I live in what is essentially a commune.
• 45:14
  Eric: Uh we've got our You do not live in a commune area.
• 45:19
  Eric: Yeah, but we're getting You live in a row home.
• 45:21
  Eric: Uh I don't live in a row home.
• 45:22
  Eric: You've bit I I live in a uh now moved out of a row home.
• 45:25
  Eric: Now I live in a big single family house.
• 45:27
  Eric: I thought no, I thought your new house was part of the road home.
• 45:32
  Eric: Look out the window.
• 45:32
  Eric: We're we're oh yeah, yeah, we're in business.
• 45:35
  Eric: I didn't even know there was a window there.
• 45:36
  Eric: So we so so we rent our house from our friends next door.
• 45:40
  Eric: They they they own the house next door and they own the house we're we're renting from them.
• 45:44
  Eric: Um and we're all friends and we all share stuff like that.
• 45:47
  Eric: And there is an outdoor cat here by the name of Ozzie.
• 45:52
  Matt: Yes, you mentioned on a few episodes ago.
• 45:55
  Eric: I'm gonna tell you a little more about Ozzie.
• 45:56
  Eric: Good.
• 45:57
  Eric: Ozzie, he's he is an outdoor cat.
• 46:01
  Eric: He was not bought or or anything by anyone who lives in the house.
• 46:04
  Eric: This is just where he lives.
• 46:05
  Eric: Yeah, he has no master.
• 46:07
  Eric: He has no no gods, no masters.
• 46:10
  Eric: Um he had and and we have a little they have a little like uh cat shelter set up for him outside, so he has like a heated box that he sleeps in in winter and he loves it.
• 46:19
  Eric: Very nice.
• 46:20
  Eric: Um basically lives around the backyard and under the porches, and Matt, this boy hunts.
• 46:26
  Eric: He is he is a dyed-in-the-wool mouser.
• 46:31
  Eric: He has brought us, he he keeps mice away.
• 46:34
  Eric: He has brought us birds, mice, rats, and on one occasion a whole fucking squirrel.
• 46:39
  Eric: He is he is a he is a scrappy lad.
• 46:44
  Matt: The squirrel is an impressive kill, but also it should not be underestimated how difficult it is for a cat to kill a Baltimore rat.
• 46:54
  Matt: Truly, the rats go hard here.
• 46:58
  Eric: The rats are often the size of cats.
• 47:01
  Matt: The rats do not give a single fuck about anything.
• 47:06
  Matt: No.
• 47:07
  Eric: So yeah, uh, he is beloved by everyone here.
• 47:10
  Eric: Uh, he once he likes you, so like on New Year's, I was walking around, it was like late at night, it was after the ball dropped.
• 47:17
  Eric: I was smoking a stately pipe and walking around the backyard.
• 47:20
  Eric: My boy just joined me.
• 47:22
  Eric: He will he will just follow me around, and wherever I stand for a moment, he'll post up, like watching, like he'll just be like on alert.
• 47:30
  Eric: He's like, I got you, bro.
• 47:32
  Eric: I'm I'm I'm I'm keeping an eye out.
• 47:34
  Eric: And just follow me around as I'm as I'm walking.
• 47:37
  Eric: So he's been here since they bought the house, just like going on almost 10 years.
• 47:44
  Eric: He has been around, around like, like, so he like, oh, that's our our our outdoor cat, Ozzy.
• 47:49
  Matt: That's a that's a pretty solid life in general for an outdoor cat.
• 47:54
  Matt: 100%.
• 47:57
  Eric: Are you ready for the twist?
• 47:59
  Eric: Oh my god, a twist.
• 48:01
  Eric: Recently, yes, a friend of ours moved into a house across the street.
• 48:06
  Eric: Okay, as the commune grows.
• 48:08
  Eric: Oh, and uh, we were talking to some of our relatively our me Pat Alyssa, our new neighbors.
• 48:16
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 48:16
  Eric: Um, we were introducing them to our friend who had moved in Kevin.
• 48:19
  Eric: We're like, oh yeah, and and Ozzie, here's the funny thing.
• 48:22
  Eric: Like when we were moving stuff, we were walking across the street to move stuff, and that Ozzy was just following us back and forth.
• 48:27
  Eric: Like we were we were hanging out inside the new house in our friend's new house, and Ozzie was just chilling on the porch waiting for us to leave.
• 48:34
  Matt: That's fun.
• 48:35
  Eric: Um, but Ozzie walks by as we're talking to the neighbors, and we're like, Oh, look, there's Ozzie, and they're like, Oh, you mean Dice?
• 48:41
  Eric: Dice, Dice?
• 48:43
  Eric: I'm sorry.
• 48:46
  Eric: Dice?
• 48:46
  Eric: Who who wait?
• 48:48
  Eric: So who called him Dice?
• 48:50
  Eric: Our uh a couple of our neighbors, Matt.
• 48:53
  Eric: Apparently, not only is Ozzie named Dice, he has a whole ass family that he lives with in their house.
• 49:03
  Eric: Like cat family.
• 49:04
  Eric: Cat no, human family, a human he's somewhat, so he does have a master.
• 49:10
  Eric: Apparently, he does, but like he, yeah, he just lives over there, but like we we're like when when they're like, Oh, yeah, no, that's dice.
• 49:18
  Eric: That's our that's our one neighbor.
• 49:19
  Eric: Yeah, like they feed him and everything, like he goes inside the house and and all that.
• 49:23
  Eric: This he is their cat, he's apparently some other neighbor's cat, but he like lives over here to you who goes over there.
• 49:31
  Eric: He's been living a double life, mild-mannered house cat by day, fucking deadly mouser by night.
• 49:38
  Matt: Who knows how long he's been running this grift?
• 49:40
  Matt: Eric, I'm sorry, but if that isn't the most cat fucking behavior I've ever heard.
• 49:46
  Matt: Oh, it 100% a double life.
• 49:49
  Matt: That's exceptionally cat-like.
• 49:51
  Matt: And his name's Dice Dice.
• 49:54
  Matt: It just makes me picture Andrew Dice Clay as a cat.
• 49:58
  Matt: Andrew Dice cat.
• 49:59
  Matt: Andrew Dice cat, Eric.
• 50:02
  Matt: So good.
• 50:02
  Eric: Fucking dice?
• 50:05
  Matt: So just to be clear, your local legend is a duplicatous cat, yes.
• 50:09
  Matt: It's a duplicatous cat you've already mentioned on the podcast that lives in your backyard, but doesn't but he lives across the street with a fan.
• 50:17
  Eric: Literally, I watch him walk out of his little cat house in the morning to welcome and greet us.
• 50:22
  Matt: And he has convinced you crazy people in the commune, as you've called it, to have a heated outdoor home for him that he can summer in.
• 50:32
  Matt: He has winter away.
• 50:34
  Matt: He has his own bowl of food and water.
• 50:37
  Matt: He has his own bowl of food, he has a whole second identity as Ozzy.
• 50:42
  Eric: They've taken we take him to the vet, like getting his shots and everything.
• 50:45
  Eric: What do you mean you took him to the vet?
• 50:47
  Eric: You took a cat on the street to the vet.
• 50:50
  Eric: My neighbors did.
• 50:51
  Eric: Yeah, you gotta make sure he gets his shots, make sure he stays safe.
• 50:55
  Matt: You thought he was a fucking uh a street cat.
• 50:58
  Matt: You thought he was a random cat on the street and someone took him.
• 51:03
  Matt: If you take him to the vet and in and and and invest hundreds of dollars in his medication, that's your cat now.
• 51:12
  Eric: I that's what we're saying.
• 51:13
  Eric: And we're like, oh, that's so wild.
• 51:20
  Eric: We always called him on as soon as while we were like, that his name is Ozzie.
• 51:24
  Eric: That is our cat.
• 51:25
  Eric: Like, fuck, fuck off, out of here.
• 51:27
  Eric: He lives here.
• 51:28
  Eric: This goes deep.
• 51:29
  Eric: This goes, this goes deep.
• 51:30
  Eric: We might need we might need to involve City Hall.
• 51:34
  Eric: We're gonna do some follow-up.
• 51:35
  Eric: One day, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna do my best.
• 51:38
  Eric: I'm gonna just follow Ozzy.
• 51:40
  Eric: I'm just gonna see where he goes.
• 51:42
  Eric: Stalk Ozzy as stalked Christ.
• 51:45
  Eric: Exactly.
• 51:46
  Eric: So we'll we'll be on Ozzy Watch.
• 51:50
  Eric: Don't you worry, folks.
• 51:51
  Eric: Ozzy watch 2K26.
• 51:53
  Eric: 2K26, baby.
• 51:55
  Eric: Ozzy watch.
• 51:56
  Matt: Okay, wow.
• 51:58
  Matt: Yeah.
• 51:59
  Matt: Is that the end of your tale?
• 52:00
  Eric: That's the end of my tale.
• 52:01
  Eric: Oh, wow.
• 52:02
  Matt: Also, I don't want you or anyone else to think that I'm some sort of fucking monster.
• 52:07
  Matt: I don't like because you've just been professing your deep hatred of cats.
• 52:11
  Matt: I hate cats, but I don't hate every individual cat.
• 52:16
  Matt: You just hate cats as a constant.
• 52:18
  Matt: I hate cats in general.
• 52:21
  Matt: Broadly speaking, I hate cats.
• 52:23
  Matt: But it is possible for a individual cat to win my frosty heart over.
• 52:30
  Matt: Amelia will when you when you finally get to like just.
• 52:32
  Matt: I've met Amelia before.
• 52:34
  Eric: Yeah, but you but but like, dude.
• 52:36
  Matt: It was in a different, it was granted in a in a different phase of your life, shall we call it.
• 52:41
  Matt: Yes.
• 52:41
  Matt: And in a chapter that has closed.
• 52:44
  Matt: But I have met Amelia before at your old home.
• 52:49
  Matt: But the the the the I mean, yeah, I've never been able to I've never been able to understand the appeal of cats, but I did move in with some roommates once that had the cat that I have grown closest to, whose name was Steve McQueen.
• 53:03
  Eric: Steve McQueen.
• 53:04
  Eric: I think you met Steve.
• 53:05
  Eric: I remember Steve McQueen.
• 53:06
  Eric: I think you met Steve.
• 53:07
  Eric: Was that was that and we can bleep the names?
• 53:08
  Eric: That's uh b and s no, it was and g yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 53:14
  Matt: That's really and they would write, this is true.
• 53:21
  Matt: This is unfortunately true, and although I hate cats, I will say this horrified me.
• 53:26
  Matt: They would like write messages on the belly of Steve McQueen to each other like pay rent.
• 53:35
  Eric: With what?
• 53:36
  Matt: With like a fucking marker of some kind.
• 53:38
  Matt: Oh, yeah, it's not good.
• 53:40
  Eric: That's terrible.
• 53:41
  Matt: And so is it any wonder that when I moved in with these two individuals, this cat who and I again back then nothing's changed.
• 53:51
  Matt: I hated cats.
• 53:52
  Matt: It demanded entry into my room so it would sleep with me.
• 53:58
  Matt: Yes, it would.
• 53:59
  Matt: And the only thing, the only reason I kicked Steve, I slept with Steve McQueen for months.
• 54:06
  Matt: And the Can we can we isolate that clip?
• 54:09
  Eric: Can we isolate that clip?
• 54:10
  Matt: Okay, sure.
• 54:11
  Matt: We'll that'll be the one for the end of the episode.
• 54:13
  Matt: The uh the only thing that changed is I started dating Lindsay.
• 54:18
  Matt: And as soon the first night Lindsay stayed over, I was like, hey, Steve, get the fuck out.
• 54:23
  Matt: Like, meh.
• 54:24
  Matt: Yeah, he was very pissed, and he'd put his arm, he'd put his little hand under the door, under the door for shaked the whole fucking door.
• 54:33
  Matt: Like he'd grab the door and it'd be like a like a serial killer trying to get at you.
• 54:40
  Matt: It was insanity.
• 54:42
  Matt: My microphone didn't enjoy that little object work I just did with it.
• 54:46
  Matt: But that's what it was, and he because he would cause mischief in the middle of the night, and I'd be like, get the fuck out, Steve.
• 54:52
  Matt: Steve McQueen, get out of my bed.
• 54:54
  Matt: My local legend is not Steve McQueen.
• 54:57
  Matt: Okay.
• 54:57
  Matt: My local legend is both local in the sense it's hard to say what he's local to.
• 55:04
  Matt: One could say he's local to an individual neighborhood, and one could say he's local to the entire fucking world.
• 55:14
  Matt: Eric.
• 55:14
  Matt: Eric, are you familiar with the name Carl Bushby?
• 55:21
  Matt: No.
• 55:22
  Matt: Eric, Carl Bushby is an English adventurer and former paratrooper, because I feel that's good lore to throw in.
• 55:32
  Matt: Yeah.
• 55:33
  Eric: And this is a man where off the bat, he jumps out of planes.
• 55:37
  Matt: Well, he did in a past life.
• 55:38
  Eric: Yeah.
• 55:39
  Matt: And beginning on November first of nineteen ninety-eight, he embarked on a journey known as the Goliath Expedition.
• 55:49
  Matt: Bushby's attempt to become the first person to walk an unbroken path across the entire world.
• 55:58
  Matt: Hell yeah.
• 56:00
  Matt: Bushby Hell yeah, dog.
• 56:03
  Matt: Bushby originally expected this expedition.
• 56:07
  Matt: And I'm gonna go ahead and say optimistically expected that this would take eight years of his life.
• 56:14
  Matt: That is optimistic.
• 56:16
  Matt: He began his planned route, the planned route, Eric, began at the southern tip of South America in Punta Arenas, Chile.
• 56:25
  Matt: Chile, I believe.
• 56:27
  Matt: And would and would end in his hometown of Hull in England.
• 56:32
  Matt: Traveling up the west coast of South and North America, across the Bering Strait into Russia, across Asia and Europe until he reached Hull.
• 56:41
  Matt: His his hometown and final destination.
• 56:44
  Matt: Bushby's journey, Eric, is still underway.
• 56:50
  Matt: Holy shit.
• 56:51
  Matt: He started this in the 90s.
• 56:53
  Matt: 1998.
• 56:54
  Matt: But he expects to be finished in September of this year.
• 57:00
  Matt: Holy fuck.
• 57:02
  Matt: Eric strap in.
• 57:04
  Matt: Tell me more.
• 57:05
  Matt: You'll note, first of all, this is significantly longer than eight years.
• 57:08
  Matt: Yes.
• 57:09
  Matt: And this is mainly due to several major delays.
• 57:13
  Matt: Because his route, while unbroken, is also not continuous.
• 57:21
  Matt: He has had to stop and start many times throughout his journey, but he continues from where he left off.
• 57:30
  Matt: So the path is still continuous.
• 57:33
  Eric: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
• 57:34
  Eric: So if he has to like dip for like medical reasons or some shit like that, he can come back to yes.
• 57:40
  Matt: He has two major rules.
• 57:41
  Matt: The first rule is he can't use any transportation of any kind.
• 57:45
  Matt: He's walking this.
• 57:46
  Matt: He's walking this, he's truly walking, or very notably, as I'll get to, swimming.
• 57:53
  Matt: But he has to do it on foot.
• 57:56
  Matt: And he has also forbidden himself from returning to his hometown of Hull by any other means than finishing the walking route.
• 58:07
  Eric: So has he just not been home for like his mother's 20 years?
• 58:11
  Matt: This is true.
• 58:12
  Matt: His mother has been waiting for over 20 years for her son to come home.
• 58:17
  Matt: That's fucking insane.
• 58:19
  Matt: It's now Eric, let's let's skip ahead a little bit to some major events.
• 58:23
  Matt: By 2006, he had walked over 17,000 miles.
• 58:30
  Matt: Holy shit.
• 58:31
  Matt: And had reached the Bering Strait.
• 58:34
  Matt: Eric, that means his route had to, by definition, of starting at the tip of South America and going all the way to the tip of North America.
• 58:44
  Matt: It includes crossing the infamous Darien Gap.
• 58:50
  Matt: The only land I don't know.
• 58:52
  Matt: Are you familiar with the Darien Gap?
• 58:53
  Eric: What's the Darien Gap?
• 58:54
  Matt: Eric, the Darien Gap is the only land bridge between North and South America.
• 59:00
  Matt: It is notoriously one of the most dangerous and inhospitable and almost completely undeveloped places on planet Earth.
• 59:12
  Matt: Holy wow.
• 59:13
  Matt: Nothing but rainforests, cartels, deadly animals of all shapes and sizes.
• 59:21
  Matt: He made it through that sucker and he went up the west coast of the United States there.
• 59:27
  Matt: And he ended up at the Bering Strait, which he crossed in 14 days.
• 59:35
  Matt: That is nuts.
• 59:37
  Matt: And Eric, this is where we hit some delays.
• 59:40
  Matt: He was detained in Siberia after successfully walking across the Bering Strait into Russia.
• 59:49
  Matt: He was detained.
• 59:55
  Matt: He was detained by Russian border troops for not entering a Established port of entry.
• 1:00:02
  Matt: In May, uh, again, we're in 2006, Russia allowed Bushby to continue his journey.
• 1:00:09
  Matt: However, the required permissions did not come through with approval until the following March.
• 1:00:17
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:00:18
  Matt: He needed a special Russian visa to walk through what was largely a military-occupied area of the country where nothing else is going on except military plotting.
• 1:00:31
  Matt: And you know how they do.
• 1:00:33
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:00:34
  Matt: In Russia.
• 1:00:35
  Matt: You know how they do in Russia.
• 1:00:37
  Matt: And so when it was approved, due to melting snow and strict travel limits as part of said visa, he was only able to walk for three weeks in the whole of 2008.
• 1:00:50
  Matt: Damn.
• 1:00:51
  Matt: Walking from I don't know the words, unfortunately, Yelen to Davioni.
• 1:00:58
  Matt: Oh D V O Y N O Y E by the time his visa ran out.
• 1:01:07
  Matt: So Bushby had to uh r retreat back to Mexico for the next two years as he fought Russia on various travel and visa restrictions.
• 1:01:19
  Matt: And also, again, it's 2008, unsurprisingly, some financial issues as he lost many sponsors of the journey due to the 2008 financial crisis.
• 1:01:31
  Matt: He was finally able to resume his route in 2011, Eric.
• 1:01:38
  Matt: So major delay there.
• 1:01:40
  Matt: Big gap.
• 1:01:41
  Matt: He continued.
• 1:01:41
  Matt: And he continued his walk until Russia again denied him a visa in 2012 for all of 2012.
• 1:01:50
  Matt: And the following year, they banned him from the country for five years, citing a border violation in 2011.
• 1:01:59
  Matt: Eric, this would have completely ended the attempt.
• 1:02:03
  Matt: After all these years.
• 1:02:05
  Matt: Can they not let us have nice things?
• 1:02:06
  Matt: Can they not let us have nice things?
• 1:02:08
  Matt: The Eric and the answer, Eric, is yes, they can.
• 1:02:12
  Matt: He fought this, and a year later, the ban was rescinded and the government sent him an a letter of invitation to resume his journey in Russia.
• 1:02:25
  Matt: He spent the interim completing between while he was not allowed in Russia, he spent a the interim doing a side quest, I'm gonna call it Eric, of walking from Los Angeles to Washington, DC.
• 1:02:39
  Matt: What the fuck?
• 1:02:40
  Matt: Just for kicks?
• 1:02:42
  Matt: Just for kick just because he needed something to do.
• 1:02:45
  Matt: So at long last, Eric, Bushby in 2017 exited Russia into Mongolia.
• 1:02:54
  Matt: By 2019, he had traveled through Uzbekistan and reached Turkmenistan.
• 1:03:01
  Matt: But Bush beat he also hit two major issues beyond COVID-19.
• 1:03:18
  Matt: The first being Iran as a country, as a thing.
• 1:03:22
  Matt: He had ruled out at this point traveling through Iran at all.
• 1:03:30
  Matt: Just not just not gonna do it.
• 1:03:33
  Matt: And to that I say probably a good choice.
• 1:03:36
  Matt: Yeah, probably a good call.
• 1:03:38
  Matt: Probably a good choice.
• 1:03:39
  Matt: The second being Russia's war on Ukraine.
• 1:03:43
  Matt: Meaning I can't go forward into Iran, and I do not want to go back into the now wo act of war zone of Ukraine and Russian territory and the ensuing fights.
• 1:04:00
  Matt: So Eric, he decided there was really only one viable alternative to continue the route without much delay, and that was to swim across the Caspian Sea.
• 1:04:14
  Matt: God damn.
• 1:04:15
  Matt: So he set out for Azerbaijan by way of swimming across the Caspian Sea.
• 1:04:24
  Matt: He did this with the experi uh the assistance of several experienced swimmers, and he slept on boats at the end of each day.
• 1:04:32
  Matt: He successfully, Eric, swam across the fucking Caspian Sea.
• 1:04:39
  Eric: I need to look up a picture of this guy because all I can picture in my mind is just like a piece of beef jerky by this point.
• 1:04:47
  Matt: The swim took 31 days with 132 swimming hours.
• 1:04:54
  Matt: God damn.
• 1:04:56
  Matt: He then uh He looks so normal.
• 1:04:58
  Matt: He does look very normal.
• 1:05:00
  Matt: He's just some guy.
• 1:05:02
  Matt: He mostly is pushing a cart across the world.
• 1:05:06
  Matt: Bush and don't worry, audience, I'm gonna give you some resources to keep up with him.
• 1:05:10
  Matt: Bush B proceeded on through Turkey, but first he was delayed in Armenia, awaiting visa approval to enter the country.
• 1:05:20
  Matt: And just so everyone's clear, including you, Turkey being the preferred name of Turkey, what we commonly call in this country, but they call Turkey.
• 1:05:31
  Matt: So he proceeds through Turkey, he finishes the Turkey leg in September of 2025, Eric.
• 1:05:43
  Matt: And he then entered Romania, now just 1,375 miles away from the United Kingdom.
• 1:05:53
  Matt: He is currently, Eric, January.
• 1:05:56
  Matt: As far as my research can show, and we are recording this somewhat in advance, folks, it's January 2nd.
• 1:06:03
  Matt: As of today, as far as my research can deliver to me, Bush B is currently in Hungary and is preparing to enter Austria with just under 1,000 miles to go between his physical person and his hometown and final destination of Hull.
• 1:06:27
  Matt: He anticipates reaching Hull by September of 2026 after 27 years of journeying.
• 1:06:39
  Matt: You can follow his journey, my friends.
• 1:06:43
  Matt: Bush B B U S H B Y 3000 on Instagram.
• 1:06:49
  Matt: You can go to our Instagram account.
• 1:06:51
  Matt: We're following him.
• 1:06:53
  Matt: I made sure of it.
• 1:06:55
  Eric: We gotta we gotta ask.
• 1:06:57
  Eric: Gotta ask what?
• 1:06:58
  Eric: If he wants to be a guest on the show.
• 1:07:00
  Matt: I mean, I can ask.
• 1:07:02
  Matt: He's gonna not respond.
• 1:07:04
  Matt: Yeah, that's fine.
• 1:07:05
  Matt: But I'll respond.
• 1:07:06
  Matt: But Eric, that's my local legend, Carl Bushby.
• 1:07:10
  Eric: He's local to everybody.
• 1:07:12
  Matt: He's local to every single person.
• 1:07:14
  Matt: And you can you can check out well, largely not true, actually.
• 1:07:18
  Matt: I mean, he hasn't been in Africa at all.
• 1:07:20
  Matt: But or indeed Australia or Antarctica.
• 1:07:26
  Matt: He's circumnavigating the world.
• 1:07:28
  Matt: He doesn't need to hit every country.
• 1:07:29
  Matt: Also can't.
• 1:07:30
  Matt: No.
• 1:07:31
  Matt: But um he's homeboy Eric truly, he's almost done.
• 1:07:36
  Matt: He's he's right there.
• 1:07:39
  Matt: And although he's stopped his journey, he has never gone back to Hull.
• 1:07:45
  Eric: God, that's what what someone's gonna have a one-liner ready for him when he comes through the door.
• 1:07:52
  Eric: Like his mom's gonna be there.
• 1:07:54
  Matt: Look with a cat drug, damn.
• 1:07:56
  Matt: I don't know why I made it a Southern American voice that's greeting him.
• 1:08:01
  Eric: Is that my beautiful son?
• 1:08:03
  Matt: Whoa, Willie Nelson has entered the chat.
• 1:08:07
  Eric: That is, you know, testament to human spirit, indomitable.
• 1:08:13
  Eric: It's a wild way to live life.
• 1:08:16
  Eric: What do his legs look like?
• 1:08:18
  Matt: I they gotta be taught.
• 1:08:20
  Matt: Taught.
• 1:08:21
  Matt: They gotta be hard calves on those line, those legs of his.
• 1:08:25
  Eric: Who who's per because he has sponsors.
• 1:08:28
  Eric: I really do want to know.
• 1:08:29
  Eric: Like, are they keeping who who has his shoe who's making his shoes a secret until he gets like, we're gonna wait for him to finish, and then we'll be like, and it was Adidas.
• 1:08:38
  Eric: Uh okay.
• 1:08:39
  Eric: I'm banking on new balance.
• 1:08:41
  Matt: This is the I just real quick, this is the AI overview because I did it very quickly.
• 1:08:46
  Matt: Uh, Carl Bushby's sponsors have varied over his epic Goliath expedition with Westward Productions funding some aspects, um, like camels during his Mongolia walk.
• 1:08:59
  Matt: And uh in the in the past, he has had support from National Geographic.
• 1:09:06
  Matt: But of course, he's lost sponsors throughout the uh the endeavor and all that.
• 1:09:11
  Matt: He has written a book as well, um Giant Steps.
• 1:09:16
  Matt: It's yeah, the book is called Giant Steps.
• 1:09:19
  Matt: It was published in 2007, but I believe it's have a it's had a couple of um updates since.
• 1:09:26
  Matt: Um, but yeah, the man is almost done walking across the globe, Eric.
• 1:09:33
  Matt: Isn't that nuts?
• 1:09:34
  Matt: I get winded going upstairs.
• 1:09:36
  Matt: Yeah, buddy.
• 1:09:38
  Matt: I ain't walking across the the second I hit Russia and had legal issues, I'd be like, you know what?
• 1:09:45
  Matt: I'm going back across the Bering Strait.
• 1:09:47
  Matt: See, I'm walking back.
• 1:09:50
  Matt: I live in Alaska.
• 1:09:51
  Matt: Take me back.
• 1:09:52
  Matt: This is where I live.
• 1:09:53
  Matt: I live in Anchorage.
• 1:09:56
  Matt: This is who I am.
• 1:09:57
  Matt: So yeah, good legend, man.
• 1:10:01
  Matt: That's my local legend for you, my friend.
• 1:10:03
  Eric: And here I am with Ozzy.
• 1:10:05
  Matt: Sorry, Dice.
• 1:10:06
  Matt: Here you are with Dice, the cat in your backyard.
• 1:10:10
  Matt: The duplicatous cat in my backyard.
• 1:10:12
  Matt: The duplicatous cat in your backyard.
• 1:10:15
  Matt: Oh, yes.
• 1:10:16
  Matt: I I brought a world traveler of 20 with a 27-year expedition.
• 1:10:23
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:10:23
  Matt: You uh walked out your back door.
• 1:10:26
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:10:27
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:10:27
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:10:28
  Matt: And that's the level, that's the dichotomy of dynamic of the show that you can expect, folks.
• 1:10:35
  Matt: And that show is, of course, you didn't ask for this.
• 1:10:37
  Matt: And I think that will about do it.
• 1:10:40
  Matt: I'll about do it.
• 1:10:41
  Matt: For this year episode of You Daft.
• 1:10:44
  Matt: I think it's time, Eric, that we give the people a little bit of business before we release them back into the world.
• 1:10:51
  Matt: Catch and release.
• 1:10:52
  Matt: That's me, baby.
• 1:10:54
  Matt: That's me, that's us.
• 1:10:55
  Matt: That's us and you, audience.
• 1:10:56
  Matt: We have you, and then like a bass, we let you back out into the world.
• 1:11:02
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:11:02
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:11:03
  Matt: Eric, we have a we have a little thing called a Patreon, and I would like you to tell the people how they can be a part of it, how they can support the show, and indeed the community at large.
• 1:11:14
  Eric: Patreon.com slash you didn't ask for this.
• 1:11:17
  Eric: Folks, I'm gonna level with you.
• 1:11:18
  Eric: One dollar a month.
• 1:11:19
  Eric: That's it.
• 1:11:20
  Eric: For one dollar a month, you get access to the Yad Discord.
• 1:11:25
  Eric: The Y Daft chord.
• 1:11:26
  Eric: The Yadivts.
• 1:11:27
  Eric: I'm workshopping.
• 1:11:28
  Eric: The Yadifts card.
• 1:11:29
  Eric: It it's awesome in there.
• 1:11:31
  Eric: We have a we have a sick crew of people, subscribers, who just hang out, share funny things, talk, vibes are immaculate.
• 1:11:38
  Eric: We have an orgy dome.
• 1:11:39
  Eric: Tell us what you're bringing.
• 1:11:40
  Matt: And I will add that that joining the Patreon is remaining as the center square of the bingo card in Yad Bingo for its second straight year because we did not quite reach a hundred patrons.
• 1:11:54
  Matt: So you can make that happen, folks.
• 1:11:58
  Matt: You can make that happen.
• 1:11:59
  Matt: Eric, continue the pitch.
• 1:12:01
  Matt: For three dollars more.
• 1:12:07
  Eric: I have not had a cup of coffee cheaper than four dollars.
• 1:12:10
  Matt: No, not in the year of our Lord 2026.
• 1:12:14
  Eric: No.
• 1:12:14
  Eric: For $4 a month, you get access to the Discord.
• 1:12:18
  Eric: You get monthly bonus content in the form of all tangents.
• 1:12:25
  Eric: And you get 20% off of all your daft merchandise in the merch store.
• 1:12:31
  Eric: God damn, what a deal.
• 1:12:33
  Matt: Damn, what a deal.
• 1:12:35
  Matt: But that's not all I want to tell you about, folks.
• 1:12:37
  Matt: I also want to ask you for your questions.
• 1:12:40
  Matt: We need them.
• 1:12:40
  Matt: We need them to be dumb.
• 1:12:42
  Matt: We need them to be life's least pressing questions because they need answers too.
• 1:12:48
  Matt: It can't all be what's the meaning of life and what's my purpose.
• 1:12:52
  Matt: It can't all be that.
• 1:12:53
  Matt: No.
• 1:12:54
  Matt: Some of it needs to be what that cat doing.
• 1:12:57
  Matt: What that cat doing?
• 1:12:59
  Matt: So send them to us at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
• 1:13:02
  Matt: You can also send them to us on Instagram at you didn't askpod.
• 1:13:06
  Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod.
• 1:13:08
  Matt: And that's the same handle for Facebook, TikTok, uh all over the place.
• 1:13:12
  Matt: We haven't been active in anywhere but Instagram in quite some time.
• 1:13:17
  Matt: We lead uh pretty busy lives these days.
• 1:13:20
  Matt: And uh so Instagram, the main place you can find us on the socials, but please send us the questions.
• 1:13:27
  Matt: Do it today.
• 1:13:29
  Matt: Do it today.
• 1:13:30
  Matt: Email it on over.
• 1:13:31
  Matt: Again, you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
• 1:13:33
  Matt: But if you want to talk to us, if you want your voice, your dulcet tones to be on the show, call the thought line at 410-929-5329, and we will maybe play it on the show.
• 1:13:48
  Matt: Almost certainly we will.
• 1:13:50
  Matt: But gotta say, maybe for legal reasons.
• 1:13:53
  Matt: Maybe.
• 1:13:55
  Matt: Maybe.
• 1:13:56
  Matt: Maybe.
• 1:13:57
  Matt: Eric, let me ask you something.
• 1:13:58
  Matt: Did I miss anything related to the business or anything else?
• 1:14:01
  Matt: Matt, you gave them the fucking business.
• 1:14:03
  Matt: Then for all of us here at you didn't ask for this.
• 1:14:06
  Matt: My name's Matt Shea.
• 1:14:08
  Eric: My name's Eric Poach.
• 1:14:09
  Eric: And listen, you didn't ask.
• 1:14:10
  Eric: But I thought of another painting.
• 1:14:12
  Eric: The Garden of Earthly Delights.
• 1:14:14
  Eric: The Garden of Earthly Delights.
• 1:14:16
  Eric: I'm not familiar, Eric.
• 1:14:17
  Eric: You you should look up the Garden of Earthly Delights, specifically the butt flute.
• 1:14:23
  Eric: That should be us.
• 1:14:25
  Matt: I'm looking it up.
• 1:14:26
  Matt: I I don't I honestly don't think I've seen this painting before.
• 1:14:29
  Matt: Oh, it's awesome.
• 1:14:30
  Matt: Oh, I know this painting.
• 1:14:32
  Matt: It's got the mus the sheet music written on someone's ass.
• 1:14:36
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:14:38
  Matt: I am familiar with that still frame.
• 1:14:41
  Eric: It should be your ass, and I want to be the guy pointing at it.
• 1:14:44
  Matt: I see.
• 1:14:45
  Matt: And so you're gonna be the guy pointing at it.
• 1:14:47
  Matt: I'm gonna be the ass.
• 1:14:48
  Matt: And the song that is written is actually just gonna be this one.
• 1:14:54
  Matt: This outgoing theme music right here.
• 1:14:57
  Matt: Here it is.
• 1:14:57
  Matt: Oh, there it is.
• 1:14:59
  Matt: That's my ass.
• 1:15:00
  Matt: Picture my finger.
• 1:15:02
  Matt: Cheeks to the wind.
• 1:15:05
  Eric: Cheeks to the wind.
• 1:15:16
  Matt: I slept with Steve McQueen for months.