Latest / How Hard Can It Be? with Diana Maria Riva / Gina Torres On Becoming an Empty Nester: No Carpool, No Minivan, No Identity, NO PROBLEM!

Transcript

Gina Torres On Becoming an Empty Nester: No Carpool, No Minivan, No Identity, NO PROBLEM! · How Hard Can It Be? with Diana Maria Riva

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: When I became an empty nester, I was ready for
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: late night's adventures, traveling, a little dating maybe, and a
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: chance to finally dive into all my hobbies. There was
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: only one problem.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: I didn't have any. Twenty something years.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Of being a boots on the ground mom was my job,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: hobby and free time. Today my guest is my sister
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: from another mister, and we're talking about being an empty nester.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: No minivan, no identity, no problem.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: So really, how hard can it be?
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: I am here with.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: My girl, je Dorres Salon.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, you all know her and lover from
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: just recently nine to one one lone Star Captain Tommy
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Vega captain just as you should be fell in love
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: with her as Jessica Pearson in suits, Jessica Pearson in
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Pearson And then y'all, the community that went crazy about
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: was the Firefly community, Zoe Washburn and countless voiceovers superhero
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Women and then the best role of your life mother
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: to Delai La.
• 1:13
  Speaker 4: Yes, yes, yes, yes, thank you for wrapping all that up.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: I am so exciting.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: You know what's it's so exciting about being here with
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: you is that I came to your house the night
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: before I pitched this show, which, by the way, very
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: excited to be here doing. You must know that this
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: is one of our very first episodes.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: That's why we have wine.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: That's why we have wine because we'll see how this goes.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: But I pitched the show as an idea to rally
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: the gen X woman of which are the most powerful
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: and have the most spending power and are the most
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: active generation in history. That's right, right off those stats,
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: that's right. Let me let let's just talk about this here.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: We represent over fifteen trillion dollars of purchasing power and
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: are the healthiest, wealthiest, and active generation in history, according
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: to Forbes October two, twenty three. So the point is, though,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: that society likes to write us up as you're you're
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: you're there, you're middle aged, you're on the down side
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: of that hill.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: You wrap it up. It's going down.
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: But you have to get marginalized.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: Yes, we do.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: Yet we've never had more on our plate, and I
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: defy you to find another demographic that has more on
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: their plate to responsibility towards than us.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: We have ourselves. We're not retiring, We're not there yet.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: We have our children who are either still at home
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: or about to fly the nest. So we have college tuitions,
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: all of that, and we have our aging parents.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: So you tell me what do you mean? Wrap it up?
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: As I said, what the fuck do you mean?
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I was going to call this series FML, but I
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: didn't want everyone to be depressed. So here we are
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: looking at all things that genis women are looking at
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: and asking ourselves how hard can it be? And today's
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: topic that I wanted to talk to you about, because
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: this is new for you, is empty nester. You're a
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: new one, yes, yes, since September, since you are fresh hush,
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: you are barely in this and I've been in it
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: for a minute, and yet I don't think it gets
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: any easier. But I do think that we all have
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: a visual of what it looks like, yeah, or we've
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: been thinking and dreaming of what it looks like. So
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: if empty Nesting was a movie to.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: You, what would it have been like? What did you
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: think that movie looked like?
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: Oh?
• 3:23
  Speaker 4: God, what I what movie? I thought it?
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: Was it a comedy?
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: Was it a romance?
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: Novel?
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: Would be?
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: Was it a calm? Heavy on the calm?
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: For sure? God? Right?
• 3:46
  Speaker 4: Because because at the time, you know when you when
• 3:50
  Speaker 4: you project onto like you have this little baby, and
• 3:52
  Speaker 4: you're and you're and like you're sort of you're always
• 3:55
  Speaker 4: trying to be ahead of what, because that's part of
• 3:58
  Speaker 4: being a mom, right, You're trying to focus on, Okay, well,
• 4:01
  Speaker 4: what's next, then what's next, what's coming? When I was married,
• 4:06
  Speaker 4: when I had her, so I didn't even consider what
• 4:09
  Speaker 4: an empty nest was gonna look like. I didn't consider
• 4:12
  Speaker 4: how empty that nest was gonna be. I put it
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: that way. Yeah, And so there's so much time that
• 4:24
  Speaker 4: goes by. You're not just watching your baby grow up,
• 4:28
  Speaker 4: but there are parts of you that are growing up
• 4:31
  Speaker 4: for all the reasons that you just said.
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: Right, there's.
• 4:36
  Speaker 4: My parents are no longer with me. But I was
• 4:38
  Speaker 4: juggling all of that, aging parents, sick parents, a marriage,
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: then a failing marriage, my own career, like like all
• 4:48
  Speaker 4: of those things. And so I just remember a girlfriend
• 4:52
  Speaker 4: of mine at one point when my parents had passed,
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: my marriage was over, she said, you're gonna find your
• 5:02
  Speaker 4: hands again. Hmmm, because you've been doing this. You've been
• 5:08
  Speaker 4: you've been reaching out and pulling towards you, and reaching
• 5:10
  Speaker 4: out and pulling towards you, but not for yourself. And
• 5:16
  Speaker 4: so you're going to need to rediscover your hands and
• 5:20
  Speaker 4: you're gonna need to lay hands on yourself. Wow, And
• 5:26
  Speaker 4: sure enough, that was part of that, was part of
• 5:29
  Speaker 4: that process. It's like those little petite moretes that take place,
• 5:33
  Speaker 4: like little losses of innocence about I thought it would
• 5:36
  Speaker 4: be this, but now it's this. I was hoping it
• 5:38
  Speaker 4: would be that, but now it's this, and holy shit,
• 5:40
  Speaker 4: that's actually better than I could have imagined. Nice. So
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: all those things happen, all those things take place. I mean,
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: it's just it's life. It's life, and it's staying open
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: to all possibilities and including including staying open.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: To who it is that you're going to evolve into.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: But would you say that you walked into it with
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: all of this beautifully and you know, beautiful graceful balance,
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: because I look at you like, Gina, are you regal
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: about everything?
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: Because that is not what it looked like for me, Bless.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Yes, I mean I you could have told me all
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: of that shit when I got there. And let me
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: tell you, when I went to drop off my firstborn
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: in college, I had I was working, I was filming
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: on a series, and I didn't have the day off
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: and I said, listen, I'm a single parent and my
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: he was going to school near where my parents lived,
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: but they were going to be out of the country.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: And I said, I have no one I had and
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: this is my firstborn. I'm not missing out on this.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: And I asked production to please make it happen. They
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: they and they did.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: They gave me eighteen hours to fly. That's right, that's
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: about right. That's a turnaround.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: I'm like, that makes the turnaround to fly from Los
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: Angeles to Ohio and land on a red eye.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: And he was already there.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: He went ahead of me and he stayed at my
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: parents and I picked him up. I literally had my
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: makeup girl glue those lashes because I'm like, I'm not
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: gonna be able.
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: To do anything.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: I went on on a red eye, arrived, got there
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: my bestie of the rest of you all, meet Tina.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Tina picked him up at the airport, so she was
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: there waiting and the two of us moved him in
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: and then I turned around, I gave him a hug,
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: cried my eyes out, and she had to take me
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: directly to the airport and I cried the whole way.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: Wow. So all of.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: That that you just told me all this beautiful stuff.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Did you walk into it or with that kind of
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: grace and equility and balance?
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: Was what was drop off?
• 7:40
  Speaker 4: Like drop off? Drop off was was nuts? Drop off
• 7:44
  Speaker 4: was okay making me feel better? No, yeah, No, drop
• 7:46
  Speaker 4: off was mostly because I didn't have the college experience. Okay,
• 7:51
  Speaker 4: I graduated from high school and I hit the street.
• 7:54
  Speaker 4: I grew up and born and raised in New York City,
• 7:57
  Speaker 4: knew I wanted to be an actress, had no desire
• 8:00
  Speaker 4: to go into debt to do that because I grew
• 8:04
  Speaker 4: up in the city that people come to to become
• 8:07
  Speaker 4: an actress.
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: So the whole drop.
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: Off, pickup, dorm like that, I was clueless. So it
• 8:16
  Speaker 4: was like Deliah and I were doing this ship for
• 8:18
  Speaker 4: the same like for all the right but she has
• 8:21
  Speaker 4: the sink because she's, you know, she's a comfort baby.
• 8:24
  Speaker 4: She's like trying to buy furniture online. She's trying to
• 8:27
  Speaker 4: like show me the blueprint because they show you the
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: blueprint the dorm room.
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: I said, that's not gonna fit. That's not gonna fit.
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: We're not buying this, and I'm like it was weeks
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: of like going through her Amazon wishless going no absolutely.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: Nothing, no concepts, no none.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: You can tell her to walk in her close and
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: you say this right here, this is where you're gonna
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: have to outfit a space.
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: This thing.
• 8:52
  Speaker 4: So the one thing I did agree to was a shelf.
• 8:56
  Speaker 4: That's it was a shelf because there was one wall
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: that I measured. I said, okay, that'll that'll fit in there.
• 9:05
  Speaker 4: That that that'll that'll do. So the night before, We're
• 9:08
  Speaker 4: in my apartment in New York and I'm putting this
• 9:10
  Speaker 4: shelf together. She and I not quite but yeah. There
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: was that little a that little wrench, that that little
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: Alan wrench, single parent and uh and it had wheels
• 9:24
  Speaker 4: on it and and she was just like, we're doing
• 9:27
  Speaker 4: this together. It was like this bonding experience, right, And
• 9:30
  Speaker 4: I'm like, hand me, hand me those like a look
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: for the look for the sticker on the hand me
• 9:35
  Speaker 4: all the a's. It's time for the a's. Let's line
• 9:37
  Speaker 4: up all the bees, count the screws. Do we have
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: all the screws. Got it done?
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: So now comes moving day.
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: I got my guy, he's got his his big van Tony,
• 9:49
  Speaker 4: my boy Tony in New York, and we load all
• 9:53
  Speaker 4: of her luggage and all of the things, and this
• 9:57
  Speaker 4: big ass metal shelf that we constructed before you got there,
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: and I'm wheeling it down the street on the thing
• 10:10
  Speaker 4: and I put it in front of the front put
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: it in front of the van, and he's.
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: Like, okay. Somehow, we went back to the apartment.
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: We get the rest of the stuff, and Tony has
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: like put this thing into the truck and it's not
• 10:26
  Speaker 4: as bad as like holding onto the mattress on the
• 10:29
  Speaker 4: top of the but it felt that way. So we
• 10:32
  Speaker 4: get there and they've got it all figured out. I mean,
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: you've you've done this. You know, they've got the kids
• 10:39
  Speaker 4: on a schedule. The giant bins are coming up with
• 10:42
  Speaker 4: the giant blue bags and you're putting stuff in there
• 10:45
  Speaker 4: and you're throwing everything and I'm like okay. And she's
• 10:50
  Speaker 4: in New York, so it's it's not like this beautiful
• 10:52
  Speaker 4: scenic you know. No, you've got you've got a piece
• 10:55
  Speaker 4: of street. Yes that's beaten up because it's New York
• 11:00
  Speaker 4: City's downtown. And we just start wheeling all this stuff
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: into her dorm room. It takes half an hour to
• 11:07
  Speaker 4: just get the elevator. Yeah, because kids are coming up,
• 11:11
  Speaker 4: they're coming down, they're like all of that. We get
• 11:13
  Speaker 4: into her room and I'm like, this fucking shelf.
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: What's it too? Bag? And I'm like, we can put
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: it off. No, you're not putting it there. Well we
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: can you know you're not putting it there. Well I
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: think we get. This is where it's going to be.
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: I love that this is where the shelf is. Martha
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: Stewart takes over.
• 11:32
  Speaker 4: It's gonna be where the shelf is going to be,
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: the beds and you know, making the beds, start putting everything.
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: But it was just this.
• 11:40
  Speaker 4: She was happy, m h she And so the fact
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: that she was so happy and excited about all of
• 11:49
  Speaker 4: it was enough.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: For me to go, okay, all right, we can do this.
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: And but there was but there was all so like
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: that moment when it was time to go, like I
• 12:02
  Speaker 4: knew when it was time to go, Yeah, what was
• 12:05
  Speaker 4: your tip? And she was almost done? Like there was
• 12:09
  Speaker 4: nothing like that, Like I like, I made the outlets work.
• 12:12
  Speaker 4: I made all like like you know, so that she
• 12:14
  Speaker 4: wouldn't like stumble and fall and break her face like
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: on the way to the bathroom. I'd like the shelf
• 12:19
  Speaker 4: found its place, which apparently everybody loves because all the
• 12:23
  Speaker 4: girls have their own show.
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: Nice, so that all worked out. Your work here is done.
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: But but she was prolonging it.
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: Oh she was like, you can stay, you can, you can,
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: and it was just it was that classic reaching forward
• 12:37
  Speaker 4: and reaching behind you at the same time. Yeah, it's
• 12:40
  Speaker 4: like are you still going to be there?
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: Like are you? Are you?
• 12:43
  Speaker 4: Are you still going to be are You're the one
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: who had to pull away? So I'm yeah, I'm the one.
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: I just I grabbed her and I kissed her and
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: I said I want to go. She said, okay, oh.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: My goodness, and she she had met her roommates, like
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: they had found each other.
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: That's another thing that colleges do so much better than
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: when we did it. You have these opportunities to find
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: your roommates and connect and talk on secure sites through
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: the school. So she was already somewhat familiar with them.
• 13:11
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I did not, and then I met one
• 13:13
  Speaker 4: of them because one showed up the day before and
• 13:16
  Speaker 4: had established some things, and then Delilah showed up, and
• 13:20
  Speaker 4: then she had one more roommate that came in the
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: following day, so they staggered up in that that way.
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: So it was nice. But she's she's.
• 13:28
  Speaker 5: Doing so great, and what about you?
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: Okay, so we move on to there you go home.
• 13:43
  Speaker 4: So I go home and and I have a margarita
• 13:47
  Speaker 4: or three, and I cry a little bit and.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: I found my hands again.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: Okay, that's such a broad statement. What did that mean
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: for you?
• 14:01
  Speaker 4: It meant that, like the on the most basic level,
• 14:06
  Speaker 4: it's when you have kids, you're always thinking for them,
• 14:10
  Speaker 4: about them and your your choices inform how like how
• 14:16
  Speaker 4: is it going to affect them? Like all of those things.
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: She was now off on her life. So I wasn't
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: waking up in the morning going what am I going
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: to make her for dinner?
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: What am I? You know?
• 14:28
  Speaker 4: What is is she? What's what's the schedule? Am I
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: dropping her off somewhere? Is she going somewhere? It was
• 14:34
  Speaker 4: like that was that part of my brain now was
• 14:38
  Speaker 4: suddenly open. And that's weird that when you spend eighteen years.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's phantom pains there.
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: It's like, you know, and then the other half of
• 14:53
  Speaker 4: me it is like girl, which is when she got
• 14:56
  Speaker 4: her driver's license, I was like, show me, You're not
• 14:59
  Speaker 4: like show me your CA it has a driver's license
• 15:01
  Speaker 4: with that's showing me that your kid has a driver's license.
• 15:03
  Speaker 4: It's me in bed at nine am, in school and
• 15:09
  Speaker 4: standing in line and waiting for the you know.
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: And it was and so there was like there were
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: other parts of that, like.
• 15:18
  Speaker 4: I mean walking around naked. I love the freedom though,
• 15:30
  Speaker 4: and why not, why not? Why the hell not?
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: So so tell me what your biggest surprise was something
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: that you didn't expect. Being home and having the space
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: to yourself or the schedule to yourself that surprised you,
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: either pleasantly or unpleasantly. I'm a little jealous that it's
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: all worked out so pleasantly that that is not how
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: it unfolded for me.
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: But go ahead, you be you.
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: So so far, so good, I think.
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: Because I focused.
• 16:01
  Speaker 4: So here's the thing, and you and I talked and
• 16:04
  Speaker 4: somebody's blown up my phone.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: It's really.
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: That's how she's dealing with.
• 16:13
  Speaker 4: You don't live here, no more is vibrating Like I'm like,
• 16:17
  Speaker 4: this isn't working for me right now.
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to have like.
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: A graceful thought necessarily so and you and I spoke
• 16:25
  Speaker 4: about this a little bit, and it's it's that whole
• 16:31
  Speaker 4: piece of like I was, I was an older mom,
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: like I had Delilah. I was thirty nine, So I
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: had lived so much life up until that point. I had,
• 16:42
  Speaker 4: you know, my dreams had had come true, My wildest
• 16:45
  Speaker 4: dreams had come true. Like there was like I had
• 16:47
  Speaker 4: a career, and so when I became a mom, like
• 16:52
  Speaker 4: I wasn't quite sure if if I was going to
• 16:55
  Speaker 4: lose all that, right, because there's a different state for
• 16:58
  Speaker 4: a woman's especially they're different in stages.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: It's like who am I? Who am I going to like?
• 17:02
  Speaker 4: What kind of a woman am I going to be
• 17:03
  Speaker 4: when I get married? What kind of a woman am
• 17:05
  Speaker 4: I going to be when I have a baby? What
• 17:06
  Speaker 4: kind of a woman am I going to be? Like
• 17:08
  Speaker 4: when I'm juggling all of this shit together?
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 17:11
  Speaker 4: So I'd had all of those milestones and then I
• 17:15
  Speaker 4: had a kid, and then my career didn't really take off,
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: take off like suits happened she was three, and then
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: that was something that we shot on location in Toronto.
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: So there were all of these sort.
• 17:29
  Speaker 4: Of things that were happening, and there was still so
• 17:35
  Speaker 4: much of me in there when I had her, while
• 17:39
  Speaker 4: I was having her, while I was raising her. That
• 17:43
  Speaker 4: that's also a part of like the finding my hands
• 17:45
  Speaker 4: part it's like it wasn't. She did not identity, She
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: was not responsible for my identity. She did not redefine
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: Gina Torres. She added to it, she expanded who Ginatores is?
• 18:05
  Speaker 4: But I didn't get lost in in in in the
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: mothering of it. And part of that was because I
• 18:15
  Speaker 4: saw my mom do that. Okay, that's a great question.
• 18:18
  Speaker 4: That's something that leads me to something else, is how
• 18:21
  Speaker 4: many of us as gen X women are the first
• 18:23
  Speaker 4: generation to go off and you know, be an emptiness
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: for something like college. I know my mother when she
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: said she wanted to go to college. My grandfather who
• 18:32
  Speaker 4: was and I'm first generation, and my grandfather was all
• 18:35
  Speaker 4: about women going off and getting their education. But when
• 18:38
  Speaker 4: my mother said she was going to go off to
• 18:40
  Speaker 4: college and live on campus, my grandfather was like, that's fine,
• 18:43
  Speaker 4: your mother's going with you and she will.
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: Be living with you. My mom's like, that's not exactly the.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: Scenario that and so she ended up going locally. And
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: then she had me, you know, she was married and
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: had me younger, so put it off, went back later
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: in life. So are we are you You're the first
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: to do that, and you saw your mother lose herself
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: in all those tethers, because you mentioned all those things
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: about who am I going to be in this career,
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: who am I going to be?
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: As a wife?
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: Who am I going to be?
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: And I think typically women do associate themselves with the
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: definition of who's attached to it or the tether attached
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: to it. And I know, for me, when my children,
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: I was a single mom, so it was the three
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: of us against the world for a long time. And
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: so when they went off, it's not like I didn't
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: know who I was. I had my career, I had
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: my passions, but I didn't have hobbies. They were my everything,
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: and I kind of sat there in my It's kind
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: of it was like an extreme COVID situation when everybody
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: was locked up in COVID and realized I don't know
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: how to do shit. I know how to work and
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: provide and you be of service or whatever, and then
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: we realized I need to do other stuff. I traveled
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: for the first time, you know, want to know what
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: my first empty nest gift was to myself a trip
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: to Europe and I was fifty.
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: I had never been.
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: That's a good trip. It was a good trip for
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: a girl.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: I got there.
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: I got there.
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: I've only been there to Spain, but it was great.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: And when I got that.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: Call from my girlfriend who was working over there, she said,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: come visit me and I said, I think this is
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: the time. Both of my kids are off and my
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: show's in the can.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: It's time to go.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: And my girlfriend and my other friend said, if you're
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: going to go, do this right, get yourself a first
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: class ticket. And I was like, but that's really expensive.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: It's like, you will never regret it. And I have
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: the greatest picture of myself sitting in first class with
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: my little glasses champagne.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: And then I bawled my eyes out because I was like, this,
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: such a good job, good job mom.
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: You're going to Europe for the first time. You're fifty.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: But that's okay, you know whatever. Perfect It was the perfect.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: I couldn't have enjoyed it more because I knew how
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: much I'd been there, but the tether had been so
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: so long. So I do think women, it's hard to
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: deal with that tether being stretched. And I hear you,
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: you knew who you were all that all this that time.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: You had something representative in your growing up, seeing your
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: mother lose her identity. You made an act of conscious
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: decision to not do that yourself. But how about to
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: the mothers who did do that, because it's just an
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: easy pattern to fall in shit?
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: Is what would you say to them?
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: Was your What was the gift you gave yourself that
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: we could give ourselves in this emptiness period of our
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: chapter fives, Because it's not about bereatement, it's not about
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: you should feel bad for having the emotions of missing them.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: I will always miss my child. What would you say
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: is the gift that you can give yourself? How starting small?
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and look, there's nothing wrong. I mean, you're gonna
• 21:39
  Speaker 4: be a mom, be the mom that you know to be.
• 21:41
  Speaker 4: I mean, it's incredible. And I tell Delilah all the time.
• 21:45
  Speaker 4: You know, I've told us that you're my favorite job,
• 21:48
  Speaker 4: Like you're the best job that I that I have.
• 21:51
  Speaker 4: Like that's that's it, that's all and so and and
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: I got that also from watching my mom, the joy
• 21:58
  Speaker 4: that she mother that's with you know that she tempered
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: with her exhaustion and her own you know, disappointment. But
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: she was a woman of her time. She's a woman
• 22:10
  Speaker 4: of her generation, sure, and so that's she didn't have
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: the choices that we had and I did, and so
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: and so that I would say, is my would be
• 22:23
  Speaker 4: my advice, right, my gift to women who have who
• 22:28
  Speaker 4: have dedicated and sacrificed so much in service to their children,
• 22:34
  Speaker 4: I would say, brava, brava, you did it, and now
• 22:42
  Speaker 4: all that energy gets to come around to you and
• 22:47
  Speaker 4: be kind to you and treat yourself well without apology.
• 22:53
  Speaker 4: Stop looking over your shoulder. Yeah, there's no need.
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: There's no need.
• 22:57
  Speaker 4: Stop looking over your shoulder. There's you know, Put the
• 23:00
  Speaker 4: police away, lock them in the bathroom. Go buy the
• 23:04
  Speaker 4: thing that you think is too much, by the thing,
• 23:08
  Speaker 4: by the thing, if it makes you happy, Yeah, buy
• 23:11
  Speaker 4: the thing by the first class whatever it is, by
• 23:13
  Speaker 4: the first class ticket. Take yourself to dinner. Buy the
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: dress and wear it. Don't just like look at it
• 23:19
  Speaker 4: in the closet and say, oh I got no, No, no, bitch,
• 23:22
  Speaker 4: wear it.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, especially that I'll look better in this when I'm
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: five pounds. No, go ahead, wear it, wear it now. Yes,
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: you can start small, You start small. How would I
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: How would Jessica Pearson have handled?
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: Drop off? You're on your own in stilettos.
• 23:46
  Speaker 4: She would have been building that shelf in Yeah, in stilettos.
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: She would have been building the shelf in stilettos and
• 23:52
  Speaker 4: somehow rolled it from the like just pushed it down
• 23:57
  Speaker 4: the street and it would have gotten upstairs, all by
• 24:01
  Speaker 4: the magical unicorn that she was.
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: That's why we loved her, and that's what we looked
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: up to her.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: I think these are such wonderful nuggets for women to
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: take because there isn't a routine, There isn't a formula
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: for dealing with emptiness.
• 24:13
  Speaker 4: And by the way, and we're all making it up
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: absolutely as we go along. There's no wrong way to
• 24:18
  Speaker 4: do it. There's no right way to do it. There's
• 24:20
  Speaker 4: only the way that you get to do it. And
• 24:22
  Speaker 4: the fact that you get to do it that's kind
• 24:24
  Speaker 4: of extraordinary.
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: That's the gift itself.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I know that I go to bed, Like I said,
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: my son is now often to his real world job,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: and my son, my daughter has a longer path and
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: uh in graduate studies ahead of her. But I go
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: to bed every night and I cry a little bit,
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: and when I think about them, to the point where
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: I was just like, do I have sundowners Because I'm
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: crying every time I get in bed. But it's because
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: they're the first thing I think about when I wake
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: up in the morning, and they're the last thing I
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: think about because when I'm giving my gratitude that night.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: And also I realized, well, there's a picture right here.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: The last things I want to be, you know whatever,
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: I'm like, no wonder I cry. I would love to
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: ask you five fun rapid fire questions. They're my how
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: hard can it be? Questions on a scale from I
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: cry in my coffee because it's really hard, or I'm
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: swinging from the chandelier.
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: Uh huh, okay, if it's.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: Truly in the middle, it's baking a cake, right, Okay, okay,
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: night sweats.
• 25:39
  Speaker 4: Fuck well right now, well I've gone down the spectrum
• 25:45
  Speaker 4: on that shit. I yes, I have swung from the chandelier,
• 25:51
  Speaker 4: I have cried in my coffee, and now I am
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: happily baking that cake.
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: Nice.
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: Nice.
• 25:57
  Speaker 4: I just want to I know it's rapid fire, but
• 25:59
  Speaker 4: I just have to say, elon gate, go ahead when
• 26:02
  Speaker 4: that started to happen, because this because this is true,
• 26:06
  Speaker 4: Like this is truly who I am.
• 26:07
  Speaker 3: Because you're like, are you always this fucking grace about this?
• 26:09
  Speaker 4: This is who I am because I am fascinated by women,
• 26:14
  Speaker 4: and I think we're just the shit. And I think
• 26:16
  Speaker 4: that like there's like, there's no scientific anthropological study that
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: has even come close to what we are capable of
• 26:25
  Speaker 4: and what we have accomplished and who we are and
• 26:27
  Speaker 4: what it takes to be us in the world. So
• 26:30
  Speaker 4: when that started, when the when the first uh night
• 26:36
  Speaker 4: sweat hot flash happened to me, I just remember thinking going.
• 26:40
  Speaker 3: Oh, oh, ship, look what I'm doing.
• 26:49
  Speaker 4: My body does this, And then I immediately like flipped
• 26:54
  Speaker 4: it and going these motherfuckers appropriated this magic power and
• 26:57
  Speaker 4: they called it the flash.
• 26:59
  Speaker 3: They turned it in to a male superhero. Motherfuckers, and
• 27:04
  Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm like, this is mine.
• 27:09
  Speaker 4: And then it became inconvenient. But that's where my brain went.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: Just so you know, I yelled at the person next
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: to me. I was gonna there, there's a bunch of
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: people in the room with me.
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: Like everybody, get out, get out, because first.
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: Of all, this is a wool hat on my head
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: three hundred and sixty five days a year, so it's
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: not like so then incorporating.
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: Hot flashes on top of that, I'm like, I hate
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: you all. Go go okay, nice.
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: Yes, self care swinging from the chandelier nice, yes.
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: Okay, I'm sorry.
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: Just give us one thing that you do your for
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: yourself on the regular.
• 27:46
  Speaker 4: That's just gift massages, okay, massages and champagne and cabby are.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: Oh, I got fancy friends here.
• 27:57
  Speaker 4: It's not our day day, but you know, yes, it
• 28:00
  Speaker 4: treats out. But I guess I treat myself as.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: Our dear friend reader would say. Boundaries.
• 28:06
  Speaker 4: Oh, I want to say, swinging from the show.
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: I'm almost there. I feel like taking the cake out.
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: I've got the cake.
• 28:14
  Speaker 4: In one hand and I'm reaching for the chandelier and
• 28:16
  Speaker 4: the other because and and and I think part of
• 28:21
  Speaker 4: the business that we're in requires us to have boundaries
• 28:25
  Speaker 4: but also be diplomats. Yes, diplomacy is huge, Yes it is.
• 28:31
  Speaker 4: It goes a long way.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: So, as you said, you can say something that's one
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: hundred percent right and say it in the one wrong way. Correct,
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: that's what you told me. I'm quoting Miss Gentauris this
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: regal bitch?
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: Last one?
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: Spontaneous sex.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm watching Miss Gina's blush over here.
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 28:59
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's well, that's that's also that's one of those
• 29:03
  Speaker 4: there's I think I think hand is on the chandelier.
• 29:08
  Speaker 4: Hand is definitely on the chandelier in mid swing.
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: But I do love cake.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: I'm like before or after dinner because if I'm eaten,
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: I'm too full.
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: It's not happening.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: Socks on, socks on.
• 29:23
  Speaker 4: It's cold, it's it is, it gets cold, it's it's
• 29:27
  Speaker 4: all the things and and but you know, so much
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: of that also depends on the partner that you have. Yeah,
• 29:35
  Speaker 4: I think I agree, you know. I mean, my god,
• 29:38
  Speaker 4: I like him. You've got you.
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: Revealed. Yes, oh my god.
• 29:44
  Speaker 4: If you still you really like that person without the distraction,
• 29:47
  Speaker 4: absolutely absolutely. But you know, he he refers to himself
• 29:51
  Speaker 4: as an eagle scout.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: I want to know why, need to know why.
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: I'm an eagle scout.
• 30:00
  Speaker 4: I can Uh, he's he's he's in for the rough
• 30:05
  Speaker 4: and tumble, like he's into like, you know, going into
• 30:08
  Speaker 4: the wilderness and coming out of better man.
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: I'm going to say that to him next time I
• 30:15
  Speaker 3: see him. Uh. And he's a cowboy. You all should see.
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: I love that. I love that.
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: And there's gonna be a lot of women, Like I said,
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: we're all watching, not we're all watching everybody's either watching
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: Pedro Pascal or Colehauser on yellow Stock, and we and
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: we're like everybody's fantasizing about And don't say you're not.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: Do not say I'm the only one. We all know,
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: we all know.
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: How do I know we all know?
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: Because I know that's another thing we now.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: I cannot tell you how enjoyable this has been. And
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: I can't tell you how grateful I am that you
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: are my friend and that you uplift me. Did I
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: get to the part of the story where I went
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: to your house the night before I came and pitched
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: this podcast to practice my pitch with you. Yes, so
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: thank you for helping me make it happen. She told
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: me I sucked and I needed to start it. Now.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: I'm just cadd She did not know what she said.
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: She said she couldn't have been a greater cheerleader. And
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: we all need friends like you in our lives, especially
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: to walk through chapters like this.
• 31:21
  Speaker 4: Amen, I love you. I'm so glad to have you
• 31:24
  Speaker 4: in my life. Yes, yes, my little mini Cooper.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: Just just another thing about her story, She rolled up.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: We've been in this town and in the same orbit
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: because we're actors.
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: We were kind of I.
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: Wouldn't say I'm up for the same rules as Miss Gina,
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: but we were in the same orbit. And yet we
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: never really crossed paths as as comrades or peers in
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: the work industry. And then when our industry went on
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: strike a couple of years ago and I had organized
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: this group, Latina's acting up and she rolled up in
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: her little Mini Cooper and I'm just like.
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: I finally get to be friends with Gina tore. They're
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: so excited and look at us.
• 32:05
  Speaker 3: Here we are here, we are here, we are Yeah.
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: I love you. I love you truly, madly deep.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: How hard can it be?
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: With the Anna maade Aarriva is a hyphen it media
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: group production in partnership with Iheart'smei Fultura podcast network. For
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: more of your favorite shows, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts.