Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Carmen Romero - Standup comedy

Transcript

Carmen Romero - Standup comedy · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central podcast s s. Thank you, thank you. I don'
• 0:20
  t care how you guys are. I' m not okay. Okay,
• 0:23
  I' m not okay. I realized the other day that I wasn'
• 0:24
  t right when they called me from a phone company to tell me their publicity
• 0:30
  and instead of telling him I' m on the Robinson list, I don
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  ' t know if you know what the Robinson list is. It' s
• 0:33
  a list you sign up for and then they can' t call you to
• 0:36
  advertise anymore. And then what they called me. I got really nervous and
• 0:40
  I told him, instead of telling him I' m on the Robinson list,
• 0:42
  I told him he' s studying on Schindler' s list. Auntie
• 0:46
  hung up on me. He hung up on me. He realized, I
• 0:48
  mean, the message that I' m protected and I can' t do
• 0:51
  anything about it. He got it, but I fucking got hung up by
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  an agent of these callers to tell you about the publicity, eh, Host.
• 0:59
  I don' t want to go, but I know what you'
• 1:03
  re thinking. I know what your question is right now, in your head
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  this chick, what the fuck she wants, what a monologue is doing here,
• 1:10
  because I love trying to make people laugh for money, of course,
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  that is, me money. It' s what I like the most,
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  money, but also attention. I mean, I need attention, a lot
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  of attention, because no one' s ever listened to me. I have
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  a lot of affective deficiencies. So I, right now, am like when
• 1:25
  a man breaks a nail. Okay it' s like I' m here
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  right now for me all the attention right now, for me okay this happens
• 1:33
  to me since I was little, because when I was always little, always,
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  always decorated in children' s functions, always, always was tree and
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  then I threw a lot of extra hours at home. So I' ve
• 1:44
  never been listened to, I' ve never been heard less than by Infanta
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  Sofia. I swear to you, I' ve been listened to less than
• 1:59
  Infanta Sofia, who calls herself the Queen. For one thing, I'
• 2:04
  m Madrid. I don' t know if I can tell I' m
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  madrileña. It' s going to be clear to you right now that I
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  ' m Madrid. Okay, I' m gonna tell you what happened to
• 2:08
  me the other day at Peñiscola. I didn' t know where Peñíscola was.
• 2:12
  I don' t know. It' s not good today, but
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  I was in Peñíscola. I' m Madrid. For me it is all
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  Madrid, that is, for me there is no life beyond parla and it
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  is and then in parla there is no life, which is as it is
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  a bit contradictory in parla you have no life. There' s someone out
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  here, yeah, and what are you doing here to suck her up to
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  the man, or not going, because she was in Peñiscola and she was
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  in a bar. I wanted to order a glass of water and of course
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  I am used to the water of Madrid, which is the best water in
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  the world. She' s Christian Ronaldo of the Waters, only much better,
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  because she' s never going to have an accusation of sexual harassment.
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  That' s how you can trust the water of Madrid and the applause of
• 3:00
  demagoguery. Of course, I already knew the magician that was going to work
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  and then I asked for a glass of water. And at that very moment
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  when I was asking for a glass of water, I realized that I was
• 3:14
  not in Madrid and that it was a coastal area. Then I said Hostia.
• 3:17
  I thought super fast. It' s a coastal area. Maybe you
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  don' t drink tap water here. Maybe I should have ordered a bottle.
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  But all this with my mouth already saying a glass of water. Please,
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  then my brain collapses and I said why I don' t know if
• 3:30
  you drink in a glass here. Auntie realized she was madrileña. Idiot sorry
• 3:32
  for the redundancy. I like to make Madrid jokes. I like it a
• 3:39
  lot because no one ever gets angry. No one from Madrid has been angry
• 3:43
  or over a joke, but with your own dick in your mouth you don
• 3:46
  ' t hear anything do around. Why do you think we say that we
• 3:57
  have semen here and it' s hard for us to speak clearly, because
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  we have the ghost limb syndrome, which is like when we speak the mouth
• 4:09
  is empty, it' s like where it is. Anyway, I'
• 4:13
  ve been advised to tell you about banal topics to start with, and so,
• 4:17
  then, I can tell you anything to see banal themes. How about
• 4:24
  the income statement this year my bad, mine bad,' cause I was
• 4:28
  going out to get back and I' m saying fucking weird if I was
• 4:30
  already cured of bullying. What' s going on? I don' t
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  know if this banal thing. I don' t know if well, maybe
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  it' s a little soon another or better, another, better, another.
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  You have realized how bad it is on the holidays this year, on
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  the calendar to which it is, from January to April we had not a
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  single holiday or one. I was just talking to a friend the other day
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  and she said good. But it' s three months. It' s
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  okay. I' ll be right back. It' s Christmas that you
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  see how time goes by and I' m fucking sayin' that months is
• 5:00
  a lot of time. It' s three months before it' s been
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  three months. These people who live in the future remind me of my kind
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  who in the first race already said they were journalists. It' s like
• 5:09
  uncle, wait, don' t wait, you still lack a lot of
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  dicks to eat to be journalists. Don' t worry, you' re
• 5:21
  going to eat them. That' s for sure. There' s some
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  more reporters here. Yeah, how' s it going on the CP page
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  now? It' s working fine now. Okay, I just don'
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  t know if it happens to you, because it happened to me when I
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  finished the race, which is like uncle, I' ve missed something in
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  this race. Like he' s known me a little bit, it'
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  s clear to get pointed in the inem already it' s like college doesn
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  ' t make anything easier for you. Uncle is but good. Anyway,
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  I was talking to this friend about this holiday thing, because we were just
• 5:48
  talking about the eight. I swear to you, the eight is in the
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  block of banal subjects I swear it' s complete chance It' s okay.
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  I' m not taking care of this. We were talking about it
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  because I had called a strike in some communities and not in others, but
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  she said equally good. I, even if there was a strike here with
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  a bite in Madrid, I couldn' t have done it because I'
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  m a cop and the cops, because we don' t have a strike
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  and how you can' t strike the cops instead of hitting sticks every three
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  minutes, you hit every fifteen, that is, services, minimum services,
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  no and with more bad shit, because you' re on strike on top.
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  Well, as long as you get the point. Yes, the rumors
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  are true. I don' t really fuck anything. Don' t fuck
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  always say people b being super easy aunt, fuck when you want. I
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  don' t know what the lincel said. But I mean, I have
• 6:43
  friends who say fuck. I didn' t miss anything and a month ago
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  his last fuck that you say good. Me. The last time I fucked
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  was in December of two thousand nineteen I swear to you. That was the
• 6:56
  last White Christmas I had. The last one has caught him now I don
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  ' t jewel any of this. It' s a fact I give you
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  just to know me. But of course I, thinking about this, say
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  fuck, because I' m going to put my pussy in Wallap Pop.
• 7:12
  If I don' t use it, not or at least I don'
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  t take another one. But it' s just not that good. He
• 7:24
  ' s in such a bad state that I' ve had to call him
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  off three times already. I' d teach it, I swear, I
• 7:30
  ' d teach it, but, well, we' re not gonna teach
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  here on TV either. It' s just that you weren' t going
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  to see anything either. But it' s very dark. It' s
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  darker than Stevie Wonder' s thoughts. You weren' t gonna see anything.
• 7:42
  I think I fuck very little because I don' t know how to
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  hook up and I don' t know how to hook up because I don
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  ' t know how to relate to men and less to Internet people. That
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  there are some on the Internet that tell me listen I would do you a
• 7:56
  favor, I say what favor you will do me. You' re going
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  to stay home waiting for the package that comes back to me two and the
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  others tell me I gave you very good what you' re going to give
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  me your electronic signature and more, if I can make a transfer like but
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  the ones that piss me off the most of all are the ones who,
• 8:13
  when you answer, tell you what' s wrong with you. You'
• 8:13
  re pissed because you' re on the rule that you' re morons.
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  Women don' t have to be pissed when we' re on the rule.
• 8:22
  It' s before the fucking rule that you don' t understand that
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  if you are, you are normal. Dude, it' s to see
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  thanks, it' s not that you either. I want to insult you
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  is that I' m going to get the rule sorry, but well,
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  I still really like men. I can' t do anything about it.
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  I haven' t discovered the button of homosexuality. I still like men and
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  I value educated men very much. There aren' t many of those left.
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  That' s what they tell you. Excuse me. It would be
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  very daring to send him a picture of my dick. I don' t
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  understand this. This is about valuing cocks well that is, putting note to
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  cocks. What I am to your teacher and what I do if you don
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  ' t get to the average I suppress you or as well it' s
• 9:09
  bureaucratic. It' s dick photo come stamp approved suspense. It' s
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  all super cold, which is like what kind of hook- up this is.
• 9:16
  It makes me so weird to have seen someone' s genitals and you
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  don' t even know what it' s called, that' s where
• 9:22
  you' ve put the romanticism in it because I can' t find it.
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  He' s already completely lost himself. The photo- chickens they send
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  you are against stings from below. You know no, so that makes everything
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  look bigger without size reference around, I mean, they don' t even
• 9:37
  put you on the pencil and kea that' s like a guy a little
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  bit know the size something and tell you what. You think, well,
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  I don' t think I know how. I mean, those guys haven
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  ' t come out, but by the way, let' s not.
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  I don' t want to cut, either, uh, I don'
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  t want to force. I' m not a or h no sorry eh.
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  And besides, the cocks, man, they' re on the order
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  of the day. Everyone' s sending cocksuckers. That' s right,
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  everybody sends cocksuckers. My grandfather sent me one once. I swear to you,
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  my grandfather sent me one. Evidently, it wasn' t for me,
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  man, you were wrong. It was for my mother. He doesn
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  ' t love me that much. But, well, since you' ve
• 10:20
  brought up the subject of people on the Internet, I' m very interested.
• 10:24
  I just had to tell you something about this. Internet people. Twitter.
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  Twitter freaks me out. They once got mad at me on Twitter because
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  I said ultrasounds in three days of babies are ugly. I don' t
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  know if you' ve seen the ultrasounds, these that do you when you
• 10:39
  ' re pregnant. So, I said they' re ugly and they got
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  a lot angry pro- life, it' s okay that they' re
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  people who are against abortion. I literally said that I shit shit with more
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  human form than those ultrasounds are worth, which is true, it' s
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  no joke. The provida got angry, they called me a murderer, they
• 11:00
  called me a lucifer, and like, wow, I' m finally famous
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  Mom came out of the Bible, they called me a sinner who sounds the
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  new song of Borne vertins. They' re not cool a little bit,
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  but it' s true the ultrasounds between days aren' t pretty. Man,
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  they' re not pretty. I don' t know if you'
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  ve seen them They' re not pretty. You know what' s not
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  pretty either? The insults I received for saying this, you know what'
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  s also not nice, the death threats I received for saying this you know
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  what' s less beautiful about this whole thing. The ultrasounds in three of
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  uncles are facens are very ugly, p and they are because you can not
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  say this. You can' t say this because you' re against life.
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  Not if I' m totally in favor of the ugly ones, I
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  mean, if we need fangs and for me as a fucking mother, I
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  ' m going full with them. My favorites are the ones who say that
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  I wish, the parents of the people who joke about abortion would have aborted,
• 12:01
  which is how you don' t see it. You don' t
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  see that we agree. I fucking hug, give me a pussy hug and
• 12:07
  stop bothering at the door of the sports clinic. Hell, I wish people
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  lived a good abortion, which is the opposite. But this one is proven.
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  These people who got mad at me, they looked at me on my
• 12:22
  twitch because these people are very researching, but especially looking back, back,
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  back. In the past they are very nostalgic. I like these people a
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  lot. The past scoured me on my twitch and pulled one off of the
• 12:35
  International Suicide Prevention Day. I think, I mean, it' s not
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  International Suicide Day. I think because it would be ugly not to plan an
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  International Suicide Day as we' re all going to stay this day for no.
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  I don' t think so. I think it' s suicide prevention
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  day it' s wrong that I don' t know this because it'
• 12:50
  s because I was interviewed by a radio station in Valencia, because I had
• 12:56
  a military brother who killed himself and then they interviewed me that day and provida
• 12:58
  them. The provida people. He took my tweet, quoted it and told
• 13:03
  me Carmen, you should take an example from your brother. I proliferate them
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  and say no prior man. I' m not going into the army.
• 13:15
  Not really. Thank you so much if you went to the fucking audience.
• 13:20
  Thank you so much.