Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 26, Season 1: Radical Acceptance

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Episode 26, Season 1: Radical Acceptance · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Welcome.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: I love doc podcast.
• 0:11
  Speaker 3: I am your cellost raina butcher our lovely host, doctor
• 0:15
  Speaker 3: Sarah Hensley.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Hey, Hey, hey, hey, how are you?
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: I'm good? How are you?
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm a little bit on the struggle bus. Yeah,
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: I'm pushing through.
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: You know, we've both been on the struggle bus a
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: little bit this week. You know.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Mama said there there'd be days like that. Yeah, and
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: you just got to push through.
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: I just got back from vacation, which I'll be honest,
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: really wasn't a vacation. You know, the vacations where you
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: need a vacation from your vacation from it. That's kind
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: of the vacation it was. It was tons of it
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: was listen, it was a ton of fun. It was
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: a girl's trip.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: But I just I don't know.
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: I don't know if I ever want to go on
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: a trip over again without my husband.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel you on that. I don't like being
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: out without my husband either.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: I don't either. It's weird. It's like, I don't know.
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: It's like when you're so connected and listen, I know
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: everybody is sick of hearing how wonderful our husbands are,
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: but we're sorry.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: They just are okay, We're not sorry. They're amazing.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not sorry for that. I earned that, that's right.
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: But we I just feel I feels so connected to
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: him that when I'm away from him.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: I feel just sort of lost. Yeah, I don't know it,
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: just don't.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I don't like it.
• 1:17
  Speaker 4: I don't like having to turn my brain on because
• 1:19
  Speaker 4: like when I'm with my husband, he's such a leader.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: He knows the.
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: Directions where we're going out to park, how to get,
• 1:24
  Speaker 4: how to navigate, how much things cost, and I'm just like.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Dude to do.
• 1:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah, like I need to turn my brain off.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: Plus he's my like, he's my safe space, so I
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: can just completely, like be unhinged if I want to.
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: You know, it's hard when you're around friends in particular,
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: like you can't be as maybe unhinged as you want
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: when things don't go exactly as planned because I will
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: stay on the way home. When we thought we were
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: gonna get stuck in Charlotte, I got a little unhinged.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: I cried because I was like, I just want to
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: be but we made it so all good.
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: But here we are. Here we are Episode twenty six,
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: whoop ooo, and the title.
• 2:04
  Speaker 4: Is Radical acceptance, which is something that I'm learning as
• 2:11
  Speaker 4: a lifelong learner, is such a key integral aspect of
• 2:16
  Speaker 4: regulating your nervous system and getting rid of the shame
• 2:20
  Speaker 4: that surrounds a lot of the wounds and traumatic experiences
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: that we have. It's like being able to disconnect from
• 2:30
  Speaker 4: the shame. Shame is just so dysregulating and it's so
• 2:34
  Speaker 4: harmful to the body, it's so harmful to our mental states.
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: It has no place in our world in my opinion.
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: I mean, guilt serves a purpose, right, Gilt says I've
• 2:44
  Speaker 4: done something bad, Shame says I am bad. And just
• 2:48
  Speaker 4: that feeling like one of the things that I'll admit
• 2:51
  Speaker 4: I've struggled with. And of course it's so much better now,
• 2:54
  Speaker 4: but it creeps in, you know, it creeps in, and
• 2:57
  Speaker 4: I think I've talked about it before. It's just this
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: overwhelming sense that I'm a failure. Yeah, And when I
• 3:01
  Speaker 4: tell people, like when I tell my mom that or
• 3:03
  Speaker 4: I tell Donald that, they look at me like I
• 3:04
  Speaker 4: have three heads.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: All right, because you're so successful.
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: Yeah, But it's like this overwhelming sense that I am
• 3:10
  Speaker 4: this horrible failure. And it literally will come from the
• 3:13
  Speaker 4: dumbest thing, like I didn't go to the gym this week,
• 3:16
  Speaker 4: Like I just had too much going on. I had meetings,
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: so many meetings this week.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: There was just no time to fit it in.
• 3:25
  Speaker 4: Because you have to drive there, you have to do
• 3:28
  Speaker 4: the workout, then you have to drive back, and then
• 3:29
  Speaker 4: you're sweaty and you're nasty and you're a mess, and
• 3:31
  Speaker 4: you got to do the getting ready thing, and there
• 3:33
  Speaker 4: was no time this week to fit it in.
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: You've always been an overachiever, though, as a massive over sure,
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: and so it's like when you're an overachiever, it's almost
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: as if you spend your whole life and everything you
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: do never feels like enough.
• 3:46
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's you know, interestingly enough. I heard this quote
• 3:49
  Speaker 4: from Elon Musk, and I I don't really care what
• 3:51
  Speaker 4: you think of Elon Musk, but this quote was good,
• 3:54
  Speaker 4: which is why I'm going to talk about it. Where
• 3:56
  Speaker 4: he said, it's just like a video game. Success is
• 3:59
  Speaker 4: like a video game with that that has never ending levels.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: It's like you're always.
• 4:03
  Speaker 4: Just trying to get to the next level, but the
• 4:04
  Speaker 4: levels are never never ending. You never reached this pillar.
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, right, and you never know really really what that
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: next level feels like or is so it's like you're
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: always trying to achieve it, right, Yeah.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Right, And so.
• 4:17
  Speaker 4: I remember my husband telling me, like a couple of
• 4:20
  Speaker 4: weeks ago, he goes, remember when you first started your business,
• 4:22
  Speaker 4: and you said, if I can just make forty three
• 4:25
  Speaker 4: hundred dollars a month, that's what I made as a
• 4:28
  Speaker 4: administrator as a director of a psychology program at the
• 4:33
  Speaker 4: university walking into tenure. Listen, y'all teachers and professors, professors,
• 4:38
  Speaker 4: they don't make any money.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: They don't make any money.
• 4:41
  Speaker 4: Yeah, And so I'm not saying that that's not a
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: decent salary. It paid my bills and I was blessed
• 4:45
  Speaker 4: to have it. But I thought, if I can just
• 4:47
  Speaker 4: do that, yeah, and then think about what we're making now,
• 4:53
  Speaker 4: and it's like in just a couple of years time,
• 4:57
  Speaker 4: and to think like nobody could in terms of that success,
• 5:01
  Speaker 4: like nobody could call me a failure, right, and in
• 5:04
  Speaker 4: terms of looking at my kids how they've overcome.
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: And then you look at your personal life and I
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: mean beautiful home, beautiful family, wonderful husband, you.
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: Know, yeah, peaceful, very peaceful for other than the thing
• 5:18
  Speaker 4: that we can't talk about.
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And I mean having four young kids at home.
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: I mean that's kind of chaotic, but it's very but
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: that's like a beautiful chaos. But you just learned to
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: kind of embrace.
• 5:27
  Speaker 4: Right, And there are some times where it's just, yeah,
• 5:29
  Speaker 4: parenting makes me feel a little bit.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: Like a failure.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: Everybody feels that well.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Because there's just so much nowadays.
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: Like Lexi, my sweet little Lexi lou through her birthday
• 5:40
  Speaker 4: party this weekend with her stepbrother who is a year
• 5:44
  Speaker 4: and two days younger than her, so they share the
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: same birthday week so we asked them then this year, like, no,
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: we want to do our party together because they're like bfs,
• 5:51
  Speaker 4: which is great, right, So we had a dual birthday
• 5:54
  Speaker 4: Fortnite and Hello Kitty at the house, all the decorations,
• 5:57
  Speaker 4: we had raising cane, chicken finger, we had a bouncy
• 6:01
  Speaker 4: house outside. It was super fun for everybody, and it
• 6:05
  Speaker 4: actually ended up being cheaper than doing like like going
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: to a place for two kids and hosting a party,
• 6:12
  Speaker 4: so that was a win. But then you know, I
• 6:14
  Speaker 4: got caught up in that and I forgot that Cheer
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: had a Halloween party. So I take her to Cheer
• 6:20
  Speaker 4: and we show up and everybody's in costumes, everybody's brought candy,
• 6:24
  Speaker 4: and I was like, dang it, I didn't check the
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: band app, like another one of the fifty.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: Apps I have to check.
• 6:31
  Speaker 4: We got four freaking kids, okay, and they're all in
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: different grades, and they all got different stuff going on,
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: different schools, you know, because they're drastically different ages all
• 6:40
  Speaker 4: these things.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: So what did I do.
• 6:42
  Speaker 4: She starts, you know, cheer, and I'm like, okay, well,
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: Walmart's down the street.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna run a Walmart. I got her cute little
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: Squish Mellow.
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: Costume because she's obsessed with Squish mellows, grabbed a bag
• 6:51
  Speaker 4: of candy, flew back to gymnastics, got there in time
• 6:54
  Speaker 4: for the party, threw a little Squish Mellow costume on,
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: and bam.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: She had a great time.
• 6:59
  Speaker 4: But still, but my nervous system is like, right, okay,
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: go to one mark, get this, get this, get this,
• 7:03
  Speaker 4: do this, do this. And one of the things that
• 7:06
  Speaker 4: Dana Dozzie has taught us so much is that your
• 7:09
  Speaker 4: nervous system responds so much more to how you are
• 7:12
  Speaker 4: doing something than to what you're actually doing. Yeah, And
• 7:15
  Speaker 4: so when you're in that constantly rushed state, which when
• 7:19
  Speaker 4: you get to when you get to this level, I
• 7:22
  Speaker 4: think that that we're at with this company. There's so
• 7:26
  Speaker 4: many meetings, there's so much email, there's so many phone.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: Calls to it, so much that you can't like it's impossible.
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: And this is where I try to give myself some grace,
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: because I mean I could work all day every day,
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: me too, and it's still I still couldn't like walk
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: away from the day and be like, Okay, I accomplish
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: everything I want to do.
• 7:47
  Speaker 4: There's no levels of completeness or like there's never being done.
• 7:51
  Speaker 4: There's no done this. No, no, that's not a word,
• 7:53
  Speaker 4: but right, you know, there's no levels. It's like I like,
• 7:57
  Speaker 4: my mom is seventy four years old. She's still doing
• 7:59
  Speaker 4: dentalene and she's going to retire and work for us,
• 8:03
  Speaker 4: which is awesome. We're so excited you come on, for
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: you to come on. We're so excited, Joanne.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Because she can't been over aginal hatching chair anymore. At
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: seventy four years old and for how long forty eight years,
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: fifteen years, fifty.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: Fifty years or something like that.
• 8:19
  Speaker 4: Yet over fifty years, that's wild and that wild, and
• 8:24
  Speaker 4: I'm just trying to tell her, like all that I
• 8:25
  Speaker 4: have to do, and she's just like, am I going
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: to be able to do this?
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: Like?
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Am I going to be able to And I'm like, yes,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: we will train you.
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: You will have specific tasks, specific goals, you know things,
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: and we will train you on what you need to
• 8:36
  Speaker 4: be trained on. Don't worry, We've got you. But it's
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: giving myself the grace. And so what Dana has taught me,
• 8:46
  Speaker 4: which I am now passing on to my clients, I'm
• 8:48
  Speaker 4: going to redo my Achieving Attachment Security course at some
• 8:52
  Speaker 4: point to add, you know, because I could. I love
• 8:55
  Speaker 4: to learn. I am a lifelong learner, just to add
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: a few more little elements, nothing that would make change
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: the main tools that I teach, but some little nuggets
• 9:04
  Speaker 4: of things that I've earned. And of course I recorded
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: that at my house when I was growing and you know,
• 9:09
  Speaker 4: and I want to bump it up to the level
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: of professionalism that you know we're.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: At right now.
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: And so now that I can afford to do that,
• 9:17
  Speaker 4: that's on my list. But one of the things that's
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: going to be in there, and one of the things
• 9:21
  Speaker 4: that she talks about is just radical acceptance of yourself
• 9:24
  Speaker 4: and it's the only way to calm the nervous system.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: And people don't.
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: I don't know, let's talk about radical acceptance because when
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: you say it, right, it's a very all encompassing statement
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: and so it's kind of hard to grasp. So when
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: you think of radical acceptance, what do you think that
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: feels like? And what do you think that really like?
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: Define that?
• 9:44
  Speaker 4: Yes, so I view it as like every circumstance that
• 9:47
  Speaker 4: I'm in and every part of myself, the good, the bad,
• 9:51
  Speaker 4: the ugly here in this moment is okay.
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: It's okay as long as you're not hurting anyone else, as.
• 9:56
  Speaker 4: Long as you're not yeah, okay, Yeah, there are things
• 9:59
  Speaker 4: that we shouldn't radically accept, right, Like if you're like
• 10:03
  Speaker 4: doing really bad things. No, we're not telling you. We're
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: talking about things like I ate a donut, you know,
• 10:09
  Speaker 4: and like that wasn't in my cold I didn't make
• 10:13
  Speaker 4: it to differc my holy party, right, We're talking about
• 10:17
  Speaker 4: like the sort of hiccups that happened.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: But we tend to beat ourselves or that's.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: The mistakes that we make.
• 10:24
  Speaker 4: That especially if you're highly intelligent person and overachiever, a
• 10:29
  Speaker 4: perfectionist all of those qualities that came from childhood parentification. Right,
• 10:37
  Speaker 4: we have a lot of neurodivergency. I truly believe with
• 10:40
  Speaker 4: all of my heart, I have adult ADHD. I meet
• 10:44
  Speaker 4: every I think I was really good as a child
• 10:46
  Speaker 4: of masking it. We know there's a large genetic component
• 10:49
  Speaker 4: to it. I think my dad had it for sure.
• 10:52
  Speaker 4: My daughter has diagnosed ADHD, and there's so much now
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: about my daughter that I'm like, oh wow, I see
• 10:59
  Speaker 4: it in myself. And so it's given me a lot
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: of empathy. But it used to be things that I
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: would beat myself up for, work, beat myself up for
• 11:08
  Speaker 4: I told my husband a story, and that's how this
• 11:11
  Speaker 4: is how I'm saying, Okay, I used to be a
• 11:13
  Speaker 4: little bit and I'm free to use those words about
• 11:15
  Speaker 4: myself because a little it was bordering on, if not
• 11:19
  Speaker 4: mentally ill. I remember being in seventh grade and I
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: told him the story the other night, and I was
• 11:25
  Speaker 4: in this advanced math class, and math had always really
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: intimidated me. I was good at it, so I was
• 11:30
  Speaker 4: always in the advanced classes. But I had to really
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: work hard to be good at it. It wasn't natural
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: to me. It wasn't easy to me. I was like
• 11:36
  Speaker 4: this overachiever that had to really study and really work
• 11:39
  Speaker 4: at math. So I got placed in this advanced math
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: class and I was like, how did I heck?
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Did I find myself here?
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: Right? Very intimidating, And I remember the first homework assignment
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: we got was a worksheet, and I remember I was
• 11:51
  Speaker 4: in all the advanced classes and I had just a
• 11:53
  Speaker 4: ton of homework my seventh grade year, just even in
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: that first week. And it was just different, right because
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: I went to an elementary school that was sixth grade
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: was still part of elementary. OK, So seventh grade was
• 12:03
  Speaker 4: like my first middle school year, and it was totally
• 12:07
  Speaker 4: different experience, you know, changing classes, having a locker school
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: that was way bigger than my elementary And I don't
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: know what happened, but like I just did like the
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: front page of this math worksheet and I turned it
• 12:19
  Speaker 4: in and I got like a fifty percent, Like wait what?
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: And I was devastated. I cried all day.
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: Long, every time, every moment between classes, I would go
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: to the bathroom Ministaul and I would cry. I was
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: that ashamed of myself. Can you imagine?
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: I mean I would I mean, I was the same
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: exact way, because I was a big overachiever.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: But I was the same way like.
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: I I had to try really hard though to be
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: good in academics in general, Like it didn't just come
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: easy to me. But speaking of that time period and
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: like shame and I know Dana talks about this a lot.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: You know, I remember being in the sixth grade and
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: starting my period and how devastated I was over that
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: and how shameful and dirty I felt then. And I
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: know Dana talked about this in the episode that she
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: did with us, which was episode nineteen in case y'all
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: want to go back and listen to it.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: It's so good.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: It is very good, great.
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: Information, and go give Dana follow because she's fantastic. But
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: she talked about how, you know, as females were kind
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: of infiltrated with all this information our entire lives about
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: how you know, the big thing for me when I
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: started my period was the one thing that my mother
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: said was you realize, like, once this happens, you're a
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: woman now. Well, my little eleven year old brain, like
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: I couldn't wrap my mind around like.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: What that meant?
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: It just meant that, Like to me, it just felt
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: really scary. Yeah, and then so because I was scared,
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: I felt like I wanted to hide, right, So then
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: I felt shame, and then it made me feel just
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: physically dirty because the idea of like and again and
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: like this is kind of a trigger warning here, Like
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: I didn't want to stick anything in me. Yeah, Like
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: that felt really bad and shameful. And so it's like
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: we're not really taught as females like about our period,
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: even about how it's just this natural thing. And Dana
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: talks about how we have like these animalistic bodies, and.
• 14:19
  Speaker 4: So many people don't talk about it with their their daughters.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: No, all it was was you're a woman now and daughter.
• 14:25
  Speaker 4: And I'm like and so, and my daughters are six
• 14:29
  Speaker 4: years apart, so I have obviously my older daughter is
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: going to be fourteen, she has had her mentrual cycle,
• 14:35
  Speaker 4: and so my younger daughter's walking in the bathroom like
• 14:38
  Speaker 4: what are these things called tampons? Right, And it's like, okay,
• 14:41
  Speaker 4: you're eight, Like I'm going to tell you, yeah, what
• 14:44
  Speaker 4: it is, and we're not going to act like there's
• 14:45
  Speaker 4: absolutely anything wrong with it. It's completely normal and someday
• 14:48
  Speaker 4: it'll happen to you. Too, and we'll take care of
• 14:50
  Speaker 4: it and you will have everything you need and you
• 14:52
  Speaker 4: don't have to ever worry about it because it's it's
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: nothing to be ashamed of. It's something that it could hurt,
• 14:56
  Speaker 4: that can hurt you. And she's just like, oh, okay, yeah,
• 14:59
  Speaker 4: she's never asked about it again.
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and then it's not scary, right because another thing,
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: like the whole like now you're a woman thing. I
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: don't know why it felt so heavy, but my mother
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: was a pretty emotional person anyway, and so I remember
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: the day I started. I was kind of in denial
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: for like three days, and I was like, this isn't happening.
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: It's just a sore, you know, And then it wouldn't
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: go away, and I was like, wait, now this is
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: this is happening.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: And so finally I went to my mom and told her, and.
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: It was like this huge emotional outburst where I get
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: it like her baby, you know, I'm the baby of four,
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: and it was like, okay, now you're grown up. And
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: so then my older sister who was two years older
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: than me, started crying because she hadn't started yet, and
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: like all over friends, I mean, it was just a
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: it was a cluster. I'll ever forget that morning. It
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: was just this emotional kind of situation where it shouldn't
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: be that right, it shouldn't be this big thing or
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: this big to do because it's so natural.
• 15:55
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I think, yeah, that we can trace back where
• 15:58
  Speaker 4: the shame started. Right, right, was actually really good about it.
• 16:01
  Speaker 4: But I think there are so many other things in
• 16:03
  Speaker 4: my life where I think, just unknowingly, I was so praised.
• 16:10
  Speaker 4: I learned that I would be praised for being successful
• 16:14
  Speaker 4: and achieving.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Right, So I really learned at a very young age.
• 16:18
  Speaker 4: And I'm not necessarily blaming this on my parents because
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: there was a lot of other people involved, teachers, coaches,
• 16:23
  Speaker 4: et cetera.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: I mean, I was always at the top of my class.
• 16:28
  Speaker 4: Straight a student, like athletes, the captain of the cheerleading squad,
• 16:32
  Speaker 4: homecoming queen. And I know people are like, man, very
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: am I hate me, But you know what, I was
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: bullied relentlessly, relentlessly.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: I went to a small school.
• 16:44
  Speaker 4: I moved schools in the middle of my seventh grade year,
• 16:50
  Speaker 4: moved cities and moved schools.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: That's tough, really tough.
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: So then I tried out for the cheerleading squad for
• 16:57
  Speaker 4: eighth grade before I was actually at the school. So
• 17:01
  Speaker 4: I moved like not like sort of mid to end
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: of the year, like I think it was like March
• 17:07
  Speaker 4: when I moved, and that's when they were having tryouts
• 17:09
  Speaker 4: for the following year, so these they tried to I
• 17:12
  Speaker 4: made the cheerleading squad. A group of girls signed a
• 17:15
  Speaker 4: petition to try to get me disqualified and kicked off
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: the cheerleading squad because I wasn't yet like going to
• 17:22
  Speaker 4: the school, but I was going to be there in
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: a couple of weeks and that was like hate from
• 17:29
  Speaker 4: the freaking stock and that those girls bullied me until
• 17:36
  Speaker 4: until I left that place my senior year. And so
• 17:39
  Speaker 4: if you think that like popular kids whatever don't get bullied,
• 17:42
  Speaker 4: oh no they do.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: They do. Everybody get you know, a lot of people
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: get bullied.
• 17:46
  Speaker 4: But I think I have always had such a self
• 17:50
  Speaker 4: concept of shame just my entire life, and even working
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: through my attachment security, I was able to work through
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: a lot of it, a lot of it, and but
• 18:01
  Speaker 4: I'm very now aware of when it shows up and
• 18:04
  Speaker 4: how freaking bad it feels, and knowing that the antidote
• 18:09
  Speaker 4: is the radical acceptance has helped me so very much,
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: especially recently, of just like instead of being like, oh,
• 18:15
  Speaker 4: I should have gone to the gym, I could have
• 18:17
  Speaker 4: gotten up at five thirty and gone to the If
• 18:18
  Speaker 4: I should have gotten up at five thirty, I would
• 18:20
  Speaker 4: have gone to the gym. I can't get up at
• 18:23
  Speaker 4: five thirty. I don't even get to lay down to
• 18:25
  Speaker 4: like eleven. I've got four freaking kids and two crazy dogs,
• 18:31
  Speaker 4: and a business that never stops, and husband that I love.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: That I want to give attention to.
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: And I think we're really good for each other in
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: the sense of because we have so many similarities in
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: how we were raised and how we were brought up
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: and some of just our traumatic experience. It's really similar.
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: Like we make such a great team for multiple reasons.
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: But I think we're each other's reminders of like, hey,
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: show yourself a little grace. It's okay, give yourself grace. Please,
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: the love of God keepers like when I need a
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: to take a back seat, like I always feel confident
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: that you have my back and vice versa. And that's why,
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: I mean, really, that's why we've we've made the business
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: is successful.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: Now. When you were on vacation, I was such a workhorse.
• 19:17
  Speaker 4: I was like, I'm going to really make sure that
• 19:22
  Speaker 4: everything's okay while she's gone. And I tried so hard
• 19:25
  Speaker 4: and it felt good. It feels good to be successful.
• 19:27
  Speaker 4: It feels good to be accomplished. But listen, not everybody's
• 19:31
  Speaker 4: gonna You're not always gonna have the days where you're
• 19:33
  Speaker 4: gonna be successful and accomplished.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: You're gonna have days where.
• 19:36
  Speaker 4: You make ridiculous mistakes. You're gonna, my dad would say,
• 19:40
  Speaker 4: and censor yourself. There's children, turn this off.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: My dad used to say, you fucked up in public.
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: Yeah, right, there's gonna be days where you fuck up
• 19:49
  Speaker 4: in public, and you're gonna have to release the shame.
• 19:54
  Speaker 4: You have to release the shame because it's so dysregulating
• 19:57
  Speaker 4: and it lives in your nervous system, and so much
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: of us were brought up. I think anybody who grew
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: up in a dysfunctional household has a self concept of shure.
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 20:07
  Speaker 4: I agree with the science on that. There's some science
• 20:09
  Speaker 4: around that.
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: I mean, I can think of just some things in
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: my adult life that weren't as big of a deal
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: now that I look back on them, that at the
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: time felt so terrible, And I can think about what
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: my body felt like in the moment, and one in
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: particular was I used to work for iHeart and I
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: had a moment, a weak moment at one of our
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: events where I drank too much tequila and tequila and
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: unfortunately this event was not the best planned in terms
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: of bathroom facilities. And so I decided to let my
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: bosses know that the bathroom situation for the peons down
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: on the field wasn't that great, because it means it
• 21:00
  Speaker 3: really was bad. I mean, there were like seven portage
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: ons to like twenty three thousand people.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: It was.
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: It was bad, and like the line like I wasn't
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: the only one crying because I had to pee so bad.
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: And then the security guards were like not allowing you
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: to try to like go behind a building, like I
• 21:14
  Speaker 3: tried to go behind a building to pete, and like
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: they were like holding my pea hostage, and I'm like
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: this is not okay. And so I'd had a little
• 21:20
  Speaker 3: too much tequila and I decided to you know, go
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: off on my bosses and then quit and then quit
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: and then like run out of the event like bawling, crying,
• 21:29
  Speaker 3: and I just remember it was Labor Day weekend, so
• 21:32
  Speaker 3: that following Tuesday that I went into work, like most
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: people could be like, you know what, I fucked up,
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: and I'm really sorry. I fucked up in public, and
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: you know, I'm really sorry, but I cannot describe to
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: you like I wanted to crawl into a hole and die,
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: like that's the shame that I felt. I felt so
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: embarrassed that I, you know, one quit quit my job
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: and a text message to my I love so much.
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: It just felt like I was so disrespectful to her
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: and really so disrespectful to myself. And I mean it
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: was like two weeks went by before I wanted to
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: crawl out that hole, you know, and I'm just like what,
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: I look back to that now and I'm like, I'll
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: do that to myself.
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: It wasn't. It didn't warrant that. It just didn't. I
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: would never do that now.
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: I'd be like, ah, I fucked.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Up, My bad, my bad. Yeah.
• 22:25
  Speaker 4: I mean I remember, you know, when I was so
• 22:30
  Speaker 4: previous to owning this company and starting this business, I
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: was the director of clinical psychology at a at a
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: university here private university in Kentucky, and I was running
• 22:40
  Speaker 4: both the PhD and the SIETY programs. Teaching in those programs,
• 22:44
  Speaker 4: you know, and we were teaching school. So luckily I
• 22:46
  Speaker 4: didn't have all of that pressure to conduct research because
• 22:49
  Speaker 4: I didn't ever want to be at a research one university.
• 22:52
  Speaker 4: I went to graduate school at research one university. I
• 22:54
  Speaker 4: published research at the you know, when I was in
• 22:56
  Speaker 4: graduate school, I wanted to go be a teacher.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what I wanted to do.
• 22:59
  Speaker 4: And so for that reason, thank you. I really loved that.
• 23:03
  Speaker 4: I loved being able to read research and teach it
• 23:06
  Speaker 4: to my students, you know, and I love to be
• 23:08
  Speaker 4: able to teach people how to conduct research. So I
• 23:10
  Speaker 4: taught research methods, dissertation, et cetera. Anyway, I'll never forget.
• 23:15
  Speaker 4: I was needed to copy a list of students from
• 23:18
  Speaker 4: a spreadsheet for a scheduling thing, for this extra section
• 23:25
  Speaker 4: of a class to be added. Right when I copied
• 23:28
  Speaker 4: and pasted the spreadsheet, I cut off somebody's name at
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: the bottom, like I didn't colly the last line. So
• 23:32
  Speaker 4: this person didn't get enrolled in this class.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: And this person was so mad about that.
• 23:36
  Speaker 4: They went to the dean, oh wow, and was like
• 23:39
  Speaker 4: I didn't get enrolled. And it was doctor Flann at
• 23:42
  Speaker 4: that time's job didn enroll me and she didn't, and
• 23:44
  Speaker 4: I was like, I know I did, How did I do?
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: This?
• 23:47
  Speaker 4: A copy and paste error? And so I had to
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: go to my boss and just say I'm so sorry.
• 23:52
  Speaker 4: My boss was the dean like, this is it. This
• 23:54
  Speaker 4: was just a human error. It was literally a copy
• 23:57
  Speaker 4: and paste mistake. And I profusely apologize. I'm gonna be
• 24:00
  Speaker 4: newly enroll her right now.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: You know, I've.
• 24:02
  Speaker 4: Apologized to her, Like there's no issue. You know, she
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: missed the first class. We're gonna get caught up, no
• 24:08
  Speaker 4: big deal. But I think that bothered me for a
• 24:11
  Speaker 4: whole month.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I get it, Like following.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: I was embarrassed.
• 24:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, I was like I am the worst person
• 24:17
  Speaker 4: in the world, Like how could I make such a
• 24:18
  Speaker 4: stupid mistake? And now my boss knows, and now it's
• 24:22
  Speaker 4: just like no wonder.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: My nervous sisters.
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: Was talk is like I'm so stupid. Like I used
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: to be like you're so stupid.
• 24:29
  Speaker 4: Now I don't talk to myself like that. That is
• 24:31
  Speaker 4: the one thing my attachment security totally changed for me
• 24:34
  Speaker 4: was my inner dialogue.
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: I would never talk to myself.
• 24:37
  Speaker 4: And now I think I don't even like the word
• 24:39
  Speaker 4: should I should have gone to the gym this morning.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: Should is shame. Should equal shame.
• 24:43
  Speaker 4: And so you know, I just one of the best
• 24:47
  Speaker 4: things that I do for myself right now that this
• 24:50
  Speaker 4: helped me tremendously. Is like even if I know I've
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: like put on five pounds or something, it's like, you
• 24:55
  Speaker 4: know what, I love you body, Like, thank you for
• 24:58
  Speaker 4: working well today. Thank thank you forgetting me where I
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: needed to go to sday.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: Body Like, you're such a great. Like you're a great,
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: You're a great, You're so good to me. Thank you,
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: thank you Lord for my body.
• 25:07
  Speaker 4: You know, I feel like just being able to cultivate
• 25:11
  Speaker 4: any gratitude and then the radical acceptance gratitude is it's
• 25:18
  Speaker 4: a huge part of it. Yeah, with the radical self
• 25:20
  Speaker 4: acceptance and just the like every part of me is okay.
• 25:24
  Speaker 3: Well again, gratitude is such a big part because you know,
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: I can think back to as we were talking on
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: the way here, you know, so many of my life
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: circumstances that happened that you know, decisions I had to
• 25:37
  Speaker 3: make that made me feel that made me feel sad
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: or made me maybe feel.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: Like I regret them.
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: But then I also have to show gratitude towards them,
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: because my life wouldn't be what it is today if
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: my life hadn't unfolded the way that it had, you know,
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: like all the trauma with my ex.
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: And I'm right there with you.
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So it's like I don't think that, Like I
• 25:56
  Speaker 3: don't I know that if I hadn't had all the
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: shit with my X, I wouldn't appreciate the love And
• 26:04
  Speaker 3: you know what, Josh and I share stability of it, right,
• 26:07
  Speaker 3: I just don't think I would appreciate.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: It as much.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Absolutely, you.
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: Have to be grateful for all the crap.
• 26:12
  Speaker 4: And I have so many clients that say the same thing,
• 26:14
  Speaker 4: which is, how do I keep picking the same type
• 26:18
  Speaker 4: of partner because you haven't learned the lesson and you
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: only learn the lessons through healing and healing those attachment wounds. Yeah,
• 26:26
  Speaker 4: and deshaming yourself and being able to accept so much
• 26:30
  Speaker 4: of yourself, right, because deshaming is recognizing and accepting things
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: about yourself that aren't pretty and then through the acceptances
• 26:43
  Speaker 4: where then the change can really occur. Right, Because if
• 26:45
  Speaker 4: your fight, if you're in denial that you have these
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: parts of you, Like one specific thing that I talked
• 26:53
  Speaker 4: about maybe a couple of weeks ago on TikTok and Instagram,
• 26:56
  Speaker 4: was seeking superiority to feel safe and someone of us
• 27:00
  Speaker 4: do that. And I used to do that through beauty
• 27:02
  Speaker 4: and through my intelligence. You know, I wanted to be
• 27:05
  Speaker 4: the prettiest person, and I had to be the smartest
• 27:07
  Speaker 4: person in the room, because again, I've been rewarded my
• 27:09
  Speaker 4: whole life for being the smartest person in the room
• 27:11
  Speaker 4: and the highest achiever and whatever, and so I associated
• 27:16
  Speaker 4: that with it with safety, because to be accepted by
• 27:19
  Speaker 4: the group does equal safety. Evolutionarily, it does. Right, if
• 27:23
  Speaker 4: you're an outcast, you are more likely to die back
• 27:26
  Speaker 4: in the day, right, not so much today, but we
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: do know that there are significant psychological benefits and physical
• 27:33
  Speaker 4: health benefits of social support. So if you're an outcast
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: from the social group, you don't get those benefits, right,
• 27:41
  Speaker 4: And so we're competing against our evolution in some senses.
• 27:45
  Speaker 4: But I think luckily we're in a society where there's
• 27:48
  Speaker 4: just enough of us.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: Now, there's enough.
• 27:50
  Speaker 4: Of us that are there's so much diversity in so
• 27:53
  Speaker 4: many opinions, and there's.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Somebody for everybody.
• 27:56
  Speaker 4: That's true, you know, I try to tell people like
• 27:58
  Speaker 4: the thing you should worry about the absolute least if
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: you're in a breakup, as will I find someone else? Yeah,
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: that should be the absolute last thing, but it's always
• 28:06
  Speaker 4: people's first thing, especially if anxious, preoccupied, it's their first thing.
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: We the people become really cynical too, you know. And
• 28:12
  Speaker 3: I feel like that was one thing I really tried
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: not to do despite some of the the doucherie that
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: I had picked in my relationships, like baggery. Yeah, like
• 28:24
  Speaker 3: I really was, like, you know what, despite all this,
• 28:28
  Speaker 3: I still believe and still know that there are really
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: good men out there. And the reason why I knew
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: is because my dad was a good man. My brother
• 28:35
  Speaker 3: in laws were good men, you know, Like I knew,
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: like my both of my sisters had married fantastic men,
• 28:42
  Speaker 3: and I saw their relationship and I was like, no,
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: that there are good men. It's just a matter of
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: finding and picking the right one.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah. See, I didn't have those. Yeah, I didn't have those.
• 28:52
  Speaker 4: My brother was like a long term bachelor, so he
• 28:55
  Speaker 4: actually got he's four years older than me, but he
• 28:56
  Speaker 4: yet he got married later three years after I got married,
• 29:00
  Speaker 4: So he didn't get married till he was like thirty
• 29:02
  Speaker 4: or in his thirties.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: Smart.
• 29:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah, smart, and they're still together and happy. So imagine that.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 29:09
  Speaker 4: And so, like I just saw, my brother was like
• 29:11
  Speaker 4: a perpetual bachelor. He never really brought any girlfriends around.
• 29:15
  Speaker 4: I knew he dated people, but like nobody seriously enough
• 29:18
  Speaker 4: that he was bringing.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: Them home to write us. Right. My dad was my dad.
• 29:24
  Speaker 4: My dad was in so many ways. Gosh, it's hard
• 29:29
  Speaker 4: to talk about my dad. He was an awful husband.
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: He was a able husband, terrible in every sense of
• 29:37
  Speaker 4: the word. And I didn't So, I mean, no, Joe,
• 29:44
  Speaker 4: why did I pick the person that I picked, you
• 29:46
  Speaker 4: know as my first husband? He was my dad wrapped
• 29:49
  Speaker 4: up in just a different package with a different color
• 29:51
  Speaker 4: bow on it. And so I didn't have those experiences.
• 29:55
  Speaker 4: And honestly, I mean, I've felt pretty hopeless a lot
• 30:00
  Speaker 4: in my life on my journey if like, good men
• 30:03
  Speaker 4: don't exist. And then now after I've been a coach
• 30:05
  Speaker 4: for all these years, it's like, well, I say.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: I have great men clients.
• 30:09
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I have men clients that are that reach their
• 30:11
  Speaker 4: attachment security that all they want is, you know, to
• 30:16
  Speaker 4: be able to love a woman. Right, And we have
• 30:20
  Speaker 4: this narrative in society that men are just the shit
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: bags that can't get it together and are always ruined
• 30:26
  Speaker 4: in their family. I've had more cases in my practice
• 30:30
  Speaker 4: this year of women having affairs and I think I've
• 30:33
  Speaker 4: ever seen in my life.
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not always the mill.
• 30:36
  Speaker 4: It's not always the men, because cheating is always wrong
• 30:38
  Speaker 4: no matter how you look at it. Get divorced before
• 30:40
  Speaker 4: you cheat. I will stand, I will die on that hill. Okay,
• 30:43
  Speaker 4: And cheating is never the right thing. Yeah.
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: I think you said it best when you said cheating
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: is a character flaw.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: It's character flaw.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: I agree.
• 30:48
  Speaker 4: It's one hundred percent of character flaw on anybody that
• 30:50
  Speaker 4: says it's not, you know, like, you need to check yourself.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: There's a character issue.
• 30:55
  Speaker 4: There are people that couldn't, could not allow their conscience
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: to do that, and when there are other people who.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: Can and then use the excuse that they're unhappy.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well leave, Yeah, leave exactly freaking leave.
• 31:12
  Speaker 4: Because you're going to destroy Oh my gosh. I can't
• 31:16
  Speaker 4: talk about specific client cases. I had to keep it
• 31:18
  Speaker 4: very generic. But I had this client who told me
• 31:24
  Speaker 4: about their parent's affair, and their parents had an affair
• 31:29
  Speaker 4: with someone who was very much in this child's life
• 31:33
  Speaker 4: in another capacity and had to continue to be in
• 31:38
  Speaker 4: that child's life. And they found out that their parent
• 31:41
  Speaker 4: was having an affair with this person and had to
• 31:45
  Speaker 4: just like be okay with it, and like so it
• 31:48
  Speaker 4: was the mom that had the affair.
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: The dad literally like tried to fight this person in
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: front of my client.
• 31:54
  Speaker 4: So much trauma around their mom's affair, and I mean
• 31:59
  Speaker 4: it broke my heart because it was like I can't imagine,
• 32:04
  Speaker 4: like this child was like eight years old.
• 32:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's sad because we're not really taught, or some
• 32:08
  Speaker 3: of us aren't always taught, you know. I always say
• 32:11
  Speaker 3: Josh is like a really great example of being born
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: into this, you know, this couple that truly loved each
• 32:17
  Speaker 3: other and it and showed.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: Born secure Yeah, and exhibit.
• 32:21
  Speaker 3: It just goes to show like when you're when when
• 32:24
  Speaker 3: true love and true partnership is exhibited, you know, through
• 32:27
  Speaker 3: in childhood, like what.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: You grow up to be.
• 32:31
  Speaker 3: Absolutely because I say, my dad, listen, my dad is
• 32:33
  Speaker 3: a good dad, but my dad was not. My dad
• 32:36
  Speaker 3: was not a good husband. And I don't think if
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: he ever listened to this, I don't think he could
• 32:39
  Speaker 3: disagree with that. I just think that him.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: He had too much.
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: He had so much unresolved trauma and probably still does. Sure,
• 32:47
  Speaker 3: him and my mom both they just had so much
• 32:49
  Speaker 3: unresolved trauma that neither of them ever dealt with. And
• 32:52
  Speaker 3: then they got married and it was just kind of
• 32:54
  Speaker 3: like the perfect storm. And so I know that he
• 32:57
  Speaker 3: probably feels a lot of remorse and regrets over you know,
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: I guess he had affairs. You know, my mom told
• 33:03
  Speaker 3: me that he had affairs again, which was very traumatic
• 33:05
  Speaker 3: for me.
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: Totally emotional parentifications. It was awful using your child as
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: a therapist.
• 33:12
  Speaker 3: I mean, these are certain things that I wish I
• 33:14
  Speaker 3: did not know, to be honest, And and you know,
• 33:17
  Speaker 3: my mom may have had some emotional affairs. You know,
• 33:20
  Speaker 3: I think that maybe she did. But my dad would
• 33:23
  Speaker 3: never tell me that, Like he just wouldn't. He wouldn't
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: do that.
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: He was different.
• 33:27
  Speaker 3: But I you know, I just I still believe that
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: I was able to have hope and not become cynical
• 33:34
  Speaker 3: because I really give some major props to my brother
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: in laws because they are just fantastic men.
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they really are.
• 33:41
  Speaker 3: They they showed me the way, and ultimately it was
• 33:44
  Speaker 3: my sisters that showed me the way because they chose good.
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: Men and I didn't know how.
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I didn't need I didn't know how.
• 33:52
  Speaker 4: I think though we're talking about radical acceptance, we're talking
• 33:55
  Speaker 4: about d shaming, and so if you've had an affair,
• 33:59
  Speaker 4: just know that you can recover from the shame. You can, yes,
• 34:04
  Speaker 4: but you have to address the character issues that caused
• 34:09
  Speaker 4: you to do it before leaving.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 34:12
  Speaker 4: We're not saying that you're this horrible person that should
• 34:15
  Speaker 4: be shown from society. But what I think I am
• 34:18
  Speaker 4: saying is you need to if you haven't dealt with
• 34:21
  Speaker 4: the reasons why if you haven't dealt with this the
• 34:25
  Speaker 4: Maybe you have super compartmentalization powers. Maybe you're avoidant and
• 34:30
  Speaker 4: you have super suppression powers. Where you could walk into
• 34:32
  Speaker 4: that affair and be one person and turn it off
• 34:34
  Speaker 4: and walk back into your life and be another person.
• 34:36
  Speaker 4: Happens a lot, right, that has to be addressed because
• 34:40
  Speaker 4: you can't live your life like that. It's not fair
• 34:43
  Speaker 4: to the people around you. And I'm not here to
• 34:46
  Speaker 4: shame anybody. What I want to get across is you
• 34:49
  Speaker 4: can heal from that. You can get to the root
• 34:52
  Speaker 4: of the character issue, of the issue in your life,
• 34:56
  Speaker 4: of the decisions that you made that led to that
• 34:59
  Speaker 4: you can get to the root of all of it
• 35:00
  Speaker 4: and then release every bit of that shame, especially if
• 35:04
  Speaker 4: you're a believer.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's what Jesus died for.
• 35:08
  Speaker 4: He died for the murder, he died for the adulterer,
• 35:10
  Speaker 4: he died.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: For all of us sinners.
• 35:13
  Speaker 4: And so all it takes is turning is like is
• 35:16
  Speaker 4: acknowledging it and turning it away from it, and then
• 35:19
  Speaker 4: you get to release that shame.
• 35:20
  Speaker 3: Josh even asked the other night we were talking about
• 35:25
  Speaker 3: because I had a consultation call, you know, with a
• 35:28
  Speaker 3: client the other day who was asking about your executive
• 35:30
  Speaker 3: service and she was going through it, you know, her
• 35:32
  Speaker 3: husband was having an affair and she was man gong ho, like, no, like,
• 35:37
  Speaker 3: I'm saving this marriage.
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: I can get over it. I can get over this.
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm good. I can get over this, you know.
• 35:43
  Speaker 3: And Josh and I were talking about it afterwards, and
• 35:45
  Speaker 3: he was like, how do you get over it?
• 35:47
  Speaker 4: You don't As someone who was cheated on multiple times, yeah, you.
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: May not get over it.
• 35:53
  Speaker 3: But I just said, you know, the only way to
• 35:55
  Speaker 3: get through those things because and this is the only
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: time I've ever seen couples have success from it. It's
• 36:00
  Speaker 3: through God. I mean, it's the only way you have
• 36:04
  Speaker 3: to You have to seek. You have to seek. You
• 36:07
  Speaker 3: know that safety through your faith and that healing through
• 36:09
  Speaker 3: your faith.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: I think God can restore anything. Yeah I do. But
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: should you give it.
• 36:15
  Speaker 4: A chance to be respected, I wouldn't do it because
• 36:21
  Speaker 4: I am not I am I have been there, I
• 36:23
  Speaker 4: have done that.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: I have bought the T shirt. I stayed so many times.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: I stayed after multiple of faith.
• 36:32
  Speaker 3: This scenario really quick because our experiences are really different, right,
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: Like we had men.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: We were with men who were habitual.
• 36:40
  Speaker 3: Cheaters, habitual cheaters, pathological liars, and gaslighters.
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: So it was like they would cheat and then it
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: was our faults.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was our fault.
• 36:46
  Speaker 4: They cheated, and even in the face of absolute proof,
• 36:51
  Speaker 4: undeniable proof, they would still alive.
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they would.
• 36:54
  Speaker 3: So I'm thinking, like I'm trying to think of a
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: scenario that I've never personally been in. But I know
• 36:58
  Speaker 3: some people are where maybe the you know, the partner
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: cheats and then they feel really guilty and they feel
• 37:04
  Speaker 3: really bad and they're very apologetic and they're like, no,
• 37:06
  Speaker 3: I want to work on this marriage. I want to
• 37:07
  Speaker 3: save this marriage because here's one thing that I learned
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: by being with my ex.
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: Cheating on me is not the worst thing you can do.
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: No, it's not.
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: It is not the worst thing you can do.
• 37:17
  Speaker 4: There were things that were way worse than that, way worse,
• 37:20
  Speaker 4: and things that we both experienced that we have to
• 37:23
  Speaker 4: release a lot of shame around that we were victims
• 37:26
  Speaker 4: of these things, because victimhood can come with a lot
• 37:28
  Speaker 4: of shame too, that something happened to you that wasn't
• 37:30
  Speaker 4: even your fault, right.
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: Well, and I mean, I know I've talked about that
• 37:33
  Speaker 3: in the past, like the sexual shame that I hold
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: from my relationship with my ex, because without getting too
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: deep into it, you know, there was just you know,
• 37:43
  Speaker 3: I think in one of the I think it was
• 37:44
  Speaker 3: the first episode, I called it sexual promiscuity. But then
• 37:48
  Speaker 3: after I really like dove into like what I actually
• 37:51
  Speaker 3: went through. Honey, you were trafficked, Yeah, it was like
• 37:54
  Speaker 3: sexual yeah, And there's so much sexual shame around that.
• 37:58
  Speaker 3: And even though I was a participant, right I can
• 38:01
  Speaker 3: think back to the moments that the situations, like I
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: was actively participating, but I felt and if you've ever
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: been in an abusive situation.
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: Then you know, right, you know what this feels like.
• 38:18
  Speaker 3: It's it's not like I was forced, like he never
• 38:21
  Speaker 3: like raped me, right, but yet I always almost felt
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: like I was being raped.
• 38:26
  Speaker 4: Deep coersion, deep deep manipulation and intimidation.
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because I've been there.
• 38:33
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I know exactly the feeling that you're talking about,
• 38:36
  Speaker 4: and it's giving me. It's making me feel ill just
• 38:38
  Speaker 4: thinking about it right now, you know. And so how
• 38:43
  Speaker 4: can you know? We have to be able to radically
• 38:45
  Speaker 4: accept our past as well?
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: Right, this happened.
• 38:49
  Speaker 4: You don't get over trauma by putting a happy spin
• 38:52
  Speaker 4: on it. You get over trauma yourself by radically accepting
• 38:56
  Speaker 4: that this shit happened and it screwed up my life. Yeah,
• 39:00
  Speaker 4: But where you have the opportunity to grow is can
• 39:03
  Speaker 4: you radically accept it and use it for your good
• 39:06
  Speaker 4: and for your growth or do you stay in victimhood
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: land wishing it never happened to you? Right? And so
• 39:11
  Speaker 4: that's where I think the main divide is between like
• 39:13
  Speaker 4: PTSD and PTG.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: Right, which is post traumatic growth.
• 39:18
  Speaker 4: And so I have radically accepted everything that's happened to
• 39:21
  Speaker 4: me in the past, and that was a huge part
• 39:23
  Speaker 4: of my healing.
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: On who I was right, who we were, Like I
• 39:25
  Speaker 3: think about who like the woman I was then versus
• 39:29
  Speaker 3: the woman I am.
• 39:30
  Speaker 4: Now, Oh for sure, totally different, like day yeah, oh
• 39:34
  Speaker 4: for sure r day hundred percent.
• 39:36
  Speaker 3: And there's lots of variables that I want to get
• 39:38
  Speaker 3: into in terms of why I was who I was
• 39:41
  Speaker 3: then versus who I am now. I mean, other than
• 39:43
  Speaker 3: just time, right, time has been a good friend in
• 39:47
  Speaker 3: terms of healing, which it always is.
• 39:49
  Speaker 4: But you have to do the work, and you have
• 39:51
  Speaker 4: to want it. And a part of the work is
• 39:54
  Speaker 4: that radical acceptance of like this happened. You know, I
• 39:57
  Speaker 4: can't bury my head in sand, nac it didn't happen.
• 40:00
  Speaker 4: I can't just suppress it and try to forget about it.
• 40:03
  Speaker 4: Because emotions are energy and emotional suppression. Suppression does not
• 40:06
  Speaker 4: work long term, right. It creates depression, It creates anxiety,
• 40:11
  Speaker 4: it creates physical health problems that we have all the
• 40:14
  Speaker 4: research in the world that shows that emotional suppression isn't
• 40:16
  Speaker 4: a good thing.
• 40:17
  Speaker 3: If everybody, I mean, disease is just a culprit of
• 40:19
  Speaker 3: nervous system.
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: Right, just regulation.
• 40:21
  Speaker 4: I mean, I'm a firm believer that every disease on
• 40:23
  Speaker 4: the planet except ones that are we know are fully genetic.
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: Right, Well, I.
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: Don't even know I can even say arthritis maybe.
• 40:31
  Speaker 4: Oh, I think I think all autoimmunity has a stress
• 40:35
  Speaker 4: based component to it. I'm not saying it's the full cause, right,
• 40:39
  Speaker 4: but it's certainly it's like one piece of the puzzle. Right.
• 40:42
  Speaker 4: It's almost like a like a necessary condition. Sure, you
• 40:45
  Speaker 4: know for a lot of disease.
• 40:47
  Speaker 3: Because you've heard, we've heard for years, like decades, like
• 40:49
  Speaker 3: stress is the number one killer, but I never really
• 40:51
  Speaker 3: knew what it meant, right, right, right, And then I
• 40:53
  Speaker 3: started digging into like then once I went to college,
• 40:55
  Speaker 3: you know, and got into psychology and like trauma, and
• 40:58
  Speaker 3: you know, although actually like, oh this.
• 41:00
  Speaker 4: Is what stress but one of the things that we
• 41:03
  Speaker 4: actually have found in psychology. And there's a really great
• 41:05
  Speaker 4: ted talk and her name is escaping me at the moment,
• 41:08
  Speaker 4: but she is a health psych person, so you know,
• 41:12
  Speaker 4: I have a concentration also in health psychology, and she
• 41:15
  Speaker 4: talks about how the belief if you believe, truly believe
• 41:18
  Speaker 4: stress will kill you, it actually has more negative effects
• 41:20
  Speaker 4: than if you believe the stress is harmless. Yeah, So
• 41:23
  Speaker 4: it's like because you're stressing about stress, right, right, So
• 41:26
  Speaker 4: then you're activating more stress by stressing about the stress.
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: I mean I think that that's kind.
• 41:29
  Speaker 2: Of like what Dana talks a lot about that.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 41:32
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and so you can't again, yeah I had a
• 41:35
  Speaker 4: stressful day. Well, I just radically accept that these things happened,
• 41:38
  Speaker 4: and you know, tomorrow's a new day. So I'm just
• 41:40
  Speaker 4: instead of like replaying it in my mind over and
• 41:43
  Speaker 4: over again, I have to drop down into my body,
• 41:46
  Speaker 4: feel where it is, breathe through it, and allow it
• 41:51
  Speaker 4: to be released. And we know, if you go through
• 41:53
  Speaker 4: my program, you do learn all of the elements of
• 41:55
  Speaker 4: proper emotional processing, which is I think when you pair
• 41:59
  Speaker 4: that with radical acceptance, it's like the keys to.
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: The kingdom, man, it really is.
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: It's the keys to the kingdom.
• 42:05
  Speaker 4: And it's helped me so much through this really traumatic
• 42:08
  Speaker 4: thing that happened back in May that we're still freaking
• 42:12
  Speaker 4: going through and probably will in the court system for
• 42:14
  Speaker 4: another year. So whenever time court date comes up or
• 42:17
  Speaker 4: something with the court comes up, I mean I literally
• 42:20
  Speaker 4: will hold myself and just say you are okay, like
• 42:23
  Speaker 4: you are safe, Like this person cannot hurt you.
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: Anymore, like they're.
• 42:27
  Speaker 4: Going to be held accountable like you are okay, you know,
• 42:31
  Speaker 4: and I just tell myself, like, yes, this happened, but
• 42:34
  Speaker 4: it is okay, now you're not right, Like it's that
• 42:37
  Speaker 4: part is over.
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: The part where they.
• 42:39
  Speaker 4: Hurt you is over, you know, And I just I
• 42:42
  Speaker 4: do that for some things that still come up.
• 42:44
  Speaker 3: Well, and I think the most one of the most
• 42:45
  Speaker 3: beautiful things about radical acceptance of yourself is it gives
• 42:49
  Speaker 3: you the ability to radically accept others.
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 42:52
  Speaker 3: And so when you're able to radically accept others, then again,
• 42:56
  Speaker 3: if you want to go back to our last episode,
• 42:58
  Speaker 3: then you become less.
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: Offended less so much less offended.
• 43:01
  Speaker 3: And offensiveness we talked about is a big nervous system
• 43:04
  Speaker 3: dysregulator too.
• 43:05
  Speaker 4: Yeah, And I truly believe that everybody does the best
• 43:08
  Speaker 4: that they can.
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: Absolutely doesn't mean you're not going to be offended.
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I think everybody does the best that
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: they can. And it's it's interesting.
• 43:16
  Speaker 4: Brene Brown did some research on this, and she talks
• 43:18
  Speaker 4: about it. She did some survey research. I believe of
• 43:22
  Speaker 4: you know, do you believe that everybody does the best
• 43:24
  Speaker 4: that they can? And a lot of people say no,
• 43:25
  Speaker 4: people don't do the best that they can. But when
• 43:28
  Speaker 4: you realize, when you do this work that I do
• 43:30
  Speaker 4: around the nervous system and around attachment trauma, and you
• 43:33
  Speaker 4: realize that so many people are living in subconscious states
• 43:39
  Speaker 4: of chronic disregulation with no awareness every most of their
• 43:44
  Speaker 4: behavior is coming from trauma responses. Right, that there's outside
• 43:48
  Speaker 4: of their conscious awareness, that their nervous systems are making
• 43:50
  Speaker 4: this decision without their conscious control. Right, So they're behaving poorly,
• 43:55
  Speaker 4: but it is literally the best they can because it's
• 43:58
  Speaker 4: a capacity issue. And so sometimes people's best sucks and
• 44:03
  Speaker 4: it hurts. It hurts you, and it doesn't make the
• 44:05
  Speaker 4: world a better place. But I truly believe that most
• 44:09
  Speaker 4: people are operating at capacity. So when we see people struggling,
• 44:14
  Speaker 4: let's remember let's put our empathy had on and remember
• 44:18
  Speaker 4: that man, they're probably fighting a lot that we don't understand,
• 44:21
  Speaker 4: and they are likely operating at capacity.
• 44:26
  Speaker 3: It totally changes your perspective when you think of it
• 44:29
  Speaker 3: that way, and it allows you to approach approach things
• 44:32
  Speaker 3: with so much more kindness and openness.
• 44:37
  Speaker 4: I had a client the other day who described probably
• 44:39
  Speaker 4: the most traumatic childhood I've ever heard of My entire life,
• 44:42
  Speaker 4: and people don't understand, like this isn't an easy job,
• 44:46
  Speaker 4: like it is good.
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: I couldn't do it, you know.
• 44:49
  Speaker 4: Compassion fatigue is real, expectation fatigue. Just sort of having
• 44:59
  Speaker 4: to hold and lay down every day with people's deepest
• 45:03
  Speaker 4: traumas sometimes is.
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: Really hard.
• 45:10
  Speaker 4: And sometimes like I'll just be laying in bed thinking
• 45:12
  Speaker 4: about something that someone told me that happened to them
• 45:15
  Speaker 4: in childhood, and of course with my.
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: Hyper empathy of the fearful avoidant.
• 45:20
  Speaker 4: And like starting to feel it in my body, and
• 45:23
  Speaker 4: then I have to do the work to sort of
• 45:25
  Speaker 4: be able to release that from my nervous system. But
• 45:28
  Speaker 4: it's not always easy, especially if I've been rushing around
• 45:32
  Speaker 4: and I haven't been able to attend to it since
• 45:34
  Speaker 4: I've seen that client. Right, And when I talk, when
• 45:38
  Speaker 4: I tell you, this person's dad did the most horrific
• 45:42
  Speaker 4: things to this little girl, and I think about the
• 45:47
  Speaker 4: evil of that, and I think about when I think
• 45:50
  Speaker 4: about then radical acceptance, it's like this grown adult woman
• 45:54
  Speaker 4: now has to live with what her father did to her,
• 45:59
  Speaker 4: and of the father is so important, so hugely important.
• 46:04
  Speaker 4: I mean, they are the representation of God on earth
• 46:06
  Speaker 4: for us, right, because God is a father, He's a parent.
• 46:10
  Speaker 4: So the love of God is supposed to be mirrored
• 46:13
  Speaker 4: on earth through the love of the earthly Father. We're
• 46:17
  Speaker 4: supposed to mirror God's love like God or man are
• 46:20
  Speaker 4: supposed to love their children and their wives the way
• 46:22
  Speaker 4: that God loves us. And so when that doesn't happen,
• 46:27
  Speaker 4: it can really really deter people from coming to God
• 46:32
  Speaker 4: with a father wound. And my kids have an awful
• 46:35
  Speaker 4: father wound, a terrible deep father wound, and there were
• 46:40
  Speaker 4: about to go through with the adoption.
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: So Donald is adopting.
• 46:43
  Speaker 2: My girls and so exciting.
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: I can't I mean, I'll cry if I talk about it, because.
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: I'm going to cry too.
• 46:49
  Speaker 4: It's so beautiful because they deserve, they deserve a good dad,
• 46:53
  Speaker 4: they deserve to be chosen, and he is choosing them,
• 46:58
  Speaker 4: and he has two other kids. Willing to say, I'm
• 47:00
  Speaker 4: going to go to from two to four like I'm
• 47:02
  Speaker 4: in it forever, I'm in it for life, and I
• 47:04
  Speaker 4: will protect them like I did not. They do not
• 47:08
  Speaker 4: have my biology, but they are my children, and he
• 47:11
  Speaker 4: is already protected and stood up for them in the
• 47:15
  Speaker 4: unmentionable situation. And then the situation with my child's father's family.
• 47:21
  Speaker 4: That is really painful right now. But I'm trying to
• 47:25
  Speaker 4: teach them the radical acceptance of the loss of their
• 47:28
  Speaker 4: dad and how their life was shaped and formed, right,
• 47:32
  Speaker 4: because there is some like chip on your shoulder that
• 47:38
  Speaker 4: this trauma happened like early in life, right, And Gab's
• 47:40
  Speaker 4: definitely struggled with that for years. She doesn't anymore. I
• 47:43
  Speaker 4: know for a fact she doesn't struggle with like that
• 47:45
  Speaker 4: chip on her shoulder anymore. But she did like, well,
• 47:49
  Speaker 4: my dad died and life is unfair, right, But when
• 47:55
  Speaker 4: you radically accept that, like I see you, I hear you,
• 48:01
  Speaker 4: I grieve with you, I understand your emotions. So I
• 48:03
  Speaker 4: give her all the validation and big and here. Life
• 48:08
  Speaker 4: traumatizes everybody. I think that's one of your famous quotes
• 48:11
  Speaker 4: that's really stuck stuck with me, is like, you don't
• 48:14
  Speaker 4: get out of this life without being traumatized. At some point,
• 48:16
  Speaker 4: you're going to lose somebody, whether it's your parent, whether
• 48:19
  Speaker 4: it's something, and it's going to be a traumatic situation
• 48:21
  Speaker 4: for you. Even if you're at the point where you
• 48:23
  Speaker 4: can handle and accept it, the loss of anyone that
• 48:26
  Speaker 4: you love through death feels traumatic.
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, No matter what.
• 48:30
  Speaker 5: Yeah, even if you're expecting it, even if you're expecting it,
• 48:33
  Speaker 5: even if your parent is older like you, just it
• 48:36
  Speaker 5: never feels on this earth like it's okay, right when
• 48:40
  Speaker 5: when things happen.
• 48:42
  Speaker 4: And my daughters were unfortunate to have some pretty traumatic
• 48:47
  Speaker 4: experiences early in life. But I said, you know what
• 48:51
  Speaker 4: if we just radically accept that this is part of
• 48:54
  Speaker 4: shaping who you are. And one of the things she
• 48:56
  Speaker 4: said to me the other day was, mom, I had
• 48:57
  Speaker 4: a hard time making friends because of a motional immaturity,
• 49:01
  Speaker 4: because that experience had to make her grow up and
• 49:04
  Speaker 4: understand that dife does traumatize you and how do you
• 49:07
  Speaker 4: get through that?
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: And how do you work through it? And she's had
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: all the therapy, and she's.
• 49:11
  Speaker 3: Dealt with something that's so heavy at such a young
• 49:14
  Speaker 3: age that most, like, you know, the majority of things
• 49:19
  Speaker 3: that young teenage girls worry about, it all seems, you know,
• 49:23
  Speaker 3: like just such trivial thing.
• 49:25
  Speaker 2: She just is like that, She's like, excuse me, but.
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: I was not, yeah, you know.
• 49:32
  Speaker 4: And and then she sometimes when I talk about my dad,
• 49:36
  Speaker 4: and I'll be like, well, you know, one time, like
• 49:39
  Speaker 4: your grandpa like did this thing and everybody thought was
• 49:42
  Speaker 4: really funny, but it wasn't so funny, you know, because
• 49:45
  Speaker 4: because my dad was still my dad in front of her, Like,
• 49:48
  Speaker 4: so we have to again radically accept papa's faults, like
• 49:54
  Speaker 4: I mean, and and and how we should Sometimes I
• 49:57
  Speaker 4: have to explain to her how my mom should have
• 49:59
  Speaker 4: had boundaries around some of the those things, right, Like
• 50:01
  Speaker 4: my dad was a cheater, had a lot of like
• 50:04
  Speaker 4: online affairs, like affairs, right, and are you telling me that,
• 50:07
  Speaker 4: like totally open about it too.
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: It's weird.
• 50:09
  Speaker 4: It was really awful, right, And and so you know,
• 50:15
  Speaker 4: she'll respond with do you know what my dad did?
• 50:19
  Speaker 4: And she's like, don't worry, mom My. Humor's not a
• 50:22
  Speaker 4: defense mechanism, I promise. And I'm like, you know that
• 50:24
  Speaker 4: at thirty, Yeah, you know that humor can be used
• 50:27
  Speaker 4: as a defense mechanism.
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: Like it's like, yeah, we've you've been through a lot
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: of therapy. I can tell you.
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: She knows. She's so, yeah, she's smart, just.
• 50:35
  Speaker 4: Like I don't care what so and so said down
• 50:37
  Speaker 4: the hall. I don't care because there's.
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: Like that my hair didn't look good today.
• 50:42
  Speaker 3: There are so many bigger things that matter. And she
• 50:45
  Speaker 3: knows that man that will serve her well.
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: I hope it served her well.
• 50:49
  Speaker 3: It will it will because think about the perspective shift.
• 50:53
  Speaker 2: You know, I've said it a million times. I'll say it.
• 50:55
  Speaker 3: I always used to say it to my clients when
• 50:57
  Speaker 3: I was coaching. Miracles happen. Change happens when perspective shifts.
• 51:00
  Speaker 3: It's the only time it doesn't happen. And like these
• 51:02
  Speaker 3: other circumstances that you think is going to happen, it's
• 51:05
  Speaker 3: when your whole perspective shifts on a circumstance or a
• 51:08
  Speaker 3: situation or a thought, and the light bulb goes and
• 51:12
  Speaker 3: then yeah, you're a better person for it.
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 51:15
  Speaker 4: So like when people are like, well my dad, my
• 51:17
  Speaker 4: dad and my mom are getting in divorce, She'll be
• 51:19
  Speaker 4: you know what.
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: My dad did?
• 51:21
  Speaker 4: Like she yeah, you know, and it's like, yeah he did.
• 51:25
  Speaker 4: He overdose on alcohol and drugs, and that's a hard
• 51:27
  Speaker 4: and they're shame for that around her. And so we're
• 51:29
  Speaker 4: trying to get to that radical acceptance of like, yes,
• 51:33
  Speaker 4: your dad died of a drug overdose and an alcohol overdose.
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: He died, had nothing to do with you, nothing to
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: do with you.
• 51:40
  Speaker 4: He died and is sitting in his truck paying bills
• 51:43
  Speaker 4: from Oxyconton.
• 51:45
  Speaker 2: But it's hard. It's still a hard thing to do.
• 51:47
  Speaker 2: It is to wrap your little brain around it is.
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: It's awful.
• 51:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean listen, I and then I know this
• 51:54
  Speaker 3: is going long. But just a couple of weeks ago,
• 51:57
  Speaker 3: when Josh and I were on our anniversary trip, my
• 52:00
  Speaker 3: mom after my parents divorced, and I rarely talk about
• 52:03
  Speaker 3: this situation, but she embezzled seventy five thousand dollars from
• 52:08
  Speaker 3: her job.
• 52:10
  Speaker 2: And she got caught.
• 52:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and you're talking about a woman who had never
• 52:14
  Speaker 3: even had a speeding ticket in her life. Like a
• 52:17
  Speaker 3: spiritual woman, strong, faithful woman. I mean, she'd served the church.
• 52:21
  Speaker 3: She was a preacher's wife for twenty two years. And
• 52:24
  Speaker 3: so when my parents divorced, and I mean she was
• 52:26
  Speaker 3: really really distraught. Money was tight, I mean, it ruined
• 52:30
  Speaker 3: them financially, both of them. And this was a divorce
• 52:33
  Speaker 3: that went on for three years.
• 52:35
  Speaker 2: And so I'll never forget again.
• 52:39
  Speaker 3: This is just one of those things that happened in
• 52:41
  Speaker 3: my life that I don't know if I've totally fully processed.
• 52:44
  Speaker 3: But we lived in a small town, you know, I
• 52:46
  Speaker 3: grew up in Bardstown and we were living in Florida
• 52:51
  Speaker 3: at the time. And I remember she came to me.
• 52:53
  Speaker 3: I was nineteen years old, and she was like, you
• 52:56
  Speaker 3: kids don't know this, but I'm gonna get arrested and
• 53:00
  Speaker 3: they're extra diving me back to Kentucky and so you
• 53:03
  Speaker 3: have to move back home. And of course it wasn't
• 53:05
  Speaker 3: that calm. It was very emotional and it was a
• 53:08
  Speaker 3: really emotional moment, and you know, she went back home.
• 53:13
  Speaker 3: They wanted to give her ten years in prison. Now
• 53:15
  Speaker 3: thankfully my dad had land, you know, and they took
• 53:18
  Speaker 3: a plea deal and she ended up spending three months
• 53:20
  Speaker 3: in county jail, but she wouldn't even let us come
• 53:23
  Speaker 3: see her. I saw my mom in jail one time,
• 53:27
  Speaker 3: and it's like, I wish that I could encompass what
• 53:29
  Speaker 3: it really meant and what it really felt like, because
• 53:33
  Speaker 3: my mom was like Betty homemaker, Like you know, she
• 53:38
  Speaker 3: was a stay at home mom our entire life. She
• 53:41
  Speaker 3: never missed a practice, a game, nothing. I mean, she
• 53:44
  Speaker 3: was there for us for everything. There was a home
• 53:46
  Speaker 3: cooked meal on the table every day. You know. She
• 53:49
  Speaker 3: was a woman who just kept everything in order. And
• 53:53
  Speaker 3: then boom, this happened, like and then there she stood.
• 53:57
  Speaker 3: I mean, she was like even growing up, she was
• 53:59
  Speaker 3: the all American girl, and so there she stood in jail,
• 54:03
  Speaker 3: and then it was splattered all over the local newspaper.
• 54:07
  Speaker 3: You know, like I get dizzy even talking about it.
• 54:10
  Speaker 3: And when I was talking about it on this trip
• 54:11
  Speaker 3: with Josh and me, I don't know what it was,
• 54:14
  Speaker 3: but I just completely lost it and I was just like,
• 54:17
  Speaker 3: I cannot believe that I've never thought about this situation
• 54:22
  Speaker 3: one and the pain that my mom was in, but
• 54:24
  Speaker 3: just the witness value of it for our entire family,
• 54:27
  Speaker 3: and how much shame surrounded it because we were in
• 54:30
  Speaker 3: such a small town and everybody knew. And this is
• 54:33
  Speaker 3: half the reason why I don't like to go home, right,
• 54:35
  Speaker 3: because I still feel this like it's like the moment
• 54:38
  Speaker 3: that I walk into Bardstown, it almost feels like there's
• 54:42
  Speaker 3: this dark cloud over me, and it feels like people like,
• 54:45
  Speaker 3: look at me, and that's what they still see, right,
• 54:48
  Speaker 3: And so you know, there's just I feel like, God, lover,
• 54:52
  Speaker 3: I want to release so much shame for her, And
• 54:55
  Speaker 3: I think that's why I got somewhat upset when I
• 54:57
  Speaker 3: was talking about it with Josh. Isn't because because I'm
• 55:00
  Speaker 3: over it. I don't necessarily care so much because I'm
• 55:03
  Speaker 3: away from Bard's sound, I don't have to live there.
• 55:06
  Speaker 3: But like, I think about how she felt, and I'm
• 55:10
  Speaker 3: convinced that I always say, you know, my mom died
• 55:12
  Speaker 3: of a broken heart, But she died of a broken
• 55:14
  Speaker 3: heart for so many reasons, right, And some of those
• 55:17
  Speaker 3: choices were her own. But I think the biggest difference
• 55:22
  Speaker 3: in one key thing that you said, you know, fifteen
• 55:24
  Speaker 3: twenty minutes ago, was she did not know how to
• 55:27
  Speaker 3: get out of her own victimhood, right, because so much
• 55:32
  Speaker 3: shame is tied into when you live in victimhood versus
• 55:35
  Speaker 3: when you just say, hey, I'm going to fall on
• 55:37
  Speaker 3: this sword and radically accept and move on.
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 55:41
  Speaker 2: And she didn't know how.
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 55:43
  Speaker 4: And I think one thing that radical acceptance allows you
• 55:46
  Speaker 4: to do when you apply it to other people, but
• 55:49
  Speaker 4: also when you're applying it to yourself, it allows you
• 55:53
  Speaker 4: to take accountability without the shame.
• 55:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 55:57
  Speaker 4: And when you have accountability without shame, you can apologize
• 56:02
  Speaker 4: and repair, right. And that's one of the things that
• 56:06
  Speaker 4: I think has felt so good in my marriage is
• 56:08
  Speaker 4: that I'm a regular apologizer and somebody who regularly takes
• 56:13
  Speaker 4: accountability because Listen, when when you heal your attachment wounds,
• 56:16
  Speaker 4: it doesn't mean that you're perfect what I say. It
• 56:20
  Speaker 4: means you get it right most of the time. And
• 56:22
  Speaker 4: then when you don't get it right, you can catch
• 56:24
  Speaker 4: and repair. Yeah, right, you catch it as quick as
• 56:27
  Speaker 4: you can and you repair it. And how do you
• 56:30
  Speaker 4: repair through accountability and through apologizing? And so many people
• 56:38
  Speaker 4: are so so unable to apologize. Like the amount of
• 56:43
  Speaker 4: couples that I've worked with in my history that has
• 56:46
  Speaker 4: at least one person that is completely incapable of an
• 56:50
  Speaker 4: apology is astounding. Well again, and it feels good to apologize.
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: It feels good to be.
• 56:57
  Speaker 3: Like I know, we talk about it a lot when
• 57:00
  Speaker 3: we use this line a lot, but it's very regulating
• 57:02
  Speaker 3: to the nervous it is because then accountability.
• 57:06
  Speaker 4: Yes, because then you're you're being authentic. Because what defenses
• 57:10
  Speaker 4: do when you get defensive and you blame shift and
• 57:12
  Speaker 4: you're like, well you don't understand me, is you're fighting
• 57:15
  Speaker 4: so hard for the narrative of I.
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: Am not I'm not shameful. Right, I'm not a bad person.
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: I'm not bad.
• 57:23
  Speaker 4: That's what shame is. So when you get so defensive
• 57:27
  Speaker 4: and you're blame shifting, and you're twisting and you're saying,
• 57:30
  Speaker 4: but I didn't mean to make you feel that way,
• 57:32
  Speaker 4: therefore you shouldn't be upset. It's like you're focusing only
• 57:37
  Speaker 4: on intention. You're not focusing any on impact, and impact
• 57:41
  Speaker 4: should always be addressed first. And when you start learning
• 57:44
  Speaker 4: to address impact first, radically accepting that you're capable of
• 57:47
  Speaker 4: making mistakes, even your stakes hurt your partner, and that
• 57:51
  Speaker 4: doesn't make you bad, it makes you human. And I
• 57:55
  Speaker 4: radically accept that, yeah, I did that thing or I
• 57:57
  Speaker 4: said that thing. And now when I'm in a different situation,
• 58:00
  Speaker 4: or when you've explained how you experienced this, even if
• 58:05
  Speaker 4: it wasn't my intention, and I can turn my empathy
• 58:09
  Speaker 4: hat on, and then I can understand through compassionate empathy
• 58:13
  Speaker 4: what you felt like, and I can radically accept that
• 58:16
  Speaker 4: I made you feel like that, right, And then I
• 58:20
  Speaker 4: can take accountability and I can apologize, and I can say,
• 58:24
  Speaker 4: what was going on with me that overlooked this. Either
• 58:27
  Speaker 4: I didn't even know you well enough, or I was
• 58:29
  Speaker 4: being too careless and I didn't know you most of
• 58:34
  Speaker 4: the times. I didn't know you well enough to know
• 58:37
  Speaker 4: how you would perceive that given the unique person that
• 58:39
  Speaker 4: you are. And I feel like there's a degree that no,
• 58:42
  Speaker 4: we don't have we shouldn't have to walk on eggshells. Well,
• 58:45
  Speaker 4: but securely it attached to people are able to be
• 58:49
  Speaker 4: attuned enough to their partners to kind of know if
• 58:52
  Speaker 4: I say that thing, or I do that thing, or
• 58:54
  Speaker 4: I bring that thing up in that way, it's going
• 58:56
  Speaker 4: to bring up shame or hurt in you because of
• 58:59
  Speaker 4: your own past day experiences. And so how can I
• 59:01
  Speaker 4: communicate with my partner in a way that will be
• 59:05
  Speaker 4: well received by them? And if somebody feels like that's
• 59:07
  Speaker 4: walking on eggshells, then like you're probably honestly not really
• 59:11
  Speaker 4: that successful.
• 59:12
  Speaker 1: In the relationships, right, And I'm not really inconsiderate you
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: think that I should be able to say and do
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: whatever I want and you just need to be in
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: a relationship then, And you know, however, somebody takes it
• 59:22
  Speaker 1: as that's their fault.
• 59:23
  Speaker 2: I really do.
• 59:24
  Speaker 3: I feel like accountability is true radical acceptance. Yeah, And
• 59:28
  Speaker 3: and like even saying if it makes my nervous system right,
• 59:32
  Speaker 3: just kind of relax and.
• 59:33
  Speaker 4: Feel good, And how do we reconcile that with being
• 59:35
  Speaker 4: less offendable.
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: Because you don't hold on to the pain.
• 59:41
  Speaker 4: Right, So my husband may say something and yes, I
• 59:46
  Speaker 4: have an fa filter, right that I've worked really hard
• 59:48
  Speaker 4: to correct, but occasionally I will interpret it.
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: More negatively than it is. Right.
• 59:54
  Speaker 4: And so we have this conundrum. Am I being too
• 59:56
  Speaker 4: sensitive or is he being too careless?
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 4: But what happens if we just go this moment didn't
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 4: work for us. Yeah, maybe if I was a little
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 4: more careful it would have been better. Maybe if I
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 4: was a little less sensitive it would have been better.
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 4: I apologize for choosing the most negative light to view
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 4: you in in that moment, and he apologizes for not
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 4: being careful enough to take consideration my level of sensitivity
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 4: around this issue. Right, And so then we can both
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 4: identify our growth edges and improve.
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 3: And this is what she teaches people. This is so beautiful.
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: It's a radical acceptance.
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 4: Yeah, in this moment, I think I was probably being
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 4: a little oversensitive. I was too offendable in him being like, wow,
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 4: in this moment, I was a little too careless with
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 4: your heart.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 2: Maybe I was a little too insensitive.
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 4: Right, Yeah, So why don't we both just come together
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 4: and just say this didn't work for us, It didn't
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 4: work for us in this moment.
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 3: That's what true partnership looks like it is, and it's
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 3: you know, I think it can be the difference between
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 3: demise and successful marriages, you know, when you're just able.
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 4: To Yeah, because what I try to teach people, it's like,
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 4: rarely about the issue you're fighting about. It's like how
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 4: you're fighting and how you're repairing.
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 2: There's a there's a deeper root calls.
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 4: For sure, it's not it's not about I mean, okay,
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 4: when we're talking about.
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: Abuse or affairs, sure, it's different.
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 4: It's different when we're talking about just everyday little offenses,
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 4: every day little hiccups and relationships that happened to us all.
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 1: Listen.
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 4: Conflict is normal, absolutely, but how do you catch it?
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 4: How do you take accountability? How do you repair? Accountability
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 4: is so regulating because accountability is radical acceptance.
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 5: That's right, That's what it is, which is radical acceptance
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 5: of your own behavior.
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 3: Which brings this episode full circle. Yeah, and again, guys,
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 3: this is exactly what she teaches in her hybrid group
• 1:01:48
  Speaker 3: coaching program. So please, if you are interested in learning
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 3: radical acceptance and true accountability, which again make you feel
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 3: really awesome, they do go to the Dating Decoder dot
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 3: com Calm check out all of doctor Hansley services. And also,
• 1:02:02
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