Latest / Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden / Year One Rewind: Say What You Mean

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Year One Rewind: Say What You Mean · Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden

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  speaker-0 (00:02.242)
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  Welcome to MyRealm. I'm Tammy Jordan, and this is Butterfly Days, the podcast that proves you're not past your prime. You're living in it right now because women don't have expiration dates. Butterfly Days is a celebration of the extraordinary potential of Gen X and Boomer women. Throughout history, women have shared wisdom to uplift and empower one another. And you're about to learn hard-earned wisdom and best-kept secrets.
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  From interesting, inspiring women. So if you're ready to embrace your butterfly season with confidence, find joy in the present, and create a legacy that matters, you're in the right place. No more holding back. Let's spread our wings now. Here we go!
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  speaker-0 (00:55.896)
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  This episode is from the first year anniversary of Butterfly Days and highlights really great themes and who we heard them from. Here's a pattern I didn't expect to find this year. I talked to a financial coach, a somatic healer, a therapist, a co parenting expert, a dating coach, and a woman who teaches boundaries for a living. Very different fields, different decades of life, same wound. Every single one of them at some point has
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  Said a version of this. Nobody taught me I was allowed to matter. So this episode is about worth and the boundaries that come from having some. You'll hear Simone Canego on being taught to respect everyone but herself, Shauna Marie Bryant, who will tell you exactly where the doormat ended up, Johanna Donaher, on the voice in your head that thinks it's protecting you, Dr. Julie Merriman on the rule book you never agreed to, Carla Calderas, the
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  Florence and Romano Anna Giannone Anissa Hudak wonderful women and fair warning, some of this is gonna sound like it was recorded inside your own house or maybe your own head.
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  speaker-1 (02:09.186)
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  When I was younger, I was taught to respect my elders, my peers, my teachers, all you know, all the things, but never myself. And that's the most important person to respect because if you don't set boundaries, if you don't learn to say no, then how how can you expect other people to truly respect you when you don't respect yourself?
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  speaker-0 (02:30.648)
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  Because it's all about respecting. It's about respecting yourself and respecting your child. You need to respect your child. Just because he or she is small, doesn't mean that they don't deserve respect. They don't deserve respect. You can't yell at them and smack them around or whatever. There's you know, they deserve as much respect as you deserve respect. Yeah. So you have to learn how to talk to your child, how to speak to your child, how to teach them.
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  speaker-2 (02:43.084)
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  Back. You can
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  speaker-0 (02:58.466)
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  How to teach them to solve problems eventually. Sit together at a table, talk to each other. Yeah. They grow. That's how they evolve. That's how they'll be able to spread their wings.
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  speaker-2 (03:08.874)
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  When we say yes to something or someone every single time, every time we say yes, we're saying no to something else. We have to, because we can't say yes and yes. There's no such thing. It's yes, so that I can't do that if I'm doing this. And with the people that suffer with boundary issues, that deal with all the kinds of things that I did, the doormats, if you will, the the thing that we always say no to is me.
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  Right? I come last, always last. And that's not a good thing. I was in the store and I was shopping and I saw this doormat and I thought, this is perfect for my front door. I love this doormat. It said, All are welcome here. And I put it at my doormat, feeling so warm and welcoming. All are welcome here. And then I realized, no, you know what? There are some people.
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  that have crossed the line in my life and they are not welcome here. So I picked up the mat and I moved it to our back door. Now we live out in the country and a lot of people don't come to our front door. They'll just come right through the side gate and up onto the back porch. There's a doorbell there too. And I realized you know what? Sometimes those are the very people who are breaking boundaries. They don't even go to the front door. So I picked up the mat and I moved it into my garage. Now the only people that come through that door are my husband and myself and
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  Most of the time. My husband is welcome here most of the time. And as I looked at that mat, there was one day, I you know how it is, your head is hanging, you know, you you're you're coming in the door and I'm I'm standing there and I'm looking at that mat and I realized, you know what? I've come a long way. We really do determine our our boundaries. And if we let people encroach on them all the time, they're going to. And so
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  One of the things that I've noticed is that boundary breakers don't like boundary makers. And when you finally get to that place where you're like, No.
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  speaker-3 (05:16.096)
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  We have the r most rude interrupter that shows up, that gremlin voice, that sort of inner critic, mean girl. We would never say the things we say to ourselves to a friend.
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  speaker-4 (05:31.736)
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  Sure.
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  speaker-3 (05:33.144)
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  We do it all the time to ourselves. We are our biggest critic. So challenging that voice and asking, what is the story that I'm telling myself in this moment? And what is actually true? What are the facts that I have? That gives me power, right? That gives me the ability to say, I don't need you to protect me because the voice is coming from a sense of sort of automatic protection, right? It's there for yeah.
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  There for a reason. I don't need that. Right? I what I need is I need you to support me. I don't need you to protect me. I need you to support me. So you need to become a coach, not a critic. Everything we need to know well before our mind will accept it. And something that you just said there, it really is. And and and you know, our bodies are our our temples, right? In so many ways. So we have to cherish and honor them. But something you just said, right? When when our daughters say, I'm fine.
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  And and many of us have said, I'm fine. Well, fine is interesting because it's feelings inside not expressed.
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  speaker-4 (06:39.714)
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  But I'll have them fold a piece of paper and you know if we have time, make the cover pretty because that's always fun. But it becomes their rule book. And anytime an I should comes up, girl, that is a rule. Who the hell says you should? As women, especially a woman born in sixty two, raised in a different era, we would we swallow our truth to keep the peace. That ends up as over time.
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  resentment in our heart and then we're ashamed that we've resentment or we're ashamed we're angry. And any feeling we have is the right feeling. Meaning we got to get embodied. Okay, I'm feeling a bit resentful. So let me put my hand over my heart. Really breathe into that soften remove judgment bring curiosity. Our bodies are so wise. Ask yourself, what do I need?
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  What do I need and it you the answer's there? Pausing would be the first tip. The next one is speak in an I statement. Sometimes we like make it into this hardball of something, what a boundary is, but can I simplify it to I, the feeling and why I feel that way. So that's how I teach it to my clients. Just think I, so make it about you.
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  The feeling and why you feel that way. Instead of like you're always screaming at me, you're always yelling, you're always raising your voice. I feel sad. I feel scared when people raise their voice at me. And then you can continue with the boundary, asking for something or just saying I'm gonna take some time to myself.
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  speaker-5 (08:20.046)
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  Again, going back to this idea of conviction. How do you say what you mean without saying it mean? Phone rings and someone's name comes up on it, and my first reaction to that is an eye roll. And I catch myself in that moment thinking, that's not great. That's not a great reaction when that happens. So, like, what's going on there in that relationship? And maybe it's that I feel like it's pretty one-sided. I feel like
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  It's always something that they need. They always need something from me. I feel like I'm I'm always the favor that they're asking. I I feel like I'm I'm constantly having to appease them and it's not reciprocal. This relationship, I'm kind of a doormat. You go through all those things. Think to yourself, okay, well, is this relationship no longer serving me? And if it's not, then how do I walk away from it? And the first thing I always tell people to do is would they even notice if you're gone?
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  speaker-2 (09:18.902)
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  One of the things that I learned to say is I will no longer allow you to interpret how I feel. I will no longer allow you to interpret how I respond to something or feel about something. And people are are gonna say what they're gonna say, they're gonna feel what they're gonna feel, they're gonna think what they're gonna think, and you don't really again, one of the problems with people with boundary issues is that
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  We want to fix all that. We don't want them to feel that way. But like you were saying earlier, Tammy, they're going to, you know, there's really is and if and if you think, well, I will take that on so that it's not a problem, well, it is a problem. It's just become your problem. And so if you can say, This this is how I feel, this is how I see it, and I understand that you may not see it that way. and just let that be okay.
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  speaker-1 (10:16.992)
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  It's true. We're we we shouldn't focus on what anybody else is wearing, what anybody else is doing. We just need to be proud of who we are and and any permission that needs to happen needs to come from ourselves and not waiting for that external validation. Trust me, sometimes it's nice when someone says, my gosh, your hair looks beautiful today. But it took it took me years to be able to say the word thank you because I always would say, no, I think it looks frizzy, or you you look beautiful in that dress. Mm, it's not really my color.
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  And I didn't realize now not only am I minimizing myself, but I'm minimizing their comments. One of the things I'm working on right now is the idea of kitchen table leadership. That you know, we've been sold this narrow view of what leadership is, that you've got to be at the head of the table, you've got to be the CEO, you've got to be the manager. And that's not how it works, right? When you think about how many of our decisions have been made around the kitchen table and
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  And that we all are leaders. We might be leading different things, but every decision we make is a leadership decision. The
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  speaker-2 (11:24.406)
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  Capable, I handle everything, successful, high achieving, who you know puts it in hyperdrive. You know, if you need, you know, three million dozen cookies for the PTA bake sale tomorrow and it's 9 p.m., this is the girl you call, right? I do everything for everybody, and I got nothing for me. The one answer.
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  Love and it's a complete No.
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  speaker-1 (11:55.564)
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  Yeah.
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  speaker-4 (11:58.068)
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  You own your calendar. You own your freedom. As I've come home, I I'm worthy. Just being me. I don't have to earn my worth.
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  speaker-0 (12:07.31)
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  Two things I keep coming back to. The first is Anissa's. She's describing the woman who can produce three million cookies for the bake sale at nine at night, and then she nails it by saying she's managing all the variables so she feels safe. But then I do everything for everybody, and I got nothing for me. The second is Anna's, and I love that these two ended up next to each other. Simone says.
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  She was taught to respect her elders, her teachers, everybody but herself, and Anna is talking about children and how a child deserves your respect too, that being small doesn't make you deserve less of it. Put these together and you get the whole thing that respect is fundamental for all of us. It isn't something you earn by being big enough or good enough. Not for a four year old and not for you. You're allowed to
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  To want things you're allowed to say no, because no is a complete sentence, and this is my benediction for you. May you have come to see respect is appropriate for all of us who try. May you realize that being perfect is not the bar for self respect. May you treat yourself with the level of dignity and honor you do for your dearest loved ones, and may that example stoke your light.
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  To shine on everyone that you meet and to remember, I'm rootin' for you.
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  speaker-0 (13:43.286)
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  I'm so grateful you listened to this episode. I hope it was a real value to you. If there's a sister in your life who needs this message, please share it. Just like women have done to lift each other up over the centuries and across cultures. Women lifting each other is so important. It's why I do this work. And to avoid FOMO and keep up leveling your own life, make sure you don't miss the next episode.
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  You may be losing hormones, but your life has given you powerful perspective. And I believe you have something to give that no one else does, that the world needs. So remember, I'm rooting for you. Let's go.