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Dear Son, I’m Disappointed: How Fathers Can Communicate Disappointment Without Damaging Trust | 203 · Dear Son,

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's dangers in children not knowing the fool exposed you of the both sides of the coin.
• 0:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you know what I mean?
• 0:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: The spectrum spectrum.
• 0:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Number two, your tone often communicates more than your words.
• 0:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Children remember facial expressions, body language, silence, sarcasm, and emotional withdrawal just as much as spoken words.
• 0:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: studies on parental or parental disappointment suggests that indirect criticism and non-verbal expression can lead children feeling powerless or uncertain about how to recover.
• 0:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I am big guilty of tone.
• 0:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when I say tone, I'm not talking about volume, right?
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's get it, welcome to the Dead Sun Show.
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have meaningful conversations about life through the lens of fatherhood.
• 1:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is four fathers, those with fathers and the fatherless, so nobody's left out.
• 1:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: These are the conversations we want our sons that access as they grow through life in the manhood, so no topics are off limits.
• 1:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just one of your host, D. Johns.
• 1:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your other host, J.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Black.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: J.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Black, how you feeling?
• 1:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's Clay, if we.
• 1:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm right out the box with it.
• 1:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, celebratory.
• 1:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, 85th grand con clay.
• 1:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we it's a big celebration within the organization of Omega Sapphire and turning court ready.
• 1:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: But you're had it.
• 1:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Uh, you say when we're a Cincinnati.
• 1:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: So this year's in Cincinnati, Ohio.
• 1:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: We do, uh, you know, I, I think.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Got to take care of this and get home tight.
• 1:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: First, for we branch out, but that's a big nine.
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: We excited.
• 1:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm ready.
• 1:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: How long is it?
• 1:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a, it, the main event of the week if you will.
• 1:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's two days.
• 1:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Three, really.
• 2:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: The meeting potatoes really jump off for Saturday, Sunday, but it's a lot of fellowship involved.
• 2:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's where we vote for our new upcoming officers and change a command and things of that nature policies, policy changes.
• 2:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: So another implementation man of in real life.
• 2:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: voting like be present.
• 2:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you have ideas to move an organization or a society in a certain direction, let your voice be heard.
• 2:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, or shut all the way up.
• 2:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Man, please.
• 2:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: What about your brother was good?
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, good day, man.
• 2:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: What's day today is Tuesday.
• 2:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 2:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Look, I'm looking at today's Tuesday.
• 2:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, you know, I just realized this morning, the kids go back to school two weeks from tomorrow.
• 2:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes sir.
• 2:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I thought it was a teen.
• 2:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's the 12th.
• 2:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Is it?
• 2:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 2:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 2:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I knew that.
• 2:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I knew that.
• 2:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I knew that.
• 2:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: The fathers.
• 2:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: I knew that.
• 2:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: I pulled out the calendar.
• 2:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Make this is not even inactive reference.
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's for the last three or four years.
• 3:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's been something teen.
• 3:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: 15, 14, 17th.
• 3:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 3:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: This year they go back to 12.
• 3:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So.
• 3:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Getting back in that mode, they got about another, I get about another 10 days dead of leisure.
• 3:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you know what I'm gonna do.
• 3:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Implementation right now.
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey man, let's get that bedtime.
• 3:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna warm up.
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Practice.
• 3:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's practice.
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: That way by the time school gets here.
• 3:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: You in the brew.
• 3:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 3:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 3:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: But, uh, Edens back in, we're not back in, she had cheer.
• 3:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I guess there's many camp.
• 3:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it is.
• 3:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: For three days this week,
• 3:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe a couple of days next week and then it's game time because yeah football Yeah, you know, pick up for the middle school and she right at that level where it gets serious Yeah, yeah, so be it.
• 3:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's gonna be interesting to see man every time I every time I take a I kind of just wait to see how she oh
• 4:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: how she delivers her report of what happened.
• 4:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 4:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So today was a little, I think, collectively, they were a little more focused.
• 4:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 4:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: First day back in camp, last week, yeah, there was a little confusion.
• 4:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 4:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sound like they got things together.
• 4:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, otherwise, man, you know, still in the throws, falling in love.
• 4:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: helping out with that throughout we had a good day today so let's report that amazing.
• 4:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love it.
• 4:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, a lot of report.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, a better day.
• 4:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: All things considered.
• 4:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: All things considered any any good day today.
• 4:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, kind of on that same note, you know, but I'm dealing with that.
• 4:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And uh, finally got him on a good regiment of uh, his
• 4:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to say that that's a bad thing because now he checking in on some things that he kind of was like nice now I mean I want this my way right here on no way and it's like I don't really work we get into that more so in a little bit but that's crazy cool cool cool oh today's gonna be a little bit different approach
• 5:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: from the norm that we haven't taken as a approach before.
• 5:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: But our frame in the way we normally frame it and then I'll go into, I got some research.
• 5:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I'll research today.
• 5:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Research is giving a little bit of salt, but.
• 5:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: I look, I look, I look, I look, I look at stuff all.
• 5:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, look so stuff all the kind of whole guy to conversation, but to frame it, this sign, I'm disappointed.
• 5:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's open enough to go anywhere, so there's a, I'm disappointed.
• 5:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have to be honest, because that's what the platform is about.
• 6:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I, I'm not disappointed in my son.
• 6:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm disappointed.
• 6:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: and my approach to exposing you to some things.
• 6:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like if the approach was different, your reaction time and response to things would be different.
• 6:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I waited until realizing,
• 6:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: that you didn't have enough exposure to some things to now overly exposed you to some things that I'm disappointed that I didn't start off sooner with more.
• 6:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I did too little too soon and I should have frontloaded more than I did.
• 6:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's really interesting.
• 6:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not wrong,
• 7:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: the way that I looked up the information was to frame out how we communicate disappointment to our sons.
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the way you started your response was, I'm not disappointed in my son, which was textbook for recommendation.
• 7:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 7:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not calling them out, but calling the action out.
• 7:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 7:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we got, we got a, we got seven talking points that we're going to talk through
• 7:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: a whole lot of thought before this in terms of trying to formulate responses for the discussion.
• 7:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: But let's just get into it, right?
• 7:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: This first recommendation says separate the child's identity from their behavior.
• 7:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like I said, when you said, I'm not disappointed in my son, I thought that's where you were going.
• 7:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, still the point that you said it.
• 7:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: A child should hear, I am disappointed in what happened, not I am disappointed in you.
• 8:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Research consistently shows that criticism directed at a child's character is more damaging than feedback directed at specific behavior.
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: The distinction protects self-worth while still holding the child accountable.
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: How good have you done with that over the years?
• 8:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: better later than earlier.
• 8:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can honestly say I progressed into more of let's talk about what you did, not.
• 8:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Convincing you or presenting it in a way that you are a failure as opposed to you had a feeling moment based on a choice you made.
• 8:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but I'm also as I listen to you even read that first one out.
• 8:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm cautious because that's what I listen with the cautious here now because like we were talking about in the last episode about the
• 9:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: fact that we are starting to fall in love with doing things the right way or better way that we'll get to being so structured that it's not really hitting home with the kids anymore.
• 9:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: General parenting, if you will, not that that is, that's highly effective and necessary.
• 9:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: But is there a turning point where it's like, hey, I've condemned your actions, this repeated
• 9:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's no longer the act like now I have to say, what point do I and not this hijacked the the top that the first prompt, but at what point do I say, hey, I've seen this repetitive behavior enough.
• 9:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: that it's moving from actionable disappointment to is this a character flaw?
• 9:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 9:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is this a personality shift that we need to work on?
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm disappointed in you for repeatedly doing this thing because now I feel like you're allowing it to be embedded in you.
• 10:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I think that played a part just like what I was saying
• 10:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I found out later that I didn't do enough soon enough, yeah, I think it was because I was
• 10:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: gently pointing out missteps and I think that's sometimes a detriment because it's just like if if you're talking to as a parent, right?
• 10:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've had this conversation with my dad training horses and my dad and my grandfather and everybody they've trained horses like my whole life.
• 10:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the whole thing about if you always talk to a person, a child, an animal, stern, they don't know
• 10:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: what's severe, moderate, or light.
• 10:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, hey, don't do that versus how you don't do that?
• 10:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: If every time you address them, it's on 10, that's the norm.
• 11:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's no sense of urgency.
• 11:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if also, if every time I address my son, it's gently talking about, hey, it's a feel good conversation.
• 11:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 11:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: and maybe that doesn't strike a chord deep enough for them to really sense the disappointment that we have in that act.
• 11:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, as opposed to saying, man, listen, this act, even if you do steal, maintain true and poor into the act being absurd, Leo offensive or ridiculous, steal, have enough energy towards it without attacking them to what they understand,
• 11:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, I think, like you said, I've gotten, you've gotten better over time, I think me being aware of having a tendency to be very blunt about a thing, I'm over-corrected.
• 12:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: the nice approach, the counter approach, which again, there's nothing wrong with that, but it's lacking consequences that are that are appropriate for what that is.
• 12:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, right?
• 12:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 12:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's not that you leave what consequences, but the progression has to lead to a thing, like you said that ultimately, gets their attention or curves that behavior or causes something to shift.
• 12:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: So while I'm that on first the fence on 10, 1-1-1-1-1-1-10 still has a jarring.
• 12:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Has a jarring impact, I get that on the child.
• 12:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 12:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I know I've been in my head a lot about getting it right and toning
• 13:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Tony, my emotion down, which I think is appropriate, but the absence of the gradual progression of consequence or an insurance at the end.
• 13:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: You said something very important last time.
• 13:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Say that back to me.
• 13:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Did you get it?
• 13:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm saying this, I'm hearing me say this.
• 13:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is my attempt, but what did you actually receive?
• 13:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that nothing is a surprise.
• 13:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Shout out to Ron Weaver, we had the life.
• 13:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: He said something along the lines of the United States and he framed it so perfectly.
• 13:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And maybe I'll insert it, or I'm crediting, I'm crediting you, my God.
• 13:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Anyway, I gave it, because we were talking about, you're always retaining your path, so you're, I forgot what that one was, specifically, but it was about being tied to your mistakes, whether you believe that a people believe that about you.
• 14:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: the disappointment, even coming from a pure place because you've approached it intentionally and you get to that place and I can't understand why you don't understand this.
• 14:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Frustrated.
• 14:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And in that moment, in that moment, it's seeps in, like how could you do this?
• 14:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know what I'm saying this?
• 14:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And even that maybe not those words, but I think it has to be a difference.
• 14:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Every time my mess up, my dad is gonna be there for me, but every time my mess up is not necessarily okay.
• 14:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.
• 14:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: All of these things are not okay if any of them.
• 14:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 14:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: The learning lessons, we're not gonna condemn you for it, but you don't, I don't wanna set the tone of, I don't feel any, it's not even worse.
• 14:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't feel any kind of self-awareness or,
• 15:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: same as the wrong word, responsibility or accountability for a thing because I know ultimately it's going to be fine.
• 15:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: We'll get to fine, but I don't want to miss the middle of air decision.
• 15:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 15:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I still got to own this and ask some things that come with it.
• 15:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Even after even after we get through it, consequences can still lag.
• 15:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
• 15:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's just how life works.
• 15:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And to your point, the very important piece you put out there was
• 15:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: 1, 1, 1, 1, 10, that 2 through 9 is very important and valuable because now it deals with so many other aspects, conflict resolution, problem solving, phases, escalation, escalation.
• 15:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the other thing that stands out, I've mistakenly, or we can mistakenly, but I really
• 16:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: overly communicated or demonstrated the behavior of, I'm missing up a mom and dad going be there for me.
• 16:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: As admirable as that sounds as a parent, that seems like that's parent 101, and there are parents that will argue you down right now that says, you absolutely right, and I don't care what it is.
• 16:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying turn my back or you're back on your child.
• 16:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if there's a certain caution, I don't want to say danger, but there's a certain caution to be exercised with embedding a level of, no matter what I do, I got my mom and dad.
• 16:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: You do, but that doesn't mean we're going to excuse you from ill behavior, like if you're
• 16:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: be careful of to the world you write.
• 17:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: We chastise him, not you, like we'll defend our child to the end publicly, no matter how wrong he is, but if I get you home and now I chastise you privately.
• 17:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's a dangerous message as well because now they feel like I'm going to get away with get by on I'm we have certain situations in the media right now right now dealing with adults seeing detrimental actions taking place and they came to the oh no no no no no no no this I noticed isn't right I deemed it's not being right for a living but not his mind
• 17:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: and I have to step in.
• 17:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: So even with that, there's a threshold of tolerance for the shending to the world, like protecting the shending I get.
• 17:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think at some point, it may be beyond the fending and protecting them from consequences that the world is not authorized
• 18:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: I understand my son there's some wrong, and you want to do something to my son, right?
• 18:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not defending that he did a wrong thing, but it's going to be very tough to do something to my son.
• 18:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: My daughter's whoever while I'm right there, so it flips into protection, versus the
• 18:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you only think you have to worry about what happens in your house, I think you set up for failure.
• 18:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
• 18:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's a little bit.
• 18:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: If mom or dad are going to fit me to the world no matter what I do, at some point, mom and dad are not going to be in the world, which is, and you're going to find out how it really works.
• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: At some point, I'm going to expect what I've been getting and maybe perhaps you no longer
• 19:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: and I don't know what to do, how to do, I don't receive that will.
• 19:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have the news in Kansas City, the coach, the coach in his wife, Kansas City Chiefs, Office of Coordinator, their adult son, broken to their home, and a weapon was used to endure.
• 19:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: the coach's wife, which is this man's mother.
• 19:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Last Sunday, the Sunday, the sun broke into the home.
• 19:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have all the details to speak on it and depth enough to say what the motive caused, things of that nature.
• 19:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it has been verified that it's the coach and his wife.
• 19:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's their adult son, broken to the home.
• 19:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And ammunition was discharged and now she's in the hospital.
• 19:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so it's a matter, I have no, I'm not insinuating.
• 19:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I even know how that led to that situation.
• 20:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: But for the sake of our conversation, there's dangers in children not knowing the fool, exposure of the both sides of the coin, you know what I mean?
• 20:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, the spectrum spectrum.
• 20:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Number two, your tone often communicates more than your words.
• 20:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Children remember facial expressions, body language, silence, sarcasm, and emotional withdrawal just as much as spoken words.
• 20:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Studies on parental or parental disappointment suggests that indirect criticism and non-verbal expression can lead children feeling powerless or uncertain about how to recover.
• 20:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: and I am big guilty of tone.
• 20:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when I say tone, I'm not talking about volume.
• 20:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right.
• 20:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm talking about sarcasm saying, saying words that on paper, seeing appropriate and responsible but saying it in a way that lets you know
• 21:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: that I can't believe, you came from me.
• 21:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm the world, I'm so guilty of so many of those things on edless to this day.
• 21:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And
• 21:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know how to begin to work on it.
• 21:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
• 21:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like I struggle in a lot of those areas.
• 21:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: My facial expression.
• 21:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm animated.
• 21:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've talked with my hands.
• 21:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna die.
• 21:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: This, that's a natural reaction for me.
• 21:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've never called them out of their names.
• 21:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't do that, but I will kind of be like, you playing with me right now.
• 21:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: You see, you're not serious.
• 21:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: You didn't think that for real.
• 22:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, think about if I was dead, serious, and I thought I had a brilliant idea, and then the person I presented to says, you playing with me, you couldn't have thought that.
• 22:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You just call that person so many things without saying the actual words guilty, J and B right there, Washington, my wife's car one day.
• 22:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, man, y'all laying around, come on.
• 22:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: For the context, J is 21, yeah, B is 20.
• 22:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I may not come out here and watch my wife car.
• 22:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: To cook for y'all every day to least you can do with watch our car.
• 22:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I let them watch the car and I'm rinsing the car off just to see what y'all got.
• 22:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Trace, trace, really, really bad.
• 22:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, hey, teachable moment, sure.
• 22:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: But because you're a 20 and you're a 21 and you're men, young men, I feel like I don't have to call to you.
• 23:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I go in a little bit, I don't call you out of your name, but I'm flabbergasted.
• 23:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: That these tires and wheels still look like this after you finish.
• 23:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So my wife comes out after I've kind of like, so I take the sponge and I'm doing it, but I'm talking trash the whole time.
• 23:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is what this should look like.
• 23:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is how this goes.
• 23:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So by the time she comes out, they're victims now.
• 23:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: So they kind of, I go off and do something else, maybe go get some water, come back.
• 23:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going probably three minutes.
• 23:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Enough time for them to pour into her, what just happened.
• 23:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: So now, end of the job, she brings to my attention, hey, the boys say they feel like you just go too far about everything.
• 24:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: that aggravated me.
• 24:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
• 24:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because in my mind, I didn't go far enough.
• 24:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't have the right to tell someone how they feel about something I did to them.
• 24:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Another lesson.
• 24:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sure, to you, it feels like nothing, but to them, they could have felt
• 24:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're not allowed to tell other people how to feel or receive what you said or did to them.
• 24:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have to give them their space to be able to communicate to you.
• 24:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: They didn't even tell me.
• 24:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: That says a lot.
• 24:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: You didn't feel comfortable enough with me to tell me, hey, when you just did that, this how we felt.
• 24:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: We didn't like it.
• 24:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: We didn't, whatever.
• 24:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: You stood there and took it.
• 24:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: cordially going along, not knowing now she comes out and you're
• 25:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: James decking us, that's how I felt it.
• 25:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: See, even now I'm making it, you see what I mean?
• 25:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's, I'm guilty of me, yeah, I'm horrible at that.
• 25:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: For me, I'm not animated by any stretch, no, no, no.
• 25:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I think even my non expression, yeah, it's like a blank expression.
• 25:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we talk about how people receive, you can't tell people how to get what you gave them.
• 25:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think I'm managing my face to not go off or to not look crazy where it's obvious.
• 25:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's coming across as either I don't care or he's so disappointed that he can't even hear what I'm saying.
• 25:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's looking through me, check out, looks checked out.
• 25:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Looks checked out, or even if it's not checked out, like just beyond,
• 25:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Check that out as a good word.
• 26:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Check that out as a great wedding, explaining it.
• 26:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: So even that I had to be aware, especially my children's personality, all of them get the silly part of my wife.
• 26:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Emani is as serious as me.
• 26:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, but as serious.
• 26:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: She's as silly.
• 26:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Really?
• 26:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, see?
• 26:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wouldn't listen wouldn't know.
• 26:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would have never guessed that in a million.
• 26:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Here's the thing.
• 26:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you and we came here on the Creek record and I tell them we could sit here and have a have a study.
• 26:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do a song next for a guy?
• 26:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would never have guessed.
• 26:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 26:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I promise.
• 26:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's that dynamic too of
• 26:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's another thing that might make them feel more comfortable.
• 26:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, discussing certain things.
• 26:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Even though I'm not dismissing them, not talking down to them, calling them out that name, but just the non-verbal cues, where I think I'm giving something and they're receiving something totally different.
• 27:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, that's important.
• 27:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Being aware, you know, I'm getting here.
• 27:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Somebody made a comment about my face on what it up, recent clips, if I'd brush your face it up like that, listen, I have no control over there, auto ballot.
• 27:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Number three, disappointment should become a conversation, not a verdict, not a verdict, disappointment should become a conversation, not a verdict.
• 27:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: The healthiest conversations begin with curiosity before correction.
• 27:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Help me understand what happened, what were you thinking at that moment?
• 27:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: When your children feel hurt first, they're more receptive to guidance afterward.
• 27:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: It gives a caution not to rush to discipline before understanding.
• 28:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Didn't know I was doing that correctly, but I always do that because I'm genuinely, in my mind, I always, I genuinely really wanna know, hey, right there when you did that.
• 28:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Tell me what you would.
• 28:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Is that how it goes?
• 28:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Cause I was about to pay that with number two, saying or asking the right things, but with a ton of, how did you do that?
• 28:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: My tone is off.
• 28:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, you think it right then, right?
• 28:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is, yeah.
• 28:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what, have, have a minute to say like, what, what's going on to your mind?
• 28:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just want to say, does the piercing look the grimace on the face, the confusion can, I guess, overshadowed.
• 28:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: It feels like a genuine this question is.
• 29:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: The question feels like the verdict.
• 29:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's rhetoric at that point.
• 29:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: You just ask it and it's to go through the motions.
• 29:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't really want to know.
• 29:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, no, please.
• 29:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then that's what I, no, no, please give it to me free.
• 29:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I, I for real want to know what, what were you thinking?
• 29:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, keep walking me through it as a matter of fact.
• 29:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: If first, enter your mind at this, then you say it, and then you decide it, and then when you saw it going, why did you keep, I walk me through, because hopefully, though I'm angry in the moment, or confused whatever the emotion is, I'm hoping to hear something in your path that kinda almost weighs me to your side.
• 29:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, hey, I like your thought process.
• 29:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to tweak right here, though.
• 29:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you were to change step four, this actually was a good move.
• 29:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Good plan.
• 29:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Started great ended horribly.
• 29:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: But you so angry at the outcome that we'll get caught up not even as they're saying it.
• 30:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I was trying.
• 30:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: All you hear are excuses.
• 30:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, excuses.
• 30:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like I, you can keep your excuse.
• 30:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it really was a good plan.
• 30:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: But how much ear are you lending?
• 30:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's the tough one for me because I'll find myself so annoyed by my confusion of the, because I really cannot understand.
• 30:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like I'm getting, this is beyond me.
• 30:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: How this came to be, and I almost can't hear.
• 30:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Almost can't hear what you're saying.
• 30:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, especially if it's a situation where, you take it out if we want to.
• 30:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: You made a reference to the crash.
• 30:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: You pulled up, you knew what happened.
• 30:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, right.
• 31:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yes.
• 31:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Lean it in, please.
• 31:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: You pulled up, you know, and I have words at that of, even if it's something that's simple as something is broken,
• 31:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I, I, 98% sure I know what happened, right?
• 31:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I promise.
• 31:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I walk in with the frustration of that 98% certainty.
• 31:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I can't even hear you explain it.
• 31:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Then no, I actually, I wasn't skateboarding down the whole.
• 31:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: I saw the skateboard.
• 31:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I saw the bullet.
• 31:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I saw it.
• 31:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: You said, no, I wasn't.
• 31:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's not it.
• 31:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not what we're having.
• 31:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, but yeah, just like the the way they saved who was saying how they threw verdict in there, disappointment should become a conversation not a verdict.
• 31:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: I walked the I've lived into conversations thinking I'm giving them space with it.
• 31:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Really just checking the box.
• 32:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm gonna let you get this off.
• 32:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm certain how this is gonna go because of what I've seen in the world of the sense.
• 32:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm gonna let you get this off because I think that's the right thing to do is let you say something.
• 32:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: But making sure that I always heard what they were saying and try to understand because there's that too.
• 32:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 32:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can be so against geologic that the words don't matter.
• 32:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: more words, more words, you still, this is still highly illogical to me, that's something I definitely had to grow.
• 32:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: How they're still running out of over the years, over the years.
• 32:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's still a historic trauma.
• 32:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Methods, I'm gonna say it like that.
• 32:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, trauma methods, on deck, like back in the archival who had a lot of adults weren't really concerned with what happened.
• 33:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: It happened.
• 33:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: It happened.
• 33:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Who cares?
• 33:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I walk the end, there's a skateboard hanging out of my wall.
• 33:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: You think I care.
• 33:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Back then, I'm talking back then.
• 33:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You think they cared how that skateboard got shoved or broken or flew into that wall.
• 33:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Smoke.
• 33:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: All I know is smoke.
• 33:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: I got to work on it.
• 33:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 33:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: I got to confess from my wife, my oldest son was about, oh, he might have been seven to eight.
• 33:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: That quick man, quick man, oh, seven.
• 33:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: Six or seven.
• 33:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: Ryan is bite.
• 33:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: And at the time, the house that we lived in.
• 33:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Fright y'all was flat, back y'all slowed down to like a little creakus on those run by between two neighborhoods.
• 34:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 34:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he's Ryan's bike.
• 34:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Ryan towards the fence and I'm cutting the grass and I'm back.
• 34:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 34:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's coming from the front.
• 34:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he was probably trying to show off to me.
• 34:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: He could ride his bike.
• 34:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: wasn't necessarily considering the slope of the backyard.
• 34:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Is the backyard?
• 34:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: I look up, he's full speed into the fence.
• 34:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: For a split second.
• 34:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: I thought about the fence.
• 34:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Of.
• 34:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's all of my face.
• 34:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: I know how I know, how I don't work.
• 34:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I know what I'm talking about.
• 34:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why would you, why would you, why would you do that?
• 34:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it sounds like, like, this is, I've, it doesn't matter.
• 34:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Whoever hears is this is why I am today.
• 34:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't matter.
• 34:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: But literally for a second, I'm like,
• 35:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: the fence.
• 35:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's a damn moment.
• 35:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was a run of property.
• 35:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was, and I can't remember it was before I after the ceiling had flooded, you know, I said, it was, it was, you, you, you walking, you get surprised with an outcome.
• 35:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what comes out of you is what comes out of you?
• 35:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 35:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't yell at him anything, but I'm just,
• 35:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can't help you.
• 35:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: For a split second, I'm like, how did I lose it?
• 35:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Dad thoughts, man.
• 35:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Into the fence line.
• 35:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Into the fence.
• 35:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: That dad brain different.
• 35:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I'm telling you.
• 35:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 35:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And clearly he wasn't hurt.
• 35:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: He wasn't crying.
• 35:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: It wasn't.
• 35:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's still here.
• 35:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then it wasn't another day.
• 35:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: He didn't stop.
• 35:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, there's no residual effects to it.
• 35:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Lots of nothing.
• 35:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: But it was one of the things was like, how did like, why was you in that mob?
• 35:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why was you right?
• 35:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
• 36:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Children should leave the conversation knowing not only what went wrong, but also how they can make it right.
• 36:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: The goal isn't guilt is growth.
• 36:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can say the words.
• 36:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't get it.
• 36:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't get it.
• 36:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't get it.
• 36:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't get it.
• 36:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't get it.
• 36:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: No.
• 36:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: No.
• 36:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Cool.
• 36:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: That sounds great.
• 36:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's a steady polished layer.
• 36:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 36:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: The tactic.
• 36:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
• 36:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's what you're supposed to do.
• 36:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: The way that's what make new worries.
• 36:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever kind of ad does.
• 36:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Cool.
• 36:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Me?
• 36:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm leading with guilt.
• 36:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to feel.
• 36:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: depends on the level of, sorry, I'll do it.
• 37:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sorry, I don't care.
• 37:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sorry, I'll do it.
• 37:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: We all keep this funky, man.
• 37:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I try to get, get, get, get, I'm, I'm learning.
• 37:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 37:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll still learn how to be a parent.
• 37:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Daily.
• 37:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So dad brain tells me, if you feel too good about this mistake, you're going to make this one again.
• 37:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like I need you to feel like I don't
• 37:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: want to do this again.
• 37:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: If it warns that I could dig grass too low.
• 37:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, come on.
• 37:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't do it.
• 37:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: There are days out there that are losing about half a story about that.
• 37:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to lose it about that.
• 37:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, that grass is going to grow back, but pay attention.
• 37:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: However, other things, I do, I need a certain level of guilt.
• 37:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, remorse.
• 37:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And don't you let you off the hook?
• 37:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let me let you off the hook with things like that because if you two forgive and two zone, that'll create the same environment of your wrong someone and they're broken up about something that you did.
• 38:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Pop, man, you cool, it was just a.
• 38:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey man, you just turned a six to a 10.
• 38:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 38:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, you're not allowed to tell me it's just a, it's cool.
• 38:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why are you acting like this?
• 38:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're overreacting.
• 38:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, you don't.
• 38:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 38:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I need to see remorse, guilt, and then we can grow into a corrective behavior.
• 38:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I need you to first understand what just happened.
• 38:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it had a follow on recommendation.
• 38:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: of helping the child understand how to move forward.
• 38:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm, I, I understand you're in the guilty piece.
• 38:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 38:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Guil, shouldn't, guilt should, uh, to the fact how you think about the thing should be a reminder, should potentially change how you move in the future.
• 39:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Please, guilt in and of itself.
• 39:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think that's end all be all.
• 39:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: No.
• 39:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: I need you to, I do need you to associate that feeling with what you did because that because there's a consequence to it.
• 39:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Am I going to leave you there and ride that and then that becomes who you are?
• 39:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right.
• 39:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think that would be the challenge of leveraging guilt.
• 39:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Got to feel it.
• 39:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: You got to.
• 39:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: You got to understand this thing because again, it's.
• 39:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: So much of the comments, and I get it because the way that things a clip it gives you a portion of a conversation and a lot of times it's cliffhangers or allows you to primarily people respond through the lens of their experience.
• 39:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's not necessarily about the clip.
• 39:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Triggered some.
• 39:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
• 39:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And even though we can use that word anymore, the catchphrases can't say that anymore.
• 39:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
• 39:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: The therapist was, you're not triggered, you're not.
• 40:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Whatever, they'll be mad at me.
• 40:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Propped at something.
• 40:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'll do it.
• 40:07
  [UNKNOWN]: I'll do it.
• 40:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: More some of the side of them, the made them fill away.
• 40:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if you use that guilt as a means of controlling or shaping how they respond to stuff in the future, I think that's what it dances.
• 40:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, I think guilt is natural.
• 40:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Living in it, stewing in it,
• 40:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: not being able to move past it, having it as a limiter.
• 40:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's why I see that.
• 40:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's why I see the chance.
• 40:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now that's a conviction slash sentence.
• 40:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Correct.
• 40:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't let your mistake be a sentence or life sentence.
• 40:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: That might have been a closer width to what a Rob was saying.
• 40:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm gonna find him.
• 40:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: The way he framed it was dope.
• 40:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Item five.
• 40:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Call and Paris create teachable moments.
• 40:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Parents often communicate disappointment while emotions are still high.
• 41:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends regulating your own emotions before addressing the child, because emotional flooding reduces everyone's ability to listen and learn.
• 41:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's some today.
• 41:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is.
• 41:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: The personality makes me, on the way I am.
• 41:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I agree with what they're saying.
• 41:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's interesting hearing sounds flowery because we operate in those spaces, we just wouldn't use those words to describe what we feel it's happening.
• 41:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I get that and that is important to teach control because that's very
• 41:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's emotional discipline, and that's necessary for life because if they see a loose handle as an example, then guess what they're going to be loose handles, everything's going to set them off.
• 42:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Everyone has the ability to control their anger or their emotional reaction to a thing because.
• 42:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: write your dad woulder and you'll hear that a lot of people like me and my dad woulder and if you watch them, the very thing they're describing, they're that as well.
• 42:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 42:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's what they saw.
• 42:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you can train yourself to stop a second, bite your jaws, bite your tongue, do something, bite your
• 42:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: You've been to get what you get on the spot.
• 42:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was built on that.
• 42:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: So now, I started to realize the mistakes in that though.
• 42:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: There are mistakes in that.
• 42:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because now if you have the time to calm down and think about it, and I wouldn't say it then, that was my initial reaction to that.
• 43:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I see somebody's kind of boiling my blood, I purposely, I keep our distance.
• 43:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: because I don't want to get caught in a knee jerk, triggering that word is a reaction in the moment that tomorrow I regret, possibly change the rest of my life for three seconds of reaction.
• 43:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, even with that, I think I think the tone that settled with time is important to dance context.
• 43:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you always react that way, you're shaping them to be that way.
• 43:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm not suggesting that the one time you lose
• 43:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: At least there's a start contrast to Well, maybe something else is going on in again.
• 43:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: It depends on where age of child is like, you know, if they're under I don't even know where age to give it Younger than the teenager maybe Young seven eight five six seven eight for sure
• 44:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: whatever happens in that moment is who you are in that moment.
• 44:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: But there's some context over time.
• 44:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what I'm getting that is not suggest that it's okay to lose it.
• 44:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Also.
• 44:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: if you lose it, it's not the end of the world.
• 44:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And most hopefully, yeah, yeah.
• 44:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: It hasn't been the end of the world in my life.
• 44:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Certainly not much.
• 44:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Certainly they are extreme scenarios.
• 44:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: The case is where it can be world ending.
• 44:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I think it's,
• 44:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's okay for your children to see a range of emotion if there's a way to contextualize it again, like there has to be some level of maturity to understand it.
• 44:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: If your response to, if your correcting response is yelling, slapping, grabbing, I'm not talking about that, right?
• 45:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not even talking about doing that the one time.
• 45:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if, for whatever reason in this moment, it brought something else out of you,
• 45:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's important to have had a history of it not being that, right?
• 45:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And somebody would have a problem with the one time that there's something to happen, but it's almost the charges for parents to understand that they're children and human, yeah, and parents not have race for being a human, right?
• 45:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And be comfortable and secure enough to let's say you do have that moment.
• 45:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I found myself going back and discussing the moment.
• 45:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: For sure, I really feel like I kind of overreacted a little bit today, and that's even more important than in my opinion, than in some instances.
• 45:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: never showing any motion.
• 46:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: You had an extremely controlled reaction to everything.
• 46:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: That could be received as your emotionless because I don't want to, I don't want to teach that either.
• 46:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, you're, it's okay to feel.
• 46:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's okay to react.
• 46:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's a such thing is overreacting.
• 46:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: There also could be said, there's underreacting there.
• 46:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Got nothing?
• 46:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if you do and if you then analyze it and then that was a little unnecessary revisit don't talk about it.
• 46:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, apologize even maybe there's an apology of my day.
• 46:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let me tell you about my day.
• 46:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's an excuse.
• 46:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I understand doesn't make it right.
• 46:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but I want you to understand that I don't have a total disdain for you like I look what you did to me.
• 46:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is what we're going to do, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, we all number six, reassurance matters after accountability, children need to know that one mistake doesn't redefine the relationship, a powerful ending to a difficult conversation sounds like I didn't like your decision, but I love you completely and I believe you can do better.
• 47:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: that combination of accountability and security, strength and trust rather than weakening it.
• 47:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't have too much of a problem with that.
• 47:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes I have in all ways that hasn't always been the same conversation from me, because I can catch myself getting to a point where I may
• 47:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: Wow, I won't say something healthy.
• 47:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, that's for some time in space between this.
• 47:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
• 47:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then with a more clear head, nothing that's always important.
• 48:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Whether you, I think it's important to be self aware of what gets you to a point, to get you to any motion, right?
• 48:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you handle that until you can work through not getting to that emotion at all, but if you feel something coming up,
• 48:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm self-aware enough to say, hey, I can't do this right now, right?
• 48:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's important.
• 48:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it might be disappointing to the child because they, it, it kind of heightens the level of disappointment in that mind.
• 48:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, but it's absolutely better that it right now, this is not the time to have a conversation.
• 48:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I've only experienced that as they've got noted, that hasn't been a,
• 48:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: my 7 or 8 or 9 year old do something and I just can't talk to them about it.
• 48:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: But as you get to the point of, all right, this, this, this has to be a life lesson because this is getting more dangerous for you not getting this as you're moving out in the
• 49:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: and you chose to do this, right?
• 49:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I am angry.
• 49:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm angry that this happened, bothered.
• 49:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I'm not going, I'm not going to jump on them or I'll talk crazy to them.
• 49:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: So for me, sometimes, I guess as an opportunity to kind of make sure that conversation, that's all part of the same conversation.
• 49:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 49:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Historically, I've done well with it unless, unless I allow the thing to fester.
• 49:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I allow something as bothering me to go too long, too far, and the discussion only happens because it boiled over.
• 49:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's less likely, I'm not going to say it's a zero chance, but it's far less likely for me to encourage at the end of that discussion, simply because the audacity for to keep happening and keep going and you keep doing it.
• 50:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I did soft mentionings and you kept doubling down.
• 50:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's the one, one, one, two.
• 50:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: One, one, one, two.
• 50:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 50:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I skipped the two through nine, you see, because now you didn't know it was balling me like this.
• 50:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sure, you had an inclination that this isn't all the way favorable, but it can't be that bad.
• 50:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you had to think that it can't be that bad because you kept doing it.
• 50:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: So then when the explosion happens,
• 50:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, you're so mindful of not trying to insult or say something damaging.
• 50:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It goes back to your point.
• 50:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Go get a level clear here first.
• 50:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I go sit back, breathe on it.
• 51:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I'm really, really angry with you right now.
• 51:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let me talk to you later though, because I'm hot right now.
• 51:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 51:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: That will save a relationship in my opinion.
• 51:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 51:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Number seven, the final one is parents should ask, what lesson do I want my child to remember?
• 51:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Years later, children often don't remember the specific mistake.
• 51:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: They remember how their parents made them feel.
• 51:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: The objective is to help children and turn the lives wisdom rather than simply avoid punishment.
• 51:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: I kind of liked that one,
• 51:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: The clip to quote a lot of flag is always being in teach and mode, always being a lesson mode and again, the full conversation wasn't suggesting that, but yeah, but that's kind of the basis is, when you're out there, yeah, are you prepared to be out there?
• 52:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do you have to constantly run stuff by me?
• 52:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, I always say that I love them.
• 52:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: My children were asked me about things,
• 52:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm engaging how to ask me about it.
• 52:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 52:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are you asking me about it because you have absolutely no clue and I believe you should.
• 52:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 52:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or you wanted to discuss your thoughts about how you should approach a thing because that's two different things.
• 52:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Two very different things.
• 52:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 52:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're completely clueless, of course, I have to look at responsibility.
• 52:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I need to take to that where I miss some stuff.
• 52:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if I know you, this has been instilled in you in
• 52:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: That that kind of irks me a little bit just if you come to me with the hey man This thing said I need a screwdriver Do you need a screwdriver because like Google it my boy, but if it's uh Hey, I want to express to the dog children specifically the dog children and I probably lean into this a little Early and then some may with my younger kids is What you think
• 53:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Please, we suggest that there's a point when you stop coming to me for answers to the question and you start to get how to be logical about finding the answers to these questions.
• 53:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: I see you applied everywhere.
• 53:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this, I see it.
• 53:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: I see it.
• 53:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this is not suggesting that they should be somewhere that they have a demonstrated.
• 53:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: But no, I see all this.
• 53:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're being lazy in this moment.
• 53:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can't let you do that and I'm calling you.
• 53:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can't let you do that.
• 53:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 53:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: It stands out to me.
• 53:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I, I, I, I too like this one.
• 53:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the first thing that popped in my head was Lester has this saying that he says a lot.
• 53:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do I want to be right or do I want to get it right?
• 54:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
• 54:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
• 54:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have a leg to stand on.
• 54:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: To chest eyes.
• 54:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Teach a lesson.
• 54:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: or condemn whatever you want it was insert in the moment and just like you see it what's my end goal though like at what cost do I want to take this as a moment of yep I got to punish you did you think about what what they're going to draw from this experience though
• 54:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Be right is you have the justification to punish or restrict or whatever the case is.
• 54:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Get it right is the lesson involved.
• 54:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: What does it look like for you to never make this mistake again?
• 54:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Does the punishment be like?
• 54:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: After so many punishments.
• 54:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's fact today.
• 54:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to do what I want to do.
• 54:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Fact today.
• 54:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is probably going to give me two weeks.
• 54:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: No this or week.
• 55:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: No that.
• 55:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: it's worth it.
• 55:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Crash out mode.
• 55:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Matter of fact, I'm not even going home to the son of double dial.
• 55:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Throw another week on it if you want to.
• 55:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm out.
• 55:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: So now you've got it to wear.
• 55:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: What it would win the battle lose the war.
• 55:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 55:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: So sure, you got you another opportunity to punish.
• 55:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's no lesson being drawn from it.
• 55:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's no change in behavior.
• 55:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
• 55:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's the part to me stands out most.
• 55:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to always, if I let you make it on this, perhaps the lesson you give from that is grace, maybe I've never shown you grace before.
• 55:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And typically you've gotten a punishment for this.
• 55:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: and this was a conversation about choices, decisions, and consequences.
• 55:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Process is even how did you get here?
• 55:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey man, I really appreciate it if you didn't make this mistake again because this was dangerous.
• 56:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: And leave it at that.
• 56:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And now they're like, that may hit different.
• 56:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Man, I thought I thought I was gonna lose the carder.
• 56:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: So now they like,
• 56:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, hold on, I want to ask you something.
• 56:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't know what the reaction could be.
• 56:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 56:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, explore the other side of that.
• 56:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I, that's why I met with my oldest son, because that dynamic is there.
• 56:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, and I think I can see where it is, cause some shifts.
• 56:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 56:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: He didn't get a result.
• 56:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not that he thought I was going to yell or go outside his head.
• 56:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I gave him the opportunity
• 56:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: to be a man about it, and that goes a long way.
• 56:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: At some point, I got to start testing out how you apply manhood to certain things.
• 56:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're not on your own, right, right.
• 56:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: But hey, man, that's, man.
• 57:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: The bump was getting wild and wild in the God Reels.
• 57:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's interesting, bro.
• 57:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: How are you?
• 57:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 57:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: How are you gonna recover?
• 57:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 57:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Man, you missed an exam?
• 57:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: How are you gonna, man?
• 57:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: How are you gonna?
• 57:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: What did that look like for you?
• 57:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: You didn't finish all the time and you, did you?
• 57:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 57:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: You need to just waste all the money, dude.
• 57:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Cause I've been there.
• 57:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
• 57:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: You.
• 57:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 57:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: You.
• 57:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like a game dude, can't do it man, but right there be it.
• 57:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh seven man.
• 57:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Uh, I don't know exactly what prompted me to uh to look that up, but I think there needs to be healthy dialogue around Communicating disappointment.
• 57:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, because it's for for me it's like I've done so much to shield or um
• 57:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: be overly conscious about how I approach the thing where I don't even get the message of of the disappointment across.
• 58:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's like, I'll eat it because I don't want to crash out, not to crash out as required.
• 58:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to, I don't want to present in a way that's going to negatively impact how do you think or feel about it?
• 58:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right.
• 58:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's compensation.
• 58:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is.
• 58:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And don't be victim of our thoughts.
• 58:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: because you're like, as you stayed it in the past, you have a whole conversation with yourself.
• 58:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't do.
• 58:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they won't go anything like that out loud.
• 58:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And perfectly okay with it.
• 58:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 58:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Perfect.
• 58:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay with it.
• 58:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Who's got clothes in there?
• 58:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Man in clothes and be intentional.
• 58:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I'd really appreciate it these seven prompts because it helped analyze perspective.
• 58:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: We don't know everything.
• 58:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: We don't get everything right.
• 58:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: We, we're dealing with human beings.
• 58:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: with different temperaments and personalities.
• 58:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Try things, it may work for you has nothing, does nothing for your children.
• 59:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: It may have worked on you.
• 59:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
• 59:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So just be opening up to assess in real time what's best for your children as well.
• 59:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes indeed.
• 59:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hope you guys got something like that, man.
• 59:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if I said it at the, I don't think I said it top of the show.
• 59:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, share and subscribe,
• 59:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you feel aware about this show and this impact, you tell somebody about it, right?
• 59:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: We appreciate the likes and the shares and the comments, but there's a chance that somebody else feels like you, or maybe they feel differently, but this will be a value to them, Senator.
• 59:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Tell them that there's a show that's not full of fluff.
• 59:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we get into it and figuring out life and real time on these mics.
• 59:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's gonna do it for this episode.
• 59:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: We appreciate you guys, God bless you.
• 59:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Peace.